Insights and
Inspiration
from the
Holy Land
from
Rabbi Ephraim
Schwartz
"Your
friend in Karmiel"
October 29th
2021 -Volume 11 Issue 5 23rd Cheshvan 5782
Parshat Chayei Sarah
A Marriage Letter
He was a good friend of mine back in our single days in Lakewood
Yeshiva. Eli and I had a lot in common. We were both "out of towners",
enjoyed food, a good laugh and had pretty large personalities that matched our
waistlines. After our mandatory 3-month freezer period in which a new bachur to
the yeshiva is not allowed to begin dating to get married had concluded, we were
both anxious to find our bashert and begin the next stage in our lives. It was
time.
I'll never forget that evening that Eli came home from a first date
with a girl that he had gone out with and he had this glowing look on his face.
After a few months and quite a few girls that he had met that had led nowhere, I
could tell that this time something different was going on. When I asked him what
the scoop was, he told me with this bewildered look on his face.
"I don't know, Ephraim. This girl is not like all of the
other girls I had met before. Y'know how most of the girls that we're meeting
seem pretty subtle, pretty agreeable? It's the same old-same old conversation
again and again. Where she went to school…, how much she liked her teachers…
her classes, her friends, her family. Almost all of the girls just seem to be repeating and
echoing the same hashkafos and values that feels like they were indoctrinated
with. It's as if I've been dating and its just the same recording I'm listening
to on repeat-mode.
Well, this girl tonight, Mindy was different. From pretty much the
moment that we got into the car we seemed to be arguing and debating about
everything. Where to go, what she thought about things, how the dating process
should work. It was weird. To be honest, it was kind of intense but it felt very
cool and real. It was like being in the Bais Midrash almost and arguing over a
piece of Talmud with a chavrusa. To be honest, I kind of dug it. (yes
that's a phrase we old timers still use). In fact it was awesome and stimulating.
She's definitely not your typical Bais Yaakov girl."
And so it continued date after date with Mindy. Every date it
seemed they were fighting and arguing more and more and each time he would be
more enthralled with her spirit and her "refreshing" –his word- combative
nature. When they got engaged a few
weeks after they started seeing one another- which is pretty common in our
circles, I wasn't surprised at all. Eli had been in La La Land since see he had
started seeing her. I had heard all of the details of all of their heated
conversations. He kept boasting about how he couldn't just marry these little
"lemmeleh" typical girls out of Seminary. He needed someone with
personality; with a mind of her own. Somebody that didn't just accept
everything that was taught or told to her, but rather was well-thought out and
took everything apart and would stand up for her own beliefs. Mindy was the girl
for him.
It was about a year after their wedding that I bumped into Eli.
They had moved out of Lakewood and we met one day in the Supermarket. "Nuuu…?"
I asked him. How's married life? Eli looked at me and gave me a bit of a tightened
smile.
"Thank God, everything's going great, Mindy's fine. She's
expecting in fact any day. But you know…" he continued. "I was
thinking maybe you could help me out with something. I was trying to remember
but for the life of me, it's not coming back to me. What exactly was I
thinking? Why did I want someone that would argue with me about everything?
That had strong opinions and that wouldn't give in? What was wrong with a nice
sweet good Bais Yackov girl that would just smile and say yes all the time. I
know there was some logic there. We had all of these discussions. Maybe you can
refresh my memory..."
I don't think I was successful in conveying any rationale to him at
the time, but Baruch Hashem they're still happily married.
I think back to that conversation often, particularly as my
children enter the shidduch parsha. (PS Rivka has officially entered, so
any suggestions for amazing boys… that might want to support their father-in-law
in Kollel for a few years feel free to contact me...:)) How do you know if this
is the right one? Who the right one is? There are so many people out there, so
many girls, so many boys. So many singles. How do I know which one is the
bashert or who they should date?
