The Unlikely King- Shavuot Edition / Parshat Naso- 5786 2026

 Insights and Inspiration

from the

Holy Land

from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

"Your friend in Karmiel"

May 21^st 2026 -Volume 16 Issue 30 5^th of Sivan 5786

 

Parshat Naso - Shavuot

 The Unlikely King

 

(Amazing newest and latest Edition for you guys… After years of making me crazy… I'm delighted to share with you each week a PRINTABLE LINK! For the Dvar Torah or whatever you wanna call this portion of the Weekly E-Mail for your Shabbos table…

Thank you Amit Landau for putting this together for me…

CLICK HERE BELOW FOR PRINT EDITION

( weekly newsletter parshat naso Shavuot edition  )

 

They called him a "mamzer". That's not a nice name. Others called him a "goy". A "sheigetz". I don't know if there were any Yerushalmi kids there at the time, but they might have even called him a "Nazi". It was really a shame, they said. His father was such a holy special person. Some say that he never did an aveira his entire life. He was the gadol ha'dor. It's a really Shanda, that he has a kid like that. It's no wonder, that he really doesn't want to talk about him to much, and he just lets him wander around on those hilltops with his guitar all day, like those "lost boys". Those na'arei ha'gevaot that are just violent psychopaths in the making with their slingshots and stuff. At least they're taking out their aggression issues away from the rest of us normal people. He's a red-head, and you know what they say about "gingies". He's got that Esau blood running through him.  

 

He's so wild, did you hear? The army didn't even want him. All that crazy radical talk about wiping out all those uncircumcised goyim. Liberating the land, as if we aren't already living the geula for the past few hundred years. We have our Mishkan in Shilo. Our Beis Medrash and Torah in Bnai Brak and Ponivizh. Sure, we have to deal with those Philistines coming up from Gaza every couple of years and terrorizing us. But that's life in Israel. No one ever said it was going to be easy.  Anyways, we have a man in office that's dealing with that. We have an army. The most moral army in the world…

 

Somebody's got tell this kid to stop with his posts and whatsapp statuses. He's irresponsible. He's endangering all of us with his rhetoric. With his violence. With constant nagging for the Beis Ha'Mikdash. With those Mashiach patches and those Har Ha'Bayis signs he's putting up all over the place. Can't he see, that there's a reason why Hashem never revealed to us the place to build him that home, yet. We're not meant to go there. There's probably some grain yard, or some golden pimple there. When the time comes, Hashem will bring us all there. For the meantime, just hang out with your sheep. Because you're not accepted into any of our yeshivos. You don't fit into our system. You're a loser. A blight on our elitist Torah system and world. Even the Gadol Ha'Dor your own father knows that, and every day you're alive you’re a shame and Shanda on him and your entire family.

 

Little did anyone ever dream that this kid would become the King of Israel and the grandaddy of Mashiach. That he was the only one that really had it right the whole time. That his father, that gadol ha'dor was so wrong about him. He was wrong about himself, about his wife, about his bubby, about his own roots and insecurities that he projected onto him. That this youngest son of his, that everyone wrote off and were sure would never amount to anything, turned out to be greatest leader of the Jewish people.

 

He really was the only one, and the first in a few hundred years, that actually got right what we were supposed to be doing here in Israel- and no it wasn't just about setting up Torah, shuls, batei midrash or even planting and growing stuff. It wasn't to create an Israeli Defense Force either. We weren't brought here to live in self-created minimalist borders, and try not to upset our neighbors, or step on their feet, or graze on their land. Certainly not to destroy their places of forcing worship. Sure, Hashem gave us this mandate, but to be honest, despite what He told our ancestors, He's pretty happy with the Torah we're learning. When He's ready He'll come take care of it Himself. It's not really our job. We're just meant to sing 'Ani Ma'amin' until then. Vehi She'amda is nice too. Maybe the kid could write some songs. That could be a nice way of using his energy for good. It's such a shame what his father has to go through. Maybe we could be mekarev him…

 

I imagine, you guys have figured out that I'm talking about Dovid Ha'Melech. I imagine as well, that you know this is exactly the way they talked about him. The same way, that we talk about them today… 3000 years and absolutely nothings changed. The story with his father Yishai- whose tomb in chevron I visited yesterday, along with his great-bubby who he thought was shiktza; Rus, is a perhaps less famous one. It's worthwhile to know it, especially since that's one of the reasons we will be reading it tomorrow. The sefer, which really doesn't have much to do with Shavuos explicitly, is read on the yartzeit of Dovid Ha'Melech. Not just his Yartzeit, but his birthday too.

 

We read the book, because there was a question about Dovid's yichus. His grandmother was Moabite convert. The Torah says you can't marry or convert someone from Moav. They're bad people. They're selfish. They're promiscuous. They have bad middos. We don't want that bad blood mixing with our pure holy nation. Now there was a debate whether that was just the men from Moav or even the women as well. But, why take chances? Tachlis, a goy is a goy, and maybe they're good shidduchim for some ba'al teshuva or something or another convert. But certainly not for a nice haymisheh family like ours.

