Status Up-Date -Parshat Yisro 5783 2023

 

Insights and Inspiration

from the

Holy Land

from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

"Your friend in Karmiel"

February 10^th 2023 -Volume 12 Issue 17 19^th of Shevat 5783

 

Parshat Yisro

Status Up-date

 

 22^nd of Nissan 2448 from Creation  12:05 PM –

“Booooker Tov, everyone out there watching my status today. It’s your favorite tour guide/Rabbi standing right out here on the banks of the Red Sea. The Egyptians are breathing down our neck, but I think we are in for amazing, cool miracles coming up. Moshe Rabbeinu told us to stop davening and to start marching forward. That’s a new one for him. Most of my Rebbeim  would always scold me when I would start walking around during davening. But hey, Moshe’s the boss and he hasn’t led us wrong until now. So off we go. I could use a nice dip in the Red Sea, so why not?”

 

12:15 PM

OMG this is pretty amazing. The sea just split. It’s glorious. 12 paths for each tribe, hanging fruits and refreshments along the way. This is awesome. All of a sudden, I just heard some drums beating. What is that? It sounds familiar this tune. I can’t believe this. The whole Klal Yisrael is singing my tune for Shiras Ha’Yam. ‘Az Yashee’er Mosheh… Az Yasheer Mo’oshe, Moshe! Az Yashshe’er Moshe.. U’vnei Yisrael es Ha’shira Hazos La’Hashem”

 

4:00 PM

“Cool! We made it to the other side and you’re not gonna believe this folks… The Egyptians thought they could join this party and they were very very wrong. There come the waves crashing down upon them. They are getting tossed and turn and chucked up and down like that French Fry guy by the tachana merkazit that tosses the French fries out of the frying pan to get out all of the oil and mix in the salt. Up and down and up down. This is so cool. So amazing. No more Egypt. No more Nazi’s. Take that you filthy slime bags. Don’t mess with Hashem’s favorite nations.”

 

15^th of Iyar 2448 10:08 AM

“Ok, Boker Tov again. It’s a few days later. And you know I like to status every day, but it’s been kind of crazy here. First of all, we ran out of water. But once again it was no problem. Moshe threw a stick in the river and poof it was like the sweetest water you could ever imagine. Delicious. Next, we ran out of food. And to be honest I was getting a bit sick of those left-over Matzos from Egypt already and what do you know? It seems Moshe is a really good tour guide. He knows where the best Mehadrin restaurants are. We woke up in the morning and we had this delicious white wafer like thing that was sitting on our front porch. At first, I was a bit skeptical, but it was awesome. Tasted like Manna from heaven. Oh yeah, that’s what it was. Whatever flavor I imagined it tasted like. For breakfast I made it taste like those over-stuffed bagels and lox sandwiches from that place on Ave J. (Bagel Hole?), For lunch it was of course Pizza Time. Dinner was the best, as it was the Ephraim Schwartz special from Essen; a nice slide of Sino steak with kishka swimming like an Egyptian in that gravy on the side and of course refills on those pickles and juicy sweet cole slaw. And all in a little wafer which is about the size my new improved stomach could handle. I am so in heaven… Who needs Brooklyn when you can get all of that stuff here in the camp of Hashem?”

 

12:47 PM

“Oops. I’m sorry. I got so caught up in the food thing, that I forgot to tell you about that crazy battle that we had along the way. You figure that the whole world would be pretty freaked out about us by now after the whole Egypt thing. But you know what? There were these losers from the South called Amalekites and they decided to come and attack us. They seemed pretty scary at first. And it especially got nerve-wracking when Moshe and Aharon disappeared and left us with General Yehoshua down below. But you know what? It was the coolest thing. We looked up to the mountain and we saw Moshe with his hands held up and we knew that we had nothing to fear. Those uplifted hands pointing to Hashem reminded us that we really have nothing to fear. The Master of the Universe is on our side. He can handle these pathetic losers attacking us, No Problemo. It’s all you need in life, boys and girls. A little faith. A little knowledge of how much He loves us and takes care of us. That He is always our Father holding us on His back and He won’t let anyone hurt us if we just call out to Him and remind ourselves of all of that. It’s good to be the sons of the King.”

 

6^th of Sivan 2448 12:00 PM

“HEY WORLD! THIS IS HASHEM STATUSING RIGHT NOW. I”VE TAKEN OVER RABBI SCHWARTZE’S WHATSAPP STATUS RIGHT NOW AND IN FACT EVERYONE’S STATUS SO YOU WILL NOT GET DISTRACTED AS I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT UPDATE THAT YOU NEED TO HEAR. IT’S A ONCE IN AN ETERNITY TYPE OF REVELATION. I’M SPEAKING REALLY TO THE JEWISH PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN CAMPING HERE FOR A FEW DAYS BY THIS MOUNTAIN OF MINE, BUT I WANT ALL OF YOU TO HEAR ME AND UNDERSTAND.

 

 I AM THE LORD THAT TOOK THEM OUT OF EGYPT.

