In-Tights and Procrastinations
from the
Rolly Man
Your Friend (who you haven’t contributed lately to) in Karmiel
from the
Rolly Man
Your Friend (who you haven’t contributed lately to) in Karmiel
The Karmielereh Rebbe
Reb Froyem Shvartz Shlit”A
March 1st 2018 CE - Volume 8 Issue 20 14th
Adar 5778
Purim Spoof
Edition
Rabbi
Schwartz's annual Top Ten List...
The Crisis Solution Revelation of Esther
It is the eternal book. It is the revealer
of all hidden things. There are more secrets inside of this scroll, named after
this famous woman. More intrigue, more revelations about scandals, infidelity,
plots, conspiracies and yes even murder than any other book in the history of
the world. No, I am not talking about Hillary Clinton’s personal diary. Why
would you even think that? She never wrote a scroll J, and is pretty much not famous anymore JJ. Click Click…. Just lost some angry democrats who deleted this
E-Mail. I don’t know why they take this so personally… Ahhh well they were
never really sponsors anyways, although they did want the government or at
least the top “one percenter” to pay for my weekly E-Mail or at least subsidize
it. Something that I actually fully agreed with.
No,
the book I am I referring to of course is the Book of Esther. The book of
Esther one of the last holy Jewish Books to be written in history. I mean holy
books with divine spirit. We have plenty of holy books written since then. In
fact there is an excellent one-that quite possibly was actually written with Ruach
Hakodesh- that I can recommend that is humbly called “The Most Enjoyable
Book You will Ever Read about Pesach” that can be purchased by clicking on
the following link http://holylandinsights.blogspot.co.il/2016/04/rabbi-schwartzs-new-bookmost-enjoyable.html
Incidentally and for your convenience once there you can also make that
contribution and E-Mail sponsorship you have been telling yourself you really
should have made already. But Esther is one of the last certainly. Our sages
tell us that the Book of Esther will in fact be an eternal book. Whereas all
other holidays will be nullified when Mashiach comes, Purim will be forever and
its Meggilla always read. I bet you can’t wait until you don’t have to Pesach
clean, or build a Sukka anymore, although I will probably miss Latkas and
Doughnuts on Chanuka and Blintzes on Shavuot. The reason for this of course is
because the Book of Esther is for every generation. “Bi’chol dor vador”
It is written on every door. No I mean in it’s for every generation.
The Meggila is a mysterious holy book.
Hashem’s name is hidden inside of it. One has to drink a real lot to see it.
It’s kind of like most of Jewish history in fact. We have so much suffering,
persecution, anti-Semitism, heartburn and psoriasis. There are times you wonder
where Hashem is. There are others where
you wonder where your Tums or your Metamucil might be. Yet if we ponder deeply,
reflect and look at the big picture we will see His hand. It is that light at
the end of the tunnel. It is that salvation that always picks us up… well at
least most of the time… OK maybe not most, but really a lot of the time. The
other times He’s just testing us and rewarding us later…or atoning… or trying
to get us to do teshuva…or speeding up the exile by intensifying it… Whatever…
Hashem is always there… OK! I know it, you know it and Purim we celebrate it.
How do we know it? See that’s the special
thing about Purim. We’re supposed to drink until we don’t know. Because once
you don’t know that you know then you all of a sudden you know that you know.
And that in fact you have always known. Even when you thought you didn’t know
that you knew. And then you realize that it doesn’t even make a difference if
you know or you don’t know because there are free Hamantashen and another glass
of wine to drink and somebody to dance with and he’s not even Breslav. Get it?
If you don’t then drink up.
Now once you understand all of that, what
you then see is that all of the challenges and seeming crises that you may be
facing or that our generation might be suffering from are really in fact not
just random or even self-inflicted problems or challenges. They are from
Hashem, our loving Father, our holy King, the Creator of Heaven and Earth and
the One who enlightened Mankind with the idea of making Chulent. It is all
good.
