Insights and Inspiration
from the
Holy Land
from
Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz
"Your friend
in Karmiel"
February 12th 2021 -Volume 11 Issue 18 30th
Shvat 5781
Parshat Mishpatim / Shekalim
Miracle Cure
Everybody wants a miracle cure in life. It's not just people that are sick
that are hoping for some miracle cure that will heal them. It's even people
that have ready and accessible shots, vaccines, or even pills that can relieve
them of their medical issues. It's just nicer and cooler if there were some
magic spiritual words that they could say, some grave they can pray at, some
pushka that they could drop a few coins in and Poof! all better.
Wouldn't that be nice?
But it's not only for medical issues. It's for all of our problems in life. Parnassa
(making a living), children issues, parnasah, shiddduchim issues, parnassah,
stress, parnassa, family issues, parnassa… It's not like I have
anything in particular on my mind, wouldn't it be nice if they could all go
away with a click. Just slide and delete them from our lives like I do my
E-Mails on my phone. But life doesn't really work that way it seems. Although
all of those ads in my Torah periodicals and E-Mails which I get, that promise
the world if I just donate to their cause make me think twice about it every
now and again. I mean if it was total baloney then how would they have money to
pay for all of these colorful ads and bombard me with these marketing messages.
Someone is paying those bills, and I can't believe that if absolutely nobody
had those salvations that they would still be in business. But who knows?
Now although I am a bit of a skeptic when it comes to these things-certainly
the ones that cost money-I do have chasidish blood in me, and we chasidim
believe in miracles. That belief is ingested in the chulent and herring we
eat by kiddushes and the l'chaims we make afterwards. Certainly as well I'm
more than amenable to segulos (that's the chasidish word for some
mystical ritual) that are easy to do. You know the ones that don't entail any
long or far trips to Eastern Europe, or reciting anything that takes longer
than a few minutes and that preferably contain some type of good food eating
regimen. So biting into an esrog, eating bukser, praying 40 days in a
row anywhere and getting on a plane are all out.So maybe I'm not so chasidish
after-all. Now if there was a segula to visit a Kever in Hawaii or Africa that
would do something for me. Or I'd be in for a pastrami on rye sandwich segula
any day of the week.
Yet despite all of that this Shabbos is a pretty big special segula one and
I'm excited about it. It's a segula Shabbos of the highest accord and I can
feel it in my blood already. First of all, we are finally starting up services
for the first time of 2021. They haven't officially opened up shuls to full minyanim
yet, but enough of us have vaxed already, the mayor of our city has urged
stores to reopen despite the official government guidelines, and I figured if
the stores in the mall are being moser nefesh and willing to take the
risk of getting stopped to sell a few more skirts and chatchkies then my
congregants drasha and Kiddush needs deserve no less of a risk or
sacrifice. Chulent deficiency syndrome is a real thing.
But the truth is it's really an exciting and fortuitous Shabbos to start up
again. Not only is it Shabbos Rosh Chodesh Adar, the happiest month of the
year. We sing Hallel, we will socially distance dance of course. We have lots
of those that we have to make up for. But as well it is Parshas Shekalim, the
first of the four parshiyot that we read that prepare us for the
redemption that we will be sure to experience this coming Pesach. Shekalim
being the one that reminds us that everyone should prepare to donate their
annual half shekel to the Beis Hamikdash for the daily offerings that would be
brought all year on our behalf. So in shuls that have a lot of Torah scrolls
(more than our just one), there are actually three sefer torahs that are taken
out to be read. One for the weekly parsha of Mishpatim, one for Rosh Chodesh
and one for Shekalim. Cool! The Bais Avraham writes that a Shabbos where
"three books are opened up" is as holy and auspicious as Rosh Hashana
when Hashem has the three of books of the righteous, the wicked and the beinonim-
the average yankel, like you and me, opened in front of Him. Are you guys ready
for Rosh Hashana?
There is another holiday as well that we take out and read from three sifrei
Torah and that would be Simchas Torah. On that day we finish up the last book
of the Torah, begin again Bereishit and read the sacrifices of the day. Our
sages tell us that part of the joy of Simchas Torah is precisely that throught
the taking out of three sifrei torah it becomes muchzak by us.
Three is a charm. It establishes that the Torah will never be taken from us.
Our rejoicing of that aspect and our connection to Torah fortifies that simcha
in us and it is that joy that we have whenever three Torahs are taken out.
