Madly in Love- Parshat Nitzavim Vayeilech 2026 5786

 Insights and Inspiration

from the

Holy Land

from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

"Your friend in Karmiel"

September 4^th 2026 -Volume 16 Issue 45 22^nd of Elul 5785

 

Parshat Nitzavim/Vayeilech

Madly in Love

Click here below for print edition

(Weekly Newsletter - Parshat Nitzavim Va'yeilich 2026  )

 

So there's an important thing to know when one comes on a Rabbi Schwartz tour day. An important benefit that you may not get on other tours. It's actually one of the best parts of the tour to experience, and there's a lot of competition for that title. But unquestionably-at least in my mind- and for me, the best part is when my tourists realize that something that I've known for a very long time. That Hashem is madly in love with me. And as a result of that bountiful love He loves my tourists as well and makes sure that our day always works out amazing and more often than not miraculous.

 

I mean, who else does Hashem provide regular parking spaces for in Tzfat? Every few days the city there is trying to take away more and more of the limited spots, just to stifle me. But yet, whenever I pull in inevitably, there's someone pulling out, and from the closest spot that I need. There's no way in the world that any tour guide can pack in as much as I want to and try to pack into a day, if Hashem wasn't miraculously somehow easing up traffic whenever I needed to get anywhere. Although He does like to keep me on shpilkes so that I get there, always there… wherever that is… 5 minutes before they close the door. He gets a kick out of playing me like that. It's what lovers do to one another.

 

Somehow as well, He makes sure that I always manage to bump into someone cool that my people wanted to meet to make the day even more amazing. He brings me to the art or jewelry store that has just the piece my people are looking for, to bring back with them to the States. He inspires me with great songs to play for their entertainment. He just always gives me amazing people to tour with. I've been doing this for almost 15 years now and maybe once or twice out of the hundreds if not thousands of tours I've done have I ever had any duds. Any bad days. Any tours that I didn't just pull over at the end after I dropped them off, and just scratch my head in awe at what an awesome amazing day we just had- and I didn't even plan half of it…

 

Now one might think it's a bit jinxy, or pooh-pooh-pooh, ayin-harah-ish, knock-on-wood, to say this kind of stuff. It's like just asking for it to change. But I'm not scared. He loves me too much. He loves my tours. He can't get enough of them. He even puts the words in my mouth. I don't even know where they came from. It's kind of like these E-Mails that I have no idea how I put out every week. He just sends words down the love hatch and poof you've got something interesting to read during your Rabbis sermon, or at your Shabbos table… the bathroom?

 

But it's not just my work, my writings, my parnassa and my health. It's my wife, my children, my grandchildren, my parents, my upbringing, my teachers (once I finally found them- or at least when He sent them to me). It's my house and really all my houses wherever I lived. It's the fact that somehow, He even got me to live in His country. In the most amazing place on the planet earth. He did that because He likes to look at me. It was a pain for Him to keep trying to find me in some other hole in the States. So He brought me here to where He's anyways watching all the time. He's got me in front of His computer screen always over here, right next to the screen with His land on it. It's pretty much everything that I have and experience in life. It's crazy how insanely in love He must be with me. Especially after the so little I do for him. Or perhaps even more shockingly that I do that must pain Him and hurt Him every day. I guess He's kind of like my mother in that way. They probably will have a lot to commiserate about after 120 years…

 

Now, if you think this is kind of narcissistic of me. That it sounds strange. It sounds bizarre. I always get that feeling from my tourists when I share with them this little secret of mine, as they eyeball one another in my rear-view mirror. Then I'm kind of curious what prayer book you daven out of each morning and evening. I mean do you leave out the part about Ahavah rabba ahavtanu, or ahavas olam- about the incredible tremendous love that Hashem has for us. For me. For you. Do you not say when you wake up about the chemla gedola- not small but great mercy which He has in returning our souls. Did you skip the part about how every moment that my soul is inside me how grateful we are to Him. How bout Shemona Esrei- in modim where we literally appreciate and thank the miracles each day, the signs, the kisses He gives us. Why are you looking at me like I'm the crazy one….?

 

OK, I'll admit He probably doesn't love you as much as He loves me. So you may not realize it as much as I do. I'll give you that. After-all you're not a tour guide in His country that's privileged with telling people how great His house and how they all need to move here. You're in real estate in Lakewood and have a nursing home in Tennessee and are taking care of Medicare old black people which is very important as well, but just not the same. But yet, even if you don't always feel that like I do, its about time to do something about that. It's Elul. The King is in the field. Ani L'Dodi V'dodi Li- time boys and girls. Start feeling the love.

