Being Meshuga- Purim 2024 5784

 

Insnorts and Indigestion

from the

Oily Land

from

Hagaon Hagadol Doctor of Geopolitics and Musical wonder

Ephraim Schwartz

"Your Shnorrer in Karmiel"

 October 167^th  2024 -Volume 613 Issue 666 -97^th of Adar IV 5784

PURIM 2024

Being Meshuga

(Annual Top Ten List)

We are at war now in case no one out there has chapped yet. I know it’s strange for people to  brains around the concept. We really haven’t had a war like the one that we’re having right now in my lifetime. Sure, we’ve had had “operations” and even extended battles that we liked to call wars a bunch of times in the past. But we only called it that because it was good for business. It was good for the travel business that could make money on “solidarity missions”. It was great for the tzedaka business because after-all who doesn’t want to support a nation at war. It was really great for the tefilla and kabbalot industry where Rabbis could get people to come to shul, to stop talking during davening, throw out their i-phones and wear short shaitels in order to bring salvation to the Jewish people in those terrible times of crisis that we called wars. But between you and me, all of those battles in the past were really just fun little swat the annoying mosquito Arabs that are pains in the tuchas activities. As someone splained it to me here once, In America everyone understands that every so often you have to take a lawnmower and cut down the overgrowth in your backyard. Here our backyard is Lebanon, Gaza and even the West Bank. So every few years we gotta trim those hedges as well. But it wasn’t war.

This though is different. This is insane. This is Messianic. This is over 1500 civilians dead. It’s dying soldiers every day. It’s hostages-just like in biblical times. Its pogroms like in the Crusades and the Cossacks. And it’s antisemitism like we’re back in Germany in 1939. Colleges, University leaders, Swastikas on shuls, everyone needs a gun, governments that are turning their back on us right and left- mostly left though. It’s insane. It’s meshuga. It’s surreal. There are 19- and 20-year-old kids in this country writing out last wills and testaments. That’s not normal. Even worse is that they’re actually being read and put on bumper stickers after they’ve horrifyingly been needed and read by their funerals. Hundreds of thousands of refugees, burnt kibbutzim, daily missile barrages, the worst atrocities that aren’t even conceivable and all from a few miles that’s shorter than Kings Parkway to 12^th Avenue or Jackson to Freehold in traffic. It’s been 167 days that what was once thought to be one of the strongest militaries in the world hasn’t been successful in wiping out a bunch of stupid teenagers with rockets. It’s absolutely crazy. It’s a real war. A war on all fronts. And the war has made us crazier then ever.

There are a lot of songs that have come out of this war. Am Yisrael Chai, Acheinu, Gam Ha’shaot Ha’chashuchot she’balayla etc. and other inspirational tunes, lyrics and prayers that highlight different aspects of the war. Yet the one song that I think best “taytches’ it all up is the song “Mi Meshuga- Ani Meshuga- who’s’ crazy? I’m crazy” song. We have the craziest nation in the world. We’re in the craziest situation we’ve ever been in. And thus there’s nothing like losing it in the heavy lyrics and beat and jump up and down and just scream “Mi Meshuga? ani Meshuga”- I’m crazy I’m crazy I’m crazy… Because we really are a crazy nation and people. We do things that are crazy because we experience things that are crazy.

Think about it for a second. Who flies into a war zone to bring schnitzel to a soldier? What army in the world has soldiers literally dancing and putting up Tik Tok videos daily as they sing and dance and read from ancient books or pray and daven in tefillin and Talit in Gaza with missiles flying all over? Which nation has tens of thousands of little kids writing letters and praying for above crazy soldiers and the soldiers hanging those letters on their tanks? Who thinks about beef Jerky for soldiers and make sure they have BBQ’s pizza and cigarettes? How not normal is that thousands of senior citizens are out and up early morning every day picking crops for farmers they don’t know or making cheese sandwiches for children of refugees or mothers of reservists? You realize this is crazy right? This is not normal? People are going daily to funerals of people they don’t know, paying shiva calls and paying random bills for soldiers and other needy families. Mi ki’amcha Yisrael is a tame description of our people. Mi meshuga ki’Yisrael is more appropriate.

But it’s crazy times. And crazy times makes us do crazy things. And what’s even most amazing is that there is not a Jew out there that thinks what we are doing is crazy. We think this is normal. We don’t’ understand even understand how we could do it otherwise. Our barometer of what’s normal is tuned differently. The war has done this to us. Hashem has brought us to this place. He understands that for us to get to where we need to be right now, we have to get a little meshuga and Baruch Hashem we are slowly getting there. The craziness has a goal. It has a destination.

I have little patience though for everyone to get to that destination. I don’t think Hakadosh Baruch Hu does either. He’s actually been waiting about 2000 years for us to finally get there. The thing is, He’s pretty sure that we’re the crazy ones that haven’t jumped on the plane yet and come here yet. Yeah, He knew that we were stiff-necked when He hooked up with us in the first place. To be honest it’s kind of what attracted Him to us in the first place.

It’s like one of those stupid things that happens when you’re dating, and you just love the fact that the woman you’re going out with is not just some push-over but actually has a strong opinion about things. Or how the guy that you’re seeing has such an easy-going personality and is able to make a joke about everything and be so upbeat. And then you marry them and hit yourself on the head trying to understand what was wrong with the woman that would just say yes and agree to everything, or what you could possibly find attractive about a guy that just doesn’t take anything you say seriously and can’t have a deep emotional discussion with you. Welcome to my life. Yeah… Hashem pretty much goes through that with us.

But He’s apparently pretty over that by now. It’s enough already. It’s time for Him to come home. For us to come home. So, He pretty much understood that for that to happen things have to get crazy. Biblical crazy. Ten plagues crazy. Corona wasn’t enough. Dead Gedolim didn’t do it. Shidduch crisis, tuition crisis, shechita bans, shul shootings, yeah yeah yeah… vayter ge’gangin as they yiddish…na’avor gam et zeh… So, He had no really choice but to go totally Meshuga. To take us back to the Crusades, to the Cossacks, to 6 million crazy. To bring out our crazy. Because that’s the only way He understood we could get to the end of the story. That we would finally turn the one page of our exile that we seemed to be stuck on. We’re kind of like Joe Biden in that way that can’t get the next sensible word out of our mouth because we’re stuck in a stutter and just say stupid things. You just want to slap the guy and say be quiet and read the teleprompter telling you what the next word is. Yeah… that’s the slap we’re getting. Because crazy isn’t what we’re doing now, crazy is not doing what He wants us to do next.

