from the
Holy Land
from
Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz
"Your friend in Karmiel"
December 23rd 2022 -Volume
12 Issue 10 29th of Kislev 5783
Parshat Mikeitz- Chanuka II
It’s a question that many of the commentaries
ask on this week’s Torah portion and the famous biblical story of Yosef and
Pharaoh’s dreams. Yet this year it hit me that it’s really the essence of
everything. It’s what the parsha is all about. It’s what Chanuka, which is
always around the time of year of this Parsha is all about. It’s what our return
to Israel, our redemption. It’s about me and you. It’s a simple question, but as
like all of my favorite ones, it’s one that your Rebbeim and teachers probably
discouraged you from asking and told you it was a silly one…because they didn’t
have an answer to it themselves. Because they were discouraged from asking
their teachers and their teachers…back to Yosef in Mitzrayim. Yeah…those are my
favorite questions, so let’s get started.
OK so Pharoah has a dream. Two of them in fact.
The first one you have fat cows eating skinny cows by the Ya’or- the
Nile river. The second dream is 7 fat juicy wheat bundles being devoured by 7
skinny ones. This is a troubling dream to Pharaoh. It upsets him for some
reason. Skinny things shouldn’t eat fat things. And if they do they should
become fat. It’s not fair, right…We all hate cows like that don’t we? That can
eat whatever they want and not gain an ounce, while we just cut off a little
sliver of the doughnut-just to taste of course and in honor of Chanukah. Purely
l’sheim shamayim. And then another sliver and another sliver. Because
slivers don’t have calories. Yet, we don’t for some reason remain skinny cows. So,
this troubles Pharaoh. Even skinny Ephraim Schwartz appreciates this.
So, what does he do? He calls in all the smart
men in Egypt. All the professional dream interpreter guys. The wise men, the
magicians, the dieticians, and the life coaches. And guess what? None of them can
figure out the dream. They come up with lots of alternative interpretations
about dying daughters and conquering lands. They all miss the boat. Yosef is
then brought up from the dungeon pit he was thrown into and wada boom wada
bing, he gives Pharaoh the correct interpretation. 7 cows, 7 bundles of wheat whadaya
know it is all about food. Skinny eating fat that means that there will be years
of famine and years of plenty. And the famine years will swallow up the plenty
years and there won’t be food. The days of plenty will be forgotten. Boom. What
genius! What insight! What brilliance! Yosef even comes up with a plan for
them, how they should store food during plenty years for hungry years. Make
this man the prime minister. He’s amazing. He’s insightful. He’s tzofnas
panayach- the revealer of the secrets hidden things. That’s the story. Aren’t
you amazed? Or not…
See, I really don’t get it. And I’m sure you
didn’t as well- you were just scared to ask… But don’t worry this is a safe space.
Is Yosef really such a genius? Is his interpretation so brilliant? I mean really, ask you own kids the question
in modern times and lingo and see if they can figure it out. I have 7 fat juicy
hamburgers and steaks in the fridge and they get eaten up by skinny ones and
they still remain skinny. I have 7 huge fancy 20 dollar doughnuts with all of
those creams and glazes and they are eaten by this simple cheap Israeli ones
that they give out for free to Kollel families with a sprinkling of some white
powder that most of it has fallen off already. What do you first think about? Food.
Eating. Hunger. Is this really a difficult concept? The Nile is the fridge of
Egypt. Cows and wheat are the food. Once I know that’s its food and we’re
talking about being hungry then famine and years is not a far leap. And then
once we have that down, then the solution anyone can give would be to stock up
in the fat years for the lean years. Why is this so impressive? Why didn’t the
Egyptians chap this? Why did you never ask this question yourself? You
know you wanted to. You know it bothered you. Maybe its for the same reason
that they didn’t interpret it as well that way… They as you were trained and
conditioned not to…
Let me ask you another question. Yosef’s
brothers come down to Egypt. They’re looking for Yosef. They obviously think
that he’s still alive. Yaakov is not consoled, and they know that must mean he’s
not dead yet. They hear about this Hebrew kid pulled up from a dungeon that is
in charge of Egypt. He interprets dreams. He saves Egypt. He gets food. They
even meet Yosef. Why don’t they put two and two together? How can they not chap?