 

You know it's funny-or maybe sad. But I don't think when I say the word Elul to most frum Jews that went through the traditional yeshiva system that evokes a sense of love. Fear- yes. Awe-possibly. Impending doom-obviously it just depends on what yeshiva you went to and how creative your mashgiach was as to the extent of the death, destruction and fires of hell that would rain down on you as you're written in the "bad book" where people like you who talk lashon hara and speak during davening and have evil thoughts most of the day are all written. Love? That's for Tu B'Av, frolicking in the fields with the maidens. It's not a real holiday. Just a nice tour guiding story to talk about in Shilo. Jewish holidays aren't about love. They're about saving us from death. About giving us commandments and dancing with them. About sitting in booths. And saving us from death miraculously again and again because we know Hashem really wants to kill us.

 

Yet, for some reason, our rabbis seemed to see something different in this month that's mean to be the preparation for the Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. They saw in it love. They saw in it that the main thing that we need to focus on is actually the opposite of what most of us have been taught or absorbed. We're meant to in this whole entire month think about one thing. About how Hashem is madly and obsessively in love with us and we are with Him. I am to my beloved my beloved is to me. That's the path to teshuva. That's the Book of Life. That's Mashiach. That's all He really wants from us.

 

The parsha that we read every year before Rosh Hashana Nitzavim actually tells us this. Hashem didn't want to count on our Rabbis teaching us it, He put it into our Torah reading this week. He also arranged it to be the shortest parshiyos of the year, so there's really no time to space out or chap a schmooze during Torah reading. You just gotta make sure to make it there on time. But hey, if you can't make it on time for the last reading of the year, then there's a problem.

So after all the blessings and curses of last week Hashem tells us tachlis what it's all about. It's kind of like when you go on all of those rides and they give you the long warning before hand or when you download an app or before you go into surgery for a procedure. You skip to the bottom and press click. What's the bottom line? That's what this week's parsha is all about. And here it is…

 

Devarim (30:1-6) And it will be when all of these things- the blessing and the curse which I gave before you come upon you and you will turn it to your heart amongst all of the nations which I have banished you. And you will return to Hashem your God and listen to His voice according to all that I am commanding you this day you and your children.

 

Tachlis- we're gonna get curses, we're gonna get blessings. And ultimately Hashem will bring us home.

 

then, the Lord, your God, will bring back your exiles, and He will have mercy upon you….

 

He's gonna bring us to the land and we will inherit it and be even greater than our forefathers.

 Which is fascinating. Because here we seem to see that the word teshuva that is used repeatedly and I believe translated almost always as repentance- certainly in our yeshiva world is actually used for something else much more basic. Teshuva actually means returning to the land. Returning to Eretz Yisrael. If you want to do teshuva- it means coming home. It doesn't mean banging on your chest. It doesn't even mean saying your sorry. It means actually physically coming home. Someone that doesn't come home really can't be said to have done teshuva. He hasn't returned. He's still there.

 

What's even more amazing is that it seems that the return to Eretz Yisrael is actually the perquisite to doing teshuva, because the Torah only then tells us that after we return and inherit the land and we have goodness and are great. Only then…

 

U'mol Hashem Elokecha Es Levavcha V'es Li'vav zarecha- Hashem will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants

 

And those underlined words of Es Levavcha and V'es Livav are of course an acronym for Elul.

 

But what will he circumcise our hearts to do? How do we live? What's the bottom line?

 

L'ahava es Hashem elokecha bichol livavcha u'bchol nafshecha l'maan chayecha- to love Hashem your god with all your heart and all your soul in order that you shall live.

 

The purpose of it all is to feel the love. To understand that Hashem is madly in love with us. To feel that love back for Him. If we get there and appreciate that and feel it in our hearts and souls, then we're living. We're alive. We're in the Book of life. There's no curse. There's only blessing. We're on cloud nine. We're basking like a chasan and kallah as they're hanging out together in the field. We're that astrological sign of Elul which is besula- a never married young seminary girl whose entire existence is about finding and being one with her bashert. That's us and Hashem. That's Elul.

 

If we have Elul, if we have our whole heart and soul filled with that love, then there's no real day of judgement coming up next week. It’s a day of accounting. It's a day of counting all the blessings. It's a day of return. It's a day of when we sign the ketuva. It's when we start again a whole new world. It's creation all over. It's the start of a new life; a new life with my beloved. The one that is madly in love with me.

