Insights and Inspiration
from the
Holy Land
from
Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz
"Your friend in Karmiel"
June 7th 2024 -Volume 13
Issue 34 1st of Sivan 5784
Parshat Bamidbar / Shavuot
Family Name
Mazel Tov! I’m a Zaydie again… Baruch Hashem
my son, Yonah, had a baby boy this week. I now have officially crossed the
threshold of more grandchildren than children. Best of all this youngest new
brilliant infant prodigy, who weighs 9.5 lbs- my mother-in-law says he looks
like me before my surgery…- is the first next generation boy bearing the
Schwartz family name. The Schwartz is with him. Cool! The name carries on…
What’s even more amazing is that newest
grandson shares the same Bar Mitzva Parsha of his father, Yonah. Bamidbar. I
don’t even have to prepare a drasha for the Bris, I can just dig up my
old one from 25 years ago. Hey, maybe if he lets me I’ll even try to find my
old Bris knife that I used on Tully and sharpen it up a bit in order to slice
the next generation as well into the covenant of our forefather Avraham. I
couldn’t do Yonah’s bris, although I practiced a lot, because his Bris was on
Shabbos and the law, I was told, was that you can’t do your first Bris as a
Mohel on Shabbos, for fear you might make a wound and violate the Shabbos-
although my wife thought that would be the least of the problems if I messed
up. So now’s his chance to make up for it and give me my slice of flesh… Yeah…
I don’t think Batya will let. I’ll stick with my drasha…
But in truth Parshat Bamidbar is really a
great Parsha for a Bar Mitzva, for a Bris, for a new life brought into the
world. It’s the beginning of what is in many ways is the last book of the Torah
and our story, as the fifth Book of Devarim is really just a repetition of the
laws of the first four books and the final speech of Moshe before entering the
land of Israel. It’s Bnai Yisrael, having left Sinai on our journey to Holy Land.
It’s the Book of Numbers- Sefer HaPikudim.
The Book of Shemot was the Book of Names. We
started off with names, seventy family members that made our way down to Exile
in Mitzrayim. We enter the land of Israel and now we have graduated to “Numbers”.
We have melded our unique souls, personalities, drives and missions into a
nation where each one of us is a number in a greater whole. Every number
counts. If we’re missing one number, then the whole count is off. As I’m sure
some of you probably figured out during sefirat ha’omer. By this third
count of our nation recorded in the Torah before we were meant to enter the
land of Israel each Jew had to know that they had a part to play in fulfilling
our role in the Holy Land. But is it really every Jew? Let’s take a 2nd
look at a sometimes ignored fact.
What’s interesting about this count is that it
seems that the Torah tells us repeatedly that only the males from the ages of
20-60 are counted. We have no clue as to how many women or children or retirees
there were. The count and our 603,550 number seems to be a military count. Only
the ones that serve in the army matter.
Even the tribe of Levi, which it would seem
would be the modern day equivalent of the Kollel Rabbis who are exempt from
fighting and serving in the military are not included in the count. At least
that’s what the Kollel Rabbis and our Gedolim and great Rabbinic leaders
throughout the generations since the founding of the State of Israel suggest is
the status that Kollel guys should have as it pertains to army service. This
follows in the path of the Rambam who writes famously that anyone that chooses
to dedicate themselves entirely to Torah can join the Levi club and receive exemptions
from many of the communal “yokes”. But as a result of that fascinatingly
enough, Moshe is specifically told not to count them. They’re not part of the
rest of Israel in our 600 thousand plus number. Even they don’t make the count.
If you don’t serve, you don’t count, seems to be the message.
Now, don’t get me wrong here. I’m not saying
that everyone has to serve in order to count. Ladies, children, seniors and
Levites are all in the same boat, and none are perhaps any less Jewish than the
everyone else. Neither am I suggesting even that they even have lesser role. I’m
just pointing out that there seems to be something very specific in the count
over here and its message for us by the fact that it only seems to be for those
who serve in the army. For our Chayalim Ha’Kedoshim. There seems to be a
message that they have to know that doesn’t apply to the rest of the nation. One
that arguably, the minimally 2/3 of the rest of nation that is not in the army,
the women, the children, the seniors and the Levis don’t need to be part of.
