Time of Birth- Parshat Tazria 2024 5784

 

Insights and Inspiration

from the

Holy Land

from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

"Your friend in Karmiel"

 April 12^th 2024 -Volume 13 Issue 27 4^th of Nisan 5784

Parshat Tazria

Time of Birth

Dear Ribono Shel Olam,

 Master of the world, Abba, Tatteh, Melech… Ad Mosai? How long…? How much more do we need to wait… to suffer… to hurt….to pray…to cry….? When is this going to be over? When will it start? When will You come home? When will you bring them home? All of them. It’s too much already. We can’t anymore. It’s too much already.

Was it just a two years ago by Corona that we sat alone in our homes that Seder night and thought that Eliyahu would really be by our doors when we opened them up? That the worst had already come. That You were finally ready to redeem us. That You had taken the last sacrifices You needed. That the world had finally realized that ein od milvado- that there is no one to rely on besides You. But when we opened that door there was no one there. No old man with a white beard on a donkey. No shofar. It was the same empty 2000-year-old doormat that greeted us, that has been lying there by our blood painted doorpost telling us that the redemption is not yet here. We’re still in Egypt. Adayin lo higiya geulaschem- the time is still not yet.

 So we continued with faith. It didn’t shake us. We vaccinated. Or didn’t. But we prayed. We shemitta’ed. We came to Israel like never before. We learned. We davened. We did chesed. And yes, we did fall back into our old lives somewhat, but our eyes were and still are always on the ball since then. We were ready for it to happen. We davened that past High Holidays that this year should be the last year that we are without You. That we aren’t home with You.

It was the year after Shevi’is after all. A year when our sages saw that the redemption is opportune to come. But it didn’t happen that year, and so we davened that it should be this year. And then October 7^th happened. And then that Shemini Atzeret day when the King sits with His child and asks to spend one last day together, because it’s too hard to separate from them after these incredible holidays that we celebrated for 7 days in our Sukkos. On that special holy day You walked out of the room. You left that Sukkah of protection. You let them come in. You turned Simchat Torah into Tisha B’av. All the Kinos- lamentations that we’ve said for 2000 years happened on that day when we should’ve been dancing together with Your Torah.  Since then, It’s been like the three weeks of mourning when tragedy comes again and again, only that its been” the three weeks” for the past 6 months, with no end in sight. With just an empty doorway awaiting us again this Pesach.

 We thought it might’ve happened on Chanuka the holiday of miracles; when we won over our enemies and rededicated our Temple. We finally have soldiers like the Maccabees of old, that are fighting just in Your name. Just for Your glory. But it didn’t happen. There weren’t any miracles of redemption, despite the so many small lights we lit around the world and prayers we offered.

 Perhaps when we read the book of Shemos; the book of our Redemption. Maybe that’s when You would bring it. Maybe in the month of Shevat when the sap of the geula starts to sprout up? Would it only come in Adar? The month of Simcha would finally bring that joy we had been waiting so long for? Would all the pain be batel- get wiped out, in the 60 days of those festive extra month of Adar that this special year had. Would we see a Purim miracle? We were wiping out Amalek like never before. We were united. We got smashed and lost all our da’as. All our conceptions. We sang to You. We danced with You. We cried and davened on Purim. Bring them Home. Come Home. Make this over. Turn it all around. And yet Purim passed. And Adar is over. And nothing has changed.

 So I ask you Tatteh… Ad Mosai? What more can we do? If Your plan is that if You keep squeezing us with the hope that we will do even more teshuva, I hate to be the one to tell You, but open up the Newspapers and turn on the News. It’s not happening. The nation is stiff-necked, in case You didn’t chap that yet. They’re fighting again. They’re politicking again. They’re protesting. They’re drafting. They’re pointing fingers at one another. They’re bowing down to the seuda of Achashveirosh and taking cues and directions from the goyim that want to wipe us out. The pain is too great. The letdown is too much. Amalek is laughing his tuchas off. Where are You…?

 Is there any of us that haven’t written a letter like that this past year. At least in our hearts and in our prayers, I know that you have had those thoughts and those words. I don’t think anyone of us in my lifetime has ever been more ready for Mashiach then we are today. We’re exhausted. We’re wiped. We’re terrified of the ramifications of him not coming this Pesach. We see the clock turning back to October 6^th. The troops pulling out before the job is over, while threats loom over our heads. While evil still threatens to destroy us.

 We’ve seen the true faces of the world towards us once again, when the Shechina is not amongst us, and we are not in our home with Hashem shining His light out. How much they hate us. How little they care about our blood, our children, our hostages. How little they really want us in their country and think that we’re anything like them. It’s not just the nations either and perhaps that’s the scariest part. It’s Israel. It’s our brothers and sisters here that are just falling apart despite the so much we underwent and are going through together. It’s the government, it’s the courts, it’s the sinat chinam that’s sprouting up again. So much blood has been spilled, so much pain and the baby doesn’t seem to be coming out. It’s stuck. It’s strangling itself with its umbilical cord. Has this all been for naught?

 The birthing analogy I just stuck in there by the way is really no coincidence. I think all of us in Klal Yisrael finally get a little, or maybe even a big, taste of what takes place in that birthing room in the last final moments. The woman just has no koach to push anymore. She’s done. Just slice me open and take the kid out already. I’ve been going at this for hours. I can’t anymore. Make that nurse or Doula who keeps yelling in my ear with their unhelpful words of encouragement be quiet already.

 “Breathe!”

“Push!”

“Just a little bit more!”

“You can do it!”  

“C’mon! you’ve got it now…”.

Well, I don’t

. Hashem just make it over. Take the kid out and let me go to sleep. Yeah, I get what my wife felt like now. We all do.

 Well on that note, let’s take a look at the parsha- or letter Hashem has sent us to read this week in our Torah reading, strangely titled ‘Tazria’. I say strangely, because the majority of the parsha which is focused on the laws of purity and the tumah of tzara’as’-the spiritual blemishes that can afflict our people, has nothing to do with the first verse or few pesukim which begins with the laws of the tumah of a woman who gives birth. Or in the interesting Torah term for that word- a woman who is mazria- she plants or “seeds”. Why is that the title of the entire parsha and even more perplexing is why is the particular tumah of childbirth the introduction to all of the laws of impurity. Seemingly it’s not a major impurity. It would seem that the tumah of coming in contact with death, or of a Niddah, or even the metzorah should precede these laws. It even tells us that Yoledes, woman who has given birth is like a Niddah menstruating woman, despite not even having told us what that tumah is yet. Yet, it seems that Hashem is telling us that if we want to understand Tumah. If we want to understand the way that we will become purified to come to the Bais HaMikdash, then we have to first and foremost appreciate that it’s all part of Tazriah. We’re being planted.

