Large Gifts- Parshat Re'eh 2020/ 5780

 

Insights and Inspiration

from the

Holy Land

from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

"Your friend in Karmiel"

August 14^th 2020 -Volume 10 Issue 42 24^th Av 5780

 

Parshat Re'eh

Large Gifts

Eli had always wanted to marry an American girl. Israeli girls were just not his speed. They were a little closed minded, in the circles he was dating at least and he just felt more comfortable with Americans. When he was in yeshiva he would find that he was drawn to the American guys there. He would learn with them. Hang out with them and hock around bein hazmanim vacation time with them. His English wasn't perfect. His friends would tease him about his gaffes here and there. But he worked on it over the years. He definitely still had the "eezraylee ehksent" but for a kid that was born in Israel to two Israeli parents his progress was certainly respectable. It probably helped that he lived in Beit Shemesh which is kind of a little America as well.

When he went out with Miriam Goldberg it was love at first sight. She was looking for an Israeli guy that she could relate to and that would insure that she would get married and live in Israel for the rest of her life. She was raised in Brooklyn, and unlike most NY'ers that can't seem to see themselves living anywhere else, despite paying lip service to "loving Eretz Yisrael" and "I wish I could live there", she meant it for real. Her year in seminary was life changing. She fell in love with the land, the people, the simple lifestyles of all of those families that she would spend her shabbosos with. Everything had more meaning here. Was more real. It was where she was meant to be. And when she met Eli she knew she had found her bashert.

Miriam's parents weren't as excited by her decision. Don't get me wrong, they loved Eli. But Israel was so far. They weren't youngsters anymore and they knew they would miss their little girl. Their future grandchildren wouldn't see them more than once a year if they were lucky. They were jealous of their machatunim, Eli's parents, that hosted their children all the time and lived around the corner from them. They would move themselves to Israel, but they had good jobs, the younger siblings were "the wrong ages" (not that I ever bought into that concept). So they compensated. These were the days before Zoom or even Facetime video chats. But they called regularly and they sent lots and lots of care packages and presents.

The Goldberg's were always a generous people. Eli was overwhelmed by the gifts they gave him when he got married. He knew it wasn't easy for them and he always expressed his gratitude. Their anniversary gift for their 3^rd anniversary though forced him to hit the dictionary again after one of the most embarrassing moments of his marriage. One that almost jeopardized everything.

See the had sent them this really beautiful album of all of the highlights of their wedding. The family pictures, the moving chuppa shots and the amazing memories of all of the dancing with all their friends were the best anniversary gift ever. Eli didn't want to wait to tell his in-laws how much it meant to him. So he quickly called them. The conversation though didn't exactly go the way he had hoped it would.

As I told you, Eli's English still wasn't the best. He wanted to tell his mother-in-law how much he appreciated how generous she has been, but the word ""generous" slipped his mind. Now in Hebrew when someone is generous the slang word to describe them is "largeet" kind of like the English largesse. But it didn't really come out the way he wanted it to.

"Ma, hi it's Eli calling."

Hi Eli, how are you? To what do I owe the pleasure of this call?

 I just wanted to tell you that you are so large." He enthusiastically exclaimed.

Silence…."Oh" and then after an awkward silence she repeated it again "Oh"

"Really", Eli said "I'm just looking at this photo album you sent us right now and it's amazing- you are so very large!"

Eli was a bit puzzled at his mother-in-laws silence, though it wasn't until he gave the phone to Miriam and heard her "What!!" exclamations did he understand that there might have been some type of mistranslation that happened. Needless to say, he's still working on his English.

There is always wisdom in Jewish slang. And in fact the word 'large' in Hebrew, which as well can be used as a term for generous, is in this week's parsha with a fascinating mitzva that contains, as usual, some fascinating and timely lessons for us. The word I'm talking about is "anak" and the mitzva is ha'anaka giving "gifts" to one's Jewish 'slave' upon the completion of his servitude. And yes, I did say this was a timely lesson.

Now I know that we don't have slaves anymore. Although it seems that there are some that claim to be descended from them that still feel they are due reparations and thus taking those said payments from your local Mall, supermarket, starbucks and anyplace else that is obviously guilty of this egregious sin. Or not… Maybe if their zayides would've gotten ha'anaka they wouldn't be so bitter. Or not.

But that's not the timely reference I'm referring to. See Judaism even when we had Jewish 'slaves' it was really a bigger pain in the neck than anything else. The Jewish slave mentioned in this week's Torah portion was a criminal that had stolen and didn't have the ability to pay back his debt. The Torah reaching to the depths of the persona of a criminal understands that this man's criminal behavior is more likely than not a result of his circumstance and upbringing. Throwing him in the slammer is not gonna do the trick for him. He needs rehabilitation. He needs to learn responsibility, to learn family, he has to be given respect. He has to be given love. So he is 'sold' into slavery. But he's not out picking in the cotton fields in hot sun. It is forbidden to give him hard labor. He needs to be provided for and eat from the same home and have the same quality of life as his "owner" does. The Talmud tells us that having a slave is kind of like having an owner as if there's only one pillow guess who gets it? The slave.

So in truth this is in no way slavery. In fact, what it really is this criminal being adopted by a family and working to pay of his debt. If he has a family, the owner has to provide for his family as well. So he is now for the first time earning an honest living and with that he is receiving the satisfaction that comes with a hard day's honest work. It is truly an amazing system and one that has the most potential to giving him the tools to making it on his own when his debt is paid off, or the maximum six-year sentence that he needs to serve if it isn't paid off by then. The truth is someone that takes this guy into his house under these terms has to be a tzadik. They have to have the most incredible Jewish heart; as those people I know that take in foster children into their home do. It's an incredible chesed and although many of us admire people that can do that, I don't know if I could do it myself.

But then comes the kicker. The mitzva of ha'anaka. After extending one's home and one's family to this person; helping him, assisting him, giving him gainful employment and caring for his every need, the time is finally. His 6 years are over and it's time for him to make it on his own. One would think that the eved should express his gratitude, maybe buy his hosts a good-bye gift, promise to write and to keep them posted. But the Torah tells us that is not the case. You haven't finished your job or your responsibility to him yet. You still have to give him a gift. In the words of the Torah it is sheep, from your grain, from your vineyard. The word for this obligation that the Torah uses though is not the typical matana- which would mean gift. Rather it is ha'anaka. That means something more. You have to make him "anak"- great.