There is another thing as well that is unique
about this count and that is that the Torah tells us that the count is meant to
be done
L’mishpachosom- to their families
l’bais avosum- to their father’s house
b’mispar sheimos- according to the numbers of their names
From ages twenty until sixty
kol yotzei tzava- anyone that goes out to the army.
Each tribe that is counted, the Torah repeats
this description of their count. It’s not just a numbers game. In fact, it’s
not even allowed to be a numbers game, as we are prohibited to count Jews by
number. Rather it’s counting them to their families. It’s connecting them to
their father’s house. It’s them understanding that each one of them are carriers
of a family name. They are a link in a long chain.
That is the function of the count and the
number of the Jewish soldiers. It is to make them understand that when they go
out to war and as they head out to conquer the land of Israel, they’re not like
other soldiers or armies. It’s not a battle for land. It’s not a fight to wipe
out evil. It’s not even to establish a State and certainly not a place of refuge
for Jews around the world when the goyim get sick of hosting them in their countries
of exile. This is a family fight. This is about understanding that there are
names behind every army dog tag. There are families at home that they are
representing. There are children. There are Mommies. There are Bubbies and
Zayides, Levites and the many that don’t join the army and are not counted. They
are the only ones that are counted, not because the other ones don’t count, but
because these holy soldiers represent all the others. Within them and their count
are all the names and families of Israel.
In fact, the Netziv of Volozhin takes a
fascinating approach as to the question that puzzles all of the commentaries of
how it is possible that the count done now on the second of Iyar in the second
year of leaving would be identical to the one seven months before after the sin
of the golden calf by the building of Mishkan. It seems impossible that after 7
months the numbers didn’t change. That there weren’t people that had aged past 60
or had become twenty. That hadn’t died or were born. It’s statistically impossible.
It doesn’t make sense.
His answer
is that the reason the number was precisely the same is because the number 603,550
isn’t a count of how many 20–60-year-old men there were. Rather it’s the count
of how many the army of Israel needed. That was the original count of people in
which the Shechina resided amongst our nation and from that time it’s
the amount that each tribe had to provide in order to fill the quota so that we
always have an army of that number. Each soldier took the place of the one that
he replaced. He stood in his name. He understood that he was part of a family
that had a responsibility to the nation. And when his number came up, he stood
up for the task. He was counted.
Parshat Bamidbar, the book of these holy
Numbers is always read before Shavuos. It’s the parsha that separates all the
curses and punishment that conclude the book of Vayikra when we don’t follow
the Torah. There we are told of the Chamas Keri- the wrath that occurs called
Hamas that comes for us when we don’t appreciate that we each have a number, a
value. It’s why the narrative that is in between these two books is the laws of
erechin- the laws of when one takes a vow as per the value of a person, how
each Jew has a price on his head. He has a set value. It doesn’t make a
difference if he’s rich or poor, if he’s righteous or religious or not. Reb Chayim
Kanievsky has the same value in these laws as Bibi Netanyahu, as does George
Soros. Because we all count equally. We are all from one Beis Av. We
have one shared family name called Yisrael.
It is only when we realize this, can we then
come “as one man with one heart” to the foot of the Mountain and have
the revelation of Hashem come down to the world. Our army, our holy chayalim,
have always been the ones that revealed the unity to the world. There is no one,
left or right, religious or not, Israeli or diaspora Jew that doesn’t rally
around them. For they represent all of us. They are sacrificing themselves for
our family. And we in turn are doing all that we can in our hearts, our prayers,
with our wallets, with our tears for them.
