A Marriage Letter- Parshat Chayei Sarah 5782/ 2021

 

Insights and Inspiration

from the

Holy Land

from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

"Your friend in Karmiel"

October 29^th 2021 -Volume 11 Issue 5 23^rd Cheshvan 5782

Parshat Chayei Sarah

A Marriage Letter

He was a good friend of mine back in our single days in Lakewood Yeshiva. Eli and I had a lot in common. We were both "out of towners", enjoyed food, a good laugh and had pretty large personalities that matched our waistlines. After our mandatory 3-month freezer period in which a new bachur to the yeshiva is not allowed to begin dating to get married had concluded, we were both anxious to find our bashert and begin the next stage in our lives. It was time.

I'll never forget that evening that Eli came home from a first date with a girl that he had gone out with and he had this glowing look on his face. After a few months and quite a few girls that he had met that had led nowhere, I could tell that this time something different was going on. When I asked him what the scoop was, he told me with this bewildered look on his face.

"I don't know, Ephraim. This girl is not like all of the other girls I had met before. Y'know how most of the girls that we're meeting seem pretty subtle, pretty agreeable? It's the same old-same old conversation again and again. Where she went to school…, how much she liked her teachers… her classes, her friends, her family. Almost  all of the girls just seem to be repeating and echoing the same hashkafos and values that feels like they were indoctrinated with. It's as if I've been dating and its just the same recording I'm listening to on repeat-mode.

Well, this girl tonight, Mindy was different. From pretty much the moment that we got into the car we seemed to be arguing and debating about everything. Where to go, what she thought about things, how the dating process should work. It was weird. To be honest, it was kind of intense but it felt very cool and real. It was like being in the Bais Midrash almost and arguing over a piece of Talmud with a chavrusa. To be honest, I kind of dug it. (yes that's a phrase we old timers still use). In fact it was awesome and stimulating. She's definitely not your typical Bais Yaakov girl."

And so it continued date after date with Mindy. Every date it seemed they were fighting and arguing more and more and each time he would be more enthralled with her spirit and her "refreshing" –his word- combative nature.  When they got engaged a few weeks after they started seeing one another- which is pretty common in our circles, I wasn't surprised at all. Eli had been in La La Land since see he had started seeing her. I had heard all of the details of all of their heated conversations. He kept boasting about how he couldn't just marry these little "lemmeleh" typical girls out of Seminary. He needed someone with personality; with a mind of her own. Somebody that didn't just accept everything that was taught or told to her, but rather was well-thought out and took everything apart and would stand up for her own beliefs. Mindy was the girl for him.

It was about a year after their wedding that I bumped into Eli. They had moved out of Lakewood and we met one day in the Supermarket. "Nuuu…?" I asked him. How's married life? Eli looked at me and gave me a bit of a tightened smile.

"Thank God, everything's going great, Mindy's fine. She's expecting in fact any day. But you know…" he continued. "I was thinking maybe you could help me out with something. I was trying to remember but for the life of me, it's not coming back to me. What exactly was I thinking? Why did I want someone that would argue with me about everything? That had strong opinions and that wouldn't give in? What was wrong with a nice sweet good Bais Yackov girl that would just smile and say yes all the time. I know there was some logic there. We had all of these discussions. Maybe you can refresh my memory..."

I don't think I was successful in conveying any rationale to him at the time, but Baruch Hashem they're still happily married.

I think back to that conversation often, particularly as my children enter the shidduch parsha. (PS Rivka has officially entered, so any suggestions for amazing boys… that might want to support their father-in-law in Kollel for a few years feel free to contact me...:)) How do you know if this is the right one? Who the right one is? There are so many people out there, so many girls, so many boys. So many singles. How do I know which one is the bashert or who they should date?

I can tell you that generally speaking the "shidduch resume" is not going to be a big help. Even if they have those modeled pictures that some people demand to accompany them. As if that's the way she's going to look when you woke up the next morning for the rest of your life. It won't be from the references that are given and generally it won't even be the ones you dug up from your cousins brother's sisters chavrusa that knows him or her. I'll tell you even a more startling secret, it won't even be what you think you're looking for or what you think you need when you start dating the person. It won't even be what you think you need or is right for you when you propose or marry them. More often than not, almost everybody wakes up one morning with that "Eli" question. What was I thinking again? Maybe you can remind me…

I remember when I was in yeshiva one of my Rebbeim had one of the most insightful lines that I would share with many of the young men that I counseled while they were dating, who had doubts whether she was "the one" or not. My Rebbi would discuss their dilemmas with them, the pluses and the minuses and then he would pose his question to them. If a letter came down from heaven addressed to you, he would ask. And that letter was from Hashem and it stated that forty days before you were born this girl was destined for you. She was the other half of your neshoma; your bashert. Do you think if you received that letter right now, that you could make it work; that you could be happy together with her?  Inevitably, after a short pause or so the boy would respond that of course if he received such a letter that he would have no problem saying yes and proposing and marrying her. She was his Bashert after-all, of course he would be happy with her. My Rebbi would then turn to him and say

"So what….? Are you waiting for a letter? If you could make it work then make it work. A letter isn't coming, but what do you need one for? You already said that you could make it work and be happy. Why would you then need a letter?"