 

Particularly this Rus, girl, is a problem. Her father was Eglon. He was like Sinwar, like Arafat. He was the guy that lived in Jordan that made deals with Amalek and for 18 years persecuted and attacked Israel. Her grandfather was Balak that hired Bila'am and ultimately 24,000 Jews were killed in a plague after he sent his daughters out to seduce them. 24,000, non-incidentally, is the same number of the students of Rabbi Akiva that died during the period of Omer. The students that died for not giving kavod- honor to one another. They died for 32 days, according to some, which is the gematria of kavod. They died during the 49 days of Omer which the gematria of Moav. It ends on Shavuos, with this granddaughter of Moav's story. It ends on Shavuos with the story of the birthday of the boy, who's their descendant who didn't seem to get too much respect himself; Dovid Melech Yisrael chai v'kayam.

 

Yishai, Dovid's father, although he never knew or even acknowledged that until the end of his life, had even separated from Dovid's mother in order to try to "purify" his questionable lineage. To get rid of this persistent skeleton in his closet, of this great-bubby of his that a few hundred years later people were still talking about. We have a way of doing that. He separated and married a maid servant, with plans of freeing her and thus she would become a regular convert and the line would be purified. Yet Dovid's mother wasn't a big fan of the concept. She wasn't such a lamdan, like her gadol ha'dor husband. So much like great-bubby Rus she took matters into her own hands. She snuck in the middle of the night, and poof Dovid came out of that conception, that Yishai didn't even know was from him. He assumed, Dovid's mother was with someone else during that separation period. Dovid was a mamzer. A goy perhaps. Nisht fun unzereh…So he chucked him out.

 

It wasn't until Shmuel comes to anoint one of his children to be the King of Israel, that he surprisingly finds out that none of his yeshivish brisker kids were worthy, and neither were the ones that were faithfully serving in the army of Shaul, that seemed so much more politically correct and leadership worthy. It was the kid with the sheep and guitar on the hilltop that was the anointed of Hashem. It was the kid they threw out of all of the yeshivas. It was the one fighting with animals. It was the kid we wrote off…and said wasn't real ours. That has bad blood. That was the chosen of Hashem. It's from him that not only does Mashiach descend from, but for whom, Rashi tells us in this week's parsha the Bais Ha'Mikdash is even named after. He's the red-headed leader, that doesn't have just a new "Trump" wing or hotel of the White House named after him, but the entire house of Hashem, then and what we daven for is called The Bais Dovid. David's house.

 

The Alshich, the Shela, the Ramachal and many other Jewish sages throughout the generations all note the bizarreness of the origin story of Dovid and Mashiach. The truth is it's even worse than what I've even written. For Moav's early roots come from the daughter of Lot's incestuous relationship with their father. Boaz is a descendant of Yehuda and Tamar and their illicit harlot's tryst unknowingly with his own daughter-in-law. It's not nice stuff. It's skeletons in our closet. It's people that we talk about perhaps at best, treating with kavod, and respect and being mekarev, but l'maaseh never really dream that they can be Mashiach, they can be greater than all of us. That they should marry into our family, let alone lead it.

 

Yet, that's not only the real secret of Mashiach, that seems incomprehensible to us, they suggest. Rather it's the only way that he can ever be born and ultimately reveal himself. What they write is that there is a real power of the Satan, to prevent and prosecute the coming of Mashiach and the revelation of Hashem. That's the job Hashem created him for. To create a counter-force in the world that will grant us free-choice and always balance out holiness and revelation with a significant force and challenge that will try to hide and destroy that. It's why every Yom Kippur we have to give a goat to Azazel as a gift to distract him. To pretend as if we're worshipping idolatry so he'll be quiet and let our atonement fly. It's why on the day of giving of the Torah, Hashem distracted the Satan to the point that the Midrash tell us that when the Satan came home he didn't even know it was given and therefore immediately upped the ante with the sin of the golden calf temptation, by floating the coffin of Moshe. He does that after the Akeida, with the death of Sarah. And particularly when we get closer and closer to Eretz Yisrael and fulfilling our divine mandate, he's there with Amalek, with Balak and Bilaam, with the spies. He doesn't stop.

 

The Satan's job didn't end even when we came into Israel. He made us satisfied with settling parts of the land and getting too lazy to take the whole thing. He made us happy with Shilo and we forgot about the house of Hashem. He does this after the building of the Temple with the division of our kingdom. With the Jews not wanting to return during the 2^nd Temple with Ezra. With the sins of the 2^nd Temple. The Greek influence. Assimilation. Political correctness. Sinas Chinam. He's done it through out our Galus. He's still doing it today. He's smart. He's savvy and there's only one way to overcome him and bring in the light. It's through the back door. It's with people that he doesn't see as a threat. It's from the darkest shmutziest stories, that he knows we will never believe in or find light in. That's the only way Mashiach could be born. Happy Birthday Dovid.

 

The Eim Ha'Banim Samaycha, Rav Teichtel, writes during is time during the Holocaust, about the secular and perhaps even anti-religious underpinnings of the Zionist State. Although initially having been an anti-zionist before the Holocaust who decried this movement, his thinking shifted and he quotes source after source throughout Chazal that the opposite is quite true. It is only through these non-frum, through the sins just like Dovid's and Mashiach's illicit promiscuous origins that the redemption can come. That we can get past the Satan's spiritual camera, that he has on his phone that's always on the lookout for of happening. Mashiach can only be revealed, through a hiddenness that looks prust, and filthy to us, that you don't even want to tell your children what's going on. It's coming from people that we may call eruv rav, but the truth is they're our ticket home. There's a spark in them, just like Dovid that is willing to sacrifice it all for the house of Hashem, that Rashi tell us

"because he sacrificed himself for the house of Hashem, it is called on his name"

Just as the Mishkan is called after the name of Moshe.

