Noflights and Notransportation
to the
Holy Land
without
Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz
"Your very
lonely friend in Karmiel"
Datesdon'tmatteranymoruary 26th 2020
2021…whenever
–Vol(gl)ume 11 (Mental)
Issue-20
(ANNUAL TOP TEN LIST!)
I've been looking forward to this week's E-Mail for a while. My sense of
humor has been waning lately. As one of my faithful readers noted to me that when
I've started resorting to Hitler Ym"Sh jokes written by English men, you
know you're in trouble. English humor… that's what I have fallen to… Eih
naflu giborim- Oh how they Mighty have fallen.
Covid jokes are just so 2020. Trump and Biden jokes are too Facebook and
just depressing and angry already. Bibi lines and Israeli politics are just
same old-same old. It's the 4th elections already and there's
nothing left to say anymore. I'm done with angry. I'm done with depressing. I'm
done with English humor. It's time for real funny. The good old Pre-Corona
funny, when jokes were jokes, when you could see people smile. When you could make
a joke when they drink Coca-Cola and watch the soda shpritz out of their
nose as they laugh and not be scared that you were going to get infected with a
world-wide pandemic.
This past week I told my shul that this Purim has to be different than any other
Purim. The need for true simcha is more pressing than the middle shirt button
on my belly. We've spent too much time locked-up, shut-down, holed-up,
restaurant shut-out, and shul-kiddush closed-down . We've stood out and davened
in the shmaltzing heat, the rain, the cold, with steamed glasses and smelly
masks and frankly we really need a lot to cheer us up. The usual Purim with
costumes and masks and shticky Shalach Manos themes about current events or
crises are just not going to work. Drinking? Yeah, we've been doing far too
much of that this year already, I don't even want to think how much I'll have
to drink this year to break my new alcohol level threshold, so that's not going
to work either. Singing, dancing, partying? Nope can't do that either this
year. So you see the problem. On one hand we need to have the best Purim ever,
on the other hand the challenge this year is greater than it has ever been in
my lifetime. Are you up to the task?
Well, have no fear. I'm here to help
you. Because this year I had an epiphany that I had never had before. (which I
imagine is actually the definition of the word epiphany-but I'll leave that for
my editors to deal with.) See, I realized that the true happiness of Purim is
really lies in the secret of the complete turnaround of a situation into one of
the greatest joy. It's not just that we were going to be killed and we were
saved so let's eat, drink and party. That would just be like a vaccine or a
cure for a disease. Rather it's the laughter and joy over what we had perceived
as the instruments of our destruction were in fact really being divinely put
into place to be the tools of our greatest salvation and victory.
It's why the holiday is called Purim-lots. Think of the lots that Haman cast
to determine our destruction as Zyklon B gas. The only way that you would call
the holiday Zyklon B is if you realized that the Z gas was really the means and
symbol of our victory. As crazy as it sounds it's like viewing the Zyklon the
same way we see the jug of oil on Chanuka. It's like seeing Corona as being as
holy and important as the matza that we took as we left Egypt. But it's not
just the name of the holiday either. It's the whole story. The sinful feast of
Achashveirosh we participated in turned into the means that Vashti was killed.
Even when we sin God is working for us!
The gallows Haman made for Mordechai he was hung on. That's funny. Real
Haman-and-his-ten-sons-dangling-on-the-end-of
a-rope-with-their-eyeballs-popping-out hilarious. It's as funny as if this
Iranian Khammeni blew himself up with a nuclear weapon. If Bibi arrived to his
trial in a submarine sipping champagne and smoking a cigar. If AOC choked on a
falafel ball. If Donald Trump's tax forms revealed that he really was getting
money from Russia, but that was just to act so outrageous that the Democrats
would be sure to be elected and the Capital Building would be stormed by all
his disappointed MAGA people, so that all the Jews don't feel safe anymore and
move to Israel. Hmmm… try posting that theory on twitter and see where it goes.
So now you get it? Purim is the humor and joy in the total flip around. 2020
was the set up the joke year. It's where everything at first glance looks all
bad and miserable. 2021 is the punchline. It will be the year when everything
that we thought was bad, we find out was really good. So in honor of the simcha
of your Purim, and after a brief discussion with Hashem and my editors at
Mishpacha who promised not to fire me from the only job I have left and from the
congregants that still come to shul who agreed that they would never abandon me
and our precious synagogue as long as I gave them chulent. Yes, with all of the
above permission slips I have decided to reveal to you this year's long awaited
Top Ten list
THE TOP TEN TURNAROUNDS THAT 2021
WILL BRING
10 Ok Let's start with Corona, as that's the first thing on
everyone's mind. No cures in 2021. The vaccines will prove to be just a bubbe
meiseh that was a scam. I mean don’t get me wrong here, we need to take it,
that's part of the big joke. But the truth is 2021 will actually show that
Corona is good for you. It helps cure the heartburn that many people suffered
from when they ate too much chulent or herring with crackers. In fact, getting
Corona gives you antibodies. The body-or your wife-tell you
"Oh no, you've had three portions already that's too much."