 

But how do we get there? Well obviously the first way is to come on a tour with me, its good for ones shalom bayis with Hashem to hang out with other people that are madly in love with Him and have that love back. But let's say you can't make it here. You can't afford me. I'm booked up already. Then what? Well I'm not going to leave you hanging. There's a secret here in the verse Hashem tells us in that pasuk above that is an acronym for this month. It's called circumcision of the heart and it's an incredible idea.

 

See whereas in other places Hashem describes this heart bris as removing the orla- the foreskin or blockage of the heart, here Hashem tells us something different. He says He will circumcise the actual heart. Orlas ha'lev- the blockages of the heart is all the stuff that we accumulated. It's all the cholesterol. It's the fat. It's the buildup and plaque that our distance from Him prevents us from experiencing all of the love and good that He feels and does for us. It's the baggage we've accumulated. It's being in galus too long. It's forgetting and not hearing or feeling that loving life force that is pumping in our veins urging and calling us to come home. It happens in marriage too. We get so caught up in "life" we forget the love that is the foundation of it all. That's the foreskin we have to remove. We need to remove it between ourselves, our fellow brothers and sisters, our children, our neighbors and of course from Hashem.

 

Circumcisions are painful. Not that I remember… but every guy gets that twinge of ouch just watching it. Circumcisions of the heart foreskin are even more so. Its cutting deep into ones soul. It's searching. It's reflecting. It's getting rid and extricating all that build up. It's cleaning up the clog. And frankly it's not an enjoyable process, that anyone normal would want to do without any anesthesia. It's why we Ashkenazim push off selichos until the last week and usually teshuva until nei'la. It's why we avoid going to doctors to hear about that hard tedious painful work and all the things we can't enjoy anymore.

 

The circumcision of the heart itself though is telling us that there is no real foreskin left. There really wasn’t any even there in the first place. See our DNA is pure heart and love. We are inherently connected. Our blood types are the same. Our organs are exchangeable. It's all good. We just need to shock it for a minute and boom it comes to life. That beep beep sign on the heart monitor screen just pops back on, Hashem never stopped loving us for a minute and that love is still pounding us out. We just need to prick the heart-kind of like someone that is already circumcised that converts, what is called a hatafat dam bris- and boom we're good. We're new. That's not painful at all. That's what Hashem is telling us He will do to us in Elul. We just need to step into the surgery room. We need to come home to Him.

 

The Lubavitcher Rebbe notes how that's why the acronym for Elul isn't just es levavcha- but it's es levav- not only our hearts but also the hearts of… See because it's not just our heart that's inherently connected and doesn't need cleaning just rebooting, it's the hearts of our descendants as well. Because it's in our DNA. It's not just our children which is a result of our actions and relationships and education. It's all our descendants. It's our inherent nature. It's for all time. He's madly in love with each of us and we are connected to Him so deeply and innately.

 

The end of the second parsha we read this week of Vayeilech tells us something fantastic, in Hashem's last conversation with Moshe. Something mind-blowing that we might miss. Hashem calls in Moshe and Yehoshua and tells them that He knows that when we come into the land we will sin, we will worship false gods, we will lose our faith. We will think we're dead inside and Hashem is not in us. He doesn't love us. It's gonna happen. Hashem is telling them that He knows it will happen. Just like every parent knows that their child is going to misbehave at some time or another. They will mess up. They will disappoint us. Our spouses will as well. He's telling them this in advance, so that we will know, that He's ready for this. He's even expecting this. And guess what it won't practically change a thing about the way that He feels for us. The love that He has for us. We will always have a place at His table. Our hearts are always pure and full of love for Him.

 

Hashem tells us He knows this. He knows our yetzer hara's. He knows that we will sin. We can't possibly disappoint Him, because disappointment is only when we don't live up to His expectations and He's telling us that He knows we will sin. But even with that He still loves us. He just wants us to remember that. So he gives us a song. He tells us to sing it. It's a love song of all times. It's ours and it's His. And that brings us all back. That returns us home to His table. To the Home we will build together. The home that starts at the beginning of the new year.

 

The Baal Haturim notes on the words es levavcha v'es- that the gematria is 862 which is the same gematria as zeh l'yimos ha'mashiach- this will happen in the times of Mashiach. Its interesting that the gematria is from the words our hearts and… the three dots mean it's endless. It doesn't even end with our children. It's like that song from Titanic it will be on and on and on and on… That's the year we are entering. This is the days of Mashiach.  So can you feel the love tonight? Is He madly in love with you as well?

 

Have a lovely Shabbos,

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

 

************************

YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

 

“Drei zachen ken men nit bahalten: libeh, hisen un dales.. - Three things cannot be hidden: love, coughing and poverty.