 

I spend a lot of times on the hilltops with my tourists. I love this 15 year old kids and simple families that are fighting and doing it all with their sheep, to conquer the land. To chase out our enemies. To fight against our own Israeli army and beauracacy because they long for our return home. What's fascinating though is that these same kids with payos, tzitzis and sandals who I see as modern day Dovid Ha'Melechs and are perhaps some of the most vilified in Israel and in the world, were here a hundred years ago as well. They were secular back then. They were chalutzim, pioneers without kippas and many even ate on Yom Kippur and denied Hashem. Yet they sat the ground for what these holy ones are doing today. They got us past the Satan. And now we're slowly sancitifying their work.

 

Interestingly enough, the same is true in our army. The original army of Israel was all about kochi v'otzem yadi, Our own power, our own greatness. Yisrael Bitach Ba'Tzahal. The Satan had no problem with them. He was even willing and allowed miracles to take place. Even ask the Satmar Rebbi and Neturei Karta… They were the harlot at the crossroad of Yehuda, they were daughters of Moabite sinners, they were Lot's daughters who thought they with their own sins can save the world and create a new one. Yet, they held and were hiding the light of Mashiach. The light of Dovid. Toady look at the army of Israel. They're mostly wearing Tzitzis, yarmulkas, they sing songs about Hashem. They all daven. They learn. They believe. They're on fire and have Mashiach patches on their uniforms. We got through the door of the Satan. We've avoided his camera. We now need to finish the job.

 

Parshat Naso, that we read this Shabbos here in Israel, is all about that idea. It's the counting of Levi and then it’s the ones thrown out of the camp and bringing them back, the tamey, the zav, the metzora, the sota and even the holier-than thou- nazir. Only after we return them, only after we see the blessing of the Kohen for them, can the nesi'im then each bring their sacrifices. Because they are our key to bringing mashiach. They've got the visa that can get us into the country. They possess the holy spark that we need to find the chen the Kohen blesses us with in order to bring Shalom, to the world. To build an eternal house of Shalom.  

 

The holiday of Shavuos, is really not so much about the Torah. The Torah is our kesuva- our marriage document, with Hashem. Can you imagine someone by their wedding dancing and running around and showing them their kesuva all night. Check it out, what an amazing document. What s brilliant idea. What beautiful writing! Meanwhile the kallah is sitting in the corner wondering when her chasan will remember that she's there waiting. She wants to go into the yichud room. She wants him to bring her home. Shavuos is about being one with Hashem. It's about a house of Dovid.

Dovid is the same letters as dod- my beloved. That's what we need to remember. That's the ball we need to keep our eye on. If we do that, then we would be more focused on the ones that we need to be there with us, the ones that can perhaps be our key to getting there. The one's we're overlooking because we're so focused on the kesuva and not the house. Dovid, never forgot the house. On Shavuos, we read his story to remind us and tap into his energy so we can redirect our thoughts and perhaps undergo that one last paradigm shift that we need, so that we may once again merit to see our King and bring Him back down to His palace.      

 

 Have a revelatory and celebratory Chag Shavuos Samayach and an uplifting Shabbos

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz 

 

This week's Insights and Inspiration is sponsored by my dear friend Shel Donner in honor of their upcoming trip to Israel in honor of his granddaughters Ruthies 10^th Birthday!

Mazel Tov.. It's so great to have you back here, and there's no better way to celebrate a birthday like a trip to Israel. May Ruthie continue to grow into a beautiful bas Yisrael and be a source of much yiddishe nachaas to her entire family and her grandparents that love her very much!

  

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YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

 

"Fun krume shidukhim kumen arois glaikheh kinder."– From crooked matches also come straight children..

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

answer below at end of Email

 

33. In honor of which ruler’s visit was the road from Jaffa to Jerusalem paved? ________

 What is the earliest text in which the city of Jerusalem is mentioned?

A. The Torah

B. The New Testament

C. The Execration texts 

D. The Dead Sea Scrolls

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S COOL VIDEO OF THE WEEK

 

In Honor of Shavuous it's Rabbi Schwartz compositions playlist!

 

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/dovid-melech-r-ephrayim  - In honor of Dovid Ha'Melech's Yartzeit my Dovid Melech song that we should be zochen to sing soon to greet Mashiach!

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/vatem   – Dreaming of the Geula? Here's my wings of Eagle composition with the promise Hashem gave us on Shavuot! Dovid Lowy on the arrangements and vocals!

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/kad-yasvun  - This beautiful heartfelt composition of mine Kad Yasvun… When we are joyous in our study of the Torah Hashem tells the malachim to look at his beautiful children who forget their own tzaros to only take joy in Hashem… Dovid Lowy again on vocals and arrangements…

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/melech-rachamon  - From our holiday davening our longing and prayer for Hashem to rebuild the Bais Ha'Mikdash- You even get to hear me sing the first 20 seconds or so… Baruch Hashem Dovid takes over from there…

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/torah-hakedosha  – Our Tefilla to the Torah to turn to Hahem and not forget that Shavuos Morning when we first wed Him and said "I do" and to answer our prayers…

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/eitz-chayim  – And finally my song for Shavuous Eitz Chayim Hi- It's our tree of life. It's ways are pleasantness… And the song is great!