I can tell you that generally speaking the "shidduch
resume" is not going to be a big help. Even if they have those modeled pictures
that some people demand to accompany them. As if that's the way she's going to
look when you woke up the next morning for the rest of your life. It won't be
from the references that are given and generally it won't even be the ones you
dug up from your cousins brother's sisters chavrusa that knows him or her. I'll
tell you even a more startling secret, it won't even be what you think you're
looking for or what you think you need when you start dating the person. It
won't even be what you think you need or is right for you when you propose or
marry them. More often than not, almost everybody wakes up one morning with
that "Eli" question. What was I thinking again? Maybe you can remind
me…
I remember when I was in yeshiva one of my Rebbeim had one of the
most insightful lines that I would share with many of the young men that I counseled
while they were dating, who had doubts whether she was "the one" or
not. My Rebbi would discuss their dilemmas with them, the pluses and the
minuses and then he would pose his question to them. If a letter came down from
heaven addressed to you, he would ask. And that letter was from Hashem and it
stated that forty days before you were born this girl was destined for you. She
was the other half of your neshoma; your bashert. Do you think if you received that
letter right now, that you could make it work; that you could be happy together
with her? Inevitably, after a short
pause or so the boy would respond that of course if he received such a letter that
he would have no problem saying yes and proposing and marrying her. She was his
Bashert after-all, of course he would be happy with her. My Rebbi would then
turn to him and say
"So what….? Are you waiting for a letter? If you could make
it work then make it work. A letter isn't coming, but what do you need one for?
You already said that you could make it work and be happy. Why would you then
need a letter?"
And there you have it. A happy and successful marriage isn't as
much about the person who you marry. It's about understanding that we have to work-to
make it work. In fact, the more work that it takes and the more work that one
puts into it, the better and better the marriage is and will be. That being the
case, fascinatingly enough, the bashert that we are seeking and the criterion that
we should be looking for are generally quite the opposite of what we think we
need. Meaning, most people look for people in which they have as much in common
as possible. Similar families, similar outlooks, values, tastes, experiences
and even personalities. If we have all of those things, we figure it will be
smooth sailing. After all we're so similar. We have so much in common. We want
and like same the things. Our families are so alike. What could there be to fight
about? The problem with that, theoretically of course, is that the function of
marriage is quite the opposite. It's to have someone different than you and
through the working out of the differences, love and marriage are made. If
there's no work, then you're doing it wrong.
Now I said that it's only theoretical- of course, because despite
our best efforts to find someone as similar to as us possible, Hashem, who is
the ultimate Shadchan, is making sure that we get the person who has just the
right amount of differences from us and that will be the challenge to us to
work on ourselves until we became one and really achieve shalom. If we
understand this we can really understand, perhaps for the first time, the
incredible challenge Eliezer the servant of Avraham had in finding the right shidduch
for Yitzchak Avinu in the story of this week's parsha of the first Jewish
match.
I'm sure y'all know the famous story how Eliezer was sent on this
mission to find a wife for Yitzchak. Now it would seem at first glance that
this would be the easiest job for a shadchan. Here you have a great tzadik
of a boy, from a super family, who also is not only coming from money but is in
fact independently wealthy, as his father Avraham had already written him over
all of his wealth. There's no competition for inheritance as Yishmael is already
out of the picture. It should be easy to find a match for him. He was probably
being inundated by shidduch resumes and lists as soon as he entered the market.
(I can't imagine he would be worse than half the guys that get off the plane
from their year in Israel who barely know how to talk a straight sentence in English
or tuck in their shirt and yet supposedly have lists and lists waiting for them.)
Yet Eliezer is nervous and he prays tearfully to Hashem to help him in what he
describes to be a momentous task. He prays for kindness and grace from Hashem
that he be successful and have siyata d'shmaya. What's he so nervous
about?
Even more perplexing is that he comes up with what should seem like
a preposterous test. Who ever heard of feeding a herd of camels? That's a heck of
a lot of trips back and forth to the trough. Imagine if someone had an
expectation on his date that his prospective spouse be someone who randomly
meets someone on the street and automatically offers to feed a busload full of
hungry yeshiva guys on the spot. Well, camels eat and drink a lot more than
yeshiva guys. Someone would need to talk to that boy and tell him to calm down
a bit and lower their expectations. Yet Eliezer sets the bar outrageously high.
Why?