This past week was Yom Yerushalyim, fifty-seven
years since Hashem returned the old city after 2000 years of exile to Jewish
hands. There is no Jew that doesn’t get goosebumps when he hears that historic
recording, that shofar blast, when our soldiers announced “Har Ha’Bayis B’Yadeinu-
The Temple Mount is in our hands. I get shivers down my spine and my eyes well
up with tears just writing those words now. Rav Neria at the time asked his
students, why was it that Hashem waited 19 years since the establishment of the
State to bring us to that moment. Why didn’t we merit to have Yerushalayim
already in 1948 when the State was established? What changed? What happened
different in 1967 than when we failed to liberate Yerushalayim the first time?
He told them that in 1948 there was a division
between the different armies of Israel. The Palmach had burst through the Zion
gate while the Irgun/Etzel was poised to enter through Shaar Shechem.
Yerushalayim, had we conquered it then, would’ve been like “Shnayim Ochzin B’Talis”-
two people fighting over a talis that is found. We couldn’t unite. Our soldiers
were fighting for their own causes. They weren’t fighting for one family. They
didn’t have one name. And thus we lost it.
In 1967
though, our soldiers entered united through the “Shaar Arayaot- the Lion’s
gate; “Ki’ish echad b’leiv echad”- with one heart, one soul. They fought
and put it all on the line for all of klal Yisrael. And thus the shechina
came down. In those 6 days our army experienced miracles, our nation saw the
Hand of Hashem just as in biblical times. The city of gold was in our hands.
Yerushalayim was the ir- the city shechubra yachduv- that
connected us all together. Our country tripled in size. We returned to borders
we never had before. Rachel Imeinu’s tears were answered. But yet the final geula
is still in front of us.
A week after that first Yom Yerushalyim, was
Shavuos. The thousands that came to the Kotel a week after fearing that we
would all be wiped out by our enemies whose armies were ten times the size of
ours, will never forget that moment, those tears. So many Jews, so many
different strains, so many colors, hats, kippas, bareheaded, sefard ashkenazic,
young and old. From so many different backgrounds, countries, traditions,
affiliations, separated by continents for thousands of years. But on that day
we had all come like magnets to our home. Yerushalayim, united us. It reminded
us that we were all one family.
Is there another country in the world that is
named after a person and that everyone in that country knows who that person
is? Does anyone in America know anything about Amerigo Vespucci? You think that
Uzbekistan knows who Oz Beg Khan is, whom they are named after. Do you think
Russia or Belarus have any clue that they are named after our great grandmother
the mother of King David, none other than the convert that we read about on
Shavuot, Rus? Yet every Jew knows that Yisrael is the name of Yaakov. They know
what he served his brother for breakfast, they know of his dreams of ladders,
they know how he got married, who his wives were, the fights that he had with
angels and the blessings he gave his children 3800 years ago. Because the land
of Israel isn’t just a country. It’s a family. It’s our family name. It’s our
father and that makes all of us brothers. It’s a country that is synonymous with
our family name, because the point of that country, our country is for that name
to shine forth to the whole world. For it to carry on for eternity and to
reveal the eternal.
My grandson doesn’t have a name yet. He will
get his Hebrew name Erev Shavuos, just in time to stand at that mountain and
await the shechina’s descent. But he has a beis avos- he has a
father’s house, a Grandfather’s house. He’s the next line of Schwartz, but he’s
also a Yisrael; A child of Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov. He is the next link
that dates back to that mountain 3300 years ago. May his parents be zocheh to
bring him to raise him in Torah, to his Chuppa and to good deeds, and may his
light shine through the world as he grows from his name to take his number as part
of our holy nation. Our redemption we are told is compared to the pangs of
childbirth. May the birth of my newest grandson be the last pain we suffer as
the era of Mashiach is finally here.
Have a mazeldikeh Shabbos, a Chodesh Sivan
tov, and an absolutely uplifting Shavuot,
Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz
***************************************
Don’t miss this incredible opportunity to be bonded with me
and Eretz Yisrael and the Torah forever!!