The Torah in this mitzva is teaching us such a powerful lesson. When a person works for us and gets paid for his job, you've helped a fellow Jew and given him parnassa. But we are meant to do more than that. We are obligated to let the person know that he did a fantastic job. That his service meant more to you than just the job he did. You want to show him extra appreciation. In doing so, he feels anak- he feels large. He feels he can do great things. That feeling, that simcha, will propel him to be even better. It will build his necessary self-esteem and motivate him to become better and better. That is what our obligation is to our fellow Jew. That's how we build a "large" nation.

I can tell you on a personal level, it's one of the things I miss the most about tour guiding this summer. Not just the tips that I would get, although those are certainly appreciated and missed. But the appreciation and feedback that I always got from so many of my tourists. The follow-up E-Mails, the whatsapp messages and many times even the E-Mail sponsorships. I generally don't have a problem feeling 'large'-my pants and shirt buttons are good at reminding me. But it's just an incredible feeling that propels me and gives me more energy to be better and better. The feedback that I get from my sermons, from my E-mails, from my family, from Mishpacha readers. It's awesome. It's humbling. And it's energizing. And it's such an easy mitzva that we can all do.

The year of Corona has been a year for a lot of reflection. On the one hand all of us are more isolated from one another then we probably have ever been. On the other hand, we all have more time on our hand to think about how we can make ourselves better and greater. There is a world out there that is so angry. Everyone is putting the other down. Perhaps it's time to build a world that is larger. A world where rather than knocking down those that think differently than us; that have 'poorer' upbringings than us- materially, politically and most importantly spiritually, we instead focus on building them up. On finding the good in them. On revealing the greatness that they may not see in themselves, but that we could bring out in them. Maybe it's time we fulfilled the mitzva of ha'anaka.

The parsha we read this week where this mitzva is found is called, Re'eh- to see. Hashem is telling us to see in each of us the power we have to find and bring bracha and god forbid the opposite. It is a parsha that is read in the 7 week's of consolation for the destruction of the Temple. The temple destroyed by baseless hatred will be restored in the merit of ahavat chinam- baseless love. Do you know what baseless love is? Ha'anaka. Gifts that make people great. They're not required. It's above and beyond. They were just doing their job. But it's that little extra way in which we express our appreciation. The "large-ness' that we share with others and the greatness we bring out in them. That's free-love. That is what will bring the Temple.

When we left Egypt Hashem promised us that we would leave with great wealth. It was his gift to us. It wasn't just the monetary wealth-although that helped- it was the Torah, it was the wisdom, it was our chosen-nesss. The final redemption we are told will be even greater than that first exodus from slavery. It's time for our ma'aanak (grant) . Bibi gave us his-which was quite pithy, Trump's was a little bit more. But we're waiting for that big Divine payoff. May this month of Elul be the large one we have been waiting for.

Have a large Shabbos and blessed month of Elul,

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

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RABBI SCHWARTZ’S FAVORITE YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

 " A guteh vort iz karanter vi a nedoveh.!"- A kind word is better than charity.

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

answer below at end of Email

40) Flamingos can be watched and observed at:

A. Ein Tamir

B. Solomon’s pools

C. Rosh Hanikra

D. Salt ponds North to Eilat

 RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO  OF THE WEEK

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SoVNvG6cTfc   - Yaakov Shwekey "We Love America" sung for Donald Trump-Lyrics by the one and only Sruli Besser.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aS-4U5GgdjM  – Avraham Fried latest song Otototo

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kp9VGPpAh8Y – Yishai Lapidot and Shuki Salomon Shir Shel Simcha get on your dancing shoes…

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cadNezinSzk –The Kosher Song?

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fAnjOZ24QjY--Shlock Rock Kosher Cake…

 RABBI SCHWARTZ'S PARSHA/MITZVA CONNECTION OF THE WEEK

 Parshat Re'eh – Kosher- Last week we covered the mitzva of bentching. Now that we know what to say after we eat this week we learn what we could and should eat. This week the Torah covers a whole slew of mitzvos that relate to eating. Fascinatingly enough it always seems to connect it to using the food for a higher purpose as well. Fruits and vegetables we have the mitzva of the tithes. Meat we have the mitzva of eating sacrifices, of slaughtering animals, of not eating blood. We even cover some kosher bugs if you like. There are at least 20-25 mitzvos that have to do with eating. It's definitely a foodies parsha. Let's try to cover the basics and let's try to categorize our menu.

 Fruits and vegetables are all kosher. They're straight from Hashem. One has to wash them for bugs of course. Now in Israel our fruits and vegetables are holy. Here we're not merely eating and making blessings. Here we are meant to raise a country with a higher spiritual purpose. We need to give our tithes to the Kohanim and Levi'im who don't have a portion in the land because they are dedicated to serving and inspiring our spiritual obligations. We need to give to the poor. We have the laws of the sabbatical year/ shemitta year to remind us that in Eretz Yisrael,  our land is holy. Hashem is in charge and we can and should step back for a year and recognize and integrate that and we will only see blessing as a result.

 Moving onto the next course we have fish. Gefilte fish in Israel has scales and fins inside of it to remind you of what species are kosher. Just joking… But for someone raised on American Gefilteh Fish there definitely is a difference. We are told that the closer a species is to Hashem the less one needs to make one kosher. So a fish pretty much just needs those two signs. The truth is that all fish that have scales certainly have fins as well. Why then does the Torah tell us both? It could just say scales and we would know fins. The Lubavitcher Rebbi suggests in a beautiful sicha that it is precisely to teach us that lesson. See scales represent the armor. The integrity of a person that protect him from giving into his baser desires. The fins represent the ambition; the wind that drives him. We can have ambition but without integrity one would be considered non-kosher. Yet, if someone has integrity and is making sure that he's doing the right thing then they will automatically as well have the ambition to become better and better and are always Kosher. Obviously shell fish, and bottom feeders are not kosher. So don't boil any lobsters anytime soon.

