Annual Tetzave Question with an Equally Offensive Top Ten Twist- Purim 2017 / 5777

In-Spites and Provocations

from the

Only Land
from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

"Your friend-that you haven’t contributed to lately- in Karmiel"

March 10^th 2017 -Volume 7 Issue 20 12^th Adar 5777

Parshat Tetzave/ Zachor/ Purim

The Annual Tetzave Question with an Equally Offensive Top Ten Twist

It’s a question I ask every year when we come to Parshat Tetzave. Everybody asks it. There’s not much else to talk about on Parshat Tetzave. Unless you like to talk about the various nuances and secret, spiritual ideas about the clothing of the Kohen. In the Schwartz home clothing is not a topic we like to talk about. My wife has a clothing business and we have clothing jumping out at us from all places in the house. It’s like the frogs in Egypt.

 So we’ll talk about the question of the parsha. Wheeeeere’s…drumroll…. No not Waldo. Or Johnny. Oh I think that’s “Heeeeerrres’ Johnny…” It’s been too long ago to remember. No the question is where’s Moshe? Meaning, as faithful readers of this weekly E-Mail know-Faithful means that you read regularly. More than just the jokes on the bottom or the YouTube clips. Faithful also doesn’t mean those that have sponsored a weekly E-Mail despite my endless nudging and promises. That wouldn’t leave me with too many of you. Faithful are the ones that actually get sucked in to reading one paragraph and then another and another-even as people are banging on the bathroom door for you to get out already, smiling here and there and then being pleasantly surprisingly inspired every so often. You might even waver for a second or two on the link to sponsor one of these things. It’s the thought that counts right J.- Anyways, you guys know that the parsha of Tetzave is the only parsha since the birth of Moshe that does not contain his name. That’s the question of the week. Why not? Where’s Moshe?

Now in many previous years we have offered many brilliant answers to this question. You can click on the following link and check them out http://holylandinsights.blogspot.co.il/search?q=tetzave . While you’re at that blog you can click on the link on the top right hand corner and sponsor a weekly E-Mail or donate money to poor families in Karmiel to be distributed on Purim on our Matanot L’Evyonim Campaign. Or donate to both JJ, that why I and the poor people will be happy. (Please specify which you want it to go for). This year however being that Purim starts right after Shabbos, and I don’t have enough time to write a Dvar Torah E-Mail and a funny Purim annual Top Ten List E-mail, I decided that Purim/Funny/Top Ten takes precedence. Now I know that there is that famous Talmudic and halachic principle of ‘tadir v’she’eino tadir tadir kodem’- that when beset with two things to do and one can only do one of them than the one that comes more often takes precedence. However since on an average week about 400-500 of you open the weekly E-Mail and the Purim one usually gets me a good thousand or so opens, so the other principle of yachid vrabim halacha k’rabim- the law follows the majority- wins. So Purim E-mail wins.

That being said though I figured that this year I would offer alternate reasons why I thought that Moshe’s name was left out of this week’s Torah portion. I will attempt in the process to try to offend everybody equally. That will unite the Jewish people. It is a holy task. One that not many people are qualified to do. But because I have generally been maligned from people from all walks of Klal Yisrael. Each denomination, each political party, feminists, socialists, vegetarians, misogynists, environmentalists, Satmar, Chabad, black hats, small kipas, big ones, knitted ones, those big white ones from Bradley Cohen’s Bar Mitzva or the cardboard ones from the Kotel type of ones. All Jews deny that I have any connection or affiliation with them. Even the Na Na Nachman guys stay away from me and they’ll even dance with Israeli cats. Christians like me though, on the bright side. So basically since I’m pretty much the expert on being ostracized so that makes me the authority on being able to offend everyone equally when it comes to Purim. Welcome to the club.

So here it is with a small prayer to Hashem I stand before you humbled as I embark on giving you my annual long awaited Top Ten List of the Year….drumroll please…. Hey, welcome back all of you that haven’t read this since last Purim it’s good to see you again…oops sorry I got distracted there for a second. OK drumroll….. here it is….

THE TOP TEN REASONS MOSHE’S NAME IS NOT IN PARSHAT TETZAVE

10) It was banned. The name Moshe sounds too much like the female name Mashie and as those who read Charedi newspapers and magazines know it is strictly forbidden to put any pictures of any women in the magazines. This is because somebody might god-forbid come to have inappropriate thoughts about a woman. One might think about the chulent she could make for him, the laundry she could fold, Kollel Rabbis might think about the financial support she could provide for him if he would be married to her. Men would forget about the credit card bills she would rack up for him. The way that she would make him tuck in his shirt. They would forget that she would probably put him on a diet. They would have bad thoughts of solving the shidduch crisis and marrying a women they saw a picture of god-forbid in a newspaper. So it is forbidden. The Shabbat before Purim, the Torah takes Moshe’s name out of the Torah to remind us that even having a name that can be misconstrued as a women’s name can lead one to thoughts of sin. That’s why it’s not there.

9) Moshe Rabbeinu was an illegal immigrant. He was born in Egypt and had to flee the country because he was a criminal accused of killing someone. You know those illegal immigrants and what they can do. He fled to Midian and he married the leader of Midian Yitro’s daughters. Yeah those immigrants just come into countries and steal our women. He then took all the Jews out of Egypt pretty much making us a nation of refugees. Now we’re all in the same boat as him. We were able to come into the land of Israel, because anyways God knew that ultimately this would be the land of illegal immigrants and refugees. If you don’t believe me take a look at all of the criminal activity that takes place in the highest echelons of government here. Yet Moshe the ultimate illegal immigrant was not allowed in to the land. The Divine wall was put up when it came to him. The gates were closed. So his name is left out of this parsha as a commemoration for the one illegal immigrant, our great leader who didn’t make it into the land.

