Karmiel

Karmiel
Our view of the Galile

Friday, June 16, 2023

Acrophobia- Parshat Shelach-Korach 2023 5783

 

Insights and Inspiration

from the

Holy Land

from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

"Your friend in Karmiel"

June 16th 2023 -Volume 12 Issue 36 27th of Sivan 5783

 

Parshat Shelach/ Korach

Acrophobia

Shani is scared of elevators. When she was checking out hospitals where would be the best place to give birth to my grandson- or my twin grandchildren to be precise, the primary criterion wasn’t the level of medical care, it wasn’t the niceness and comfort of the rooms, it wasn’t even the proximity to Karmiel where she lived. It was what floor the maternity ward and obstetrics unit were on. How many flights she would have to walk up to get there when in labor. She wasn’t getting into an elevator. She would walk twenty flights if need be. But those big steel doors closing on her and that rush as it soars up floor after floor, number after number never knowing if those doors will ever open again or not sends shivers down her back and puts her in panic attack mode. She’d sooner give birth in her bathtub.

Now interesting enough, she doesn’t have a problem getting on an airplane, which seemingly and logically should be a lot more frightening. After-all it’s not just a few flights you’re going up its tens of thousands of miles. A lot more people die in airplane crashes then in elevator accidents. I always thought that’s why they have those little boxes with moving pictures to keep you preoccupied, so that you don’t think about the fact that that you’re in a metal crate with wings on it that’s flying above the ocean and could any moment drop. And no, I don’t have much faith in those little life jacket things on the bottom of your seat that you calmly pull the strings on gently and place around your neck (and then your child’s of course…hmmm) to save me while my plane is plummeting a million miles down on fire into the raging waters below. Yeah… that’s really gonna work… It’s a good thing Shani doesn’t read these E-Mails, she might stop flying as well.

Me? I’m fine with elevators. I’m fine with airplanes. I don’t have a problem with heights- although Aliza my wife is terrified of them. Maybe that’s where Shani gets it from. I don’t get it. The heights aren’t going to jump out at you and pull you down. What’s to be scared of?

OK I admit that I do get a little woozy looking over a cliff or ravine, or when I was in Dubai on the tallest building in the world and looked down. I did hold and grip a little tighter to the ledge and railing in case a big gust of wind came suddenly and the good Lord felt it was time for me take a little plunge- not that it would’ve helped any if He made up His mind. But I’m not scared of being or climbing up high. Quite the opposite, I find it invigorating. Aliza though wants me to stop reading this already… she’s getting woozy just hearing me describe it.

Fascinatingly enough, this fear of heights in fact is a clinical condition that is called acrophobia from the Greek word acro which means summit. It is estimated that 3-6% percent of the population suffer from it, making it one of the most common phobias followed only by the fear of public speaking. 3-6% of the population is a lot of people that want to stay on the ground. That are nervous going up.  That prefer the security of their own two feet on the terra rosa even if it means missing out on the glorious view one can only have from up above. Ahh… well… Different strokes for different folks.

Now this E-Mail is never just about sharing with you all of families (and my own) personal skeletons as therapeutic as that is and enjoyable upsetting my mother who complains about this all the time.

 “Whadaya need to put everything out there for! Nobody’s interested in all of your mishigas and personal life. Not your surgeries, your chulent and your silly offensive jokes!”

52 years and she hasn’t realized that it still goes in one ear and comes out the other. Or as I corrected her once never even made it into the first ear.  Yet, there must be a parsha connection to justify this weekly bitul zman, and to make people feel less guilty about taking the half hour or so that it takes to read my never-ending E-Mails. It’s a Dvar Torah right? Uhh. Huh… I know why you’re really here…

Well this week, I’ve got to connect it to two parshiyot. Shelach for you guys over there and Korach for us over here. And what better way then to talk about your fear of heights, or perhaps as we in Israel forget sometimes as well, our own fear of heights. Maybe the word heights is confusing you. Let’s talk Hebrew. Let’s talk Aliya.

See in Shelach when Moshe sends the spies into the land of Israel, it seems that there is a discussion going on between Kalev and the spies and all of the Jewish nation. Can we go up or not? Kalev tells them

Alo Na’aleh Ki yachol nuchal lah- Let us go up and up because we can conquer it.

Whereas the spies seem to be busy infecting us with this eternal acrophobia respond

Lo nuchal ha’am lalos ki chazak hu mimenu- the nation can’t go up for it is too strong for them.

Do you know what the irony of their punishment is that Hashem metes out to this acrophobic generation?

Bamidbar ha’zeh yiplu pigreichem- their corpses will fall in this wilderness.

And in case you didn’t get the irony Hashem repeats it.

Upigreichem atem yiplu Bamidbar hazeh- and you are corpses and you will fall in this wilderness.

Do you know what happens when we want to stay down because you’re too scared of what will happen and of falling when you go up to high? You become a corpse that is walking and that will fall down right here on ground. You fall in the desolate wilderness. Not only did you miss out on the incredible view and future that awaits you up on top of the world, but your false sense of security on the ground is where you will trip fall and break your head and die. It ain’t safer on the ground, particularly if Hashem tells you that the elevator up is one that He wants you go get on.

This week’s Parsha of Korach which fascinatingly enough doesn’t tell us when it occurs, It is a subject of much debate amongst the commentaries if this was before the spies story or afterwards, in the beginning of our sojourn in the wilderness or at the end of the 40 years,  yet it contains the same eternal timeless message. Which is why, some note, there is no date on this story as opposed to every other story in the book of Bamidbar that has an exact date given for it. For it’s lesson is above time. It’s way up there.

The Ramban though sees this story happening right after the spy story. Dasan and Aviram and Korach with his cronies also seem to have a different type of spiritual acrophobia. They don’t believe in elevators either. I don’t know of another parsha that repeats the words up and down, above and under as much as this one does.

Vayikahalu al Moshe v’al Aharon- and they gathered on Moshe and on Aharon

Madua tisnasu al kahal Hashem- why do you elevate yourself above the congregation of Hashem.

Elevate? Hmmm… Above…on…on..

Moshe tries to convince them to drop this thing… drop…?

Lachein ata v’chol adosecha ha’noadim al Hashem- therefore you and your entire assembly who are joining together on Hashem.

V’Aharon ma hu ki salinu aluv- And for Aharon what is he that you complain on him.

Their response?

Lo Na’aleh- we’re not going up.

It’s enough you too us up from a land of Milk and honey (Egypt?!) to cause us to die here in the wilderness yet you seek to dominate aleinu-above us even to dominate us further.

Even if you poke out our eyes- Lo Na’aleh! We’re not getting on that elevator.