 

THEY SHALL NOT HAVE ANY OTHER GODS BESIDES. THEY SHOULDN’T BOW OR SERVE THEM. I’M A BIT JEAOLOUS OF THAT AND YOU REALLY DON’T WANT TO MESS WITH ME.

 

DON’T STAM USE MY NAME IN VAIN. IT’S A BAD THING, JUST CALL ME HASHEM AND THAT’S GOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

 

KEEP THE SHABBOS, MAKE KIDDUSH EAT CHULENT, RELAX, CHILL AND STOP BEING BUSY. REMEMBER I CREATED THE WORLD AND AM IN CONTROL OF EVERYTHING. YOU CAN RELAX. ENJOY. IT’S A GOOD THING.

 

HONOR YOUR PARENTS. IT’S A BIG SEGULA FOR ARICHUS YAMIM AND NOT JUST FOR LONG LIFE BUT LONG LIFE IN THE LAND OF ISRAEL. THAT’S REALLY WHERE IT ALL COUNTS ANYWAYS.

 

HERE’S A SHORT LIST OF BAD THINGS I REALLY DON’T WANT YOU TO DO.

DON’T KILL ANYONE- NOT FOR REAL, NOT FOR FAKE, NOT BY EMBARASSING THEM OR EVEN BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU’RE HOLY ENOUGH TO DO THAT AND THEY’RE REALLY BAD.

 

DON’T MESS AROUND WITH AND DO IMMODEST THINGS WITH PEOPLE YOU’RE NOT MARRIED TO. A HAPPY WIFE AND HUSBAND ARE THE ONLY TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS THAT WILL ULTIMATELY BRING YOU A GOOD LIFE. AND SO DON’T BE BUSY SURFING THE INTERNET OR WATCHING THINGS THAT WILL JUST LEAD YOU DOWN A BAD PATH AS WELL. IT’S JUST NOT GOOD.

 

DON’T STEAL. NOT FROM ANOTHER JEW, NOT FROM A GOY. NOT FROM THE GOVERNMENT. NOT FROM ANYONE. JUST DON’T TAKE THINGS THAT ARE NOT YOURS. AM I CLEAR? I TOLD YOU, I HAVE YOU COVERED. YOU’RE NOT GONNA GET ANY RICHER BY BREAKING THE LAW AND TAKING THINGS THAT DON’T BELONG TO YOU.

 

DON’T LIE. NOT IN COURT, NOT TO THE POLICE OFFICER THAT PULLS YOU OVER. NOT TO YOUR PARENTS, YOUR TEACHERS, AND CERTAINLY NOT TO YOUR RABBIS. TELL THE TRUTH.

 

FINALLY LAST BUT NOT LEAST. DON’T BE JEALOUS OF OTHER PEOPLES STUFF. I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED. IF I DIDN’T GIVE IT TO YOU, YOU DON’T NEED IT. IT WON’T MAKE YOU HAPPY. I GAVE IT TO HIM BECAUSE HE NEEDS IT. YOU DON’T.

 

THAT’S ALL. NOW YOU CAN GO BACK TO RABBI SCHWARTZE’S STATUSES.”

 

You know, I never really did this status thing before Corona. I was happy just sending out a weekly E-Mail. But after a year and ten months on the couch. I really missed people. Someone told me that it seems that Orthodox Jews are for some reason into this little button on their WhatsApp’s apps that allows you to post little 30 second messages and updates about what you’re up to. For some reason this interests people. Goyim it seems have been doing this for a long time on Instagram, Facebook and other apps. But those never really took off in the frum or yeshivish world. But this status thing? It’s crazy. I recorded my first one about last January or so when tourists started coming back to Israel and I was all excited.

 

“Hey, everyone. It’s Rabbi Schwartz here. I’m so excited to be back touring again. I can’t wait to show you guys some amazing and cool things here in the Holy Land together with my tourists. Stick with me today and check it out!”

 

The next thing I knew there seems to be about 400-500 people every day that are saved in my contact list and I in theirs that seem to have nothing better to do when they’re sitting in the bathroom besides watch me tour Israel. I don’t know what people did in the bathroom beforehand. Old Readers Digests? Mishpacha Magazines? The truth is I really don’t have so much competition out there as all the other statuses I seem to see and look at just seem to be Charidy campaigns. Do people really donate to these things, while in the bathroom?

 

So there I am every day, out there exploring the holy land with my tourists and all the while posting my tours. Like my weekly E-Mails, my posts are way too long. Brevity was never one of my strong points. There’s just too much I want to say. Too much I want to show. To teach. To share with you guys. What can I do? Yet the feedback I have gotten has been unbelievable.

 

People message me daily and ask me about different sites. A woman called me up to tell me how each morning, she sits with her coffee and watches my statuses and feels like she’s in Israel. A lot of parents watch them with their kids and teach them about Eretz Yisrael. And my mother is always on telling me not to yell at my tourists too much and to be nicer to them, while Rivky, my sister is telling me to take the gum out of my mouth. That’s not even talking about the incredible marketing aspect of it, where many, many, of clients are people that have been referred to me from status-watchers whom I ‘ve never even toured before, but who feel they know me and have gotten enough of a taste of the “Rabbi Schwartz” touring experience from those million 30 second clips that they have consumed over the past few months.