And there you have it. A happy and successful marriage isn't as much about the person who you marry. It's about understanding that we have to work-to make it work. In fact, the more work that it takes and the more work that one puts into it, the better and better the marriage is and will be. That being the case, fascinatingly enough, the bashert that we are seeking and the criterion that we should be looking for are generally quite the opposite of what we think we need. Meaning, most people look for people in which they have as much in common as possible. Similar families, similar outlooks, values, tastes, experiences and even personalities. If we have all of those things, we figure it will be smooth sailing. After all we're so similar. We have so much in common. We want and like same the things. Our families are so alike. What could there be to fight about? The problem with that, theoretically of course, is that the function of marriage is quite the opposite. It's to have someone different than you and through the working out of the differences, love and marriage are made. If there's no work, then you're doing it wrong.

Now I said that it's only theoretical- of course, because despite our best efforts to find someone as similar to as us possible, Hashem, who is the ultimate Shadchan, is making sure that we get the person who has just the right amount of differences from us and that will be the challenge to us to work on ourselves until we became one and really achieve shalom. If we understand this we can really understand, perhaps for the first time, the incredible challenge Eliezer the servant of Avraham had in finding the right shidduch for Yitzchak Avinu in the story of this week's parsha of the first Jewish match.

I'm sure y'all know the famous story how Eliezer was sent on this mission to find a wife for Yitzchak. Now it would seem at first glance that this would be the easiest job for a shadchan. Here you have a great tzadik of a boy, from a super family, who also is not only coming from money but is in fact independently wealthy, as his father Avraham had already written him over all of his wealth. There's no competition for inheritance as Yishmael is already out of the picture. It should be easy to find a match for him. He was probably being inundated by shidduch resumes and lists as soon as he entered the market. (I can't imagine he would be worse than half the guys that get off the plane from their year in Israel who barely know how to talk a straight sentence in English or tuck in their shirt and yet supposedly have lists and lists waiting for them.) Yet Eliezer is nervous and he prays tearfully to Hashem to help him in what he describes to be a momentous task. He prays for kindness and grace from Hashem that he be successful and have siyata d'shmaya. What's he so nervous about?

Even more perplexing is that he comes up with what should seem like a preposterous test. Who ever heard of feeding a herd of camels? That's a heck of a lot of trips back and forth to the trough. Imagine if someone had an expectation on his date that his prospective spouse be someone who randomly meets someone on the street and automatically offers to feed a busload full of hungry yeshiva guys on the spot. Well, camels eat and drink a lot more than yeshiva guys. Someone would need to talk to that boy and tell him to calm down a bit and lower their expectations. Yet Eliezer sets the bar outrageously high. Why?

The answer I had always assumed to these questions was that since kindness and hospitality the centerpiece of Avraham's family and values, Eliezer wanted to make sure that she would fit into the family and be ready for the task at hand. The Chasam Sofer though takes almost the opposite approach. It wasn't because of the incredible chesed of Avraham that Rivka needed to have that attribute in its highest form, but rather it was the opposite. It was because Yitzchak was the paradigm of the middas Ha'gevura- of strength and Din- harsh judgement that he knew that he needed to find someone that was the mirror opposite to balance him and that would be over-the-top in Chesed to counter him and challenge him.

See, whereas Avraham exemplified chesed, Yitzchak, was the perfect sacrifice to Hashem. Yitzchak accepted Hashem's judgment that he should be offered as a sacrifice without flinching. It will be Yitzchak in next week's parsha that wants to give the blessings to Esau, and according to the Tiferes Shlomo or Radomsk this was because with his harsh pure din, he didn't feel that Yaakov the Torah scholar should require any of the material blessings of this world. It would distract him from his spiritual role. Someone this intense, this pure and this strong would require someone at the entire opposite extreme to be able to counter that force and nature and to reign it in. That's not an easy task to find. That requires a lot of prayer and a test that would take super-human kindness. That was what made the first Jewish marriage in the Torah. Two opposites in every single way that become unified when they each undertake to work together to build that perfect home. And so it needs to be in every healthy Jewish marriage since then.

We live in a world today where we hear a lot about the 'shidduch crisis'. Far be it for me to tackle that parsha with all it's different nuances, prognosis and solutions. It's above my paygrade. In recent years tragically as well the divorce rate has soared and is growing. Shalom bayis problems and issues are greater and greater. Each story, each marriage, has its own scenarios and it would be foolish of me to gloss over or try to stereotype any of them. But one thing that I think is clear for even those of us that manage to remain married-even happily- is that despite all of the chasan and kallah schmoozes we may have received, and no matter how well we thought we knew our spouses before we got married or even ourselves- real life doesn't start until we have that first clash and realize how different we are and how much work we need to do and how much we have to change. It's all about the work. And at that point already we don't need a letter from Hashem to tell us to do that work.

It has always been my opinion that the average yeshiva guy and average bais Yaakov should be able to get married to one another easily. After-all we're all pretty much the same. We share values, beliefs, lifestyles and frankly most men and women are easily attracted to one another, certainly when we're all made up for a date. If a Buddhist from India can manage to marry some Muslim from New Zealand, or a Catholic from Oklahoma can marry an African American Muslim from the Bronx marry and make it work, than why shouldn't two children of Torahdikeh families. So what then do Chazal mean when they say that Hashem busy with all day making shidduchim? It should be an easy job.