Moshe falls down upon hearing this… falls down…Just like the tribes whose corpses will fall in the wilderness. And they ask Hashem to spare this nation. Don’t kill them all. Don’t drop them.

Hashem responds to Moshe

Ha’alu mi’saviv l’mishkan Korach- go up from Korach’s abode.

Get on the elevator because these people are going down; way down.

Moshe goes with the elders to the camp of Korach and orders them

Suru  na mei’al ohalei anashim hareshaim ha’eileh- go up from the tents of these wicked people

The nation listens. They get on the elevator.

Va’yeialu mei’al Mishkan Korach- they went up from above the abode of Korach, Dasan and Aviram

The punishment of Korach, much like the spies was that they went down but even more dramatically. The ground swallowed them up and they got their wish as Chazal ironically note. They didn’t want to go up- so they went down instead as far down as they could go. If Shani will excuse me- its like an elevator crashing down a thousand flights.

Moshe had asked for specifically that punishment for them

U’fatzasa ha’adama es piha uvala osam - and the earth will open up its mouth and swallow them

V’yardu chaim sh’ola- and they will go down alive to the pit.

And sure enough

V’yerdu hem v’chol asher la’hem- and they and all that was theirs went down.

What’s fascinating is that Moshe is generally the one advocating for Klal Yisrael. In fact, his name even means “to pull up”. He was called that because he was pulled up out of the water and yet here he seems to be the one pushing the down button on the elevator.

The AR”I Ha’Kadosh, the great 16th century mystic, sheds light on this story by of course in his holy mystical way sharing us the secret of the souls of Moshe and Korach. This is not the first time we have the ground swallowing up someone in the Torah. To understand when this once occurred before we need to g back to the beginning of time. There we have two brothers fighting: Kayin and Hevel. Kayin brings a sacrifice from the simplest crops that he possesses, flax or linen. Hevel brings the best and choices of his sheep to Hashem. Their debate? Kayin feels everything is holy. There’s no better or worse. It’s all from Hashem.

Taken to the next level and understanding this argument in terms of the spies and Korach. We’re all holy. There’s no better or nor worse. There’s no land of Milk and honey. Egypt is also milk and honey. There’s no need for any elevators. There’s no need for a Moshe to take us up or an Aharon to be above anyone. There’s no need to make aliya. We have our yeshivos here, our kosher foods that’s even better than Manna. We have our chesed organizations. We’re good. No land is better. In fact making aliya to the land will only eat up our children. It’s an Eretz ocheles yoshveha- a land that will eat up its citizens. If we go there we will go down. Better to stay here on our stable Red white and blue land. The wilderness where your corpses will fall…

The Ari teaches us that Moshe is the soul of Hevel. When Kayin killed Hevel, the verse tells us the ground opened up its mouth and swallowed his body. It is perhaps that trauma of Moshe’s shared soul that inspires him to bring everyone up again. He understood that if we don’t go up. If Kayin wins, if Korach wins, if the spies win- if their argument and ideology that we are all the same and there isn’t any up or down, then the world will collapse. The earth will fall out under our feet. And so he lifts us up again and again. He brings us to those elevator doors of Eretz Yisrael and he urges us to go in. To go up.

The connecting parsha between these two stories is the mitzva of tzizis. The mitzva that we are told is a combination of wool and linen. It’s Kayin’s linen and Hevel’s wool. Kayin wanted there to be a world without Hevel. A world where there is no need for a blue string to bring up the white. It’s all good. It’s all holy. It’s a talis as Rashi says Korach claimed, that is all blue; all techeles, all the color of the sky and Hashem’s holy throne. To a large degree Korach is correct, it is all holy it is all Hashem. Yet, what he missed is that we all still have to up. We all have to connect to Moshe. Moshe is the intermediary, the elevator that we need to rise higher and higher. That will connect the heaven to earth. That will inspire us that we can make aliya. Alon na’aleh. We can go up. And if we don’t we will fall.

Acrophobia is a real fear that all of us suffer from. It’s no just Shani. It’s not just those Aliyah-phobes or those Korachs and spies that claim to be Rabbis that tell us that we can’t go up. We can’t become better. We can’t go higher and higher. We also like the comfort and security of the ground under our feet. The stability we assume we have staying right where we are in life. But what we need to realize is that the ground is shaky. It’s been that way since the beginning of time. Life is not one of those airport moving floors that just go back and forth across the airport of life. We need to get on the plane and fly and soar. The flight is leaving. Please turn off all your electronic devices. Buckle up. We’re ready take-off.

Have an uplifting Shabbos and chodesh Tamuz Tov!

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

************************

YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

 

“Iz do a braireh, darf nit zein kain moireh.- When there is a way out, there is no need for fear.

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

answer below at end of Email

26) According to Catholic-Christian tradition, the "Transfiguration" took place on Mount:

Which figures are related to the "Transfiguration" according to The New Testament?

A) John the Baptist and St. Paul

B) Melchizedek and St. Peter

C) Jeremiah and Isaiah

D) Elijah the Prophet and Moses

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO OF THE WEEK

 

 

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/good-shabbos - Not all of you listened last week.. so it’s here again..! In fact I may just put this here every week. Because how else can you come into Shabbos without my special song. the next biggest klal yisrael hit- Dovid lowy on vocals and amazing arrangements Here it is Good Shabbis Good Shabbis Good Shabbis!

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mk67SWHgiVk – OK guys you really don’t want to miss this song. Abie Rottenbergs timeless Shadchan song updated with the girls version… in honor of Ohel Sarale organization for single girls. Amazing with Baruch Levine

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MST-1azpDYc – Gorgeous Shulem Lemmer latest song and video from vayitein lecha Umar Reb Yochanan

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzF2pvTT1Yc – Do you get more all star than Zanvil, Razel, Falkowitz, Meisels with incredible Shabbos in Tzfat footage. Awesome..

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

 

The Leper Strikes Again - 673 BC- After the relief of the famine and the miraculous salvation that Elisha had prophesized about, Yehoram, the King of the North still had it in for Elisha. On the one hand he saved the Jewish people miraculously and foretold of the retreat of Aram. On the other hand, Elisha was the cause of the famine in his eyes in the first place, as he cursed them. So what does a King do when he needs to figure things out? He finds a good Rabbi to commiserate with and that will hopefully be on his team. And fortunately, or unfortunately for him he had just the man. None other than the leper Geichazi Elisha’s former student whom he had chucked out and rejected after he betrayed Elisha to make some money from Naama on the side.