The answer I had always assumed to these questions was that since
kindness and hospitality the centerpiece of Avraham's family and values, Eliezer
wanted to make sure that she would fit into the family and be ready for the
task at hand. The Chasam Sofer though takes almost the opposite approach. It
wasn't because of the incredible chesed of Avraham that Rivka needed to
have that attribute in its highest form, but rather it was the opposite. It was
because Yitzchak was the paradigm of the middas Ha'gevura- of strength
and Din- harsh judgement that he knew that he needed to find someone that was
the mirror opposite to balance him and that would be over-the-top in Chesed to
counter him and challenge him.
See, whereas Avraham exemplified chesed, Yitzchak, was the perfect
sacrifice to Hashem. Yitzchak accepted Hashem's judgment that he should be
offered as a sacrifice without flinching. It will be Yitzchak in next week's
parsha that wants to give the blessings to Esau, and according to the Tiferes
Shlomo or Radomsk this was because with his harsh pure din, he didn't
feel that Yaakov the Torah scholar should require any of the material blessings
of this world. It would distract him from his spiritual role. Someone this
intense, this pure and this strong would require someone at the entire opposite
extreme to be able to counter that force and nature and to reign it in. That's
not an easy task to find. That requires a lot of prayer and a test that would
take super-human kindness. That was what made the first Jewish marriage in the
Torah. Two opposites in every single way that become unified when they each undertake
to work together to build that perfect home. And so it needs to be in every healthy
Jewish marriage since then.
We live in a world today where we hear a lot about the 'shidduch
crisis'. Far be it for me to tackle that parsha with all it's different
nuances, prognosis and solutions. It's above my paygrade. In recent years tragically
as well the divorce rate has soared and is growing. Shalom bayis
problems and issues are greater and greater. Each story, each marriage, has its
own scenarios and it would be foolish of me to gloss over or try to stereotype
any of them. But one thing that I think is clear for even those of us that
manage to remain married-even happily- is that despite all of the chasan and
kallah schmoozes we may have received, and no matter how well we thought we
knew our spouses before we got married or even ourselves- real life doesn't
start until we have that first clash and realize how different we are and how much
work we need to do and how much we have to change. It's all about the work. And
at that point already we don't need a letter from Hashem to tell us to do that
work.
It has always been my opinion that the average yeshiva guy and
average bais Yaakov should be able to get married to one another easily.
After-all we're all pretty much the same. We share values, beliefs, lifestyles
and frankly most men and women are easily attracted to one another, certainly
when we're all made up for a date. If a Buddhist from India can manage to marry
some Muslim from New Zealand, or a Catholic from Oklahoma can marry an African
American Muslim from the Bronx marry and make it work, than why shouldn't two
children of Torahdikeh families. So what then do Chazal mean when they say that
Hashem busy with all day making shidduchim? It should be an easy job.
The answer the Chasam Sofer
says is He is busy finding the person with the right amount of opposite characteristics
that will challenge in what we need to do in life, to break our natural character
traits and push us to become more balanced. We need to become more like her-
she needs to become more like me. That's the difficult job Hashem has in making
shidduchim all day. He is subverting our efforts to find the person most
like us and instead making sure we end up with the one that is the most
different who will make us grow and become who we need to become.
If we keep that letter-that we never received- from Hashem in front
of us while we are dating, while we are beginning our marriage, while we may
even be celebrating our 25th or 50th anniversary, then
our lives and marriages would be different. They would be better. They would be
worked upon. We get frustrated with that most important person in our lives
sometimes perhaps precisely for the reason why they are the most important
person in our lives. They were never our Bashert because we would always agree
or see things the same way. Rather it's because I needed to learn how to be the
other way…more like her… more like him… together. As one. It is by Yitzchak and
Rivkah that first Jewish couple that the Torah for the first time uses the
expression of a husband loving a wife. May each of find our beloved, our spouse
and together build a bayis ne'eman B'Yisrael.
Have a lovely loving Shabbos,
Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz
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" Az got vil shtrofn an apikoyres git er im a frum vayb.."- When God wants to punish an unbeliever, He gives him a pious wife.
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK
answer
below at end of Email
a) Peutinger’s Table
b) Jacotin
c) Bünting
d) Wilson
https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/rivkah
– In honor of this week's Parsha
and the marriage of Rivka to Eliezer- the song I composed in honor of my sister
Rivky's wedding to Luzzy two years ago. Achoseinu Rivkah!