 Now personally unlike my father who always loved gardening, I’ve never had a green thumb. I want a burger and fries in five minutes, well done please. I have no time to dig, to plant, to water, to hedge. I’ll skip the tomato, thank you. Pickles don’t really come from the ground anyways… right? Yet over the year and half or so of Shemitta where I spent a lot of time with farmers and this year as well with many volunteer chizuk trips to farms to help them with their crops, I’ve developed a better appreciation and awe for this holy work. It’s really amazing the entire process if you think about it. We take this ground. We seemingly dig it up, we plow, we overturn it, we take seeds and throw them in and bury them in the deepest, darkest, filthiest place. We then water them, we hedge them, we cut around them, and slowly slowly they start to flower. They start to grow. The fruit sprouts forth. It’s magic. It’s life. It’s a miracle.

 Think about childbirth and the process as well. It’s pretty much the same thing. We’ll skip the first steps, but just look at the mother once she become pregnant. Just don’t tell her how she looks. She’s fat, she’s in pain, she’s bloated. She’s stretching. And then poof. A brand new life is on this world. There is no one that has ever been in a birthing room and doesn’t feel that miracle. That doesn’t get all teared up when they hear that first healthy cry. The “Mazel Tov!” Especially if it’s a boy…

 But it started so dark. So ugly. So hidden. In a place and an act where one would think that Hashem is not present. Yet just as the farmer knows that what he’s doing is not just burying a seed in the dirt but rather is creating a new life, so too does that mother when she is implanted. When she is Tazriah. Because Hashem is everywhere. Because new life starts from a dark place where one doesn’t see Hashem. It’s how the world was created from nothing. It’s how each life is created again in this world. It’s how every plant and every tree and every animal that has a spirit of Hashem on whatever level comes into existence. And it is as well how the redemption will and has sprouted up in the past.

There is so much dirt and darkness in the world from where new life sprouts up every single day. It’s the only places that it comes from if you think about it. But do you know how it comes up from there? It comes when it is planted with love and knowledge that there is life being born. The farmer is working that field and he doesn’t see earth, he sees life. He sees the fruit that will sprout up. The mother doesn’t look at her belly and see fat. She doesn’t see veins. She sees and feels that heart of a new baby being developed inside of her. The Torah is telling us that when we see blemishes, when we see tzora’as, when we see Tumah, when we see death, when we see blood of life that hasn’t flourished and “seeded” in a niddah, it’s all Tazriah. It’s all part of a process of birth and a new life. It’s Toras Ha’Yoledes- it’s the Torah of the creation of a new world, that comes from that darkness.

 That’s why by the way, it’s only the Kohen that can tell and determine what tzara’as is. For only the Kohen who blesses us each day with love, who the Torah goes out of it’s way to tell us is a child of Aharon and his sons, and whose mantra was to be oheiv es ha’briyos- to love everyone. Only he can look at that tzora’as and see and convey the love that is there, the life and purity that will come from it. Only the Kohen can tell us that it is the way for us all to come back to the Beis Ha’Mikdash.

 This past week as well we read the last of the four supplemental parshiyot we started before Purim. It’s parshat Ha’Chodesh, the reading of the first mitzva given to our nation prior to our Exodus from Egypt; prior to our birth as a nation. It’s a parsha that Chazal and the first Rashi in the Torah tells us should’ve really been where the entire Torah started from. And what is this mitzva? It’s a mitzva that tells us that there is a process in creation called Rosh Chodesh that begins with the Bnai Yisrael. We count the months. A new frame of reference of time begins. Until now the world ran on a 7-day week and 365-day year. Now there’s something new. It’s called Chodesh- which means new. Something that didn’t exist before. Something that will be revealed by this new nation that’s about to born out of the darkness and slave pits of Mitzrayim.

 Rav Moshe Shapira, in an amazing piece explains the concept of Rosh Chodesh, that as opposed to a year which is called Shana, doesn’t work on the same system. Shana- also means repetition. We say Vi’shinantam li’vanecha- we have to keep repeating and teaching the same words of old, of Torah, again and again. The world was created in 6 days and on the 7^th day of Shabbos Hashem rested. Since then that process continues again and again. There is nature. The sun rises and the sun sets. Chodesh though is another framework of time. It’s the moon that gets smaller and smaller as each month ends and then it is reborn again. There is a molad. A yoledes.

 It is in the darkest night that it restarts again. We call it a new moon, despite the fact that it’s the same old moon, because we see in it a birth of a new framework of existence. We see that time doesn’t have to work as it always did, as the rest of the world sees it. With sunrises and sunsets like clockwork. Rather it’s a framework of time that Hashem said Klal Yisrael will establish and reveal to the world that reveals to us that there can be a new world; a new Creation that has never been before. One that is not teva- natural, but rather one that is of revelation of Hashem creating anew every aspect and every moment of our existence, that is not bound or limited by the hiddenness of a natural world that was created in 7 days and put into place. For just like a newborn baby, the whole world is before him, He has the potential for everything.

 That recognition of this new framework of time is the prelude to our birth. That’s what Rashi is telling us where the Torah should’ve really started from. Because that’s the real reality. That’s the birth and creation of the world that Hashem really wants to bring us to from the beginning. We start off our Seder with the strange phrase of

 Yachol Mei’Rosh Chodesh- we might think that already from the Rosh Chodesh of Nissan we could celebrate Pesach. This is even though we were still in Egypt and our enemies were still around us. They hadn’t been destroyed yet. It was still dark. We were still hostages. The redemption, the Temple, the land of Israel seemed so far away. They had a huge army. There was a sea that stood between us and our promised land. In the seven day a week, 365 day a year world that just repeats itself, it didn’t seem possible we would ever get there.

 Yet, on Rosh Chodesh we realized that world and that frame of reference wasn’t the real one. We were in a different zone. Seas could split in this new world. First Borns could die. Pharaoh could come running and begging us to leave and to even bless him. We could destroy every idol they have and slaughter it in their face. Every humanitarian principle, every politically correct convention, every resolution and hypocritical “ethical” Geneva code that a godless Amalekite world created for themselves that never applied to the am ha’nivchar, could finally be shown and declared to be the empty antisemitic standards that it is. Because the real world that was revealed to us on Rosh Chodesh is one of miracles. One that is born anew. One that although it looks dark, that looks blemished, that looks bloody, and tamei understands that it’s just a birth canal, a wheat field, an orchard, that is about to sprout new life.  A new life that could do and become whatever it wanted to.  