 

So the two of them, Geichazi and Yehoram were schmoozing about Elisha. Geichazi was answering Yehoram about his great miracles and guess who popped in the door at just the right moment. It was another flash from the past. None other than the Shunamite woman, who had left the country to Gaza at Elisha’s behest when the famine had started. When she had returned home to Shunam all of her property and fields had been taken from her. So she came to the king hoping for some justice. And whadaya know? It worked out perfect. Hashem arranges these things and when Yehoram hears first hand about the miracles preformed for her he makes sure she gets everything back.

 

It wasn’t just in order to help this woman that Hashem timed her arrival for this auspicious time. It was that Hashem wasn’t interested in Geichazi once again trying to look like a big knocker and be the one to tell Yehoram about the great miracles of Elisha. Hashem was sending him a message. I don’t need you. It’s not about you, as long as you’re trying to self-promote yourself. Geichazi should’ve taken the Mussar and returned. Yet he didn’t. He leaves the country entirely after that. He moves over to Aram, the modern-day Syria. But as we will learn next week. It doesn’t help. Things will get worse. Elisha heads over there after him. The end is starting to come apart.

 

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE FEAR OF HEIGHTS JOKES  OF THE WEEK

 

What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights? A Chicken

 

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths

 

What do you call a mountain goat with a fear of heights? A goat

 

I’ve always been afraid of heights.But don’t worry, I’ll get over it

 

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm not even afraid of falling from heights. I'm afraid hitting the ground after falling from heights.

 

Co-pilot: why did you become a pilot?

Pilot: to over come my greatest fear.

 Co-pilot: heights?

Pilot: no, dying alone.

 

I don't have confidence or trust in elevators anymore. They always seem like they're up to something, but they also let me down quite often.

 

Why is jumping from great heights the most influential way to die? Because you make an impact

 

Once upon a time, there was a very brave but very arrogant man…

This man claimed he could survive anything. He survived falls from various heights, various guns, sharp objects and even acid. One day, he declared he was going to survive a steamroller. So this brave man went in the roller’s path…He sadly died that day, but the most important thing was he proved that he had guts.

 

How can you tell birds are afraid of heights? Because every time they look down they make in their pants.

 

If I owned a roofing company, and interviewed an applicant with a fear of heights..........I wouldn't "higher" them......

 

I hate it when people go on about their phobias. I have a terrible fear of heights, but you won't find me shouting about it from the rooftops.

 

Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator. I was wrong on so many levels.

 

Why is the elevator always sick? It keeps coming down with something.

 

I’m terrified of elevators, I’ve been taking steps to avoid them.

********************************

The answer to this week”s question is D  - So some people get upset that I actually share this Xianity stupidity. It’s a fake religion based on lies and they killed all of us in the name of their heretical Jewish renegade “savior” if he even existed as they attribute to him. But the function of this column is not educational, but merely to show you guys what type of ridiculous course material we needed to undergo in order to become a licensed tour guide. Now Christianity obviously is one of my weak spots- was never interested and I knew it wouldn’t be my client base. But I actually remember some things. Particularly they places I pass and visit occasionally. Now Mt. Tabor is one of those that are hard to miss. The church stands on top of this glorious mountain. Transfiguration is this body and soul meld like star Trek of Yoshka Moses and Eliyahu Ha’Navi. Its stupid and bubbeh maysehs, but I got it right So that’s what really counts. So now  the score  stands at 19.5 for Schwartz and 6.5 for Ministry of tourism on this exam so far.


Friday, June 9, 2023

Our Inner Moshe- Parshat Behaloscha / Shelach 2023 5783

 

Insights and Inspiration

from the

Holy Land

from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

"Your friend in Karmiel"

June 9th 2023 -Volume 12 Issue 35 20th of Sivan 5783

 

Parshat Beha’aloscha/ Shelach

Our Inner Moshe

She had a traumatic childhood to say the least. Born in the Shoah, during the worst holocaust in our history, Miriam saw her nation and her once amazing, blessed life in the Diaspora fall apart. Her nation was assimilating, they had become successful, they were the elite of their country and they were popping out babies like never before. And in one moment, as generally happens since that time, it all begins to fall apart. It started with small decrees and escalated until we all pretty much became slaves to the culture and what became an oppressive government. But even then she didn’t think that anyone saw what was coming next. The general feeling was, let’s ride it out to the next elections and things will get better. After-all we built this country. It’s ours. They’re not all that bad. But she was wrong.

It started with chucking babies into the Nile. Labor camps followed, mass murder, second class citizens and abuse on all levels. But Miriam was a prophetess. She knew that there would be an end. There was a God that was crying and enslaved with us. There would be a better day and a redeemer that would take us out. Yet, that faith wasn’t beset with challenges. 

See, her father happened to have been the Gadol Ha’Dor. The great Amram was known and accepted spiritual leader. All eyes turned to him for guidance and guess what Daddy just did? He divorced Mommy. He gave up hope. Why have children if they’re all going to be killed anyways? He had a point. He was the leader. He was Daas Torah. And when Amram divorced his wife, all of those faithful Jews started to follow and do the same. The first major divorce and shidduch crisis in Klal Yisrael is unfolding. Children are crying, the women are mourning. But if this is Daas Torah then we must follow.  This trauma as perhaps even worse than the external threat of the Egyptians. And Miriam though wasn’t going to take this sitting down.

In what must have been an incredibly bold and gutsy move, she confronted her father and convinced him to go back. We can’t be worse than Pharaoh, Pharaoh may be killing the males, but what your divorce is doing, Totty, is destroying everyone. We need family. We need marriages. We need children. The redeemer will be born. Daddy, come home please…

And he did.

Not only was Miriam successful in bringing Shalom Bayis back to Klal Yisrael, but she was as well the one person that stood by the river when her brother Moshe of whom she had prophesized about that would be the future leader and watched faithfully to see how Hashem would bring the salvation. One can imagine- or perhaps not watching him being pushed into that crocodile filled river in a small basket. All had given up hope and gone home. But not little Miriam. She was there for her brother and had the final song when ultimately she saw those prophesies fulfilled when she saw him grow up and take us out of Egypt. Has there ever been a better sister? A more faithful prophetess? And yet…

The end of Parshat Beha’aloscha that you guys in chutz la’aretz are still reading tells us about one last trauma in this great woman’s life. Her little brother Moshe is getting divorced. Truth is I’m not sure if he’s divorcing or not, but his wife Tzippora was talking about how he’s never home and how Moshe has abdicated all of his marital responsibilities. He’s gone into his spiritual cave. Now for anyone this would be a big blow, but this is not the first Miriam has been in this situation. It’s all coming back. It’s Egypt again. It’s her father the Gadol Ha’Dor again.. Who knows where this could lead?