Now because I am dedicated to you my dear
readers, I have taken upon myself to reveal some of the secrets of how Hashem
within the Book of Esther revealed to us the solutions to the modern day “crises”
facing the our nation. This was not a task I took lightly as there are many
serious issues we are facing. I understood that although the solutions seem
clear to everyone when they drink on Purim. But the problem is that we kind of
forget them when we wake up the next morning with a hangover. It is like an
angel taps us on our upper lip like when we were in the womb, or like someone
wacked me in the mouth with their toy sword while I was rolling around on the
ground in a stupor. That wasn’t you, Aliza was it? So this year I decided to
get drunk before Purim for your sakes. That way I can have that great
revelation and tell you the answers you seek to how to resolve these incredible
issues our generation faces while you are still sober. Fascinatingly enough and
just like our annual tradition here in our Purim E-Mai; Hashem has revealed to
me, like the ten commandments and like the ten words that world was created
with, and like the ten plagues and like the ten sons of Haman. Yes it is that
long awaited for time of year….drumrollllllll….. Please stand up and raise your
glasses to
Rabbi Schwartzes Top Ten Solutions to Current Issues found in the
Megilla
Issue number 10) facing the Jewish world.
Rabbi Schwartz has stopped smoking. He used to be a very nice and calm person.
He had patience for everyone he met and dealt with. Particularly really whiny, kvetchy
children that he would take on tours and who wondered if we were there yet 5
minutes after we left or why he got the front last time or he’s kicking
pinching or looking at me types. As well old people that need to go to the
bathroom five minutes after we left somewhere and I asked anyone if they had to
go. For that matter mothers that think they know better than the tour guide
what their children want to do “they really like to learn about rocks and
the Torah personality and insights… no they certainly don’t want to shoot real
guns and go jeeping through the desert”. Or even annoying drivers that come
late, that don’t know the way or Israeli sites that open and close at random
time and at their own discretion. Yes
Rabbi Schwartz had patience for all of these people. Because he would sneak
behind the bus, pretending to take a very important phone call from a
congregant of his that needed his incredible halachic expertise, and just light
up and breath in and out, letting all his anxiety go away. He can’t do this
anymore. He is aggravated he yells at everyone. He even gained like 50 pounds
and can barely fit into the shower. This is a crisis for Klal Yisrael,
for without Israel’s most popular tour guide the country will go bankrupt.
Particularly all the mehadrin restaurants he brings everyone to. What is
the solution?
Solution: Just as the Megilla tells us
Haman as well stopped smoking. As it says vayimaleh Haman chayma- and
Haman became vapid- Yes he quit smoking and was doing E-cigarettes and vaping
instead. So obviously he would get aggravated by Mordechai. So what does the Megilla
tell us he did to calm down. He built a gallows for the one the man that
annoyed him. So the solution to the issue is to have Rabbi Schwartz build a
gallows for all those people that annoy him in his backyard and it will
seemingly have a very calming effect. Issue one solved!
Issue 9): Shidduch crisis- as you most
certainly know there are millions of 15 and 16 year old boys in the Orthodox world
that are not getting married. They are staying in yeshiva until they finish
High School and by the time they graduate they are much to old already to marry
20 or 21 girl and get free added incentive extra money for marrying someone
older than themselves that is currently being offered by the NAStI Project and
the “He- knows- how- to- tie- his- shoes-by himself- already,-maybe he’s
ready Project. This is a problem first of all what will all these
boys do if they do not have mother figures in their lives to make their beds
and do their laundry. As well many of these “older” girls might have to stop
limiting their prospects to the top 10 guys in yeshiva and then no one would
ever strive to become one of them. The yeshivas will crumble. Men might have to
actually make something out of themselves. Girls might have to broaden their
horizons for someone that might not be exactly like their Rebbetzins told them,
the books they read, the shows they watched, chas v’shalom , might have
presented to them. The Orthodox world as we know it might just crumble and
disintegrate. This is bad… Perhaps
Solution: The Megilla tells us that
Achashveirosh was having a hard time committing to get married as well. He was
dating for a very long time. The kingdom needed a queen. The solution that
Esther figured out and is teaching us for all times in how to get men
interested enough to marry you. Don’t tell them where you are from. See Yeshiva
guys always like to play the traditional Jewish Geography game. “Oh you’re from
18th avenue? You know Berel Greenbergenstien?” “Oh you went
to Mesoras Shmeichel? What year? Oh do you know my sisters friend Shaindy
Rosenstarkenfeld” or “Oh you were
raised in Detroit? I think my car was from there?” and of course the classic “Wow your’re
from Los Angeles so do you know Rechnitz… I like his songs.. I once saw him
crossing the street… he’s pretty tall….” Once they have won and identified
you they have lost interest. They have conquered. No need to get married. The
Megilla tells us the secret is that our girls should never say where they come
from. They shouldn’t say what schools they went to, were their parents were
from. Nothing. Yeshiva guys like mystery. Wait until you have the ring on your
finger until you make them a feast and tell them. But then don’t make them
another one. They’ll give you half the kingdom. You will be good to go. Mazel
Tov!