Hi all I have a special opportunity for the first twenty five
responders only. So get ready to click on the link fast! With great gratitude
to Hashem I am delighted to reveal that I have completed the final edits on the
first volume of my upcoming new book “Tour Torah”. Sefer Bereishit is ready to
hit the publisher’s house. I’m just waiting for your help and support and
sponsorship to finish it all up.
The book has been a dream of mine for many years. It’s the best of
my weekly E-Mails (edited of course and reworked a bit) on the weekly Parsha
that connect to Eretz Yisrael and Tour stories through the eyes and messages of
the weekly Torah portion. It’s inspiring, humorous, fun and as I said about my
Pesach books- which I’m sure you have. It’s the most enjoyable Book you’ll ever
read about the Parsha!
In order to publish the book and share the incredible merit and
inspiration that the thousands that will read it each week by their Shabbos table
will have, I’d like to ask if you would consider sponsoring an essay or chapter
in the book, Each parsha has between 2-4 essays with a total of 36 parshas. I’ve
got 10 already spoken for so just need 25 of you to step up to the plate and
dedicate an essay and boom we’re off to the printer.
The entire 5 book series of which this is only the first book has
hopefully been dedicated already, as has the entire first book of Bereishis
larger dedication. As well as all of the parshiyot themselves in the first book
have been each generously chapped up and dedicated. The only remaining opportunities
are these last 25 essay dedications. There’s still a place for you and your
appreciation to share in this exciting work. Your dedication and sponsorship can
be made US tax deductible on the link below and will go to covering the costs
of the publication of the Book and the surplus funds and proceeds from the sales
of the books will go to supporting our Shul, our projects and the war effort
and Chizuk for those effected by the war.
I thank you in advance for your consideration and look forward to
seeing your name and your dedication linked with mine and Eretz Yisrael and the
parsha in this exciting new work.
Here’s is a teaser link
where you can read the introduction to “Tour Torah”
https://docs.google.com/document/d/17podYWGRZNr_F0Tg0KzMgwu8SZ78exeyIvZi3EGGkf8/edit
And here’s the link for
your $360 essay sponsorship
https://interland3.donorperfect.net/weblink/weblink.aspx?name=E343033&id=50
Please message or E-Mail
me before donating and that way I can hold a parsha of your choice in sefer
bereishit of your choice for your dedication.
Thank You!
************************
YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE
WEEK
" Oib
di velt vet verren oisgelaizt, iz es nor in zechus fun kinder.”.- If the world will ever
be redeemed, it will be only through the merit of children.
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK
answer
below at end of Email
9. The local ruler during whose reign in the 18th
century the “New Haifa” was
built was______.
Which of the following sites was built by Abu Nabut?
A. The Mahmoudiya Mosque in Jaffa
B. The Great Mosque of Akko
C. The Sultan’s Pool
D. The Pool of Arches
RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO OF
THE WEEK
V’Zakeinu- I composed this song in
honor of the birth of my first grandson Yoel, Hashem should bless us with
children and grandchildren! Amazing song—Yitz Berry with fantastic arrangements
https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/vzakeynu-lirot-banim
V’Atem- our promise from Hashem at
Mt. Sinai- https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/vatem
Torah
Ha’Kedosha- composed
this for my father’s Torah dedication to our shul the prayer of the Torah-
https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/torah-hakedosha
Dovid
Melech- For
the Yartzeit of our king which is on Shavuos- https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/dovid-melech-r-ephrayim
Last
but not least…. My amazing Eitz Chayim Hi- It’s a tree of life Dovid Lowy on
Vocals and arrangements.-
https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz
RABBI
SCHWARTZ’S PARSHA PRAYER INSPIRATION OF THE WEEK
Ya’ala!- Yeah, everyone says it here when
you’re in a rush. Ya’’alah- Let’s go… I think it’s Arabic actually. But
like all things in the world it all comes back to us. And of course as every
good Jew knows Ya’’alah- is what
we said in shul by mariv tonight and we will say tomorrow as well. I’m
referring to Ya’alah V’Yavo of course. It’s the additional prayer that
we add into our Shemona Esrei prayer on Rosh Chodesh and holidays as
well as in bentching after we eat. Like most prayers unfortunately we
don’t focus or have the time to appreciate the deep insights in all of the
words of our prayers. But that’s what this column is for. To stop a moment or
two and perhaps find something meaningful and deeper that can better help us elevate
our prayers when we recite them.