8) Moshe was a great leader that preformed great miracles. He split the sea, he turned the water to blood, the ground to lice, he turned the wild animal kingdom on its head. He wreaked havoc on the entire climate of Egypt by bringing down hail, darkness and plagues. It was awesome. Except as every good environmentalist knows this can cause tremendous damage to the ozone layer. Where do you think that hail came from? Some poor iceberg in Antarctica had to melt for that to happen. Do you think that there are no repercussions to splitting the Red Sea? Do you know how many humpback whales lost their mating grounds? Fuggedabout all those panda bears in the trees that didn’t have anything to hug anymore. This was a terrible thing despite the fact that it saved us from years of slavery and persecution. There is a price to be paid and that price was the removal of Moshe’s name from Parshat Tetzave. This is the portion that talks about the clothing of the High Priest. The clothing that he would wear was not environmentally approved and therefore Moshe’s name was removed from the portion.

7) The reason why Moshe’s name was not mentioned in this week’s Torah portion is really for his own safety. You see right before Moshe died- his yartzeit is always the week of this week’s parsha- he killed the evil terrorist and despot giant and king Og the giant of Bashan. Now according to reporters from CNN- the Chelm News Network- that was present at the time, Moshe who according to the midrash was about 20 feet tall jumped another 20 feet in the air and then with his 20 foot sword hit Og in the knee and felled him and chopped off his head. OK maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, but I’m a tour-guide I have a license to do that approved by the ministry of tourism. Now according to those news reports seemingly Moshe could have jumped only five feet and hit Og on his toe and neutralized him. There was no need to jump the extra 15 feet and hurt Og’s knee in the process. Certainly not to chop off his head. That was disproportionate force. Moshe was censured by all of the top Israeli military officials who were hoping that would get them the Nobel Prize or at least elected to some important government office where people would bribe them and give them free falafels. So it was decided that Moshe’s name would be removed from the Torah portion the week of his death in order to pacify the Arabs of the Bashan where Og ruled. Then they might not be so angry all the time at us…. It didn’t work

6) Moshe was a very wealthy man. It says that he got rich from the dust that the Luchot- the tablets of the Ten Commandments were carved out of. From what I understand there were many people who were willing to pay a lot of money for some of it as they that thought the dust was a big segula to become rich if you mixed it into your chulent or to get married and find your shidduch if you walked around with the dust your shoes for forty days straight and donated to the Kupat Ha’Ir. Little did they know that it was really just a segula to observe the commandments properly although some claimed that it cured athletes foot- Jews never had any desire to become athletes again. Although they did buy sports teams. Anyways Moshe knew that if he brought all that money with him into the land of Israel, the shnorrers would start lining up the second he got to the Western Wall. The government would figure out a way to tax him in on it all. Some really great platinum type of Jewish financial advisers would convince him that they would quadruple his money if they just gave it to them to invest. There would even be some E-Mail Rabbis that would try to hit him up to sponsor a weekly E-Mail. Although he loved Israel with all of his heart. He knew there was Israelis that lived there and that was dangerous. So he didn’t come into the land. As a result of that budget cuts had to be made in the printing of the Torah and Moshe’s name was taken out to save money on ink of the parsha that discusses the donations that were used to clothe the Kohein who worked in the Temple that Moshe’s money didn’t support.

5) Moshe’s burial place, the Torah tells us was never known to any man. This was a good thing and a blessing for him, as no one would ever open up some kiosk selling Moshe memorabilia. You know like bottles of whiskey, remedial oil or arak with his picture on it like they sell of the Rambam, or pictures if him with some funny turban that would ultimately find its way into every greasy shwarma shop in Israel right next to the grill blocking the outdated Kashrut certificate. Or holy incense pipes and hooka bongs that promised to get you as high as the Rebbe nachman guys selling them. It would also prevent all of the sefardim from coming there every night and making loud birthday parties or azkarot, or celebrating their government representative’s release from jail, or basically any special occasion that they save money on by not renting out a hall and just doing it graveside. If you don’t know what I’m talking about you haven’t visited any ancient rabbis’ graves in Israel. This is a problem. You are missing out and I can recommend a good tour guide that can rectify this for you- Back to our list. Anyways this was good for Moshe. But obviously men of these sefardic kiosk guys were upset by this lost opportunity. In addition Kupat Ha’Ir was pretty upset because they couldn’t disturb any great Rabbis and promise that they would go and pray there on your behalf if you just gave them some money. The Breslavers were particularly upset because frankly Uman was getting to be too expensive and a nice trip to wherever Moshe is buried would have been a lot cheaper and closer. So as a result of this Moshe’s name was left out of the Torah portion. They figured if he didn’t tell us where he’s buried so we’re not gonna put a memorial plaque for him in the Torah for at least the week that he died.

4) The truth is Moshe’s name was actually written in the Torah portion. But it seems that there was a certain female presidential candidate that needed some paper to write down the answers to the questions that she stole for her upcoming presidential debate a crib sheet we used to call it. At least that’s what they told me they called it. I wouldn’t know of course. But what happened was that she actually ripped some paper out of the Torah to write the answers on the back. Turns out it was the name of Moshe from parshat Tetzave. Now there were still some more of Moshe’s name that still remained in the parsha but when she feared she was going to be caught she deleted all of the names of Moshe from her account as well. I believe there was close to 33 thousand references initially to Moshe in this week’s Torah portion until she committed this dastardly deed and deleted them all.. I actually found this out because I heard the bugged recordings that were taken from her campaign via Russia. Also somebody tweeted it to me. Believe me. It’s the truth. Nobody tells the truth like I do. Believe me.