 Next we have birds. We kosher eaters pretty much only eat chicken, turkey and on special occasions duck or goose. But in ancient times, doves and pigeons seemed to the kosher bird of choice. Think about the next time you're in the park. How do we know which ones are kosher and not? The Torah gives us 24 different names of birds or better yet "flying animals with wings"- that includes the non-kosher bats which are technically no birds. Now we don't exactly know specifically which birds are which for a lot of them and the Torah's list is not necessarily meant to be comprehensive. Rather they are viewed as classes of birds Kosher and non- and we derive general rules from them.

 Our sages tell us that signs of a kosher bird are first of all that it is not a bird of prey. Some of the signs of birds of prey are ones that have claws that they attack with. Thus webbed feet birds are a good sign. Three other signs that they mention are that they have an extra toe that sticks out longer. They have a crop that holds the food before it goes into the digestive tract. And a pupik or gizzard- great in soup, which is a muscle that can be peeled inside of the stomach that grinds the food up. It's a debate whether all of these 3 signs are required or not. But the truth is that this debate is more hypothetical then practical as we generally only eat birds that have a tradition behind them. Although turkey is a "New World" American bird without an ancient tradition neccesarily from America, as America is really not that ancient, there are some that suggest it comes from India and there was an old tradition from there. Others permit the turkey based on the fact that it has all the signs and as well it can be interbred with Kosher birds.

 Kosher mammals the main course of our meals have the obvious signs of split hooves and that chew their cud. Once again the Rebbi sees in this a spiritual message. The hooves are separated. There is left and right. There is right and wrong and the distinction is clear. The path a person takes has to always be clear. One has to always be cognizant of this. That's a sign of someone that is kosher. Chewing the cud similarly is that everything that one ingests should never be taken for granted. One needs to constantly reexamine it. Check if its right if it's something they should be bringing and incorporating in themselves or not.  If it has these two signs, one can eat them. They're kosher.

 Yet both birds and mammals can't just be eaten. They need to be shected properly. The Torah tells us that the slaughtering should be done "as I've commanded you, but if one looks in the entire Torah, you won't find any laws of shechita. This is obviously a testimony that there was an oral tradition that accompanied the written law that taught us exactly what should be done. Shechita is the most humane way of killing an animal. The knife has to be sharp without any ridges, it has to be done in shot the cutting of both pipes. One can't even press down on the neck. It's a fast, clean swipe. Afterwards the animal is checked for anything that might have made the animal non-healthy that would cause it to die. A hole in the lung, a broken leg and its internal organs are all checked. This law pretty much our kosher animals were treated humanely as in humane treatment would lead to sickness and disease that would then make them "trayf".

 But we're still not done yet. See there is a prohibition on cattle to eat various fats and they have to all be removed. As well the gid hanasheh/ the sciatic nerve has to be removed. We Jews have thing about sciatica that goes back to Ya'akov's battle with the angel of Esau. In America where it is easy to resell parts of the animal the tradition is to sell off the whole hindquarters of the animal where the majority of the fats are. In Israel, where we thank god don't have enough gentiles to sell it to, they remove them and we thus get filet mignon here that you can't get from the American slaughterhouses. Now venison, deer meat, does not require the fats being removed, either do birds, but they have another mitzva of covering up the blood that comes out when they slaughter them called kisuy ha'dam.

 Finally, the last piece of koshering meat is eliminating the blood. We do this by a two pronged process. First we remove the major arteries and veins and then we salt and soak the meat to remove any other blood. This has to be done within the first 72 hours of the slaughter and it is the way that most commercially sold meat is prepared. Alternatively, if you want to shecht and eat your met without this process one can roast the meat that automatically takes out all of the blood.

 There are other laws of Kosher that are rabbinic in nature as well. Wine of a non-Jew or that has been handled by one. Milk and cheese that was not prepared with a supervision that ensures it is done "kosherly". Milk and meat can't be mixed, obviously. Foods that are "fitting for the table of king"-not nosh has to be cooked by a Jew. And that probably sums up the basic rules. Food is essential to us Jew. The first sin in the Garden of Eden was when they ate the fruit they shouldn't of. Every time we fulfill the mitzvos of eating we are rectifying that sin. So we make sure we have lots of opportunities to do.

 RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

  Dovid and Goliath Part I- 878 BC- Everyone has a turning point in their career. For Dovid it came in the form of perhaps one of the most famous battles of all time. The faceoff between him and the giant Goliath of the Philistines. It's one of my favourite stories to share with my tourists because the spot is so easily identifiable and one can really feel that they are living the story once again. It's a tour guides dream, when the land and terrain do half the work for you.

 The story begins with Goliath the general from the Philistine city of Gat, coming up to the Elah valley with a huge army to do battle with the army of Shaul. The city of Gat today is located at a place called Tel Tzafi not far from Kfar Menachem. It's a huge Tel but not too much to see there besides the incredible views to all sides. The Ela valley is right on Highway 38 and the Plishtim camped on one mountain and the Jews on the other mountain. The two mountains being Socho and Azeka and both of those are still there today and are actually fascinating to visit. As they have this story written there.

 The valley is called Efes Damim, or no blood, and the reason is because Goliath stood in that valley and challenged Shaul and his army to have a one on one fight out that would settle the whole thing. If Goliath wins the Jews would be their slaves, if the Jewish representative one then the Philistines would be their slaves. This fight-out between the two people would settle the whole thing without any un-necessary blood being spilled. What an idea.

 The problem was that Goliath was terrifying he was 6 ammos/ cubits tall which would put him between 9-12 feet he wore at least 200lbs of armour. His spear alone weighed about 400 lbs. This is not someone anyone wanted to mess with. So for 40 days he came out twice a day blasphemed Hashem, Shaul and the Jewish army and no one said boo. Enter Dovid the future Melech.

 Yishai, Dovid's father had sent him to check up on his three eldest brothers that had been consigned in the army and to bring them some supplies. Dovid arrives and saw the scene and asked what the scoop was. He was told that Shaul had promised that anyone that would slay Goliath would be granted great wealth. Shaul as well would give his daughter in marriage to him and his father's house would be exempt from all obligations to the king. Dovid was not impressed. He thought that this was an obligation to remove this disgrace and it was a mitzva to do so. His brother heard this conversation and tried to tell Dovid to be quiet. He wasn't a soldier by any means. But Dovid continued to talk and ask until he was ultimately brought to Shaul.

