Karmiel

Karmiel
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Showing posts with label mitzvot. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mitzvot. Show all posts

Thursday, August 3, 2023

Natural Heeling- Parshat Eikev 2023 /5783

 

Insights and Inspiration

from the

Holy Land

from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

"Your friend in Karmiel"

August 4th 2023 -Volume 12 Issue 43 17th of Av 5783

 

Parshat Eikev

Natural Heeling

Yair is a friend of mine. But he’s a bit different than you and I. We live in the city or the suburbs. We have a house. We get our food from the supermarket or lately it seems more often than not at hotels for breakfast, falafel and pizza stores for lunch and some nice restaurants for dinner. Oyy the rough life of being a tour guide. We spend an inordinate amount of time on our phone and computer. We have children that see Dadddy do that and can’t wait till they grow up and do and have all that too.

I’ll never forget how a few years ago I took my little 5 year old Tully along with me on Friday afternoon to Tzfat, and showed him all the sites. What most enthralled him though was all the free drinks and ice creams many of my frequent restaurants and kiosks were giving me and him as we passed by-in appreciation of the frequent customers that I’m there with. At the end of the day Tully warmed my heart when he turned to me and said

“Daddy, I also want to be a tour guide like you”. After a few minutes though he became very somber and concerned and looked at me  and asked

“Do I have to be fat to be a Tour guide…?”

Well that’s one question that my son won’t have to ask me anymore...

But anyways, back to Yair. Yair is different. He is not fat. In fact he is skinny. He does not live in a city, suburb or even a house. He lives in the forest. Yaar Baal Shem Tov to be precise. He is married with 5 kids. I believe that he might have a computer. His phone is definitely not anything too ‘smart’. He does have a nice piano though, out there in his small home-made shack in the woods. He also has a hand operated washing machine that he’s quite proud of having made.

Food? Well, Yair and his lovely wife Tovi and their children are vegans. They only like to eat what’s natural. Unlike me who also likes natural though I define it as food that doesn’t bite me when I put it in my mouth, they only eat things that comes out of the ground. No milk or cheese either.

“Just like Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden” he tells me. He does have goats though, but that’s just because he like the sounds that they make.

The water they have on good days comes in from a pipe that runs a few kilometers from a natural water source nearby. It gets clogged up, but they don’t need so much.

“Vegans, don’t really sweat” he tells me.

He does have solar panels that provide some electricity for their lights. He feels like he’s cheating a bit by doing this, and even points out to me that even the energy efficient LED bulbs he has attracts bugs, which natural fire wouldn’t- he claims. Although I remember getting bitten up by all the campfires I used to go to. But maybe because those mosquitos also wanted a taste of those hotdogs or s’mores that I had just eaten, that of course wouldn’t be found in Yair’s ‘natural’ lifestyle. Yet, Yair explains guiltily, that although he’s still cheating with that electricity, it’s because he’s originally a city boy, (raised in Telshe Stone) and he’s still in the process of weaning himself off of that as well. As I said Yair’s different than you and I.

Is this fair for his children? He asks me if my lifestyle- our lifestyle is fair for ours. I visited him this past week and asked him if I could bring anything. He asked for two bags of ice cubes. It was after all 115 degrees outside. I can tell you, I have never seen children so enthralled with ice cubes in my life. It would’ve taken me buying my own children a brand new I-Phone with unlimited data and texting to get even half the excitement that filled Yair’s home. Ice cubes…

I can tell you that Yair’s children (all but the oldest incidentally born ‘naturally’ in the forest) are some of the truly happiest children I have ever met. Each day they come home from school excited over the different activities that they do. Renovating their bedrooms with newer and prettier stones that they fine, carving out wood, making pottery art taking care of their goats, and running freely through the mountains of the Galilee with their pet dogs. When, their father comes home all the children come running up to see him and greet him, excitedly showing him all they have done each day. My tourists that I brought with me to visit him, remarked how they only wished their children would look up for a minute from their computers to even nod at him when he walks into their room. So, his words echo in my mind, is our lifestyle truly being fair to our children? Fair to ourselves?