Crisis 8) The disappearing woman. It seems
that it is becoming more and more rampant for women’s pictures to be left out
of magazines, publications, advertisements, Newspapers, periodicals, the Jewish
Press and Ani Magazine which doesn’t really fit into any of the above
categories. This is crazy. How will be people know what women look like
anymore? What will I do if I need to know where I left my car keys and I don’t
know what a woman looks like to ask her. Who will I ask where I should put my
laundry? Will I have to have a man make my chulent? Clean my windows? They are
even not putting pictures of little girls in things anymore. My wife sells
clothing for a living. Girls buy a lot more than boys who pretty much wear
their clothing until it dissolves on their bodies. I have even seen invitations
to weddings or yeshiva dinners that don’t mention the wives of the parents of
the groom or bride or of the honorees. Does that mean that there is not ladies
section?! All the good food is on the ladies section. This is a terrible
terrible crisis that is getting bigger each day.
The Megilla Solution: If you noticed in
the palace of Achashveirosh after his wife Vashti was hung out to dry, there
was also a shortage of women. All of the women in fact went in hiding. Esther
became the symbol of all Jewish women her name in fact meaning hidden. She was
called that because when she was brought to the King she scorned all of the
perfume and makeup that was offered here. In fact she pixilated her own face.
So who took care of all of the important things when there was no one there?
The Megilla reveals to us the secret. It was eunuchs – serisim; men that
were dressed up and were turned into women. The Megilla is packed with these
guys/gals. They knew makeup, the cleaned, they could even pose for ads in newspapers
and magazines. These guys/gals are the solution. We can use eunuchs in all of
our orthodox advertising and even the most chareidi of publication won’t have a
problem with it.
7) The tuition crisis- There was once a
time in Klal Yisrael when parents were able to make ends meet. There was
a slogan that said every kid deserves a Jewish education. It was affordable. Parents
could send their kids to school and it didn’t make such a dent in their budget.
People could still afford to buy shoes for their children, have meat in their
chulent, even come to Israel and take a tour guide on their trip of a life
time. OK so the education may not have been the greatest. Sure the Rebbeim and
teachers would beat the children regularly in between their cigarette breaks.
Physical education was running around a gravel field, we used old textbooks and
lunches were peanut butter sandwiches our mother made us. But it worked. We
survived. Today it is impossible. Even the wealthiest Doctor, Lawyer, Real
Estate Mogul or Ponzi Scam Magnate has to lie on their scholarship forms like
the regular baal habos and Kollel guy has been doing for years. This is
not good. Lying should be kept for things that are sacred like how you don’t
have a smartphone, or how you certainly have a filter on your computer that you
would never subvert, you never would watch any TV, movies or even Youtube
videos and of course you cover your hair with a short sheitel only even
when you take a shower. Jews should never be forced to lie about how much money
we make just in order to be able to continue sending our kids to schools and
getting those scholarships so we can still go to our Pesach hotels, send our
kids to the best camps and make weddings and simchas that will be the
talk of the town. The tuition crisis is really bad.
Solution: There aren’t many children in
the Megilla. So one really has to drink to find the solution to this problem. I
have so it’s alright. See in the beginning of the story we are taught that all
of the young maidens being brought to the King. Where they were schooled in the
art of makeup and beauty for one year. 6 months in oil and myrrh and 6 months
in perfume and cosmetics. So their entire education was one year and there you
have it. All four major subjects that were necessary in life to teach them back
then were able to be taught in one year. Just three months a subject if you do
the math. So we can certainly do that today. We can drop meaningless subjects
that just waste time and money like Phys Ed, Science, Social studies and
History. Maybe just do Torah studies, English to fill out all of our Government
Aid applications, Math to know how much we are entitled to and maybe a bit of home economics for the
women with optional extra classes in perfume, cosmetics and sheitel
cutting. Imagine how little Tuition would be if we just started the Megilla
method. See the secrets that you can find.