 Yes, you might think that already from Rosh Chodesh we could celebrate, we start off our Magid by the Seder saying.  But the Torah tells us that we can’t. We need to wait just a little bit longer until we have matza and maror in front of us. We need to wait until that Seder night, which is our birthing room for those last final pushes. When we feel and taste that bitterness, like we’ve never felt it before. And at the same time drink those four glasses of wine and have our bags packed and our matzas with no time to bake on our shoulders ready to go and leave.

 The baby never comes when you expect it. It’s always either early or late. It comes when you’re too tired to push. When you’ve had enough. But it comes at that moment when every mother turns to Hashem and says I’m entirely in Your hands. I can’t anymore. It’s not physically possible. That is the moment when the moon rises and is born. That is when it shines the brightest. As we saw in the most recent Solar Eclipse, which is certainly not coincidental, the power of the moon can even blot out the sun. The symbolism is so much deeper knowing that the moon is Israel’s frame of reference to overcome the natural teva of the world run by the sun. It’s when we become new. It’s when the whole world will celebrate. That is when it will all finally be over and when the New world will finally for the first time begin. Mazel Tov it’s a boy!

 Have a new Shabbos and a redemptive month of Nissan,

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

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CHIZUK/TZEDAKA OPPORTUNITY OF THE WEEK

Chesed Shel Emes- Nacham Ami- “True kindness”-The initiative to support the families of those murdered in the “Iron Swords” war.

 One of my greatest resources in the Chesed and Chizuk trips that I’ve been doing is meeting with families who have lost someone in this war, is with the help of this incredible volunteer organization. Started by a few Kollel wives and Chareidi women in order to help these families in the first days of the war , the organization has expanded from beyond giving information for Shiva and consolation visits, but to helping financially the families that desperately need assistance.

  In the “War” room of the project in Jerusalem sit 25 ultra-Orthodox women and girls who work in shifts: they scan the web, receive information from various institutions about the times of funerals and Shiva, and update it according to regions of the country for the sake of approximately three thousand volunteers who are active in seven WhatsApp groups. The volunteers come to the homes of the bereaved families, take part in the pain, listen to the stories and to the needs of the families, and honor the memory of those who murdered. We hope that the grieving families feel that the people of Israel surround them with love and share in their pain.

 Now the initiatives seek to reach out to more people around the world. Make the story of the 1400 murdered accessible to them. Allow them to share in the pain from and send consolation.

You can also take part from afar and contribute to this project. The donations will be transferred to the needs of the bereaved families and distributed to them according to their needs as soon as possible.

 PARTICULARLY BEFORE PESACH THERE ARE NINE FAMILIES WHO LOST LOVED ONES IN THE NOVA FESTIVAL THAT REQUIRE YOUR FINANCIAL HELP FOR THIS FIRST PAINFUL YOM TOV. PLEASE PLEASE FIND IN YOUR HEART TO CONTRIBUTE TO THEM AND LET THEM KNOW THAT THEY ARE OUR FAMILY AND WE ARE THERE FOR THEM.

PLEASE SEND ME SCREENSHOTS OF YOUR DONATIONS so i can forward to these holy women  and let them know that we appreciate and are one with them in all that they are doing.

 https://nachamuami.com/about/  – Here’s A LINK FOR THIS ORGANIZATION

 And here’s the link to donate * PLEASE VERY IMPORTANT WRITE FOR THE “NOVA FAMILIES” IN THE NOTES OF YOUR DONATIONS SO THAT YOUR CONTRIBUTION CAN BE DIRECTED TO THEM*

https://impactcubed.org/give/

YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

" Vus brentzach-Vet moshiakh geboyrn vern mit a tog shpeter.”- What’s burning? So the messiah will be born a day later

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

answer below at end of Email

2. The Christian holiday that is comparable to the Jewish Shavuot is called_____.

Which of the following figures is considered to be a “Protomartyr” in

Christianity?

A)  Stephen

B)  George

C)  Peter

D) Paul

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO OF THE WEEK

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/vehi-shemada  – My latest new release in honor of Pesach… You gotta hear this… It’s amazing, beautiful and Dovid Lowy knocked it out of the park…especially the shticky harmonies… You want to sing this by your Seder.

 

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/melech-rachamon   – Composed this hartzig Pesach song two years ago… But you have to suffer through the first 17 seconds of me singing to earn the right to hear the whole song… but don’t worry it’s so beautiful you won’t even remember afterwards my singing…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nINk8uj0sXE – and Joey’s latest with Ka’eileh, You know you’re excited that we’re gonna lein that soon right?

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8U-rbugZHOw  – I remember this song from my Bachurishe yohrnin in yeshiva. It’s from Reb Baruch Ber Zt”l… Appropriate for Pesach’s Shir Ha’shirim Kol Dodi Dofek done beautiful by Duvy Meisels

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9e4DreXvgo   – Benny Friedman with a new take on a Yid never (like a moon) in honor of Chodesh and the Eclipse

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S PARSHA PRAYER INSPIRATION OF THE WEEK

Heart Words- For many of us the biggest challenge of our prayers is thinking about what we say. The words just flow out of our mouths. It’s like a magic ritual that we just recite. Three times a day, again and again. The blessings we make before we eat, afterwards. Prayer is called Avoda she’belev- it is work of the heart. There are two things that are important for it to work. Number one is to understand that it is work. And the second is that it has to come from and penetrate our heart.

 Now although this challenge applies to all of our prayers, but particularly when we are in such an elongated period of prayers for this war its hard to keep it fresh and not just say the words. And that’s even with the knowledge that we need our prayers now more than ever. So perhaps this column and insight this week from our parsha might help with that a bit.

 

There is a fantastic midrash Shochar Tov in the beginning of the book of Tehillim, I’ll just quote the part that’s relevant to this lesson

 “Rabbi Yehoshua ben Karcha said that it says the word Ashrei twenty times in the book of Tehillim that correspond to… Rebbi says it says it twenty two times corresponding to the letters of the aleph beis… and on all of them King David said

 “yehiyu l’ratzon imrei fi v’hegyon libi lifanecha- may the words of my mouth and thoughts of my heart be desirous before you”

 That they should do this for generations and it should be established for generations and they should not be read like the books of “Moryus”- (Homer?). Rather they should read and contemplate them and receive reward like the laws of  nega’im blemishes and Ohalos -the purity of tents.”

 There are a lot of fascinating insights in this midrash. I just want to focus in our limited space on the insight of the Sefat Emes who asks what does Tehillim and Dovid’s request specifically have to do with Nega’im and Ohalos? After-all there are a lot of different areas in the Torah that this could be compared to. What’s unique about these laws that our recitation of Tehillim, Dovid asks, should be compared and rewarded to.