Yet it is deeper than that when we come to Adar, this last month of the
year. For each one of the three Torah portions that we read from contain segulos
that we can tap into. You just need to read the right E-Mails to find them.
Baruch Hashem you clicked open on it this week. What I wouldn't do you for you…
I tell you. Consider it my early Shalach Manos present.
Let's start with Mishpatim, and let's start with a segula for health
certainly a challenge that is on all of our minds. The truth is notes the Reb
Itzikel of Skver that the past three parshiyos tell us of segulos where
no sickness will harm us. In Parshas Beshalach Hashem tells us, after we left
Egypt and saw the miracle Moshe performed by throwing the stick into the bitter
waters and turning it sweet, that it is not the sticks that can make our water
sweet but rather
Shemos (15:26) If you hearken to the voice of Hashem, your God,
and do what is proper in His eyes, and you listen closely to His
commandments and observe all His statutes, all the sicknesses that I have
visited upon Egypt I will not visit upon you, for I am Hashem your healer.
So there we have segula number 1 for health, but as Reb Itzikel puts
it it's a tough prescription. We have to listen to all the commandments and
observe all of the mitzvos.It's not neccesarily one that I think all of us
might jump at. It's easier to just get on a plane to Uman.
Parsha Yisro as well we are told that all of the Jewish people's sicknesses
were healed at Matan Torah. The blind could see, the deaf could hear, all of
could come close to witness this most important revelation. Yet that was a
onetime deal, and until Mashiach comes I don't think we're going to be having
another opportunity like that.
Which brings us to Parshas Mishpatim, this week where as well there is the
mention of healing. Actually it mentions it twice. The second time is when
Hashem promises that we will enter the land there the Torah gives us an even
more demanding segula.
Shemos (23:23-25) For if you hearken to his voice and do all that
I say, I will hate your enemies and oppress your adversaries. For My angel will
go before you, and bring you to the Amorites, the Hittites, …, and I will
destroy them. You shall not prostrate yourself before their gods, and you shall
not worship them, and you shall not follow their practices, but you shall tear
them down and you shall utterly shatter their monuments. And you shall worship
Hashem, your God, and He will bless your food and your drink, and I will remove
illness from your midst
So not only do we have to listen to all of the mitzvos and serve Hashem but
we need to destroy all of the idols and remove the foreign influences from us.
Yeah that's pretty heavy…
Yet there is one more mention of healing that he finds. One last segula and
that one seems not only doable but actually enjoyable. The parsha tells us the
law of when two individuals are fighting and one injures the other. He is
obligated to pay for his unemployed- his shivto and or his medical bills. The
rebbi however reads this verse homiletically
Rak shivto yitein- he needs only to observe his Shabbos
V'rapo yi'rapeh- and then he will be healed.
If one wants a segula for healing, the Rebbi says one merely has to observe
the Shabbos. He has to make it His Shabbos. He needs to remove all
worry, all fears, all the angst that he might have about the pandemic that is
encircling us, the sickness we are suffering from. And then the power of
Shabbos will heal him.
Rabbeinu Bachaya takes this a step further. He notes that the literal verse
which is referring to a doctor healing the patient (and is in fact the source,
as rashi notes, that a doctor has permission to heal) has the words healing
with a hard letter 'Pei'- v'rapoh Y'rapei. On the
other hand when we recite the prayer for healing in our Shemona Esrei there we
use the soft pei which is the "fei" in our prayers.
Refainu Hashem v'neirafei- Heal us Hashem and we will
be healed
V'haalei refuah shlaima- You should uplift us with a complete
healing
Ki kel melech rofeh ne'eman- because You are the faithful
healer
Baruch ata Hashem rofeh cholei amo Yisrael- blessed are you
Hashem the Healer of the sick of your nation Israel
The difference he explains is in the treatment we receive. When it is a
doctor doing the healing it is hard. It hurts. There is a "pei"
for puncture wound and shot that we need to suffer. When Hashem is our healer,
its soft, its nice, it doesn't hurt a bit. We wish and pray for a refuah
shlaima, a complete and soft healing. We want the miracle cure and we can
get it when we daven for it and recognize that He is the real healer of all of
us.
