from the
Holy Land
from
Rabbi Ephraim
Schwartz
"Your friend
in Karmiel"
September 29th
2023 -Volume 12 Issue
51 14th of Tishrei 5784!
It Fits!
It’s been a little over
two years and I’m still not used to it. I look in the mirror and I ask myself
if that’s really me looking back at me. When I go to a restaurant or more often
when I pick up some takeout food, I still have a fat man’s eyes. I still order
way too much. I know intellectually and from experience that I only will be
able to get down a few bites before my tiny post-gastric bypass stomach tells
me that’s it, game over, we’re all full over here, “ein makom”… but I
just can’t help ordering a little fries, onion rings, some deli, and I can’t
leave the menu without a taste of some wings… So, the food I order lasts me a
week… Nisht geferlach… I don’t mind leftovers.
Now I know that my
mother is getting upset already once she started reading this. Enough already,
with your surgery and weight loss, she tells me. But it’s been a while, you
have to admit, since I brought it up. And the truth is I really saw such an
incredible idea about the upcoming holiday of Sukkos and this really is the
perfect segue into it. So, I’m sorry Mom…
You know it really hit
me and continues to hit me the first time and really throughout the summer whenever
I went rafting down the Jordan River. See in the past before getting on the
rafts one of the most annoying parts of being “large” Ephraim Schwartz was trying
to find a lifejacket that would fit. They made them all too small for me. It’s
really discrimination against those of us that are shall we call it “horizontally
challenged”. You know it’s like when you get on an airplane and they have those
“extender” seat belts… Really? You couldn’t
throw in an extra inch or two for us with a little extra basar on our
bellies? I always wondered why pregnant ladies never made an uproar about this.
So every time I would just go and pretend like I was clipping those life-vest
clips and would just leave them open or inhale deeply for a minute or two. I
mean nobody drowns in the Yarden river anyways. It’s really not that deep.
Yet after my weight loss
I remember the first time I went and went for the big XXXL life jacket and I
realized that I was swimming in it. So I switched to a Large which I always
assumed was for adults and whadaya know? That was too big as well. I was like
Goldilocks and the three bears. The next was the small… I was shocked. It fit!
And I even had room to breathe. My 13 year old son wears a small. This was
insane. The truth is since then, I actually even borrow some of my Tully’s
clothing. I’m wearing his tzitzis right now… You have to realize, two years ago
I think Tully could fit into one leg of my pants. And now I’m him. As I said
its very very weird, strange and it’s still doesn’t feel like its me. Not that
I’m complaining. I don’t miss those 120 pounds that I hauled around for 40
years. Not one bit.
Now what does all of
this have to do with Sukkos, you want to know? It’s really quite amazing. See,
this past Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur my drashos in shul really revolved
around one idea that was percolating in my brain. They usually do by the way… I
just don’t have too much time these days to think of various ideas, they just
grow and grow and expand after each drasha- kind of like my belly used
to after every meal-and I add on and continue with them. The idea was based on
a story that I heard about an older gentleman that lived in Yerushalayim that
was a former student of the Chafetz Chaim back in Radin. He told his children
that one of the things that he regrets most in his life and the opportunity
that he allowed to slip through his hands was that at the end of the Chafetz
Chaim’s life they were trying to recruit different students to stay over the
night and sleep together in the room with the Chafetz Chaim to make sure that
he was alright. He remembers how when they approached him, he was very excited
about the opportunity. This was cool! A night with the Chafetz Chaim, I mean how
it can it get better than that. Yet, then he was told that the truth is this
wasn’t meant to be a one-night gig. Actually, the person that would be given
this job would have to agree to do this every night for a month and really to
stay with the Chafetz Chaim throughout the entire month. It was then that he
started to get nervous. It was then that he backed out.
What would you do? See,
for him it was too overwhelming. A one-night gig, a quick picture and meeting,
a photo-op, even a nice hour or two schmooze with the holiest man of our
generation would be an amazing thing, that I think most of us would jump at.