Crisis number 6) we are halfway through
this wayyyy tooo loonnng E-Mail and you are still with me. This means you have
a lot of time on your hands or you are a true askan-community activist
that really wants to get rid of the problems in our community. Which really
brings us to the next problem. See the next generation is not motivated to get
involved in the community. They are much more self-centered. They take selfies
to prove that point. Who will be the next generations of leaders? Who will make
the conventions on thanksgiving that people need to get away from their
families to go to. Who will arrange trips to visit concentrations camps in
Europe and support the local Polish and Ukrainian economy that had nothing to
do with the Shoah? In fact when the Amalekite Nazis said they were committing a
Holocaust, the Poles thought they said AppleCrust and thought they were
rounding up Jews for a pie making festival. Who will head all of those
organizations that promise to rip great Rabbis away from their Talmud study
that holds up the world in order to pray for you by a grave somewhere for 40
days so that you will have all types of salvations if you just donate $18
TODAY! And if there are no organizations then who will put ads in the
magazines. And then there will be nothing left to read on Shabbos in the
bathroom. This is getting worse and worse. What can be done?
Solution: This one is really quite
explicit in the Megilla. See Mordechai saved the kings life. He had potential
for greatness and for leadership but it was just not being realized. This bothered
the King immensely. He lost sleep over it. Finally his great adviser comes up
with the perfect plan. If you want Mordechai or anyone for that matter to be a
leader or askan. Put him in the Kings Clothing and drive him around the
streets all day and call in front of him. This is what will happen to the man
whom the King wants to honor. Do that and voila he’s an askan. Now we
don’t have a King or his clothes to put on him. Although we can fit quite a few
askanim into one King-like figure’s clothing that I know from Los
Angeles. He even has a twin so you could fit double in there. But the truth is
we have enough frum Jews in the White House we could probably just ask
Jared if he can borrow the shverrer’s (Father in Law) car for the day
and give a few of our future leaders a ride around town. It would be even
better if you could get Obama to chauffer them or Hillary. Trust me one ride
like that we will have no problem finding tomorrow’s leaders.
Crisis number 5) The internet,
smartphones, facebook, whatsapp, Instagram, snapchat and all associated evil
technological “advances”. This is as bad as it gets. The entire world have
become slaves to technology. We are constantly on, constantly connected, always
distracted, always checking our phones, our messages, our posts and our blogs.
The Jewish nation was chosen to be a light to the world. We were mean to show
the way. And yet we as well have become mired into the dark evil clutches of
the web…. We have made asifa conventions decrying these things we have
ordered our congregants to use filters, if not they will be thrown out of our
shuls, our schools, our Kiddush clubs and our religion. Yet it has not worked.
Great Rabbis have beseeched heaven for this plague to stop and it hasn’t. We
have even tried making all of these Kosher alternatives where you can like wait
a half hour to download something once a month from a website that has been
dipped in a Mikva three times while four rabbis are watching you from there
house as you surf and amazingly that has not appealed to the masses. So what
can we do? We are losing our humanity to these little bits of plastic and
wires.
Solution: I know this might be a bit hard
to swallow. But as Donald Trump, that wise leader of the Unitweet Stweets of
America tweeted about the Middle East, it’s time for a radically new approach
and we have to stop doing the same thing and hoping for same results. See by
Purim the Jews had lost their Temple. They had sinned. They lost faith. Rabbis,
prophets even Mordechai yells at them to repent and they don’t. Just like the
internet. So what did the Jews do they kept sinning. This in fact actually led
to the feast of Achashverosh where we really just kept on doing the bad things
we were doing beforehand and you know what happened? Hashem had Vashti killed.
Esther became Queen and miraculously we were saved. That’s right. The message
of course is that Hashem is with us even when we are sinning. Even if we keep
on surfing the net or playing with our phones. We are never too far from
Hashem’s salvation. So just don’t worry about it so much. Hashem has our back
anyways. Yeah sure Hashem had to scare us a bit with a genocide, and ultimately
we got rid of everything we shouldn’t have had. But that’s really Him showing
us that He cares about us. So the main solution is really just to relax a bit
about the whole issue and just let our Loving Virtual Father take care of the
problem. He’s really good at that.