 The answer the Chasam Sofer says is He is busy finding the person with the right amount of opposite characteristics that will challenge in what we need to do in life, to break our natural character traits and push us to become more balanced. We need to become more like her- she needs to become more like me. That's the difficult job Hashem has in making shidduchim all day. He is subverting our efforts to find the person most like us and instead making sure we end up with the one that is the most different who will make us grow and become who we need to become.

If we keep that letter-that we never received- from Hashem in front of us while we are dating, while we are beginning our marriage, while we may even be celebrating our 25^th or 50^th anniversary, then our lives and marriages would be different. They would be better. They would be worked upon. We get frustrated with that most important person in our lives sometimes perhaps precisely for the reason why they are the most important person in our lives. They were never our Bashert because we would always agree or see things the same way. Rather it's because I needed to learn how to be the other way…more like her… more like him… together. As one. It is by Yitzchak and Rivkah that first Jewish couple that the Torah for the first time uses the expression of a husband loving a wife. May each of find our beloved, our spouse and together build a bayis ne'eman B'Yisrael.      

Have a lovely loving Shabbos,

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

 **************

Miss my smiling mug and voice and want more subscribe to my weekly Whatsapp or Youtube video for my

FREE

My weekly 10 minute or less video short last week's Parsha

Here's last week's Video

TESTING TESTING 123

https://youtu.be/VLWR1F3MpZk  

  You can get the weekly Rabbi Schwartz video by subscribing to my Youtube page on the above link. Or alternatively by Facebook friending me

And I will add you to the Whatsapp group

***************************

 RABBI SCHWARTZ’S FAVORITE YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

 " Az got vil shtrofn an apikoyres git er im a frum vayb.."- When God wants to punish an unbeliever, He gives him a pious wife.         

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

answer below at end of Email

 50) The map drawn during Napoleon’s campaign to the Middle East:

a) Peutinger’s Table

b) Jacotin

c) Bünting

d) Wilson

 RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO  OF THE WEEK

 https://youtu.be/GX1XGmT43BI   - Mordechai Shapiro's latest song/video Abba- the man is back…

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/rivkah – In honor of this week's Parsha and the marriage of Rivka to Eliezer- the song I composed in honor of my sister Rivky's wedding to Luzzy two years ago. Achoseinu Rivkah!

 https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/avinu-malkeinu – i composed this song Avinu Malkeinu on the way home from paying a shiva call to the Kupinsky's 7 years ago this week after the murder of their son , my friend in horrific Har Nof massacre. May our Father, our King avenge his death.

 https://youtu.be/jwocwsgg5Lo– Nissim Black's new and exciting inspirational video Higher…

 RABBI SCHWARTZ'S PARSHA/SHABBOS CONNECTION OF THE WEEK

Eishes Chayil- Parshat Chayei Sarah- It's a song that we sing each Shabbos after we welcome in the angels that escort us home and receive their holy blessing before we send them off. The words of Eishes Chayil come from the book of Mishlei written by Shlomo Ha'Melech and is probably the longest and most known of his writings throughout all of Klal Yisrael. Yet the Midrash tells us fascinatingly enough that the words of Eishes Chayil were in fact the eulogy that Avraham gave for his wife Sarah upon her passing in this week's parsha.

 The Midrash points out how many of the verses allude to stories in Sarah's life.

Batach la lev Ba'ala- her husband trusted her- this is when he asked her to say she was his sister

Darsha tzemer upishtim- she sought out the difference between cotton and flax that refers to the difference between Yitzchak and Yishmael

Va'takam b'od layla- she arises when it is still night this is in the house of Avimelech.

 And it continues. It's a fascinating midrash and worth the look-up particularly this week. Interestingly enough the Nesivos Shalom points out that a few of the allusions in the Midrash really seem to have nothing to do with her, but rather with Avraham. The midrash repeatedly mentions the purchase of the field and cave of Machpela- zamima sadeh- va'tikacheyhu- she thought about the field and acquired it. Noda Ba' she'arim Ba'alah- her husband was known in the gates- when Avraham went to purchase in front of the Bnai Cheis. Why are these considered praise of Sarah?

 Even more puzzling is that much of the Midrash refers to mitzva of circumcision that Avraham underwent. Ki Kol Beysa levush Shanim- Her household possessed garments- and playing on the word Shanim as shanyim- two it says two merits Shabbos and circumcision. As well Sadin asisa- she made linen garments, again the midrash says sadin is like the word sod- secret which is the secret of Hashem that the covenant of circumcision Avraham underwent. What does this have to do with Sarah's eulogy?

 He answers that the power of Sarah is that the woman of the home is the source of all of the blessing that comes into the home. She brings in the Shabbos each week and Shabbos is the mekor ha'bracha- the source of all blessing for the coming week. It is through Shabbos which is also compared to a bride in the song we sing of Lecha Dodi, that we recharge our spiritual batteries. It is what gives us the spiritual energy and inspiration to fulfill and pursue all of the mitzvos in the coming week. The husband draws that energy of Shabbos from their wives. That special energy of Sarah's tent is what gave Avraham the strength to preform his Bris. It continued after Sarah's death even when he purchased the cave of Machpela. It was her inspiration that gave us this eternal resting place of our Patriarchs and Matriarchs. In fact the Midrash notes that when Avraham remarries Hagar/Ketura the pasuk tells us that 'Vayosef Avraham Vayikach Isha'- Avraham added and took a wife. That despite the fact that Sarah was dead physically her spirit was still living and Avraham's second wife was an addition to her spirit that still inspired him.