3) Moshe’s name was left out of the Torah portion because this week is generally the week when schools begin their registration for the upcoming year. It seems that Moshe was trying to get his kids who actually did make it into Israel in to schools here and there wasn’t one school that would accept his children Some schools heard that his cellphone service to God was actually not via Kosher phone. Somebody had said that he spoke to God face to face which obviously meant that he had Facetime which everyone knows means that he must have had Facebook which is prohibited. Also the Ashkenazi schools thought that he was sefardic and that he would be a bad influence on their children. The chasidic schools didn’t want him because they heard that he had a sister who once ran a choir by the splitting of the sea and that is obviously not modest at all. The Mizrachi and Daati Leumi schools refused to accept him because he did not make Aliya to Israel. He tried telling them that Hashem told him he wasn’t allowed to go. That he would continue to support the Jews and advocate for them from his comfortable grave in the Diaspora. But it was clear that he was not Zionistic enough for them. He tried to get his kids in Lakewood schools; he figured they learned his Torah and he would have some pull there. But it turns out that they just wanted him to donate a building for them there, but ultimately in their eyes he would always be just this guy that at one time used to watch sheep for a living. So as a result of no school wanting to accept his children his name was left out of the parsha as it was left out of the school registration logs.

2) I’m really not even sure if I should write this reason. There are lots of people that are opposed to fake news and I’m scared that if I ever did a press conference about this with my twitter account emboldened on my Kippa I might get shot down by some President. But I am here only to report the news so what can I do. This reason has actually been reported by Al Jazeera, Mein Kampf and the New York Times so it must be true. The reason why Moshe’s name not is not mentioned is because there really was nobody ever called Moshe. In fact there was never anybody that was ever called Jewish. It is a Zionist lie. The entire world was really Palestinian always. Moshe was in fact Musa and he believed in Muhammed and was a faithful Muslim. There were Hebrews that left Egypt with him, but Musa killed them all because they were persecuting Muslims, giving their women all types of rights to vote and drink and actually think. This was very dangerous and Musa left them in the desert. He then gave the land to the Palestinians Allah’s chosen people. The Israelis made up the whole Torah, but Musa came back from his grave and removed his name from this week’s Torah portion. This is true. The United Nations has even declared a resolution acknowledging this fact and condemning Israel for their obvious distortion of history.

And here we go the number one reason why Moshe’s name is not mentioned in Parshat Tetzave…..final drumroll….

1)  Ummmm…there really was nowhere to put it. It just didn’t really fit into anything that Hashem had meant to tell us in this week’s portion. The parsha was really about Aharon, his brother the Kohen and the clothing. Moshe wasn’t a Kohen so he figured he could duck out for this parsha. He decided to take a quick tour of Israel when no one is looking. I know because he called me for the tour. He heard I was lots of fun and knew where the best restaurants were. I would tell you more, but there is tour guide- tourist confidentiality clause that I have with all my clients. What happens on a Schwartz tour stays on a Schwartz tour. However for a sponsorship of my weekly E-Mail I have been known to ‘leak” information here and there. I am Israeli now and for the right price anything can happen.

So there you have it. The 2017 Top Ten list of the year. I want to apologize personally to anyone that I did not offend in this E-mail. I really tried to get everyone in here. But I’m only human. And as the saying goes you can’t offend everyone all the time. But jokes aside I do feel the need to at least share with you one real reason why Moshe’s name is not in this week’s parsha. Our sages tell us that Haman rejoiced when the date for the genocide of the Jews fell out in the month of Adar. For he knew that it was the month that Moshe died. Yet our sages tell us that he didn’t know that it was also the month he was born. One of the great Rabbis explain that it wasn’t the physical birth of Moshe that Haman didn’t know when he was born. After-al if he knew when Moshe died why wouldn’t he know when he was born? Rather what Haman didn’t realize was that when Moshe died his soul was connected to each and every one of us. We all have that little piece of Moshe within each of us, the Zohar tells us. Moshe instilled in each of us the power to be Moshe-which in Hebrew means to pull forth, to bring out. He was given his name because he was pulled out of the Nile. We each have the power to pull ourselves and the world with us out of the abyss. We each have the power to share the Torah that he taught us and gave us in a unique way that only each Jew can do.

We need to see the Moshe in each of us. The week that Moshe dies, when it looks like he is dead and no longer here the Torah portion begins with the word V’Ata Tetzave-And you shall command. The Torah portion is not just called tetzave it is called V’Ata- and you. It is us. We are the Moshe’s. Haman thought Moshe was gone but the truth is he was just being born. Where is he? In you. In us. In me and in every single one of you that made it this far in the E-mail. And even the ones who didn’t or who won’t or who aren’t even on the list. Any list. We are all Moshe. We are all commanded and have the power to share those commandments. It is our destiny. Our Eternity.  We may have to drink a little to see past all of our differences, all the walls, all the lies, the prejudices, the arguments, the fights, the hurt and the pain. But it’s already. It’s Purim. It’s a mitzva to drink. As long as the end we find the real you; The Moshe in each of us. Mishenichnat Adar Marbin B’Simcha is a great song to sing. It starts of Misha Misha Misha Misha. Here’s a tip start singing it Moshe Moshe Moshe Moshe I guarantee it will be Marbin B’Simcha

Have ecstatic joyous festive and funny Shabbos and an awesomely super Purim,

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

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RABBI SCHWARTZ’S FAVORITE YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

“Vos bei a nichteren oif dem lung, iz beim shikker oif der tsung”.- What a sober make keep inside (his lung literally), a drunkard has on his tongue

RABBI SCHWARTZ COOL VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

https://youtu.be/3AmJZa6tiAs    -Each man shall be the ruler of his house song..dream…Oora!

https://youtu.be/kdbAfF1_DAA  – Great Purim rap song with the whole Megilla…

https://youtu.be/nUASy-VeK-o  –If Trump could be the Nasi in Hebrew funnnnnyyy..