Now first let’s talk about the placement of the
prayer, which is perhaps most significant this week and month. It’s placement in
both bentching and in Shemona Esrei is right before we ask Hashem
to return our offerings to the Temple in Yerushalayim. It’s most appropriate this
week and month because it comes right after we celebrated the great miracles of
Hashem actually returning us to Yerushalayim on the 28th of Iyar
this past week. The Gaon of Vilna notes that there are three prayers that ask
for our return. The first is Teka Be’shofar which is for the ingathering
of the exiles to Eretz Yisrael. Baruch Hashem we’ve seen that already
start to happen more and more. The second is the rebuilding of Yerushalayim which
in the past 57 years has been incredible to see how the city once desolate is being
rebuilt to the likes that it has never in our entire history ever been!
The last prayer though of Retzei and V’Techezena-
that we should actually see and be desired by Hashem by once again being able
to offer sacrifices in His home on our Temple Mount, has yet to be realized.
That’s what we are still davening the most for and long for. The final prayer
of our requests of Shemona Esrei.
On Rosh Chodesh and holidays when we would normally bring
additional sacrifices we feel that loss even more. To a large degree it’s like
families who have lost children in this terrible bloody war. The pain they feel
is great every day. But on holidays, by the Pesach Seder, by the Chanuka candles,
by special moments that’s when the loss is felt the most. That’s when we turn
to Hashem and add an additional prayer of Ya’aalah! Let our prayers go
up and finally be accepted.
The Gaon of Vilna notes that there are seven terms that
are used to describe each of our ways that we wish to be remembered. Ya’ala,
V’Yavo, V’yeira’aeh…- the prayers should rise up, and come and be seen etc…
count them yourself. Each one is meant to pierce another one of the seven
heavens. As well he notes that there are 5 terminologies of remembrance that we
ask Hashem to remember us. Zichroneinu, v’zichron avoseinu v’zichron mashiach
…etc… they correspond to the five times Hashem tells us in the Torah that He
will remember us. The Rokayach suggests as well that they correspond to the
five books of the Torah, or the 4 different exiles we endure plus Egypt.
Finally we conclude with 7 things again that we ask
Hashem for each of them correspond to different days of the week. The special
occasions, the new months and holidays have the power to bring all the
blessings to all of the chol-weekdays of the year. They bring that
longing of Yerushalayim and its memory that gives us eternal life, that serves
as our place of refuge, of goodness, of blessing and finally of course of
peace.
The prayer concludes ki eleicha eineinu- because
our eyes are towards You Hashem. Isn’t it amazing and did you ever notice before
that the words that follow that when we go back to regular Shmona Esrei are V’Techezena
einenu- and our eyes should see you Hashem…b’Shuvcha l’tiziyon- when
You return to Tzion. Ya’alah! Let’s go we’re all ready…
RABBI
SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK
701 BC-The mystery of
Ravsheka – Ok, so we’ve got the
location down, right outside of the walls of Yerushalayim. As well we
know the date, it’s Erev Pesach when Sancheirev’s army of 180,000 soldiers
that had just wiped out the Lachish and the cities of Yehudah in
the North and a few years after exiling the 10 tribes is now coming for the
final attack. Sancheirev would prefer a surrender. Why fight against
Israel when he can just convince us that we should put down our arms and call
for a ceasefire… Sounds familiar? He promises us that if we surrender then
there will be peace, of course… Sure. That’s what always happens when we
surrender, right?