 

For me though, it’s really more about just sharing Eretz Yisrael with Klal Yisrael. I’m kind of like that Bubby with the picture of their grandchildren that can’t stop pulling it out of their purse and showing them to anyone who might be interested. I feel blessed that I am able to live here and do what I do.  I want everyone to be as in love with this land that Hashem has promised us and gifted to us as I am. I want them to have that same passion and desire for Eretz Yisrael that all our ancestors had and that has tragically been stolen from us by our “frum” education systems that perhaps were once intimidated by the secular Zionist agenda and convinced themselves that the only place to raise children frum would be in the Lands that Hashem hadn’t promised or given us a mitzva to live in. They threw the baby out with the bathwater. They drowned them in the Nile of Boro Park. They haven’t realized that it’s not the 1950’s anymore and that you can have it all and more over here.

 

It’s what all of our Bubbies and Zaydies dreamed about being able to do. It’s what we can do and should do today. And thus I status to try to ignite that spark and memory and passion amongst my brothers and sisters who I want so badly to have and experience the blessed lives they can have here. They should be having here.

 

But it’s not really totally working. People are coming. Some. Other’s are touring. They’re dipping their feet in. They might make a call to Nefesh B’nefesh. But they’re not yet there. I opened up this week’s Torah portion and was struck that the first Rashi of this amazing parsha really starts with the same question that has been troubling me these past few months.

 

“Ma Shemuah Shamah U’Ba?- What did Yisro, Moshe’s father-in-law, hear, that made him come?”

 

  Yisro was the King of the world back in Midian. He had it all. What brought him to leave it all behind and throw his lot with the Jewish people? Rashi’s question, which is really just a quote from our sages in the Talmud, is a strange one. The Torah a few words later in our verse tells us that he heard all that Hashem had done to Moshe and Bnai Yisrael taking us out of Egypt. Yisro was a status watcher. He saw my statuses up above. He heard them. What’s bothering Rashi in that he feels he has to ask specifically what Yisro heard. The verse itself tells us. He heard Rabbi Schwartz’s Exodus statuses- as did the whole world.

 

The answer though is quite clear. Everyone heard it. Everyone watched the statuses. The whole world knew how amazing, glorious, and miraculous our departure from Egypt was. But that’s not enough, it seems to make people come. Nobody else came. They saw. They were awed. They were inspired. They watched those statuses and then they flushed, said asher yatzar and went back to work or to their daily chores in Midian, in Moav, in Egypt, in Lakewood, in Boca and Toronto. They didn’t pack their suitcases and become a part of the eternal destiny of our nation. What made him actually come, Rashi asks? What will it take? What does it take, to get people from being mere status-watchers to being partners with Hashem and His nation in our glorious destiny and country?

 

The answer of Rashi, seen in that light, is a scary one. There are two things. The first thing is that he saw the miracles of the splitting of the sea. He saw that the impossible happens when Hashem wants us to come home to the land of Israel. I showed my tourists the map of Egypt and Israel this week and pointed out that we really didn’t even have to cross the Red Sea to get here. In fact, many commentaries note that we crossed over and back again to get to the original side of the land route to Eretz Yisrael. The crossing was just for the miracle she’bo. It was just to teach us that Hashem will split oceans for us and nothing can stop us if we just jump in what looks like that raging scary sea to head over to come home.

Nothing can stop us. Don’t be scared. Stop davening for Mashiach so much and just pull out your drums, cymbals and guitars and start marching over singing my song the whole way. Yisro heard that. He didn’t just watch it on status. He heard and internalized that message, and he came.

 

The second thing that he heard though is scarier though. He heard about the war of Amalek. He realized that the Goyim are always going to come for us until we’re here. That Hashem had said this is an eternal battle and His name will not be complete and shine out to the world as long as Amalek still exists. It won’t happen until they are wiped off the face of the earth. And that will only happen only can happen when all of Klal Yisrael are in Eretz Yisrael. When we have a King. When we all hear, as Yisro did. When we move from becoming just a nation that said Na’aseh- we will do and we will fulfill the mitzvos of the Torah and its commandments, as we did in this week’s Torah portion. But also become a nation of Nishma- that hears and internalizes the message behind all of the mitzvos. It’s not just about good deeds. It’s not just about commandments and rules. It’s not just about learning Torah and Daf Yomi or chesed organizations and big shuls. It’s about bringing all of that to Eretz Yisrael, the only place Hashem’s light can shine out from and that we can truly destroy Amalek from.

 

According to some of our sages, Yisro’s coming in this week’s parsha is really out of order chronologically. He came after the Torah was given us. He came after we just said Na’aseh- that we were ready to do and keep the commandments. Yet the Va’Yishma- the hearing of Yisro is mentioned first because it needed to be added to our Na’aseh, in order to give us the full picture. To give us the shemuah- the status, message and inspiration that would make us come as he did. By Sinai we saw Hashem. We were in awe. We accepted it all. We knew and understood we didn’t have a choice. There was one God, it was clear and whatever He would tell us we would do and follow.