 Each Shabbos when we sing Eishes Chayil as we begin our holy day, we remember Sarah and the power of Shabbos to bring us bracha and inspiration for the coming week. There is no better song with which to introduce the special blessing of Shabbos that we received from the angels than recognizing that it is the source of all blessings that we have.

 RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

 Shlomo's reign begins- 837 BC- When Dovid heard from his wife Batsheva and from Noson Ha'Navi of Adoniyahu's attempted power grab to establish himself as heir apparent to Dovid together with Yoav and Evyasar the Kohen. Dovid realized that the only option to prevent this from happening and any ensuing civil war that would result, would be to immediately establish Shlomo as king. He thus ordered Noson to take Benayahu and Tzadok the Kohen and to put Shlomo on the King's mule and to ride over to the Gichon spring- which is at the bottom of the Ir Dovid- right when you come out of the great underground tunnel water hike of Chizkiyahu's tunnel. There they would anoint him with the special oil that Moshe made by Hashem's command and establish him as king.

 The Gichon spring is a natural spring that was a constant water flow that would shoot water every 15 minutes or so, like a geyser. In later years it was a few times daily in the winter and less in the summer and autumn. It doesn't do that anymore but it is the largest spring in the hills of Yehudah and it really is the secret to the survival of Yerushalayim as it was the major source of the water for the city. It produces over 600,000 cubic meters of water annually and it flows into the Shiloah pool where the ancient Oleh Regel- pilgrims to Yerushalayim would immerse themselves before going up to the Temple Mount.

 When Shlomo was anointed there at age 12 (!!) the people all gathered and they cheered, sang and danced playing flutes and blowing shofars. Long live King Shlomo was the cheer and they escorted him back to the palace of Dovid where he took his place on Dovid's throne. Word obviously made its way back to Adoniyahu who immediately and perhaps rightfully so feared for his life. He grabbed onto the corners of the Mizbayach and pleaded for his life and Shlomo mercifully pardoned him on the condition that he shouldn't try to step out of his place anymore. As we'll see soon that really didn't work out that well for him though. So thus begins the reign of Shlomo and next we will say good-bye to the Dovid Ha'Melech as we begin the next chapter in the Book of Kings.

 RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE SHALOM BAYIS JOKES  OF THE WEEK

 My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'I said, 'Dust.' And that's how the fight started....

 My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, “Do you know her?”

“Yes, ” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” says my wife, “Who would think that a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And that’s when the fight started.

A wife wants a fancy Porsche for her fiftieth birthday. She drops hints to her husband:"You know we've had a really good year, heck, good decade, fiscally. For my birthday, I'm really hoping for something sleek, maybe baby blue. Something you can really step on and it'll go from 0 to 200 in like .2 seconds..."The husband nods knowingly. So for her birthday, he buys her a scale.And that's when the fight started...

My wife told me she wants to give her clothes away to starving children, I  told her that if they fit them they aren't starving. That is when the fight began

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the face cream. And that’s when the fight started.

 A woman is standing in her room looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s near perfect.” And that’s when the fight started.

 For his birthday, I gave my son an iPhone. My daughter received an iPod for hers. For my birthday, I was pleased to receive an iPad. My mother was given an iMac for her birthday. Thinking along the same lines, I got my wife an iRon. And that's when the fight started…

 Esther was throwing darts at her husband's picture on a dart board and not even a single one hitting the target. When he entered, saw and asked, Honey! What are you doing?Esther said " Missing you…".And that's when the fight started…

 A man walks into a bar,looking all bummed out, and orders a drink. After a few minutes he orders another. About thirty minutes later he orders a few more drinks. The bartenders asks," Dude you look really depressed. Is everything okay? "The man explains," My wife and I got into big fight. She says she won't speak to me for 31 days."The bartender asks," Well isn't that a good thing." The man replies," Sadly, tonight's the last night."

My Dentist friend just divorced his wife who is a manicurist. All they did was fight tooth and nail

A married couple are having a fight. Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"

 "Got in a fight with my wife last night" says one guy to his friend.

"Again", said the friend, "How did it end this time?"
"Well, she ended up on her knees, practically begging"
"Really, what did she say?"
"Get out from under the bed you coward"

 A married couple were fighting when they drove past a farm full of pigs. The husband then asked his wife, "Family of yours?" The wife looked at the pigs, then replied, "Yea, in-laws."

 Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?Wife says: I clean the toilet...Husband says: How does that help?Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....

 The entire 15 years of marriage my wife and  I have only had one fight. And it's still not over…

*********************************

Answer is B – Surprisingly I got this one right. It was really process of elimination and a good guess. Jacotin is the most French sounding name, so that was my knee jerk answer. Then upon thinking about it I figured Wilson is Charles Wilson who was an archeologist in Israel in the 1800's after Napoleon. Bunting sounded German so I ruled him out. Peutinger's Map I remembered was of the Roman empires roads, so that ruled that out also. So I felt comfortable going with the French sounding Jacotin and I was right on this last question of this Winter 2019 exam. That makes my final score is  Schwartz 37and 13 for MOT (Ministry of Tourism) on this exam.