 Shaul asked Dovid what made him think he was capable of this fight. Dovid told Shaul two stories of how when he was shepherding he was attacked by a bear and a lion who took a sheep from him. He literally saved the sheep from them by grabbing their beards and killing them. Dovid was not scared of Plishti. He would be just like them. But Shaul was not impressed.

 It was only when Dovid continued and said that Hashem who saved him from the hands of lion and bear will help him kill the Plishti was Shaul convinced. This was not going to be a battle that was won by brute force or strategy. The moment called for a miracle and Shaul needed to know that his warrior would be someone who recognized and was worthy of that. Stay tuned next week for the showdown!

 RABBI SCHWARTZ’S GENEROUS JOKES  OF THE WEEK

Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighborhood on Long Island. A neighbor, a very friendly and generous black woman, stopped by one Saturday and offered,

 "Mrs Cohen, I have to go to NYC this afternoon to meet my daughter. Can I get you anything?" Mrs. Cohen thanked her and counter-offered, "Listen, I have a commuter's ticket for the train. Why don't you use my ticket, and you'll bring it back tonight. After all, it's paid for. Why should you pay extra?"

The neighbor thanked her and with the ticket in hand, made her way to the train station. When the train arrived, she boarded, and as the conductor walked through, he happened to glance at the ticket, noticing the name "Sadie Cohen.".

The conductor asked, "Excuse me, madam, are you Sadie Cohen , the person whose name appears on this ticket?"

The woman smiled sweetly and nodded her head in the affirmative. More than a little suspicious, the conductor asked, "Would you let me compare signatures? Would you mind signing your name?" 

The black lady turned indignantly to the conductor and snapped, "Man, are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?

 A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: "What is the usual tip?" 

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." 
"Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars." 
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund." 
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry. 
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

 A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business. The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $600.00 a week, sir. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $6,000 in cash and screams, "Here's ten week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back! No room in this company for people just leaning against walls. Out of there!”
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's. He was waiting for his tip."

 A shnorrer / panhandler stops a man and asks for some money to buy something to eat...

The man replied, "I'll tell you what I can do, seeing as I'm on my way to the pub, how about I buy you a drink?"
The homeless man proclaims, "but I do not drink, I'm just looking for money to get something to eat."
"Well how about a couple of good cigars I've received from my latest business trip?"
The homeless man replies, "sir, thank you but I do not smoke, I only want something to eat."
"How about we head to the track and I'll place a bet on some horses, I received a tip and you and I can split the winnings?"
The homeless man again protests, "I really appreciate your generosity but I do not gamble, I'm just looking for some food to eat."
"Okay I'll tell you what we are going to do, come back home with me tonight and my wife will make us some dinner. I would really like her to meet you."
The homeless man starts to feel a tad suspicious and says, "do you think she would mind a man of my low stature sitting at your table for dinner?"
"Doesn't matter. She needs to know what happens to someone who doesn't drink, smoke, or gamble."

 A Christian Farmer is overjoyed to see his cow is pregnant. Not being in need; he plans raise the cow and sell the proceeds for pure profit. Time passes and the cow ultimately gives birth to two calves. The Farmer is even happier! Rejoicing and Thanking the Lord, he tells his wife,

"God has been so gracious to us, when I sell these two calves at market, half the proceeds will be given unto him"
The Farmer's Wife commends his for his generosity.
One day several weeks later, the Farmer returns home saddened and reserved.
His wife asks him what happened
"The Lord's Calf died"

 A rich man was driving in his Cadillac when he sees a poor man eating grass on a hill

“What are you doing” - Says the rich man.
“I have 3 days without food for me and my family, so the grass on this hill is our last resource”
“Say no more, get in” -says the rich man, exited.
“Ohhh, thank you very much. Do you mind if I tell to my wife and 2 kids about your generosity??” -Says the poor man.
“No, tell them. I will be waiting in the car”
The family gets in, and when the wife saw all the empty places, ask the rich man:
“Both my parents have more that one day without eating something, can I tell them about your generosity?”
“Is fine, tell them, don’t worry”
The wife’s parents get in in the Cadillac, saw the remaining places and ask the rich man:
“One of my daughters start eating grass yesterday, because of the absence of food, can I invite her to the car?”
“Yes, I don’t have a problem, tell her!”
The daughter get in, and dare to ask the rich man:
“My boyfriend is so poor, he can’t afford food...”
“He was eating grass too?” -Interrupted the rich man.
“Yes, his only choice right now...”
“Ok, hurry up, tell him to get in” -Finished the rich man.
So a couple of hours in the car, with everyone in, the poor father with a wife and 2 kids break the silence:
“I thank Hashem that there are men as good as you, for your great generosity to attend so many people and feed them in times of poverty.”
The rich man look the poor man, and all the passengers in his Cadillac, then he says:
“Don't worry, poor man, it has been almost eleven months since I cut the garden at my house.”

 A group of men is at the gym club when a cellphone rings. One of the men answers:

"Yes?" he answers
"Hun, is that you? I can hardly hear you."
"Hello!"
"Are you at the gym?"
"Yes!"
"I'm in front of the fur shop and they have this beautiful mink coat. Can I buy it?"
"How much is it?"
"About five thousand dollars."
"Okay, but buy a matching purse that goes with it too my love."
"Well, it also turns out that I stopped by the car dealership today saw they have a brand new BMW on sale, it's the last one."
"How much is the sale?"
"Only sixty thousand dollars!"
"Fine, buy it, but you have to get it with all of the accessories, and if it costs a little more, I won't get mad."
The woman, realizing all of her requests were being approved, decided to take a risk.
"Honey, remember that I told you that my mother wants to come live with us? Is it okay if I invite her over for a month, just to try it out, and after a month we can talk about it again."
"Okay, fine, but don't ask me for anything else okay?"
"Yes, yes, I love you so much."
"Love you too, bye."
As soon as he hangs up the man turns to look at the group and asks:
"Does anyone know whose cellphone this is?"

 It doesn't matter how much kindness and generosity you teach your children..

 Kids that speak yiddish are always going to be Kinder

 A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns. After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $100 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

 A man is driving late at night when his car breaks down in the woods near Tzfat by a little shack.He knocks on the door and an old saintly looking kabbalist opens it and he's see there's a group of them studying the kabbalah.. He tells the kabbalists about his situation, and how he can't call for a mechanic at those hours of the night, so he asks them if he can stay the night in their home. They happily agree, and give him a room with a bed to sleep on.