Yet to convince the Jews
to do this he needs a special envoy that will convince them that they need to
put down their arms. Someone that can even perhaps get the people to rebel
against their stubborn leader Bibi, I mean Chizkiya.
Someone who speaks their language. Someone who can jump over the official “censured”
government communications and get to the people on social media. The man for
the job that he selects is none other than Ravsheka, his third in
command.
In a fascinating speech Ravsheka,
tells the men at the wall- whom we’ll talk about next week, that if they
surrender they’ll be saved. They will be able to enjoy life under their fig and
grape vines. Life will go back to before October 7th, the siege
on our holy cities. He asks them who they are relying on. Is it the King of
Egypt… Biden… The European Union… The United Nations.. Don’t you know that
they are a shaky reed that flies with the wind and changes direction based on
their polling numbers? Even the God of Israel has abandoned them. Isn’t it
obvious that He let this all happen? Ravsheka was going for our jugular.
He was doing a fine job of spin. And it was working. The people at the gate
told him to pipe down. To talk in Aramaic. To use the regular political channels.
To stop posting on Insta and Tik Tok and CNN in Hebrew and subverting the
regular communication means. But that just encourages him to continue to talk
louder in Hebrew. Talk straight to the people.
Who is this Ravsheka.
Our sages tell us something fascinating and mindblowing. The Talmud tells us
that this Ravsheka was none other than the son of Chizkiya, the righteous
King of Israel, himself. Not only was he the son of Chizkiya, but in
fact his mother was the daughter of the prophet Yeshaya Ha’Navi. This is
the wonder child of the two greatest leaders of the time. The shidduch of the century!
How did this come about?
So the Navi tells us
that Chizkiya at one point had gotten deathly ill. When the prophet came
to visit him and tell him why this was happening, he attributed it to the sin
of Chizkiya who had separated from his wife, in order not to have
anymore children. When Yeshaya asked him why he did this, Chizkiya
told him that he had seen prophetically that he would have a son who was evil
and take down the Jewish people. Yeshaya rebuked him telling him that it is not
our place to question Hashem’s merciful plans even though we may not
understand. We have to do what we can do and daven for the best. Chizkiya
agrees to remarry, but he conditions it on Yeshaya giving him his own daughter
as wife, because perhaps the merit of these two homes will protect their
children from this terrible fate. And thus, the shidduch is made. And thus,
two children are born. The first is Menashe, the king that follows Chizkiya
and is really bad, as we will see. And the second is none other than our own Ravsheka.
Yup, according to our sages the same guy now standing outside of the gates.
Can you imagine what
this means? This Ravsheka is the son of the king himself and he is the
one that has not only gone off the “derech”… but he is there perhaps
even self-righteously trying to convince us to surrender to the enemy. You can’t
make this stuff up.
Rav Kook mentions the Talmud that tells us the story
that led to the downfall of these children. It tells us that Chizkiya would
bring them on his shoulders to take them to study Torah. And once the two
children began to mock their father. Menashe saying how funny fathers’
head looks and it is good to bring idolatry upon it and one said its’ good to
fry fish upon it. Chizkiya then threw them to the ground. And then it
concludes that Menashe lived and served idolatry and RavSheka died.
Rav Kook explains that it doesn’t mean the Chizkiya literally
threw them to the ground and killed them. But rather he gave up hope on them.
He left them. That abandonment and lack of faith of their father in them led
them to the paths that they ended on.
There are tremendous
lessons here about not only raising our children and having faith in them. But
as well in realizing that even the greatest men can have issues and children
that don’t follow in their paths. There are no guarantees in life when it comes
to children, and we see this throughout our history and generations. Finally,
the last lesson is the message of Yeshaya to Chizkiya. We can’t
make cheshbonos about what Hashem wants and what will be, when there’s a
mitzva to fulfill. My take from there? Get ready… There are a lot of people
that tell me that they don’t want to make aliya, because they are nervous that their
children will go off the derech (as if that only happens here…). Chazal
are teaching us in this story, that it’s not up to us to make cheshbonos.