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

14. On Shabbat, after reading the weekly Torah portion, it is customary to read a passage from the Bible called _____________

According to tradition, which of the matriarchs is not buried in the Cave of the Patriarchs?

 A. Rachel

 B. Leah

 C. Sarah

D. Rivkah

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO OF THE WEEK

 

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/haneshama-lach – In honor of Selichos one of my most magnificent compositions. Pure Hartz Dovid Lowy arrangements and Vocals!

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/ponecha-your-face – I composed this the Elul before the war. It's a gorgeous song that we recite in our daily additional L'Dovid Psalm that Hashem shouldn't hide his face from us. Dovid Lowy knocks it out of the park with vocals and heartfelt arrangements.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNd7u0CF5bs&list=RDxNd7u0CF5bs&start_radio=1 – Dovid Lowy Unplugged Ani Le'Dodi…

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFeE8Jr4d-M&list=RDuFeE8Jr4d-M&start_radio=1&pp=oAcB    – MBD's latest high Holiday release- u'vtuvcha ha'gadol

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQoPqqQCYQ8&list=RDUQoPqqQCYQ8&start_radio=1  –Moshcheini from Karduner!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euWFyNhq0-k&list=RDeuWFyNhq0-k&start_radio=1  – Akiva- Tefilla v'Tza'akot…

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

 

The First Rosh Hashana -333 BC – That's it. The Temple is built. It was finished on the week before Rosh Hashana. It's like the creation of the world. It's almost incomprehensible to imagine how after 70 years of Galus we came back, just as the prophets said we would. Most of the Jews as we noted didn't. The ones that were there were sinners, were intermarried, had begun the process of teshuva. It was a big holiday. One that reveals to us the essence of Rosh Hashana. One that is seemingly different then the we have these days.

 

On that first Rosh Hashana we all gathered in the Bais Hamikdash there after bringing the sacrifices Ezra got up and read from the Torah scroll. He read the blessings and the curses. He read this week's Torah portion. He read about how we would be exiled. How we would sin. How Hashem hid himself from us. How the goyim would try to wipe us out. Can you imagine this Torah reading. This is not long after the miracles of Purim. The World Wars between Iran and Iraq. Our miraculous return. It all came true. They saw the Torah like they never did. They saw that all they had been experiencing had been written. They were the generation of redemption. Hashem is one. His name is one. They heard that name from the mouth of the Kohein and they all fell down and bowed. It was overwhelming. And then they started to cry and mourn. They looked at their sins. At their non-Jewish wives. At the idolatry and the ways they had fallen. They were broken. They were doing what they thought was teshuva. But they were wrong.

 

Nechemia gets up and tells them all to rise. Go home. Eat. Feast. Sing. Dance. Eat fatty foods. Meat boards. Drink wine. It's a holiday today. Hashem is back with His children. It's a celebration. That's what Rosh Hashana is meant to look like. You guys are missing the boat. Hashem doesn't want your tears. He wants your joy. Your Simcha. That's how the new year start. That's how the temple is started.

 

This Rosh Hashana we are longing for that day of Simcha once again. Return us Hashem and we will return to you.

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE LOVE JOKES OF THE WEEK

Rabbi Applebaum thought it would be a great idea to hold a marriage seminar at his congregation and sure enough, many of the couples showed up. The therapist was focusing on communication and Moishe and Miriam Silverman were listening as the therapist declared: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Moishe leaned over, touched Miriam’s arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

We thought it was our ability to love that made us human,

but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.

 

Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you."

She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

I said, "It's me talking to the beer."

 

When I asked my wife asked when she knew she loved me She said "We were in Yerushalayim,  and the way you knew so much about the city like it was second nature to you. But I never felt you were condescending to me when I'd ask stupid questions. I saw how much you knew, how passionate you could be. I'd been bored by all the old buildings, but you brought it all to life. I think that weekend, was when I realized you could be the best thing about my life."

I didn't speak for a while, just looked at her and said three words.

"Our tenth anniversary?"

 

I love the taste of clocks but… Eating them is time consuming

 

I love bad eyeball jokes- the cornea the better!

 

s Moishe left a board meeting at shul, he desperately gave himself a personal TSA pat down. He was looking for his keys. They were not in his pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly he realized that he must have left them in the car. Frantically, he headed for the parking lot.

 

Moishe’s wife, Miriam, had scolded him many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. Moishe’s theory is that the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Miriam’s theory is that the car will be stolen. As Moishe burst through the doors of the shul, he came to a terrifying conclusion: Miriam’s theory was right. The parking lot was empty. He immediately called the police. He gave them his location, confessing that he had left the keys in the car and that it had been stolen.