Don’t get worried. I’m not going vegan or moving out to a forest anytime soon. It would be hard to write this weekly E-Mail from there. But my visits to Yair never fail to inspire me. His incredible ability to see beyond the “norm” and to have the resolve to do something and be different to live and raise his family in what he calls an “authentic, natural lifestyle”. His love and connection to the Eretz Yisrael and how he doesn’t want to taint that with anything “made in China”, any South American beef, or anything to distract him and his appreciation of what the Torah describes in this week’s Torah portion repeatedly as the “good land”, is one of the most beautiful things I can only aspire to feel. I admire his and his wife’s determination to turn off all the noise, all the media and commercial manipulations, messages and alternative distractions and pursuits that I think we can all acknowledge dominate our existence. The noise is so loud, we can’t hear the sound that I hear at night at Yair’s den, the stillnesss of the earth and land and even of Hashem calling out to me anymore. Somehow “natural” seems tempting even to me.

The portion this week is called Eikev. It’s an interesting name for a Parshah. The word literally means heel. Yes, like on the bottom of your foot. Its title for the portion comes from the first verse which uses the word in an entirely different way. The verse reads and

 And it shall be Eikev you will listen to my laws and you will observe and perform them and Hashem your God will guard for you the covenant and the kindness which he swore to your forefathers. And he will love you and bless you and multiply you…

The commentaries all struggle to understand the context of the word Eikev here. Some suggest it should be read in exchange for listening to my laws, others understand the word to mean as a result of following the laws and yet others see it as meaning that as soon as you follow my laws. Rashi however diverts from his usual way of interpreting the verse according to the simple meaning and reads the word as heel. And understands that Hashem is telling the people to be diligent about those simple mitzvahs that one might neglect and step on with his heel. I find it fascinating that our holy language of Hebrew this one word can mean all of the various interpretation. The question is what all the other translations of the word have to do with a heel.

The great Rebbe of Sassov suggests an interesting homiletical interpretation. He said if a person will listen to his heel than he will have these laws and he will guard and observe them. I’ve had long hard day hiking in the desert. And I know what my heels are saying to me. But the Rebbe was referring to something else entirely. The heel is the lowest and hardest part of the body. It has the thickest skin. It’s not easy to get through to the heel. But the heel is the part that most connects to the ground, to the earth. If we listen to the heel meaning try to understand what the most natural state of the world is asking from you to do, instead of just marching forward to wherever the rest of the body wants us to go. Then inevitably we will find that we would observe the mitzvos and bring the world to its fulfillment.

I’ve thought about this idea a lot since visiting Yair. He’s listening to his heel. He only wants to connect to Hashem through the holy land of Israel whose cry to him he is listening to. The natural state of the world sings praise to Hashem. How often do we stop to hear that song? Do we let it touch and move our spirits? Are we treading on holy earth with heavy boots and shoes with our earphones plugged in our fingers texting and our minds online? Have we lost our connection to the beauty of Creation that is waiting for our composition, longing for the blessing that we are meant to bring as soon as we bring that song to its incredible climax? The Torah portion of Eikev is replete with this idea. The natural state of the Land and its blessing is dependent on the mitzvos that we do and the sanctification we bring to the land. The rains will fall or not fall based on our heeding our Eikev. We will win or lose our battles and challenges Eikev. Nachmanides notes that the heel is bent and curved. From the bottom it moves up. It is the natural circle of life and the Torah and Mitzva lifestyle in the land is what will allow the earth and blessing to flow.

Perhaps the most poignant idea that I heard about the Eikev, though is one I heard from Rav Moshe Shapiro. He suggested that generation before Mashiach comes is called the Ekvita D’Mashiach, the heels of Mashiach. For the generation before Mashiach may be the toughest and the thickest skinned and the hardest to penetrate and elicit and emotion, feeling or sensation from. The apathy will be overwhelming. Yet there is one thing that can get through to the heel. That he suggests is a little tickle. It doesn’t need any big booms or slaps. One just needs to tickle it with love and laughter and just watch that heel start to kick and jump. Now you know why there’s a joke in my weekly E-Mail J. We have finished our period of mourning for our Temple. We are in what our sages refer to as the 7 weeks of comfort and consoling. It’s the time for healing. It’s the time when we can get out and listen to our heels as we explore the beauty of the world that Hashem has given us. It’s the time when we can bring a smile and a hug to someone who needs it. All we need is that tickle. Mashiach is awaiting our heels.