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

answer below at end of Email

Q.  Why does Rabbi Schwartz feel the need to share these dumb questions with us every week?
a. His E-Mails are too short and he really wants you to work hard to get to the jokes on the bottom which is all you really want to read anyways.
b. He wants to show off how impressive his knowledge of Israel is so that you will hire him when you come here. He thinks you don’t know that he is just googling these answers.
c. He wants to help all of his tour guide readers memory of al of the stuff that we deleted from our memory the second we got our license.
d. It’s three O’Clock in the morning when he’s writing this. It’s easy cut and paste. Why not?

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ILLUMINATING RASHI OF THE WEEK

Now the Parsha is meant to not only teach you lessons for your day to day life. It is like reading your horoscope and daily Divine self-help for what you need for each week. Rashi is like that deeper commentary as well that can often shed light on questions that may trouble you as well, if the parsha is not cutting it for you. Try it with Rashi and you may be surprised. Being that this week is Purim and the main question and mitzva that we prepare ourselves for on this great holiday is of course how much can I drink and what justification can I have for getting totally plastered, it was important for me to find a source in this weeks Parsha to engage in this ancient custom. Truth is it is a troubling custom for most. After-all isn’t drinking a bad thing. Perhaps Purim even more than any other time one might object to drinking. Wasn’t the whole reason why it was decreed that we should be punished because we feasted and drank at the party of Achashveirosh. We should be fasting…forget about wanton eating and drinking. And then Rashi saved me. Rashi and the MaHaral of Prague that is.

This week the Torah tell us at the end of the parsha when it discusses the inauguration of the Mishkan/tabernacle that an offering of a cow should be brought. Rashi notes on this verse that

Shemot (29:1) One cow- to atone for the sin of the golden calf which was a cow.

There is a problem with this though for the Talmud tells us that the reason why we don’t use a shofar of a cow on Rosh Hashana is because “The accuser cannot become the defender. We sinned with the golden calf so we don’t want to use a cow to seemingly invoke repentance for us. It is for this reason as well why the Kohen Gadol doesn’t wear any golden garments when he goes into the holy of Holies on Yom Kippur. Gold is bad it. It is the accuser of the golden calf. So why would we use a cow here to atone for the sin.

The Maharal of Prague explains that the accuser cannot become the defender on another case only. Meaning that on Rosh Hashana we want to king God with the Shofar. Well, the cow horn is the wrong thing to use for it will remind Hashem of the golden calf. Similarly on Yom Kippur we don’t want to use the “murder weapon” of gold while we are trying to atone for other sins. No need to bring up bad memories. On the other hand when we are coming to atone for the sin of the golden calf specifically then it is appropriate to use the tool with which we sinned with for a mitzva, thus rectifying our sin. Similarly in Parshat Chukat where we use the red heifer to purify us from the impurity of death that we incurred with the sin of the Golden Calf, Rashi notes that the mother should come and clean up the mess of her child; the calf. Here as well the Tabernacle was built to atone for the sin of the golden calf so it is only appropriate to use it to fix the problem, upon in its inauguration.

What does this have to do with drinking? It’s obvious isn’t it? We need to atone for the drinking and reveling by the party of Achashveirosh. The best and really only way to do that is by using the substance that brought us to sin, that brought us to violate the vessels of the Temple during that feast and elevate it. Use it, drink it, more and more in celebration of Hashem. In the joy of the mitzva. The joy of the teshuva. L’Chaim!

Rav Yehuda Loew –The Maharal of Prague  (1525 -1609) Rav Yehudah Loew of Prague, also known as the Maharal, was one of the outstanding Jewish minds of the sixteenth century. He wrote numerous books on Jewish law, philosophy, and morality, and developed an entirely new approach to the aggada of the Talmud. The Maharal rejected the idea that boys should begin instruction at an early age, insisting instead that children be taught in accordance with their intellectual maturity.

He was held in great esteem by his contemporaries and has had a profound impact on all streams of Judaism. Rav Kook stated that the "Maharal was the father of the approach of the Gaon of Vilna on the one hand, and of the father of Chasidut, on the other hand." Rabbi Shneur Zalman, founder of Chabad Chasidism, and a direct descendant of the Maharal, bases much of his famous work - the Tanya - on the teachings of his great grandfather.

Ironically, he is credited with the creation of a golem, an activity he would probably have opposed. A golem is a human figure created from clay and brought to life by use of the Ineffable Name of God. Since the letters of that name were considered to be the original source of life, it is thought possible for one knowledgeable in the secrets of the Divine Power to use them to create life.

The Maharal was said to have created a golem to protect the Jewish community from Blood Accusations. It was close to Easter, and a Jew-hating priest was trying to incite the Christians against the Jews. The golem protected the community from hard during the Easter season. However, the creature threatened innocent lives, so the Maharal removed the Divine Name, thus rendering the golem lifeless.

The Maharal was very active in community work. He did much to improve social ethics. He was a far-seeing educator whose many ideas for educational reform struck deep chords in many people.

His resting place in the Old Jewish Cemetery in Prague is still visited today by thousands of people.