In the middle of the night, the man wakes up hearing a strange noise. He follows the noise and sees that its source is a strange door made of wood, but it's locked. The following morning, the kabbalists give the man breakfast and fix his car. He thanks them and asks them:

"Honorable Rabbis, I cannot thank you enough for your generosity, but I must ask you a question. Last night I heard a strange noise coming from behind a locked wooden door, and I'm dying to know what the source of the noise is."

The leader of the kabbalists responds:

"We cannot tell you, because you are not a mekubal

The man thanks them again and leaves disappointed. A year goes by, and the man coincidentally breaks down in front of the same shack. He knocks on the door again and they greet him as an old friend, giving him once again a bed to sleep on. In the middle of the night, the man hears the same strange noise, and follows it again to see it's coming from the same wooden door, which is still locked. In the morning, the kabbalists once again gave him breakfast and fixed his car, and as he was about to leave the man once again implored the Rabbis to know what was behind the wooden door:

"Thank you once again, great Rabbis. It has been one whole year and I still wonder what the source of the strange noise is, as I've heard it again last night."

The Rabbis all look at each other and smile. The leader once again steps forward and tells the man:

"We cannot tell you, because you are not a monk."

The man leaves frustrated once again, and doesn't stop thinking about the strange noise for months. Two years later, the man coincidentally breaks down in those same woods  by their house once again, and once again they give him shelter. The man hears the strange noise in the night again, and in the morning asks them:

"Please, kind Kabbalists. I must know the source of the noise, I beg you."

They explain to the man once again:
.
"We cannot tell you, because you are not a Kabbalist."

The man asks them what he has to do to become a mekubal. They tell him he  study all of the Torah and it's wisdom. Afterwards he must travel the world and count all the leaves in the world's trees, all the blades in the world's grass, all the grains of the world's sand, and all the drops of water in the world's oceans. He must return with the exact number, and only then will he become a mekubal and be able to learn the source of the sound.

The man sets out on his quest to become a mekuabl, and 65 years later returns to the Mekubalim as an old man.

"I have studied all of the Torah and it's teachings and I have traveled the world," he said. "I have counted every leaf in the trees, every blade of grass, every grain of sand, and every drop in the ocean. There are 1572794709088 leaves in the world's trees, 3651870612479 blades of grass in the world, 6810379165872 grains of sand in the world, and 10752899766394 drops of water in the world's oceans."

"Congratulations," the head mekubal said. "You are now a mekubal. Please, come with us."

They took the man to an initiation ceremony. He went to the Mikva, a natural spring that was quite cold and dipped numerous times. He fasted for three days and recited all of the psalms. He was ready. The man requested to be taken to the wooden door to learn the source of the strange sound, so he was finally taken to the door and they gave him the key. The man opened the wooden door, just to find a door made of stone behind it. He asked for the key to the stone door, and they gave it to him as well. He opened the stone door to find a door of coal behind it.

One by one, the man kept unlocking and opening doors. After the door of coal he found a door of glass, then a door of iron, then a door of steel, then a door of bronze, then a door of silver, then a door of ruby, then a door of sapphire, then a door of emerald, then a door of gold, then a door of platinum, then a door of diamond, and finally a door of obsidian.

"This is the final door," said the head mekubal. "Behind it you will find the source of the strange sound."

The kabbalist handed the man the key to the door of obsidian and, as he opened it, the man finally found the source of the strange sound...
But I cannot tell you, because you are not a kabbalist…. (That's the second time you fell for one of these!- I did to…)

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Answer is D–  This one was easy and a pretty dead giveaway for anyone that took the tour guiding course. We spent four days in Eilat on that trip. There's not a lot to see and talk about in Eilat, although there are lots of amazing hikes there. The flamingo like those salt pools because they are full of these crabs called "sea monkeys" or Eilat Artemia that live there. These crabs have lots of Beta-carotene which it seems give them their pink color. So I got this one right and the score is Schwartz 29 and 11 for MOT (Ministry of Tourism) on this exam my grade is looking up..!

 

Insights & Information is sent to e-mail addresses that of have been submitted to the Rabbi Schwartz. To unsubscribe at any time, I send an e-mail to rabbschwartz@yahoo.com   with the words "unsubscribe insights" in the Subject line and/or the first line of text. If you know of anyone that may be interested in receiving this newsletter feel free to pass this on to them...

Holy Bagels- Parshat Eikev 2020/5780

 

Insights and Inspiration

from the

Holy Land

from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

"Your friend in Karmiel"

August 7^th  2020 -Volume 10 Issue 41 17^th Av 5780

 

Parshat Eikev

Holy Bagels

It's one of the biggest challenges of being a religious Jew. We eat a lot. Sure there are other cultures that are into food as well. The French have their croissants, baguettes and des patisseries as they like to call them (I remember that word in French because it has a lot of esses in it-ess a bissel mein kint…). The Italians have their linguini, tortellini, ravioli, cannolini and fettuccini- but it's all just spaghetti to me. But c'mon how much do they eat already? There is no one that has Shabbos seduos like we do every week. Yom Tov meals that can be two days straight of gorging and for those suffering in chutz la'aretz sometimes even 3 days. That's 6-9 meals. Figure that the average haymish meal has to have at least 3 courses; the salatim first, the fish, the liver and egg salad with a cherry tomato on top and a little radish. Friday night of course the soup, with matza balls and croutons. Then for the main course with all its side dishes Kugels, farfel, and salad just to pretend like we are eating something healthy and to decorate the plate. By our day meal we eat a good chulent with kishka- that no goy could ever handle. On holidays some brisket and roast and then you have desert. A glezzel tea and some "tzu-bis- a little cake to make sure it all goes down. In Israel that's of course accompanied by sunflower seeds and nuts and in season melon. We don't want any food group to feel left out. And this is every single week… What do they have a thanksgiving turkey once a year. Gimme a break…No, Orthodox Judaism is not for the faint of belly.

Now there are these "reformists" that try to cut out some of these courses. They say it is insane. It is not healthy. Nobody enjoys that much food. They are heretics. There have always been people in the history of the Jewish people that have said this about many of our ancient sacred traditions. They permitted driving on Shabbos, they felt our customs were outdated, they were unfeasible, they became hellenists, Karaites, early Christians. They have disappeared in the annals of Jewish history. And the only ones that remained were the stalwart, overweight, suffering with heartburn true Torah Jews that had the fortitude and perseverance of appetite to hold strong to their chulent pots and kasha varnishkes. For we knew that the secret of our longevity as nation is in that special stew.