Now that we have our healing segula taken care of we move on to the
reading for Shabbos Rosh Chodesh and there we once again find an incredible segula.
on Shabbos Rosh Chodesh. Reb Elimelech Biderman writes that on Shabbos Rosh
Chodesh we become like mechutanim- wedded families with Hashem. Each
Shabbos in Kiddush we recite that Hashem is mikadesh- sanctifies the
Shabbos. Rosh Chodesh on the other hand is sanctified by the Jewish people. We
do Kiddush Hachodesh, our courts, our witnesses establish what day Rosh
Chodesh will be and give it it's holiness. Shabbos that is also Rosh Chodesh
these two "kiddushin" come together. It is a segula for
the perfect marriage. The haforah reading that we read on this day tells
contains the verse from Yeshaya that says
Yeshaya (66:23) And it shall be from new moon to new moon and from
Shabbos to Shabbos, that all flesh shall come to prostrate themselves before
Me," says Hashem.
Shabbos that is Rosh Chodesh, the Me'or V'shemesh writes, when the new moon
and Shabbos meet together it is the holiest of the holy. It is a time when
every person despite what they have done in the past can start anew, can come
and bow before Hashem and their desire will join His will. It's a miracle day
and a magical moment. Anything we desire is before us as we stand before
Hashem.
Finally, we have Shekalim and as its name connotes it is the parsha that is a
segula for parnassa, parnassa, parnassa... Now I know
that some of you might have preferred it to be called parshat Dollars, but the
exchange rate is pretty lousy now anyways, so you're better off with Shekalim.
However, the Torah tells us that the shekalim that this is a segula for
is shekel ha'kodesh-it is for holy shekalim. The parsha of shekalim
reminds us when we daven that the parnassa that we seek has to be holy.
It's not for the new car, the fancy restaurants, the newest smartphone or
gadget. It's not even to pay our bills or put food on our table. Our shekalim
and all that we do have to have one focus, to help serve Hashem better. The
shekalim collection that we begin calling out for this month is for the daily
sacrifice. Every day we our shekalim need to be in the service of Hashem. If we
read the parsha and absorb its message, poof we can win the lotto tomorrow.
Hashem has an open check book this Shabbos. It's a miracle week.
We enter the month of Adar and perhaps the greatest segula of the
month is of course of Simcha, really the most important thing of all. For we
can have health, we can have money, we can be married, have kids and even a
great job but if we're still not happy then what's it all worth. We all know
people that have all of the above and yet are still miserable. Adar is the
month when we can tap into the inner joy and knowledge that Hashem is running
the world although we may not see Him. We are in His hands. Mi'shinichnas
Adar marbim b'simcha- When the month of Adar arrives we need to increase
simcha- happiness. The word 'B'simcha' has the same letters as another
word; b'machshava- in thought. True happiness is not in the secret
mystical cures, remedies, or vaccines. It is in our minds. It is how we think.
It is the knowledge that all is for our good. May this month of Adar bring us
the greatest rejoicing and an end to the need for any other segulos but
that.
Have an awesomely joyous and
jingly Shabbos Shekalim Rosh Chodesh Adar
Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz
***************
RABBI SCHWARTZ’S FAVORITE YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK
" Mit a groissen roifeh gait a groisser malech.-" A great doctor is accompanied by a great
angel.."
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK
answer below at end of Email
16)
A site related to the lower aqueduct in Caesarea:
A)
Mei Kedem
B)
Nahal Taninim
C)
Habiar spring
D)
Beit Hanania
RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO OF THE WEEK
https://youtu.be/S1EHPKg1Agc
– We may look Different- Awesome new song by
Joey Newcomb and Benny Friedman
https://youtu.be/n2h0VaWz3hA
-
I've always been fascinated and love these Chasidic actors and
recreations of the Shteeble tish experience. Malchis choir knocks it out of the
park with this Shabbos Tish
https://youtu.be/UlMRKQpwu_Q
- This
Bardak's comedy skits are getting to me. This cute one on a yeshiva guy trying
his hand at kiruv is cute (Hebrew)
https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/layehudim - Start getting into the Purim mood with my
fun Rabbi Schwartz La'yehudim compostion arranged and sung by the one and only
Dovid Lowy
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S PARSHA/ ERETZ YISRAEL CONNECTION OF THE
WEEK
Land of Faith -
Parshat Mishpatim– We have left Egypt never to return and we are on the way to
the Holy Land. Parshat Mishpatim begins with all of the civil and spiritual
laws that we need to know and live by and then It gets to the finale which is
the promise and laws we need to keep upon coming to Israel. Hashem tells us off
borders that we have yet to realize from the Euphrates until the Red Sea
through Jordan to Saudi Arabia, it will all be ours. We will have that land if
we follow the Torah and the Mitzvos Hashem commanded us with. He will chase out
our enemies and we and our land will blessed.