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

Prophecy Ending- 350 BC-   The return to Eretz Yisrael was happening. As per the nevuah of Chaggai the Jews started rebuilding the temple. The process that had started 19 year before hand with Koresh/Cyrus that had been halted now commenced once again with the return of Zerubavel and the permission of Darius. Yet, not everyone came, as we noted. Most stayed. The Navi Zecharia steps into the limelight here and rebukes them. He tells them that era of prophecy in coming to an end. There's really no point in it anymore he tells them. For a few reasons.

 

The first is that nobody really is paying attention and coming. So why talk and reveal and try to cajole if the words aren't being heeded to return. The second reason though he gives, is even more powerful. He tells them that they are experiencing more prophecy now than before. Because the words of the prophets of the past are actually taking place before their eyes. Why can't they see it? Why don't they not how miraculous it is that we are returning. That we are building. Why are they still there? Finally, he tells them that the reason prophecy is ending is because Hashem is angry. He's hiding His face from us. We've refused to come home to see Him and to bring Him home. He will not hang out and communicate with us as well as He did in the past. He is our shadow. He's taking His cues from us.

 

For 19 years we had been in Jerusalem and even starting to sacrifice offerings on the altar we constructed there, despite there not being a Temple. Now that the process had begun of rebuilding it, the Jews started getting a bit frummer and asking about purity and impurity laws. Who can come and who can't. Zecharia again tells them an unbelievable and tragic and prophecy. He tells them that tumah and tahara isn't as important as the actual building and return to the service. The 2^nd Temple will not be the final one. The Jews have rejected it by not coming. It will last, we will worship there. Yet, the shechina and miracles can't come until the next Temple that will follow. Then we can fix our sins. Then we can come back for good. That's the era we're in now.

 

Take that thought in your minds as you daven this Shavous, wherever you are but especially in chutz la'aretz. We want the real deal. We want to come home and build the Bais Ha'Mikdash. Totty is waiting for us…

 

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE KING JOKES OF THE WEEK

 

There once was a king who was 12 inches tall.He was a terrible king but a great ruler…

 

A king has 3 cups in front of him. The first 2 cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name? King Philip III

 

What happens when the King leaves the toilet? A Royal Flush.

 

Once upon a time, a King wanted to have some fun. He went on a podium and said loudly: "I will give half of my fortune to anyone who manages to tell me a lie that I, myself, admit that it's a lie."

An old man walked to the King and said: "I can draw rainbows wherever I want."

The King replied: "That's true, I saw you making one yesterday and it was really pretty."

A soldier then walked to the King while everyone stared at him, and said: "Your majesty, I have a gun that shoots atomic bombs."

The King quickly said: "That's great, and by the way, good job on Hiroshima."

After hearing all that, the kingdom was discouraged to ask any further questions because it would simply end the same; the King can always find a way to dodge that lie.

Almost desperate, a young Jewish boy named Bereleh, approached the King holding a barrel and loudly said: "I lent you a barrel of gold last week".

The King said: "That's a lie."

The boy replied: "Give me half of your fortune then!"

The King quickly said: "Wait, I remember, you did lend you me barrel of gold last week."

Smirking, Bereleh shouted: "Give it back to me then."

 

What's it called when a King and Queen have no children? A receding heir-line.

 

Which of King Arthur's knights was chosen to make the round table? Sir Cumference

 

Why did none of the women King Midas dated want to marry him? They got gold feet.

 

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all, so he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said,

"I served you loyally 10 years and you do this..?

The king was unrelenting. The Minister pleaded

"Please give me 10 days before you throw me to the dogs"

The king agreed. In those 10 days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to serve the dogs for the next 10 days. The guard was baffled, but he agreed. So the minister started feeding the dogs, caring for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort for them. So when the 10 days were up, the king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced. When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. The dogs were wagging their tails playing with the condemned minister and licking his feet. The king was baffled at what he saw.

"what happened to the dogs? !!!” He growled.

The minister then said;”

I served the dogs for only 10 days and they didn’t forget my service…

Yet I served you for 10 years and you forgot all at the first mistake!”…

The king realised his mistake and replaced the dogs with crocodiles !!

 

My friend is such a big fan of the Royal Family, each of his four sons are named after a king.

**Henry**

**George**

**Charles**

**Burger.**

 

There's a depressed king back in the 14th century. And nothing could cheer him up. Eventually the royal advisor hired a new fool to entertain the king. The clown was very funny, and most of the court laughed, but the king merely sighed, and then turned towards his advisor.

"I don't think this worked Henry, but I appreciate the jester."

 

King Henry VIII had six wives. He beheaded two of them. Those were his axe wives.

 

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The answer to this week's question is C– OK I always marvel how this sometimes connect to the time of year that this falls out. It's a divine kiss to those that make it this far into my column 😊. Now the first part I got right officially, the second part only spiritually. Franz Josef I knew. His visit to Israel was famous, and its why we have the Tifferet Yisrael shul currently being rebuilt's dome in honor of his hat and visit. Part II I got wrong according to them. I of course went with the Torah. The answer they were looking for was the excrecation scrolls which were found in Egypt from about 1000 years supposedly before the Jews were even in Egypt. They mention Jerusalem. So technically the pre-date the Torah. But as we know it all starts with the Torah, which was my guess…

So I got this one only half right. and the new score is Rabbi Schwartz having 22.5 points and the MOT having 10.5 points on this latest Ministry of Tourism exam.