 Technically speaking this part of the exam is worth only 30 points on the exam. The part two which asked to make an itinerary for two days for a group and have a talking point on some place on the itinerary is the bulk of the exam and worth the remaining 70 points.

They give you a choice of three groups.

A) Israelis interested in Crusader period with 1/2 day only in Jerusalem covering at least 6 sites in three geographical areas.

B) European hikers in the Golan, Chermon and Eastern Galil, including a 1/2 day hike and topics covering nature, archeology, Geology, and religions

C) Tourists in Beer Sheva, Negev, Judean Plains, half day in each and cover topics of Archeology, agriculture, history and produce.

 I'd probably pick B for that one definitely not A)

But if we gave me a score solely on the first part of the exam at 2 points a question I would have gotten a 74% based on all of them. But the truth is you only area allowed to answer 45 of the questions so If you detract 5 questions from the wrong side (which is fair because I probably would've skipped the ones I didn't know and guessed wrong on then my score is 82%! Not bad. When I did my real exam I got an 87 so I haven't lost that much of my touch I guess.

Next week we start a new exam. They switched the style of questions in 2020 the questions now have a fill in the blank section and an associated multiple choice question together. As well there is only 33 questions from which you have to answer 30. I'm curious how I'll do on this exam. Let's see next week for the most recent Summer 2021 Exam!

The Lion, the Itch and the War Job- Ki Teitzei 2017 / 5777

Insights and Inspiration

from the

Holy Land
from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

"Your friend in Karmiel"

September 1^st 2017 -Volume 7 Issue 43 10^th of Elul 5777

Parshat Ki Teitzei

The Lion, the Itch and the War Job

Mazel Tov! He was finally getting married. It was about time already. The jungle had been waiting a long time for this special moment. It was gonna be the wedding of the century. All the animals were invited. The elephants were all dieting to prepare for the great feast and to fit into their outfits, the monkeys had all their shtick planned, the beavers and foxes got their best shtreimels fixed up and those yeshivishe black and white zebras even decided to take a shower for the occasion. Even the little mice were invited. It was the King of the Jungle’s big day and no one wanted to miss the simcha of the year. Akuna MazalTov.

When the special day came everyone came over to Ahreleh the lion seated on his big throne and gave him their special blessings. As Mendele’h the little mouse walked over he gave the groom a big hug, well as big of a hug as mouse can give a lion that is and handed him an envelope with a nice check in it saying.

“Mazel Tov, my dear brother, here’s a small gift from your loving buddy, Mendy.”

The Lion’s face turned red or orange as lions do and he gave out a roar.

“Listen mouse” he said, “I don’t know who you think you are. I invited you to the wedding because I invited the entire jungle. But what makes you think that you are my brother, my buddy?!”

Mendeleh looked up at him with a knowing smile and sighed and said

“Ahhh… boychikl… Before I got married I was also a lion….”

Sigh….. It’s a joke that every married man laughs at wryfully…While most jewish women do gleefully. I always tell people if they ask me what my status in the house is that I am the Baal HaBoss- I’m the husband of the Boss. I just follow orders and find that I get into less trouble that way. It’s a good piece of advice and makes life so much smoother once we learn our roles properly. I don’t think this is true, by the way for only Jewish marriages. I think that in many cultures the women is really the one that is wearing the pants in the family. Except maybe Italians, they’re ‘Real Men”. Their wives know that the linguini better be on the table when Papa gets home or boom. As they say in a Italy

 “A prima donna matrimonio, la seconda compagnia, la terza un 'eresia.-  A first wife makes for a good marriage, a second wife is just a companion and the third is good for nothing.” 

 Arrivederci!

Marriage is certainly one of the oldest institutions in the world. It goes back to the Beginning in Eden when Hashem took a look at Adam wandering around the garden trying to find where he left his car keys and He realized that he had no one to blame it on but himself. So Hashem made the declaration

“Lo tov l’adam lihiyot livad- it is not good for man to alone, I will make him a helper opposite him.”

And man went to sleep for the last time without someone poking him in middle of the night and Eve was born. He very quickly blamed her for feeding him the wrong dinner and he has been paying the price since.

Jokes aside though there certainly is a common denominator between all marriages in all cultures and religions around the world. People are programmed to seek out their “soul-mate” There is something inside of us that understands that we are incomplete without someone else to share our lives with in the most intimate and the most pragmatic of ways.

Not everyone is good at marriage though. The world it seems has certainly changed in the “till death do us part”- commitment aspect of marriage that was once the glue that held families together in good times, in bad times, I’ll be on your side forever more… Sorry just spacing out a bit here…J. In fact the divorce rate has risen all over the world in the past thirty years where in America the rate is terrifyingly close to 50%. Even in Israel it has risen from 2% in 1973 to 14% in 2014. Sure there are people that will argue that in the past there were just as many unhappy marriages that just stayed together because of the stigma of divorce and thank god we have ‘progressed” to the point where that is no longer the case and people can “move on” without any fear of social backlash. The Talmud though definitely has a definite other take on this though.

“Tav l’meisav tan do, mlmeisav armalasa- it is better for two people to sit as a couple then as a widow.