In its list of the mitzvos of Eretz Yisrael the torah includes the laws of
the tithes and the first fruits and of the Shemitta/ Sabbatical year. As well
the Torah teaches us of the specific mitzva of the pilgrimage holidays of
Pesach, Shavuos and Sukkos, how they need to always be connected to the agricultural
cycles of the growing, reaping and gathering of the grains and fruit of Israel.
2000 years of Exile has led to our connection with these holidays as being
those of historical significance, yet the Torah's focus it seems that they are
more about the idea of the recognition of Hashem from the bounty he sends us up
from the land.
There is a fascinating Rashi that notes the specific need to mention these pilgrimage
holidays right after the laws of Shemitta.
Shemot (23:17) Three times a
year you shall Appear before Hashem— Because this section speaks mainly of
the Sabbatical year, it was necessary to state that the festivals should not be
removed from their place.
Read that again
slowly. It seems that there was what we in yeshiva world would call a hava
amina- a preliminary thought- that there would be no Pesach, Shavuot or
Sukkot during a Shemitta year. Next year god willing will be a shemitta year.
Now if you thought 2020 was strange, can you imagine No Pesach or the other
holidays at all during that year? Why would we think that just because it's a
shemitta year the holiday wouldn't be celebrated in the same way? It gives new
meaning to the famous words of Rashi later of Ma inyan shemita eitzel Har
Sinai- what does the sabbatical year's observance have to do with the
holiday of Shavuot that we celebrate remembering Har Sinai and all of the other
ones.
Rav Yisrael
Yaakov Fisher derives from this an incredible message. The function of
the holidays was not merely agricultural in nature as I stated earlier, they
were in fact in order that three times a year we would show our faith in Hashem
by leaving our houses, our fields and our families behind unprotected and all
made our way to Yerushalayim. We showed that we had faith in Hashem's promise
that no one would attack us and we would be blessed. If that is the idea of
these holidays than it follows that in a year of Shemitta were we all were
ready full of this faith having abandoned our fields to the poor for the entire
year. That entire year is one where we don't need any reminders that Hashem is
taking care of us, that He is the source of our blessings. Perhaps one would
think there is no need for the holidays if that was the case.
Yet the Torah
reveals that there is still a mitzva to observe the holidays, and no it is not
because we need to remember the historical events that happened to us. It's
also not about bringing gifts to Hashem as we have no crops that we need to
bring that year. Rather it's just to show our faces to our Father and to appear
before Him. Our Tatty loves us and wants to see us at least these three times a
year. He wants us to come home and say hello.
As we look
forward to the upcoming year of Shemitta and we eat get ready to start eating
the last crops that are growing in this 6th year of the cycle let us
daven that next year we fulfill the mitzva
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S
AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK
The
Philistines are back - 872 BC- So Dovid is finally the King.
Yerushalayim is in our hands and his city is built and it finally gets the name
it has until today the Ir Dovid. Chiram the king of Tzur- Tyre,
Lebanon sends cedar trees for Dovid's palace. Today under the platform
of the teller booths one can see the location of where Dovid's palace once was
as it seemingly stayed in use throughout the first Temple. As well the
topography of the city of David right and the area outside of the Southern
wall has been excavated and one can see the Melo- the dip and flat
area between the Mount and the deeper drop of the city of Dovid. This is
where the nation gathered and it is from there south where Dovid built his
city. I know I keep whining to you, but I really miss showing you all of this live.
Well once this
was all done we welcome back the Plishtim to our lovely land. They felt
betrayed by Dovid that had hid and lived by them and now returned to lead the
Jews. So they came in full force to Emek Refaim- the valley of Refaim
which non-coincidentally is where that famous main street thus called in Katamon
neighborhood got its name from, not far from the tachana rishona-
the first train stop of the old Jerusalem train. Dovid consults with
Hashem before going to battle and is assured of a victory and sure enough he
trounces them.
But it seems
just like the modern descendants of those Philistines, one beating is never
enough and so they came back once again for take II. This time Hashem wants to
test Dovid so He tells him that the army should surround the Plishtim and wait
until the rustling of the Baaka trees, and then attack. No don't confuse the
trees which according to some commentaries are either pear or cherry with the
neighborhood Bak'ah. They sound the same but are spelled differently and
the neighborhood Baka is an arab name which means flat area.
Now this was a
pretty scary challenge, lying in wait like that for the signal from Hashem.