 

Yisro though saw and heard something else. V’atah te’chezeh- he tells Moshe. We need to see that we are a holy people that as well can create a system and a society of judges, of politicians, of holy bureaucracy in Eretz Yisrael. We are not just Hashem’s status watchers. We are the ones that should be making our own statuses that the whole world will watch. We’ll have WhatsApp groups of tens, of thousands, of tens of thousands with posts, with statuses, with the glory of Hashem, with the light of His land that our nation shines out. Then His name will be complete. Then Amalek will be obliterated.  

 

There are more and more every year and every month that are hearing that call. After the 6- Day War many heard the tremendous miracles that took place here, just as Yisro did after the splitting of the sea. Many hear the recent miracles, the inspiration of shemitta observers experience, the blessings and the rain and the call of Reb Chaim Kanievsky and other gedolim to move here. On the other hand others are hearing the battle cries of Amalek coming as well and sharpening their knives for us- frighteningly. They see antisemitism rising. They haven’t forgotten the nights of the broken glass not long ago. They had camp plays that taught them stories of the Spanish Inquisition, the Crusades and the pogroms and they realize that Amalek is never going to be destroyed and we were never meant to feel safe and certainly not comfortable until we come to the place where we can finally complete Hashem’s Name from. So they’re coming home. They’ve stopped watching statuses and started broadcasting their own on their Aliyah flights. They, like me, have become what a friend of mine likes to call a Statusover Rebbe. The Admor Mi’ Status.

 

It’s been over 3000 years since Hashem has posted His last Status from heaven to the entire world; since that day on the Mountain in Sinai. It’s time for His next post that He’s come home again. Let’s make it go viral. The way we can do that is by just asking ourselves one question. Whats Up? What and who is truly Up there and What does he want and is waiting for us to do? Enough with the achakeh lo- bichol yom she’yavo- the wait’s up. Its time to come.

 

Have a an ecstatic status worthy Shabbos,

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

************************

YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

 

“A kluger farshtait fun ain vort tsvai..- A wise man hears one word and understands two.

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

answer below at end of Email

10) In what year in the 19th century, a strong earthquake hit Safed?

An ammonite is a type of:

A) fossil

B) fertile soil

C) gas emitted from peatland

D) abrasion platform

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO OF THE WEEK

 

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/shiras-hayam-the-song-of-the-sea-vayosha –

My Shiras Ha’Yam song. If it sounds familiar to you, it’s because its most likely the tune we all sang when we left Mitzrayim and crossed the Sea.. I just remembered it 😊

 

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/torah-hakedosha   -In honor of Parshas  Matan Torah- My amazing inspiring beautiful composition Torah Ha’Kedosha

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njZBoFqZhoM   – Thousands of Holy Jewish children singing together Holy songs in a yeshivish KolUlom knockoff

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkIUOlbmu3g – I’m a mountain so very High… you remember this song…

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T63JsVsDJWY  – Avraham Fried and family Shabbos Song

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2LMLWn_7ok  - Simcha Leiner u”Vau Kulom- yeah!

 

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

 

The Shunamite- 704 BC Reb Chayim Kanievsky doesn’t advise many people to go daven anywhere besides in Shul. He wasn’t a fan of Uman or even Meron or Kever Rachel, a person should daven as close as he can be to start learning as soon as possible. Yet, there is one exception and that is when someone needed a special yeshuah he would send them to the Arab village of Sulam in the lower Galil. There he had a tradition from his father the Steipler was a special place known as the house of the Shunamite woman. Fascinating. This wasn’t a grave. It wasn’t the gateway to heaven like the Kotel. Yet it was the place where the miracle we are up to of Elisha and this woman who hosted him took place.

 

Elisha it seems, like his Rebbi, Eliyahu would travel around Israel and teach and rebuke the Jewish people and get them on the right path. Yet, when he came to Shunam this woman had built him a special room in the attic. She put a table, a chair, a lamp. It was his man cave. Cool! There’s nothing a Rabbi likes more than that. Elisha wanted to express his appreciation and asked her if there was anything he could do for her. He’s good with the King- with a capital “K’. Our sages tell us that this was Rosh Hashana when we anoint Hashem as our King. It was a day when anyone in their right mind would wish a prophet to implore to Hashem on their behalf. Yet, this holy woman gave an incredible response.

 

“B’toch ami ani yoshevet”- I don’t want to be singled out. I dwell amongst my people. The biggest segula one can have is that they are together with Klal Yisrael. We read this portion of the prophets each Rosh Hashana to remember this story. Geichazi, who we will talk about, Elisha’s servant and students tells Elisha that this woman was in fact childless. Not only that, but she was very old. According to some of our sages she was in fact the sister of Avishag Ha’Shunamite who kept King David warm at night at the end of his life would make her a few centuries old. Not really child-bearing age.