So on that order I decided this year to help out Hashem a little bit, who sometimes because of this whole Hidden thing He has going on and doesn’t like to say things clearly to us and prefers to let us figure it out ourselves. I think it has something to do with this free-will concept which is really getting out of hand and hasn’t been doing the job. So as God’s helper on this world with a large social media following between my whatsapp statuses and weekly E-Mails-although from your sponsorship and donations to my pleas and cries one might debate that… - I decided to help Hashem out a bit. To say it like it is. To reveal the craziness of not coming to Israel now and finally making this over. So welcome to our annual 2024 PurimTop Ten list of the year. Drumroll… baaa dumm dumm… Here we go.

The Top Ten Reasons You’re Crazy if you don’t make Aliya now

10) Ever watch those Holocaust movies and start yelling at the screen at those people sitting there in Poland, in Hungary, in Germany, in Amsterdam. Dude… get out of there. They’re coming for you. Hellooo don’t you see the parades outside your doors with those swastikas. Doesn’t the fact that they shot up your shul tell you something? Don’t you like see how every stinking country where we were comfortable…too comfortable… it all changed very quickly and you couldn’t get out. Don’t you remember how you couldn’t get to Israel over Corona? I mean even if the first guys didn’t chap. Poland didn’t get it let’s say. But really by 1940 don’t you think Hungary should’ve stopped saying… Oh noo… it’s not going to happen here. Our goyim are better. Crazy, right? And they didn’t even have an Israel to come to. I mean you yourself was saying “how can anyone stay in France” with all that anti-semitism? Duhh… remember that conversation. 70% of your neighbors want you dead. Believe the polls. Listen to the News. Stop banking on Trump. The game is over get out before Lakewood becomes Auschwitz, Boro Park is Birkenau, Detroit and Denver are Dachau, and the five towns are Treblinka and Theresienstadt. Leave now. I don’t want to have to make pilgrimages to the mekmos hakedoshim in America of the “glory that once was”. It’s over. Leave.

9)  We need you here now. We really do. We need your money. We’re in trouble. We need all that money you’re wasting on your shuls, your tuitions, your building campaigns, your fancy weddings, lawns, cars, meat boards. We need you to sell everything that you have and built there over the past 70 years and bring that money here now. I mean it’s really a waste because the goyim there are just going to take it from you anyways. They’re just going to burn it all up. They’re going to confiscate all the art you bought. They’re going to requisition all of your possessions. They’ve always done that. It’s what always happens. And stop stop stop stop saying Oh no… this time’s different. It will never happen here. Just stop already. Don’t you know how stupid and crazy that sounds.  It’s sounds about as dumb as a two-state solution or a cease-fire agreement. Break that stiff-neck of yours. Sell it all bring it here. We need it.

8) The truth is it’s more than just your money we need here. We need your brains and your clear thinking attitude that the Israelis here don’t have. You get it over there- just like we get your situation from over here. We’re really smart about what other people should do. Ein adam ro’eh es mumo- we just don’t see our own blemishes.

You guys get it over there that what’s going on over here is ridiculous. You’ve been talking about it in the coffee room in Lakewood for months already over your water cooler at work and at your Shabbos table. You know that we should just stop playing games and just blow the whole thing up and kill everybody. We need to stop with this ridiculous humanitarian aid to the animals that are killing us. You understand that we need to literally start hanging Hamas guys up from the gate that we have in prison and chop them into little pieces hundreds of them each day until we get our hostages back. You see the craziness in the fact that it’s 167 and we haven’t really done anything significant yet in ending this already. In the 6-day war we quadrupled our country when we faced an army ten times our size. This should’ve taken a day and a half. So we need you here to tell them that. They can’t hear you in your coffee room. Stop yelling at the TV screen of what you perceive as the impending holocaust here and get into the room. It’s crazy to be over there and just watching this happen. Do you really how stupid you look?

7) Besides your money and your world-view we actually need your hands and man and woman power as well. There are sandwiches that needs to be made, there are jobs that need to be filled while everyone is out fighting for our lives. There are crops that need to be picked that are just heart wrenchingly dying on the trees wherever I drive in this country. We need doctors, nurses, therapists… so so many therapists OTs PTs and every other T. We need smart computer people, we need developers, construction guys. We need bus drivers or even people that can just drive a car and deliver things to people. The lawyers can stay there though. The politicians as well. When I say we need you, I don’t mean for a four-day mission so you can go back to the States and show everyone pictures of the chayal you sponsored a bbq from or the one you visited in the hospital. We need you here for good. This isn’t ending. Your four day missions are cute and very inspiring, invigorating and chizuk giving, but it’s not enough.

The truth is it’s really not even anything. It’s like giving your kid a nice breakfast and telling him to fend for himself for lunch and dinner. Are you really areivim zeh la’zeh or not? Do you really feel that what we are going through is your tzarah, your kid, your brother, sister or mother or not? If this was your brother and he needed you to move here-which we do and you didn’t come and you sat back and watched it happen, wouldn’t that be crazy?  Meshuga?

6) Now, if your doing the Jewish thing now, you’re telling yourself that you really don’t have money, so that one doesn’t count. You don’t have any particular skill set that you can bring, you sell stuff on Amazon. You don’t even feel you have an opinion that will make a difference with by coming here. So you’re really not that crazy. Well hope about this one? We need your body. We need to populate this country. We just cleared out the whole North of Gaza that needs to have Jews in it before the maggots come back. We need you in the West Bank and need to make that as populous as Jerusalem. Don’t tell me that you only can live in those large Jewishly populated places like Lakewood or Boro Park. You moved to Jackson, Tom’s River, Century Village, down to Mill Basin and stinking Waterbury. So move to the Shomron. Move to the Gush. Move to Karmiel, the Galil, the Golan. Fill the country with Jew so that there’s a humanitarian and housing crisis that will require we take over every Arab village. Settle the land. Is it your home or isn’t it? Hashem is screaming this at you. He gave half of you and really every Jew a natural draw and nack for the real estate and construction industry. Do you really think He did that so you can build a new neighborhood in Freehold? Another condo in Phoenix? What don’t you get about this?