"You'll feel sick and be moaning
all night long"
"If you have another bowl you will have to sleep on the couch."
"If you eat another dessert you won't' fit into that new suit you
bought in case your son ever decided to get married.".
Corona is the "anti"-body-
it is the force that will conquer those evil restraints (like your belt buckle)
that may have prevented you in the past from truly imbibing and literally being
memaleh kreiso like Rav Papa. The anti-body combats the after-effects
that Kiddush gorging may have had on mankind in the past. We should've figured
it out from those positive qualities of preventing smell and bad aftertastes.
It obviously needed to affect our DNA a bit that had been cursed since Adam
Harishon chose to eat a fruit as his first meal instead of waiting for Shabbos
chulent. But after 5781 years the cure on that original sin is finally here.
We've been healed. Isn't that funny. What we thought was a curse was really the
cure. See how this thing works.
9 Now for the next curse turned cure is of course all of those
parents that have been complaining about the fact that their children have not
had school for over a year now. Oyy… these precious brains are wasting away.
They're being filled with internet. They're not learning anything. They're
fighting all day. They're ready to explode and that's just the parents… What
about the long term damage this is doing to the kids? The kids that are going
off the derech. The ones that lost out on a year of education. The ones
that have forgotten what learning from a teacher who can actually see that they're
not paying attention as they watch youtube videos on an alternate screen while
the teachers drone on to the fake screens they have planted. What will become
them. Welcome to the turnaround of 2021.
See what will be revealed in 2021 is that various studies will be conducted
that show that formal education has really been detrimental for children for
all of these years. I've been claiming this for a long time and that was even
before my Rebbeim beat-me lovingly of course. Education actually poisons the
minds of children with knowledge and you know what they say how a little
knowledge is a dangerous thing.
Now don't get me wrong. I am in no way or will ever say that children are
meant to be homeschooled. You're missing the point. Homeschooling is even more
dangerous and more terrible of a sickness. Parents are not teachers. They are
parents. Their job is to raise the children by telling them to get them things
from the fridge while they sit on the couch and write weekly E-mails on the
computer. That is a full-time job and
shouldn't be minimized by wasting time with this education or schooling thing.
No, what will be revealed in this glorious upcoming year is that all education
of children is bad. Children are meant to just sit quietly and play with lego,
draw pictures and clean their rooms and fold laundry. It's why we had them in
the first place. For far too long humanity has bought into this myth that kids
need to go to school. They need to learn math, English – or eengleesh here in
Israel-, history, science or even and perhaps especially Phy Ed for that
matter.
Even Torah studies are really not that important. The basic lessons of the
Torah that they should not eat from trees that provide knowledge will be
obvious to them. Their parents will yell at them not to sell their siblings to
Egypt, or to not kill their siblings or how to circumcise and then massacre any
cities that starts up with their sisters. They will practice goring each other
like oxen. They will be opposed to slavery after being subjected to it by their
parents who are merely teaching them Jewish values and most importantly they
will learn by example that Shabbos is meant to be a day of rest in which they
should eat a large bowl of chulent and sleep for hours and not be disturbed.
Hashem taught us this in the Shema we recited V'Limadetem es beneichem- we
should teach our children. L'daber bam- to speak in them. They should only
speak amongst themselves. They should not disturb parents.
This whole schooling thing has been one big Haman-like conspiracy (who
chazal tell us used to go to yeshiva to talk to the tinokos shel bais rabban
students and who in the greatest of ironies of midda kneged midda was punished
that his children would go to yeshiva in Bnai Brak of all places) In 2021 when
we are finally cured of this there will no longer be kids going off the derech,
because there will not be a derech. No tuition crises because there will be no
tuition. The world will return to its original state like Adam before the sin
before the Torah was given, when the only thing the children needed to know was
not to eat Daddy's food. Amazing!
8 Number 8 brings us to these farshtinkineh
masks we've been wearing this past year. Who would've thought the whole world
would walk around like those Japanese tourists we used to make fun of and look
at oddly. Well 2020 has made us all Japanese. They smell, the fog up my
glasses, they're a pain in the neck. But do you know what 2021 will reveal to
us about them? Do you want to know how these fabric fluffy pieces of
frustration are in fact the best present Hashem has ever given us? It's very
simple, it's also something that I knew very young as a child, but nobody
believed. Particularly not my dentist.