 He explains that the law is that the rules of blemishes and purity of a tent is only done through a Kohen. And if there is no Kohen available that is knowledgeable then one must bring a scholar to tell the Kohen what the law is and the Kohen merely must recite whatever the Talmid Chacham tells him. The Kohen’s words work even though he doesn’t really understand them. Similarly, Dovid requested that although there is so much depth in the words of Tehillim, yet we simple people don’t always understand what we are saying or how to say them precisely. Thus he asked Hashem that the mere recitation alone should be able to give us and achieve our desired requests alone just like the laws of blemishes when the Kohen doesn’t know what he’s saying.

 The truth is each prayer of Shemona Esrei we conclude with those words of Dovid Hamelech that our thoughts and the words of our mouth should be desirous before Hashem. There are two conditions though, there has to be thoughts and there has to be words. Many times our thoughts are not really thoughts. We’re dreaming. We’re traveling the world. We’re thinking about where we need to go next. But at least we said the words of our mouth. Other times it’s the opposite, we recited the words but we didn’t pay any attention to them. They just came out, but deep in our hearts we have desires, we have fervent thoughts. Thoughts about redemption, about the return of our hostages, about a refuah shlaima- complete healing for all those injured, for those suffering, thoughts for parnasa, for help, for our children and our families. We had the thoughts in our hearts but never connected them to the words. Thus we ask Hashem that He should put them together. That he should accept them. That He should answer them, like He answered Dovid. That’s how we conclude each prayer and that’s why as well, many have the custom to recite this specific verse at the end of every prayer that we recite.

 There’s no reason to feel helpless when Davening if we didn’t have complete Kavana. Dovid already prayed that it should work for us even without the complete intent. It’s our blemish, it’s our purity of tents. That’s what connects us to Hashem. We’re trying to get close and get purified. In that merit alone Hashem will answer us.

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

722 BC-The Pesach Sin of Chizkiya- So last week we discussed the Pesach offering of Chizkiya’s generation which the Navi tells us was the greatest one since the times of Dovid and Shlomo. I presented it as two Pesch Sacrifices, the first being in Nisan and the second being in the following month where those that didn’t make it from the other tribes, the first time around or those that were unpure- or tamei came and did it as a Pesach Sheini- 2nd month make up offering. Well, that’s not necessarily the entire story. Like all good Jewish things this 2nd Pesach of Chikziya seems to be up for debate and interpretation.  

 The Talmud tells us that there were a few things that Chizkiya did that we will learn about that the Rabbis of his time were happy with and others that they weren’t. You can’t please all the people all the time, I guess. One of those things was the fact that they say he made the year of this Pesach offering into a leap year. He added a month. The question is though what that means? Now to explain before the establishment of the set calendar that we currently have, which dates back to Hillel in the 2^nd Temple period, the months were established by the court and the king. They were able to make an extra month when they felt it was necessary for agricultural or even political reasons. We have that extra month in order to coordinate that Pesach always falls out in the spring. That extra month though is always at the end of the winter in the month of Adar like we have this year.

 According to one opinion Chizkiya added that extra month though in the month of Nissan already making a second Nissan. He did that in order that the rest of the tribes could come and bring their offering of Pesach. That would seem to explain why when the Navi describes the holiday for the second time around it’s why they celebrated it for 7 days when usually Pesach Sheini in Iyar would only be for one day. Other opinions similarly with that same rationale say that the ibur leap year was added on the last day of Adar but it was also after the time it was meant to be added. These opinions follow the rule that even though the nation was impure, yet it’s permitted to bring a Pesach offering when the majority of the nation is in that state. Tumah hutra b’tzibur- for the sake of the congregation it’s permitted and thus it shouldn’t have been pushed off.

 According to other opinions though, Chizkiya only pushed off and added a second month of Nissan after the first offering was brought. This was done only after he realized that so many weren’t tahor or hadn’t come to do it the first time. The problem is that as we said the extra month has to be added at the end of the year rather than the beginning of the year. So it would seem that the month when they brought the sacrifice wasn’t a Pesach Sheini offering at all. It was Nissan take II. The sages weren’t happy about that as well, as Chizkiya had missed the boat. He shouldn’t have made a second month for this. And the truth of the matter is, fascinatingly enough, it didn’t work… sort of. You see the people weren’t ready the second time either. There were many that even the second round also were still tamei. They didn’t believe it would really happen. And so they sinfully ate as well. No one stopped them. No one threw stones at them. They were violating the law and eating impure and yet it happened seemingly against the Rabbis will.

 What makes this most incredible is that we find that Chizkiya davened to Hashem after this offering and Pesach and begged forgiveness for the people. They had meant well. They were trying to get close. They didn’t sin out of spite but rather out of love, out of teshuva. Hashem please forgive them. And he did. Unlike the offering of Nadav and Avihu who sinned on that first day of the coronation of the Mishkan in Nissan that Hashem killed, here he forgave. Here he didn’t allow it to upset the simcha. Here he finally accepted us. It’s an amazing story, with so many perspectives and lessons, that I want you to think about. Look it up. Learn it. And perhaps maybe in that merit we will once again merit to have that offering this Pesach again.

 RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE CHILDBIRTH JOKES OF THE WEEK

Watching your wife in childbirth...Is like watching your favourite pub burn down.

Whoever coined the term ‘delivery’ for childbirth made a big mistake. It should have been called takeout instead.

 A woman walks into a library and asks for a book on childbirth. The Librarian says "Try over there in the C section."

 God created childbirth to give women the chance to experience what it's like...For a guy to catch a cold....

 I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience..."

"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."

 A blonde gave birth to two beautiful babies, twins, however, she cries endlessly! The nurse then tells her "But see madame! Why are you crying ? You are now mother of 2 beautiful babies, in good health!

- I know, says the blonde, but I do not know who the father of the second one is!

She was a new nurse in the maternity ward in Israel, not aware of the miraculous births that take place here. As she entered the first room she saw a new mother with 4 newborn babies lying next to her in their hospital bassinets. “Wow” she said “are all of these yours?”

 “Yes” said the new mother. “I just had quadruplets last night, but actually…” she said “that’s quite common.  You see, I come from the city of Kiryat Arba (the Israeli community translated as “village of four) and a lot of my friends have four children.”

“Pretty amazing” the nurse thought as she went to the next room. Much to her surprise the next patient was lying down with 7 little infants around her. “Are these all yours?” she again asked in shock. “Certainly” the proud mom exclaimed, “I’m from Be’er Sheva (the well of seven) and many of us have septuplets”.