There are probably a lot of people who would pay a lot of money for that
opportunity. Actually there are a lot of people that do pay a lot of money for
those photo-ops and meetings. I’m a tour guide. I know people that make a
living off of the Gedolim-get-you-into-the-backdoor-visits. But would you be
willing to spend a week straight with Reb Chayim Kanievsky- 24/7? How about a
month? Yeah… It’s kind of scary. It doesn’t feel right. How long can I talk in
Torah for? How long can I watch what I say? How long can I be holy for? What if
I need to pull out my smartphone? Yeah… I’m not sure about that. I’m not sure
about me…
Well Rosh Hashana and
Yom Kippur are really about that self-realization and actualization. The great
Chasidic master the Toldos Yackov Yosef explains that the Book of Life and
Death, the Books of the Righteous and the Wicked. Those are all open before Hashem
on these days and Hashem hands us the pen and tells us to inscribe ourselves in
the one that we want to be in. Life, though of course means a life connected to
Hashem, it’s the book of the Righteous. Are we ready to sign up for that Book?
It’s easy to ask Hashem to just allow us to live, but that’s not on the table.
Jews…we…, weren’t just
meant to live, to deal with the mundane and do mitzvos here and there. We’re
coming to anoint the King. It’s living with Hashem all the time. All the time…
24/7/365.
It’s not just when
things are going bad, please help me Hashem. He’s not just a Hatzala guy or
phone-call. It’s not just “make sure my business deal works out”. He’s not a
magical financial adviser. It’s not even” help me feel holy…sometimes…” “Help
me feel inspired and connected to You…sometimes…” On Shabbos… On holidays…
when I daven…That’s not what it’s about.
It’s about having Hashem
in us, with us, part of us… always. Always, means when I go to work, when I
space out, when I chill. There are no breaks. It’s being alone with the Chafetz
Chaim for more than just a week or even a month. It’s having him with you
everywhere. That’s the book Hashem asks us if we want to and are ready to
inscribe ourselves in. The job of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur is to get to that
point at least once during those days when we can bring ourselves to even consider
that we might be up for that job. That it really might be who we could be. That
the clothing might fit. The Book of Life- Jacket that Hashem is handing us the
clips to and telling us that it really is our size.
And now for the
expansion of that idea on Sukkos. Because Sukkos is the culmination of all of
those requests that we had on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. It’s the actualization
and realization of it all. It’s when we actually try on the new life suit we
just got.
Let’s go slowly. On Rosh
Hashana we blow the shofar or at least listen to it. It is our inner spirit rising
up. It’s our breath, our spirit of life, our neshoma going up to Hashem and
telling Him that we want to be with You. We want to be better. We want Your
Kingship upon us. We feel that. Our minds and souls soar back to Sinai when we
first heard that revelation. We want to go higher. We want Hashem down here
with us. Well on Sukkos that actually happens. The sefarim point out
that the essence of our Sukka is that there is sechach on top. There is
no roof. We can see the stars and the heavens. On Rosh Hashana we have three
types of blasts that we hear. There are 60 Tekiot- long blasts, 20
shevraim midi-blasts and 20 more broken cry teruah blasts. 60-20-20. Do you
know what those numbers are 60 is samach in gematria and 20 and 20 is kaf
and kaf or chaf and chaf which of course spell sechach.
Isn’t that cool. We asked Hashem and now He’s come down in our Sechach.
After Rosh Hashana we
have 7 days until Yom Kippur that make up the middle of the 10 day of
Repentance- the Aseres Yemei Teshuva. During those 7 days we are meant to fix
up everything we need to so that we can have Hashem close to us. It’s work. It’s
awesome. It’s beyond ourselves. It’s a lot and a lot of prayers, selichot,
teshuva… Each day of the week is fixing up a day of the year. One Sunday
fixes up a year of Sundays, and Monday does the Mondays etc… Well Sukkos
whadaya know again also has 7 days. Each one of those days begins our year
after that teshuva with a day of Simcha. Of joy of being with Hashem Of Hashem
eating, drinking, sleeping and just hanging with us together. It’s the new us. It’s
the us that we davened and did tshuva for. Each day is now instilling in us
that experience for the rest of the Sundays, Mondays Tuesdays etc… for the whole
upcoming year.