Un-marriage-ables- Parshat Ki Teitzei 2020/ 5780

 

Insights and Inspiration

from the

Holy Land

from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

"Your friend in Karmiel"

August 28^th 2020 -Volume 10 Issue 44 8^th Elul 5780

 

Parshat Ki Teitzei

Un-Marriage-ables

"But we're in love, Rabbi" She told me. As if that was somehow supposed to impress me and change my mind. It didn't. The truth is I felt bad for Michelle. She was a great girl. Raised in a non-observant, but very "Jewishy" home, she had really been coming a long way in her Jewish journey in growth in yiddishkeit. She was a regular at my classes and Shabbos table. I had high hopes for he to go off to Israel and to study in a yeshiva there for girls. But then Derek came along. Over the past few months she had been spending more and more time with him, and it seems that "things" had been getting more serious. When we finally had our sit down to talk about their relationship I saw that she was clearly torn. She had never imagined herself with a non-Jewish partner, but yet… she was in love.

 

"I've dated a lot of Jewish guys, but I've never connected to any of them the way I do with Derek. He's deep, he's sensitive, we connect on so many levels. Sure I know it won't be easy. He's definitely not interested in being Jewish. But he has tremendous respect for my choices and connection to Judaism. Doesn't love conquer all? If we care and love each other enough, maybe we can make it work."

 

My heart went out for her. She really liked him, and he really was a nice, great guy. He just wasn't from the tribe. He wasn't her bashert. But you really can't convince a girl in love that love really isn't enough. That despite what Hollywood, novels, and society have been telling the world for centuries marriage is so much more than love, and as powerful and overwhelming a feeling that love is, it doesn't possess the ingredients to build the amazing Jewish home that she had dreamed of. The love she was feeling really didn't have the power to accomplish anything meaningful.

 

I had to be harsh. She knew I cared, so I could get away with it. So I told her about Dor Yehsorim.  See when Orthodox young men and women meet for the purpose of marriage there is a test that they take to see if the two of them are compatible. This is not an internet dating site, don’t worry. Tay Sachs, is a terrible diesase that can only occur if both parents possess a certain gene found in Ashkenazic Jews. Statistics are that if they are both carriers there is a 25% chance that their children will have this terrible debilitating disease that usually ends with the child dying at a very young age under terrible conditions. If only one parent has the gene though it is not a problem, it cannot be transmitted. So all young men and women take this test when they are in school and are given a number and when a shidduch is mentioned the numbers are exchanged and without revealing if either is a carrier they tell you whether the match should move forward.

 

Now I shared with her a story of a couple that didn't do the test initially. However, after their engagement they got tested and whadaya know? They found out that they were both positive for the gene. Now what? Should they go forward with the marriage or not? Maybe love conquers all?

 

What if the fiancé was diagnosed with a terrible disease? AIDS? What if you found out that they were bi-polar (and didn't take meds)? They couldn't have children? They had a gambling problem or a drug addiction.  Does love conquer all…? It obviously doesn't, despite how much love one has for another and how great they make you feel and how they may even be fantastic people that you would want to help and sit by their bedside. They're not what you would choose as marriage material. Because marriage is bigger than that and finding the right person for that particular role is gonna take other more important qualifications than love.

 

What's it gonna take? Well this week's Torah portion of Ki Teitzei has a lot of tips and mitzvos of who not to marry. Let's check out some of them and see if we can create a Jewish dating profile of what to look for and not to look for.

 

Well, the first story in the parsha is the mitzva of Yefas Toar. She's a non-Jewish women that in fact one is permitted to take for a wife, after a quickie one month conversion. She is captured during war, and it seems that this mitzva is a concession to soldiers who seem to have major testosterone flowing during warfare. The Torah rather than putting this soldier through what would seem to be too difficult of a challenge, permits her to the soldier if he can put up with her whining and mourning for her family that she lost in war for a month. It's pretty brutal. Certainly not politically correct. But thank God, the Divine editor, of our Torah has no fear of being "cancel cultured". He wasn't writing a column in the NY Times. He was writing lessons for us. And he speaks truth to us, as He knows us. After-all He did make us.

 

This woman, seemingly an innocent victim, the Torah seems to say is a bad idea to marry, although she is not prohibited. The following portion describes the wayward children that come out of such a marriage and the case of a husband who eventually hates his wife. Yes, she's a yefas to'ar- she's beautiful and yes, right now you feel you can't live without her. And yes, that love even allowed you to put up with her in the worst of times. You saw her crying, you saw her mourning, you saw her disheveled. All those wonderful life cycles that our smart women only show us after they have a ring on their finger and are good and married. Who knows what the shidduch crisis would look like if the average yeshiva bachur got to see that before they were married. Shhh… let's not tell them. But guess what? even having been through all of that together doesn't allow that love will conquer all. You can marry her if you like…but don't come running back later crying why it didn't work out.

