The Missing Torah- Parshat Haazinu 5784 2023

 

Insights and Inspiration

from the

Holy Land

from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

"Your friend in Karmiel"

September 22^nd 2023 -Volume 12 Issue 50 7^th of Tishrey 5784!

Parshat Ha’azinu/ Shuva- Yom Kippur

The Missing “Toirah”

Toirah! You have to say that with “oi” in it for to have meaning and context. That’s what everything is all about. Toirah, Toirah, Toirah… that’s what I was taught in yeshivah. It’s what I think most of us raised in the black-hat world are taught. It’s a bit like ‘l’havdil’ (or not? - you decide) in the Reform or Conservative “day school system the words “Tikkun Ohlahm” is what they say Judaism is all about.  In their worlds though you need to emphasize the ‘ohhh…’ and ‘lahhhmm...’. It’s their version of the chareidi “oy”.

 In the Daati world, it’s all of course Eretz Yisrael. Yishuv- settling the land and serving in the army. That’s all the Torah on one foot if you’d ask them. Chabad it’s about Mashiach or kiruv, Breslav it’s about Simcha or Uman. We each have our little knaytches, that that we define as being the pillar of our Judaism.

 Frankly I think that’s a good thing. It’s what Hashem wants. It’s why he made 12 tribes. It would be nice if we would get that, and respect that concept as well… Maybe Mashiach would come sooner and he wouldn’t have to worry about what hat, kippa or shtreimel he would wear to be accepted. Although I think he’s going to be wearing one of those old fashioned Arab shmatta keffiyeh things on his head, which would be pretty funny.  It’s probably the only thing that we cannot claim is “fun unzerh”- he’s one of ours…

 Yet in the yeshiva world that I grew up in it was all about Toirah. Every holiday is Toirah. Chanuka is the light of Torah. Purim we accepted Torah again. Pesach we redeemed our mouths for Torah. Shavuos is pretty obvious. Lag Ba’Omer is of course the mystical Toiras ha’nistar of Rebbi Shimon and even Sukkos you’ve got that Jew who represents the Esrog who of course has to have good deeds and Torah, but mostly Torah…Fascinatingly enough though the one holiday and one time of year when one would think it should be most appropriate to talk about Torah would be on the upcoming holiday of Yom Kippur. Yet, amazingly and perhaps even disturbingly enough it seems that it’s not even mentioned. Yet, it’s the day that should most be about Torah. After-all it’s the day we received it. How did the yeshiva guys leave that out…?

 Now I know that some of you are thinking, what am I talking about? What does the Torah being given have to do with Yom Kippur? That’s a Shavuos thing. Others of you, might be a little bit more knowledgeable about our history and know what I’m talking about, yet are still somewhat perplexed. Because aren’t I aware that Yom Kippur is all about teshuva- repentance. Atonement. Forgiveness. Final judgement. Life and Death. That’s the important thing about the day. It’s almost as if Torah has a day off on this day, when really besides the Daf Yomi people who has a chance to learn anything.

 I remember once hearing from someone, that the reason that people don’t feel the need to learn on Yom Kippur is because the function of the Torah is to serve as a counter-balance- or tavlin to the yetzer harah, or as the Talmud tells us it’s a refuah- antidote to the Satan. Yet, since on Yom Kippur the Satan has no power, so there’s there is no need to take the medicine. Cute… But I don’t think in yeshiva’s they’re learning Torah merely as a spiritual first-aid. It’s life. It’s everything. So how did they miss out on it on Yom Kippur?

Now to explain what I was talking about earlier about this being the day of the giving of the Torah. As you all know the Torah was given on Shavuot a few months ago back in the month of Sivan. That was the ten commandments and the entire revelation of everything. The Written law, the oral tradition. Altz Ding- as they say in the yeshivish world. Moshe then went up to receive the Ten Commandments for forty days and nights and he comes down with the tablets. We Jews were kind of new at this “Jewish-time” still, and we started freaking out when he was a bit late. The next thing you know we were making Golden Calves, dancing and partying. Moshe comes down, breaks the tablets, Hashem wants to wipe us off the face of the earth. The game is almost over. Yet Moshe is successful in convincing Hashem not to kill or replace us after another 40-day stint upstairs from the 17^th of Tamuz until the Month of Elul. Yet Hashem tells Moshe that after all that took place, He'd pretty much rather hang out up there in heaven, that way in case we mess up again it would give Him a safe distance from us. At least we won’t be messing up His palace with Him in it.

 Yet, that’s not good enough for us. We want Hashem in our midst. We want the Torah we were promised that Moshe smashed. We want it all, not just as it was but even better. So from the month of Elul until Yom Kippur Moshe goes up again for another 40 days- just like the first time. What’s he doing there? He’s carving and chiseling out another set of Luchos. Yet, this time it’s man-made, unlike the original that was written with the “hand” of Hashem. Now although you might think that comparatively speaking a set of tablets written by Moshe instead of Hashem is like a cheap Chinese or Korean knockoff.   My son Tully’s new sketching hobby compared to a Monet, Da Vinci, Picasso or Huvie piece of art. Although I think he’s better than Picasso at least. But it’s not. Hashem told Moshe to carve them ‘ka’Rishonim’ – they are just as holy and as sacred and meaningful as the original ones carved by Hashem. In fact, they were kept in the Aron together with the pieces of the original. That’s pretty awesome. It seems that its an even greater Torah.

 The day that Moshe comes down with those new tablets is Yom Kippur. Sure, we got forgiveness on that day, but the truth is Hashem already pretty much let us off the hook a month ago by the beginning of Elul, after the 2^nd 40 days that Moshe was up on the mountain. Yom Kippur our sages tell us is that wedding day that we received the Torah which is not Shavuot, but rather Yom Kippur. In fact, Rashi even tells us that the entire reason why Yom Kippur was established as a day of forgiveness because it was the day that Hashem said He forgave us and gave us the 2^nd Luchos. Toirah!! So how come we leave it out? How come we don’t find it at all in our prayers, in our rituals, in our customs of the day? Why aren’t we staying up all night and learning? It can’t just be because we can’t drink coffee or eat cheesecake. Where is the missing Torah?