Numbah 4) Fake news- we are told that
before Machiach comes falsehood will be rampant. Welcome to the era of
pre-Mashiach. There is really nothing that you can believe anymore in the
world. If the News tells you one thing the chances are the opposite is probably
true. There was an old joke that the Chasidim had. They always followed the
ruling of the Baal Hatanaya when it comes to halachic matters. The question
though was what to do when there was no clear ruling in the Baal Hatanaya’s
Shulchan Aruch Harav of what to do. The answer they were given was to look at
the Chayei Adam (the leader of their antagonists, the mitnagdim) and do the
opposite. Same with the News. How is one supposed to know how to separate fact
from fiction anymore? People call me and message me all day about how the
situation in Israel is? Do I carry a gun? Isn’t it dangerous? It’s as if the US
media is reporting that there is World War III going on here. The only real
danger here is the Prime Minister or a member of Knesset pickpocketing you
because they took away all of their bribe money. Or the Supreme Court coming
and demolishing your house because some Arab claimed that his great grandfather
thought about living there once and even grazed a sheep there. But if you
listen to the News one doesn’t know what to think. This is a problem, because
if you can’t trust the News than how do you know what to do, who to vote for,
whether to come to Israel, who really is working for the Russians and most
importantly which Pesach Hotel I should go to this year?
Solution: This is really easy. See the
whole story of the Megilla and in fact the miracle of Purim is based on the
notion of fake news. See originally the order went out that the King decreed
that everyone in all 127 countries that he was ruler over should kill all the
Jews. See but nobody did. They knew you couldn’t trust the News. “Fake News”
they said. A little while later word went out and sure enough now the new line
was that the Jews could kill the goyim. So really it was a result of fake news
that we were all saved. So don’t worry so much about the news. Just do what the
do here in Israel. Keep on doing what you are doing. Pretend that no one is
corrupt, that the supreme court is justice, that Trump is really presidential,
that the Arabs don’t really want to kill us and that Rabbi Schwartz is really
funny and let Hashem take care of the rest.
Issue number 3) Protestors in Jerusalem.
This is a major problem. This has messed up my life and many Israelis lives as
well. There are the Disabled people protesting for more benefits, there are the
anti- Bibi people protesting trying to get him arrested, there are the anti-
Trump liberals that are even protesting seemingly not realizing they are in the
wrong country. As well we have Ethiopians and other disenfranchised people, you
have the guys laid off from Teva marching and of course the worst of the worst
are the yeshiva guys that are protesting the governments draconian decrees that
they may have to sign a paper to defer them from serving in the army and that
of course would be bitul torah- a waste of precious Torah study time,
unlike yelling and screaming in the streets at soldiers and messing up traffic
for me. This is a crisis because I have important places to go. Now the
government has tried to stop these demonstrations by spraying skunk spray. What
they don’t realize is that the spray make them smell better than they do before
hand. In fact many of them come just for the spray, it saves them water for
showers later. So what can be done is the pressing question of the day.
Solution: Unfortunately difficult
challenges lead for tough decisions and choices. This is a problem and the
Megilla is quite clear that when there is a difficult situation and unrest an
example has to be made. See Esther and Mordechai realized that the angry mobs
might just continue to ignore Achashverosh’s order to not kill the Jews and
instead to kill the Amalekites and the Jewish enemies. Demonstrators have a
tendency to ignore reason. There was really only solution. They hung the sons
of Haman the ringleaders in the town square. This served as a graphic reminder
of what happens if you stop traffic and don’t follow the rules. I am generally
opposed to the Death Penalty but in extenuating circumstances I realize there
really is not much choice but to take at least ten of the ringleaders and hang
them up. Conveniently there is a bridge when one comes into Jerusalem known as
the String Bridge which really would be quite ideal for this Megilla solution
to the Protestor problem.
And the 2nd to last issue that
really is not that much of a Jewish issue, but rather a more universal issue
and that certainly has gotten the most coverage is the #MeToo campaign of women
being abused and harassed. This is not really a Jewish issue because as
everyone know Jewish women are tough and their wives really do not let them
abuse them. As I tell everyone I am the Baal HaBoss- She is the boss. Our
Jewish Mothers taught us better than that.
We learned that important profound lesson taught by one of the greatest
Rabbis Rashti and passed down through the generations. “If Momma ain’t happy
no one’s happy!”. There isn’t even a #MeToo for Jewish men that are abused
or harassed by their wives, because our wives told us we were not allowed to
join that group. I’m talking about other women, Aliza, don’t worry… You are the
best honey… whewwww…. But it seems that in the Gentile world this is a problem.
It is our job to help them as I said. The Megilla of course speaks to them as
well.