Eishes Chayil- Parshat Chayei Sarah- It's a song that we sing each Shabbos
after we welcome in the angels that escort us home and receive their holy
blessing before we send them off. The words of Eishes Chayil come from the book
of Mishlei written by Shlomo Ha'Melech and is probably the longest and most
known of his writings throughout all of Klal Yisrael. Yet the Midrash tells us
fascinatingly enough that the words of Eishes Chayil were in fact the eulogy
that Avraham gave for his wife Sarah upon her passing in this week's parsha.
Batach la lev Ba'ala- her husband trusted her- this is when
he asked her to say she was his sister
Darsha tzemer upishtim- she sought out the difference between
cotton and flax that refers to the difference between Yitzchak and Yishmael
Va'takam b'od layla- she arises when it is still night
this is in the house of Avimelech.
My wife asked, “Do you know her?”
“Yes, ” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t
been sober since.”
“My God!” says my wife, “Who would think that a person could go
on celebrating that long?”
And that’s when the fight started.
A wife wants a fancy Porsche for her fiftieth birthday. She drops hints to her husband:"You know we've had a really good year, heck, good decade, fiscally. For my birthday, I'm really hoping for something sleek, maybe baby blue. Something you can really step on and it'll go from 0 to 200 in like .2 seconds..."The husband nods knowingly. So for her birthday, he buys her a scale.And that's when the fight started...
My wife told me she wants to give her clothes away to starving children, I told her that if they fit them they aren't starving. That is when the fight began
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the face cream. And that’s when the fight started.
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s near perfect.” And that’s when the fight started.
A man walks into a bar,looking all bummed out, and orders a drink. After a few minutes he orders another. About thirty minutes later he orders a few more drinks. The bartenders asks," Dude you look really depressed. Is everything okay? "The man explains," My wife and I got into big fight. She says she won't speak to me for 31 days."The bartender asks," Well isn't that a good thing." The man replies," Sadly, tonight's the last night."
My Dentist friend just divorced his
wife who is a manicurist. All they did was fight tooth and nail
A married couple are having a fight. Finally the
wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases
at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope
you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable."
So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"
"Again", said the friend, "How did it end this
time?"
"Well, she ended up on her knees, practically begging"
"Really, what did she say?"
"Get out from under the bed you coward"
*********************************
Answer is B – Surprisingly I got this one right. It
was really process of elimination and a good guess. Jacotin is the most French
sounding name, so that was my knee jerk answer. Then upon thinking about it I
figured Wilson is Charles Wilson who was an archeologist in Israel in the
1800's after Napoleon. Bunting sounded German so I ruled him out. Peutinger's
Map I remembered was of the Roman empires roads, so that ruled that out also.
So I felt comfortable going with the French sounding Jacotin and I was right on
this last question of this Winter 2019 exam. That makes my final score is Schwartz 37and 13 for MOT (Ministry of
Tourism) on this exam.
They give you a choice of three groups.
A) Israelis interested in Crusader
period with 1/2 day only in Jerusalem covering at least 6 sites in three
geographical areas.
B) European hikers in the Golan,
Chermon and Eastern Galil, including a 1/2 day hike and topics covering nature,
archeology, Geology, and religions
C) Tourists in Beer Sheva, Negev,
Judean Plains, half day in each and cover topics of Archeology, agriculture,
history and produce.
But if we gave me a score solely on the
first part of the exam at 2 points a question I would have gotten a 74%
based on all of them. But the truth is you only area allowed to answer 45 of
the questions so If you detract 5 questions from the wrong side (which is fair
because I probably would've skipped the ones I didn't know and guessed wrong on
then my score is 82%! Not bad. When I did my real exam I
got an 87 so I haven't lost that much of my touch I guess.
Next week we start a new exam. They switched the style of questions in 2020 the questions now have a fill in the blank section and an associated multiple choice question together. As well there is only 33 questions from which you have to answer 30. I'm curious how I'll do on this exam. Let's see next week for the most recent Summer 2021 Exam!