Then Moishe made the most difficult call of all. "Honey," he stammered. He always calls her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. Moishe thought the call had been dropped, but then he heard Miriam’s voice. "Moishe!" she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was his time to be silent. Embarrassed, he said, "Well, come and get me."

Miriam retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!"

 

I think my wife loves yoga more than she loves me. When I want her to do something, she'll only do it if it fits into her schedule. Meanwhile, she'll bend over backwards for yoga

 

I love whiteboards. They're remarkable.

 

Dave and Cindy Rothman had some friends over for Shabbos dinner when the subject of marriage counselling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. Cindy and I have a great relationship," Dave explained.

"She was a communications major in college and I believe it or not, I received a minor in theater arts."

“How does that help you?” asked their guest.

"Cindy communicates really well and I am very good at acting like I'm listening."

 

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

 

Why do people love the way the earth rotates? Because it really makes their day

I really love 50 Cent......Or as we call him here in Iran, '200 million dollars'.

.*******************************************

The answer to this week's question is A- It's nice to get a freebee on the last week of the year. This one was easy for any frum person and probably even for most secular Israelis as well. Maybe even conservative and Reform Jews-but maybe not… Anyways answer is Haftorah

and of course Rachel buried on the side of the road. So ending off the year with the score being Rabbi Schwartz having 10.5 points and the MOT having 3.5 points on this latest Ministry of Tourism exam

 

Deep Dive- Parshat Ki Tavo 5786 2026

 Insights and Inspiration

from the

Holy Land

from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

"Your friend in Karmiel"

August 28^th 2026 -Volume 16 Issue 43 15^th of Elul 5785

 

Parshat Ki Tavo

Deep Dive

Click here below for print edition

(Weekly Newsletter - Parshat Ki Tavo 2026  )

 

The poor child was crying. He was sad. He didn't want to even eat anything and they were nervous as Yom Kippur was coming. It was clear he had undergone serious trauma. But from what? It turns out it was this week's Torah reading. The reading that Ezra established that we read each year right before Rosh Hashana. Meaning even back in the day when they would only finish the Torah reading every three years, this week every year they would pause and read the Tochacha- words of rebuke, or terrifying curses Moshe tells us about if we don't follow the mitzvos. So prepare your kid for the Torah reading-especially the verses about how hungry parents will feast on them mercilessly. Yeah… that might take some therapy.

 

Now this wasn't just a regular child. The boy in the story was none other than the Mittler Lubavitcher Rebbe Reb Dov Ber. This was seemingly not the first time he had heard this Torah reading and so the Chasidim were a bit confused as to what set him off this particular year. His response though gives us a whole new perspective on life, Rosh Hashana and my tourists and adventures last week and an outlook that can help us make it through our High Holidays.

 

It seems that year, was the first time that young Dov Ber heard the Torah reading from someone other than his father who had leined. That's when it hit him. Because as he explained to the Chasidim.

"When my Totte read the Torah- I never heard curses, I only heard blessings".

 

The words were the same words. But when Totty said them, when Totty was reading the Torah, they didn't sound like curses. They were all really blessings. He read them differently. I heard them differently. He saw the essence of what they really were. He didn't hear anything scary.

 

That's the story. What does it mean? There's an incredible Pri Ha'aretz of The Rebbe of Vitebsk that explains the reason why the Talmud says we should read these curses now. The Talmud tells us

 

"Tichle Shana V'Kiloleseha- the year should end as should it's curse

Tachel shana u'birchoseha- the year should (then) begin with it's blessings.

 

Simply put it seems to say that by saying, reading and hearing all of these curses we should then be done with them all. Perhaps even the reading of them alone could be an atonement and a fulfillment of them. Perhaps their reading will inspire us to do teshuva and be done with them. And then we can move on with a dip-the-apple-in-honey sweet new year.

 

The Vitebsker reads it a bit differently. He suggests that the word 'tichleh' doesn't just mean end it means more accurately- "bring to its fulfillment" as we find by Rus and by Yibum. A 'kallah' is a daughter-in-law who is the one who brings to fulfillment the birth of a son and the bringing forward the next generation.  As well he writes that the word "shana", doesn't just mean "year", but it means repetition, as we say in Shema V'shinantam li'vanecha- you should teach repeatedly to your children. What Chazal are saying is that the repetition of curse should reach its conclusion and it's purpose, and then the repetition of blessing can once again begin. Whewww… sounds deep- as his stuff usually does and is. But let's put it into a good two-part Rabbi Schwartz cool tour guiding story for you and see if we can crunch it all together for us today.