 The answer is that it’s right there, yet you probably never noticed it before. In fact it’s the first thing we even do on Yom Kippur. It’s the way we start the day, and it is the centerpiece of the entire day. See right before we start Kol Nidrei we take out the Torah scrolls from the Aron Kodesh. There are different customs in different shuls. Some take out three, some take out seven, others take out all of the Torah scrolls. What makes this so fascinating is that it’s not merely for the Kol Nidrei service it seems that we are doing this. It may not even have anything to do with Kol Nidrei. As well, this is probably the only time a year when we take out a Torah scroll and we don’t even open it and read from it- as even on Simchas Torah we read from the Torahs. Yet here, the function of the Torah scroll is merely to fill us with awe. And it is awesome. It’s probably the most awesome moment of the entire year. We kiss the scrolls as the chazan circulates the shul and then we just stand in awe before them as we recite Kol Nidrei.

 Do you know what that moment is? It’s kabbalat Ha’Torah. Yet it’s a different receiving of the Torah than Shavuot. It’s the silent Torah that is not read at all. That’s not studied. It’s the one that they never taught you about in yeshiva. It’s the one that is barely even mentioned throughout the day. Yet, it’s the centerpiece of all that we are meant to be doing. It’s really what this 2^nd heavenly experience on Mt. Sinai internalized in us for all times. It’s the essence of the Itzumo shel yom- the awesomeness of day; the day of the giving of the silent Torah within us.

 There is a fascinating story that I share with my tourists in the Navi in the book of Melachim about Eliyahu Ha’Navi in the aftermath of his faceoff with the prophets of the Baal. Hashem preformed a great miracle there and sent down a fire from heaven which ate up the sacrifice Eliyahu brought leaving the sacrifices of the prophets of the Baal. In doing that He was thus revealing Himself once again quite gloriously to the Jewish people. Our response is one that we repeat every Yom Kippur. We fell to our face and recited ‘Hashem hu Ha’Elokim’ repeatedly- Hashem is the One True God. Yet just like by the first revelation of Sinai, it wasn’t long-lasting. We fell away. We went back to serving the Baal. Understandably, Eliyahu is perturbed. He runs away to Beer Sheva and from there Hashem sends him to Mt. Sinai and there he has the 2^nd revelation. The different one. The silent one.

 Hashem asks him what he is doing there, and Eliyahu proceeds to report to Hashem about his disappointment with Klal Yisrael. They don’t keep the mitzvos, the covenant, they’re trying to kill him. Hashem explodes at Eliyahu. Storms, fire, earthquakes and in all these the voice of Hashem isn’t revealed. Rather there then follows what is described as a kol demama daka- a silent still voice. Is it a voice or is it silent, Rashi asks? It seems to be contradictory. Rather he explains so poignantly that sometimes there is a voice that comes from silence.

The first tablets, the first Torah, was noisy. It was an explosion. It was a revelation to the entire world that Hashem exists, that we are His nation, that there are laws and instructions and a plan to how we can fulfill our mandate in this world. Yom Kippur though was the sound of Hashem that reveals a different Torah. It’s the Torah that is in each of us. It’s the song that is in our heart. It is the eternality of our souls that no sin could ever defile. That will never be tainted. It’s the piece of Hashem and the letter of the Torah it represents that are us.

 Yisrael V’oraysa V’Kudsha Brich Hu Chad Hu- Israel, the Torah and Hashem are all one.  

 The atonement and forgiveness of Yom Kippur derives itself from that silent revelation that shines forth in every Jew on Yom Kippur. The light turns on as soon as those scrolls come out of the Ark. We’re rebooted. Its such a powerful moment.We’re back there at Sinai. We’re at the foot of the Mountain and just as then our souls soar. As we experience that moment we hear the words of the chazan call out before Kol Nidrei-

 Bi’yeshiva shel maala u be’yeshiva shel mata- in the upper heavenly yeshiva and lower yeshiva

 See who said there’s no Toirah on Yom Kippur we start off with talk about yeshivas…

But what type of yeshiva in there here on Yom Kippur?

 Anu matirim l’hitpalel im avarayanim- we permit you to pray with all of the sinners.

 It’s for the at- risk… Nope. It’s for us. It’s for the spark that we’ve just found in the Torah in each of us that reveals that all of our differences, all of our words, all of the things that we may have violated… all of the vows and promises and unfulfilled dreams and plans, they’re all void. They don’t exist. We’ve been rebooted, just as we were when Moshe brought down those second tablets. We’re quiet. There’s pure silence and that silence unites us because then we hear the voice of our soul; of all of our collective souls. That’s when we begin to shine the brightest. That’s when Hashem can come down and forgive us. But first we have to find ourselves. We need to find our silent inner Torah.

 This Shabbos Parshat Ha’azinu is the song of Klal Yisrael. The Sifri describes it as

 ‘The song of the present, the past, the future, of this world and of the world to come’.

It’s a song where we all have a place, a letter, a spark. It’s Shabbos Shuva when we return that spark to Hashem and when He returns it to us. The whole year there’s so much noise, so much talking, so much action, so many mitzvos, so many sins, so much pain, so much sorrow, so many regrets, so many prayers, so many hopes, so much distance from us and inner selves. From that Torah. It’s missing from us. On Yom Kippur it returns to us.

Do you know what the centerpiece of Yom Kippur is? Most people miss it. I always did. It’s after the High Priest goes into the Holy of Holies. It’s after the goats lottery, It’s after the Azazel. It’s when the Kohen Gadol comes out and is still wearing his pure white garments. There is no gold on his garments. There are no sins left. It is then that the Kohen takes out a Sefer Torah and reads to the people. He reads not in the Holy of Holies, but in the heichal. In front of all of us. It’s Moshe Rabbeinu. It’s the second Torah. It’s the forgiveness. And we are silent and we are connected. It is Toirah. It’s us. It’s all of us. We’ve all been purified. We have all returned.