So she goes to her older brother Aharon. She tells him what’s going on. She tells him her concerns. And wadda boom wadda bing. She’s a leper. She’s thrown out of the camp. The entire Jewish people wait for her until she can rejoin and Hashem give it to her over the head.

“How dare you speak about my servant Moshe? He’s the most humble man on earth. Everything he does is faithfulness. He’s my man, my servant. Now get out of here.”

Wow! What just happened?

Let’s jump ahead to this week’s Torah portion here in the holy land. The next Parsha that takes place right after this story is of course the story of the spies. Now Rashi begins this parsha with a strange question. Why are these two stories next to each other? This is a strange question, because chronologically this is exactly when this story happened. Where else should we place this story? Even more perplexing is Rashi’s answer which is that the Torah placed it here in order that we understand the sin of the spies.

“Because she was smitten because of the matters of speech that she spoke against her brother and these wicked people saw what happened to her and did not take a lesson from her”

There are a few problems with this Rashi. First of all, is it really that difficult to figure out what the spies did wrong? They bad-mouthed Eretz Yisrael. They tried to convince the Jews to not go there, despite Hashem and Moshe telling us that this was the purpose of our entire Exodus. They talked about going back to Egypt. Really!!?? Do I really need a lesson from Miriam about this?

Second, why are we putting them in the same boat as Miriam? Miriam was a righteous woman. She was a prophetess. We owe our entire Exodus to her. She saved the Jewish family. She saved Moshe. These guys are just bad apples. Rashi even calls them reshaim- wicked ones. Although strangely enough Rashi seems to contradict himself in the next verse and tells us that when Moshe appointed them, they were all righteous. So what’s really going on here? Are they righteous or not? Are they like Miriam or not? What does their sin have to do with the sin of Miriam?

Now granted the easy way out is to explain that they both sinned by speaking lashon hara. But Rashi doesn’t say that even. He says they sinned in iskei diba- matters of speech. “Diba”- rashi defines later on as something that could be positive or negative. Why doesn’t he call the crime like it is? Bad-mouthing Israel. Lashon Hara.

Let’s turn things around a bit. It’s easy for us today to hate the spies and point to other people as being from “their” group. We have a tendency to always associate the bad people in the Torah with others. I would’ve been with Moshe’s team. I would’ve never cried about coming to Israel. There’s a famous story they say about the Kotzker when asked where his soul would’ve been in the fight between Moshe and Korach and he responded that he certainly would’ve been on Korach’s team. Yet, he would’ve even continued the fight afterwards…

Let’s put the time of the story of the spies in its proper perspective and the events that occurred the past year and few months and days. It was really the worst of times. We had left Sinai. We suffered the year before the sin of the golden calf when thousands were killed. The shechina almost left us and Hashem said He wanted to kill us all. Moshe stepped in and saved us, but it certainly wasn’t simple and a done deal.

After that we had, just a few months ago, the people complaining about the lack of meat and Hashem sends a fire and burns up people. Not just people but according to one opinion the entire Sanhedrin. They really should’ve been killed by seeing Hashem and eating by Sinai, but Hashem waited until Kivros Ha’Taiva to kill them. There’s a plague. And then the final trauma comes is when Eldad and Meidad start prophesizing that Moshe as well will die and won’t even be bringing us into the land. Imagine that… the entire Moetzet Gedolei Ha’Torah wiped out. Hashem is wreaking havoc and killing us. And now our one salvation and hope, Moshe Rabbeinu is not even going to be there for us… Does that change the picture for you a bit?

To make matters worse. Moshe sends us into the land to spy it out. Who needs spies? Where are the miracles? Hashem doesn’t need spies to check out the land unless there is something that we need to do. That it’s in our hand. There’s not going to be blood and frogs and sea-splitting miracles. It’s our army. It’s our power. It’s our intelligence gathering skills. Well guess what boys… I don’t think we’re up to the task. Sure it’s a great land and all… But without Moshe and based on our recent track record with Hashem, the new leaders all “kosher” people at the time felt that we’re not up to the task. I think you and I might agree at that assessment. They weren’t speaking bad. They didn’t have bad intentions necessarily, just like Miriam didn’t. Rather they didn’t take the lesson of Miriam who spoke about her brother, and they messed up in “matters of speech”. They aren’t wicked because of their assessment or even their lashon harah- its as Rashi says because they didn’t take Mussar and learn from the story of Miriam.

The five books of the Torah, our sefarim tell us is more than a history book. The Torah is the soul of each and every Jew and our essence can be found in it. The first  Book is the book of our roots, the creation of the world Adam and Chava and the Patriarchs and Matriarchs and the tribes of Israel. It’s our DNA. Shemot is about us moving from being a family into a nation of Hashem that received the Torah and are charged with the mission of history, to bring the world to Hashem and shine out His light from Eretz Yisrael. Vayikra is how we will do that. It’s the sacrifices, it’s the preciousness of each Jew and our service to Hashem and it’s how we can always rise up and achieve purity even when we fall.

The Book of Bamidbar, which fascinatingly enough in Parshat Beha’aloscha is divided into three books is the turning point once again. It’s when we move from Moshe Rabbeinu’s leadership after he appoints the leaders, the Kohanim, and builds the Mishkan in the first part of the Parsha to us becoming a nation that eventually will be without him. We move to the point when we need to find the “Moshe” inside of each of us. He pulled us out of Egypt (as his name translates), now we need to take that eternal spark and finish the job.

Miriam didn’t get that. She couldn’t see the world without Moshe. She saw Moshe as the ultimate redeemer- which in fact our sefarim tell us he would be, as Mashiach will combine the soul of Dovid and Mashiach. Moshe and Mashiach even sound the same- it’s just turning that hei at the end of his name to the completed cheis- the anointed one. With Moshe separating from his wife, Miriam once again saw the redemption and redeemer slipping away from us. Yet, she didn’t realize that Moshe would be in all of us. He is eternal like Hashem is. His spark will live on in the eternal Torah Moshe that each of us have a letter in. That each of us has a connection and power to reveal to the world.

Yet, the spies missed that lesson. They didn’t take the Mussar. Without Moshe, we can’t do it. Kaleiv though gets it. The verse tells us

Va’yas Kaleiv es ha’am el Moshe- he hushed the people to Moshe.

He told them to stop talking. Stop the diba. There’s an internal Moshe that we all possess. We just need to turn off the noise, the fears, the insecurity and hear it. When we do then we will realize

“Alo Na’aleh V’yarashnu osa. Ki Yachol nuchal la- We can surely ascend and conquer it, for we surely can do it.