Shaul when faced with a similar challenge to wait for Hashem's permission to
attack failed. But not Dovid. They waited and upon hearing those trees rustle
they surprised the Philistines and chased them North and West back to their
city of Gezer. Peace has finally come to the land. The world has been
waiting for this moment since the beginning. It is time for the Ark of Hashem
to come home. Tragically as we will see next week things don't go that great as
Dovid's first failure and mistake has terrible consequences.
RABBI SCHWARTZ’S MIRACLE CURE JOKES OF THE
WEEK
Yentl went to her doctor for a check up.
Afterwards, the doctor said to her, "I must inform you that you have a
fissure in your uterus, and if you ever have a baby it would be a
miracle."
As soon as she got home, Yentl said to her husband, "You vouldn't
belief it. I vent to the doctah and he told me - 'You haf a fish in your
uterus and if you haf a baby it vill be a mackerel'
Rivkah wakes up one morning and utters a
loud "Oy Vay." She has a nagging pain in her left shoulder. She immediately
goes to see her doctor.
After examining her, her doctor says, "Do you own a full length mink
coat?"
"Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me one for our silver wedding."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for 3 weeks, then book
to see me again."
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says, "Well doctor, my shoulder
has cleared, but I now have a pain in my left index finger."
After examining her, he says, "Do you own a 3 or 4 carat diamond
ring?"
"Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me a 4 carat ring to celebrate the birth of
Moshe, our first grandson."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for 3 weeks, then book
to see me again."
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says, "Well doctor, my finger is
OK but I'm now getting terrible headaches behind my eyes."
After examining her, he says, "Do you own a platinum and diamond
tiara?"
"Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me one to wear under the chuppah at our
Sarah's wedding."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for 3 weeks, then book
to see me again."
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says, "Well doctor, it’s a
miracle. My shoulder feels great, my finger feels great and I'm not getting any
further headaches. Thank you very, very much. But I have one question to ask
you."
"What is it Rivkah?" asks her doctor.
"Doctor, how do you treat your non Jewish patients?"
Doctor Simon is known throughout London as
one of the best consultants on arthritis. He always has a waiting room full of
people who need his advice and specialist treatment. One day, Hetty, an elderly
lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room. She is completely bent over and
leans heavily on her walking stick. A chair is found for her. Eventually, her
turn comes to go into Doctor Simon’s office.
15 minutes later, to everyone’s surprise, she comes briskly out of his room
walking almost upright. She is holding her head high and has a smile on her
face. A woman in the waiting room says to Hetty, "It's
unbelievable, a miracle even. You walk in bent in half and now you walk out
erect. What a fantastic doctor he is. Tell me, what did Doctor Simon do to
you?"
"Miracle, shmiracle," says Hetty, "he just gave me a longer
walking stick."
Joe the plumber, Lionel the violinist, Fredric
the astronomer and a Yankel were all suffering from various infirmities, were
sitting in a convalescent home when suddenly an angel appeared. The angel spoke
to them:
"I have come to give you the gift
of health! Joe, what is your ailment?" The plumber answered, "I'm
nearly crippled with arthritis. I'd give anything to be able to move freely and
go back to my profession."
The angel snapped her fingers: "You're
healed; go and thrive!" And the plumber ran off, rejoicing.
Then she spoke to the violinist: "What
is your ailment?" The violinist said, "I have a horrible case
of tinnitus. If only this ringing in my ears would stop, I could rejoin my
chamber orchestra."
The angel snapped her fingers: "You're
healed; go and thrive!" And the violinist ran off, rejoicing.
Next up was Fredric. "What is your
ailment?" The astronomer answered, "My vision has failed from
years of peering into telescopes at faint stars. It's such an exciting time in
my profession; I wish I could contribute again."
The angel snapped her fingers: "You're
healed; go and thrive!" And the astronomer ran off, rejoicing.
Finally, the angel turned to the Yankel.
"And friend, what is your ailment."
"Get away from me!" Yankel
shouted, backing away hurriedly. "I'm on full disability!"
Simon has a problem. In fact he’s had a
problem for so long that it’s beginning to worry him to death. Finally, he
decides he has to do something about it and goes to see Dr Bloom, his local
psychiatrist.
"Oy, doctor, have I got a problem," says Simon. "Every night,
when I get into my bed, I think there's a crazy person under it ready to do me
some serious harm. I'm going meshugga with fear. Please help
me."
"Don’t worry, Simon," says Dr Bloom, "I can cure you of
your fears, but it will not happen overnight."
"So how long will it take, doctor?" asks Simon.