 

So, my i-phone 14 pro max that I status all the time from and take all of my tourist pictures and videos with and climb under waterfalls with and pretty much rules most of my life was giving me problems. The battery wasn't holding out long. It was freezing up. It was time to get it fixed. That's what Apple Care is for. Yet, in Israel they really don't have that so well here, so you've got to take it into to the one store- which it seems is a secret where it is and when it's open, because the first three stores I hit kept sending me around to other ones. And then it takes a good few weeks until they send you a new one. Now I can't afford to wait a few weeks phonelessly. My status watchers would rebel and block streets in Jerusalem and Lakewood in protests if that happen, forget about all the Torah and Israel inspiration the world would be missing out on. Especially if a war broke out, I mean how would Bibi and Trump know what to do?

 

So I needed to transfer all my information to another phone. The problem was my daughter Elka- now starting to hear shidduchim hint hint- just gave up her smart phone because she's very frum, but her phone didn't have enough memory. But… as I was checking my Apple Care I realized that I had a phone sitting in my drawer that was broken that still had a warranty on it as well, that I had been paying for. Cool! So I brought in that phone and they said they would send me a new one, which once I received I figured I would transfer my phone to and then replace as well.

 

It took em about a few weeks, but they called me last week Wednesday and told me that my phone was ready. I was excited because now I could finally get my phone fixed and told them I would pick it up as soon as I had a chance in the next few days. What happened next? Well, Hashem had different plans. See, my tourists were joining me for some fun rafting down the Jordan when cute little Simcha who I was trying to push back into the raft kicked my phone off it's necklace and poof it was gone. Empty necklace and panic overtook me. We all jumped in and tried diving. I said some quick prayers and for about twenty minutes we couldn't find a thing. I was about to give up hope. I offered one last quick prayer before my last dive and whadaya know? I couldn't believe it. I felt in my hand a plastic phone case with an I-Phone! Wheee…!! I jumped up. I found it. Everyone cheered. It was a miracle. Except…

 

When I looked at the phone case in my hand, I saw a small I-phone 8 with Moshe Malkas expired credit card from 2023 in it. Not my phone. Prank. Psych. I just pictured Hashem and His heavenly angels all rolling their Divine anthropomorphic heads off. Gotcha Schwartz! Ha ha…. I wish Hashem had better things to do besides prank me like this all the time.

 

But the truth is I laughed as well. It didn't bother me that much, because Hashem had sent me the cure before the disease. My replacement phone was sitting in the Apple Shop in Haifa and two hours afterwards I already had the replacement in my hand. It was a cute funny story. I now had some material for a Shabbos drasha and an unsponsored E-Mail (hint hint). But that's just part I. It was a lesson of how Hashem provides the remedy before He hits you up. How Totty doesn't really do anything too bad to you…

Part Two is better though. See a few days later I was with different tourists. This time we were water hiking down some delicious springs. Once again, I didn't listen to my mother or my wife and still took my phone with me in new waterproof phone necklace case bag. I don't even know why they even still bother trying to tell me stuff anymore. You'd think 50 years or so they'd learn its really a waste of breath. This time though my phone was fine. Nothing happened. My glasses on the other hand…. Well, there was this natural rocky water slide that I couldn't resist and so I had to show my tourists how to do it and how safe it was, so I slid down them with a big whishhh… I popped up on the bottom. My glasses though… not so much.

 

Once again, de ja vu takes over and I start diving frantically for my glasses. They all join. The adventure is on. I'm saying my prayers. I'm promising Reb Meir some money. Reb Shayala, Reb Shimon, the Baal… whoever wants to help me out here. I don't have a spare pair. And then wouldn't you know it, all of a sudden, boom!  I feel them. I lunge down scoop them up come flying out of the water waving them and cheering "I got them!!". Except guess what? They weren't mine. They were someone else's sunglasses that also looked like they were there for a few years. I heard the angels in heaven laughing again… Gotcha again… hahaha Schwartz… They really have to get a life. Like there's a war going on. There are crises. People in Lakewood can't get into schools, and their bus fares are going up… What's this obsession with Schwartz…?

 

But I smile. I laugh. It is funny. Whatever you want Totty. I don't hear curses. I only hear blessings. I'm yours have Your fun. And then I dive back down and whadaya know. Mamash the next dive, my glasses come up. I had them back. The curse wasn't a curse. It was just getting me to see the world differently. It was just for me realize Hashem is my Totty. He's up there. He's looking at me. He's playing with me. I just had to dive down deep into that reservoir of faith and find Him. Love Him. Accept Him. Bless Him. And the world is a much more beautiful place to look at.