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RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TYPES OF JEWS IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

“Iranian/ Persian Jews” –It is probably one of the oldest Jewish communities in the world. The Persians date themselves living there consecutively from the exile of the ten tribes during the first temple over 2700 years ago. Today it still has the largest Jewish population outside of Israel with over 25,000 Jews there as of 2009 although today that has dropped to less than 6,000. During the peak of the Persian Empire at the story of Purim time it was estimated that Jews were 20% of the population. To give you a sense of what that means. Jews barely make up 3% of the American population today! And we still have a koshe kitchen in the white house! Not bad. Anyways Persian Jews as they prefer to be called rather than Iranian.By the beginning of the State of Israel there were over 100,000 Jews in Iran. By 1978 over 60,000 had made Aliya emptying the country of Jews by half. Most of them were pretty poor and they struggled and got a reputation of being very cheap watching every penny or shekel. Lots’ of good jokes about them and Yemenites for that matter as well. After the revolution in Iran in 1979 about another 50,000 left half of them to the US. There they became very successful. Mostly selling carpets in Great Neck. The other half came to Israel and opened up Shwarma stores. Today Jews who once felt that had they freedom in Iran are finding it more and more difficult to survive and observe their traditions. Attempts to distance themselves from the “Zionist  Satan” are not working. It’s time for the rest of them to come home.

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S VERY YESHIVISH ORTHODOX MEGILLA JOKES OF THE WEEK

You will only get these if you are orthodox and know the lines in the Megilla by heart ish

Q. How do you know that Vashti had two mothers?

A. Because it says ‘Gam Vashti Hamalka Asasa “Mishteh” Nashim’ ( And Vashti made a mishteh (literally feast but also can be read shtey as in two) women.

Q. How do you know that Haman’s Jewish name was Mayer Veiss?

A. Because the King told him ‘Mayher kach es ha’lvush vei’s ha’sus’-( Quick get the horse, but pronounced Mayer)

And when they hung his sons they called them by their last names ‘Parshandasa Vi’ess , Astapsha Veiss, Adalfo Veiss…’ ( It says V’Es which means and-also read veiss if your chasidish

Q. How do you know that Achashveirosh had two mother-in laws and what were their names?

A. It says ‘v’chamato b’oara and it says vchamato shachacha (literally his wrath burned and his wrath was forgotten) Chamato also means mother-in-law so it seems he had two one called Bo’ara the other one was Shachacha

Q.Why did Mordechai care if they poisoned Achashverosh that he felt that need to snitch on Bigsan and Seresh?

A. Mordechai figured that if he snitched there would be two dead anti-semites (Bigsan and Seresh)  rather than the one dead one Achashveriosh. And a Jew can’t avoid a deal like that!

Q.The midrash tells us that Haman had 202 sons Rov Banuv it says were hung- rov is gmeatria 202) So why does it say only the names of 10?

A. We had mercy on the Baal Koreh/reader that he would have to say them all in one breath.

q. What was the first miracle of the Megilla?

A. That a Persian made a party!

Yankel was sitting at the bar and drinking. He had two cups in front of him and would down one and then the other. He would then order another two and do another two at a time. And repeat. Shmerel saw him and asked what he was doing. He said that he was drinking one for him and one for his friend in jail who couldn’t have one. A few days later he saw him again in the bar and noticed that he was only downing one at a time. He went over to him and congratulated him. “Mazel Tov”, he said “I see your only drinking one drink at a time. Was your friend let out of jail?” Yankel answered “No  He’s still there. I stopped drinking. Now I only drink for him.!”

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Answer is All of the above – You really did not read all the way down here until the end to look for the answer to this question did you? Man you really don’t want to get reatdy for Purim and help out do you… You can delete now. But don’t forget to click on our link. You know what’s waiting for you there….$$$$

Shnor Letter- Teruma 2017/ 5777

Insights and Inspiration

from the

Holy Land
from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

"Your friend in Karmiel"

March 3^rd 2017 -Volume 7 Issue 19 5^th Adar 5777

Parshat Teruma

Shnorr Letters

How’s this for a fundraising letter. We are making an appeal to all of our readers. We only want donations from people that want to give what their hearts inspire them to give. We need flour, sugar, yeast, oil, poppy seeds, chocolate, vanilla and lots of jelly of assorted flavors. You know strawberry, apricot, raspberry and cherry the usual stuff. Oh yeah I forgot to mention, we’re making Hamantash. Hamantash is important. It is the cookie that we eat on the holiday of Purim. It is what keeps all the wine we will drink down. It is bad to drink on an empty stomach. These hamantash are very important because we have to give them to everybody for Shalach Manot. They will fill up people’s fridges and freezers and be dessert and the kids snacks for the next month until we burn the leftovers before Pesach. The Schwartz family manages to finish them all though. OK, not really the family. Just me and Tully. Anyways will you contribute? How does that sound to you for an appeal letter?

Or how about this one. We are making an appeal to the congregants of our shul. We would like you to donate some beans, barley, potatoes, meat, ketchup, honey and pretty much anything else you can throw together. This is of course for our weekly chulent. Chulent is important. It is the essence of Shabbos. It is what keeps us going through the whole davening as its heavenly smell wafts through the shul. Without it even more people would leave by the Rabbi’s sermon and daven in the quick back minyan. After-all for just some soda and cake it’s not worth hanging around. Chulent is what allows us to sleep all Shabbos afternoon. It prevents the desecration of Shabbos because who can move or do anything after chulent. It is important do you think you can help us out with the above requests. Are you inspired?