 

Elisha promises her that she will within a year be mechabek a child- she will be hugging a child. Some of our sages tell us that child would be the prophet Chabakuk because of that name. Others say it was none other than the prophet Yonah. The woman begs Elisha not to promise her something that is too far fetched. She was ready to accept Hashem’s will whatever it would be. She wasn’t running to Rebbes for brachos. Yet, Elisha tells her not to worry. All will be well. And sure enough a child is born.

Yet, the story doesn’t end there. Stay tuned next week.

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE STATUS JOKES OF THE WEEK

 

Berel wrote on his Whatsapp status:

"Last night by the Purim Seuda even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."

He got 400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend Yankel

"Where did you go in UBER? The seuda was in your house"

 

A WhatsApp blessing- May your life someday be as good as you make it out to be on Status.

 

What was Pharaoh’s status after the splitting of the sea? In De-Nile

Why did the electrician join Facebook? So he could post his current status.

 

Shani was taking her driver’s test.

"You've got to let people know where you're going!" said my driving instructor as we merged on to the expressway...

"OK!"  She replied and updated my WhatsApp status.

 

The greatest thing about Social Media is that you can quote something and totally make up the source. ~ Julius Caesar

 

My ex updated her status on Facebook to standing on the edge of a cliff.  So I poked her

 

Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Whatsapp statuses? That’s as crazy as the discounts at Moisha’s Kosher Grocery…

 

Bill Gates has now donated enough money to charity that he lost his billionaire status. He now goes by Mill Gates.

 

The Israelis are using a new type of rocket that constantly updates its WhatsApp status until it reaches its target. It's an attention-seeking missile.

 

Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

 Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral.  However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

 One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

 The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

 The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

 The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out as well.

 The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Navy Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.

 "Do you notice anything different about me?"

 To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir You wear contact lenses."

 The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.

 The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear."

 

An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men. She asked her guide why and he said, "Because they are considered of lesser status."

Outraged the journalist went home.

A year later she returned covering violence in the region and was surprised to see the women walking ten paces ahead. She turned to her guide and this time asked, "What has changed?"

The guide answered, "Land mines."

 

********************************

The answer to this week”s question is  A – This one was pretty easy. I tour Tzfat all the time and everyone should know the year was 1837. Although it is pretty freaky that this is the question of this week when this area seems to be getting lots of horrible earthquakes. Its crazy how many of these questions come out to coincide with current events. In regards to the 2^nd part of the question which is kind of strange as usually the part one and part 2 have some connection. Here they don’t The answer though is that the ammonite are fossils that pretty much date back to the period of the flood and that we find them in mitzpe Ramon all over a wall there. Maybe the connection is that the reason for the earthquake is the Syrian African rift which probably got formed around the time of the mabul if not by the Creation. Regardless I got this one right and the score is now 7.5 for Schwartz and 2.5 for Ministry of tourism on this exam so far…

Dear Hashem- Parshat Bamidbar / Shavuot Edition- 2021 /5781

 

Insights and Inspiration

from the

Holy Land

from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

 "Your friend in Karmiel"

May 14^th 2021 -Volume 11 Issue 31 3^rd Sivan 5781

 

Parshat Bamidbar / Shavuos

Dear Hashem

Dear Hashem,

Happy Anniversary! It's been a long 3,333 years since we tied the knot, although I guess 3,333 years is long for anything. But I remember that day like it was yesterday. You pretty much made it quite unforgettable. You have to admit that the burning mountain, thunder and lightning and shofar blowing was a little bit over the top. Thinking about it though, "over the top" is quite the right metaphor to use as You literally held that mountain on top of our heads. When I say literally by the way, I don't mean it like my daughters do when they literally say 'literally' about everything that is actually not literal. I do literally mean literally. The Torah tells us that we stood b'tachtis ha'har- at the bottom of the Mountain, and Chazal tell us that You held the mountain over our head and pretty much threatened to squash us there if we didn't go along with the planned nuptials. Talk about positive reinforcement…No… we're not forgetting that great wedding day anytime soon.

I guess we should've known already from back then that You were pretty serious about our relationship. You wanted the world from us. You expected us to achieve the greatest heights. As the One that created the entire world, it's kind of understandable that You expected Your Bashert to share that same world-creating-role with You. But hey, we were game. We were all in. It wasn't just that we owed you that much; taking us out of Egypt, splitting the sea and pretty much taking care of us. Although that definitely was a heck of a courtship- or heaven of a courtship is probably more precise. But it wasn't just that.

We knew how special You were. Our Patriarchs and Matriarchs, Avraham and Sara, Yitzchak and Rivka and Yaakov and Rachel and Leah couldn't stop talking about You. How kind You were, how great You are and truth be told how holy and inspirational a life with You would be. As well, to be entirely honest- which after 3333 years together is really the only way we should communicate-the competition out there wasn't too great. It was pretty much a shidduch crisis in the god market, when it came to God shopping. What were we gonna do hook up with some silly little stone idols? I've seen some of them hanging out in the Israel museum and let me assure You that You've got nothing to worry about. So we were in without any need for any special scary mountain over our head things. I do admit it was pretty cool nonetheless. But not nearly as cool as actually hearing Your voice on that special day. Do You remember?

:"I am Hashem your God who took you out of the land of Egypt from the house of Slaves."