Have a Heeling comforting Shabbos,

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

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YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

 

“Besser a krummer fus aider a krumer kop.”- Better a crooked foot than a crooked mind.

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

answer below at end of Email

 

33) The Sidonian Cave and the Polish Cave are located in:

Which of the following peoples lived south of Jerusalem during the Hellenistic period?

A) the Samaritans

B) the Hittites

C) the Edomites

D) the Itureans

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO OF THE WEEK

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmNhTAlh4qM   - 9- Days are over and all the new music hits the web… making up for lost time we kick of with my buddy Nissim and Gad Elbaz’s latest Ata Hu Ha’Melech

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKmM3bXzQxE  –Toda Lecha Rebbe in Hebrew version from Benny Freedman!

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFsGFIgelfw – L’Kavod Shabbos- Kempeh’s latest Leccha Dodi

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pofu45lPHIk  – As Joey says… We have 7 Weeks of consolation and this is his latest addition of the comfort with Nachamu

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAPaY0ZqO_8  – No clue what this is some Yiddish “The office’ type of video yiddish comedy show called “Balagan” ? What do you think…?

 

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

 

The End of the house of Achav-. The Kings of Yehuda and Yisrael have been killed by Yehu, and last week we learned about the vengeance or rather justice meted out against Jezebel as per the prophecy of Eliyahu HaNavi and Elisha. Yet Yehu’s job is not over yet, his reign of justice, vengeance and terror against the enemies of Hashem and Achav’s house is still not complete. See, Achav had a big family. The Navi tells us that he had 70 children…not bad… Yehu didn’t want any backstabbing going on and Hashem had decreed that Achav would not have any remaining “wall-pishers” or male progeny left over. So in order to see that taken care of he comes up with a plan to build support.

 

Achav’s base as we said was in Shomron. And imaginably that’s where his kids were raised in winter and summer palaces- yes our sages tell us that they had their own. So he sends messengers to the servants and caretakers of Achav’s children and challenges them to anoint one of Achav’s children as King and to fight him. The servants are terrified, despite living in the well fortified city of Shomron that held out against the Aramean siege for a long time. Today the city of Shomron is in the Palestinian Area A and is called Sebastia a city that was built by Herod and can’t be visited.

 

So the servants all submit and pledge allegiance to Yehu, which is just what he wanted to hear. However he wanted more than just words. He wanted heads to roll. And he demanded that they bring him the heads of all 70 kids. The next morning there they were sitting in baskets on Yehu’s front porch. Pretty brutal… Yehu, then gives his big speech. He tells everyone that no one can ever claim that he is a traitor and a rebel, as they are all in on it now. As well he tells them that there is nothing to feel bad about. They are carrying out the prophecy of Eliyahu. This is the will of Hashem. A new era is about to be heralded in and they are on the right team. Welkam to Eezarael…

 

If you think the blood and gore is over yet… we still got plenty more coming next on the hit list the families that support the King of Yehuda, Achazaya and the prophets of the Baal.

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE FOOT JOKES  OF THE WEEK

 

Why isn’t your nose 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot

 

Why couldn’t the two feet get along? Because they both thought they were right.

 

Who always goes to bed with his shoes on? A horse

 

How did the bubblegum cross the road? It was stuck to the bottom of the chicken’s foot.

 

What is the fastest way to go to the moon? Tickle the bottom of an elephant’s foot!

 

What type of hat does a leg wear? A knee cap.

 

What did one knee bone say to the other knee bone? “Let’s get out of this joint.”

 

What are a plumbers favourite type of shoes? Tap shoes

 

What kind of shoes does a plumber hate? Clogs

 

If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do terrorists get? Missile-toe.

 

What does a shoemaker use to repair shoes? Toe-nails

 

What is the foot capital of Canada? Toe-ron-toe (Toronto).

 

Did you hear the joke about the gym sock? You don’t want to. It stinks

 

Did you hear about the American podiatrist and the English chiropodist?  They were arch rivals.