 Let’s try one more. We would like everyone who’s hearts motivate them for a special unique opportunity of a lifetime. We need bricks, wallpaper, plaster, marble tiles, wood, carpet lighting fixtures, kitchen appliances, bathroom fixtures, windows and tables and chairs. All of this will of course be for our brand new synagogue that we are about to build. This will be a house of God. A place for Jews to pray, congregate, learn Torah, light up the world and of course eat chulent and hamantash. What do you think you can cough up for this campaign? {We do not have a current synagogue building campaign, I’m just practicing for when the city here finally comes up with the building that they promised us two years ago}

Now I imagine you have spotted the problem with all three of these appeals. I imagine this is true because I know the readers of this weekly E-Mail have been on either the receiving or writing end of one of these letters and many of you have the pleasure of being on both ends. We’re Jews. Half of our weekly mail are what my mother calls “shnorr letters”. Every Jewish magazine and newspaper as opposed to regular goyishe gentile ones are filled 70% with ads for charities for different causes. The other 30% are kosher hotels and cruises for Passover, Sukkot and holidays and food ads. Goyish magazines are filled with clothing ads, with deodorant, soaps, perfumes and cool new toys and cars. There market is for people who want to smell good, look good and play good. We just want to eat and either give or get charity it would seem. These ads must work-although I confess that I personally have never given charity to an ad I saw in a paper, despite the promises that very important Rabbis will stop studying their Torah that is holding up the entire world in order to travel to Eastern Europe or other grave of some Rabbi or holy place in order to pray for me. Although I have donated online to E-Mails that I am inspired by each week..ahem ahem… particularly the ones that make me smile every so often and that have changed my life and go to support a wonderful community in Northern Israel. But the method of making an appeal is generally to talk about the great needs, the purpose that your money will help, the families, the orphans, the students, the schools, the army, the victims of terror, the young brides that need to get married and the yeshiva teachers that need to get paid. At the very end the choices of what you can give to are listed. 18,000 for the building name, 10,000 for the Beit Midrash dedication, 5,000 for the kitchen, 1,800 to be a partner, 1,000 for a friend 180 you’re just a nice guy that somehow made it on our list and we thank you. That’s the way to do it. Those are the standard letters you receive. The pitches the guys who come to your door will give you. They’ll show you pictures of kids- hungry ones, buildings that need to be built, and people you will be helping. Not so the Torah though. Hashem it seems has a different style.

This week’s Torah portion introduces us to Hashem’s first building campaign and appeal. Yet strangely enough much like my sample fundraising letters above it does not tell us what the campaign is for until after the pitch of the ingredients that will be needed. Here it is

Shemos (25:2-7) “Speak to the children of Israel and take for me teruma- a portion from every man whose heart shall motivate him you shall take my teruma. And this is my portion which you shall take from them gold silver, copper and blue, purple and scarlet wool, linen, goats hair and ram skins that are dyed red and shittim wood, oil for the light spices for the anointing oil and for raising the smoke of the incense; shoham stones and filling stones for the ephod and the choshen.”

Fifteen items in all. But what is this all for? What are we making here?

(25:8) “And you shall make me a Mishkan- dwelling place and I shall dwell amongst them”

Strange isn’t it? Why is this not the introduction? Even the name of our Torah portion is strange. It should be called the Mishkan. After all the entire portion talks about what the vessels and the building will look like and how it should be made. Why is it called Teruma- donation or portion? Last week was called Mishpatim- laws and that’s what the parsha was about. The previous parsha was B’Shalach of pharaoh sending us out of Egypt. It makes sense. It’s a good title. Why is this parsha called Teruma?

The truth is the Book of Shemot can be divided in to three books. Kind of like Star Wars I guess (l’havdil). The first part is our slavery in Egypt. The second our Exodus and the revelation at Sinai. The third which begins this week is our building of the Mishkan. On a deeper level this book called Shemot names is about us, the Jewish people finding and receiving our soul, our essence our neshoma. It begins with the Jewish people’s descent to the 49^th level of impurity, we are slaves, we are the lowest of the low and the shechina the divine presence has pretty much disappeared. It’s as hidden as it can be as Jewish babies are thrown into the nile and we are persecuted for close to two centuries. The Exodus is the return of that shechina to this world in a fabulous and miraculous manner. Plagues, sea splitting, Manna it is clear as day that the shechina has return. The Heavenly Empire Has Struck Back. The pinnacle of course is the revelation of Sinai. We heard Hashem, we accepted His Torah, our souls flew up and we were created anew. Part II has ended.

 The third part begins this week. Mount Sinai, after all of the great revelation that took place there returned to be a regular mountain Jabbal Musa as it is called today in the Sinai desert. Where is the shechina? What happened to it? Welcome to the Return of the Jedi Yehudi. (bet you never knew that Star Wars had so many Jewish themes. That’s what happens when you watch it again and again and again). Parshat Teruma. The shechina now is meant to be uplifted and is found amongst us. The word teruma my portion is the same root as the word in Hebrew to uplift. In the last part Hashem came down to us. Now it is up to us to bring the world back up to him. How do we do that? With our gold, our silver, our goats hairs, our spices, our oil to anoint and to light up the night. It’s our chulent and our hamantash. Every physical thing that we have in this world is meant to be uplifted. To be used in the service of Hashem. Hashem doesn’t need a house. It’s really quite comfortable up there in heaven. We need Him to dwell amongst us. It’s why we are here. It’s what we are here for. It is the soul of our people that the entire world has been waiting for to show it how we are meant to uplift it. There is no name more appropriate and there is no appeal that is better written to achieve that goal then what is described in the Torah. Bring me everything that you can that you your hearts are desiring to uplift. There is nothing too small. There is no Jew that won’t have something that they can contribute. That won’t have something that they are meant to bring up to Hashem. That they can help build His palace, His home here in the Holy Land. Here where it will shine out to the rest of the world from.

What an awesome Torah portion to begin the festive month of Adar with. We began last week reading about the annual donation of each Jew of a half shekel for the upkeep of the Temple. Each Jew no matter who is part of this. Has a shekel Hakodesh a holy coin that he and only he can bring. On Purim each Jew is obligated to make sure that everyone has something to celebrate with. We are all dressed up. There is no rich, no poor, no scholarly, no simple. We’re all holy and we raise the whole world with the greatest joy that can be achieved when we eat, when we drink, and when we drink more and even some more. For it is all for Hashem. It is celebrating that He is amongst us. The month of joy ends with the description of the completion of the Mishkan and the 7 days of its inauguration. May we merit to see it fully rebuilt and restored.