 

Later on in the parsha the Torah goes even a step further and discusses a Jewish woman that one "couldn't resist"- as obscene as that sounds, and he either seduces or takes advantage of her without the sanctity of marriage. The halacha is that she is now his forever (as long as she wants). It has nothing to do with whether he loves her or not. In fact, the few cases Tanach mentioned after such incidents took place the "boyfriend" or seducer generally is disgusted by her afterwards. Building a home with her, the torah tells us is not predicated on his love for her or how much he may desire her anymore or not. It's about responsibility that one has for the woman he has committed a marital act with.  In a regular marriage a man has a choice if he wishes to stay married or not. Each day he's there it's because he chooses to be there. But in these cases, since he took away her choice about being in the situation she is in, he no longer has that choice anymore. Only she does. So it's not a marriage built upon love necessarily. Yet the Torah tells us that one can still build and make a marriage out of that. It may not be what he's looking for. But tough luck. It's what he chose, it's what he's obligated to do. As my mother taught me. "You make your bed- You lie in it"

 

These laws all seem to address that marriage is not and should not be about the desire for the other person. Good looks or attraction does not a good Torah marriage make. Our sages tell us that it is forbidden for someone to marry somebody without seeing their spouse first. I'm pretty sure that Zoom dating isn't good enough. The reason given is not so that he can be sure he is attracted to her. Rather fascinatingly enough, in the words of the Talmud it's "so that he shouldn't be disgusted by the way she looks". Reb Matisyahu Solomon, the mashgiach in Lakewood asked a boy once in yeshiva how his date was. The young bachur responded ambivalently that she "nisht shlecht" (not bad). He told him "Az vos ken zein shlect mit a nit shlecheter- What can be bad about something not bad!" Baruch Hashem all Bnos Yisrael have a natural beauty and chein. It's not something to worry about or even to put on one's "must-have" list. It's not what will make a good Torah marriage, and if desire and love are all you have on your "list"". It's too short.

 

The Parsha then takes it a step further as it details men and women that are not permitted to marry into the Jewish people. All of them are forbidden to marry someone and become part of "Kahal Yisrael- the community of Israel. The Torah starts this list with a man that has been injured in a dramatic way that he can no longer have children. I'll leave out the gory details. Interestingly enough though this only applies if this is not a natural born condition. Someone born with a fertility problem even of a physical nature can get married with a regular Jewish girl.

 

Reb Mosh Feinstien explains that the reason for this prohibition is because when getting married is not just two people living alone together on an island happily ever after. Marriage is about becoming part of the community. It's about building eternity. It's about raising a family. Someone who was born unfertile has their bashert that was born with them. Someone that underwent something that left him that way, may get married to woman that is forbidden to join the community, as we'll see. He can even be righteous person and marry a righteous person, such as a convert. But joining Kahal Hashem, means that there was nothing that was done to you to prevent you from making that family. Our sacred bris is the only sign and mark we make on our body to remind us of the importance of procreation in our place as the community of Hashem. Because a Jewish marriage is not just about love.

 

That idea follows to the next law, which again seems to be go against modern political correct thought, is the prohibition to marry a mamzer (male) or a mamzeres (female)- this is someone who was born of a forbidden relationship whether an extramarital one or one with a forbidden family member. A mamzer/es can never marry anyone that doesn't come from a similar background. Not only the mamzer but all of their future descendants are prohibited to marry anyone that is not as well invalid to marry into the disti

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RABBI SCHWARTZ’S FAVORITE YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

 " Der shainker hot lib dem shikker, ober di tochter vet er im nit geben." The saloon-keeper loves the drunkard, but he wouldn’t give him his daughter in marriage.

 RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

answer below at end of Email

The “Sigd” holiday belongs to the following community:

A. Yemenite

B.  Ethiopian

C.  Karaite

D.  Samaritan

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO  OF THE WEEK

 https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/lulay-heamanti-kavey - In honor of Elul enjoy my most beautiful & inspiring Rabbi Schwartz composition Lulay He'amanti arranged and sung by Dovid Lowy

 https://youtu.be/maaumNbBGDE -Hillel Kapnick inspiring beautiful song U'Teshuva from his new Elul Disc

 https://youtu.be/kqzMDBdeQC0   – Yaakov Shwekey's latest song L'Dovid in honor of Elul

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=biP3Cirl9DY –Shlomo Katz awesome Everlasting love farbrengen

 RABBI SCHWARTZ'S PARSHA/MITZVA CONNECTION OF THE WEEK

 Parshat Ki Teitzey – Shiluach Hakein-Sending away the mother bird- Pigeons are annoying birds. They chirp outside my window early in the morning, they leave droppings all over the floor outside my house and last month I found a strange smell in my office, and it turns out that one of them made a nest outside of my window and I've got spoiled bird eggs sitting there. Yet, these fine feathered  'boids' as they say in Brooklyn actually get a mitzva of their own and it's one that the Torah tells us merits long life, and in these scary times that can't be such a bad thing.

 In the short verses about this strange mitzva the Torah tells us

 Devarim (22;6-7) If, along the road, you chance upon a bird’s nest, in any tree or on the ground, with fledglings or eggs and the mother sitting over the fledglings or on the eggs, do not take the mother together with her young. Shalayach Tishalach –Send away the mother, and take only the young, in order that you may fare well and have a long life.

 So in a nutshell- or eggshell to be more accurate, if one finds a kosher birds nest; kosher birds being robins, doves, pigeons, mallard ducks or even Canadian geese what my father calls "katchkas", then there is a mitzva to send away the mother bird and to take the eggs or chicks. It's not necessary to keep the eggs or chickens, just pick them up and put them down again after sending away the mother bird. You do this, the Torah tells us that you'll be granted long life, according to one opinion in the talmud this means in the eternal world. Not bad, for what our sages describe as a pretty easy mitzva.