As we approach these holy days, I’d like to ask each of you forgiveness if in any way I challenged you inappropriately, if I’ve offended you, if I’ve written or said something that hurt you. I hope you realize that it certainly was never my intent. That you are all special to me. That your readership, your friendship, your support, your feedback is humbling and meaningful to me. May Hashem bless all of us with a Gmar Chatima Tova. May all of our deepest desires and prayers be answered for good. And May Hashem bless all of us to be united here in Eretz Yisrael and for a sweet, healthy blessed year of redemption.

 Gmar Chasima Tova- a sweet blessed New Year to all of you,

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

************************

YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

 

“Ven frait zikh an oreman? Ven er farlirt un gefint..” - When does a poor man rejoice? When he has lost something and found it again..

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

answer below at end of Email

 

7. The name of the known Mufti who ruled the Arabs during the British Mandate is ___________.

As what type of neighborhoods were Rehavia, Talpiot and Beit Hakerem planned, when

established?

a. Affluent neighborhoods

b. Committee neighborhoods

c. Extension neighborhoods

d. Garden Neighborhoods

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO OF THE WEEK

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMaGGFpsDY4    – VAyomer Salachti

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcZ7oUziAJI  – Yom Kippur in Auschwitz powerful story until the end

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECy3CMxShIQ  - Yishar Ribo-Seder Avoda classic

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPqnfOo1G4Y  - Yishai Ribo and MBD can you get a more interesting mashup? Check out this new collaboration Zechor

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZPMAL8bzi0  –Yom Kippur War miracle

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUcBEYuy3Zg  – Shabbos Shuva--- soldiers returning home after the Yom Kippur war new released footage

 

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

 

The Yom Kippur Murder - 670 BC (3083 from Creation)- Last week (last year a week ago…), we learned about the high of the kingdom of the child king Yoash. This new year begins the low and ultimate fall of his once righteous kingdom. After rededicating the Bait Ha’mikdash and uniting the people together and returning them to their service, his Rebbi died. The great prophet Yehoyada who had guided him for so long and hid him in the Holy of Holies passed away. With his death and with Yoash no longer having a Rebbi in his life things went downhill. The first thing that happened was that the Jews and leaders that came to console Yoash started to deify him. They told him how great he was and how he didn’t need a Rebbi. After-all look at what he had done, he was raised in the Temple. He was holy enough. Yet, we know there’s no such thing…

 

After that they started to return to their idolatrous ways and Yoash as a result of all of the flattery turned a blind eye to it. Yet, Hashem doesn’t do that. He doesn’t let us fall and He promised that He would always return us to Him. The tool He generally uses is ant-semitism. He lets the goyim remind us that we’re different than them and we have a higher purpose. Thus Hashem sends the King of Aram, Hazael who until that point only was attacking the Northern Kingdom, now set his eyes on Yerushalayim. So Hazael comes with a large army from Aram- which is in northern Syria, and lays siege and attacks Yerushalayim. At that point of time, we should’ve woken up, but we don’t. Yoash figures that he can still walk away from this with some good old-fashioned bribery. So he plunders the Temple and the treasury and hands over all of its wealth to Hazael, who happily takes it all and leaves.

 

This should’ve been a wake-up call, yet it doesn’t work. So the next thing in the line-up of Hashem is to send a prophet to pretty much tell us what’s really going on and to get us on the right page. The prophet chosen is none other than the son of Yehoyada himself, Zecharya. If his name sounds familiar to you that in should. We remember this most tragic story each year on Tisha B’Av. It’s the story of the his attempt to rebuke us and his murder in the temple on the holiest day of the year Yom Kippur. See, I told you last week, Hashem makes this column work out timely.

 

So the prophet Zecharaya comes into the Temple on this holiest day and tries to get the people to see the light. To try to move them on Yom Kippur to that place of teshuva. But we are too stubborn. We don’t want to hear. We wanted him to be quiet already. They viewed him as a troublemaker, as a rebel and someone that was a danger to the kingdom and thus right there in the Temple they killed him. Talk about a Teshuva drasha that went wrong.

 

The blood of Zecharaya and this desecration was the final straw. The midrash tells us that his blood remained on the floor boiling and bubbling for over a hundred years and we never repented. When ultimately Nevuzadran will come to destroy the temple and attack Jerusalem he will slaughter thousands of Jews, old, young, babies, grooms and brides to still the bubbling of that blood until it finally ceases. This is the beginning of the end for Yoash. It’s the final piece as we had down the path to the destruction of the Temple.

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE MISSING JOKES  OF THE WEEK

 

A city in the north of the United Kingdom has gone missing! The police are looking for Leeds.

 

Do you know the Football player whose missing 75% of his spine? He's the Quarterback.

 

I filed a police report about my missing bag yesterday and a few hours later, the cops called to say that they found it. It was a brief case.

 

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue, I think? I never really noticed.

Officer: What’s the colour of her hair?

Man: Well, that changes all the time depending on the hair dresser she goes to.

Officer: what clothes was she wearing the last time you saw her?

Man: Could’ve been a red dress? Maybe a blue one? I don’t know exactly.

Officer: when she left to go somewhere, did she go by car?

Man: Yeah, she did.

Officer: What was the make of that car?

Man: it’s a high performance 560 horse power Audi in a very specific grey silver metallic paint. It has 8 speed paddle shift automatic transition and a 6.35 litre v12 engine generating at least 560 horse power. It has a z51 super performance package, larger than normal alloy wheels, gt bucket seats, satellite navigation. And unfortunately… a little thin scratch on the front left door handle.

Officer: Don’t worry, sir. We’ll find your car.

 

Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man. The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children. "

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children. "

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back? "

 

I used to date a girl who was missing a shin. Her name was Eileen. She had a brother who was missing both shins. His name was Neil.

 

I broke up with a girl who was missing a few toes. Because I am lack-toes-intolerant.

 

Why aren't cosmetic students afraid of missing their exams? They love make up tests!