The pinnacle of our High
Holydays though of course is Yom Kippur. The centerpiece of all of Yom Kippur
is the Kohen Gadol going into the Holy of Holies, beyond space and time. He
becomes one with Hashem. He does the service, which at its center consists of
the bringing the incense offering on the golden altar within that spaceless,
timeless, heavenly room. Those spices that correspond and represent all of us
go up in heavenly cloud to Hashem. It’s the cloud we bring up to him. On Sukkos
the clouds of Glory of Hashem come down to us. That’s our Sukkahs. On this
holiday we are actualizing that moment of the Kohen Gadol who represents all of
us, as in our hearts and minds we went in there with him. And now we are living
that reality in our Sukkah. The moment of awe has become 7 days of joy. The
clothing fits. We said yes. We inscribed ourselves. We’re in the room with
Hashem. And we didn’t even have to go under the knife to make it happen.
The last day of Sukkos
is Shemini Atzeres. It’s the day that Hashem tells us that He doesn’t want to
leave us. He enjoyed our time together too much. We spent an incredible week together.
We’re leaving those clouds of glory and we’re going back into our regular
houses. But the surgery is done. We’re different people. We look in the mirror
and we recognize within ourselves that our old clothing are too big on us. They’re
shlumpy. They’re not me anymore. When we come back into our homes and our
lives, we’re no longer the people that we were before. We spent a week straight
not with Reb Chayim Kanievsky, not with the Chafetz Chaim, but with Hashem. We sat
down every night for dinner with Avraham, Yitzchak, Yaakov, King David and all
the Ushpizin. We did that right here in our homes. We didn’t have to go to
shul, or the Bais Ha’Mikdash to experience that. We just went into our backyards.
We just tried on a new life. We lived like that book that we inscribed
ourselves in of the tzadikim. And Hashem doesn’t want to leave us. And we don’t
want to leave Him. And we won’t. So are you all ready for a new pair of pants?
For the new life? For Simcha. For endless happiness, fulfillment, for the new
souls that we davened for. It may feel funny at first. Take if from me. But you
know what? It’s who and what we were always meant to be. This Sukkos try on the
new me and you will be surprised to see how well it fits and how good happiness
looks on you. Take it from your favorite skinny tour guide. There’s nothing
like it.
Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz
************************
YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK
“Oib der
shuch past, kenst im trogen.”- If the shoe
fits, wear it.
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK
answer below at end of Email
8. The
Byzantine period in Israel started in the ___________ century.
In which of
the following places did Queen Helena build a church?
A. Sebastia
B. Elonei
Mamre
C. Nazereth
D. Mount Tabor
RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO OF THE WEEK
https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/ushpizin
– In honor of Sukkos one of my most beautiful Sukkos songs.. and you know
theres a need for a good hartzig one “Ushpizin”
https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/lmaan-yeydu-vsamachta
– And of course the only song you get a mitzva d’oraysa for singing in
your sukka- dance away- v’samachta my composition
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bG3QSC4DuMc
-
Motty Shteimetz’s caught on to my idea and here’s his latest l’maan yedu doreseichem
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ZMC2Yyy85g&list=PLZrH989f6tQIzAdEVfR596JOVoDBgOMyb
- Check out a whole album with original Lipa Sukkos hits awesome- im not a
lipa fan but this is really a different Lipa and am enjoying…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIZK42Y54pE
–Nissim Black’s latest with this new guy Oryahh “Love Me”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VgOkrC_L-Q
– Shlomo Carlebach on Sukkos… Awesome..
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR
PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK
An Assasinated King - 650 BC - With the assasination of Zecharia the Kohen Gadol and son
of Yehoyada who was Yoash's savior and Rebbi on Yom Kippur in the
Temple, his fate was sealed. Hashem once again sent Hazael from Aram/
Syria against Yehuda and he smote them. Yoash fell sick and he was
recovering in his palace in Beit Milo in Jerusalem when two of his
servants conspired to assasinate him. The Jewish people realized that it was Yoash's
fault that they were in the situation they were in. Sure, they sinned but
ultimately the buck ends with the King. If Yoash didn't stop them from
their deification of him, then he has to take responisbility. And thus he was
killed there in his bed and buried in the City of David, but not even
with the rest of the Kings. Rather he was laid to rest in disgrace.