 

Do you know what tichle shana v'killiloseha means? That the curses should find the end to their repetition? The Pri Ha'aretz tells us that everything from Hashem is blessing. He created a perfect world, yet from the beginning of time when we ate from that wrong tree and listened to the snake back in the Garden, we introduced curses that distance us from Hashem that are meant to direct us to Him back again. Our phones fell into the river. Our glasses did too. We're busy on them all the time and we're not seeing the world and Totty calling us home. So He brings curses. He chucks them in the river and makes us dive again and again. Shana acharey shana. Dive in and find Him. Pray to Him. Realize that He's not on your phone. He's not what you see out of your again and again world as it is glasses. He's deep in the river of life. Close your eyes and feel for Him.

 

Now sometimes while we're diving for Him, we pick up something that we think is our phone. We think its our connection to Him. But it's not. I mean, it is Him, but it's not really our message our tikkun. It's someone else's. It's not the right phone. Other times we settle for the replacement phone He prepared for us. But it's also not really seeing how that curse is really to bring us back. Let me explain again with real life.

 

October 7^th -curse, Holocaust-curse, destruction of Temple- curse. All the bad scary things in the parsha- curse. Yet, the Holocaust led to establishment of State of Israel. October 7^th is leading to the final redemption and has changed so many things in this country and in yours on so many levels. You can figure it out. Destruction of the Temples led to Mishna, Talmud. Rasing sparks. Those are things we're finding when we thought we lost on our dives and found there on the bottom. But guess what they're not the curse that is turning into a blessing. They're alternates. They're Hashem laughing and even providing us with replacement stuff He prepared. But they're not the final redemption. They're not the Bais Ha'Mikdash. We're still hearing and feeling the curse. We're still not the Mittler Rebbe that never heard a curse in the entire reading from the Baal Ha'Tanya because he only hears blessing from Totty. We're still repeating and repeating shana after shana the curse but we're still not at the point where we see the blessing all the way from the beginning. Where we feel the Tacheil shana u'birchoseha.

 

But this year will be different. This year Mashiach is coming. We're on the final dive. As we enter these last weeks before Rosh Hashana, Ezra who unsuccessfully rebuilt the second Temple, but couldn't get most of the Jews to come back established this Torah reading before the end of the year. It's lesson and His message is that we need to all take that final dive through the klalos and bring them to their true purpose. To return us to Hashem. To see the blessing that He is sending us that is disguised as a curse. And then we can join the angels and our Father in that eternal laughter. Az yimalei sichok pinu- then we can have the full laugh together with them and bask in the blessing of our Totty.

 

Have a blessed Shabbos,

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

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YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

 

“A kloleh iz nit kain telegrameh; zi kumt nit on azoi gich. - A curse is not a telegram: it doesn’t arrive as quickly. 

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

13. The war that erupted immediately after the Six-Day War is called ________ 

 

What is the current population of Tel Aviv-Jaffa (as of 2025)?

 A. About 200,000

 B. About 550,000

 C. About 800,000

D. About 1 million

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO OF THE WEEK

 

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/ponecha-your-face – I composed this the Elul before the war. It's a gorgeous song that we recite in our daily additional L'Dovid Psalm that Hashem shouldn't hide his face from us. Dovid Lowy knocks it out of the park with vocals and heartfelt arrangements.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2CVFG0xCFwc&list=RD2CVFG0xCFwc&start_radio=1   – Eitan Katz's Niggun Teshuva redone for Elul

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otxKs52rk24&list=RDotxKs52rk24&start_radio=1   – Motty Shteimetz latest release Hakol Chefeitzim- we all long for you….

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGxcGJ4IarA&list=RDGGxcGJ4IarA&start_radio=1 –OORah releases an Elul Dust in the Wind…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjvXvShLcPo – I found this podcast interview to be mindblowing and inspirational on so many levels. Aron Sokol and a former Pastor now Noachide and the movement of Mashiach… wow!!

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

 

Nechemia's Wall -333 BC - It took Nechemia 52 days to build the walls of Yerushalyim. He finished the on the 25^th of Elul. Meaning that at this time 1900 and something years ago they were almost done with the job. Next week they would finish. The 25^th of Elul isn't just a date of course. It's the day that Hashem started the Creation of the world, which of course culminated with the Creation of Adam on that first Friday Rosh Hashana, the 6^th day of Creation. Dates are not random. Take a look at the wars of Israel. Yom Kippur War, Simchat Torah War… Yom Ha'Atzmaut- just joking…

Who knows what will be this holiday. Stay ready?