See, I have always had this theory that
brushing your teeth is bad for them. I know for many of you this may seem as
ridiculous as those that say that vaccines are bad for you or that Trump really
won the election, or that Joe Biden is not suffering from late stage dementia
and there's nothing weird about him smelling people's hair. But 2021 will prove
me right. Science will soon discover that the body produces natural enamel
protection for our teeth and brushing them actually gets rid of it. Even worse
than that is that the food that we eat naturally fills up the holes and
cavities in our teeth and there is this dentist conspiracy that cleans them all
out and then boom- "Oh, we're sorry you need fillings", or
"Oh you need a root canal…". Uh huh, because you poked a hole
in my tooth that was just fine until I came her for my "check-up"
that my wife forced me to go to.
Now the only problem with not brushing
your teeth -which will be revealed to be just a conspiracy by "Big
Toothpaste" (colgate and aquafresh) and backed by big money from the ADA
(American dental association)- is that your teeth get yellow and that you have
bad breath. Now in the old days my grandmother used to use Listerine which is
really the same stuff those toilet cleaning mints are made of. But it tastes
really bad. Welcome to the miracle of 2021. We all wear masks. No need to brush
the teeth. No one sees how yellow they are and they can't even smell your
breath. Think of all of the money we'll save on toothpaste, toothbrushes and
dental floss. No need for braces, no more root canals. See how the thing that
was once seen as such a pain is the best thing to ever happen to you and your
teeth. An added benefit is that someone can make a joke that you didn't think
was funny and you can pretend you're smiling. Like you're doing now…
7 Now some of you have enjoyed the lockdowns this
year. You don't like people much. You go on vacation by yourself to be "one
with nature". You work on your computer from home and really don't
like going to shul or socializing much. You prefer Facebook friends that
virtually "like" you and you prefer to communicate with emoji's or in
tweets. But for the rest of you that are not from Seattle, this has been a
rough year. Have no fear 2021 will give you the reason why Hashem has put us through
all of this.
There's a story about the Kotzker Rebbi
who, as is known, locked himself up in a room for many years. Once a student
climbed up a ladder outside the Rebbi's window and peeked inside. The Rebbi,
whose back was to the window was mumbling to himself and the student was
determined to hear what holy words the Rebbi was saying, so he opened the
window a crack. The Rebbi without turning around said out loud "farmacht
der fenster… de velt shtinkt- close the window the world stinks". That
was the world in 2020 that Hashem saved us from.
See the people that live in Staten Island
or the Bronx know that the world stinks. As well, those that live in Beit
Shemesh or Chareidi hafgana (protests) neighborhoods know that familiar police
spray aroma that one smells when they approach their neighborhoods. It is reminiscent
of that smell you get when you walk in Central Park and feel that smush under your
feet as you walk too close to fire hydrants. Skunk spray is a polite word for
it. Well in 2020 it seems there was this stench in the world. It could've
driven people mad if we all would've been outside. In fact, the ones that did
go outside, much like the ancient Egyptians who left their cattle outside
during the plagues, got infected and felt a need to burn and protest things.
The Lockdowns Hashem blessed us with, using those clueless Ministry of Health
and Ouchi as pawns in the same way he used Achashveirosh, immunized us from
these skunk sprays in the future.
How does it work? It's like that other
story about the guy who complained to the Rebbi that his house was too small.
So the Rebbi made him move in the chickens, the sheep, the cows and the pigs in
with him and then to slowly take them out one by one. The man was amazed how
roomy his house felt afterwards. Similarly, after a year cooped up with our
families in the house. The velt doesn't seem too shtinky to us anymore. We
can now protest and it won't affect us anymore.
6 Perhaps the thing that most people
"fake-complained" about in 2020 was that the shuls were closed. If
you didn't tell someone how sad you were that you couldn't daven with a minyan
or how much you missed that inspiration you only get with tefilla b'tzibur,
or how it has been so hard for you without the Rav's drasha, or how you promise
that you will never talk again on the same block as a shul, or answer your
telephone at the same time that someone in the world davening (my wife has that
chumra-or maybe that's only when I'm trying to reach her); if you haven't said
any of those things then you are really not frum and you should probably cancel
your Ami magazine subscription as well.
But that was just show. We know that.
It's like saying nisht b'shabbos g'redt when cutting a business deal in
middle of layning, or telling your wife how beautiful the dress she bought or
the shaytel she got looks on her-because if you don't you will end up having to
sit through a whole fashion show in the store or your living room until she
decides what she wants and it will probably cost you more money in the end.
Sure we miss the Kiddush and the camaraderie and yes there are Shuls like the
Young Israel of Karmiel where the Rabbi does throw in a few good jokes here and
there, but it's really not worth sitting through a half hour drasha and the
songs that he thinks fell from heaven into his mouth but were really just the
taste of bad shampoo that dripped in while he was singing in the shower.
But this again will turn around for us in
2021. For too long too many Jews have
been wrongly praying that Hashem return us to our shuls. But that's like
davening that Hashem lets this girl or guy that you particularly think will be
perfect for you agree to marry you. Bad move. Hashem knows who the right person
you are meant to suffer with in this world with and that will bring you your
full tikun for all of the sins you committed in your previous life.