It was like so biblical when You said that to us. So formal. So official. I remember thinking, like duhhhh… well then who did You think I thought you were? Charlton Heston or something…? We knew it was You. We had been talking to You for years. We knew that it was You that took us out. I mean nobody else could've pulled off those awesome plagues like You can. They pretty much had Your Name all over that one. But that was always Your way. You like to make a big show. You like to make things formal. I guess it's probably because you figured You don't really come out too often, so the times that You do You really want to make sure they count and that we get it. Well we did and we still do.

I guess You have to admit that after 3,333 You didn't do that bad for Yourself. I mean think about it, really. 3,333 years ago You told us on a mountain that You wanted us to observe Shabbos and then You pretty much disappeared. Poof. Gone. See ya later… And guess what? We're still keeping Shabbos! We're still putting on Tefillin! We're still learning and reading those holy words You told us on that Mountain on our wedding day. And yes, we're still celebrating our anniversary every year on Shavuos. You gotta admit that even when Moshe Rabbeinu, that shadchan of ours, told You that we were a stubborn stiff-necked nation, even You never dreamed that would mean that over three thousand years later we would still be lighting Shabbos candles, still be singing Ani Maamin, still be closing our eyes every time we hear a siren and hoping it was a shofar and that You were coming home. That's not just stiff necked, that's a nation wearing an irrevocable yoke. No ergonomic chair is going to get out that kink. You wanted a spouse that was in for the long haul, for better and for worse, in good times and bad times. Well it certainly seems You got Your money's worth with us.

But once we're on the subject… About those bad times. To quote my children… "I mean, really???"  What is going on? How do You come up with this stuff? Destruction of Temples, selling us into slavery, genocide, torture, inquisitions, crusades, ghettos, gas chambers? And where did You find these clowns? Haman, Hitler, Torquemada, Stalin, and all the Achmad and Yasser whatsissfaces that terrorize Israel? Don't think we don't know that You're behind all of these "messengers". I mean it's pretty obvious that every single one of them and those countries that have persecuted and abused us should be kissing our feet for the blessing, light and loyalty we have shown them. Obviously "Someone" was messing with their brains…Someone was trying to scream at us and tell us something…but frankly like those that love me tell me, it's kind of hard to hear when you're being screamed at… forget about being tortured and have missiles shot down at you. And a little secret from experience… screaming even louder doesn't help either.

See, the problem we have is not really a hearing problem. We've been hearing You since we first met You. It was our second word to You. Na'aseh V'Nishma- remember? Our problem is really that it's just been a really really long time since we've seen You. Yeah, I know we talk at least three times a day. I know You pay all my bills, take care of my health and that You're Zoom-ing in on all of our simchas and lifecycle events. But c'mon Man, absentee fathers and husbands do that as well.  (I can get away with calling You that, after all it says in Your Torah that Hashem ish milchama). That's not good enough anymore.

What we need is that for You to come home. We need you to stop this cold war already that's been going on for 2000 years since we last saw You. It's time already. We're more than ready and have been so for a while. Almost half of us are already here in Your land and getting it ready for You. We're planting. We're growing. We're building. We're learning. We're davening, singing and doing teshuva.

Even those of us that are not yet here, You know that they want to be. You proved that when You shut those skies for a year and everyone is clamoring to get in. To leave their countries of refuge where it is becoming more and more apparent daily that they never had a future there. It was never really their home. They as well say L'Shana Ha'ba b'yerushalyim and lately they've been saying it with more and more kavana.

So what do You say? How about a big anniversary present for us to celebrate together with? This week's Torah portion is Bamidbar. We read it every year the Shabbos before our Shavuot anniversary. It's our aufruf parsha every year. How about throwing candies at us instead of missiles this year when we get called up to the Torah? How about when we read this parsha that tells us all about the love You have for every Jew as You count them; the parsha that teaches how we each have a special place around Your Mishkan- that You even have a flag with our names on it. How about You make this the week the one that You come back home again?

We've counted 47 days already. We've been counting them for 3333 years. We know You've been counting as well. You've counted our tears, our blood, our mitzvos, our words of Torah, our footsteps coming closer and closer to You. Isn't it time we finally end the count and arrive at our destination. At our home. Yerushalayim ha'benuya…We need You so much. We love You so much. Please make 5781 the year when we finally have a Happy Anniversary.

Love,

Your people Israel  

 Have a sublime Shabbos and a delightfully Happy (and peaceful) Shavuos

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

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 RABBI SCHWARTZ’S FAVORITE YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

"Noch di chupeh iz shpet di charoteh" – After the wedding it’s too late to have regrets.