5) Ok let’s start getting a bit spiritual here as well. You know that joke… everyone does, about the guy on the sinking boat. Where Hashem sends him the rescue boat, the helicopter, the life preserver and he keeps saying Hashem will save me… Hashem will save me… and then he comes up to heaven and God says who do you think sent you all of those things? Well that loser is you. You literally daven three times a day to return to Israel. You say it every time you bentch. You say l’shana ha’bah bi’yerushalayim at your Pesach Seder and even really mean it. You get down on the smelly floor on Tisha B’Av and mournfully tell Hashem how much you want to come back to Israel. Ummmm… yeah… helicopter, life preserver, rescue boat… He gave it to you buddy. Wake up. We’re here. There are flights. There’s plenty of land. There’s opportunity. There’s yeshivos, falafel stores, there’s even Heinz ketchup and in some places you can even find American cheese. What the heck are you wating for? Your prayers have been answered.  How crazy is it to stay on that sinking boat when Hashem has literally sent you everything you need and more. How can you even get up tomorrow morning and say v’li’yerushalyim ircha b’rachamimm tashuv- and not think you’re the guy on that boa in the joke? Crazy… right? Except it’s not and really never was a funny joke in the first place.

4) Taking spiritual to the next level though is really more than about being honest with your prayers. It’s about doing the mitzvos and experiencing your Judaism the way that its meant to be felt. Let’s be honest here. Let’s look at the Torah, at Chazal, at the commentaries, at the basic premise that literally every single great Rabbi and leader of Klal Yisrael since Moshe Rabbeinu understood to be true. The mitzvos were given to be observed here in Eretz Yisrael. The function of Klal Yisrael we are repeatedly told since the beginning is that we all move to Israel and keep the mitzvos here and thus the shechina will reside with us and shine out the light to the rest of the world. If Hashem wanted us to just keep the mitzvos and Shabbos, and Sukkah and Tefillin and listen to His commands He could’ve saved us forty years in the wilderness and just cleared out Mitzrayim for us. He’s not the Israeli army, He doesn’t have a hard time clearing out a country for us. If He wanted us in Europe, in Poland, in Lakewood to just build shuls and Beit medrashes, if He wanted just a lot of acolyte followers that does what He wants, He could’ve just left Avraham Avinu in Charan. Our first Patriarch was doing great there with his kiruv organizations. But it was never about that. It was about fulfilling the mitzvos here.

You know this. Stop playing dumb. Stop pretending that your Sukkah, your fancy “mikdash me’at’s that you build, the matza that you eat and even the tzedaka you give there are anything more than Splenda mitzvos. They taste like sugar and our sweet and even drinkable in your coffee and you even get lots of credit in shamayim for keeping the biblically and rabbinically commanded mitzvos- as the Ramban says- so that when you merit to live in Israel, you’ll know how to do them, but they’re not the real thing. You get that right? It’s why you daven that Hashem brings us home. It’s why pretty much every gadol always wanted to come here. Forget about the shemitta, the terumos and maasros, the mitzva to settle the land, that your really can’t even pretend to do over there. So c’mon. you’re a religious Jew. You follow the Torah and “give up” so much and sacrifice so that you can do things properly. You pay fortunes of money for “hiddur mitzva” so that it’s only done the best and fanciest way? So, isn’t it crazy that you wouldn’t just actually come here and do it in the place where you really get the most out of it?

3) Next up that is particularly relevant and that you should think long and hard about this week during Torah reading is that only in Israel now you can fulfill the mitzva of wiping out Amalek. I know a lot of you have gotten their gun licenses already. You’ve been practicing on the range. Are you really saving those bullets for the dumb pink haired college Free Palestine loser that’s going to come knocking on your door. He’s not Amalek, he’s just a loser without a job, a life and a brain. Here with Hamas and Hezbolla we have the real thing you can kill. That we need you to kill. We’ve been waiting a long time for this milchemes mitzva. We’ve had to satisfy ourselves with twisting a gragger by some of the Haman’s that the reform gabbai in your supposedly chareidi shul allows you to bang and make noise by. Come to Israel now and you can hear the sweet bloodcurdling sound of bullets smashing through and exploding in their heads. You can hear Amalek’s screams pierce the heavens as you chop them into little pieces. You can have fun dropping bombs on their heads. That sweet whizzing sounds as you launch RPGs at their hospitals. It’s a real purim party! It would be really crazy to stick around and just write Haman and Amalek on the bottom of your shoe and dance on him when you can actually be stomping on their baby’s heads. Wouldn’t you agree?

2) Getting to the end now of our Top Ten List and it’s time for Jewish guilt. Think of how disappointed all of your ancestors for thousands of years are in you. Think of them all sitting their next to Hashem by His throne of glory and literally not being able to get over how pathetic it is that the dream that they all had their entire lives of being able to move, to settle, to live and breathe every day the holy air of Eretz Yisrael is being squandered by their children and grandchildren because they like the Pizza better in America, or because they’re scared that they don’t know the language well enough or won’t have the same customer service they’re used to and might have to god forbid bag their own groceries. Think about how Moshe is sitting up in Shamayim remembering his 515 prayers non-stop to Hashem to be able to have the opportunity that you have and how really ticked off he must be at you. I mean if you thought he got angry at Gad and Reuvein and they just wanted to stay in the Golan Heights, imagine if they would’ve told him that they prefer Cedarhurst or Baltimore! Really?!

Can you imagine how aghast the Gaon of Vilna and the Baal Shem Tov must feel that people that are claiming to be their students or chasidim won’t even teach their children about how central our return to Israel even before Mashiach comes was to them and how much they gave up just to be able to do that. Or how about the Rambam, what he must be thinking about those guys that spend all day mulling over his every letter, but don’t get how he literally established a yom tov for generations in his family just because he visited here and how he mourned and felt miserable each day that he didn’t come.  Forget about the 6 million souls that sang ani ma’amin what they must be thinking. I mean you gotta admit, that you can’t really have many fans in heaven right now that are proud of your “lifestyle choice of dwelling”. To disappoint daily every single holy soul that came before you and brought you to this era where Hashem has given us the bracha and dream that they only wished they could have is really a little bit meshuga don’t you concur?

1) and so here we’ve arrived. I mean literally arrived. The number one reason why you’ve gotta be crazy not to make aliya right now is because there is no experience in the entire world that will be more amazing and powerful then getting off that plane and knowing that after 2000 years you’ve finally come home. The tears will flow. Your heart will explode. Walking down that tarmac will literally feel like you’re walking down the chupah to the shechina. All your bubbie’s and zaydie’s neshomos will be standing in the aisles waiting for you, shepping nachas. The air you breathe will all of sudden start to change you. You will see that flag waving, that blue and white magen David on a talis and you will feel a holy love for a land that red stripes and stars could never make you feel. 3000 years ago, there were prophets that saw that scene. They told people about it. They saw you. They saw those El Al wings of eagles that you landed on. The sun is shining brighter than it ever did before. The Shechina is coming as well, because all of His children are around the table, waiting for Totty to come down. We realize then and experience what normal real was meant to feel like. That everything until that moment was crazy. Tikun Olam has happened when you come. The world isn’t broken anymore. It isn’t crazy anymore. The nations are all coming. Crazy is over. It’s not meshuga. It’s Mashiach. And you brought him. The crazy is over and new world has begun.