Don’t second guess Him.
2021 will reveal to us that Hashem never
meant for our prayer experience to be one that is tedious and uncomfortable. He
doesn't accept our prayers because we suffer through them and cringe our faces
and pretend not to look at our watches and sing nicely. Shul prayer really only
started when the Beit Hamikdash was destroyed to make us long for the day when
we finally get released from Shuls and return to the nice open air view of
Yerushalayim with the smell of BBQ sacrifices and the choir of Levites singing
Rabbi Schwartz songs. In 2021 we will understand that leaving our Shuls was
really like the first step of the Exodus from Egypt. Standing on the street
davening is like us davening by the Yam Suf as the Egyptians (or the Corona
police here in Israel) come chasing us. Hashem says I don't need your
prayers. Jump in the swimming pool. Have
some fun, Make a mangal (bbq) I just want my people to have fun.
5 2020 has been a year of protests. Lots of angry
people screaming, rioting, burning things. The whole world has become Meah
Shearim. These protests- particularly the Black Lives Matter movement-have
spawned great social awareness of the very important causes that have been
ignored for far too long. Black people have been unfairly persecuted and
discriminated against. They cannot become President of the United States for a
third term, they cannot just take wide screen TVs and stereo systems from
stores without paying for them, they are forced to play professional sports for
mere millions of dollars when everyone knows how boring that is and unless they
put on a shtriemel, bekeshe, and grow payos they cannot have their music played
in mainstream chareidi yeshivos and this is just because of the color of their
skin. I know this is a problem because my name is Shvartz and I as well cannot
become, president, play sports, or get my music played anywhere.
But this social awareness movement that
can be frustrating for many really just set the foundation for the most
important social action movement that needs to take hold before Mashiach comes.
Get ready for Fat Lives Matter.
For too long, vertically-waist challenged
people have suffered with airplane seats that are too small, seatbelts that are
too short, bathroom stalls that do not have enough room to allow you to open
your knees like skinny people have always been able to. Clothing stores
arrogantly only carry sizes for people with single or low double digit waist
sizes, Doritos and potato chips bags are blatantly filled with air so that
anyone with suffering from a mild eateverythinginsightis condition are left to
humiliatingly eat five bags to the scorn of those arrogant corpulently-diminished
onlookers.
In Israel this fatcism it is even
worse as they mockingly call an XTRA large cup of soda, something the size of a
dixie cup that I wash my mouth out at the dentist's office. Xtra Xtra large
pizza pie is the size of a personal pie in the States. This is all done to
embarrass those of us that need a little bit more than a lotta bit to satisfy
our very slow metabolism. The medical reason for this metabolic difference is
because the energy that most skinny people use to digest food is being diverted
to for the extra brain power and that smiley happy demeanor that fat people all
have to maintain despite their horrible persecution.
Well in 2021 the Fat Lives Matter will
change this. Much like Coca Cola recently instituted employee education
programs teaching people to be "less white". FLM will be instituting
mass training programs at corporations and schools teaching people to be
"Less Skinny". Being Less skinny means that all people should first
of all throw out all scales from their homes. They are instruments much like
Aunt Jemima's pancakes that mock and have been used to put a number on
someone's weight, as if that is all that weight is. Second of all skinny people
will be required to have at least one popped button on their shirt and one pair
of split pants, think of it like your Pride flag to show you are not a Fatcist
and that you identify with fat people.
Third of all and this is the miracle and
turnaround of Corona 2020 year. You know that Social distancing thing that the
world has gotten used to. No one is allowed to sit next to one another on the
bus, the plane the train, at concerts. Those seats are now reserved for the long
suffering obese people who deserve a second seat. They are our reparations. Anyone
that can bend down and touch their toes will not be permitted to sit in them.
People will have to show a tell-tale coffee stain or pasta or ketchup stain on
their shirts to identify themselves. As well there will special lines in
supermarket for those people who obviously have more body fat to feed. Their
physical girth-challenge and years of discrimination and shaming has earned
them the right to skip ahead in line.
4 Israel and the end of all tourism to Israel has
certainly been difficult on many people in 2020 and viewed as an eis tzara.
This is particularly true for tour guides with families to feed and children to
marry off. But it has been rough on those parents who usually like to come to
visit their daughters and sons in seminary and yeshiva as they "gap"
year here. Because after all, video and facechatting 5 times a day is certainly
not enough for their poor little Chani and Shloimy who are so far from Mommy
and Totty. So sad…
But have no fear the sem and yeshiva year
are not over yet. See all of this has just been a ploy from Hashem to turn it
all around. There is nothing more powerful in life then the feeling of need and
desire then when something has been taken away from you. Nothing makes us
appreciate more how precious the gifts we have or a person or place is to us
then when we are told that we can't have it anymore. I'll try to explain this
concept with a very emotional personal anecdote that you all love hearing so
much from me.