Rashi tells us he said

“Even if we have do go to the heavens and he will tell us to make ladders and go up there we would succeed with all of his words.”

We have the words of Moshe. We have the Torah. We can do it all because he is always with us. Yet the spies at that moment became wicked. They responded

Lo Nuchal La’a lot el Ha’am ki Chazak hu mimenu- We cannot ascend to the nation, because it is stronger than us.

The sefarim explain that what they were saying, is not that the Canaanites were too strong. After-all they couldn’t be worse than the Egyptians. Rather the nation they were referring to was us. We can’t bring the people up. The yetzer harah is too great- it’s lure, our desires that just wiped out our nation, our continuous pull downwards will not be able to go up. It is stronger than our drive to Hashem. It is Chazak Mimenu.   

And thus we fell. And thus they were killed. And thus that generation did not merit to see the land. Only their descendants would be able to come in. And even those descendants would be one day exiled from Eretz Yisrael and be in galus until today.

In the back of the Siddur after davening, there are a 6 zechirot that many have a custom to recite each day. They include the most important principles of our Judaism and even the secret of what we need to remember to be redeemed. They include remembering our Exodus, remembering the day of Shabbos, our battle against Amalek and the revelation of Sinai. Yet, the odd one that I don’t think most of us would’ve included is to remember this story of Miriam. Yet, the Torah tells us that this is as well up there with the big six. The reason for this, perhaps now we can understand is because the redemption can only come if we take that Mussar of Miriam. If we remember that Moshe, the eternal servant of Hashem is within each of us. Nothing can stand in our way if we have that faith. Yachol Nuchal lo- We can conquer, we can go up, we can build ladders to heavens and connect the worlds. Moshe is within us. We just need to be quiet and hear his voice.

Have an inspirational Eretz Yisraeldikeh Shabbos,

 

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

************************

YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

 

“Der mentsh lernt fri redn un shpet shvaygn-.” A human being learns to speak early and to keep silent late.

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

answer below at end of Email

25) To what direction do the migrating birds go, while passing in Israel in the Autumn?

Which of the following animals is endemic to the Negev and the Northern Dead Sea area?

A) Bat

B) Rock Hyrax

C) Tristram Starling

D) Nubian Ibex

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO OF THE WEEK

 

 

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/good-shabbos    -HEY GUYS... IT'S HERE! CHECK OUT MY LATEST SONG THAT YOU WILL GUARANTEED SING EVERY SINGLE SHABBOS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE... THE NEXT BIGGEST KLAL YISRAEL HIT- DOVID LOWY ON VOCALS AND AMAZING ARRANGEMENTS AND MY FIRST TIME REALLY MAKING UP AMAZING LYRICS... LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK...

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hFqFzTCVDc  - This guy is really cool- actually saw them live in Africa when I was there with my wife a few years ago…

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4BOo-ywDNo    – I just can’t get enough of this Eitan Katz performance with my new favorite song of his V’nacha- the holiest of the holies

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdNS0Tmk-ig  – Avraham Fried- Boker Tov Hashem- latest fun song…

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

 

Four Lepers - 673 BC- The salvation of Hashem comes in mysterious ways, our sages tell us and in the hands of unlikely people. As we discussed we are at the point when all of Israel is starving to death besieged by Aram in the city of Shomron the capital of the Northern Kingdom of Israel. Elisha had prophesized that the next day would bring salvation to the degree that flour and barley which hadn’t been seen in years in the city would be going for dirt cheap there would be such abundance. Yehoram was skeptical and his general even expressed his sarcasm that such a thing could ever occur. Well guess what? It did!!

 

That night Hashem brought down the hail with thunder and lightening that had been sitting plastered up in heaven for over a few hundred years since we left Egypt. Moshe at Pharaoh’s request had asked Hashem to immediately and the hailstones froze in heaven waiting for this moment to come down. The Arameans hearing the noise and the barrage thought they were being attacked and fled in panic leaving everything behind. Yet the Jews remained in their city unaware of the miracle Hashem had performed for them.

 

Yet, there were some people that were outside of the city gates that became the bearers of good news. 4 Lepers who being impure metzoras were not allowed to come into the city. Now the truth is that the law that Metzoras had to remain outside of the camp or city only applied to cities that were walled when the Jews came in Israel with Yehoshua. There are a few of those cities in Israel, Jerusalem obviously being the most famous, but Shilo, Chevron and even Tiverya- or at least the biblical cities of Hammat and Reket that are on the North and South of Tiverya are such cities. Shomron though was built only after we came to Israel by Omri less than a century before. Yet in order to make the city important this was a law that they passed in the city.

 

These four lepers decided that they had nothing to lose during this devastating famine and they decided to head over to what they thought was the Aramean camp. Much to their surprise it was empty. Empty of people that is. Yet, it was full of food, supplies and gold and silver. The lepers were so excited that they started hoarding everything over there. But after a while their conscience got the better of them, or perhaps it was their fear that ultimately the word would get back to Yehoram about what they did, so they went back to the city and reported the incredible sight they had found.

 

Yehoram was still skeptical though, he thought it might have been a trap. But he relented and sent out two chariots to investigate. Sure enough when the soldiers came back and reported the good news of how the entire road from the Shomron down to the Jordan river where seemingly they had fled to was full of the Aramites weapons and animals a rejoicing took over the city. The people flocked down and for the first time in 7 years had plenty. In the haste of course the General that had been skeptical of Elisha and Hashem’s miracle had been trampled- just as Elisha had prophesized. Never doubt Hashem or His prophets. It’s a bad move.

 

Who were these four lepers? Our sages identify them as none other than Elisha’s former student Geichazi who had been inflicted with leprosy after he ripped off money from Naama who had come Elisha to be healed. It would make sense it was him and his three sons as we know he was a greedy guy and those the desire to take all of the money and supplies from the Aramean camp would fit his profile. What an amazing story! It really comes full circle from the story of Naama where it all began all the way back to the end of Aram. Next week we move on to the next great miracle of Elisha.

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRINLE DIVORCE JOKES  OF THE WEEK

What is the number one cause of divorce in America? Marriage.

 

My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid. But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

 

My wife divorced me because I’m a compulsive gambler. All I can think about is how to win her back!

 

My wife is furious that I don’t clean the coffee from the machine after I am done with it. Grounds for divorce.

 

Yankel and his Bella are having an argument again. Bella yells, “Get out of the house, I hate you! I want a divorce, get out now!”

Then, as her Yankel is walking out the door, she screams, “I hope you die a slow and painful death!”

Yankel stops and says, “Hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?”

 

Why did the wife divorce the baker? Because he was too kneady.