Have an even happier Shabbos,

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

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RABBI SCHWARTZ’S FAVORITE YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

“Tsvai shnorrers kenen kain ain shabbes nit machen..- Two beggars together cannot afford to prepare for one Sabbath”

RABBI SCHWARTZ COOL VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

https://youtu.be/iObmDYUQa5g   -Ki B’Simcha- who teaches these guys to dance

https://youtu.be/nF-Nggawuuk – Kol Zman Shaneshama BKirbi- beautiful motty Shtiemetz

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rU2oOKSf2do –Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach The Gevalt Purim  story

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jtNvibEnWRc  - Pretty genius and funny Purim Kiddush

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK                                      

answer below at end of Email

Q.  The Abbasid Dynasty ruled the Land of Israel during the following centuries:
a. 8th-10th
b. 7th-11th
c. 9th-13th
d. 13th-14th

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ILLUMINATING RASHI OF THE WEEK

We have noted over the years that our sages tell us that that one can understand the Torah on four different levels. PaRDeS pshat- simple understanding, remez- Hints and allegories drasha- deriving stories and insights from the text and Sod- the secret, mystical understandings. Rashi as we noted is coming to teach us the simple pshat understanding. He will sometimes use midrash, remez and very rarely mystical explanation if at all, but only if that is important to understand the simplest pshat. Now the translation of the words of the text are not the only clues to what it is coming to tell us. Sometimes the words are not enough. They can be explained in multiple, alternate explanations. Another clue to use is the trop; the notes and the stop and start points of how it is meant to be read, the punctuation that has been passed on by tradition in how to read the verses. This week we can see how reading a Rashi properly can sow us that he uses that method as well. At least according to the Yad Malachi

The verse in our parsha says in its description of the menora

Shemos (25:34) And the Menora should have 4 goblets decorated, its knobs and its flowers.

Rashi notes our sages teach us that

This is one of five verses whose reading cannot be determined. It is not known whether the verse is saying “decorated goblets” or decorated with its knobs and flowers”.

The Degel Yehuda notes that this seems to be the only place of the five that Rashi mentions this. If this is essential seemingly in explaining the pshat why wouldn’t Rashi note this by the other five places as well?

He quotes the Yad Malachi who writes a whole thesis how these 5 places that are mentioned in where the text can be explained in two ways, can in fact be determined by the punctuation; the trop. For example one of the “timely” verses is in describing our first battle with Amalek. There the verse says

Shemos (18:9) And Moshe said to Yehoshua ‘Choose men for us and go do battle with Amalek tomorrow I will stand on top of the hill with the staff of Hashem in my hand’

So there the verse can be read either he should do battle tomorrow or that he should do battle immediately and that tomorrow Moshe will stand on the hill. However since in the trop and punctuation there is an etnachta- comma under the word tomorrow we can determine that the verse is read do battle with Amalek tomorrow; I will stand on the hill… That the battle is meant to happen the next day when Moshe will be on the hill. So the Yad Malachi shows that the punctuation can really clarify the verse in almost all of the verses, until of course you get to ours of the Menora where the punctuation still leaves it unclear. There is no comma. So now what does it mean. It is for this reason why Rashi only notes here that there is no determination. So although all five cases can’t be clarified by the translation of the words. It is only here that it can’t even be explained according to the trop either and therefore Rashi only explains it here. Rule to learn and remember to self whenever Rashi quotes something that he suggests is a pattern in a few places. Check out the other places as well. See if he mentions it there as well. If he doesn’t then think about it a bit. He’s certainly trying to teach us something.

Rav Malachi HaCohen –The Yad Malachi (1700 -1771) Perhaps one of the greatest Halachic authorities of Italy in the 18^th century. One the great Rabbi’s of his time wrote of him “Every reader of this book will be amazed by the way this living lion, the high priest.....dives in the mighty waters, the sea of the talmud. No secret is hidden from him" He served as the Rav of Livorno and decided on questions of national significance as questions came to him from all over the world. His work the Yad malachi deals with all of the  rules and technical terms found in the Talmud, with explanations; part two deals with rules regarding the codifiers; part three deals with the rules relating to legal decisions, explaining certain general principles of legal response. It was his ruling as well in regards to the blessing on chocolate that came out in that era. The Sefer Torah he wrote became the authoritative reference of Torah scrolls.

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TYPES OF JEWS IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