 

Yankel had broken down on the side of the roah.  He flagged down a passing motorist and asked, 'Can you help me fix my car?' 'Sorry,' the motorist replied. 'I'm not a mechanic - I'm a podiatrist.'

'Well', said Yankel 'can you give me a toe?'

 

When you are on good terms with your dermatologist, ask this question: "When you started your practice, did you start from scratch?"

 

Why did the podiatrist want to change careers? Because he always felt defeat.

 

Dr. Goldberg the podiatrist was sitting in his office holding his head, when the nurse came in she asked him what was wrong. He looked like he was having a rough day. He said “yeah I started this morning on the wrong foot!”

 

A man walks into Moshe’s shoe shop and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks Moshe.

"Well the left one feels a bit tight," replies the man.

Moshe looks down at the shoe on the man’s left foot and says, "Try it again, this time with the tongue out."

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

 

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The answer to this week”s question is C  -. The last question on the exam! And of course I got it right B”H!! So the Sidonian cave and Polish cave are both burial caves in Beit Guvrin/ Maresha national park the ancient roman city that is actually a UNESCO recognized site. It’s not a place I really guide much although many of my tourists go there for the “Dig for a Day”  archeological activity and find cool stuff there. The site was a major Roman city with one of the only Amphitheaters in Israel and many burial caves from Sidonim that lived there as well as the Cistern that Anders Polish army hung out in and wrote Warsaw Poland 1943 when they were exiled from Poland to London by the Nazis in WWII. The second part of the question was also fairly easy. The Itureans were in the North from Lebanon, Hittites were in Chevron area and in biblical period. The Shomronim were in Shomron today’s West Bank in the center of the country. So that leaves Esau or Edom always in the South.  So the final score is 24.5 for Schwartz and 8 for Ministry of tourism on this exam.

If we gave each question 3 points as there are 33 questions I would’ve gotten a 75 on this Exam which is a passing grade and all you really need. However, the truth is you only have to answer 30 out of the 33 so I can eliminate 3 of the questions that I got wrong and that would give me an 85 a much more respectable grade. When I originally took the exam I believe I got an 84, so I guess I haven’t lost my touch.

NEXT WEEK WE START BRAND NEW LATEST SUMMER EXAM!!! JOIN the Fun and see who you do…


Thursday, May 25, 2023

The Most Significant Insignificant Ones- Shavuot- Naso 2023/ 5783

 

Insights and Inspiration

from the

Holy Land

from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

"Your friend in Karmiel"

May 25th 2023 -Volume 12 Issue 32 5th of Sivan 5783

 

Shavuot

Naso /Shavuot

The Most Insignificant Significant Ones

He was the youngest kid in the “Levi” family Not only were they all Levis , but they were in fact the first Levis ever, as their father was actually Levi the son of Yaakov. All his older brothers had it made. His middle brother, Kehas, really did well for himself. He was the proud Zaidy of Moshe, Aharon and Miriam. Not bad. The family of Kehas were the ones that got the most important job in the travels in the wilderness as well. They were the ones that got to carry the vessels of the Temple, the menorah, the altars and the table- pretty awesome. Best of all they got to carry the famous Ark with the Ten Commandments in them. Talk about a good gig. The truth is that they didn’t even have to even exert themselves for that honor because as our sages tell us the Aron miraculously carried them. Cool!

Now, his oldest brother, Gershon also had a pretty cool job, being the one to carry the curtains and the walls of the Mishkan. But Merari was the youngest. He got stuck with doing the real legwork. He schlepped the beams, the nuts, and bolts. Nothing too fancy or pretty. Just a regular shlepper.

But it didn’t just end there. See, Merari really doesn’t get too much respect over-all. His name is kind of a lousy one. Every Pesach Seder everybody would joke about him and rib him about being their bitter herbs/Maror.

To make matters worse, in last week’s parsha Hashem commands Moshe to “Naso” the rosh of Kehas- to count them and lift them up. As well this week’s Parsha begins with the command to uplift as well the heads of his older brother Gershon. Yet when it comes to Merari though, Hashem just kind of says

 ‘and the Children of Merari should be counted’.