I know that when tourists who have taken me a few years ago take me again as
their guide post-stomach surgery, they don’t recognize me. Gosh, I don’t even
recognize myself. But you know what? They figure it out in a minute or two. My
voice, my songs, my personality, they know I’m they’re guide. So really? Come
on? Why is nobody chapping that its Yosef. Sure he’s a bit older, but please…
they’re his brothers for gosh sakes? People recognize each other and siblings
years and years later after the holocaust and other separations. Why aren’t they
getting it? Again, why didn’t you ask these questions?
Let me throw you one more question. But this one
you really may not like too much. You know Jewish history. You’ve been born and
bred upon it. For some reason a major part of Jewish education is learning
about all of the various important things that happened to our nation which is
as the old joke goes. They tried to kill us, we won, let’s make a holiday and
eat. It starts in Egypt and it’s pretty much been non-stop since then. Amalek,
Philistines, Moabites, Babylonians, Greeks, Romans, Muslims, Crusaders,
Europeans, Spain, Russia. It happens every century or so, particularly in
Galus. We all know this. We all learned this. Hashem even tells us this will happen,
and it is our fate as long as the shechina is exiled and we are not in
our homeland with the Bais Ha’Mikdash. So can I ask you- politely- a simple
question. Why are you still not coming to Eretz Yisrael?
Why are you building and investing in a bigger
house addition in a country that you will probably very soon be killed in and
thrown out of. You know it always happens. You know, that thinking America,
Europe, Canada is not going to be different than anywhere else. You’re smart enough
to realize that they thought Hungary and Poland, and Spain were different, and
they weren’t. So why don’t you get it? We always think we are in a medina
shel chesed- until boker tov it’s not anymore. And generally speaking,
there’s really not a lot of time until the years of plenty get quickly swallowed
up and you don’t even remember them in the years of hunger, persecution, expulsion,
genocide and concentration camps. So why are you still there?
The answer I believe is that I think everyone is
in some very deep sleep and are living in dreamland. You can’t really imagine
it otherwise. It so doesn’t make sense. It’s incomprehensible and laughable-although
nervously laughable-to even think that it can happen “again”. It’s different
now. It’s democratic. There are laws. We’re civilized. The world is in a
different place. It just doesn’t make sense. It’s just a bad dream that they
don’t want to interpret-although the answer and future is staring them in the face.
But it can’t really be the reality. How could fat years and fat cows become
impoverished. How can it all disappear? Pharaoh doesn’t get it. His wise men
don’t and Yosef’s brothers don’t either.
They don’t get that Yosef the dreamer who played
with his hair and wore colored shirts and didn’t wear a black hat could
actually be the man who brings the redemption. (Ouch..!) It didn’t make sense.
He was a busy all day with dreams, we sold him down a pit. We’re looking for
him in the brothels and houses of ill repute because that’s the type of guy he
is. We wrote him off. That he would be the gadol ha’dor? Rav Chaim Kanievsky?
That he would be Mashiach? That his dreams were right? That the great talmid
chochom Yissachar and the wealthy baal haboss Zevulun who was just
honored at the Aguda Convention would bow down to him. Would need to come onto
this frei looking sheigitz for my food and even more so for my
spiritual protection that the yesod of the Tzadik Yosef provides for us
in Mitzrayim? That can’t be. We threw him out of our yeshiva. And despite all
the overwhelming evidence contrary, that guy in the palace is no way our
brother. He’s got nothing to do with us. They only saw darkness in him. They
didn’t see the light of his flame, that should’ve woken them up.
Chanuka is that story again, but on the highest
and deepest level. A little history lesson. Alexander the Great comes to Israel
on his world conquest in about the year 300 BC. He conquers the entire world
but due to a fantastic meeting with Shimon Ha’Tzadik- and non-coincidentally a
dream that he keeps having that his victory comes as a result of this great
Rabbi- he spares Yerushalayim which becomes the only place in the entire Greek
Empire that is allowed remain independent. To show their gratitude they name
every Jewish baby boy that year Sender after him. (It drove the kindergarten
teachers crazy but prepared them for all of the future Yoilies, Nachmans and
future Yosef Chaim Shemaryahus.) What a medina shel chesed the Greeks
are! We became loyal and faithful patriots of this new empire. No more of those
Obambabidenlonyians (you like that word) we have our man in the White House. We’ll
call all of the Jewish kids Donald (appreciate please that incredible wild
significance of calling Jewish kids Sender). We have Ramat Trump and we have
official government recognition and World recognition. It doesn’t get better.