Have a safe flight and fraylechen Purim

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

This week's Insights and Inspiration has been sponsored by my children who love me, who appreciate all my hard work for them, who think I’m the smartest father in the world, who want to be just like me when they grow up, who wish my E-Mails would be longer and longer. My parents chipped in as well because they love when I mention them and share all the personal details of my upbringing with the world. Even Rivky and Gitty my sisters wanted to kick in some money just to tell the world hwo lucky and proud they are to have me as their brother. Gedalia as well and Jodi can’t thank  me enough for marrying them off and making them live in Norfolk Virginia and preparing the whole city for them.

Needless to say once again I lack a sponsor and so I just make things up so I don’t look bad… Yeah… you know how that goes..

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CHIZUK/TZEDAKA OPPORTUNITY OF THE WEEK

 

Just when you thought that I had shnorred enough I’ve come up with a new way to hit you up for money with this new column… Yes I think that there are no causes in America worthy of any of your charity. I kind of feel its like Mitzrayim over there that I singlehandedly have the job of emptying out so that you can finally get out of galus already. See how much I care about you

 Chesed Amusei Beten- This is one of the most incredible and important organizations out there that everyone of you should immediately contribute to- after you donate to my shul of course. Theres a major stomach crisis in klal Yisrael right now. People in the Frum world are so fat that they can’t fit into plane seats anymore. Their pants are splitting right and left and it’s quite embarrassing. Things fall on the floor, usually a few French fries or something important like that and people can’t bend down over their huge belly to pick them up and its mamash baal tashchis. Forget about the shidduch crisis and tuition crisis, girls can’t get into cars, kids can’t fit through school doors. People need stomach surgeries, because Ephraim Schwartz is really the only skinny person in the world left.

 So with complete and cow udder dedication, Rabbi Schwartz who is always considered about the well being and health of the pants of klal Yisrael has started this organization in order that other people as well can have their stomach chopped in half and eat only three bites. Sure there are starving children in Africa and Ethiopia that are dying because we don’t finish what’s on our plate, but who cares about them anyways? They yelled at us in the international courts.  But this organization costs a lot of money. But it’s an investment that will pay off. Imagine how fast all the meatboard and chulent stores and bagel shops will close down. Prices will drop. We all gain… I mean not weight but gain spiritually from this endeavor.

 So please click on this link and make a fat donation today

 www. ThinlikeRabbiSchwartz.Causematchidy.Jew

 

YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

" Fun shikker and fun shenker shtinkt mil bronfen. The drunkard and the bartender both smell of whisky.

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

answer below at end of Email

97 Yoshka pished at the site of the church located in ___________.

Chareidim don’t serve in the Army because?

A. They’re too fat

B. It’s a gezeira that they might come to vote

C. The Army is scared that Thursday night chulent gas is against international rules of War

D. They do serve, who do you think comes up with all our winning strategies in the coffee room of Zichron Moshe?

 RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO OF THE WEEK

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/yiddelach   – In Honor of PURim MY latest new release… Its; the only song I’m posting this week. You just have to listen to it five times… If You want the Rap at the end… IT’s amazing… Tell me how much you love it…

 https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/techelet-mordechai  – Remember this great Rabbi Schwartz Purim composition! Get into the groove it’s the ultimate Purim Seuda song.. Techlet Mordechai

 https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/layehudim   -  And here’s my La’Yehudim song and composition. These are the only songs you need to play the entire Purim… Now jut play again and again…

 RABBI SCHWARTZ’S PARSHA PRAYER INSPIRATION OF THE WEEK

 Purim Prayers- It is the holiest day of the year. Yom Kippurim is only a day “ki” Purim like Purim. Purim is the real deal. It’s when all of the gates in heaven are opened and one needs to utilize this special day to daven for things that we never thought of davening before. See on Yom Kippur we can only achieve teshuva and repentance for the sins that we committed when we regret them and feel bad for them and promise never to do them again. On Purim we daven that we are able to get away with murder. That we can throw up on people that have been annoying us all year around. That we can make fun of those Rabbis that were pains in our neck. That we can break our neighbors porch and relive ourselves on their annoying rose garden. The power of Purim is that we can do all of those things at it mamash becomes a mitzva of being happy on this special holy day.

 As well there are personal needs that we request on Purim that we can daven for. We can pray very hard that we get a laxative quick. That we don’t have such bad heartburn. That Hashem magically brings us another bottle of wine. Somehow directs our stumbling drunken feet to the house of a great party with lots of meatboards. That our wives and children don’t hate us tomorrow and that we don’t say anything to revealing that might make them hate us forever. Or even better yet that they get as drunk as we do and forget it all tomorrow morning.

 Now for these special prayers and requests to work on Purim one has to daven differently then you do the rest of the year. Whereas on Yom Kippur Hashem likes to see us in a white Kittel, on Purim He appreciates clown costumes or some cheap thing you picked up in the thrift shop for $5. La’Mehadrin is that it should be very sweaty by the time you come to daven and have wine stains on the collar. Chasidim must bring a gartel to shul, but on Purim the obligation is to tie it around the drunk guy swaying fitfully next to you’s feet. He’s been crying in your ears for so long and Hashem is frankly getting a headache from him and would love to see him fall on his face when he tries to take three steps backwards.

 Now on Purim Hashem is a little bit hard of hearing. He’s like in Karlin all around the world and so He really needs you to shout your prayers to Him out loud. Silent Shmona esreis are for the rest of the year. Even better is to break into songs at appropriate times, He likes Carlebach ones the best. There really is no need for a Chazan on Purim for your prayers, cause everyone is one person on this special day and therefore everyone should just sing over him regularly. It does get confusing though at some points so if possible someone should randomly call out page numbers through out the service and just so everyone knows he could probably stand on the bima when he does so, although the rest of the year that is strictly forbidden.