The Talmud uses this logic to explain that it is better to stay in a marriage as a couple even with an undesirable person than to be alone. This of course does not include cases of abuse and other things of course. But in general marriage is always the preferred status. In fact we are told that when a couple gets divorced it is as if the altar itself sheds tears. Why particularly the Altar many of the commentaries ask?

The answer perhaps is that the function of the altar is to bring sacrifices. It is for a person to feel that there is something that has come between Hashem and himself that unless recognized, unless one takes account of that moment, that event than the gap will become even greater. I don’t only speak about sins and mistakes that we make in our lives for which a sacrifice is warranted, but for happy occasions as well, there are thanksgiving offerings, there are peace offerings, there are holiday, Shabbat, first borns, one’s entire years life cycles are made real when we come to the altar and bring the Kohen are offering and connect with the moment by giving something special of ourselves and including Hashem in that occasion. Without someone to share that with then really what is it all worth. That is the essence of marriage as well. One who tragically doesn’t have that special someone with which to grow in developing that trait of completing ones life’s growth, challenges and simchas is missing that special tool Hashem programmed us all with to be our “helper-opposite ‘Him- the partner to help us realize that we are always Shivisi Hashem Lnegdi Tamid- that we place Hashem opposite us always. It is for that reason that the altar is the vessel that sheds tears. For the mizabayach is the place where we become most connected with Hashem.

Why am I writing about this subject this week, you wish to know? Well first of all my wife is out of town and I can’t find my car keys…J. No but really, This week the Torah portion which is titled Ki Teitzei La’Milchama Al Oyvecha- which begins talking about the going out to battle and a man finding an inappropriate woman that he has an ‘itch’ for which he feels just must ‘scratch’.  Ultimately the Torah tells us this will lead to dire consequences bad children and other not fun stuff. But the entire portion in fact is chock full of mitzvos that relate to marriage. It talks about all types of violent and inappropriate physically driven seductions and worse, it talks about terrible husbands that spread bad rumors about their wives, cheating spouses, a man with two wives, women of ill repute, and even when it talks about the mitzva of marriage the source for the concept of betrothal before marriage

Devarim (22:13) Ki Yikach Ish Isha- When a man will take a woman

It is mentioned in the context of failed marriage and the mitzva to divorce. The one thing that is missing perhaps from this entire list of mitzvos, of which the Torah seems to pack into this week’s Torah portion is the mitzva to love one’s wife, to cherish, to hold dear. We are told to love the convert, our fellow neighbor, Hashem, what about our spouses?

Maimonides in the beginning of his laws of marriage does something unique. He describes the history of it all

“Before the Torah was given a man would meet a woman in the market (see where the term comes fromJ) if he wanted and she wanted to get married he would bring into her home and she would be his wife.

Once the Torah was given Israel was commanded that if a man wanted to marry a woman he would bring her before witnesses and betroth her and then after he would marry her… And this betrothal is called Kiddushin and it is a positive commandment from the Torah”

This is a puzzling Rambam and very not like his style. The Rambam doesn’t start off other laws with a history lesson. He doesn’t’ say anywhere that ‘before the Torah people could eat un-slaughtered animal and now we have to pay double and get them shechted and this is a mitzva’, or ‘before the Torah we could wear four cornered garments without Tzitzit’. So why by marriage does he feel it is necessary to introduce these laws with a trip down memory lane to the ‘good ole’ days’? I believe that what Maimonides is doing is explaining the essence of what a Jewish marriage is about. The Torah does not tell us that one should love honor and respect one’s wife because that’s natural. Everyone knows that. Even gentiles, even before the Torah was given had a concept of marriage. Judaism is about something more. It’s about Kiddushin. It’s about not just jumping into the ‘house’ from the market place and spending the rest of your life with someone you care about. It’s about bringing her to witnesses appreciating the sanctity of the moment. Making a declaration before Hashem K’daas Moshe V’Yisrael- Like the laws of Moses and Israel. The process of betrothal does two things it prohibits and dedicates the two of you together and forbids any external relation. You are not yet one. That will happen with marriage, but you have made a commitment that this will be home that will include Hashem and lift up the world together.

It is for this reason as well when the laws of marriage are mentioned in this week’s Torah portion all of the pitfalls of marriage are delineated. It’s not just about love and romance. Those things everyone has. It’s about appreciating that the two of you are on the most important ‘battlefield’ of the world. It’s the two of you that will be fighting against all the distractions, temptations and challenges to build that most important Jewish home. To create a place of Kedusha.

There is another reason why this topic comes to mind this week. My sister-in-law Yehudis will IYH be marrying her bashert Yoily (I love that name-by the way). We have all waited, davened, and anticipated this great moment. It’s finally here. May Hashem bless the two of you that you merit to build an incredible home, one that is full of the love and joy that every other marriage in the world builds its foundation upon. But as well may it be a home of kedusha and tahara, one that sees you through all the challenges that both of you have surmounted until now and become stronger as a result of. A house that completes the two of you and that brings the shechina into it and is a light unto Klal Yisrael. And Yoily, my brother, if it ever gets too rough, remember… I was once a lion too…J Mazel Tov!