It can’t get bad. We went to sleep. And then the bad dream came. And no one
could understand how it could’ve happened.
Alexander dies. Generals take over. Israel is
fought over by the Egyptian Greeks and Syrians. Antiochus the Syrian Greeks
take over. But Jews are still sleeping and not getting the dream is over. They
drank the Greek Kool Aid. The same one Pharaohs wise men did, the same one that
the brothers of Yosef did. They didn’t chap the simple interpretation in front
of their eyes because it was so dark and the bed was so comfortable for so
long. They didn’t see the light of Yosef. They didn’t think that Eretz Yisrael
could be frum again. That the Bais Ha’Mikdash and the Temple Mount could finally
be holy. Sure they davened three times a day for that, but it wasn’t in their
hands to make it happen. It was just crazy radical dreamers that actually
believed that. The guys we threw in the pits. Who in their right mind is crazy
enough to think that a small group of Yeshiva guys could pick up guns, knives
and swords and “fife un” the UN, the world empire. That they could actually
fight and throw out everyone of the holy land. That can rid the country of its
secular assimilated Greek politically correct ideology that had ruled here for
so long. To throw out democracy and finally establish the on Theocracy that the
entire world has been waiting for us to finally shine out to the world.
But Matisyahu and his sons weren’t just dreaming.
They, like Yosef realized that the solution and interpretation to their dream
was in their hands as well. What Hashem wanted them to do He showed to Pharoah,
and He showed to them as well. And they won. It wasn’t a dream. It was a
miracle that revealed that everything in this world is a miracle. We woke up. The
dream was reality. Isn’t it amazing that this week’s parsha is called Mikeitz-
which not only means the end of, but also when we wake up. And just as Pharaoh
woke up and it was a dream, so did we Chanuka time. It is this dream that is
the light of Chanukah. It is the keitz- the end of the darkness. The end
of the slumber. It's really really showing the world what “Woke” is really
supposed to look like.
Today in Eretz Yisrael we are as well in the
process of realizing a dream. 100 years ago this land was desolate, barren,
almost Jew-less. Nothing grew. There were no cities. No farms. Forget about
yeshivas and Torah like we have today. People were starving, child mortality
was 80%. We were being attacked, persecuted and subject to humiliation from our
cousins that were desecrating our holiest places. No sane person would move
here. The dream land was America. It was the heiligeh communities in
Europe. Everything was there in those medinas of chesed. It’s where the
famine wasn’t. It’s where you could make a respectable living, have a nice
house. You could vote, talk politics and shteig away in real mekomos ha’torah
and not have to work the ground, plant, farm, build or fight. You know all of
those goyishe type of things.
But there were dreamers that weren’t sleeping. Some
of them may probably never even saw or learned the Chasam Sofer who writes that
panting and working in Eretz Yisrael is as choshuv and Heilig as
learning Torah. But yet they saw the light of Chanukah. They may have had
colored coats and sandals instead of black hats and shtreimels but they were
the children of Yaakov too. They were Yosef that may have been kidnapped from
their religious upbringing as children, but their spark and flame was still
strong. Their spark would extinguish Esau and Yishmael. They realized that
miracles could and would happen if we weren’t asleep. We could return. We could
make the ground flourish. It’s Hashem’s land He promised us. It’s the only
place where His light could shine out from. They realized that that the keitz
li’yemei harah- the end or the awakening from the days of bad were finally
over. The geula is around the corner, we just need to stare into those
candles and see it. If we do then we will once again see those miracles ba’yamim
ha’heim ba’zman ha’zeh.
Have a miraculous Shabbos Chanuka and a glorious
renewed month of Teves
Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz
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GUESS WHO’S BACK IN MISHPACHA
MAGAZINE JUST IN TIME FOR CHANUKA!
It’s your favorite Rabbi Tour
Guide!!
Check out my latest article and
see me in a toga as we travel through the battles in those times in these days!
Dovid-Golyas, Bar Kochva,
Philistines, Greeks and even Romans.