Nothing fancy. No uplifting. Just the plain old dirty work of schlepping beams. The Midrash even notes this and says

“Hashem gave honor to the family of Kehas and Gershon uplifting of their head. Kehas because of the honor of the Ark and Gershon because he was the first-born. Merari, however, who was only a simple son and whose work was carrying the beams, poles, and bolts it does not say the words ‘uplift their heads’

Poor Merari. It doesn’t seem fair.

Moving along we approach this week the holiday of Shavuos. As well it seems to be a  holiday that’s pretty left out. First of all unlike its two brothers Pesach and Sukkot, the holiday of Shavuot only has one day. Not a week-long holiday. Next, its name seems pretty pathetic as well. Shavuot-weeks? Huh? That’s more about counting from Passover, rather than its own holiday. Kind of like the younger brother of Pesach.

To make it even more pathetic. Shavuos doesn’t really have any fun things about it. No real mitzvos. No matzas, no sukkas, no shofars, no menoras or even hamantash. The Torah doesn’t even tell us exactly when it is. Is it the 6th of Sivan? The 7th? We’re not really sure. Moshe added another day. When I look at the Torah to find the laws of Shavuot it doesn’t have its own parsha, unlike every other holiday that has a little peh or samech in the Chumash telling us that it has its own chapter,  Shavuos kind of just gets stuck in the middle of the conclusion of the counting of omer laws.

People even eat milchigs for their meal on Shavuot…pizza, quiche…things that would be considered disrespectful to other holidays. Rightfully so I should say, I mean if there’s no dead animal on your plate is it really a holiday? ‘Hello-oh?’, as my kids would say. Isn’t it even worthy of mention that the Torah was given on this day? Shouldn’t there even be a mention somewhere that this was perhaps the most significant day in the history of the world. As the famous Rashi in Bereshis tells us that and ‘It was morning and evening and it was ‘The’ 6th day (of Creation) is really just a reference to the 6th of Sivan- the day the Torah was given. The entire creation of the world was only created for that day; that moment when Hashem would reveal himself to mankind face-to-face and we would accept the Divine mandate. Man would be given the Divine blueprints of the world; the Torah.

On the other hand, Shavuos has somethings that no other holiday has. We actually count for 49 days up to this holiday. From the month of Sivan we stop reciting tachanun, the prayers beseeching Hashem for mercy. Because these are festive days, special days leading up and preparing for the holiday and the receiving of the Torah.

 Even more fantastic. In the times of the Temple, there were a lot of Jews that came to bring their sacrifices for the holidays. For each holiday, Sukkot and Pesach, one had the entire 7 days to bring their sacrifices because it would have been impossible to do it in one day. When it comes to Shavuot one also has 7 days after the holiday to bring the sacrifices. The only difference is that it’s not even Shavuot anymore. It’s a regular weekday. A regular working day. Yet one can and certainly did bring their holiday sacrifices still. That’s pretty amazing. So what’s really up with Shavuot? What’s the real deal of that poor shlepper youngest brother Merari?

 Our sages tell us that all the holidays represent a force, a spiritual energy that Hashem put into creation that we can and are meant to tap into. Pesach is freedom, we therefore eat matza, and we therefore recline and celebrate. Sukkos is faith, understanding that Hashem is watching over us and thus the Sukka. Even Chanuka and Purim have their energies of light in the darkness and miracles, and of course the High Holidays are all about repentance, atonement and the kingship of Hashem, so we blow the coronation shofar and we are busy fasting and repenting.

Shavuos is different though. Shavuos is when we became one with Hashem. It was the day that Hashem took us as His nation, and we took Him as our beloved. We became one. That is not something that can and ever should be symbolized by any particular action or even energy. It’s the basis of everything. It’s above time. It’s above any specific descriptive name or even historical commemoration. It transcends any definitively limiting mitzvos. We were forever bound with the eternal. We became the possessor of the Book and the instructions and mandate of how to transform the entire world to the eternal and connect them to Hashem.

You can’t put a name, a time, a custom, or even a celebration on that. Shavuos’s power and revelation  can transform a mundane regular weekday to a holiday sacrifice day because it’s all one. It’s all Hashem. It’s the one holiday that all the sages agree can only be fulfilled if you enjoy the physical world -the ‘lachem’ the you’ as well. You don’t even need a steak to make that happen. Even a pizza will do. For the ‘you’ is entirely Hashem. Both the flayshig you and the milchig you.