 

Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced. It’s as if they were polar opposites.

 

If marriage is grand, what is divorce? Ten grand!

 

Why did the cat get divorced? He was a cheetah.

 

A divorce court judge said to Berel who was divorcing his wife “I have reviewed this case very carefully, and I’ve decided to give your wife $800 a week.”

“That’s very fair, your honor,” he replied. “And every now and then, I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

 

Divorced couples in New York are having trouble deciding who gets the marijuana…The judges have started issuing joint custody.

 

A woman says to her lawyer “I want to divorce my husband.”

“On what grounds?”

“Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.”

“No, that’s not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?”

“Yes, we have a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.”

The lawyer, getting exasperated: “Does he beat you up?”

“No, I’m up by 6:30 and sometimes he doesn’t get up until after I’ve left for work.”

“WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”

“We just can’t seem to communicate.”

 

A dentist and a manicurist decided to get divorced…They fought tooth and nail.

 

Isaac and Sarah got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, Sarah immediately telephoned her mother Leah. "Well," said Leah, "how was the honeymoon, darling?"

 

"Oh mom," Sarah replies, "the honeymoon was fantastic. It was so romantic, and ..and..." Then Sarah starts to cry. "Oh mom, as soon as we got back, Isaac started using terrible language. He said things I'd never hoped to hear, all those 4-letter words. Please mom, get into your car now and come and take me home."

"Calm down, darling," says Leah, "Tell your mother what could be that awful. Don't be shy, tell me what 4-letter words Isaac used."

"Please mom, I'm too embarrassed to tell you, they're terrible words. Just come and take me away," says Sarah.

"But bubeleh, you must tell me, you must tell me what the 4-letter words were."

Still crying, Sarah replies, "Oh mom, he used words like WASH, COOK, IRON, DUST, ..."

 

What did Yoda say to Princess Leia after separating with Han Solo? May divorce be with you.

 

Why did the stockbroker not get upset when her wife divorced her? Because she’s got lots of options.

 

Why did the geologist’s wife leave him? He took her for granite.

 

I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine’s Day and she told me she wanted a divorce. I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much.

 

I divorced my cross-eyed wife. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

 

Why are relationships similar to algebra? Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.

 

Rifka and Beckie are talking about their children. Rifka asks Beckie how her daughter is.

Beckie says, "Not too good. My daughter just divorced her husband. He was a doctor."

Rifka replies "Oh, I am so sorry to hear that."

Beckie continues, "Yes, it is sad. Her first husband, whom she divorced three years ago, was a dentist. But she is OK now, she is dating a handsome lawyer."

Rifka replies, "A dentist, a doctor and a lawyer. Oy Vey! All this naches from just one daughter!

 

 

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.

********************************

The answer to this week”s question is A  - The first part of this question was certainly easy. Been to Africa. Seen the birds that flew south there from Europe and Asia through the Hula Valley which is the 2nd largest bird migration area in the world. Yeah, I knew that one. The problem was part 2 of the question, primarily because I didn’t know what the word endemic meant. I know what pandemic means but not endemic. I thought that it meant that it was natural and native to the area, and I’m pretty sure that is what it means. But the last three are all native to Israel and found in these areas, whereas the bat isn’t. So I just went with bat. Which is the correct answer- but to the wrong question- because they messed up and probably meant to say non-endemic to Israel. See I checked the Hebrew exam and that’s what they actually asked. So I got the answer right- and they should get the answer double wrong. But of course they won’t give you that extra credit, but thank god I don’t need it as the the score now stands at 18.5 for Schwartz and 6.5 for Ministry of tourism on this exam so far.

Saturday, June 3, 2023

The End of the Beginning- Parshat Naso/ Beha'aloscha 2023 5783

 

Insights and Inspiration

from the

Holy Land

from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

"Your friend in Karmiel"

June 2nd 2023 -Volume 12 Issue 33 13th of Sivan 5783

 

Parshat Naso/ Beha’aloscha

The End of the Beginning

It’s over. It was glorious. It was amazing. It was inspiring. There’s nothing like Shavuos in Eretz Yisrael. More than any holiday, here’s where you really feel the Chag Ha’Bikkurim- the festival of the cutting of the new fruits. The spring comes to an end. The hills are full of the first fruits growing. The wheat fields have been harvested. It’s an amazing time of year. Yerushalayim was packed with tourists experiencing the pilgrimage holiday. Just 56 years ago it was right after the 6-Day war when Hashem gave us back the old city of Yerushalayim. We returned to the Kotel and even the Har Ha’Bayis. Although we stupidly and perhaps callously handed back to the Waqf so they can keep desecrating it with their horrible golden pimple. That year thousands returned for the first time in 19 years to celebrate Shavuos at the Kotel. And since then, it’s been tens of thousands annually that come to see Hashem in the Holy place where He will soon return to.

In Karmiel we don’t have the Bais Ha’Mikdash and neither do you in the Diaspora, yet we all feel the holiness of the day when we stay up all night and learn and study Torah. Shacharis after that all-nighter is inspiring in a joyous way. It’s like Ne’ila on Yom Kippur when you are drained but uplifted but without the fear and trepidation of Din and the angst of confessions for all the bad things we did. And there’s cheesecake and blintzes and coffee all night. There’s Rus, there’s the Ten Commandments, songs of Hallel. Sunrise davening. Yes, Shavuos is amazing. Was amazing… But now it’s over. Now what?

It’s another four months or so until the next holiday season. That’s a loooong time. Standing on deck we’ve got fast days. The 7th of Tamuz, three weeks of Mourning, Tisha B’Av and a month of teshuva and selichos in Elul. Pretty depressing. It’s a good time to get away. Maybe come to Israel? It’s not like it’s short days either. The days are long. They’re hot. It kind of makes you wish that we had some good holidays to stick in the middle here. Hey, why not take some of those Tishrei holidays and put them over here. Maybe make 4 days of Sukkos and then have simchas torah and Hoshana Rabba later. Maybe Chanuka? I could eat a latka or a doughnut.

The truth is the Zohar tell us that in fact there were supposed to be holidays here, yet they were divided between Yaakov and Esau. Yaakov took the months of Nisan, Iyar and Sivan and Esau took the next three months. (Yaakov actually grabbed back the month of Elul- so at least it’s not a month of mourning, although no holidays.) And imaginably soon we’re told that when Mashiach comes all of the fast days in these months will be turned to holidays. But in the meantime, it’s a bit depressing. It’s like we entered a new world.

It’s not the first time this has happened to us historically. In fact, as Rav Kook teaches this is perhaps the foundation and basis of everything that the world and our job stand for here. It’s what everything is all about. And to understand what I’m talking about, look at this week’s Torah portion (at least here in Israel) and perhaps you’ll see one of the most troubling and challenging stories in our Torah; the aftermath of Sinai.