 Finally the last and most important part of prayer is to make sure that you have destroyed the yetzer hara and Amalek before you daven. You need to reach a place of ad d’lo yada- where you are like Adam Harishon before he sinned. So therefore in order to get to that special holy place it is important to feel like Adam Harishon who had no shame about his body before he sinned. He didn’t need any fig leafs to cover himself up with. He was like a baby the day he was born. And you should as well reach that special high. You don’t even need a Mikva. Hashem is your Mikva. He will purify you. So let yourself go. Feel Free. The salvation is on the way. Skinny Dip while you daven. Your in the garden of Hashem.

Happy Purim, have fun!

 RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

2025 CE-War ends- After 168 days since the terrible attack on Israel from Hamas the war in Israel has finally ended. The Navi told us that there would be miracles that were even greater then when we left Egypt but who would’ve thought it would be this. See, after 167 days of fighting endlessly in Gaza where so many soldiers were killed and there was no hope or sight of any return of our hostages all of a sudden a plane flew into Ben Gurion airport. It was full of people that were inspired by this weekly E-Mail they received from this incredible tour guide, song writer and purported Rabbi from Karmiel. They said they were here to finally take care of the problems we’ve been having.

 

Obviously it was a long flight and many of them hadn’t had shwarma in a long time so they stopped off at Halo Teiman on their way over to Gaza with their driver in the minibus. They fressed there for a few hours because they knew that they needed extra energy and then they headed over to the border. Of course they stopped a few times along the way to get snacks and take pictures with some chayalim, but eventually they had kfituzus haderech and made it over to the border. Once there they quickly took out their gartels and davened Mincha and were then ready for action. They climbed on the nearest tanks. Took some more pictures. Video chatted with their friends back in Boro Park and then got off the tanks and went back to the minibus to get some more food.

 By this time Hamas who had heard about this impending attack from Yair Lapid, Chuck Shumer and some college students in Harvard were wondering what was going on. They all climbed into a tunnel together and prepared to attack the unwary chasidim. What they didn’t chap was Hashem had miraculously sent an important business call to one of them, who was working on big deal that he was handling and they all got distracted and forgot there’s a war that needed to be fought. Hashem saw this tremendous faith of klal Yisrael that were able to be so clueless and ignore all of the dangers surrounding them and jump into that phone call like Nachshon ben Aminadav. Hashem was so inspired by this incredible heroism and mesirus nefesh that he preformed a miracle and the ground opened up and swallowed all of the Hamas up. The war was over.

The chasidim finished their phone calls and sang songs to Hashem about Rebbi Nachman and Reb Shayaleh that had saved them from all their troubles as he always did. They even included Rebbi Shimon Bar Yochai into the song too. It was greater than the song of Moshe at the sea. We had been saved once again. Immediately the Chasidim started to look at the new real estate development opporotunities that were on the new beach front properties available now from the river to the sea. And thus Shneller’s Gaza Estates were founded.

 RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE JOKES OF THE WEEK

V”NAHAPOCH HU!

NO JOKES TODAY…

HA HA HA….

OK I told you that there would be jokes and I lied. Eleven pages is long enough.. you’re not getting this far down in the E-Mail anyways… So enjoy. Bentch and send me money quick!

Fraylichen Purim

Your favorite Rabbi

Status Up-Date -Parshat Yisro 5783 2023

 

Insights and Inspiration

from the

Holy Land

from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

"Your friend in Karmiel"

February 10^th 2023 -Volume 12 Issue 17 19^th of Shevat 5783

 

Parshat Yisro

Status Up-date

 

 22^nd of Nissan 2448 from Creation  12:05 PM –

“Booooker Tov, everyone out there watching my status today. It’s your favorite tour guide/Rabbi standing right out here on the banks of the Red Sea. The Egyptians are breathing down our neck, but I think we are in for amazing, cool miracles coming up. Moshe Rabbeinu told us to stop davening and to start marching forward. That’s a new one for him. Most of my Rebbeim  would always scold me when I would start walking around during davening. But hey, Moshe’s the boss and he hasn’t led us wrong until now. So off we go. I could use a nice dip in the Red Sea, so why not?”

 

12:15 PM

OMG this is pretty amazing. The sea just split. It’s glorious. 12 paths for each tribe, hanging fruits and refreshments along the way. This is awesome. All of a sudden, I just heard some drums beating. What is that? It sounds familiar this tune. I can’t believe this. The whole Klal Yisrael is singing my tune for Shiras Ha’Yam. ‘Az Yashee’er Mosheh… Az Yasheer Mo’oshe, Moshe! Az Yashshe’er Moshe.. U’vnei Yisrael es Ha’shira Hazos La’Hashem”

 

4:00 PM

“Cool! We made it to the other side and you’re not gonna believe this folks… The Egyptians thought they could join this party and they were very very wrong. There come the waves crashing down upon them. They are getting tossed and turn and chucked up and down like that French Fry guy by the tachana merkazit that tosses the French fries out of the frying pan to get out all of the oil and mix in the salt. Up and down and up down. This is so cool. So amazing. No more Egypt. No more Nazi’s. Take that you filthy slime bags. Don’t mess with Hashem’s favorite nations.”

 

15^th of Iyar 2448 10:08 AM

“Ok, Boker Tov again. It’s a few days later. And you know I like to status every day, but it’s been kind of crazy here. First of all, we ran out of water. But once again it was no problem. Moshe threw a stick in the river and poof it was like the sweetest water you could ever imagine. Delicious. Next, we ran out of food. And to be honest I was getting a bit sick of those left-over Matzos from Egypt already and what do you know? It seems Moshe is a really good tour guide. He knows where the best Mehadrin restaurants are. We woke up in the morning and we had this delicious white wafer like thing that was sitting on our front porch. At first, I was a bit skeptical, but it was awesome. Tasted like Manna from heaven. Oh yeah, that’s what it was. Whatever flavor I imagined it tasted like. For breakfast I made it taste like those over-stuffed bagels and lox sandwiches from that place on Ave J. (Bagel Hole?), For lunch it was of course Pizza Time. Dinner was the best, as it was the Ephraim Schwartz special from Essen; a nice slide of Sino steak with kishka swimming like an Egyptian in that gravy on the side and of course refills on those pickles and juicy sweet cole slaw. And all in a little wafer which is about the size my new improved stomach could handle. I am so in heaven… Who needs Brooklyn when you can get all of that stuff here in the camp of Hashem?”