"Well," replies Dr Bloom, thinking, "come to me twice
a week for 3 months and I’ll rid you of your phobia."
"And how much do you charge a session, doctor?" asks
Simon.
“My charges are $100 per session," replies Dr Bloom.
"But that will cost me $2,600 in total," says Simon. "I’m
going to have to think about it and let you know. I can’t easily afford that
kind of money."
Many months later, Simon meets Dr Bloom in Waitrose supermarket. "So
why didn't you decide to let me cure you of your fears?" asks Dr
Bloom.
"Well," replies Simon, "As I told you then, your fees were
really too high for me. And then my rabbi gave me the cure for nothing. I was
so happy to have saved all that money that I went on a week’s holiday to Tel
Aviv."
"So how, may I ask, did your rabbi cure you?" asks Dr Bloom.
"Easy," replies Simon, "he told me to cut the legs off my
bed. It’s now so low that nobody can possible get under it."
.
Morris is worried because his wife Hetty is
very ill and needs a good doctor. Everyone knows that Dr Myers is the best
doctor in Edgware, so Morris rings him to say that he would like him to treat
Hetty.
Dr Myers says, “OK, but can you afford me? What if I’m unable to save Hetty
and you decide not to pay my bills?”
Morris replies, “I promise to pay you anything, no matter whether you cure
Hetty or kill her.”
So Dr Myers agrees to treat Hetty. Unfortunately, Hetty dies soon after. When
Dr Myers invoice arrives, Morris refuses to pay, despite his promise. After
much arguing, they agree to take the issue to their Rabbi for a decision.
Dr Myers puts his side of the story to the Rabbi. “He promised to pay me,
‘no matter whether I cured his wife or killed her.’”
After a few minutes deliberation, the Rabbi says, “So did you cure her?”
Dr Myers has to reply, “No.”
The Rabbi then asks, “So did you kill her?”
“No, I certainly did not,” replied Dr Myers.
“In that case,” says the Rabbi, “Morris owes you nothing – you
fulfilled neither of the conditions on which you agreed that your fee should be
paid.”
Moishe
went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold that
wouldn’t clear up. His doctor prescribed him some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit, the doctor gave Moishe an injection, but that didn't do any
good, either.
On his third visit, the doctor told Moishe to go home and take a hot bath.
Then, as soon as he got out the bath, he must open all the windows and stands
in the draft.
"But doctor," protested Moishe, "I'll get
pneumonia."
"I know," said his doctor, "I can cure
pneumonia."
Ruth
looks up the yellow pages, finds what she’s looking for and makes a phone call.
"Hello," says Ruth, "am I talking to the loony doctor?"
"If you are referring to a psychiatrist, then yes, you are talking
to one. I am Mr Martin Lewis, a qualified psychiatrist, psychologist,
neurologist and cranial surgeon. How can I help you?"
"I’m fartummelt," replies Ruth, "I have awful thoughts
24 hours a day and I’m doing things that I can’t even remember doing. I think
I’m going meshugga."
"I can help you," says Mr Lewis.
"As it might take some time to cure me," continues Ruth, "I
need to know how much you charge and whether you can offer me a discount."
"I charge a flat fee of £250 per visit, and I don’t offer discounts,"
replies Mr Lewis. "Everyone pays me the same."
"What? £250 per visit?" shrieks Ruth, "Do you think
I’m a meshuggeneh?" and slams down the phone.
.Sadie
goes to see her rabbi and complains about her bad headaches. She whines, cries,
and talks about her poor living conditions for hours.
All of a sudden, Sadie shouts, overjoyed, "Rabbi, your holy presence
has cured me! My headache is gone!"
To which the rabbi replies, "No Sadie, it is not gone. I have it
now."-
*********************************
Answer is B –Well there goes my streak. One would
figure that since I did a Mishpacha column on Caesarea and the aqueduct over
there and that I was even there yesterday on my first tour in 5 months that I
would've gotten this one correct. But I really never paid much attention to the
details of which and from where each of the individual aqueducts were coming
from. I knew that Taninim was connected as well as Beit Hanina as sources I
wasn't sure if it was Herod's which I thought was the lower one though So I
went with Mei Kedem which I assumed was lower as lots of it is underground.
Amat Ha'Biar is in the Gush so I knew it wasn't that one. Well it turns out I
was wrong. The correct answer is Taninim. So I'm still ahead here but the score
is now 13 for Rabbi Schwartz and 3 for the Ministry of Tourism on this exam.