The next room had a mother from the city of Kiryat Shmona (the city of eight) and sure enough 8 adorable little babies were pleasantly cooing around the mother’s bed. When the nurse came to the next room though, she immediately turned around and started running out of the hospital. On her way out the doctors asked her where she was going. With a sign of total resignation, the poor lady said “I quit! There’s no way I am going in the next room”.

“Why? What’s the matter?” the doctor said.

“Don’t you know,” the exasperated and clearly overwhelmed nurse responded. “The lady in the last room is from Meah Shearim!

 

What do you call a group of baby soldiers? An infantry

What’s a group of chubby newborns called? Heavy infantry

 A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Doctor, what’s going on?” asked the concerned father-to-be.

“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”

 What do you call a cow that had a baby? De-calf-inated

  What do you call a group of baby garbage bins? A litter

 Mrs. Goat: “Honey, we’re going to have a baby!”

Mr. Goat: “You’re kidding.”

 Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky? I guess you can say the baby was airborne.

 Did you hear about the lady who had her baby while on an Ocean Cruise? She needed a sea section

 Little Berel’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, “Where’d we get him?”

His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Berel.”

Berel exclaimed, “Wow… I can see why they threw him out!”

 How did the baby tell her mom she had a wet diaper? She sent her a pee-mail (sorry couldn’t resist..)

 How can you tell the gender of a baby?

If he cries it’s a boy

If she cries, it’s a girl

 I sat next to a baby on a ten-hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight. Even though the baby was impressed, I pulled it off

 I requested the flight attendant to switch my seat as I was next to a screaming baby. Apparently, you are not allowed to do that if the baby is yours

**********************************

 The answer to this week”s question is A– I just have no kpoach for these dumb Christian questions. Really… Hopefully Mashiach will be here soon and we can just blow up all of these idolatrous churchs in this country. I got this one half right. The first part is easy Pentacost is an easy holiday to remember because penta is 50 and Shavuos is 50 days from Pesach. The second part though I really had no clue, nor do I care who the first martyr is of these ridiculous Christians made-up faith. I guessed George the answer was Stephen. Like I said who cares? Os it’s a half right for me.  And the score is   Rabbi Schwartz 1.5 and Ministry of Tourism .5 on this exam so far.

Air Force One- Parshat Tazria/ HaChodesh 2022 5782

 

Insights and Inspiration

from the

Holy Land

from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

"Your friend in Karmiel"

April 1^st 2022 -Volume 11 Issue 26 29^th Adar Beis 5782

Parshat Tazriah- HaChodesh

Air Force One

 

Have you ever had one of those moments when you just had to laugh, Not because something was funny. Quite the opposite, it’s really quite ironically miserable. You thought you had something all figured out. You were good to go. And then everything explodes in your face. The whole thing blows up. So, what do you do? You really want to cry. But instead laughter comes out of your mouth. It just became very funny for some reason. You don’t know why. But that’s what happens to you. I don’t know if that’s happened to you before, so let me tell you it’s a really strange experience.

 

I’ll back up a little for you. See, I’m on the plane now, heading off to shmutz la’aretz- y’know the Diaspora where many of you readers I’ll still stuck living. My nephew Tzviki is becoming Bar Mitzva this Shabbos. So it’s off to Norfolk, my old stomping grounds for a short weekend visit. Now originally I was all excited when I saw the date of this Bar Mitzva. It was perfect timing. The last week of Adar and the first week of Nissan are usually the slowest tour guiding season of the year. I could go into the States and spend some time there and visit some friends and relatives and recover a bit from what has been a very busy three months or so of tour guiding since they’ve reopened the country.

 

Yet, little did I know how crazy this year would be. It seems like they opened up the gates to some hot kiddush in Israel and everyone is just pouring into the country and this week and next week got booked up as well. I couldn’t miss the BM though so I’m flying out tonight after a full day tour on the 1:00 AM Thursday flight and leaving Norfolk Sunday afternoon to get back here in time for my Tuesday tour. I’m not even going home when I arrive in Israel as my tour will be from Jerusalem the next day! And then it will be crazy busy till a week after Pesach. Hashem is certainly giving the blessing of the year after our 2 years of tour guide Corona shemitta.

 

With that return of tourism and imaginably with the increased demand, ticket prices to Israel went up and up and up. The original tickets I had priced at $500 had gone up to about $1100 by the time I booked (to Norfolk). I was annoyed. But what could you do? You snooze, you lose. What really got me annoyed though was that starting a few days before my flight I started hearing these horror stories about hours long wait in the airport to get out. I’m not a “line” person. I have no patience for these things. I avoid them at all costs. I had a tour that whole day. I was already dreading it.

 

To make matters worse when it came time to check in I realized that there is this new scam going on American Airlines where they charge you to reserve a regular seat. They had “auto-assigned” me the worst seat on the plane. The center seat right next to the bathroom. I wondered how many other people got auto assigned that seat. I will be tired. I have a long weekend coming up. I will need to sleep. I can’t be stuck between two people next to the bathroom, or airplane minyan factory. So I look up how much it costs to reserve a regular aisle seat. Ahhh $12… not that bad… Oops sorry all the $12 seats are gone. Ok what’s next? $72! Wow…. That’s crazy. I can’t do that. I ask Aliza what to do. She thinks it’s a scam and when I get to the airport I’ll be fine. That’s easy for her to say. She’s not flying…. I decide to call them and after about 45 minutes they tell me that there are only a few aisle seats left but now the price is $95. Aarrgghh. Now I’m really annoyed. Back on the phone with Aliza. Getting anxious about the flight. Finally I say the heck with it. It’s only money. I’ve been busy. I need my rest. I’ll do it. So went back on line. Bought the stinkin seats which by that time had gone up to $127. (Such ganovim…, I muttered under my breath…). And that’s it I felt better. A sigh of relief. I was good to go. Or so I thought.

 

I got to the airport four and half hours before my flight. There were long lines. But eventually I made it through and got on the plane. I make my way to my seat. My $127 paid extra aisle seat. That’s $127 over the already $1100 plane ticket. Seat 28H. Little did I know that I would have a welcoming committee when I got there. 3 year old Moishy from 27G looked very cute with his toy cars and Lego spread all over my seat. His 8 month old sister Fraidy- not so much. She had a nice healthy set of lungs and she seemed to be quite keen on showing them off. It was then that I started to laugh. All my anxiety about my flight, about being able to sleep, the hours on the phone to try to figure out a solution, the truly obscene amount of money that I eventually shelled out just so I should have a quiet, peaceful flight that will leave me well rested and recuperated from 8 weeks of non-stop touring so I could have some energy for the Bar Mitzva, for the speeches I would give, for this E-Mail I would have to write and the learning I have to catch up with. And here I was next to Fraidy and Moishie and their rather apologetic parents all looking pitifully on the Rabbi who got the worst seat on the plane. So I laughed.