 

I've got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing. Serves him right

 

I tried to sue an airport because of my missing luggage. I lost my case.

 

Bob the American and Dudu an Israeli who moved to the states are partners in a ranch in Texas and one day they head into their ranch and find their bull is missing. They plan to buy another one, but only have $500. Bob tells the Dudu, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."

So he goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. he is stumped on how to tell the Dudu to bring the truck and trailer.

Finally, he tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."

Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will he know to come with the trailer from just that word?"

Bob replies, "He’s an Israeli so he reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'

 

A man calls the police and reports that his wife has gone missing. A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with “This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table”

The officers look confused and ask him to elaborate. “It’s really strange but whenever I leave things on this coffee table they disappear and reappear somewhere else. When I leave take away containers on it they disappear and reappear in the trash. When I leave dirty plates and mugs on it, they disappear and reappear in the cupboards washed, dried and stacked neatly and even when I leave my dirty clothes on it they disappear! and reappear cleaned and neatly folded on my bed”

The female police officer looks at the man and says “Oh my god, you’re an idiot. No wonder your wife has left you.”

And the male officer says “I don’t think she’s left him. I think he’s right. I’ve got the same coffee table at my house”

.********************************

The answer to this week”s question is D – The Mufti of Jerusalem was the anti-semite Amin Al Husseini. It was he who incited the riots and pogrom of 1929 that led to the Chevron massacre and he was appointed by the British to that office. As well he was good buddies with the Nazis ymach shemam and made alliances with them in the plot to take over Israel and kill all of us. But Baruch Hashem they never made it here as Hashem watches our country and was preparing it as the final refuge for our nation. The neigborhood of Rechavia outside of the old city of Jerusalem was developed as a garden community where each home would have its own private garden, there were quite a few of them and it was necessary to sell it that way as most people were nervous to move out of the old city walls still. Today it remains a pretty upper class neighborhood with lots of Americans, the parks and gardens and many of the original houses still remain amazingly enough. So I got this one right as well making the score now Rabbi Schwartz having a 5.5 point and the MOT having 1.5 point as we start this latest Ministry of Tourism exam.

Gastrically Bypassing Purim-- Annual Top Ten Edition Purim 2022/ 5782

 

Insects and Instigation

from the

Holy Land

from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

"Your skinny friend in Karmiel"

 

March 16^th 2022 -Volume 11 Issue 24 13^th Adar Beis 5782

  2 months and 12 days since Corona ended

3 weeks and 3 days since the decree of the Green Passs ended

2 years and 14 days that the Ministry of Health and some masochistic people are still walking around wearing masks.

 

Purim

Gastrically Bypassing Purim- Top Ten List

 

(If you can’t “stomach” more Gastro conversation/Jokes  from me skip to the bottom Ok… Mom…)

 

Tis the season again. The holiday of endless food baskets filled with hamantash, candies, little grape juice bottles and all types of nosh with cute little themes and poems attached that you quickly search for and throw out and repackage to give to the next cute little costumed neighbor child whose name you can’t remember in exchange for the one that he gave you. This is a very important mitzva. See, in a month from now it’s Pesach. All this stuff has to go. Now after two years of Corona that had toilet paper and food shortages fears we have to celebrate just as the Jews in Shushan did. We need to fill our homes with what my grandson calls “junk food” and then make sure that there’s not even a crumb left when we search our house for chametz. This shows that we are happy that Haman didn’t kill us. It shows we are happy that Hashem saved us. It shows that we like our friends and neighbors enough to pass all of the junk that we get on to them. Because there is a contest going on, much like Achashveirosh’s beauty pageant, it’s called the person with the last prettiest Shalach Manos in their house loses. You get extra points if like Queen Esther you don’t even know where it came from and who their parents are.  Happy Purim Klal Yisrael. Let the games begin.

 

Now this year as all you faithful readers of my weekly E-Mail, status followers, Mishpacha readers and the two tourists I’ve taken since Corona started (well at least until two months ago) know, I’m a bit of a disadvantage. See my stomach is pretty small these days. It’s about the size of an egg. A few nibbles on a hamantasch and I feel like a hamantash. I feel like I ate Haman. How am I gonna finish all of this stuff before Pesach? Now I know my shul and friends have senses of humor, it’s kind of why they are my shul and friends. And I know they’re already plotting to send me these extra large size cakes, Costco size bags of nosh, massive hamantash, kugels of all types and plenty of carbonated drinks that I am not allowed to have. I will look weak, frail, pathetic and yes even feminine and dietetic, while my tiny little twin grandchildren who have just started eating solids eat more than I do. Ha Ha… I will laugh. Very funny. So cute. So original. But now I’m stuck with all of these foods. There won’t be enough people to dish them out to. I will lose the Purim game.

 

Now I know you’re thinking that I should just share them with my children. But I only have two left at home and Elka is not a big eater and Tully is a picky one. He only likes food that he buys with my money at the Makolet. My money that I never give him but that he somehow gets my wife to give him. Every day. There’s a benefit to being the ben zekunim favored youngest child. So that leaves my grandchildren. Yoel’s mother trained him not to eat to much “junk food” thus thwarting her father’s effort once again to sugaring up his grandchildren and sending them home. And the twins…. Well they have potential, particularly Moshe (chulent), although Ari (kugel) is not lagging that far behind, but they are still hampered by these small little mouths that can’t get it all in yet, despite how much I try to stuff them when their mother or grandmother- who they some time call Mommy being that they’re here all the time- or they would if the could talk-  isn’t looking.