It’s all here
https://mishpacha.com/in-those-days-in-our-times/
And then post share, and send
letters to Mishpacha telling them how much you enjoy them!
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YIDDISH PROVERB
OF THE WEEK
“Men ken machen
dem cholem grosser vi di nacht..”.- You can make a dream bigger than the night.
RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO OF THE WEEK
https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/maoz-tzur
– In honor of Chanuka my latest song
composition Maoz Tzur! Aren’t you ready for a new tune.. this one is great with
Dovid Lowy doing my amazing arrangements and vocals!
https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/haneiros-halalu
– And once your at it already why not use my
fantazstically uplifting Haneiros Halalu tune for lighting your candles as well
https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/al-hanissim
– And
here’s my Al Ha’Nissim another amazing Lowy arrangement and vocals
https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/chasof-zeroah
- Finally
my first Chanuka hit Chasof Zeroa arranged and sung by Yitz Berry!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPlQBpq1dvQ
– Hillarious Bardak Chanuka video-
come on you’ve all done this…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IN8dTY1E4I8
– If you have time Shlomo Calrebach the light of Chanuka inspiring Reb Shloimeh…
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM
QUESTION OF THE WEEK
answer below at end of Email
NEW EXAM THIS WEEK- JUNE 2022!!
3) The "Green Line" was set in the year:
Which of the following cities is located east of the "Green
Line"?
a) Rosh Haayin
b) Umm al-Fahm
c) Ariel
d) Baqa al-Gharbiyye
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S
ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK
Elisha’s Spring- 706 BC –
Elisha returns after the departure of Eliyahu to heaven in the fiery
chariot to the city of Yericho, where he
is greeted by the prophet students that had previously foretold him that Eliyahu
would be taken. Yet it seems that although they intuited that Elisha was
granted a new level of prophecy, they couldn’t seem to wrap their brains around
the fact that the great Eliyahu Ha’Navi was truly gone. So after nudging
and nudging Elisha about Eliyahu’s whereabouts, they send out
search parties for three days to try to find him, in the valleys and caves in
the Jordan Valley.
This is not the only time
that there will be search parties in this area. From 1968-1970 after the 6 Day War,
Palestinians (or former Jordanians to be more precise), that had fled the West
Bank of the Jordan River- which today is Yehudah and Shomron-and
lived in refugee camps there, would come over the River and launch terror
attacks on Israel. This area then became known as the Eretz Ha’Mirdafim- the
land of the pursuits. Soldiers would have to go cave to cave to try to find
the terrorists and keep the area secure. Many soldiers gave their lives in this
pursuit. Who knows? Maybe they were searching in the same caves where they were
searching for Eliyahu.
Yet, after three days when they come back they tell finally tell Elisha that their mission failed. Eliyahu
is really gone. He hated-to-tell-you-I-told-you-so’d them a bit and then he
moved on to the next business at hand, establishing himself not only as a prophet,
but as a miracle worker and one who is out to help the people. The people of Yericho
tell Elisha that there is a local spring that has terrible water that comes out
that everyone is getting sick from, that women that drink from it become
childless, that brings disease. The commentaries discuss whether this was a
recent thing that happened with the departure of Eliyahu or rather this
dates back to the time when the city of Yericho, was cursed by Yehoshua
when the Chiel and his family rebuilt the city after Yehoshua conquered
it when we first came into the land and prohibited it from ever being rebuilt
so it should stand as testimony to the miracle when Hashem knocked down the
walls in our first entrance into the land. Chiels sons were all killed,
yet the city ultimately was repopulated.
Elisha tells them to bring him a new empty
glass which he then added salt to and then poured it in and the water became
sweet. He promised them that it would remain that way forever which it is until
today. This miracle is very similar to Moshe’s miracle of the sweetening
of the bitter waters of Meriva when we first left Egypt. The difference
though is whereas Moshe acted upon the command of Hashem, Elisha, like his master Eliyahu does the miracle on his own and
Hashem acts according to the prophets command.
The spring of Elisha still remains in the outskirts of the
city of Yericho, near the ancient Tel. We have testimonies going back to
the times of Josephus and earlier of its location and its amazing
healing properties. Unfortunately today we can’t visit the area as it under Palestinian
Area A control which according to the big red signs outside the city is
illegal for Israelis to enter and “MAY BE DANGEROUS TO YOUR LIVES”. Ouch! Yet
Arabs go to this wonderous spring still and there is a beautiful fountain built
upon them that they bathe in as well as using the water for agriculture of
their fields there.
RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE
DREAM JOKES OF THE WEEK
A plumber
went to the doctor. He said "Doctor, every time I try to sleep I close my
eyes and see visions of PVC, copper, steel and corncob. Am I going mad?!"
The doctor
replied "Relax. You're just having pipe dreams."
Just woke
up from a dream about Roman numerals 5, 4, 1, and 500. It was VIVID.
Last night
I had a dream where I experienced a completely new color. It was a pigment of
my imagination
I had a
dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly,
a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a
riderless horse pulls up on the right. The man leans down, pulls open the door,
and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the other door and
jumps onto the other horse.
Just
before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?"
He
replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."
Moshe was
talking to his psychiatrist. "I had a weird dream recently,"
he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found
this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn't get back to sleep. I just
stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of
toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain
the meaning of my dream?"
The
psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, "One slice of toast and
coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"
Tim
listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge,
bright, number -5-. It was made of gold and shined like the sun. Tim's eyebrows
went up with curiosity. I continued to tell him that the first thing I did that
day was to look up the local horse racing track contenders.
Tim raised
an eyebrow. I told him that the number 5 contender in the 5th race was named
"The Fifth Element." Tim started grinning. Then I told him of what I
did to make sure I get my luck working in my favor. I ate 5 bowls of cereal for
breakfast and drank 5 cups of orange juice. I went for a 5 mile jog to feel
good. I spent 5 minutes in the shower washing off. I dressed in the 5th shirt I found. I sat in
my car for 5 minutes before beginning to drive, then I drove to the racetrack
and parked in the 5th stall in the 5th row. I entered through the 5th
admissions gate and bought 5 programs. I went to the 5th betting window and bet
$555 on the 5th horse in the 5th race. I went and sat in the 5th row of the
bleachers making sure there were 5 people sitting on both sides of me.I settled
in and waited for the race to start.
"Well,"
said Tim. "Did your horse
win??!?"
I frowned
at Tim and said, "Stupid horse came in 5th."
It has
always been my dream to be a multi millionaire like my father...My father has
been dreaming of becoming a multi millionaire too..
I’ve
always dreamed of swimming in a body of water filled with soda. Sadly it’s just
a Fanta-sea.
Last night
I dreamed I was driving a Ferrari in the Formula 1 championship race...I was
fast, asleep.
I had the
strangest dream last night, I fell asleep inside a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
I had a
dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram....I was like, 0mg.
Sam
Levinson, the famous Jewish comedian told this story: When his parents were
immigrants, escaping the prejudice of war-torn Europe, they fell under the
spell of the American dream that the streets were paved with gold.
“When
pop got here, he found three things: First, the streets weren't paved with
gold… Second, the streets were not even paved. And third, he was supposed to do
the paving.”
I told my
son to believe in his dreams, and my wife got mad. She is probably just cranky
though since we both just got woken up by our son who had a nightmare.
Grandma's
dream finally came true and she went to medical school. As a cadaver… Oy…!
Iranian
president Ahmadinejad calls Trump and tells him, "Donald, I had a
wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country,
and on each house I saw a banner."
"What
did it say on the banners?" Donald asks.
Mahmud
replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."
Trump says,
"You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or
not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was
more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."
"What
did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.
Trump
replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
********************************
Answer is C -Shame on me for getting
this one only half right. Maybe it’s because I ‘m too tired after a long day of
touring, but I shoild’ve gotten this completely right. The Green line was not
the 1947 Partition plan line that I had written as the correct answer. Rather
it was 1949 Post War Armistice line that was never meant to be borders, just a
cease fire agreement lines that evolved into the what today some leftniks and
UN niks consider what should be the border of Israel. I got part II right
though which was easy. The correct answer of course is Ariel. Rosh Ayin is in
Israel and the two arab cities mentioned were all negotiated to be within Israel’s
borders in those agreements and which Kvish 6 passes right next to on your way
up. So with mhy first half wrong on this exam the score this week is Schwartz
2.5 and 0.5 for MOT (Ministry of Tourism) on this exam.