It was a year after the first Shavuos. We remembered how we stood by Sinai. We saw the sounds, heard the blasts, we saw Hashem, the smoke. There was not a bird that chirped. It was the perfect silence. Over the year, we had built the Mishkan. We anointed the Kohen Gadol. We had started daily sacrifices, just a month ago. The journey to Israel is on its way. We’re 11 days away. And then boom. It all falls apart. We fall into the basest of desires. Jew want to marry their family members?! We are craving steaks and meat. We remember the tuna fish they served us in Egypt! Really?!! Hashem sends quail and we stuff our faces even though we know it’s gonna kill us? What happened to this holy nation? How does anyone fall so far and so fast?! It doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.

Even stranger to a large degree is Moshe’s behavior He’s obviously perturbed at this state of affairs. Yet, he turns to Hashem and says he’s had enough.

Why did I do so bad in a previous life that you stick me with this people. Why do I have to shlep around this nation? Where should I get meat to feed them from?! I can’t do this alone anymore… Why don’t you just kill me already. Please! I can’t stand to see this evil anymore!

Woahhh… That’s pretty crazy. But yet, it’s all there in the Parsha. Moshe is totally ready to throw in the towel. Yet, Hashem is not ready for that to happen yet. He tells Moshe that there will be Sanhedrin. The men start to prophesize in the camp. According to the Midrash they even start to talk about the end of days and Gog and Magog. On the other hand, there’s death, there’s plague. It’s the burial place of desire- kivrot ha’taava… What is going on?! It’s like the whole world went insane suddenly.

Comes along Rav Kook and explains. He tells us that our sages teach us that from the beginning of time when Adam was created, he was a combination of three souls; Adam, Dovid and Moshe. Dovid of course representing the final kingship of Mashiach. As well we have three eras, the beginning of the world, the era of Torah and the era of Mashiach. Do you know what Matan Torah was? It was a moment in time when we felt the ultimate world of Mashiach. Not a bird chirped. The shechina came down to the world. The whole world witnessed Hashem. It was a perfect world and moment. Yet, it was only temporary. The moment it was over the mountain was no longer holy. The cows and sheep could graze again on that mountain. The world went back to normal. It was over. It wasn’t time yet. But for that second, for that Shavuos, we were there.

When Hashem tells Moshe to take us out Egypt, right here by that mountain at the burning bush when we first meet Mt. Sinai, Moshe doesn’t want the job.

Send the liberation in the hands of the ultimate redeemer, Moshe begs. Make it Mashiach. Don’t take them out and give them a taste and then remove it from them. Yet, Hashem demurs. It’s not time yet. Moshe is the one who is meant to draw us out (translation of the word moshe) of the mud, out of the meitzarim- the straits of Egypt. Mashiach is the anointed one. He is the one that has the purified oil all over him. There is no more mud. There is only kedusha. There is only Hashem. But Hashem is not ready for that era to enter yet. We still have work to do. We need to do the work of Moshe. We need to take the Torah that we were given, that is a taste of the World to Come, and bring it down to the lowest place and shine that eternal light of redemption and raise it up to heaven. And so, we leave that mountain to begin our work.

The workplace is at the lowest point. It’s at basest desires. It’s this filthy, smelly, desire-filled hedonistic muddy place and we start to cry when we hit that rock bottom. We can’t do this. We need Moshe to feed us. We need that light to bring us up. The yeshiva student was taken out of Lakewood or Williamsburg and thrown into red light district of Vegas or Amsterdam and to a world fill of desire and distance and it shakes us to our core. This parsha writes Rav Kook is the meeting place of the soul of Moshe and the soul of Mashiach and their eras. It’s a nuclear reaction.

When Moshe sees this, he’s ready to hand in the keys. My job is over. I don’t have meat to feed the people. My job was to raise them up and bring them to Sinai. It’s time for Mashiach, he tells Hashem once again. Kill me and bring on the final era. It’s the end of the beginning and now it’s time for the beginning of the end.

But Hashem is not ready for that yet. He tells Moshe that there will be sages. There will be scholars. There will be prophets. They will continue to be there for us even after Moshe is gone. They will help us to “bury” those desires. Moshe may die, but Yehoshua will bring us into the land. The process will continue. But with the Torah and the memory of that Shavuos, we have the key that we need to bring that final day. We can bring the day where the whole world is that Sinai experience forever. A day that is entirely Shabbos.

Shavuos is over... but it’s not. I told my shul this past holiday how fascinating it is that we Jews in this generation have a thing about visiting “holy” sites. We have Jews going to Ukraine, to Crackow, to Spain, to any Jewish heritage trip that the travel agent can come up with. Mostly to places where they killed, tortured, murdered and threw us out of, and yet we can’t help but to go back there and support their local economies and get all nostalgic about the “alteh heim” the fish we ate in Egypt. I’m just saying…

Yet, I’ve never heard of anyone making tours to Mt. Sinai. Jabal Mussa. It’s weird right? I mean one would think that would be the top place to visit. It’s there that the shechina came down to the world to. It’s there where the entire world heard the Ten Commandments. It’s there where all of the Jews for the first and perhaps only time in our existence didn’t fight and were all on the same page and connected. Yet, it seems that no one goes there.

There’s an incredible letter by the Lubavitcher Rebbe to a Doctor that visited Sinai as part of the archeological team after 1956 Suez Campaign when Sinai returned to us. The doctor notes how he went to this holy mountain and was astounded that he didn’t feel anything there. Nothing spiritual. It wasn’t a Kotel experience or even a Shilo or Uman experience. It was just empty desert. Hot desert with camels walking around. This bothered him, and he was writing to the Rebbi to understand why he didn’t feel anything. Maybe there was something wrong with his soul that he had no nostalgia for Sinai that awakened in him.

The Rebbi answered him that it shouldn’t be a wonder. There is nothing there. What took place by Sinai was above time, and space. It couldn’t be encapsulated in anything physical and nothing of it remained in the physical world. Yet the power of that moment is all in two places. It is in the Torah that we study and were granted and given access and a connection to there. And it is in the heart and soul of every Jew with whom we are meant to connect with and bring the world back to that moment. That is where we feel Sinai. That is how we move forward after Shavuot.

We are in that final era right now. Shavuot is over and there are no more holidays. There are no holidays because the whole world will be one holiday. After Shavuos, we shouldn’t be looking for islands of festive moments and days amongst weeks of monotony and toil. After Shavuos we are meant to understand that we want Shavuos forever. We want the period of Mashiach. We are charged and inspired with that Torah that we learned all night. We have worked on respecting and honoring our friends after 49 days of Omer and remembering the fall of the students of Rabbi Akiva. We’re ready to final be redeemed.