Have a lovingly amazing Shabbos,

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

 **********************

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S FAVORITE YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

“Der “harey-at” iz a kurtser prolog tsu a lange drame”. The wedding vow is a short prologue to a long drama

RABBI SCHWARTZ COOL VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

https://youtu.be/JB-RNaSz7KQ    – Chasidish Despacito?

https://youtu.be/ZtQhJ_Ui5Kw   – Maccabeats Despacito?

https://youtu.be/5zO6M_g0Ddo   – Israeli Violinist Despacito?

https://youtu.be/n6Y5zZlq1JQ - Breslav Despacito?

https://youtu.be/BabXYevQwmE - Laurel and Hardy Despacito? Had enough yet?

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

answer below at end of Email

Q.  A hanging (suspended) tree sculpture designed by the sculptor Ran Morin is located in:
a. Sejera
b. Haifa
c. Nazareth
d. Jaffa

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ILLUMINATING RASHI OF THE WEEK

Ki Teitzei- One of the enlightening things to me in this column is not only the original ways we learn and study Rashi, but the little bios that follow this column of the individual who gave this insight as well. Oh, that’s what it says in the italicized paragraphs that follow this column, you’re thinking…It’s alright if you don’t read it, there’s way too much information in this E-Mail anyways and you gotta skip something, right? And it’s definitely not going to be the jokes. But anyways I just find it amazing that the greatest minds and Jewish leaders for almost 1000 years since Rashi wrote his commentary, have been pondering, learning, innovating and finding meaning and insight into his concise and seemingly easy commentary. It is even more inspiring to me when one of the greatest leaders of today’s generation does so as well.

In this week’s portion of Ki Teitzei the parsha begins with the mitzva of yifat Toar a captured one who caught the eye of one of the soldiers and the process of converting her and marrying her. The Torah concludes this portion with the commandment that if he does not desire her than he should divorce her and she is sent home to her parents home.

Rashi on that mitzva notes

Devarim (21:14) And it shall be if he does not desire her and she shall send her to herself- The verse is foretelling you that he will ultimately hate her.

Reb Eliyahu Mizrachi asks where do our sages, whom Rashi is quoting, know and see from the verse that he will end up hating her and divorcing her. The Torah merely says that if he doesn’t desire her what the protocol is. Reb Chayim Kanievsky notes that the Torah uses the word v’haya- And it shall be. There are two words that mean and it shall be; vayehi and vihaya. Vahyehi is used when it is a bad thing that will happen and vhaya is when it is a good thing. Suggests Reb Chayim, that seemingly the usage of the word v’haya over here is telling me that there is something good about this failed marriage. It is that they will not bear children. For as Rashi tells us, the outcome of this marriage will ultimately be a Ben Sorer Umoreh a wayward child that will ultimately be sentenced to death in the following passage. Similarly we find this same terminology, he notes, in the next portion that talks about a man who takes two wives and he there is one he hates and one he lioves. v’haya ha’ben habechor lasenuah- And it shall be the first-born son is born to the hated wife- Again the Torah usuesd to teach us that the hated mother is happy because she has the first-born. It is ofr this reason Rashi points out that the verse is telling you- with the usage of the good-news term v’haya- that he will ultimately hate her and divorce her.

Isn’t it inspiring to know that Reb Chayim Kanievsky is learning the same Rashi we are?

Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky (1928-till Mashiach comes J) – I believe it is non-debatable that Reb Chaim is the unchallenged Gadol HaDor- leader of the Jewish people today. This is certainly true of the Yeshiva world, but even in Chasidic and modern orthodox world the name Reb Chaim requires no last name to identify him. It is hard to argue about a man who is literally a walking Torah scroll, who completes the entire Torah (Mishna, Talmud, Midrash and all other accompanying early works of the Oral tradition). Yet at the same time sits hours each day and greets and blesses and guides those that seek his leadership and guidance from all over the world in his tiny little apartment in Bnai Brak.

Born of an illustrious Torah home Reb Chaim Kanievsky was born in Pinskto Rabbi Yaakov Yisrael Kanievsky as the Steipler Gaon and Rebbitzen Miriam Karelitz, sister of Rabbi Avraham Yeshayahu Karelitz or the Chazon Ish. He married Batsheva Elyashiv, daughter of Rabbi Yosef Sholom Eliashiv (grandson of Rav Shlomo Elyashiv, also known as the Leshem) and granddaughter of Rav Aryeh Levin the "Tzaddik of Jerusalem. It doesn’t get more prestigious than that.

A fun fact that you may not have been aware of though was that during the 1948 Israeli War of Independence, Rav Kanievsky, then a student at the Lomza Yeshiva, was conscripted for temporary army service in the general mobilization. He was assigned to stand guard on a large hill near Jaffa.So one could say he was a soldier as well.

Perhaps one of the most incredible things that Rav Chaim has been pushing over the last few years, interestingly enough, I have heard from many that have visited him, is that Jews should move to Eretz Yisrael. He feels strongly that Mashiach is literally around the corner and has said as much, and feels it would be good for all of us to be here already for the time is now. May his words be readily fulfilled.

.