I remember once I was at a wedding of a
very close and dear friend of mine. I was so happy that I was able to attend,
as our relationship was so very special and had endured through the decades and
over the continents. So there I was at this wedding and they had this most
incredible smorgasbord. They had this incredible carving station with more
meats than Achashveirosh had at his feast. I remember how I carefully and
selectively filled up my plate with the reddest pieces of pastrami, pickled
corned beef, liver pate, duck, tongue, slabs of prime ribs and sino steak. I
had another side dish plate of condiments, hot chopped peppers, sour pickles
(from Gus's on the lower East Side), mustard, both Dijon and deli and of course
some freshly grilled onions and tomatoes. There was no room on my plate for any
other vegetables and salads, which didn't bother me at all.
I made my way to my table, relishing
(excuse the pun) that first taste, that bite into this huge sandwich on club
that I had so artistically crafted. It was more beautiful than a sunset in the Golan
Heights over the Kinneret. More fair than Esther Hamalka. It was a work of art.
But then I realized that I had to wash first. As I made my way out to the
washing station I saw a sign for a restroom and figured that was probably a
good idea to visit there as well prior in order to make more room for the
incoming shipment. It took a little longer than I would've liked but all good
things come with the proper patience and preparations. I exited. I washed. I
made my way back to my table. And much to my horror and devastation the
waitress had cleared the table. My sandwich had been taken from me.
I was bereft. I felt empty and alone. I
lifted my eyes to the heavens and cried out mei'ayin yavo ezri or
perhaps more accurately deli. I looked to those carving tables where my
salvation and hope had come from but they were closed. They were folding them
up. The only one left was the one with pepper beef and rice. I ran over there
and peeked inside. It was mostly pepper. There was one small piece of gulash
meat floating in this mass of sauce and it reminded me of the Kotel, that
wailing wall that is a small remnant of the Temple. It made me want to cry. I
finally appreciated that sandwich that I once had more than I ever had and that
I took for granted. I knew that pepper steak or for that matter any meat that
needs to be put into a sauce and buried in rice is never a legitimate replacement
of a solid piece of cow. I left the wedding quickly and headed over to Essen on
Coney and bought a sandwich. I heard it was a nice wedding.
Now imagine if as I was leaving the
wedding the waitress would have come running over to with my plate in her hand.
Imagine if I realized that my Temple wasn't really gone. She was just holding
it in the Kitchen for me. I just didn't know it. Can you imagine the joy I
would've embraced it with? The song I would've broken out to and composed in
honor of the occasion. It would have been Dovid Hamelech tehillim worthy. That,
my friends, is the joy we will experience when the skies open up to Eretz
Yisrael one again. That is the joy the
Chutznikim, who felt that all was lost, will experience when they land back in
Ben Gurion. It is the love and ecstasy the tour guides will feel for their
tourists when they once again call them up and tell them that they are back. We
won't even mind their kvetchy kids, their very late-starts and changing
itineraries. We won't even mind the extended bathroom breaks that mess up our
schedule or that need to be changed because someone didn't go when the Rabbi
said we should or that didn't buy nosh for the kids to keep them satiated. We
won't care because our sandwich has returned. Hashem just wanted us to feel
this joy and everything else will have than been worth it.
3 Political upheavals have definitely been one of
the downsides of 2020 for all of those Trumpies out there that thought he was
Mashiach. See when Hillary lost the left wingers and Israel haters just cried a
lot for four years. Weahh Weahhh Weahhhh
He's not my president… He's a racist, he's Russian, he has bad middos, he has
orange hair. The frum world, besides the few token fancy writers in Mishpacha
magazine and the liberal modern orthodox Jews that just saw in Trump the
personification of the yeshiva guy that possessed all of his fine qualities and
social graces who should have always been a lo yutzlach become
successful and they despised him for that. He made it and never went to college
and couldn't talk a straight sentence in English and probably was the guy
schmoozing in the back of the shul during davening who still claimed to be more
frum than they are. And the yeshiva world all became Chabad and sang Yechi
Hamelech to the Donald. Yeahh…and then 2020 came.
Purim 2021 post-election is hard for the
yeshiva world to celebrate. Not only because those lefties are smiling and
gloating, but because they fear of the new world order that Biden and the left
wing controllers of his dementia medicine have planned for them and for Israel.
Who will pardon all of our white collar criminals? Who will give us surplus
checks? Who will make up funny nicknames about people we don't like? Who will
educate the world so prolifically about the evils of evil, and the greatness of
great, and of other important stuff. What will become of these silly red hats
and what will we talk about during kriyas haftorah, Kiddush and weddings while
we wait an hour for the chasan and kallah pictures to finally finish?