Solution: Really very simple. I know that
I may lose my Rabbinic license over this. But really it’s quite simple and
spelled out. The Non Jewish abusive men should all marry Jewish women. That’s
what happened to Achashverosh. See he was this really terrible husband,
extremely abusive. Vashti in fact was the head of the #MeToo she even had her
name changed to #VashToo. So Hashem fixed his wagon. He gave him a Jewish wife.
Esther. In no time she whipped him into shape. He thought he could get away
with half the kingdom. Ha! She took his whole kit and caboodle. Yeah that ten
thousand silver shekalim that he thought he had scrolled away under the
table from Haman to sell out the Jews. Yeah that went to build her a brand new
temple in Jerusalem ultimately. Now I know that Jews and non-Jews are not
allowed to marry, but what can I tell you. It’s Purim and that’s what the book
says.
Last but not least perhaps the greatest
crisis facing the Jewish world is the one that most of our people, certainly
excluding those that read this weekly E-Mail, are not even aware of. Yes the
biggest crisis that we suffer from is the fact that we really don’t realize
that Mashiach is not here yet and that we are still in Exile. What do you mean?
Of course we know that. We daven three times a day for the redemption, we mourn
on Tisha B’Av. Yeah right…. Admit it you feel pretty comfortable with your
Judaism. You learn Torah, you give charity, you observe commandments, you eat
Kosher. Those of us living in Israel even feel more fulfilled in our yiddishkeit. We are actually doing the commandments in the
right place. The country Hashem told us to live in, to shine out from. The
place our ancestors longed to live in. Yeah a temple would be nice, but we’re
doing pretty good right? That my friend is a crisis. Because if we can’t
appreciate how fake, how artificial, how incomplete our lives are without the
Beit HaMikdash, without Hashem’s presence in this world. Without all of the
Jewish people living together where we are meant to. Without each and every one
of us connected. Then we really have a problem. How we can hope and pray for a
better tomorrow if we think we have it already today.
Solution: For this the Megilla tells us
the most incredible solution. After all it is holiday that is established while
in a foreign country; The holiday of exile. The solution is to celebrate Purim
give charity to people you would never give to (ahem ahem…) give food baskets
to friends of yours and make new friends in the process, read the story of
Purim, of our exile. How Hashem is just waiting to save us even if we can’t see
it. And then throw a huge feast and drink and drink and drink. Drink because
you can’t really celebrate with real joy because we don’t have that ultimate
redemption. Yet. So fake it. Because that’s the best we can do while Mashiach is
not here. We’ll probably feel sick tomorrow morning. But that’s good. Because then
we will long for the real redemption. The real happiness when Hashem returns to
His Home. To the time when we all return to Him right here in his, in our
country. The redemption came right after the story of Purim and its miraculous
conclusion. May Hashem as well solve all of our crisis, see us through all our
challenges and return our Home back to us as well forever this time with the
joy of eternity.
Have an ecstatically exuberant Purim,
CRabbi Ephraim Schwartz
Vnahapoch Hu
This week’s Email has been
sponsored by so many of you I can’t even mention all the names. Your outpouring
of appreciation, your kind letters and notes, your precious dedications that
you made to all of your relatives and friends were beautiful and heartwarming.
But particularly notable was the thousands and thousands of dollars that you
guys all sent. It was as if you knew the particular dire straits the synagogue
and our programs here needed your assistance. It was if this was like some type
of mystical buildup that brought out this response- almost as if you had a
Rabbi reminding, imploring verbally gesticulating before you each week and poof,
you finally got the message. It was like you finally realized how much your
great Rabbi undergoes to provide you with this weekly inspiration. How you
understood the hours of research on Youtube for funny movies, Googling jokes, delving
the secrets of the Zohar for Kabbalistic insights and even look at the haftorah
for the first time in my life. All this after a full day of touring all over
the country. What dedication I have, knowing that I would much rather be
preparing Shabbos, cleaning our house and taking care of my children.
I wanted to really thank you.
It was like a Purim miracle to see that incredible outpouring. I may go to the
Western Wall or Uman and pray for you for forty days out of gratitude.
Or not…. Ah well wishful thinking, maybe I
will write this one week… maybe next week.
Link to sponsor is below… make a Rabbi
happy
**********************************************
RABBI SCHWARTZ’S FAVORITE ALMOST YIDDISH
PROVERB OF THE WEEK
“Vine is Fein, Likker is Kvikker.”- Figure it out yourself…
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S POOR GLIDE EX-HAM QVETSHTION OF THE WEAK
answer below at end of Email
Q: What makes Rabbi Schwartz the Best Tour
guide in Israel?