 

So I guess I’ll have to figure it all out on my own. But I’ve already shared too much family information here. My mother is going to start complaining to me. “ Why does everybody in the world have to know and hear about every little mishigas in your life!!” Followed by the traditional “Enough already!” “Dai Kvar!!”. She sometimes does the Hebrew thing to me hoping that perhaps that the language gap is the reason that I seemingly constantly ignore the Mussar imecha… I’m not ignoring Mom. It’s this keyboard of mine. It just spits out things on my screen that I have no control over. I would read it and edit it of course- but let’s be honest… who has time to read all of this anyways… So any ways enough with the mishigas. It’s the time of year that every one is waiting for. It’s Purim and besides the mitzva of shalach manos, giving gifts to the poor, eating a purim feast and reading the Megilla, it’s time as well for the annual Rabbi Schwartz Top Ten Purim List. Incidentally, for those that are unable to fulfill all the above mitzvos, you all can really do them with my E-Mail. Pick up a hamantash, a drink of wine, reach into your wallet and donate and sponsor a weekly E-Mail and then read megillas Schwartz. Granted it’s a bit longer, but at least you don’t have any drunk yeshiva guys banging around your house or children in costumes twirling graggers and shooting off dynamite in your ears while you’re reading.

 

So here we have it the 5782/ 2022 Rabbi Schwartz Top Ten List. This year obviously with all of the new awareness of the benefits of my Gastric Bypass surgery and my 100+ pounds of weight loss, I realized that the only reason why we in fact have the Purim story and the great celebratory day that we will be experiencing is because nobody did that stomach surgery. There are all deeps of hidden kabalistic references to this in the Megilla, which only now I can reveal to you. So pick up a hamantash which non-coincidentally is a cookie that has its stomach cut out of it and lets begin.

 

RABBI SCHWARTZE’S TOP TEN GASTRIC BYPASS STOMACH SALVATIONS

 

10) Now as we know from our sages the reason why the Jews were punished and the whole story begins is because the Jews participated in the 180 day long feast of Achashveirosh. Ummm… 180 days of feasting? Yes it’s true that it takes me longer to eat a half a bowl of chulent even for dinner. Whereas in the past I could just inhale a crockpot down, now it’s a good hour before I can make it through a quarter of a bowl. But 180 days seems like a very long time of feasting.

 

 So there are two interpretations behind this. The first is that they were preparing for the surgery that they would be having and then you really must pace yourself and practice eating very small bites and then resting in between or playing on your phone while your children tell you about their day. Thus Achashveirosh made the feast so long so that all those getting ready for surgery would be able to have time.

 

The other pshat is that it was after they prepared for the surgery and were approved by the doctors to go forward with it, having lost the necessary weight prior and shown that you are well equipped to make the proper changes in your eating habits. There is nothing stopping you from going back now and fressing until the actual surgery itself, so you have to make up for all of the lost time and meals you had over this ridiculous pre-surgery exercise they put you through, so you have 180 days of pure gorging.

 

However one thing is clearly obvious. The only reason why all of this happened is because the Jews didn’t have the surgery. If they would’ve they really wouldn’t have been that interested in a 180 day feast. How much could you eat anyways? A cracker? A piece of herring? Not worth the shlep. Not worth the sin. The whole thing wouldn’t have started. There would never have been a decree against us. We would never have been saved.

 

9) Achashveirosh in middle of the feast tells his wife Vashti to come out and display herself in all of her glory to all of the people attending the feast. She refuses. Now as we know this was not a modest woman at all. Her original name was actually Nasty, but Persians have a hard time pronouncing the letter ‘n’ and the ‘sh’ so it became Vashti. So why did she refuse to come? The answer is obviously she was quite overweight, I mean 180 days of feasting doesn’t to wonders for your waistline. Yet, if she had done the surgery, again there would have been no problem. The truth is if she had done the surgery she wouldn’t have had a problem coming out without any clothing as pretty much nothing really fits and it all falls down anyways. Ask my first tourists after my surgery if you don’t believe me. They got a view of Eretz Yisrael they never thought they would get.

 

By the way if you understand this then you will of course understand what happened to Vashti. See, the megilla doesn’t say anywhere that Achashveirosh killed her. Rather that kingdom was taken from her and given to someone much better. Rather it says the king was depressed because he remembered was he was gozeir on Vashti. The word gozeir people mistakenly translate as decree, but in fact the same word means cut. Yes, the King ordered that Vashti should have the bypass surgery as her punishment. She was then too skinny. Her clothing didn’t fit and would fall down all the time and obviously the King was looking for someone after that who would never have any weight problems.  See, I told you I would reveal big secrets here…

 

8) Now the next part of the story as well becomes much more understandable. Achashveirosh did not want to deal with this problem any more. No more women with weight issues. Everyone would have the surgery before they met with him. In fact that’s why each girl brought to the king had to be 6 months in Shemen Ha’mor- which again people mistranslate as myrrh oil, but in fact means More shamein- More fat. They had their last meals and then they had 6 month of besamim and tamrukey nashim. Besamim is spices and marak is soup. Spicy women soup. After the surgery you can’t eat solids so they just had spicy soup. Esther of course was beautiful and didn’t need surgery. She was already perfect. She didn’t tell the king that she was Jewish of course as per Mordechai’s instructions because he knew that the King would never believe that a Jewish woman with all her chulent cooking and holidays would not have a struggle with her weight. And thus the story begins.

 

7) Now after the King has his new wife, he is quite grateful to Haman and of course elevates him. Everyone in the kingdom’s wives are now having the surgery as per the new rules. The men though are getting fatter and fatter than ever. Haman in his sick diabolical plot decides to terrorize the Jews by issuing a decree that they all have to bow down to him. Have you ever seen a fat Jew bow down? It’s hilarious. Their pants split, they krechtz getting up, it’s why it’s one of those atonement things we do on Yom Kippur because there is nothing that is a bigger atonement then bowing down on the floor and hearing that rip of your pants while you are saying Baruch shem kevod malchuso l’olam ve’ed. Mordechai though refuses to bow down. He believes in Hashem. He will not engage in this entertainment for Haman. Pants splitting is a sacred Yom Kippur act. It will not be defiled for the this man’s evil amusement. By the way this sheds light on why it is called Yom K’purim. Purim is like Yom Kippur. Just without the pants splitting.