Don't worry. Your sadness will turn to
joy in 2021. Just as on Purim Hashem replaced Vashti with Queen Esther and just
as Haman was replaced by Mordechai. This was all better for the Jews. Just wait
till Hashem reveals in the newest candidate and Messiah of the Jewish people; Heshy
Tishler.
When Tishler becomes elected president of
the United States we will finally appreciate how much we were missing under the
Trump administration. Forget about a Chanuka lighting or Mincha on the front
lawn, we'll be having Mendelsohn's pizza Melave Malkas every week. The red hats
you cherished so much like they were your grandfathers pair of teffilin from
the holocaust will now be replaced by Tishlers big fat yarmulkas which can be
picked up in any Jewish Book store. If you enjoyed watching the liberals cringe
with every Trump speech imagine when Twitter becomes liberated with Tishler.
His first executive order will be to call it Twishler. He will have his face
put on Mt. Rushmore (actually on two mountains one for each cheek) and he will
have dollar bills printed with his picture on them. But perhaps the greatest
joy will be around Rosh Hashana when he not only pardons all White collar
criminals but in fact even legalizes welfare fraud, Ponzi schemes and cutting
the line in the Pizza shop for all nationalized citizens who have American or
Jewish sounding last names. Israel will be declared the 51st State
of the USA and all Palestinians will need to convert to Judaism to live in
Israel under his new one state solution. AOC and the gang will be put into
Cuomo's nursing homes and freedom will once again reign in the free world. And
you thought Purim 2400 years ago was big, wait till you see the Purim parade in
the capital building next year!
2 So many people lost their jobs in 2020, so many
businesses were forced to close down, so many formerly up and coming industries
have come to a crashing halt in the wake of Corona. The only ones making money
are the Chinese who started this whole thing by making all of these masks and
hand sanitizers and the Pharma companies who will keep coming up with newer and
more improved vaccines for the weekly new mutations that have been coming out
that we will all have to take if we ever want to sit down and order in
restaurant again. Oh and Dr. Fauchi.
It has reached a point that there are
more people than ever in Lakewood and Monsey and Boro Parrk that have the need
to go to the weekly Food Banks to pick up their free steaks, Deli, single malt
scotch, and gourmet meals that have been generously sponsored by those who
donated to Kupat Ha'ir in exchange for Reb Chayim davening only for them that
they should get married, have children and never get Corona. It has gotten so
bad that people in Lakewood are now only making small modest weddings that have
a mere 800 people, only 7 courses and 10 piece orchestras with only 3-men
chasidish singers and only one professional singer. There are even rumors that
there are those that are availing themselves of the newest Rechnitz wedding
grant for anyone that plays any songs from his new album (double grant if you
use his Im Eshkochaych for the chuppa and usurp Shwekey's). I even heard there
was a kiddush in Flatbush that only had 3 types of herring. Yes, the situation
is becoming reminiscent of the siege of Jerusalem before the churban. Mothers
might start boiling their children if we are not saved and that's not just
because they haven't been in school for a year.
Well 2021's turnaround will bring a smile
to everyone's face when you hear what Hashem has planned. See in 2021 money
will no longer be relevant. Bitcoin and cryptocurrency which Hashem has already
started putting into place as the refuah before the makka- the
vaccine before the plague if you will- has set the foundation for a moneyless
society. We will not need to work anymore. It will be Manna from heaven. See
what will happen is the world will decide that it's really not fair that we
should have to work anymore. Work is hard and is a pain. People deserve to get
things even without money. There's plenty of 1's and 0's out there in the world
wide web, in 2021 we will figure out how to put them all together in some
algorithm that makes everyone rich. You basically go to shul, daven, learn your
daf, say parshas haman, pick up some lekach and bromfen on your way out of shul
and open up your computer and boom your rich. Just load up your bank account
with cryptomoney. It's easier than playing monopoly. Forget about selling
things on Amazon. Now you can just buy and buy and buy and your account will
never run out. Hashem was just making people lose their jobs so that we could
get used to never having to work anymore. We are all Bill Gates, we are all
Bezos, we are all Trump, we are all Rechnitz, we are all Jeremias (he paid me
to put that in J). As a sign of faith in this new upcoming system
I personally am giving out free cryptocurrency to all of the bachurim that come
collecting this year. La'yehudim haysa oira v'simcha v'bitcoin viyacurr-ency
You have made it this far. You really
have way too much time on your hands. Don't you see your children cringing at
the Shabbos table that want to leave already. Didn't you hear your wife call
you five times to help out in the kitchen. Your boss is wondering why you are
laughing so much at your computer. Your backside is hurting from sitting for so
long and your foot is falling asleep. I'm impressed at your endurance. I know that
not all of you have had the steady regimen of hours long couch sitting or
mindless computer gazing that I have had this year. Kol Hakavod.