Just as significantly it is the day that each Jew saw each other as no better or worse. Not more religious, no prettier, no smarter, no more or less important than the other. Like one man with one heart. Just as my hand, my arm and my leg all married my wife and not one part of me is more or less married and important than another, so did every Jew look at their neighbor: the Yankel, the Jack, the Saa’dia, the Ayelet, the Ora, the Michael, the Bethanny, the Shaindel and the Ephraim. The doctor, the lawyer, the Rabbi, the Rosh Yeshiva, the garbage collector, the professor, the tour guide, the soldier, the pizza maker, the farmer, the sheitel macher and the yenta down the block from the grocery store; we are all one. There is no me, him and you. We are all Hashem.

There is nothing about all of these aspects of this day that could ever be picked out to signify it and encapsulate its essence. It’s everything. In fact, quite the opposite would be true. Selecting one thing and one aspect would lift one piece over the other and minimize it. This holiday is the holiday of total bitul-as the chasidim say- totally removing everything and connecting myself to Hashem and in that process to His entire creation. The raising up of anything over the other will only serve to negate that oneness.

Which brings up back to Merari and the children of Levi. Levi was chosen to be that tribe that would have no part of the land of Israel. Hashem is their portion. They are above one particular area of residence. They serve in the Temple as the intermediaries between us and Hashem; the connectors. Each family has its own aspect of that connection. Kehas, which comes from the word gathering (v’lu kehat amim) is the Ark, the Divine, the vessels, the holy of the holy; obviously raised up above all. They are the goal we strive for.

Gershom-from the word chase out, and as well the word ‘dwell there’ is represented by the curtains. They are the sur mi’ra- the removal of all the negative forces that serve to pull us away from Hashem. Incidentally, the beginning of the process, as King David tells us is to first be sur mi’ra and then asei tov-do good. Therefore, it is represented by the first born Gershon. But that process also includes protecting all the vessels, covering and enveloping them. Our commandments and mitzvos serve as an adornment for the Torah and our external expression to the rest of the world. They are also a process that uplifts and is “Naso”.

And then there is Merari- the day to day sometimes bitter daily grind; the world that we live in. The nuts and bolts of our physical existence. They are represented by the beams of the Tabernacle that really correspond to the entire world and all of Creation. The Creation where hidden underneath it all is the Divine. It is all One. Merari is us. There’s no need to uplift it because it is the foundation of it all. It was built with the blueprints of the Torah. It is the purpose of the entire creation. It was given to us on Shavuot.

We stood, this Sunday 3335 years ago, on a small simple mountain and connected to Hashem. It was a truly remarkable day. On Shavuot we will have the ability to reconnect with that moment. To experience the Divine once again and feel it burn with in each of us. May we merit to experience it once again in His holy home.

Have a uplifting ephemeral Shavuos,

 

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

 


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YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

 

“Ganaiden un gehenem ken men baideh hoben oif der velt.”- Heaven and hell can both be had in this world.

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

answer below at end of Email

23) Christianity became a state religion (i.e. an official religion) in which century?

The first council of the Christian church took place in:

a) Nicaea

b) Chalcedon

c) Ephesus

d) Rome

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO OF THE WEEK

 

 

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/eitz-chayim  -In honor of Shavuot- Rabbi Schwartze’s greatest hits Shavuot Playlist- Here’s my Etiz Chaim Hee- with a little bit of Gilligan in it?

 

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/kad-yasvun   - This holy song I composed is about the tremendous simchas Ha’tora in heaven when we study Torah- My take on the classic Kad Yasvun… beautiful!

 

 

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/torah-hakedosha  – Composed by my father’s hachnasat Sefer Torah to our shul last year… It’s our prayer to the Torah to daven to Hashem for us. Torah Hakedosha- with the 2nd sentence of this lyrics that most people don’t know…

 

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/dovid-melech-r-ephrayim  – And finally Shavuos is the yartzeit of Dovid Ha’Melech so get on your dancing shoes and be sure to sing this great fun song by your Shavuos meal- my Dovid Melech song…

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

 

Famine and Pigeon Poop- 680 BC- It’s been 6 years since that battle with Aram, and despite the fact that Elisha showed them mercy they had laid a siege around our capital city of Shomron. Now the siege in itself wouldn’t have been that bad, had there not been a famine that took over the land. The famine was decreed by Elisha in order for the Jews to be inspired to do teshuva, but as generally happens, it takes time until we finally get it. And in the interim, it gets worse and worse.