 

It’s all good, I told them. I’m fine. I love little kids, I lied to them. They were very cute, I exaggerated a bit more. I turned my eyes to heaven and smiled at Hashem and His divine sense of humor. I get it, I whispered. You’re smarter than me. I’m good with it. It will be what it will be. I sat down and removed Moishy’s little toy cars from my seat, except for the little one that got stuck in between the back of the seat and only revealed itself when it poked me. I buckled myself in and closed my tired eyes and waited for the flight to takeoff.

 

Suddenly like a bas kol from heaven the voice of the head stewardess came on the PA system.

 

“We are looking for a volunteer to trade seats for an aisle seat that doesn’t mind sitting next to a woman. If there is anyone that would be able to help us out so that we don’t have to delay the flight any longer we would greatly appreciate it. Thank you in advance for your consideration”

 

I was up and standing on my chair, waving my hand vigorously before she even finished the first sentence. I’m just a helpful kind of guy. The stewardess came over to me and led me towards the back of the plane to that aisle seat and then I realized and told the stewardess that in truth I had paid extra money for my seat online and it had a bit that extra inch or two of legroom or so they claim.

“Oh don’t worry it’s no problem. We really appreciate you helping us out with this situation here. Why don’t you come with me” she said as she turned around back towards the front of the plane towards… the business section!

 

“Here, why don’t you sit right in that seat over there”, she said and pointed to the big bulky welcoming armchair. Do you think that will be fine for you? I smiled. Hashem was good. The truth is it wasn’t an aisle seat. There was a Chasidic 18 year old kid sitting next to me. But I didn’t care. It was business classs. I felt like Rechnitz. I was good to go. But Hashem it seems really loves me. Because a few minutes later the stewardess came over to that Chasidish kid and asked him if that was his seat, which he confessed it wasn’t but “thought” since it was opened he would be able to sit in. After all zeh neheneh v’zeh lo chasar- It’s not like anyone is losing on this seat anyways. Well she explained, quite nicely I thought, that people paid lots of money for those seats and Talmudic logic doesn’t really work here. And then she turned to me, her favorite volunteer and told me I could have the aisle seat and have the empty seat next to me to stretch out with as well. Ahhh… Did I mention how much Hashem loves me? I’m not sure why exactly but I suspect it has something to do with my laugh. Or maybe just the way Hashem blessed me with looking at things.

 

On the subject of looking at things, we come to this week’s Torah portion which really is all about looking at things and seeing things in a different light. Our Parsha which is called Tazria is mostly about the spiritual impurity called tzara’as that comes out in the form of various leprosy looking blemishes on ones skin, clothing and even houses. There are many fascinating aspects and even mystical details related to this strange biblical affliction, which the Chafetz Chaim explains we no longer have today because we don’t have a Kohen that could properly identify and discern them nor a temple where we can bring sacrifices to become purified. So Hashem had mercy upon us and stopped sending us messages in this way. Yet, the study of any Torah laws always has eternal messages for us. And one thing is certain we have not yet been cured of the sickness and sins that would bring tzora’as.

 

One of the most unique laws and proofs even mentioned that this is a spiritual ailment is that one is not considered a metzora and impure until the Kohen sees the blemish and declares it such. In fact when it comes to one’s house we remove all of ones unpurifiable vessels from the home before the Kohen arrives and declares it tamey- impure. If it would be a regular physical malady obviously it wouldn’t make a difference if the Kohen saw it or not, just like a tumor is still a tumor whether the oncologist sees and a cavity is still a cavity whether then dentist sees it or not- although I have always had a suspicion that Dentists actually cause cavities by cleaning out all of that plaque in my teeth that are keeping those holes nice and filled. But Tzora’as being a spiritual malady needs that keen of the Kohen for it to become impure. Until his declaration the man is as pure as the Kohen Gadol.

 

Another strange aspect about this tzora’as thing is that it seems like a feeble message from Hashem. I mean what is it already? A little blemish? A blister like discoloration with a few white hairs growing out of it?  According to our sages the punishment of Tzora’as comes for the most severe sins and character trait deficiencies. Lashon Hara, arrogance, stinginess are sins that are compared to the worst sins. Why is a little blister or pimple the appropriate punishment?

 

The answer perhaps is that it really isn’t meant to be a punishment. Quite the opposite it’s a rehabilitative process. It’s meant to teach him and all of us who suffer from these character traits that we need to look at things differently. We need to look at things through the eyes of the Kohen. We need to look at situations and appreciate that perhaps we’ve been focusing on too many blemishes and hiccups in life and that other people might possess and we don’t realize that they are all really the purest of the pure. Even more pure than we can imagine. Only the Kohen a descendant of Aharon who possesses that genetically passed down quality of loving each Jew, of blessing them with that love every day. Only he can objectively declare something as being tainted and having a quality that is impure. He has that power because he also has the power to heal that person with those eyes of love. The eyes of faith that see Hashem in everyone and every situation.

 

When someone speaks Lashon Hara about someone else, they are focusing on their blemishes. When one is stingy or as our sages put it a tzar ayin- a narrow eyed person. It’s because he is being pessimistic about life. He feels that he needs to hold on and control everything. He’s gotta pay $127 for the ticket on the plane. When one is arrogant as well he’s missing that Hashem is really in control. That we are powerless without him. We are in fact spiritually blemished when we don’t see Him above in skies. On top of our airplanes. On top of our spaceships. Above our science and technology and medical advances. Running the whole Universe since the beginning of time and doing a remarkably divine job of it for that matter. Far better than what we think might’ve been doing with it.

 

So Hashem sends us a small little blemish. Something for us to start looking at daily. Something that will teach us that perhaps we’ve been focusing too much on those little blips and making big stories out of them. When we see them on ourselves, on our own clothes, on our own homes we recognize that those marks and our own failures and warts or stains are not really ever how we identify ourselves. We’re more than just those little ugly discolorations. We’re really pure with just a few stains that have to be cleaned, that can be purified. That just needs a little bit of teshuva and the eyes of the loving Kohen to remind us of how pure we are. How our eternal spark will always remain holy. How Hashem is there for us even when we think we might be doing it better. And then we can laugh. Then we can rejoice. Then we can rejoin and take and fulfill our essential part in the mosaic of the Jewish nation in revealing Hashem’s glory in the tapestry that is our people. We are one and His name that shines forth from us will share that knowledge with the world.