Ok maybe, I'm getting a bit carried away here… or maybe not. But the challenge is not just the eating. The bigger challenge though is what we have to do before we eat. See Jews just don't eat food. We have to make a bracha first. As the Talmud tells us before we eat the food belongs to Hashem. We have no right to eat His food. It doesn't make a difference how much you paid for it. How many hours you labored in the kitchen to make it. It's His.

How does it become ours? By making a blessing. By saying the words Blessed are you Hashem our God, the King of the world who creates the fruits of the tree (ha'eitz-fruit), fruits of the vine (hagefen-wine) the ground ( ha'adama-vegetables), that brings forth bread from the land (ha'motzi), that creates all types of satisfying foods (mezonos-non-bread grain foods), or that everything exists by His word (she'hakol-everything else), the food then becomes ours. The Talmud derives these rabbinic blessings from the biblical obligation in this week's parsha to bentch after we eat.

Devarim (7:10) For Hashem your God is bringing you into a good land, a land with streams and springs and fountains issuing from plain and hill; a land of wheat and barley, of vines, figs, and pomegranates, a land of olive trees and honey; a land where you may eat food without stint, where you will lack nothing; a land whose rocks are iron and from whose hills you can mine copper. When you have eaten your fill, give thanks to Hashem your God for the good land which He has given you.

These are the verses that tell us about the 7 species that Israel is blessed with. Hashem knows how to tempt our people to come to the land. With a good kiddush menu. When we are satiated we are commanded to thank Hashem. The talmud tells us that if we're obligated to thank Hashem after the meal than we certainly have to beforehand. Yet there is a difference between the two blessings, the pre-meal blessing is recognizing where the food comes from. The post-blessing on the other hand as the Torah tells us, is mostly about Eretz Yisrael. U'vayrachta es Hashem elokecha al ha'aretz hatova asher noson lach- on the good land He has given us..

Now perhaps this makes sense when one is eating a good meal in Israel to thank Hashem for this incredible land that he gave us that produces all these incredible and delicious products. But when you crunch down on a delicious Ave J Pizza Time slice or an Essen pastrami, corned beef and chopped liver on club with those delicious sour pickles that is USA Prime Rib "home" grown from the grazing fields of Iowa and the wheat fields of Kansas, what about that meal is supposed to make me thank Hashem for Eretz Yisrael; the Holy Land with lots of Milk and Honey but not much pastrami. (They actually call salami- pastrami here…oyyy a shanda). I can understand thanking Hashem for the land of Israel when one arrives here, after months of being banned from this country. Or to recite the blessing when you get thrown out of your own country because of anti-semitism, riots, pogroms or other current and ancient events. You're thankful that you have a country to come to. A home to return to. But why should I thank Hashem for the land of Israel every time I eat a piece of toast or a bagel and lox in America, London, Antwerp or even a croissant in France? As they say in hebrew-ma hakesher?

There is a remarkable idea that the Chasam Sofer shares that can truly be life-changing and certainly in these times when so many of you want to come to Eretz Yisrael and the gates are still closed here's a way you can at least get a little- excuse the pun- taste of the holy land. The verses preceding the mitzva of bentching and the promise of the land instruct us to remember our stay in the wilderness and the eating of the Manna

Devarim (3:8)- He subjected you to the hardship of hunger and then gave you manna to eat, which neither you nor your fathers had ever known, in order to teach you that man does not live on bread alone, but that man may live on anything that Hashem decrees.

A person can certainly physically live on bread, but life by Jews is not merely a physical existence. In fact, the word for life is chayim- which is really a plural of the word life-chai. Life is really two lives, a physical and spiritual one. Our bodies may be sustained by food, but to live we need to be able to incorporate a spiritual aspect of godliness in our food to nurture our souls as well with "the word of Hashem". We learned that lesson well for forty years. We ate the manna which was a spiritual food. It fed our bodies and our souls. And we understood what life was all about.

It is for this reason, he writes, the spies came to Eretz Yisrael and returned with the fruits. They wanted to show them that the physical fruits of Eretz Yisrael were just that; physical fruits, ripe with Vitamin C and E but lacking any GOD. They didn't possess the spiritual nature that the manna did. They said lachmeinu heim- they our bread- meaning that the nations that live in Canaan are just the leftover physical aspects of our bread. They are burying people all day. There is no life in there. And they were correct. But they didn't realize that it was only that way because all of that spirituality that was meant to be found in the food was only being kept temporarily in the manna. When the Jews would enter the land, the manna would cease and all of the spiritual qualities and nutrients would then be transferred to the fruits of Eretz Yisrael. This is why the Torah tells us to remember the manna as an introduction to us appreciating the fruits of Eretz Yisrael.For they possess that same holiness. A Jaffa orange is just as holy as that same manna our ancestors ate. But it goes a step further than that as well.

See, we are told that all of the blessing of the world comes through Eretz Yisrael. It is the pipeline by which Hashem sends it down. It is for that reason why all our prayers go up from Eretz Yisrael as well. It is the land that is meant to be the bridge between heaven and earth. The manna in the wilderness, that spiritual food that was transferred to the fruits of Israel have the power to transfer as well to the fruits and produce all over the world. When one makes a blessing after they have eaten, the food that is digesting in their physical body, gets charges up and receives the holiness and spirituality of the fruits of Eretz Yisrael. It becomes a Holy bagel in your belly. When one makes a blessing before they eat they are placing the name of Hashem, His holy word that comes through the fruits of Eretz Yisrael into that Washington grown apple. It's not as good as the real thing. But at least it has the ability to give spiritual life. It will make you want to thank Hashem for the land and to long for Yerushalayim, no matter how far you are because any spirituality that you taste in your food and that feeds your soul, you know have recognized and acknowledged has come from his Divine pipeline in His land. In this land.

So yes, food is important. It is our connection wherever we are to Eretz Yisrael. To tasting the land, to longing for it. It is as close as we can get to tasting the divine blessing with our physical blessings. It reminds our souls of the manna we ate in the wilderness. It's a serious thing. But do we treat it that way? I know I don't….