 

Our sages tell us that the first year they ate what was in storehouses, the 2nd what was in the fields, year 3 kosher animals and then from there on it was downhill. Non-kosher animals, insects and by the sixth year… the flesh of their own children. This was what the prophets Yeshaya and Yoel described would happen, as well as the Torah itself when it describes in the Tochacha to us what would be if we didn’t follow the commandments.

 

The Navi uses an interesting description to tell us about the poverty and it tells us that the hunger was so bad that the price of a head of a donkey- which can’t be too tasty cost 80 shekalim and pigeon dung was going for 50 shekels. Now pigeon dung was important in ancient times. We find on Masada and really most Roman 2nd Temple period cities Columbariums which are these huge towers where they raised pigeons. Pigeons were used as food, as well as they were the ancient cell-phone towers, I like to tell my tourists, as they were the messenger birds. But perhaps most important about pigeons was that their dung was used as fuel to make fires and warm stoves and ovens and cook and bake on. In many places you don’t have wood to burn, like in Midbar Yehuda and other desolate places in Israel and thus pigeon poop was the fuel of choice. When the Navi is telling us about their poverty it accentuates that by telling us that there wasn’t even fuel to use.

 

The famine and siege hit such a low, that King Yehoram would walk around daily to the people and make sure his troops and walls were protected, on one such excursion a woman came over to him with a tragic demand. Her neighbor and her had made a deal. On day one they would eat her child on day two the neighbor would cook up her child. The problem was after the first neighbor’s kid was all eaten up by the two of them, the other one was backing out of the deal and hid her kid. Chutzpa! So this woman came to the King to demand justice and that the other child should be handed over to be eaten. Absolute insanity…

 

When the king heard this he rent his garments and put on sackcloth. He was remorseful of the evil ways of his people. Yet, at the same time he was furious at Elisha for bringing them to this point and threatened and even put out an order to have him killed. Yet, once again Elisha is not that concerned. Hashem had accepted their flawed teshuva and that was enough. What happens next will be another one of the fantastic miracles of Elisha.

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S CHEESECAKE AND BLINTZES JOKES  OF THE WEEK

 

While driving to work today, I saw a huge cheesecake...Around the next corner was a large trifle, followed by an apple turnover. There were no cars. It seemed to me the roads were strangely desserted.

 

What do you call a vegan cheesecake? Cake.

 

God: (creates cheesecake)

God: (While fressing it up deliciously) “Oh wow! This is so great!”

Angel: “Don’t you think you should be sharing that?”

—pause—

God:(creates lactose intolerance)

 

An ice cream, a creme brulee, and a slice of cheesecake joined the army, but they abandoned their fellow soldiers on their first deployment .They are wanted for dessertion.

 

You know what they say about New York Cheesecake? If you can bake it there, you can bake it anywhere.

 

I knew I needed to do my stomach surgery when I went to the doctor...and he said "Don't eat anything fatty."

So I asked "So you mean like potato chips and cheesecake and stuff like that?"

And he said "No fatty, don't eat anything."

Did you heard about the cave-in at the cheesecake factory? There was de-brie everywhere

 

The cheesecake was picking on the cookies. The pie came over to break it up. And said “Hey! Why don’t you Pecan someone your own size!”

 

I like to eat cheesecake when I go to Midbar Yehuda. It’s my favorite desert

 

Yankel walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I need a place to hang out a bit. My wife is upset with me again. She got home from work and asked me if I ate all of her cheesecake in the refrigerator," the guy tells the bartender.

"I told her, Don't be silly. I ate it on the couch.'"

 

What’s the best thing to put into a cheesecake? Your teeth.