 Now we don't have reasons for mitzvos. We have taam'ey hamitzvot- tastes of the mitzva, which are ideas that we can take out of the mitzva that has meaning for us. There is certainly a component of mercy as not to take the babies in front of the mother. Yet our sages say we can't certainly say that is the reason as it is arguable, after all why take the babies at all? Others suggest that there is an idea of not destroying an entire species, much as the mitzva of not slaughtering a mother cow and their calf in the same day. Yet, the Ramban tells us that there are all types of deep kabbalistic mystical reasons behind this mitzva that are not for the layman. The Zohar though does say that the cry of the mother bird does elicit Hashem's compassion for his children, and he showers us with mercy when it we fulfill this mitzva.

 One of the important things about this mitzva is making sure you've got the mother bird. As both of them sit on the nest this is not easy to tell. Most laymen can't tell the difference but here's a tip. The ladies usually sit on the nest by night and the men by day. Whether there is a lesson here as to which parent should be in charge of putting the children to sleep is up to you to decide. It's also not a mitzva that you should wait around to do. After the chicks are born it's usually only about two weeks or so before they start to fly and then the mitzva can no longer be fulfilled.

 Now the Torah is quite specific that this mitzva is for one that encounters a bird on the road. This means that the bird, nest, eggs or chicks have to be ownerless, on public property. A nest found on private property, including your own, like the one on my home office window, would belong to the owner of the property and therefore wouldn't be obligated in the mitzva. Yet more often than not we find people fulfilling this mitzva on birds they find be their house. The way this can be done, some authorities offer, is by being mafkir them, declaring it ownerless in front of three people. In doing so one can then send the mother away in fulfillment of the mitzva.

 If you are a bit queasy, it's not neccesary to acutally hold the mother bird in ones hand. You can chase the mother bird away by making noise or tapping the nest with a stick. It is neccesary to pick up the birds or eggs though. A blessing is not recited though on this mitzva according to most authorities.

 RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

  Dovid rise to Glory - 878 BC- Dovid's return to Shaul after the slaying of Golyas and the trouncing of the Plishtim was with great fanfare. Shaul's palace was most likely in Tel Al Ful near Givat Zeev. It can be seen supposedly from Givat Shaul in Jerusalem which is one of the reasons it was called Givat Shaul although it's quite far away. But it was also called Givat Shaul after the Rishon Litziyon in the times of the Ottoman Empire Reb Yaaakov Shul Elishur. The women would come out to the streets and cheer how Shaul had killed thousands but Dovid had killed 10's of thousands. This obviously was upsetting to Shaul, who already had been informed that his kingdom would be shortened as a result of his failure to wipe out Amalek. Yet Shaul's resentment of Dovid it seemed went a step further than plain old jealousy. There seems to have been some depression that infected Shaul, perhaps as a result of having lost the divine spirit that rested upon him. Ironically it was only Dovid that could calm him as he played the harp for him. Yet it was twice during those moments of Dovid playing for him that Shaul attempted to "by mistake- On purpose" try to kill him with his spear. But it didn't work. Hashem was watching out for Dovid and Shaul was realizing the game was over.

 The next plan for Shaul was to perhaps have Dovid killed in some crazy military mission. Now earlier on the Navi told us that the soldiers ha told Dovid that whoever kills Golyas will have his daughter's hand in marriage. It's not clear if that was a guarantee given by Shaul or if it was just 'the word on the street'. Regardless Shaul was not that forthcoming. Technically Shaul's oldest daughter, Meirav, after whom the yishuv by Mt. Gilboa where  many of Shaul's family is remembered is named, should've been wed to Dovid, but Shaul had her married to someone else. So the next in line was Michal, who anyways was pretty in love with Dovid. But Shaul wasn't going to make it easy for Dovid. He had word sent to him, that rather than the typical dowry that one should give for a daughter's hand in marriage, Shaul wanted revenge against the Plishtim. How about 100 foreskins of the some Plishtim terrorists. Mazel Tov!

 Now Shaul had expected that Dovid would never make it out of this seeming suicide mission, but never bet against Dovid. He came back with 200 orlos. Take that. This obviously exacerbated the situation even more between the two and things were going to start getting nastier and nastier. So if there's one lesson you should learn from here… never ever complain about your father-in-law again Dovid had worse…

 RABBI SCHWARTZ’S MARRIAGE JOKES  OF THE WEEK

 Mr & Mrs Goldberg had just got married. On their way to their  home, Mr Goldberg said to his new wife “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?” 

Abe steps out of his building to hail a taxi and immediately finds one. As he gets in, the cabbie says, “Perfect timing, just like Saul.”

“Who's Saul?” asks the passenger.

“Saul Gold, of course,” says the cabbie. “Now there was someone who got what he wanted — like a taxi just when he needed it. Not like me; I always have to wait ages when I need something.”

“Nobody’s perfect," says the passenger.

“Except Saul,” says the cabbie. “Saul was a great athlete and could have played in the NFL. Not like me – I'm just a couch potato. Saul danced like Astaire. Not like me. I've got two left feet.”

“Sounds like Saul was really someone special.”

“You can say that again,” says the cabbie. “He even remembered everyone’s birthday. Not like me. I always forget important birthdays and anniversaries. And Saul could fix anything in the house. Not like me. If I change a fuse, the whole neighborhood has a power failure. And Saul knew how to treat his wife. He could always make her feel good and never answered her back even if she was in the wrong. He always complimented her on dinner. Not like me. I'm always getting into arguments with my wife.”

“What an amazing person. How did you meet him?” asks the passenger.