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

answer below at end of Email

28) The term “taryag” in Judaism is related to:

A) Genesis

B) The year in which the disciples of the Gaon of Vilna made aliyah

C) Riots against the Jews in the Roman period

D) Mitzvot

 RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO  OF THE WEEK

 https://youtu.be/xOBJFQBY1qk   – Yaakov Shwekey's latest song in memory of Meron 45 Keli lama azavtani

https://youtu.be/ve3a2U4OVU0    – Mamash can't stop laughing OORAH prize winner breaking teeth on Hebrew

 

https://youtu.be/8-eM3jecbDU - I seriously cannot get enough of this new song by Hanan Ben Ari- Cholem K'Mo Yosef, Incredible lyrics and song…

 

https://youtu.be/RGVI1b-sCTw?list=RDRGVI1b-sCTw     – And here's the same song in concert in Tel Aviv… awesome…

 

https://youtu.be/b9MsGxQRvQU  -Shlomo Katz Everlasting love is the song I keep humming to myself again and again all week…

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S PARSHA/ ERETZ YISRAEL CONNECTION OF THE WEEK

 

Our Flag – Parshat Bamidbar/ Shavuot- Does the red, white and blue do anything for you? (Hey, that rhymes!), How about you Canadians, South Africans, English or my readers from other countries (yes, this is an international E-Mail!), does seeing your countries flag unfurled flapping in the wind do anything for you? I readily admit that when I was in America it did for me. But I was stupid. As stupid as those Jews that were patriotic Germans, Austrians, or Poles and that would get teary eyed when they saw their flags and pledged their loyalty to them. We're in exile. It's not our home of the brave, despite the nice treatment and freedoms we may experience there and we need to have gratitude for. But that feeling shouldn't give us a sense of allegiance and emotional connection to a country that is not meant to be ours. There is only one place in the world where the flag should mean something to us and that is in Eretz Yisrael. It's the only land in the world that we should get emotional about.

 Flags are important. They are holy, they are spiritual and the Torah tells us that they are in fact essential to us as a nation. We learned that lesson on Shavuot as we stood on Mt. Sinai and we saw the heavens and the armies of angels dancing around the heavenly throne each of them with flags. We wanted that as well. We wanted to have something that we could wave and that would wave above us that unites us all and that would emote that special connection we each have under that flag before Hashem. Hashem swore, the midrash tells us that we would as well have our own flag. This week's parsha tells us of the flags of each tribe and how they were placed around the Mishkan where they camped.  It is those flags that King Solomon writes

Shir Hashirim- v'diglo alai ahava-  and His flag upon us is love.

 If there is perhaps one ritual symbol of Hashem's love for his people it is our talis that we are command to wear. Hashem tells us that it reminds of us all of the Mitzvos, of that moment on Sinai when we heard and accepted them all. It also reminds us of our Exodus when we left Egypt. Its colors Blue and White. Techelet and Lavan as well are meant to remind us of the heavens and the throne of Hashem we saw. When Theodore Herzl was asked what the flag Israel should be. He immediately noted that our symbol was this Talis. Even A Jew as far from Torah and Mitzvos as Theodore Herzl, who at one point thought the solution to anti-semitism was conversion to Christianity before coming up with Zionism, recognized that the Talis says it all.

 Herzl though wanted to place in the middle 7 stars representing 7 hours of a daily work day. It seems though he lost when the Magen David which was a Jewish symbol for centuries won the fight to become the symbol on the flag. The Magen David has 6 corners to it but the seventh is the middle. It's Shabbos which Hashem tells us is the sign between Him and us. That is the center of our lives. It is the flag we wave for him each Shabbos. It is the flag we wave each morning when we put on our talis.

 Whether you approve of the State of Israel and its flag or you don't. We can all agree that our "flags" of Shabbos, the 613 mitzvos symbolized in the talis tzitizis and Eretz Yisrael are all at the center of our lives. They need a flag. They need to be something that we wave high above our heads and that unite us. It's the first flag we saw as a nation as we saw our Creator, and it will always remind us Who is the only one and where is the only place that we want to pledge allegiance to Him from.

 RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

Amnon and Tamar- 865 BC – With the loss of his first son Dovid was blessed with another son from Batsheva. This son which Tanach tells is Yedidya, who Chazal tell us was Shlomo. Yet this good news and the future of Dovid's eternal line coming to the world as well paved the way for the further punishments and troubles that would ensue and plague Dovid's life for the sin of Batsheva. The prophet told him that he would pay fourfold for his sin. The first was the loss of his child. The next will be the horrific saga of his eldest son Amnon and his "sister" Tamar.

 Now, I put the word "sister" in quotation marks as it is not clear if and how the two were related. On the one hand we know that she and her brother of Avshalom were from Dovid's wife Ma'acha who was the daughter of the non-jewish king of Geshur. The biblical area of Geshur is on the Eastern side of the Kinneret in the Lower Golan Heights. What todays is the hikes and beaches of Tel Beit Tzaida, Madrassa, Ein Gev, Tel Soreg and even as far East and up as Chispin today are remains of the Geshurite empire, that the Navi tells us was never conquered by the Jews and remained under Geshurite control. Dovid had married the King's daughter and the question was if he had first taken her during war as a yefat to'ar- a woman captured during war who the Torah allows one to take perhaps even one time as a gentile, a concession to the Yetzer Hara in the heat of battle, before converting and marrying her.