I remember in yeshiva there were these guys, that would put on their hats and jackets every time they benched, some did it every time they made any blessing. I thought they were crazy. I remember them because my son does that now. But the truth is they get it. There are others that will take a bencher and read word for word as if they were davening. They're taking their food seriously. Me? I confess, I'm a fast food guy. I barely have time to chew. My blessings are kind of like that as well. Fast food-fast bless. Remember how I started off this E-Mail. I'll remind you. "It's one of the biggest challenges of being a religious Jew. We eat a lot..." The challenge of eating a lot is that we make tons of blessings every day and it's hard to concentrate. It's hard to think about the spiritual nature of the so many many many things we put in our mouths throughout the day and charge it up. The gemara tells us that a true scholar is only one that is an expert on brachos. This doesn't only mean being an expert on what bracha you are supposed to make on which food. Rather it is how we say our blessings. If we are successful or not in making that one act that we do more than any other one throughout the day-certainly in these quarantined Corona ones- a spiritual one.

We are longing for the redemption. We want to see Yerushalayim rebuilt. For those of you outside of the land you are longing to taste those whole fruits.  We here are that are privliged to eat  them regularly still long to accompany them with some delicious sacrifices that we will offer in the Beis Hamikdash. Perhaps if we put more of the power of Eretz Yisrael and Yerushalayim into our kavana in bentching then Hashem will answer our prayers and as we say when we conclude our bentching. Hashem oz l'amo yitein, hashem yivarech es amo ba'shalom. May Hashem bless us with the peace in His home that we are waiting for.

Have a deliciously blessed Shabbos,

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

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RABBI SCHWARTZ’S FAVORITE YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

 " Es vais di kats vemes flaish zi hot oifgegessen!"- The cat knows whose meat she ate!

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

answer below at end of Email

39) A shtreimel is:

A. Piyyut (musical poetry) for Shabbat

B. Hasidic hat

C. Torah case

D. A belt for a Hasid’s coat

 RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO  OF THE WEEK

 https://youtu.be/wty8zQainZY   - Mazel Tov for those finishing Shabbos with Daf Yomi here's a great song that reviews the entire mesechta that is absolutely brilliant.

 https://youtu.be/UX0sQlh5vW4  – The traditional bentching song sung by MBD, Abie Rottenberg, Dov Levine, Piamentas, Shlomo Simcha, Rivie Shwebel and more.

 https://youtu.be/s-XXUtbc2DY - Ari Goldwag's new hit from his latest album Zeh Keli

 https://youtu.be/hpN48hu7-cg -Rabbi Klatzkow awesome Aliyah Song everyone should be singing this…

 RABBI SCHWARTZ'S PARSHA/MITZVA CONNECTION OF THE WEEK

 Parshat Eikev – U'Vayrachta- To Bench- It  would seem that this mitzva to bless Hashem after we eat at first glance is one that of showing appreciation to Hashem. We ate a good meal, say 'thank you' like our parents taught us to. It's only nice and proper ettiquitte. Yet the commentaries see the mitzva as one that is more than just a thank you for the food. The Chinuch understands the word bayrachta-to bless Hashem is not about giving Hashem a blessing- He doesn't need our blessings or our gratitude. Rather it is about us internalizing how great and blessed Hashem is. This in turn brings more of His blessing to the world. The Rambam understands this mitzva as one that connects one to Eretz Yisrael and recalling our slavery in Egypt. The Meshech Chochma sees it as one that will prevent us of forgetting Hashem which is natural to happen when one is satiated and full as the verse continues to tell us. The mystics see in this blessing the uplifting of the sparks in the food we ate and perhaps even fixing the reincarnated souls inside of the food. Think about that the next bite you take!

 The biblical commandment of bentching contains three different blessings. We thank Hashem for the food, for the land of Israel and for the rebuilding of Yerushalayim. Included in those blessings there is an obligation to mention leaving Egypt, Torah, and the Bris/ covenant we have with Hashem. As well on special days such as Shabbos and Yom Tov one needs to mention those days as well. We do so in additional paragraphs in the blessing for Yerushalayim. When one is obligated to eat a meal on Shabbos or Yom Tov and you forget to mention these than one has to repeat the bentching if they conclude it. Rosh Chodesh and Chol Hamoed when one is not obligated in a meal one doesn't have to repeat if he forgets it.

There is a fourth blessing of bentching as well that was added as a result of the holiday that we celebrated this past week of Tu B'Av. The Talmud tells us that after the Bar Kochva revolt Hadrian left hanging and crucified thousands of the rebels for 7 years around as a fence around his vineyards. Pretty sick… On Tu B'Av Hadrian was replaced and they were permitted to be buried. The blessing of Hatov V'Hameitiv- that Hashemi is good and does good was added for the two celebrations. The first was that it seems miraculously these hanging bodies had never deteriorated which is mind blowing. The commentaries suggest it was as if they were hanging there telling Hadrian you are putting us up here to deface us and Hashem, but it is He that is controlling the world. The second reason for the blessing is because they were finally allowed Jewish burial. Think about that next time you recite this blessing. Or at least when you bentch after the Shabbos meal if you are reading this there.

 The Torah tells us your biblical obligation to bentch is when one is satiated, however the jewish people accepted upon themselves to bentch when one eats the amount of a kezayis which is about a half a slice of bread. Bentching is recited on bread made of the 5 grains, wheat, barley, oats, spelt and rye. Cakes, cookies and for Sefardim besides matzah is not considered bread and one makes a shortened al hamichya blessing. When one eats bread at a meal the bentching covers all the food that is part of the meal and no other after-blessing is required.

 There are those that have a custom to recite a psalm of shir hamaalot before bentching or al naharot bavel. As well it is proper to wash ones hands before bentching and many great Rabbis praise those that bentch with a bencher and with the respect due to this only biblical blessing. As well it is a blessing that should be done with simcha and rejoicing. We are praising Hashem. He has satiated the way that we say our bentching and praise will reflect how much appreciation we have for these gifts. And that will bring us down the continued blessing that we all seek.

 RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

 Introducing Dovid Hamelech- 878 BC- After the Amalek debacle Shmuel went back home to mourn the lost potential of Shaul's kingdom. But Hashem had different plans. It was time to anoint the replacement. To get the royal ball rolling. So Hashem commands Shmuel to go to the city of Beis Lechem which is in the same place as the modern city of Bethlehem, and under the guise of bringing a public sacrifice he would go the house of Yishai and Hashem would reveal to him which of his sons to anoint. This "operation" obviously was meant to be a clandestine one, as Shaul would not be a happy camper knowing that his replacement was being anointed.

 Now Yishai, who's tomb is in Chevron next to his grandmother Rus by Tel Chevron or Tel Rummeida as it is called, was a tremendously righteous person and Torah scholar. He was one of the few that entered into Gan Eden alive, the Talmud tells us without any sin. Our sages see in his name Yishai and acronym for Yachad Shivtei Yisrael- united the tribes of Israel that from him would sprout the king that would unite all the tribes together. Yishai had 7 sons and Dovid…

 See Dovid was is "questionable son". The midrash tells us a fantastic story, how Yishai was concerned that perhaps his Jewish status was in question. He was a descendant of Rus who was a Moabite convert. And there were those that suggested that the Torah prohibition of accepting converts from Moav applied to women as well as men. So he separated from his wife for three years. After 3 years he decided to marry a non-jewish maid servant who would convert, for a regular Jew this would be a problem, but being that he felt his status was questionable it would be fine. The maid servant though, being a righteous woman, thought twice of it and she told the first wife and changed place with her. The good old Rachel/ Leah switcheroo. Dovid was born of that union and there were those that accused him of being illegitimate as he arrived in the world from his mother that was separated from her husband, Yishai at the time. Just like his great grandfather Peretz who was born of a scandalous relationship between Yehudah and Tamar, Dovid's beginnings are shaded in seemingly illicit relationships. Our sefarim suggest that this is the way that the spark of Mashiach stays out of the grasp of the Satan who tries to prevent his revelation and birth. It comes from a place that no one would think to look.

 Shmuel is taught this lesson as Yishai brings one son after the other before him, the tall ones, the handsome ones, the scholarly ones and all of them Hashem rejects. Finally when he goes through all 7 he asks if there are any other ones, and shamefully almost as an afterthought Yishai tells him about this little red-headed son who hangs out with the sheep all day and plays the harp really well. Hashem goes "that's my man" and Dovid is anointed. It's a private family ceremony. No one is looking to shake things up, yet as a result of his anointment he receives the divine 'kingly' inspiration and it is removed from Shaul. This begins the process of Shaul's depression and the ball begins to roll for Dovid to step into place as he is invited to Shaul's palace to "liven" him up with his harp playing and becomes Shaul's "armour bearer. The die has been cast and from hereon in Dovid starts to move into his role.

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S FOOD JOKES  OF THE WEEK

Moishe and Miriam were sitting down to eat at the dinner table. Miriam commented, "You know, Moishe, when we were first married, you took the small piece of brisket and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me anymore?"

"Nonsense, honey," replied Moishe, "you just cook better now."

 What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath? Men toes.

Why do the French eat snails? – They don’t like fast food.

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. – I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I'm like a jumbo kosher pickle. Guess you could say I'm a pretty big dill

 Yankel, looking for a free meal entered a wedding hall and joined the "Harrison" wedding. He went over to the buffet piled his plate high with petit fours from one table, kebobs, stir fry and veal chops from another table. While thoroughly enjoying himself a man approaches him and says, "Hi, are you on the bride or grooms side."

Yankel looks up from his plate of deliciousness and responds, "What!? They're only married five minutes and they're already fighting?"

 Rabbi Hirsh lay on his hospital bed as his congregants and family sat close by, waiting to hear the dying words of their dear leader and father. The rabbi's attendant, Yitzy, takes the cup of milk from the hospital meal, goes outside to his car, adds half a cup of shnaps and sneaks back inside. "Here Rabbi", Yitzy says, "drink this; it'll be good for you". The congregation waits to hear prized words from their spiritual guide. 

Rabbi Hirsh takes a sip of the milk and his eyes open a little wider and he sits a little straighter. 
"Eh hem", he clears his throat and motions to them to come closer. 
"Listen to what I have to tell you: don't sell the cow."

 It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front. 

"What are my choices?" Moishe asked. 
"Yes or no," she replied.

 Rachel and her husband Max are in their local kosher restaurant. Even though Rachel always seems to find something to moan about in this deli restaurant, they still regularly go there because the food is good and it's frequented by many of their fellow seniors.

As usual, within minutes of taking their seats, Rachel starts to bother their waiter. "Waiter," she says, "please turn up the air conditioning. You know I can't stand a hot atmosphere."

But then, five minutes later, she asks the waiter to turn down the air conditioning because she is too cold. Soon after, she wants it turned up again because she's getting too hot. But then their food arrives on the table and Rachel is at last silent as she eats her meal.

Maurice, who is sitting near Rachel and Max's table, can't help but notice that at no time does the waiter show any anger - in fact he is surprisingly patient. So as the waiter walks past his table on his way back to the kitchen, Maurice calls him over and says quietly to him, "I can't understand why you don't just throw this customer out of the restaurant."

"Oh, we don't really mind," says the waiter, "because not only do we have a customer focus program in operation where the customer is always right, but also, this restaurant doesn't have any air conditioning."

 Noah's son walks into a kosher deli and orders a sandwich.

"Sorry," said the owner. "We don't serve Ham."… OYYYYYY….

 A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Miami. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in the front row, raised his hand and said, "Vedding Cake?

 “Don’t forget you are what you eat,” My nutritionist told me as I was leaving his office. “Then I should eat a skinny person.” Was my response….

 *********************************

Answer is C–  Is there anyone reading this E-Mail that doesn't get this one right? C'mon, you gotta know this. It's nice to get an easy one like this on the exam. But just think about the secular Jews or the non-jews that don't know this one for them it’s a pretty crazy question that seemingly should be unrelated to getting a tour guiding license.  Why do they have to know this? Why would I have to know what muslim gatchkas are called. But this one certainly helps me. Did you know the other ones they were trying to confuse with. The Gartel, the mantel … but not sure about the Shabbos piyut though. But the Shtreimel is obviously the fur hat worn by chasidim. Now here's my question do you know what a shtreimel cookie is? The score is Schwartz 28 and 11 for MOT (Ministry of Tourism) on this exam. I'm still passing but really not doing great on this exam.