A. His extensive knowledge of all
of the best Mehadrin Restaraunts in Israel
B. The fact that upon looking at him
for the first time you are relieved to know that you will never have to go on
too hard or strenuous of a hike
C. His Rabbinic knowledge that allows
you to delude yourself into thinking that anything he tells you must be
permitted and true.
D. His uncanny ability to change the
subject and make a joke every time you ask him a question he doesn’t know
particular about botany and avocado trees.
E. His free disc and awesome music
selection he plays in the car and bus
RABBI SCHWARTZ COOL VIDEOS OF THE
WEEK
https://youtu.be/oUh2JPBs91g - A
Shushanian Raphsody pretty good!
https://youtu.be/Rc4FxDZLgqg
- Donald Trump’s retells the Purim Story Awesome!
https://youtu.be/fH5viOkh_kg
- Purim in text messages really cute
https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/techelet-mordechai
- Cause not enough of you clicked on this last week- and
you really need to!!!! It will make your Purim even more amazing guaranteed!
My latest fun composition Techelet Mordechai- the Next
big Jewish Purim hit!!!
https://youtu.be/SuyprtLP70E – Last Years Purim Seuda and the
debut of Rabbi Schwartzes New song with a slightly inebriated Rabbi and Yonah
and Tzvibel on the vocals!
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S UN-HAFTORA
OF THE WEEK
So the Haftorah is traditionally the part of
the Torah reading when one is meant to doze off. It is time to catch up on your
sleep, to read the flyers that people leave on the tables, and for the braver
of you to walk out to the Kiddush club. The laws of Haftora are quite
extensive. One is meant to look at their watch a minimum of at least three
times. One can also use this time to go to the bathroom, or find out how your
favorite sports team is doing. In general the Rabbi will not bother you during
the haftora if you exchange a few words with your neighbor. He is too busy
preparing his drasha/ sermon. Traditionally as well following this theme the
haftorah part of this weekly E-Mail is the least read one, except by my mother,
who reads this first. Of course therefore leaving me no choice but to write it
when I would rather be out in the Kiddush club myself. But see, she sponsors a
lot of my E-Mails, so I don’t feel too bad writing it for her. As I wouldn’t for
you as well if you ever decided to sponsor an E-Mail instead of just free-Torah- loading off me each week.
Whadaya think it grows on trees or something. Sorry… Anyways the haftorah for Purim
is really interesting. Read it yourself this week. I’m going to Kiddush
instead.
Eliyahu
HaNavi (lived forever) He is like the prophet of Purim. Why,
you say? I thought Eliyahu was Pesach. Well whadya know our sages tell us that
he was in fact Charvona the servant who told Achashveirosh that Haman made a
gallows for Mordechai. Truth is with all that wine he drinks on Pesacha and at
Brit Mila, Purim is just a natural segue for him. Anyways the only reaon I am
including him is so you can click on the world famous fan- favorite Rabbi
Schwartz Eliyahu Hanavi song. Click here now and play all Purim long
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S EAR-A’S
AND THEIR PLAYTZES AND PEEPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK
Rabbi Schwartz, his family and Karmiel (2010 CE-Present)-
Perhaps one of the most famous and interesting figures in the modern history of
Israel tourists to Israel regularly hear about the life and times of Rabbi Schwartz
and his exciting family. One might think that this great person and his
remarkable family would only be discussed on a tour to the north of Israel as
you pass the city of Karmiel that Rabbi Schwartz really put on the map. But
yet, really excellent tour guides to this country know that Rabbi Schwartz and
his family are a fun topic to discuss anytime and anywhere you are in Israel.
You can spend hours discussing his life in Jewish outreach across the United
States, fun stories about his children and how they adapted, how they made
Aliyah and how they lived in the shadow of such a great hero for so many years
and werenot even aware of the incredible merit this was for them. The Schwartz
family is also a fascinating subject to get into anytime you have a question
about anything in Israel that you really don’t know the answer to. Like
“Hey how old is that building over there? What biblical
story took place there? What region of the country are we in? Why are you
driving us into an Arab village?”
Questions like that are absolutely the most appropriate time
to get into a discussion about the customs and people that pray in Rabbi
Schwartzes shul, or his daughter Shani’s dating habits or his wife’s clothing
store. Yes Israel is a fascinating and inspirational country, but since Rabbi Schwartz
has moved here it has only gotten better.