 

12:47 PM

“Oops. I’m sorry. I got so caught up in the food thing, that I forgot to tell you about that crazy battle that we had along the way. You figure that the whole world would be pretty freaked out about us by now after the whole Egypt thing. But you know what? There were these losers from the South called Amalekites and they decided to come and attack us. They seemed pretty scary at first. And it especially got nerve-wracking when Moshe and Aharon disappeared and left us with General Yehoshua down below. But you know what? It was the coolest thing. We looked up to the mountain and we saw Moshe with his hands held up and we knew that we had nothing to fear. Those uplifted hands pointing to Hashem reminded us that we really have nothing to fear. The Master of the Universe is on our side. He can handle these pathetic losers attacking us, No Problemo. It’s all you need in life, boys and girls. A little faith. A little knowledge of how much He loves us and takes care of us. That He is always our Father holding us on His back and He won’t let anyone hurt us if we just call out to Him and remind ourselves of all of that. It’s good to be the sons of the King.”

 

6^th of Sivan 2448 12:00 PM

“HEY WORLD! THIS IS HASHEM STATUSING RIGHT NOW. I”VE TAKEN OVER RABBI SCHWARTZE’S WHATSAPP STATUS RIGHT NOW AND IN FACT EVERYONE’S STATUS SO YOU WILL NOT GET DISTRACTED AS I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT UPDATE THAT YOU NEED TO HEAR. IT’S A ONCE IN AN ETERNITY TYPE OF REVELATION. I’M SPEAKING REALLY TO THE JEWISH PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN CAMPING HERE FOR A FEW DAYS BY THIS MOUNTAIN OF MINE, BUT I WANT ALL OF YOU TO HEAR ME AND UNDERSTAND.

 

 I AM THE LORD THAT TOOK THEM OUT OF EGYPT.

 

THEY SHALL NOT HAVE ANY OTHER GODS BESIDES. THEY SHOULDN’T BOW OR SERVE THEM. I’M A BIT JEAOLOUS OF THAT AND YOU REALLY DON’T WANT TO MESS WITH ME.

 

DON’T STAM USE MY NAME IN VAIN. IT’S A BAD THING, JUST CALL ME HASHEM AND THAT’S GOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

 

KEEP THE SHABBOS, MAKE KIDDUSH EAT CHULENT, RELAX, CHILL AND STOP BEING BUSY. REMEMBER I CREATED THE WORLD AND AM IN CONTROL OF EVERYTHING. YOU CAN RELAX. ENJOY. IT’S A GOOD THING.

 

HONOR YOUR PARENTS. IT’S A BIG SEGULA FOR ARICHUS YAMIM AND NOT JUST FOR LONG LIFE BUT LONG LIFE IN THE LAND OF ISRAEL. THAT’S REALLY WHERE IT ALL COUNTS ANYWAYS.

 

HERE’S A SHORT LIST OF BAD THINGS I REALLY DON’T WANT YOU TO DO.

DON’T KILL ANYONE- NOT FOR REAL, NOT FOR FAKE, NOT BY EMBARASSING THEM OR EVEN BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU’RE HOLY ENOUGH TO DO THAT AND THEY’RE REALLY BAD.

 

DON’T MESS AROUND WITH AND DO IMMODEST THINGS WITH PEOPLE YOU’RE NOT MARRIED TO. A HAPPY WIFE AND HUSBAND ARE THE ONLY TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS THAT WILL ULTIMATELY BRING YOU A GOOD LIFE. AND SO DON’T BE BUSY SURFING THE INTERNET OR WATCHING THINGS THAT WILL JUST LEAD YOU DOWN A BAD PATH AS WELL. IT’S JUST NOT GOOD.

 

DON’T STEAL. NOT FROM ANOTHER JEW, NOT FROM A GOY. NOT FROM THE GOVERNMENT. NOT FROM ANYONE. JUST DON’T TAKE THINGS THAT ARE NOT YOURS. AM I CLEAR? I TOLD YOU, I HAVE YOU COVERED. YOU’RE NOT GONNA GET ANY RICHER BY BREAKING THE LAW AND TAKING THINGS THAT DON’T BELONG TO YOU.

 

DON’T LIE. NOT IN COURT, NOT TO THE POLICE OFFICER THAT PULLS YOU OVER. NOT TO YOUR PARENTS, YOUR TEACHERS, AND CERTAINLY NOT TO YOUR RABBIS. TELL THE TRUTH.

 

FINALLY LAST BUT NOT LEAST. DON’T BE JEALOUS OF OTHER PEOPLES STUFF. I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED. IF I DIDN’T GIVE IT TO YOU, YOU DON’T NEED IT. IT WON’T MAKE YOU HAPPY. I GAVE IT TO HIM BECAUSE HE NEEDS IT. YOU DON’T.

 

THAT’S ALL. NOW YOU CAN GO BACK TO RABBI SCHWARTZE’S STATUSES.”

 

You know, I never really did this status thing before Corona. I was happy just sending out a weekly E-Mail. But after a year and ten months on the couch. I really missed people. Someone told me that it seems that Orthodox Jews are for some reason into this little button on their WhatsApp’s apps that allows you to post little 30 second messages and updates about what you’re up to. For some reason this interests people. Goyim it seems have been doing this for a long time on Instagram, Facebook and other apps. But those never really took off in the frum or yeshivish world. But this status thing? It’s crazy. I recorded my first one about last January or so when tourists started coming back to Israel and I was all excited.

 

“Hey, everyone. It’s Rabbi Schwartz here. I’m so excited to be back touring again. I can’t wait to show you guys some amazing and cool things here in the Holy Land together with my tourists. Stick with me today and check it out!”

 

The next thing I knew there seems to be about 400-500 people every day that are saved in my contact list and I in theirs that seem to have nothing better to do when they’re sitting in the bathroom besides watch me tour Israel. I don’t know what people did in the bathroom beforehand. Old Readers Digests? Mishpacha Magazines? The truth is I really don’t have so much competition out there as all the other statuses I seem to see and look at just seem to be Charidy campaigns. Do people really donate to these things, while in the bathroom?

 

So there I am every day, out there exploring the holy land with my tourists and all the while posting my tours. Like my weekly E-Mails, my posts are way too long. Brevity was never one of my strong points. There’s just too much I want to say. Too much I want to show. To teach. To share with you guys. What can I do? Yet the feedback I have gotten has been unbelievable.