“Well, I never actually met Saul,” replies the cabbie.

“Then how do you know so much about him?” asks the passenger.

“I married his widow,” replies the cabbie. 

 A family of Schmohawk Indians were sitting around the fire one night. There was papa Geronowitz, mama Pocayenta and the daughter, Minihorowitz. 

"So, nu," says Minihorowitz, "You'll never believe." 

"What?" says Pocayenta. 

"Today, at high noon, someone proposed to me." 

"So what did you say?" says Pocayenta." 

"I said yes" 

"That's wonderful," says Pocayenta. "She said yes! Did you hear that Geronowitz? Our little Minihorowitz is getting married." 

"I heard," says Geronowitz, "I'm kvelling. So who's the lucky boy?" 

"Sittin' Bialy." 

"Sittin' Bialy?" says Pocayenta," of the SoSiouxMe tribe?" 

"That's the one," says Minihorowitz. 

"Oy, Geronowitz! The SoSiouxMe's! There are so many of them. How can we feed them? How can we get them all in our teepee for the wedding?" 

"We'll think of something," says Geronowitz. 

"Geronowitz, get me a buffalo for the wedding. I can make buffalo tzimmes from the meat and we can make an extra teepee from the hide. Get me a buffalo." 

So Geronowitz goes out to hunt a buffalo. A day and night goes by and Geronowitz has not come back. Another day and half the night and Geronowitz comes home exhausted, staggering and empty-handed. 

"Geronowitz I've been worried sick. Where have you been? Where's my buffalo?" 

"It's like this," he says. "On my first day out, I hunted high and I hunted low and I finally found a buffalo. But this buffalo was scrawny with no meat on his bones for buffalo tzimmes and barely enough hide for a rain hat. So I settled in for the night to try again the next day. 

The second day, I looked high and I looked low, from this way and that way and I finally found a buffalo. He was big with lots of meat and lots of hide, but I tell you, Pocayenta, this was the ugliest buffalo I ever saw in my life. This, I thought to myself, is not the buffalo for my daughter's wedding. So I carried on looking. I went up hills and I went down hills and I found a big buffalo. It was, as buffaloes go, a beautiful buffalo. If I say so myself, it was  the perfect buffalo. This, I said to myself, is the buffalo Pocayenta wants for Minihorowitz's wedding. 

So I reach into my backpack quietly for my tomahawk as I tip-toe over to the buffalo. I raise my tomahawk slowly over the buffalo's neck when suddenly, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I see it." 

"See what?" says Pocayenta. 

"I've brought the dairy tomahawk!" 

 Sadie sits down next to an attractive man on the train and says, "You look just like my fourth husband". The man replies, "Your fourth husband? So how many times have you been married, lady?" 

"Three," replies Sadie. 

 A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. 

He then says, "Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry." 

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." 

"That's amazing, Mom. You're right. How did you know?" 
"I don't like her."

 Christine and Daniel fall in love and decide to get married - but only on condition that Christine becomes Jewish. So she goes to see Rabbi Levy for some advice. 

Rabbi Levy tells her, "You will have to learn how to keep a kosher home, light shabbes candles, keep two sets of crockery and a few other simple things." 
"That sounds easy to me, rabbi," says Christine, "I can easily do that." 
Then Rabbi Levy says, "The last thing is, you must go to a mikva." 
"A mikva?" says Christine, "what's that?" 
"It's a pool of water," answers Rabbi Levy, "and you must immerse yourself completely for a few seconds." 
"I'm sorry, rabbi, but I have a phobia about putting my head underwater. I'll go into the water up to my chin but I won’t put my head under the water. Will that be OK?" 
"I suppose it will do," replies Rabbi Levy, "you’ll be mostly Jewish but you will still have a 'Goyisha kop'."

 Sharon had lived a good life, having been married four times. Now she stood before the Pearly Gates. The angel at the gates said to her, “I see that you first of all married a banker, then an actor, next a rabbi and lastly an undertaker. Why? This does not seem appropriate for a Jewish woman.” 

“Oh yes it is”, Sharon replied. “It’s one for the money, two for the show, three to make ready and four to go.”

Moishe had just had a medical check up. "I hate to be the one to break it to you," said the doctor, "but you've only got about 6 months to live." 

"Oh my God" gasped Moishe, turning white. 
A few minutes later, after the news had sunk in, Moishe said, "Doctor, you've known me a long time. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?" 
"Have you ever married?" asked the doctor. 
Moishe replied that he had been a bachelor his whole life. 
"You might think about taking a wife," said the doctor, "after all, you'll need someone to look after you during the final illness." 
"That's a good point," said Moishe, "and with only 6 months to live I better make the most of my remaining time." 
"May I make one more suggestion?" asked the doctor, "marry a Jewish girl." 
"A Jewish girl? Why?" asked Moishe. 
"It'll seem longer."

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Answer is B –  Another fairly easy one for anyone living in Israel, although I doubt if any Americans knew this. Sigd is a Ethiopian holiday that is 50 days after Yom Kippur, according to the new calendar they established about 150 years ago. It is a day of prayer, fasting and celebration. It's not sure what or why it was established but it seems that it had to do with the removal of Christian persecution and the reunification of their Beta Israel community and their reconnection with Torah like in the book of Nechemia that inspired them.  Another one right again and the score is Schwartz 31 and 11 for MOT (Ministry of Tourism) on this exam my grade is looking up..!