There's an interesting discussion amongst
archeologists where exactly this house of Milo where he was killed was.
Originally it was thought it was the steeped structure in the City of David
where Dovid's Palace was assumed to be. Yet, others place it further
down by the spring house and the Gichon spring flows there. It was
fortified and it was where Kingds were annointed. The debate revolves around
whether the word Milo which means fulling place is filled with rocks or
water. Regardless this is the tragic end to the hopeful era of salvation. Much
like our Palestinian neighbors today, we seemed to never miss an
opportunity to miss an opportunity.
RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE FAT
FITTING JOKES OF THE WEEK
You can go from fat to fit…With one good vowel movement…. Oy…
After years of dieting, I found there was only one way to look
thin: Hang out with fat people.
Why do obese Romans prefer loose clothes? Because in Roman Numerals
L is bigger than XL.
What French word have all fat Americans learned at an early age?
Buffet.
What is the name for an overeating bee? Chub-bee.
What do you call a bee that can’t control their eating? O-bees.
What do you call a fat person who can tell the future? A four-chin
teller
Congratulations on deciding on your weight loss surgery. You have a
lot of guts.
Chana tells her doctor she can’t help being overweight. Her
parents, siblings and children are all overweight because it runs in the
family. The doctor responds by saying “I seriously doubt anyone is running in
your family.”
It’s not food that fat shames me, it’s the voice activated scale!
Don’t tease fat people, they already have too much on their plate.
It’s called the One Month diet. In the end you are sure to lose 30
days.
Why did the obese man give up on his diet? He was thick and tired
of it.
Where do they take fat people who try to escape from exercising?
The Fitness Protection Program.
It’s better to never tell jokes about fat people. They never work
out.
Why aren’t fat jokes socially acceptable? It’s never nice to make
fun at anyone’s expanse.
I went to the doctor’s today and when I walked in, she said, “I’m
sorry about your wait.”
I said, “So am I but it’s okay, I’ve been fat all my life.”
Every time someone calls me fat I get so depressed I cut myself…A
piece of cake.
I’m not saying I was fat but if I had to name the 5 fattest people
I know, I would’ve been 3 of them.
That awkward moment when a fat kid says, “That’s how I roll.”
My boyfriend hates it when I make jokes about his weight. He needs
to lighten up.
Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
My wife told me nothing shocks her any more. So I switched her
digital scale from pounds to kilograms.
A guy is standing on the bathroom scales desperately sucking in his
stomach. “That’s not going to help,” says his wife.
“Yes ,it will,” replies the man. “It’s the only way I can
see the numbers!”
My New Years resolution was to lose 20 pounds this year. Only 26 to
go.
I love you loads, honeypie.” My wife said to me earlier.
I replied, “And I love you tons.”
“What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed.
Sometimes I swear she’s going deaf.
What's the difference between a compulsive person and a fat person?
One has OCD and the other has OBCD
I wish I could see what it was like to be fat for just one day. I'm
tired of being fat every day.
.********************************
The answer to this week”s
question is B – So I got this
one half right. Obviously when the Byzantine period starts is with the advent
of Christianity and Constantine and his mother Helena who finally kicked the Roman
pagan ways and found Hashem-sort of… with of course Yoshka too…which is still a
step up from before as the Rambam notes, but its still missing the boat. That
was in the the year 320 which is the 4th century. Where her
farkakteh church was built, that I wasn’t sure about. I don’t do or like
churchs much and hope and pray that they are all destroyed and go up in a cloud
of smoke as we davened for on Rosh Hashana and YK. So I guessed Nazareth, but
in fact the correct answer is Alonei Mamrei right near Chevron where they believe
the “Tree of Avraham” is located. Now it’s cool that of course tonight is the
Ushpizin of Avraham, hopefully it will be a tikkun on the sin of the church
that thank god no longer stands there. So I got this one half right and thus
the new score is Rabbi Schwartz having a 6 point and the MOT
having 2 point on this latest Ministry of Tourism exam.