 

One cold winter day in Chicago a poor Jewish man was slowly walking home from the factory when he passed by a fancy, expensive restaurant. He stopped before the huge glass window and gazed for several minutes at the rich people sitting in the plush warm room talking and laughing while eating delicious cheese blintzes, completely oblivious of him as though they were on another, higher plane of existence.

"Blintzes," he muttered to himself as he turned and continued home.

"Sarah," he announced to his wife as he closed the door behind him and threw his coat over a chair, "Sarah, I've been thinking, do you think you could make me blintzes? I would really like some blintzes."

"Of course Max," she answered. "I'll try my best."

Sarah took out her old cookbook and opened it up to "Blintzes".

"Aha!" She happily exclaimed. "Here they are… blintzes!"

Two cups of flour, a cup of water... "Oh, look here, Max, it says we need cream cheese. We don't have cream cheese," she said sadly.

"Listen Sarah, you know what? Forget the cheese," consoled Max.

"Look here" she called out again. "It says we need walnuts, honey and raisins!"

 "Forget that stuff, too," he advised. "Oh you are such a good husband Max! But, what's this? What about cinnamon and brown sugar," she read out from the book.

"Not necessary!" he decreed. "Just please start baking already, Sarah, I'm really hungry."

So she ceremoniously lit the oven, mixed the flour and water, rolled it into cigar shapes put them in to bake and in just minutes there they were, sitting on a plate before a very happy Max, napkin tucked into his collar. His knife and fork immediately went to work and within seconds he was actually doing it!  He was eating blintzes just like the rich guys in their fancy restaurant. Sarah watched him proudly as he slowly swallowed. After several seconds of complete silence she couldn't resist. "Nu, what do you think? Do you like it?"

“You know, Sarah," said Max. "You know, I don't understand what those rich people see in blintzes."

 

Irving goes into a restaurant and orders potato latkes. When they come, he complains that they do not look good and he changes his order to blintzes. After he eats the blintzes, he stands up and starts to leave the restaurant.

"Wait a second," the manager shouts after him. "You have not paid for your blintzes."

“What are you talking about?" Irving says. "Those blintzes were an even exchange. I gave you the potato latkes for them."

"Yes," says the manager, "but you did not pay for the latkes either."

"Why should I pay for them?" asks Irving. "I didn't eat them."

 

THE FEMALE STRESS DIET

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day:

Breakfast - I grapefruit, I slice whole-wheat toast, I cup of skim milk.

Lunch - Small portion of tuna with a cup of spinach, 1 cup of herbal tea, I cracker.

Afternoon Tea - The rest of the packet of cracker, I tub of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream with chocolate topping, I jar of Nutella.

Dinner - 4 bottles of red wine, 2 loaves of garlic bread, I family size supreme pizza, 3 Snickers bars.

Late Night Snack - Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake eaten directly from the freezer.

 

Diet Rules

1. If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories.

2. When drinking a diet Coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate is cancelled out by the diet Coke.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes does NOT count. (For example: hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake, vodka...)

5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner.

6. Cinema-related foods have a zero-calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake. This includes popcorn, skittles, caramel Corn, Doritos and frozen Cokes.

7. Small pieces of chocolate chip cookies have no calories because breaking the cookies up causes calorie leakage.

8. Food licked from knives and spoons has no fat if you are in the process of cooking something.

9. Foods that are the same color have the same amount of fat. Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice cream, apples and red jelly snakes. Carrots and Fanta soda, bananas and custard pie.

10. Chocolate is like a food-color wildcard and may be substituted for any other color.

11. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass.

12. Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (Oh, how fat likes to cling!)

And remember: 'STRESSED' SPELT BACKWARDS IS 'DESSERTS'!

 

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The answer to this week”s question is A – hald right or half wrong, who cares.? I'ts still not bad for Christianity which is not my strong subject. Especially before this holy day of Shavuos when the truth came down to the world. I got the firt part right which is of course the 4th century, when the Byzantines came inot power and got rid of the pagan worship and upgradedn to Christian avoda zara. The second part I got wrong. I really was going togo with Nicacea which was the right answer, but I thought maybe it was a trick questiona dn went with Chlacedon instead. Oh well... Anyways. it's all bubbeh maysehs anyways... so th escore now stands at 17 for Schwartz and 6 for Ministry of tourism on this exam so far.