 

People message me daily and ask me about different sites. A woman called me up to tell me how each morning, she sits with her coffee and watches my statuses and feels like she’s in Israel. A lot of parents watch them with their kids and teach them about Eretz Yisrael. And my mother is always on telling me not to yell at my tourists too much and to be nicer to them, while Rivky, my sister is telling me to take the gum out of my mouth. That’s not even talking about the incredible marketing aspect of it, where many, many, of clients are people that have been referred to me from status-watchers whom I ‘ve never even toured before, but who feel they know me and have gotten enough of a taste of the “Rabbi Schwartz” touring experience from those million 30 second clips that they have consumed over the past few months.

 

For me though, it’s really more about just sharing Eretz Yisrael with Klal Yisrael. I’m kind of like that Bubby with the picture of their grandchildren that can’t stop pulling it out of their purse and showing them to anyone who might be interested. I feel blessed that I am able to live here and do what I do.  I want everyone to be as in love with this land that Hashem has promised us and gifted to us as I am. I want them to have that same passion and desire for Eretz Yisrael that all our ancestors had and that has tragically been stolen from us by our “frum” education systems that perhaps were once intimidated by the secular Zionist agenda and convinced themselves that the only place to raise children frum would be in the Lands that Hashem hadn’t promised or given us a mitzva to live in. They threw the baby out with the bathwater. They drowned them in the Nile of Boro Park. They haven’t realized that it’s not the 1950’s anymore and that you can have it all and more over here.

 

It’s what all of our Bubbies and Zaydies dreamed about being able to do. It’s what we can do and should do today. And thus I status to try to ignite that spark and memory and passion amongst my brothers and sisters who I want so badly to have and experience the blessed lives they can have here. They should be having here.

 

But it’s not really totally working. People are coming. Some. Other’s are touring. They’re dipping their feet in. They might make a call to Nefesh B’nefesh. But they’re not yet there. I opened up this week’s Torah portion and was struck that the first Rashi of this amazing parsha really starts with the same question that has been troubling me these past few months.

 

“Ma Shemuah Shamah U’Ba?- What did Yisro, Moshe’s father-in-law, hear, that made him come?”

 

  Yisro was the King of the world back in Midian. He had it all. What brought him to leave it all behind and throw his lot with the Jewish people? Rashi’s question, which is really just a quote from our sages in the Talmud, is a strange one. The Torah a few words later in our verse tells us that he heard all that Hashem had done to Moshe and Bnai Yisrael taking us out of Egypt. Yisro was a status watcher. He saw my statuses up above. He heard them. What’s bothering Rashi in that he feels he has to ask specifically what Yisro heard. The verse itself tells us. He heard Rabbi Schwartz’s Exodus statuses- as did the whole world.

 

The answer though is quite clear. Everyone heard it. Everyone watched the statuses. The whole world knew how amazing, glorious, and miraculous our departure from Egypt was. But that’s not enough, it seems to make people come. Nobody else came. They saw. They were awed. They were inspired. They watched those statuses and then they flushed, said asher yatzar and went back to work or to their daily chores in Midian, in Moav, in Egypt, in Lakewood, in Boca and Toronto. They didn’t pack their suitcases and become a part of the eternal destiny of our nation. What made him actually come, Rashi asks? What will it take? What does it take, to get people from being mere status-watchers to being partners with Hashem and His nation in our glorious destiny and country?

 

The answer of Rashi, seen in that light, is a scary one. There are two things. The first thing is that he saw the miracles of the splitting of the sea. He saw that the impossible happens when Hashem wants us to come home to the land of Israel. I showed my tourists the map of Egypt and Israel this week and pointed out that we really didn’t even have to cross the Red Sea to get here. In fact, many commentaries note that we crossed over and back again to get to the original side of the land route to Eretz Yisrael. The crossing was just for the miracle she’bo. It was just to teach us that Hashem will split oceans for us and nothing can stop us if we just jump in what looks like that raging scary sea to head over to come home.

Nothing can stop us. Don’t be scared. Stop davening for Mashiach so much and just pull out your drums, cymbals and guitars and start marching over singing my song the whole way. Yisro heard that. He didn’t just watch it on status. He heard and internalized that message, and he came.

 

The second thing that he heard though is scarier though. He heard about the war of Amalek. He realized that the Goyim are always going to come for us until we’re here. That Hashem had said this is an eternal battle and His name will not be complete and shine out to the world as long as Amalek still exists. It won’t happen until they are wiped off the face of the earth. And that will only happen only can happen when all of Klal Yisrael are in Eretz Yisrael. When we have a King. When we all hear, as Yisro did. When we move from becoming just a nation that said Na’aseh- we will do and we will fulfill the mitzvos of the Torah and its commandments, as we did in this week’s Torah portion. But also become a nation of Nishma- that hears and internalizes the message behind all of the mitzvos. It’s not just about good deeds. It’s not just about commandments and rules. It’s not just about learning Torah and Daf Yomi or chesed organizations and big shuls. It’s about bringing all of that to Eretz Yisrael, the only place Hashem’s light can shine out from and that we can truly destroy Amalek from.

 

According to some of our sages, Yisro’s coming in this week’s parsha is really out of order chronologically. He came after the Torah was given us. He came after we just said Na’aseh- that we were ready to do and keep the commandments. Yet the Va’Yishma- the hearing of Yisro is mentioned first because it needed to be added to our Na’aseh, in order to give us the full picture. To give us the shemuah- the status, message and inspiration that would make us come as he did. By Sinai we saw Hashem. We were in awe. We accepted it all. We knew and understood we didn’t have a choice. There was one God, it was clear and whatever He would tell us we would do and follow.

 

Yisro though saw and heard something else. V’atah te’chezeh- he tells Moshe. We need to see that we are a holy people that as well can create a system and a society of judges, of politicians, of holy bureaucracy in Eretz Yisrael. We are not just Hashem’s status watchers. We are the ones that should be making our own statuses that the whole world will watch. We’ll have WhatsApp groups of tens, of thousands, of tens of thousands with posts, with statuses, with the glory of Hashem, with the light of His land that our nation shines out. Then His name will be complete. Then Amalek will be obliterated.  

 

There are more and more every year and every month that are hearing that call. After the 6- Day War many heard the tremendous miracles that took place here, just as Yisro did after the splitting of the sea. Many hear the recent miracles, the inspiration of shemitta observers experience, the blessings and the rain and the call of Reb Chaim Kanievsky and other gedolim to move here. On the other hand others are hearing the battle cries of Amalek coming as well and sharpening their knives for us- frighteningly. They see antisemitism rising. They haven’t forgotten the nights of the broken glass not long ago. They had camp plays that taught them stories of the Spanish Inquisition, the Crusades and the pogroms and they realize that Amalek is never going to be destroyed and we were never meant to feel safe and certainly not comfortable until we come to the place where we can finally complete Hashem’s Name from. So they’re coming home. They’ve stopped watching statuses and started broadcasting their own on their Aliyah flights. They, like me, have become what a friend of mine likes to call a Statusover Rebbe. The Admor Mi’ Status.