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TYPES OF JEWS IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

Shofar Blowers –My kids tell me I’m getting desperate, It’s the end of the year and I’m scrambling for new types of Jews you meet in Israel. I don’t think so. Anyways this might be a stretch but you do see these guys all around. It seems to be a thing in this country, to randomly blow shofars at different places. Certainly in the old city of Jerusalem or Tzfat during  Bar Mitzva ceremonies or weddings.When walks around the Shuk in Jerusalem as well there inevitably might be someone blowing his shofar as well. But I’ve seen shofar blowers on Masada, in train stations, on the streets of Tel Aviv or other busy cities. Most Jewish rallies are also incomplete without your Shofar blower as well, be they political rallies and certainly by religious ones. Shofar blowers can be random guys with beards, Nachman’s and Chabad guys are certainly the most prevalent. Sfardim as well have a big thing for Shofar blowing by simchas. But then you have your random Chinese guys or Christian tourists that feel very biblical when they walk around with their big shofars and blow them as well. This month of Elul until Rosh Hashana when there is a Jewish custom to blow each morning to awaken everyone to repent. One certainly hears the Shofar blast more often than not. Each time I hear the Shofar, personally, my heart jumps. Is it Mashiach? Is he finally here? I’m still hoping. I imagine the Shofar blowers are as well.

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S JEWISH JOKES OF THE WEEK

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.”

“What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi.

“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.

“What did he say?” asked the man.

He said, “Funny you should come to me...”

A young Jewish guy develops a crush on a girl, but when he tells his Father about her, the old boy just wants to know her family name. When the young guy tells him that the girl's name is Ford, the old boy tells him that Ford is not a good Jewish name, and he must forget her, and go and find a nice Jewish girl. So time passes, and the young guy finds another girl, but her name is Austin, so his Father tells him the same thing, to find a nice Jewish girl with a nice Jewish name. So more time passes, and the young guy finds another girl, but this time he is sure that he has solved the problem because the girl's name is Goldberg. "Goldberg !" exclaims his Father, "This makes me very happy because it is a real good Jewish name, and from a good established family" Then he asks what her first name is. "Is it one of my favourite names, like Rachael, or Rebecca ?" "No Father" replied the young guy. "It's Whoopi"

Q - What do Jewish wives make for supper?
A - Reservations.

Lionel from London is taking his University gap year in America and he’s visiting as many places there as he can. But whilst spending some time in Oklahoma, he meets and falls deeply in love with a Cherokee girl. Not long after, they decide to get married and Lionel rings his mother to tell her the good news.
"Mum, I’ve found my future wife and we’re getting married over here. I’m going to send you the air tickets to join us."
"Mazeltov Lionel," his mother says. "I’m so pleased, but is she ……. Jewish?"
"No mum," Lionel replies, "she’s not. But she promises to act as a Jewish wife."
"Oy," his mother wails, "I’ve always wanted you to marry a lovely Jewish girl."
"You can’t have everything mum," Lionel says. "And another thing I must tell you. She lives on a reservation and that’s where we’ll be living after we marry."
"I can’t take any more of this," cries his mother, "I don’t want the tickets and I don’t want to speak to you again." And with that she slams down the phone.
Almost a year later, Lionel rings his mother and tells her that they are expecting a baby.  His mother doesn’t slam down the phone but says, very politely and unemotionally, "That’s nice, son, I’m happy for you both."
Eight months later, Lionel again rings his mother and says, "Mum, I just want to say that last night my wife gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy. I also want you to know that we’ve agreed to give our son a Jewish name."
Upon hearing this unexpected news, his mother shouts out with happiness. "Oh Lionel, bubbeleh, this is wonderful news," she cries, "I've been waiting for this moment all my life. You’ve both made me more happy than you could ever know."
"That's fantastic, mum," replies Lionel. "I’m so glad that you and I are back together as mother and son."
"And what," asks his proud and happy mother, "is my lovely grandson’s name going to be?"
Lionel replies, proudly, "Smoked Whitefish."

Rabbi Levy, one of the wisest of rabbis, is dying. And because he is so loved by his colleagues, many rabbis have gathered around his hospital bedside trying to make his last moments as rewarding as possible.
Whilst the visiting rabbis are praying, one of the nurses comes into the room and offers rabbi Levy a glass of warm milk to drink. But with what little strength he has left, rabbi Levy refuses it.
Seeing this, rabbi Jacobs has an idea. He remembers that he has a bottle of whiskey in his car which he was planning to use for his next kiddush. So whilst his colleagues are watching rabbi Levy’s laboured breaths, he quickly picks up the glass of milk and creeps out to his car. Rabbi Jacobs then opens the bottle of whiskey and pours a generous portion of it into the warm milk. He then goes back to rabbi Levy’s bedside and holds the glass to rabbi Levy’s lips.
"Go on rabbi Levy," says rabbi Jacobs, "please drink some of this milk. It will make you feel a bit better. Really it will."
So rabbi Levy takes a small sip, stares at the glass, drinks a bit more, then smiles and finishes every drop of the milk-and-whiskey mixture.
The other rabbis are humbled when they see rabbi Levy apparently making some kind of recovery. "Rabbi Levy," they say, "please share some of your wisdom with us before you die!"
At this, rabbi Levy raises himself up in his bed and with a pious look on his face points out the window and says, "Don't sell that cow!"

**************

Answer is D– I  have no clue about this one. Not really that interested in Israeli tree sculptures. Barely even interested in trees, fuggedabout sculptures of trees. But actually after googling this it kind of rang a bell, in the old city of Jaffa on our tour there in the tour guiding course I remember seeing this down one of the alleyways there. It’s a tree hanging in the air from a pot. Can’t imagine too many people knew this answer though. It is definitely one I would have skipped on the exam as we had to answer 45 out of 50.