 

This Shabbos we enter the month of Nissan. It is Rosh Chodesh. We will read from three Torah scrolls. Tazria which is the purity of the Jewish people, Rosh Chodesh which is the revelation of Hashem in the sphere of time by our nation and Parshat Hachodesh the parsha that celebrates the mitzvos of Pesach when Hashem is revealed in the world. May this month of Nissan herald in the final redemption and may the Torah readings that we read bring us to the day when the prophets tell us az yimaleh schok pinu- then our mouths will be filled with laughter. The whole world will rejoice in the understanding that we really are all in first class seats the whole time.

 

Have an amazing Shabbos and a redemptive Rosh Chodesh Nisan,

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

************************

HEY GUYS!

 PURIM IS OVER AND PESACH IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER? ARE YOU READY YET?

WELL IF YOU HAVEN”T ORDER RABBI SCHWARTZES

MOST ENJOYABLE BOOKS YOU”LL EVER READ ABOUT PESACH VOLUME I AND II

THAN I DON”T THINK SO….

Five years ago Rabbi Schwartz published his original work

aptly titled

 

"The Most Enjoyable Book You'll Ever Read About Pesach"

http://holylandinsights.blogspot.com/2016/04/rabbi-schwartzs-new-bookmost-enjoyable.html

 

that totally sold out and has been since reprinted

Last year during CORONA he came out with his second volume

“Your Most Enjoyable  You’ll Ever Read About Pesach Book 2.0.

https://holylandinsights.blogspot.com/2022/03/rabbi-schwartzs-next-most-enjoyable.html

From the slave pits in Egypt to the jungles of Africa, the streets of Jerusalem to the locked-down houses in Karmiel, Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz with his enthusiasm, inspiration and laughter, guides you through the holiday of Pesach as you've never experienced it before.

Whether you've joined him on tours, read his Mishpacha magazine columns, been inspired by his teachings, or whether you just like his picture on the cover of this book, you are sure to be enlightened, inspired and entertained. Forget about the lockdowns, forget about the masks, step into the light of freedom and appreciate Pesach in the most enjoyable way

GREAT CHAPTERS INCLUDE

IMAGINARY WORLDS

SCAR-PLACE

JUNGLE TIME

CORO-NACHAS

THE FIRST SEDER

ZAYDIE MAYSEHS

PLAGUE-DEMIC

HITTING THE JACKPOT

GALUS AMERICA

THE MORNING AFTER

and much much more

It's the perfect Pesach Prep book, an amazing Seder accompaniment and the perfect way to enjoy your holiday as never before

From the back cover

Quotes- That Were 'Never' Said

Our father is a very wise man and we love listening quietly at the Shabbos table to his Torah E-mails -My children

This book will cure Corona; if you read it you will not need a vaccine, you will not need to be locked down, and your children will go to school forever. Trust us we know what we are doing- The Ministry of Health.

This book contains no pictures of women and barely mentions any female names— besides the ones who make chulent- Most Jewish magazines

The best part of the lockdown is the quality family time we've enjoyed while developing new healthy eating habits. Please pass the Brussels sprouts - the Author.

THE BOOK IS ALREADY IN AMERICA

 (taking up place in my brother in laws house who is on standby to ship them all out…)

SO…please respond to this E-Mail to Rabbi Schwartz

The book is one  for $20 (65 NIS) donation to the Young Israel of Karmiel and Rabbi Schwartz'es weekly insights or both for $36

 (plus $5 shipping in States where necessary)

Please be in touch and support our local Shul and give your family some Pesach reading that they will all be fighting over!

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If you missed the VOLUME I original Book

"The Most Enjoyable Book You'll Ever Read About Pesach"

you can order both for the special price

$36 (120 NIS) !!

With the same instructions as above!

***********************

IT’S THAT TIME OF MONTH!!

RABBI SCHWARTZES LATEST MISHPACHA MAGAZINE TOUR

Check out this month’s fantastic amazing enlightening tour of the incredibly historic city of Torah

TIVERYA

https://mishpacha.com/bread-upon-the-waters/

Great stories and history that you never knew about this city!

A tour like you’ve never seen before.

Like the column?

Tell them, share, like, comment and make sure to come soon and visit

************************************************

 

**************

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My weekly 10 minute or less video short last week's Parsha

Here's last week's Video

 

THE PARAH-FICATION OF THE DEATH OF A TZADIK

https://youtu.be/GWcOpKKbtso  

 

  You can get the weekly Rabbi Schwartz video by subscribing to my Youtube page on the above link. Or alternatively by Facebook friending me

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RABBI SCHWARTZ’S FAVORITE YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

 

Got shikt di kelt noch di klaider- God send the weather according to your clothing

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO OF THE WEEK

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DPoHlvPvEc    – If you have not yet seen this yet. You don’t want to miss it… Rabbi Schwartz at the Artscroll Siyum Yerushalmi video touring Tiverya

 

https://youtu.be/qbkntJ9QqVU  – Kulam Eilecha Yashiru- Micha Gammermans new fun song and video..

https://youtu.be/JelDLSeE1o8 – Avraham Fried and Tomer Addadi great Shlomi Shabbat song Ein Od Milvado

 

https://youtu.be/-gSYMGFCEMs  – Shlomo Carlebach Chodesh Nissan

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kwknLuIMbIk – Carlebach Yehi HaChodesh Hazeh!

 

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

answer below at end of Email

 

21)  An inscription reminiscent of the priestly divisions (mishmarot ha’kehuna) was found in the synagogue at: _________

The settlement of the priestly divisions in the North of the Land of Israel is related to:

A)  The decrees of Antiochus

B)  The destruction of the First Temple

C)  The destruction of the Second Temple

D)  The Jewish rebellion against Gallus 

           

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S PARSHA/SHABBOS CONNECTION OF THE WEEK

 

The 8^th Day of the Week -Parshat Tazria-  Who knows 7?  I know 7! 7 are the days of the week… Do you know that song from your Pesach Seder night? Well if you don’t start practicing it. This week’s Torah portion though has more than just 7 days of the week. We find that 7 is the number that seems to pop up all over the place. A woman has a boy she is impure for 7 days. A boy has a Bris on the 8^th day but that is really only significant because he has gone through 7 days first. A female that is born makes her mother impure for 14 days or 2 times 7. We have 7 days or 2 times 7 days popping up by the Metzora which are the time periods of his repeated lock ups or quarantines. Similarly by the quarantines of the house. There’s just lots of 7s floating around.