“Chapperim” –If one wanted to complain about Israel’s and Israeli’s I would venture to say that the greatest offenders which garnish the most amount of frustration from people are the “Chapperim”. {Pronounced with the letter Chet in Hebrew like Chupa not the C and H like chulent. What are chapperim? They are the Israeli equivalent of the cheap “fix-it man. Except generally they don’t ever fix or do things the way you want them to do it, if at all. The word comes from the Yiddish word “chap” which means to grab. These guys try to grab as much as they can from you and grab as many different fields as they can. The same guy will tell you that he can fix your bath, your roof, your car, your computer, your garden. You name it he can fix it. Not only that but these guys are great and experts at telling you with quite a bit of confidence that everything you have had done until now was terrible and that you should replace this and this and that. And he’s been doing this since he was 6 years old and he knows exactly the right way to fix it, build it and replace it. The problem is he’s is being quite honest with you. At least about his experience. He has been doing this since he was 6 years old and he hasn’t gotten any formal training since then and he will absolutely fix it as well as your 6 year old. Including not cleaning up the mess after himself. Now some of them can do one thing right. The problem is that it makes them think they can do everything. So just because he did a good job installing your shower does not mean you should have him install walls on your porch and roof to enclose it so that your wife could sell clothing from there and have a store there. Not that I would be talking from personal experience or anything of course. The Roof will leak. Because that what he is good at making showers that bring water into the house. Not keeping water out. There are chappers that are mechanics that are computer guys they are everywhere. The rule in this country is and it is more often than not the rude awakening to many Anglos that move here that they are no longer in Kansas Dorothy- is that it is Caveat Emptor- buyer beware. Get references from anyone who he has worked for before for the specific thing that you are having him do for you. Try to get a a guy and its even worth the money to pay for a professional. Trust me it will cost you less in the long run. Never ever ever pay in advance until you see he has completed the work to your satisfaction. Once these guys get their money they will leave and never come back to finish the job. In their minds an 85% job is really good enough. Never rely on what you told them you wanted done, and certainly not on what they told you they would do. They don’t care. Get it in writing. Don’t’ get suckered in to changing or doing other things once they started. They are chappers. They will try to chap as much as they can. Perhaps it’s because we are such a smart people and also not necessarily such a handy one that we are very prone to rely on what these people tell us. But if you ask me the chapper phenomena is certainly one of the least pleasant here in Israel. Although most of them really are very nice people, that mean well. The really think they can do the job. They really think they are giving you a bargain and good advice. Which of course makes it so much harder when we fall and crash or the house does when they’re done. We pay them anyways. We feel bad. And ultimately we blame ourselves. They chapped us. Oh well. Welkam to Eezrael.

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE SHNORRER JOKES OF THE WEEK

What is it you are praying for?" asked the rabbi's wife. "That the rich should give beggar alms to the poor," said the rabbi. "Do you think God has heard your prayer?" "I'm sure God has heard at least half of it," said the rabbi. "The poor have agreed to accept." 

 A man is walking through a forest pondering life. He walks...ponders...walks...and ponders. He feels so close to nature, and even close to God, so close he feels that if he spoke God would answer. So he says, "God, are you listening?" And God replies, "Yes my son, I am here." So the man stops and ponders some more. He looks towards the sky and says, "God, what is a million years to you?" God replies, "Well, my son, a second to me is like a million years to you. "So the man continues to walk and ponder...walk and ponder. Then he looks to the sky and again says, "God, what is a million dollars to you?" God replies, "My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little. "So the man looks down, ponders a bit, then looks up to the sky and says, "God, can I have a million dollars?" And God replies, "In a second."

Opening his front door, the Rabbi found himself face to face with the local priest. "Rabbi, may I have a few words with you?" asked the priest.

"Of course, Father," replied the Rabbi somewhat nervously.

"Rabbi," began the priest, "It must be evident to you that in this town we are plagued by thieves. Scarcely a day passes without one of my flock coming to me bemoaning the fact that his house has been broken into. On the other hand, I have noticed that thieves do not bother you Jews nearly as much."

"Father, you are correct."

"Yes, but why is that?" inquired the priest.

"Look at this little box here on the side of my doorpost" said the Rabbi. "It's called a mezuza. We Jews believe that when we put a mezuza on the entrances to our houses, the Holy One, may His Name be blessed, protects both us and our property."

"In that case", replied the priest, "I must have one!"

Not wishing to be the cause of an incipient pogrom, the Rabbi reluctantly handed over a mezuza to the priest.

Some two weeks later the Rabbi was awakened by the sound of someone pounding violently on his door. Dressing himself hastily, he made his way down the stairs. "Who's there?" the Rabbi asked tremulously.

"Open the door! Open the door!" screamed a voice on the other side.

Leaving the door on the latch, the Rabbi cracked the door wide enough to see the priest standing in front of him, his eyes wild with great distraught.

"What happened?" asked the terrified Rabbi, "Robbers?"

"No, even worse!" screamed the priest, "Schnorrers!"

True Story- My Father-in-Law told me. In Israel the custom was (is?) that for a son-in-law that was on the track to study for all his life and become a great Rabbi his father-in law would give him an apartment for a dowry. The better the boy the more rooms that apartment would have. While the going rate for the top boy was about 4 bedrooms. Yankel, who was the shnorrers for the local yeshiva would give his son-in-laws five bedroom apartments. When my Father-in-law asked him how he was pulling this off he explained quite rationally

“See I did the math. For me to raise the money that I need for an apartment I have to go to America and collect funds. To collect enough money for a four bedroom apartment takes me about 4 months. I thought about it for a bit and I has this incredible epiphany. If I stayed for another month I could get my children a 5 bedroom apartment. What type of father would I be, If I would not stay and collect for another month so that my children should have an extra room in their apartment. What type of Father would I be?!

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Answer is A – Ok I really stink at the different Muslim periods and names in Israel. I mean who really cares? An Arab is an Arab is an Arab. Does it make a difference if he is an Ayubi, an Abassid, a Fatimid or a Umayan? None of my tourists will ever really care and so therefore I never really got them straight. The Muslim period in Israel was pretty much from Mohammed in the 7^th century until the Crusaders in 1099 and then a little after that again until the Mamaluks- who I always remembered because they had funny names who were from the 13^th century until 1517 when the Turks come. Anyone that has been on my tours know this pretty much and it’s as deep as anyone really needs to get in my opinion. So that being the case there is some process of deduction on this question. The answer is not C or D because the 13^th century was already the Mamaluks with the funny names. Which leaves A or B. now since I know there was more than one Arab dynasty in the 400 years from the 7^th-11^th there was at least 3 or four so the correct answer must be A- The Abbasids were here for the 8^th through 10^th. See I figured it out and I still don’t’ know or care which group of Arabs these are.