 

6) Moving along we have the story of Mordechai catching Bigsan and Seresh plotting to kill the king. They are annoyed that everyone is having the surgery. See they used to be in the carbonated drink industry. They had a chain of slurpee stores. Bigsan was in fact the guy that came up with the Big gulp and Seresh is a conjunction of slurpee slush. Obviously after the stomach surgery their business tanked faster than a Corona tour guide as once you have the surgery you can’t drink carbonated soda anymore. So they plotted to assassinate the king. How? They were going to poison his slushy. Mordechai who was pretty much the only one that would frequent their slurpee store as everyone else stopped going overheard their conversation and reported it to the King. The two of them were hung up. Bigsans last drink was Coca Tolah (hanging) while Seresh had a lemon flavored carbonated soda which from then on was called Seresh- Up.

 

5) Mordechai and Esther realizing that the sin was the Jews eating too much by the feast of Achashveirosh and that the Jews were not getting the message with all these surgeries that their wives had to have and their clothing falling off realized that something had to be done. So they decreed a fast. They made everyone change into tight skinny pants that cut off your circulation that all ripped on them. As it says Mordechai himself wore ripped clothing to demonstrate this. They figured if Hashem would see how miserable Jews get without food, like a good Jewish Mother Hashem would have mercy and feed us. We would stop kvetching. He wouldn’t let us all die and the let the world be populated by cows and sheep that would never be turned into Kosher hamburgers and shwarma. They were right. We re-pant-ed.  (I’m having way to much fun with this… by the waist… I mean way…). And the miracles start to happen.

 

4) Seeing how Hashem had accepted our prayers. Esther invites Haman and Achashveirosh to a meal. Haman is very excited by this. His wife Zeresh hasn’t cooked anything decent in a long long time. She’s been too busy popping out 10 little baby boys for him and suffered hyperzereshemesis, which means she was just nauseous all the time.  Being goyim, they didn’t even have a bris- so no bagels and lox either or shalom zachor arbis- chickpeas. This really upset him as when the Jews had parshas zachor he thought they were making fun of that fact. So, a feast with Esther who he knew made the best brisket and potato kugel in the kingdom was something he really looked forward to. Esther though wanting to bring heavenly divine omens to that feast (like on Rosh Hashana when we eat the apple in honey, fenugreek and black eyed peas whatever that’s meant to symbolize) served Kishka,and chopped liver to remind Hashem of all of the Jewish kishkas that were chopped out in surgery. The livers were foi gras that were stuffed goose livers and from veal or fattened baby cows. So Hashem really understands the point. We were once fat and happy and now we have no kishkas and our livers are all chopped out. Sometimes you really have to explain yourself.

 

3) Now is the time to unravel another one of those conundrums in the Megilla for you. Why did Esther have to make two feasts. Why couldn’t she just reveal Haman’s diabolical plot after the first one. The answer of course is that she knew that she the two of them needed to have an extra sleepless night in between. Now as all good Jews know there is nothing that will keep you up at night as much as the heartburn that one suffers after a good haymish well cooked shmaltzy Jewish meal. You have to realize that this is before the invention of Tums or Omeprazole. So she shmaltzes them up and of course Achashveirosh can’t sleep and he asks to be brought the book of records. (this was as well before my long weekly E-Mails were around that would work as well.) There he hears about the heroic story of Mordechai who saved him and he was not given any reward. Haman, at the same time was suffering the after effects of all of that kishka and veal chulent that Esther had served by the seuda. Goyim really are not cut out for Jewish food. He pops in to Achashveirosh at precisely the wrong moment to ask if he has any laxatives for him, and Achashveirosh orders him to take Mordechai for a spin around in his horse wearing the Kings clothes. What makes this story so funny and ironic is the of course the Midrash that Haman’s daughter chucks out the leftover chulent on his Haman’s head that he threw up in the garbage previously.

 

2) We are getting close to the finale here. There is one last seuda. Because if you really want Achashveirosh to start to sympathize with the Jews, you really have to give him a two day yom tov with one meal after another after another. By the way that’s why Purim has so many days, like this year. 14^th, 15^th, Shabbos… it’s the gift that keeps on giving. More and more seudos. Achashveirosh understands that if Jews keep eating like this, there is no force in nature that can ever take them down. Its an exercise in futility for the nation that doesn’t really even exercise. So when Esther points out Haman as the man who would take away Achashveirosh’s access to Jewish deli, bagels, cheese danishes and gefilteh fish he remembered that this was the same guy who convinced everyone to have the stomach surgery in the first place that started this whole mishigas. “I’ll give you a gastric bypass” he roared “how about we bypass you at the neck down and your 10 sons as well for that matter. String em up…” And then give that brand new kitchen that you built to Esther and Mordechai so they can make some more delicious Jewish food for me. And thus we were saved.

 

1) And thus in every year and year the Jews throughout the world will read a scroll called Megillas hester- the revealing of the hidden. We need to open up our kishkas and take out that name of Hashem that is covered in all the fat of our exile. We give food gifts to one another, to remember those days when we could once eat all of the food ourselves and now we have no more room in our bypassed bellies for them. We give charity to the poor because we have so much extra money on all the food that we can no longer buy and eat. {True story: I bought a shwarma in a half a pita last night- not a laffa, not a half a laffa, not even a pita, it was a half a pita. I didn’t even know they sold sizes that small. It was only 17 shekel.}. And then we have a feast. The feast is mostly wine. Because with wine we reach the point of not knowing anymore, if I had a surgery, if I didn’t have a surgery. Did I eat already? Didn’t I eat yet? Is that my plate? Is it the guy sitting next to me… what’s his name again? Oh yeah that’s Tully my son… He looked familiar. It’s been a busy month I haven’t been around much.

 

 And then we are truly happy. We know that is our friends, our family, our nation and our God that are what’s most important. We know that even though we are still in Exile, even though some people are still wearing masks because they haven’t heard the news yet that Corona is over. Or because they want to keep those mask companies or the government employees from the Ministry of Health that are getting kickbacks from them in business- because what they get from Pfizer isn’t nearly enough to buy a 2^nd yacht, a new tesla or a machsan in Yerushalayim with. We know that the Bais Hamikdash where we will have so many sacrifices, so many first fruits to bring, so much divine gastrointestinal goodness is still not here yet. But it is coming. It is around the corner. It’s just a few snips with a surgical knife at the foreskin of our hearts and bellies. It’s a bit of teshuva out of love and joy that we need to do. Then we will have the ultimate simcha. We will see the miracles that our ancestors witnessed in those days once again today!