 

Now Archeologists have uncovered some of the remains of Nechemia's wall in the city of David we have the steeped structure that is almost certain from Nechemia. As well by the Kings Garden there as well it dates back to his time. In the old city of Yerushalayim as well, we have off the Jewish Quarter the remains of the Broad Wall which not from Nechemia, however it says that he repaired the walls until that Broad Wall. As well although Nechemia mentions many gates that we don't have today, one of them is certainly around and that is the one between the Kotel and the City of David which is the Dung Wall- or Sha'ar Ha'ashpos. Although the current wall there really goes to the Turks, but it is likely built on the remains of Herods Roman walls and Nechemia's wall as well.

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE CURSE JOKES OF THE WEEK

 

There was once a prince who had been cursed by a witch. the curse was that he could only say one word each year. Well one day, by the stream, he meets a beautiful princess. he decides that he loves her, and doesn't speak for 3 years so that he can save up the words to tell her " I love you".

then, after the 3 years are up, he realizes that he wants to marry her so he stays silent for another 4 years, so he can ask " will you marry me?"

Well, the day finally comes. he's so excited, and he's kneeling by the fountain with a smile on his face, he looks up at the princess and says, I love you. will you marry me?

There was silence for a second, before she responds "I'm sorry what was that?"

 

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

 

Adam meets a witch The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"!

Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive."

Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely *will* be cursed!

Adam: "Nope. You're hideous."

The witch then transformed him into an ant.

Witch: "Look where your rudeness brought you! "

Adam: "Yeah this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato."

Witch: "Very well, then. You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!"

He is still adamant.

 

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck. Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Gehenom.

The Satan, as is his custom, goes to greet his two newest eternal residents, and despite rivers of lava and torrents of brimstone, they’re standing around in jackets.

“Not hot enough for you?” asked the Satan.

“What, this? Nah, this is like a Spring day in Chicago.”

The Satan doesn’t take lightly to such a slight, so he decides to really turn things up. The renewed eternal hellfire and inferno has made the screams of the tormented souls in hell even louder. Rivers of lava overflowing their banks. The Satan goes to check on his two Chicagoans, and sure enough he sees them lounging in shorts and t-shirts.

“Not hot enough for you?” the Satan queries bewilderedly.

“What, this? Nah, this is like a July in Chicago. In fact, I think the humidity was worse in the summer of ’96.”

The Satan is even more incensed. He comes up with a new idea. Turn the thermostat way down. The cursed souls in Hell are greeted by new but equally unbearable type of torture. The lava stops flowing, brimstone stops glowing, and wouldn’t you know it, the ground they stand on has frozen solid.

The Satan again searches out his two Chicagoans, and to his dismay, they’re hugging and cheering.

“What’s this all about!?” the Devil roared.

“THEY’VE DONE IT, IT’S FINALLY HAPPENED, THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!”

 

A couple passed a one-legged hitch-hiker on the highway.The wife suggested they should give him a ride. Her husband said, "Nope, I tried to give him a ride just the other day. He just screamed and cursed at me."

"I wonder why," she said.

"Don't know," he answered," All I said to him was 'hop in.'"

 

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft...

Today, it's called golf.

 

Two American tourists were backpacking in Europe when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in german:” Where is the nearest diner?”

The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.”

The driver tried again in French and again was met with blank stares and shakes of the head from the two tourists.

Getting frustrated, he tried again in Italian, in Spanish, each time receiving nothing but sheepish smiles from the two of them. Finally, he cursed under his breath and drove away angrily.

The first American asked his partner:” Maybe we should learn a second language.” His partner shrugged and replied:” Why? That dude knew four languages and it didn’t help him.”

 

The cruel god cursed his creations with dyslexia, but nothing happened since they could do no wrong while fully under his control. So he gave all of them free will – and the first thing his creations did was Deicide.

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The answer to this week's question is B- Only got this one half right. I overcounted Tel Aviv. I gave them 800k but in truth its about 500k. I guess I was counting surrounding areas as well. But truth is once you go larger then the Gush Dan area is about 4 million. But I did get part 1 correct. The War of Attrition between Israel and the newly created Palestinians that were Jordanians five minute before, but that Jordan didn't want to accept into their country and integrate them. Egypt and Russia and Syria of course joined and supported and funded their attacks that went on for three years. It ended pretty much when Jordan just went in and slaughtered about 3000 of them and they pretty much left up North to Libya and Lebanon.  So 50/50 on this one and the score is Rabbi Schwartz having 9.5 points and the MOT having 3.5 points on this latest Ministry of Tourism exam