If you believe that Hashem told us to move to Israel and this is where we
should live, then
Bhadi kavshi d’rachmana lama
lach- who are you to get
involved with Hashem’s plans
Mai di’mifakedch ibau’i
lach l’meievad- what He commanded you
is what you need to do
U’ma d’nicha kamei d’kudsha
brich hu l’avid- and what is good
before Hashem He will do.
Your fear of your kids
going off the derech is no less certain then Chizkiya’s ruach
ha’kodesh, and in fact Chizkiya’s fears did come to actuality with
both of those sons. Yet, the Jewish path and the Torah philosophy is, that it’s
not our business to get involved in Hashem’s Master plan. We just need to do
what He tells us. And live where He wants and commanded us to…
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE CHILDBIRTH JOKES OF THE WEEK
My wife is pregnant
and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I replied, "Yes
just once."
The doctor asked,
"What was it like?"
I said, "It
was dark, then suddenly very bright."
Whoever coined the
term ‘delivery’ for childbirth made a big mistake. It should have been called
takeout instead.
A woman walks into a
library and asks for a book on childbirth.
The Librarian says
"Try over there in the C section."
God created childbirth
to give women the chance to experience what it's like...
For a guy to catch a
cold....
How warm is a baby at
birth? Womb temperature.
A woman from Texas who
was giving birth went into a coma for a few days. When she woke up, the doctor
told her, “Congratulations, you gave birth to healthy twins: a girl and a
boy. Your ex-boyfriend visited and named them for you”
The woman replies, “no
not him! What did he name the boy?”
Doctor: Mason
Woman: Oh that’s
actually not a bad name. How about the girl?
Doctor: Madaughter
Years later the same
woman once again found herself pregnant and once again she went into a coma.
When she woke up she
heard that she had twins once again and asked the doctor where they were.
The doctor says "Not
to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two
healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad
news."
Immediately thinking
the worst, the mother asks "Oh my God, what's wrong?"
"Well, you
were recovering for a long time," the doctor says solemnly, "we
had to give the children a name. Your brother chose them..."
Shocked, the mother
asks "What did he name the girl?"
The doctor lets out a
sigh and says "Denise."
"Oh!" The mother says, "That's a lovely
name, what about the boy?"
The doctor places a
hand on the mother's shoulder, shaking his head he says...
"Denephew."
A man is waiting for
his wife to give birth.The doctor comes in and informs him that his son was
born without torso, arms or legs. Your son is just a head! But the father loves
his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21
years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and
tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest,
strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and
the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of
alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead
silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to
drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender still
shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild, but
the bartender is clearly disapproving. The father, crying and wailing, begs his
son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender ignores
the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he
reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop
out. The bar is in chaos. The father
falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on
his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the
front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him
instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs
and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
A woman gives birth to
a boy...
Husband: I know what
we should name him.
Wife: What?
Husband: 'Setting a
house on fire'
Wife: What? Why?
Husband: Because he is
arson.
My father was born
with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once
removed.
**********************************
The
answer to this week”s question is A– So I
got a 50/50 on this question, although I guessed and thought it would be the other
way around. I guessed the first part as El Jazaar, who was the ruler of Akko
and I think was also in Haifa. He followed Dahr El omar who was the real
builder and the right answer. So I was close but not correct. The second part I
really had no clue who Abu Nabut was, but for some reason I thought I
remembered he had something to do with Yaffo and thus I went wit that answer
and was surprisingly correct. It’s hard when I deleted most of this stupid uninteresting
Muslim Arab information from my memory that none of my tourists are interested
in. So anyways half half on this one making my score Rabbi Schwartz 6 and Ministry of
Tourism 3 on this exam so far.