 

 

Have a Fraylecheh heureux contento glucklich, schastlivyy saeida felice sasta Kuàilè de Purim Samayach!

 

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

 

This week's Insects and Instigation is sponsored by Vladmir Putin and many Russian uglyarchs. They heard that Jews don’t like to sponsor these weekly E-mails and they want to chap the great zechus that this will provide for them to win their battles and avoid being banned from their yachts. Zelensky sponsored next weeks in honor of his brave Ukranian soldiers who haven’t fought this hard since they killed all of our great grandparents that lived in Ukraine. I really bless both sides that they should both kill all each other and leave us out of it. And may all of the Jews living there and really any where else outside of Eretz Yisrael finally get the point and come back here. There’s plenty of Russians in Karmiel you’ll feel right at home…

Das vedanya!

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RABBI SCHWARTZ’S FAVORITE YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

 

Ven men lebt fun der pushkeh iz laidik di kishkeh...- When one lives out of the charity box, his stomach remains empty.

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO OF THE WEEK

 

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/layehudim   – It’s Adar! Time for Rabbi Schwartzes greatest hits for Purim!! This one with Dovid Lowy singing my geshmak Layehudim. Get on your dance shoes…

 

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/techelet-mordechai   – And here’s my amazing Techeles Mordechai with the one and only Yitz Berry singing this great Purim seuda composition of mine.

 

https://youtu.be/4NBlKCtQSe0 – Gad Elbaz Purim crashers

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBiinGwk0Cg  – Bardak is back with a hilarious Purim Shalach Manos video

 

https://youtu.be/WR-kZWo97Ho - Shwekey Ein Davar Ra- Roshey teivos for ADAR never chapped that… great song…

 

https://youtu.be/WR-kZWo97Ho - Shuki Solomon- Ad D’lo Yada some funny Hebrew words song… who cares its fun..

 

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

answer below at end of Email

 

19)  Haman’s youngest son was named  _________

Which one of these is certainly not a descendant of Haman

A)  Vladmir Vladimirovich Putin

B)  Joseph Robinette Biden

C)  Adolf Schickelgruber Hitler

D)  Donald James Trump

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S PARSHA/SHABBOS CONNECTION OF THE WEEK

 

Cleaning Lady -Purim  Shabbos is not an easy day for our women to get ready for. Cleaning, cooking, laundry and other things that I don’t know about. Thank God it only comes once a week and they can be off the rest of the time shopping for clothing and drinking ice tea. But that once a week is certainly a hard time. But that is the fate they must suffer for having given Adam a forbidden fruit in the garden. They should’ve given him some erev Shabbos chulent, kugel and herring with tam tams. But because they messed up and made him a fruit platter instead-probably because they thought it was healthier which we men of course knew was not true, every erev Shabbos they need to make up for that in spades by making a whole Shabbos properly.

 

Now this fate lasted until Purim time in Shushan where the Jews ate from the forbidden feast of Achashveirosh. We thought, hey! Free food, Achashveirosh is making Kiddush, lets eat. But we didn’t realize that we are only supposed to eat our wives kiddush that they worked hard to prepare us. So Achashveirosh then made a wicked decree that from then on each man will rule over his own house only and all of the wives must make kiddush for their husbands. But then Queen Esther came into the picture and it all changed and balanced out.

 

See Esther hired 7 cleaning ladies as it tells us in the Megilla. One for every day of the week. Now the Talmud tells us that she did this in order to remember which day was Shabbos while she was in the palace. She even called the 7^th one Shabbos shiktza.. Now she really could’ve just had the one for Shabbos, but Esther was wise and understood that the women as well needed to enjoy Shabbos and not come to the table half wiped. So she instituted that yes, every man could only eat and enjoy what his wife makes. However every wife from then on in should have a cleaning lady to help her get ready for Shabbos. And of course one cleaning lady for Shabbos is not enough. You need one to help you get ready each day of the week for Shabbos. Sunday, shiktza does the dishes from Shabbos, Monday cleans out the crockpot that has been sitting soaking with water since Shabbos. Tuesday does the laundry and washes those tablecloths. Wednesday she folds them Thursday she starts picking up all of the toys your grandchildren left over the floor because your daughter has twins that live in your house and another grandson that doesn’t clean up unless you sing a song for him and you forgot the song. And Friday is sponja day. And thus for all times the women once again fixed the sin of the Garden of Eden and were entitled to keeping Shabbos again

 

The men were not happy about this as they looked at their credit card bills and diminishing bank accounts. So they instituted the fast of Esther to fast and pray for the day when one day we will not have to pay for cleaning help anymore. That we can have Shabbos the good old fashion way again. When we would just come home from work and everything would magically be ready all by itself like it used to.

 

But until that time… we sing we sing a song to the Shabbos queen who is of course every Jewish wife like Esther and we welcome her to our house that the cleaning lady cleaned for us and that we happily pay for. And we tell ourselves over and over again that whatever we spend in the honor of Shabbos does not come out of that divine budget that Hashem granted us on Rosh Hashana. It’s why we bought the extra herring and nuts when she sent us out to the store even though it wasn’t on the list. Well it works for Maria, Nellie and Svetlana Shabbos Shiktzas as well. All our expense are covered by Hashem. So let the women enjoy to and celebrate Purim together with them as it’s the day when the Shabbos maid first was invented.

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

 

Purim - 2023 CE-   The Jews in Jerusalem are happy. Mashiach has finally arrived. There is a Bais Hamikdash sitting in Jerusalem on the Temple Mount. It was pretty cool how it came down from heaven all made out of fire and landed right on top of that ugly golden pimple that defiled our holy site for so many centuries. It smothered it to smithereens and everyone cheered. We were back where we wanted and prayed to be and this time for good. Let the party begin.