If that was the case, then Tamar who was born of that union would have had to undergo a conversion as well if she was born prior to the conversion. Alternatively, according to the opinion that a yefat to'ar is not permitted prior to conversion than Tamar wasn't Dovid's daughter at all, rather he just raised her. The third possibility is that she was fully Dovid's daughter but was still only a half-sister to Amnon whose mother was Achinoam. I know this sounds complicated, but each of the sages have different understandings into the degree of the sin of Amnon. Was she his half-sister only through conversion whereas she wouldn't technically be prohibited to him, as converts are permitted to marry siblings, was she not even his half-sister at all Dovid merely adopted her, or finally was she really his full-half-sister, Dovid having fathered her after conversion.

Regardless Amnon lusted after her. Yet, there's a far distance between one's fantasy and desires and actions. The problem was he shared his thoughts with his cousin, Yonadav, the son of Dovid's brother Shama'ah. That's where the problems start. Yonadav encourages Amnon to act upon his desires. He tells him to feign sickness and convince Dovid to have Tamar bring him some breakfast in bed. Dovid, not suspecting anything and particularly as we shall start to see it seems that Dovid has a very soft space for his children and cracking down upon them, allows this to happen. When Tamar comes in, Amnon sends everyone out of the room. This is not a good thing. In fact, it is from this story that the prohibition of a man with a single woman-which until this time was permitted, was enacted. Ammnon then grabs her and despite here protestations takes advantage of her.

To make matters even worse- as it it wasn't bad enough. Right after the Navi tells us Amnon was disgusted with her and sent her away. Our sages tell us that this teaches us that any "love" that is dependent upon something, once you get that thing the love will go away. This is as opposed to unconditional love which lasts forever. It is for this reason perhaps that the Torah obligates that one who takes advantage forcefully of a single girl is obligated to marry her and in fact can never divorce her. (Obviously if she wishes- her reason to want this is because seemingly it would be very difficult for her to find another spouse after such a calamity). The Torah recognizes that the man would feel no compelling reason to stay and fulfill his obligations to this girl after and thus forces him to marry her. And trust me I'm sure she will make him pay.

Incidentally, relating this column to the upcoming holiday of Shavuot. It is for this reason our sages say that Hashem "forced" us to take the Torah by holding the mountain over our head. Because if we had just left it as a "marriage" between us and the Almighty based on our enthusiastic acceptance of Na'aseh V'Nishma then like any marriage it can be ended and "divorce" is an option. But once Hashem "took us by force" then he can never leave us.

 But anyways, Amnon refused and sent her home to her little brother Avshalom. He was not someone to mess with and next week as we learn about his revenge. Dovid though hears about all of this and is saddened and silent. Perhaps he understands that this is another fulfillment of his punishment. His chickens are coming home to roost.

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE ANNIVERSARY JOKES  OF THE WEEK

 My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 – 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary. I bought her a scale. We’re still not speaking.

 I bought my girlfriend a fridge for our anniversary. I know it wasn’t a great gift, but I loved seeing her face light up when she opened it.

 I asked my wife if she’d like a new Diamond Ring to celebrate our anniversary. “Nothing would make me happier!” She replied. So I got her nothing.

 How do you remember your wedding anniversary? Forget it once.

 Our anniversary is coming up, so my wife told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She’s going to love this pack of playing cards.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We've got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday? Sally said, No.
Jerry said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don't believe him, he’s getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ......

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here

It was mine and my wife's 25th wedding anniversary the other day and she said to me "Did you know i wore this on our first date and it still fits me"...I said "Its a scarf"...

I Bought my wife a clock for our anniversary. Because, there's no present , like the time.(OYYY)

It was Hetty and Benjy’s Silver Wedding anniversary. 
Hetty says, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, Benjy? I was so overwhelmed and taken aback that I couldn’t talk for an hour." 
Benjy replies, "Yes, of course I do, Hetty. How could I ever forget? It was the happiest hour of my life."  

For their anniversary, Dave and Shira Steinberg went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting.

When they got home, Dave and Shira saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends tonight, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

"I suppose," Dave responded dryly, "we could clean the house."

Wife: can you to give me a ring for our wedding anniversary

Husband: sure , why not
Wife: can you give it to me like a surprise when i'm at work, i want everyone to know.
Husband: sure
Wife: on Friday morning we have a huge meeting and everyone at work will be there. I think that would be a good time .
Husband: sure. keep your phone in full volume.

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Answer is D- You gotta love when the tour guide question of the week works out with the weekly parsha. It's like Hashem is guiding this column. I can't imagine anyone reading this E-Mail got this one wrong. I can barely imagine anyone taking this exam got this wrong. And I certainly believe that anyone that did shouldn't be a tour guide in Hashem's holyland. Yet…one does have to ask the question what in the world this has to do with tour guiding? Why should someone who wants to show a country have to know how many mitzvos there are or what the correct acronym for it is? It must be that even the MOT subconsciously understands that the only reason we have Eretz Yisrael is because of the mitzvos. Mi K'Amcha Yisrael- who is like you Israel that even the empty ones of you are full of mitzvos!   The correct answer is of course D making the score 21 for Rabbi Schwartz and 7 for the Ministry of Tourism on this exam.