And so here we have the Number 1
Turnaround for 2021 that has been perhaps the most challenging for so many
millions out there. Yes the most difficult thing has been that not being able
to see their favorite Rabbi and friend in Karmiel all year long. Sure some of
you have watched the Mishpacha videos of me giving tours and sliding down
waterfalls (First Mishpacha magazine swimsuit model ever-thank you very much). The
more dedicated fans even started watching the weekly Parsha Youtube videos I
put out; thanks Mom and sometimes Dad. But it's not the same. It's not in the
flesh. You miss those huge Rabbi Schwartz bear hugs and sloppy wet kisses. You
pine for his roaring laugh at his own jokes. It has been a difficult year
without it. Frankly many can't figure out how they were even able to get out of
bed in the morning without it.
Well get ready for the biggest surprise
of 2021. It seems that the Corona virus and its subsequent vaccine has moved
science at warp speed to its latest innovation; cloning Rabbi Schwartz. Being
that his BMI was incredibly ripe for two people and he had plenty of under-utilized
brain power that all his teachers and Rebbei, described with a sigh as having
sooo much potential. He has a, smile and a voice loud enough for two it was a
no-brainer to utilize him as the first subject in this earthshattering
breakthrough procedure. First he was doubled, then tripled and then his cells
were 4D printed in order to create Rabbi Schwartzes for everyone. Now you as
well can be the proud owner of a cloned Rabbi Schwartz. Imagine what your
Shabbos table will be like having him personally reading his weekly E-Mails for
you. Imagine having a handy Rabbi Schwartz with you every time you have an
important question about what type of tree you are passing in your car
(avocado). Think of the songs he can compose for your special occasion. Think
of how much better your daily meals in the house will be as everyone loves
cooking for Rabbi Schwartz. It's something about that satisfied rapturous look
on his face after a good meal that everyone wants to be part of. And the best
part is that you will never feel guilty about taking a second portion again.
I'm sure you're wondering how to get this
special Rabbi Schwartz clone. Well the first step is to order his brand new
" The next Most Enjoyable Book You'll Ever Read
about Pesach" that has long awaited. As it seems that the Rabbi
Schwartz clone will only go into houses that have this book. Think of it like
the blood on your doorposts by the plague of the first-borns. Once you have
ordered that book you should make sure you have his first book as well, as they
really both need to be in the house for the clone to function properly. Finally
make that donation and sponsor his weekly E-Mail that you've been meaning to do
for a long time already. The rest of the details will follow after that. Don't wait,
don't hesitate, there will be a limited supply. You know you want him there by
your Pesach Seder singing his Eli-yahoo song. So smile, click on those necessary
links, make a l'chaim or two or three and celebrate Purim like you never have
before as we get ready for the best holiday ever. Now get back you what you
were doing an hour ago…
Have Fraylichen Purim Meshulash,
Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz
This week's
Insights and Inspiration is Free. We don't want your sponsorship this week. We
don't want to honor your bar mitzva, wedding, or even to remember your beloved
departed goldfish. It's just free. Enjoy. No guilt. It's Purim. The guilt will
begin again next week. So take this one on us!
PARSHAT TETZAVE PURIM
5:32 PM - CANDLELIGHTING
4 minutes before Shkiya in the Schwartz Home
5:20 PM- MINCHA
KABBALAT SHABBAT- or when the minyan finally shows up and we convince someone
to take the amud
8:30 AM -SHACHARIS-
for the Rabbi only
9:00 AM-Barchu
or when half of the people show up
9:30 The baal
Koreh shows up
10:15 AM-
Rabbi' Sermon
10:15 AM when
the other half of the people show up and catch up on davening
10:15 AM- when
the break-off minyan starts Musaf and Shacharis for the people above who have a
phobia of being in shul for more than 15 minutes
10:30 AM Rabbi
starts noticing everyone looking at their watch in middle of drasha and hears
someone whisper that next week they are joining break-off minyan
10:45 AM- Two
people walk out pretending to go to the bathroom, it's kind of awkward because
two other people looked like they were about to get up as well. They don't come
back. The Rabbi notices and ends drasha.
11:00-
Rabbi screams for Tully who just showed
up 10 minutes ago to quickly come in and say Anim Zemiros.
11:15 Chulent
Kiddush- lots of new faces that weren't there by davening hmmmm….
4:50 PM- MINCHA
SHABBOS- for those not davening or at least claiming to have davened at street
minyan
5:46
-MARIV- 10 minutes after tzeis because
Rabbi Schwartz needs more time to get to shul after Shalosh Seudos as he is
busy trying to read his weekly E-Mail to his suffering children.
**********************************
***************
" Vos bei a nichteren oif dem lung, iz beim shikker oif
der tsung.." What a sober man has on his lung (mind), a drunk has on
his tongue.