RABBI
SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE PURIM JOKES OF THE WEEK
Why is
Purim in America one day while a regular holiday has two days when at the same
time in Israel Purim is two days and every other holiday is only one day? The
answer is because when Hashem was giving the Torah he came down to America and asked
them if they would accept it. They asked what does it say in it. Hashe, told
them Yom Tov- the holiday. When they asked what does that mean. Hashem
explained that it was a day of eating and drinking. The Americans said we will take
two days, On the other hand when He asked them if they wanted Purim and they
asked Him what it was about, He told them it was a day of distibuiting charity.
They said one day would be fine.
On
the other hand when God came to Israel and offered them Yom Tov and told them
that it was a day of eating and drinking, they felt it was too expensive and
only took one day. However when they asked Him about Purim He told them that it
was a day for collecting money. The Israelis said “we’ll take two!”. And there
you have it.
Where
is there a hint to Obama in the Megilla? Orur HAman
BAruch Mordechai0 the first letters of Cursed Haman
and Blessed is Mordechai spell out Obama.
But
how do you know that in the Megilla they spoke English- Haman says “Yes(h)No
Am Echad”- Yes and No
Where
is there a hint to Donald Trump in the Megilla- Well Achashverosh we are told
was a foolish king and seems to have a lot in common. The Megilla tells us in
the fourth verse he invited the PaRTUmiM to his party he also hosts a reality Show, and
marries models only. Both of them have Jewish grandchildren and they both
institute tax reforms at the end of the Book. Incidentally both of them ultimately
are the cause for Jerusalem to be recognized
So
Nissim walks into shul on Purim a bit tipsy and sees his friend Itzik leading
the davening. All of a sudden Itzik bangs on the pulpit. Al Hanissim.
Nissim responds- Ahlan Itzik (Ahalan is the traditional slang Israel
hello, from the Arabic)
What
is the most important Non- Jewish holiday? Purim. Because if Haman would have
been successful and killed all the Jews, we might not have had a holiday, but
they would never of have had a God…
How
do you know that Achashveirosh was not a chasid but rather a Mitnagid?
It says “In the third year of his Kingdom Achashverosh made a feast”
Only a Mitnaged waits three years before making a Kiddush after becoming
King.
How
do you know that Achashverosh was a chasid and not a mitnagid. Because it says
he was a King “Me’hodu V’Ad…”. He
was a king from Hodu and that is clearly nusach Sefard as Ashkenaz begins with
Baruch She’amar.
Why
does the Megilla start with Achashverosh and not with the Jews? To teach you
that you don’t start up with the Jews!
And
Last but not least when it says the words HaMelech- the King, in the Megilla we
know that is a reference to Hashem. So when the King gives the command that
each man should rule in his own home over his wives, that is a mitzva. Thus on
th final judgement day Hashem looks over the millions and millions of people
and says to them, "Welcome to Heaven. I want the women to go with angel
that way. Go now and follow him. And you men, I want you to form two lines. The
first line, to the left of me, is for men who fulfilled the mitzva and
dominated their women on earth. The second line, to the right of me, is for men
who were dominated by their women." OK, now line up.
There was then much movement for some length of time, but eventually the women are gone and there are two lines of men. The line of the men that were dominated by their women is 150 miles long. The line of men that dominated women has only one man.
Hashem gets very angry and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and yet you were all dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"
He turns to the man and says, "Tell them, my son. How did you manage to be the only one on that line?"
The man says, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here…."
There was then much movement for some length of time, but eventually the women are gone and there are two lines of men. The line of the men that were dominated by their women is 150 miles long. The line of men that dominated women has only one man.
Hashem gets very angry and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and yet you were all dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"
He turns to the man and says, "Tell them, my son. How did you manage to be the only one on that line?"
The man says, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here…."
************
Answer is none of the above – See this was a trick question none of the other answers are
correct. The real reason Rabbi Schwartz is the best Tour guide in Israel is because
he is in fact the only tour guide in Israel. See there are other people that
are impersonating as tour guides. They may even have these red badges that look
like licenses. Don’t’ be fooled. They are forgeries. They are not really tour
guides. They might be able to tell you things about Israel but I would not
believe them for a second. There really is only one person in this country that
is authorized to be a tour guide and that is Rabbi Schwartz. So the next time
you are in Israel. Don’t settle for anything else. May the Schwartz be with
you.