 

It’s been over 3000 years since Hashem has posted His last Status from heaven to the entire world; since that day on the Mountain in Sinai. It’s time for His next post that He’s come home again. Let’s make it go viral. The way we can do that is by just asking ourselves one question. Whats Up? What and who is truly Up there and What does he want and is waiting for us to do? Enough with the achakeh lo- bichol yom she’yavo- the wait’s up. Its time to come.

 

Have a an ecstatic status worthy Shabbos,

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

************************

YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

 

“A kluger farshtait fun ain vort tsvai..- A wise man hears one word and understands two.

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

answer below at end of Email

10) In what year in the 19th century, a strong earthquake hit Safed?

An ammonite is a type of:

A) fossil

B) fertile soil

C) gas emitted from peatland

D) abrasion platform

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO OF THE WEEK

 

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/shiras-hayam-the-song-of-the-sea-vayosha –

My Shiras Ha’Yam song. If it sounds familiar to you, it’s because its most likely the tune we all sang when we left Mitzrayim and crossed the Sea.. I just remembered it 😊

 

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/torah-hakedosha   -In honor of Parshas  Matan Torah- My amazing inspiring beautiful composition Torah Ha’Kedosha

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njZBoFqZhoM   – Thousands of Holy Jewish children singing together Holy songs in a yeshivish KolUlom knockoff

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkIUOlbmu3g – I’m a mountain so very High… you remember this song…

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T63JsVsDJWY  – Avraham Fried and family Shabbos Song

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2LMLWn_7ok  - Simcha Leiner u”Vau Kulom- yeah!

 

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

 

The Shunamite- 704 BC Reb Chayim Kanievsky doesn’t advise many people to go daven anywhere besides in Shul. He wasn’t a fan of Uman or even Meron or Kever Rachel, a person should daven as close as he can be to start learning as soon as possible. Yet, there is one exception and that is when someone needed a special yeshuah he would send them to the Arab village of Sulam in the lower Galil. There he had a tradition from his father the Steipler was a special place known as the house of the Shunamite woman. Fascinating. This wasn’t a grave. It wasn’t the gateway to heaven like the Kotel. Yet it was the place where the miracle we are up to of Elisha and this woman who hosted him took place.

 

Elisha it seems, like his Rebbi, Eliyahu would travel around Israel and teach and rebuke the Jewish people and get them on the right path. Yet, when he came to Shunam this woman had built him a special room in the attic. She put a table, a chair, a lamp. It was his man cave. Cool! There’s nothing a Rabbi likes more than that. Elisha wanted to express his appreciation and asked her if there was anything he could do for her. He’s good with the King- with a capital “K’. Our sages tell us that this was Rosh Hashana when we anoint Hashem as our King. It was a day when anyone in their right mind would wish a prophet to implore to Hashem on their behalf. Yet, this holy woman gave an incredible response.

 

“B’toch ami ani yoshevet”- I don’t want to be singled out. I dwell amongst my people. The biggest segula one can have is that they are together with Klal Yisrael. We read this portion of the prophets each Rosh Hashana to remember this story. Geichazi, who we will talk about, Elisha’s servant and students tells Elisha that this woman was in fact childless. Not only that, but she was very old. According to some of our sages she was in fact the sister of Avishag Ha’Shunamite who kept King David warm at night at the end of his life would make her a few centuries old. Not really child-bearing age.

 

Elisha promises her that she will within a year be mechabek a child- she will be hugging a child. Some of our sages tell us that child would be the prophet Chabakuk because of that name. Others say it was none other than the prophet Yonah. The woman begs Elisha not to promise her something that is too far fetched. She was ready to accept Hashem’s will whatever it would be. She wasn’t running to Rebbes for brachos. Yet, Elisha tells her not to worry. All will be well. And sure enough a child is born.

Yet, the story doesn’t end there. Stay tuned next week.

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE STATUS JOKES OF THE WEEK

 

Berel wrote on his Whatsapp status:

"Last night by the Purim Seuda even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."

He got 400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend Yankel

"Where did you go in UBER? The seuda was in your house"

 

A WhatsApp blessing- May your life someday be as good as you make it out to be on Status.

 

What was Pharaoh’s status after the splitting of the sea? In De-Nile

Why did the electrician join Facebook? So he could post his current status.

 

Shani was taking her driver’s test.

"You've got to let people know where you're going!" said my driving instructor as we merged on to the expressway...

"OK!"  She replied and updated my WhatsApp status.

 

The greatest thing about Social Media is that you can quote something and totally make up the source. ~ Julius Caesar

 

My ex updated her status on Facebook to standing on the edge of a cliff.  So I poked her

 

Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Whatsapp statuses? That’s as crazy as the discounts at Moisha’s Kosher Grocery…

 

Bill Gates has now donated enough money to charity that he lost his billionaire status. He now goes by Mill Gates.

 

The Israelis are using a new type of rocket that constantly updates its WhatsApp status until it reaches its target. It's an attention-seeking missile.

 

Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

 Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral.  However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

 One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

 The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

 The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

 The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out as well.

 The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Navy Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.

 "Do you notice anything different about me?"

 To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir You wear contact lenses."

 The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.

 The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear."

 

An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men. She asked her guide why and he said, "Because they are considered of lesser status."

Outraged the journalist went home.

A year later she returned covering violence in the region and was surprised to see the women walking ten paces ahead. She turned to her guide and this time asked, "What has changed?"

The guide answered, "Land mines."

 

********************************

The answer to this week”s question is  A – This one was pretty easy. I tour Tzfat all the time and everyone should know the year was 1837. Although it is pretty freaky that this is the question of this week when this area seems to be getting lots of horrible earthquakes. Its crazy how many of these questions come out to coincide with current events. In regards to the 2^nd part of the question which is kind of strange as usually the part one and part 2 have some connection. Here they don’t The answer though is that the ammonite are fossils that pretty much date back to the period of the flood and that we find them in mitzpe Ramon all over a wall there. Maybe the connection is that the reason for the earthquake is the Syrian African rift which probably got formed around the time of the mabul if not by the Creation. Regardless I got this one right and the score is now 7.5 for Schwartz and 2.5 for Ministry of tourism on this exam so far…