 

Now it hasn’t been an easy year that’s for sure. I mean that incredible war that took place between Putin and Biden that through Israel in the middle of the whole thing was a bit insane. I mean we should have seen it coming. Our prophets always told us that the final war would be between GOg and MaGOg. Yeah “Go” is like ‘go in’. Get it Put -“in” or bye (d)- ‘in. But who would’ve thought that we would be caught in the whole thing. Sure there was a Jewish guy in Ukraine running the country and he was  former comedian. And we knew it would be a funny story. But really? Ukrainians? Home of Rebbi Na Nach Nachman? That’s where the fire of redemption would come out of… a bunch of drunk breslavers missing out on one Uman Uman Rosh Hashana smuggling into the country would shlep Israel into the war? But hey? Hashem works in funny ways.

 

Now the truth is some Jews saw it coming. They were smart enough to realize when they started beating up Jews every day in the streets of Boro Park and Lakewood, and it wasn’t even over double parked cars that Galus was almost over there. Yes, there were some that mistakenly thought it was just time to move to Miami or Boca, but for the most part that was just chasidim who couldn’t resist picking up Puerto Rican cleaning help right over the border. But most of the rest of the Jews, like the Jews so long before in all of our exiles packed up their pizza shops, their Teslas, their Pomegranates, their Seasons and Evergreens and packed Pizza Time and Essen Pastrami sandwiches and left. They came home before they got sent to Kamala’s concentration camps. (by the way you should’ve chapped as soon as Kamala got into office being that her name is the same letters as Amalek backwards… just saying…).

 

They came home. Miraculously their kids did not go off the derech in five minutes despite what some of the Rabbis in America who had been trying to hold on to their jobs and congregations had been telling them for decades. Unlike in America where that never happens. They actually even developed a taste for real falafel since coming; shwarma they always knew they couldn’t get there. They even discovered real kedusha for the first time. And they were very surprised how little it cost them. They even got their kids into schools right away, their daughters got married (Ok they had to buy them a dira…but it was cheaper than Jackson). It was amazing.

 

But the best part about this Purim is that there is no Pesach cleaning afterwards. All the holidays are over besides Purim. You can save your shalach manos forever. Yom Kippur is now a day of rejoicing. We threw out that long ,machzor we suffered with for 2000 years and now we just watch the Kohein chuck a goat over a cliff and we are all forgiven. Tisha B’av and all of those fasts are now holidays full of singing and dancing. And the best part is that this Mashiach guy is an amazing leader for the first time. Bennet cleans his toilets and it was fun watching Lieberman drive Mashiach around on his donkey all day while all the chareidim and Liebermans own chareidi children and grandchildren dumper garbage on his head.

 

Yes it is Purim 2023 that we have been waiting so long for. Make sure you get here on time to experience it…  

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S V’NAHAPCOH SERIOUS INSPIRING TORAH OF THE WEEK

 As a double V’Nahapoch I’ll make our usual joke section now a Torah section short and sweet as well. The book of Megilla isn’t a book. It’s a scroll. It’s a letter in fact. It doesn’t mention Hashem’s name even once. Why not?

 Were you not paying attention. See this is why I have to write long E-Mails because you just read through it very quickly and don’t get it all. Don’t blame me for your lack of treating this with the proper respect reviewing it again and again like you would a Rashi. I told you this is not a book. It’s not a history lesson or the Life and Times of Jews in Persia chronicle. It’s a letter. An Iggeres. It’s a letter from Hashem to each and every one of us. In every generation. In every period of time. It’s meant to be read like a letter. When someone writes a letter they don’t put their name in it. It’s understood. He’s the one writing it.

 Hashem writes this letter to all of us in Exile without a Bais Hamikdash. He’s telling us that we need to realize that there is an Amalek in every generation that is trying to disconnect us from him. That is trying to kill us when we forget we are not home. That He is not with us. When He is hidden from us. But we need to turn up our volume and wipe out that Amalek by making a lot of Jewish noise. We need to scream. We need to roll groggers down here until it shatters the barriers between heaven and earth. Not like those heretical shuls that only let you bang politely and politically correctedly by the first and last Haman. We need to smash them all… Then we will see Mordechai on a royal horse. We will eat and we will drink. That’s the love letter that Hashem sends us on Purim. Read it good this year. It starts off Vayehi Byimei Achashveirosh- Who? Achashveirosh. It’s the Achashveirosh that is in every generation that is stopping us from coming to Yerushalayim by throwing us great parties and supermarkets with the most kosher food in galus. It’s the one that we will ultimately start bowing to. It’s the one that will then turn on us and try to destroy us. Do you know that Achashveirosh, Hashem writes us. Well remember him. Because it’s through him that I will eventually redeem you. It’s how I will bring you home to Me,

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Answer is D – The answer of course is Trump. But that’s only because his middle name is John not James. Donald John Trump though. I’m not sure about. I mean he definitely has Hamanic proclivities with everyone bowing down to him. Although I think Putin out does him on that matter where the man literally has everything except one Jew in Ukraine that won’t bow to him and so he decides to kill all of them. Well, thank god it’s miserable murdering Ukrainians he’s killing (Ok obviously not the Jews that were stupid enough to have stayed in that farshtunkeneh country- Hashem should preform miracles for them and the Chabad guys who hung out with them). Bur Trump has a lot of Achashveirosh tendencies as well certainly when it comes to women and beauty paegents. But for that matter so does Biden who has this hair smelling fetish and is certainly a foolish king of Achashveirosh proportions. But I guess Schikelgruber really takes the cake in Amaleki tendencies. Too bad we didn’t know that was his middle name back then. We could’ve had a lot of fun with it. So once again I got this question right. As I do most questions. Because after all I cheat and look them up on most weeks. Listen what’s a good tour guide if you can’t make things up right? So the score is now Schwartz 100% and and MOT (Ministry of Tourism) a losing failing organization that did nothing for our tour guides during Corona one big fat ZERO.