We have an exciting summer ahead. We really really do. I don’t recommend making any plans that don’t include redemption, wings of eagles neshers, shofars, Mashiach and moving plans. Aliyah plans. The beginning has ended, the end is almost over. It’s time for eternity to finally start.

Have an eternal blissful Shabbos,

 Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

 

************************

YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

 

“Az es vert nit besser, vert memaileh erger.” If it doesn’t get better, it will already be getting worse..

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

answer below at end of Email

24) Recycled water is called:

The oldest sea-water desalination facility in Israel is located near:

A) Ashkelon

B) Eilat

C) Maagan Michael

D) Ashdod

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO OF THE WEEK

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1EQhunv4hc   -Mordechai Shapiro’s latest video Ani Yehudi!

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XIg6ASLPFg    - Great new Eli Marcus song- Dugma!! Lyrics by my very own Dovid Lowy!! Kol Hakavod

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJFMl2FN-nM   – Benzi Stein And Yeshiva beautiful Al Tipol rendition…love these yeshiva choirs…

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVGpZ8fIuSA   – What a gorgeous song. Shulem Lemmer Boruch Levine, Abie Rottenberg a memorial for Reb Zecharia WAllerstien…

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

 

Don’t Doubt- 673 BC- The Jewish people had not repented entirely. Yet as we discussed last week, the famine Elisha had declared was destroying them to the extent that they were literally eating their own children. Literally- mamash… Yehoram rends his garments to daven at to Hashem, yet at the same time he blames Elisha and sends messengers to kill the prophet that he felt was the cause of this terrible tzorah. It seems like a strange dichotomy-but in fact if we look at our own lives many times we make the same mistake. We understand inherently that our troubles are caused by our sins-yet at the same time we point the finger at the individuals on the ground and the politics and politicians and deven Rabbis and leaders that we feel are really the cause and responsible for the bad things that happen to us and our nation.

 

Elisha though, is unintimidated. He tells his students in advance that the messengers of Yehoram are coming to get him and orders them to just slam the door in their face. He then announces that despite their lack of complete Teshuva, Hashem will preform a miracle like never before. Tomorrow, he says their will be so much food, that barley will go for a half a shekel and fine flour will go for one shekel. Now remember just that day, the Navi tells us that people couldn’t even buy bird poop for fifty shek, and the head of a donkey to eat for 80 shek. There was nothing around for 7 years!! And now he’s making the outrageous claim that Hashem will preform a miracle to that degree. It’s hard to swallow, to say the least- excuse the pun.

 

It’s always nice for me when this column works out well with the weekly Torah portion- and this week in the parsha (read here in Israel at least) of Behaaloscha we read about the Jewish people as well complaining about a lack of food and Hashem bringing them so much that they don’t even know what to do with it. It’s not a new deal- this miracle of Hashem that can come in one second and the Torah wants us to never doubt that faith that Hashem can turn it all around in one minute.

 

The general of Yehoram hears this prophecy and is skeptical. He declares that even if Hashem opens up the windows of heaven there can’t be that much food. Big mistake. It’s one thing to doubt and another to state that publicly before the prophet. Elisha turns to him and says that he guarantees it will happen and by the way- you general will never eat from it. Say your last prayers now…

 

Next week we meet our old friend Geichazi who is now a leper and we will learn his place in the next upcoming miracle saga.

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S ETERNITY JOKES  OF THE WEEK

 

Berel goes over to his Rabbi and tells him that he has strong desire to live to eternity

"Get married," replies the Rabbi.

"It's that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"

"Not really, but the desire will disappear."

 

The Satan greets Yankel the know it all in Gehenom and tells him

“This is the lake of lava you will be spending eternity in”

Yankel responds-“ Actually, since we're underground, it would be magma”

Satan “You understand this is why you're here, right?”

 

A lawyer just lost a career making/breaking case so Satan sees this as an opportunity to approach him and make him an offer.

Satan: I will make you the most successful lawyer in history. You will never lose a case again. You will be famous. You will be wealthy beyond your wildest imagination.

Lawyer: What's the catch?

Satan: I want the souls of your parents, your siblings, your spouse, your children and all your future descendants for damnation in hell for all eternity.

Lawyer: Okay, but what's the catch?

 

Brain cells die, skin cells die, hair cells die, but fat cells must be the holiest cells of all because it seems that they were granted eternal life

 

A shekel dies and goes to heaven. At his arrival at the gates of heaven, the Hashem Himself welcomes him while angels play the trumpets. The shekel doesn't believe his eyes as he is being given the most beautiful cloud of all with riches and food and honey for eternity.

The next day the 200-shekel bill dies. He also rises to heaven but there doesn't appear to be anyone. He pushed the gate open by himself but behind it is nobody but one angel playing on his phone. The 200-shekel bill asks for his cloud but is given a little filthy grey rainy cloud. As he tries to make himself comfortable in which is doesn't succeed, he sees the shekel on his right partying with all the angels at his enormous white cloud. Upset he goes to Hashem himself to complain.

 "Why does the shekel get the best cloud while I get this stormy trash? I'm more valuable, right?", he demands

 Hashem responds “yeah, but you we didn't see that much in shul”

 

I am the beginning of eternity, the end of time and space, the beginning of every end, And the end of every place. What am I?

The letter 'e'.

 

My girlfriend and I got in a fight the other day...

After a minute, she said "This is the last straw" and left.

I panicked. I called and texted wondering where she was.

After what felt like an eternity, she comes walking in the front door with groceries. Confused, I said, "I thought you were gone forever? I thought you were done with me."

She said "No honey...I told you...we ran out of straws..."

 

********************************

The answer to this week”s question is A  - Another half right for me. I knew that recycled water is called Mayim Tehorim- purified water. Basically all the sewage water in this country gets sent to these plants where little bacteria eat up all of the poop and makes it quality drinking level water. But, don’t worry, it’s not used for drinking water. Rather it is used for all of the agriculture in this country. So I got that one right. I got wrong the first plant for desalinization. I was pretty sure it was in the South and I went with Ashdod, but the correct answer is that other southern city of Ashkelon. Over a half a billion cubic meters of water is produced a year from Desalination and there are currently 5 plants that take the salt out of the sea water and turn it into quality drinking water that provide almost 70% of the drinking water of Israel. So I got this one half right and the score now stands at 17.5 for Schwartz and 6.5 for Ministry of tourism on this exam so far.