 

The Talmud tells us that 7 is Hashem’s favorite number. ‘Hashem loves 7’s”. All of the holidays are 7 days. It is the number of the days of Creation. Except that it really isn’t. See the world was really created in 6 days. On the 7^th day Hashem infused it with holiness and His spirit. On the 7^th day the world got it’s neshoma of Shabbos. And from that neshoma it draws it’s spiritual energy and it’s source for all life. For anything to really experience existence it has to go through a Shabbos first.

 

There are however, as we mentioned last week, two aspects to Shabbos. Positive and negative. Removing forces that impede our ability to connect to Hashem, and the infusion of His holiness. There are times when one can just tap into the holiness and experience Shabbos and that special soul after one Shabbos. It’s why all the holidays require one Shabbos to pass through them so we can get to the soul of that particular week. On the other hand when one is impure, a metzora who has a spiritual blockage, then it depends how deep that blockage goes. Sometimes he can kick it after just one Shabbos. He has a shortage of the holiness of Shabbos and one Shabbos with that taste of the above is enough to kickstart him back. Other times it is too deep. He needs to first have a Shabbos to remove the tuma and take away and counter the negative. Then only then can he have the second Shabbos that will infuse him once again with the spirituality to rejoin the camp.

 

As well that is the idea and difference between male and female. For the male was created first in the world. He was born into a world that was perfect. One Shabbos is enough to return to that source of holiness and he can reenter the covenant with Hashem. A woman though being the one that lead man to sin in the garden. Her birth requires a second Shabbos of purity. The first to remove the stain of sin from the world that she introduced. The second, like Adam to rejoin and taste that spirit of Shabbos. To rejuvenate the soul.

 

Yes, Hashem loves sevens. For seven is that power to come back to the beginning. To start once again. To return to the most loving moment of Creation. What can be better than that?

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

 

Will pick up again next week…

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE AIRPLANE JOKES OF THE WEEK

On a Northwest Airways flight from Atlanta, GA., a middle-aged, well-to-do woman found herself sitting next to a man wearing a kippa. She called the attendant over to complain about her seating. 'What seems to be the problem Madam?' asked the attendant. You've sat me next to a Jew!! I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting person. Find me another seat!' 'Please calm down Madam.' the attendant replied. 'The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class.' The woman shoots a snooty look at the snubbed Jewish man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).

A few minutes later the attendant returned. The woman could not help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin.

The flight attendant then says...'Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class.'

Before the lady has a chance to respond, the attendant continues...'It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next to such a person.'

The flight attendant turned to the Jewish man sitting next to her, and said: 'So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat in first class ready for you...'

The lady says indignantly 'I think that The Captain must have made some kind of mistake.'

To which the attendant replied,' No M'am. Captain Cohen never makes any mistakes.'

 

An Israeli test pilot is working on new jet design and he’s getting frustrated. He gets up to Mach 2 and the wings shear at the fuselage. Nothing the engineers recommend seems to fix the problem. He remembers that in Brooklyn, there is a great rabbi who is also an engineer so he calls the rabbi for advice.

“Take a drill and where the wings meet the fuselage, drill holes all around the junction of the wings. It sounds illogical, but I promise it will work!” the rabbi promises.

The Pilot takes his jet up and boosts the speed: Mach 1, OK. Mach 2, OK. Mach3, Ok. Mach 4, Ok. Mach 5, OK. Amazing! The pilot lands the jet and immediately calls the rabbi.

“Rabbi, how did you know?” he asks. “It defies all reason!”

The rabbi responds, “I'm 85. I've conducted Pesach seders for 65 years. Not ONCE in all those years did I ever see a piece of matzoh break along the holes!”

 I asked a flight attendant to change my seat because of a crying baby next to me. It turns out you can’t do that if the baby is yours.

 A plane lands, and shortly after, the flight attendant comes over the speaker. “Hi, folks! Sorry about that rough landing. It wasn’t the captain’s fault. It definitely wasn’t my fault… It was the asphalt.”

 Chaim Yankel from Chelm couldn’t contain his excitement – this was the first time in his life that he was going to ride an airplane.

The plane took off and everything seemed to be going OK until Chaim Yankel heard a loud noise come from outside the plane. The captain came on the intercom and said, "Attention passengers, we just lost one of our engines; but don't worry, the other three engines will keep us up. Also, we will arrive at our destination about an hour behind schedule."

Half an hour later, another loud noise sounded from outside the plane. The captain once again came on the intercom, "Attention passengers, do not be alarmed. We lost another engine, but the other two will still keep us flying. We will arrive at our destination about three hours late."

After the captain said this, Chaim Yankel leaned over to the passenger next to him and said, "Oy, if those other two engines go out, we'll be up here forever."

 Who invented the first airplane that wouldn’t fly? The Wrong Brothers.

 A man walks up to the counter at the airport. “Can I help you?” asks the agent. “I want a roundtrip ticket,” says the man. “Where to?” asks the agent. “Right back to here,” he replies.

 I tried to carry my board game onto the airplane, but security said I couldn’t do it. The risk was too big.

I threw my phone from the roof, and it broke. I guess airplane mode wasn’t working.

How often do airplanes crash? Just once.

 It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.

“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.

“What are my choices?” Moishe asked.

“Yes or no,” she replied.

 On a recent flight from New York to Los Angeles, Estelle, mother of Sara, stands up and shouts, "Is there a doctor on the plane?"

A young man rushes to her isle and says, "I’m Dr. Silverman, what’s the problem?"
Estelle replies, "I want you to meet my daughter Sara."

 What do you call an airplane that flies backward? A receding airline.

 A vulture walks into an airplane with a rotting corpse. The flight attendant screams, “You cannot bring that on this plane.” The vulture says, “It’s just my carrion.”

 What do you call it when you’re sick of being in the airport? Terminal illness.

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Answer is C -So sometimes I get questions wrong and I feel silly that I messed up because I think I knew the right reason and I should’ve thought about it a bit more. Here, that happened to me, but then the 2^nd answer that I thought was the right answer was also wrong and I learn something new which is one of the reasons why I do this weekly. So I answered that the place where they found it was Sdei Terumos. I remembered there was an important inscription with borders of Israel for teruma and Maaser and Sheviis there. But I was doubly wrong. Number one it wasn’t in Sdei Terumos it was next door in the settlement of Rechov. The second thing is that this wasn’t the Mishmeres Kehuna that was there. It was actually found in Caaesarea which maybe I knew at one point in time, but don’t even think I put into my Mishpacha magazine article. There was also one found in Ashkelon, so how’s that? The second part of the answer though I got right, as until the destruction of the 2^nd Temple they were pretty much in Jerusalem. After the destruction they moved up North. So the score is now Schwartz 16.5 and 4.5 for MOT (Ministry of Tourism) on this exam.