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK
answer below at end of Email
17)
What is the proper protocol for Tour Guides when an international pandemic
shuts down the world and doesn't allow tourists into Israel
A)
Sit on your couch and eat Doritos all day and watch YouTube videos
B)
Get to all of those tasks like cleaning your office, and transferring your
tapes to digital media, organizing your finances, finish Shas and write a book,
and then learn with your children
C)
take up a serious excersise regiment to stay in shape for when the skies open
up, preferably by checking out new sites to take your tourists to when the
skies reopen
D)
write even longer weekly E-Mails
https://youtu.be/HRZRACxs6Xc – Eitan Katz Gut Purim
https://youtu.be/oPGB6LmvSNs - NissimBlack R'Shua Upside Down Purim
https://youtu.be/XDTp5XEf3ao - Kavod 19 Rosenblum Shalach Manos Cute!
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S
AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK
The
adventures of Rabbi Schwartz - 2020 CE- After a decade of
spending everyday traveling the holy country of Israel with the Jewish people
from around the globe. One day in Masada, the next in the Dead Sea,
a little Golan Heights, some camel riding in the Negev, topped
off with a dip in the Kinneret. It was a relative period of peace.
Business was booming, the manna was falling from heaven and then as most
biblical stories go the plague came.
Because when Hashem was giving out the
holiday He asked the American Jews if they want the mitva of a Yom Tov holiday.
They asked "What do we have to do
on the holiday?"
Hashem responded "It's a day of
eating, drinking and feasting"
"Ahh if that's the case we want two
days"
"And what about the holiday of Purim?"
asked Hashem
'What do we do on that holiday?' they wanted to know
Ohhh on Purim people come around collecting
and you have to give charity.
"In that case" they said "we
only want one day"
On the other hand, when Hashem approached
the Yerushalmi people and they heard that Yom Tov meant eating and drinking and
feasting they were aghast
"We can barely put food on our
table for Shabbos meals, how can we have another day when we have to buy fancy
meals and meats and wine- we want only one day"
When He asked them about Purim though and
they asked Him what it was about He told them
that Purim was a day to go all over and
collect tzedaka money.
"We'll take two days!' and there you have it.
The Purim Rav was darshaning and said that
we have to eat kreplach on Purim as there are three days we have to eat
kreplach; Purim Hoshana Rabba and Erev Yom Kippur when we shlog kapparos. The
skeptic in the front row asked what source was there for this minhag? The Rav
answered that it says in the Torah Hakeh Takeh- hit you should surely hit. And
those days that are all days that we hit. On Purim we hit by Haman, on Hoshana
rabba we klop hoshanas and on Erev Yom Kippur we klop al cheit for our sins.
In fact he continued it is merumaz in the
pasuk Ha'K' eH stands for Haman, Kapparos,
Hoshana and Ta'K'eH stands for Tochal
kreplach harbeh- eat lots of kreplach.
The skeptic wasn't going away though… He
asked but kreplach is written with a kuf and taKeh has a kof. It doesn't work!
Without thinking twice the Rebbi answered that when Sarah dies the Torah tells us that she was 127 years old and Rashi says "bas kuf k'bas kof" (a 100 year old is like a twenty year old). When one removes the sin. So after you klop and there is no sin it becomes a kaf!
Haman was hung. His children were hung. Why was his wife Zeresh not hung?
As for many good questions on Purim this
one has numerous answers…
1) She was a woman
2) Don't ask questions on women
3) Don't start up with women.
4) so as not to violate the prohibition of Baal Tosif
because if they would've then the number would've been chamishim amma v'zeresh.
5) behind every (hanging) man is a good
women pushing him forward (off the gallows)
6) What you didn't hear it's been a while
that stopped hanging women faces (on posters) in Chariedi neighborhoods?
7) There needed to be at least one
baalabusta left to make hamantashen
8) they actually planned on hanging her
there for a special women's tznius gathering along with speakers, and hafrashas
challa and nishmas recitals with a inspirational womens dance production in
honor of the occasion. But there were Rabbis that protested against the movie
and it was canceled.
9) she was supposed to be hung but she
couldn't decide what to wear for the occasion. What do you wear for a hanging? Black?
Blood red? There's no clear protocol… and nobody had patience to wait for her
to decide
10) When they came to take her to get hung.
She started screaming that it was less than a month to Pesach. Who was going to
clean the cabinets? Who was going to do the children's room, the garage... Who
was going to start cooking? Forget about it! Get out of my kitchen and everyone
was scared and left.
On Purim we all wear masks, drink all day
and overeat… It sounds like a lockdown.
*********************************
Answer is A –Really??!! You're still reading… C'mon
it's over already. You knew the right answer to this question. Ahhh I know why
you're here…. You just want to end all recite together in chorus…OK here we go
together now AND THE SCORE NOW STANDS AT 14 FOR RABBI SCHWARTZ AND 3 FOR
THE MINISTRY OF TOURISM ON THIS EXAM!!!!
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