Inslights and Perspiration
from the
Holy Gland
from
Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz
"Your tour-guide, Rabbi, mortgage broker, clothing sales shlepper and most importantly your friend in Karmiel"
from the
Holy Gland
from
Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz
"Your tour-guide, Rabbi, mortgage broker, clothing sales shlepper and most importantly your friend in Karmiel"
March 3rd 2014 -Volume 2, Issue 21 -11th of
Adar 5774
Tzav/ Zachor/Purim
Rabbi Schwartz's annual Top Ten List…
Spam the World!
It has become an annual
tradition already. The Rabbi Schwartz Purim Top Ten List is finally here! For many this is the
highlight of the entire year, for lesser people it is their children's wedding
or Bar Mitzvah or the end of the election season in Israel. In past years we
dedicated our Purim E-mail to very important Top Ten lists "Top Ten
symbols suggestions for Israel's Government ministries" and "Top
Ten reasons to use rabbi schwartz as your tour guide in Israel". Both
of these E-mails incidentally received high accolades and awards from my wife,
mother and teen-age daughter as well as other International Critics
organizations. (You can and should click on those links below to read them and
have fun-don't be scared just because you will be forwarded to my blog does not
mean that you will have to give a donation. It's not a trick. I know how much
you are scared of god forbid using our very easy paypal system to contribute
and show your appreciation for our weekly inspiration that goes out to
thousands maybe even millions of people and that would help support poor
starving families that suffer from chulent withdrawal each week. So no worries
we will not ask you for any money. Although the link will be right there… Just
in case…you want to make someone-ahem ahem- happy this purim…) Back to our
E-Mail.
Anyways, it has been rough deciding what our
Top ten list should be this year. Some of the choices were, the Top Ten reasons
why Rabbi Schwartz should be Mayor of
Beit Shemesh, or the Top Ten New Mitzvos I learned about this year
(demonstrations, elections, kosher phones, bus seats…), Top Ten reasons the
Israeli Army is scared of me serving in it and finally the Top Ten things that
The Israeli Kneset and the Purim characters have in common. Unfortunately I
could not narrow down any of the above lists of Top Ten to only ten things, as
there were way too many choices. Instead I felt that I would dedicate this year's
Top Ten list to a topic unrelated to politics-as un-Israeli as that may seem-,
rather to one of more of an educational nature.
It has come to my
attention that there are many people out there that do not as of yet receive my
weekly E-Mail. I found this to be quite shocking. I mean I knew that there were
starving people in Ethiopia (that's how my mother used to get me to finish my
food- thanks a lot Mom, not that this was ever a frequent problem, and not that
I ever understood the logic, why my licking my plate would help them. But OK,
never disregard the mussar of your mother our sages tell us.) I also knew that
there are some places that they do not have free wireless service as
incomprehensible as that may be. My years in Jewish outreach work as well has
opened my eyes to the tragic realities of our 21st century Jewish
world, where there are Jews that have never heard of God, Shabbos, dare I say
even chulent! But the fact that there are people that have still not read my
weekly Insights and Inspiration, now that is truly an inexcusable tragedy of
nuclear proportions.
Now I can understand that some of the above
listed tragedies in the world may seem too great for simple every day
"yankels" like me and you to solve. We can't always finish all our
food, nor can we share internet with the world everywhere without being put
into excommunication being the cause of major demonstrations in Jerusalem and
Manhattan, or editorial columns in some Jewish newspapers. We may even feel
inadequate with sharing our chulent with the so many starving Jews out there
who think sushi is actually a hearty meal and that Chinese is a Jewish
dish-when really of course it is just left over Sukkah decoration, bamboo and
all that when ingested fills you with lots of air holes that require a good
plate of chulent or at least a shwarma to smash down and truly satisfy and
nourish a holy Jewish soul. But the weekly Schwartz E-Mail deficiency syndrome
is certainly something that each and every one of us can do something about. We
all have friends, neighbors, mother-in-laws, people we owe money to, and others
whose cars we sometimes just bump into when we are backing out of a tight
parking spot. Don't you think those people deserve some inspiration and a smile
each week as well? There is a whole industry out there of hallmark cards and
even E-Cards that are dedicated to sending out warm and fuzzy communications on
special occasions to people that you love, care for, or that you want to give
you a raise in salary. How about forwarding them a weekly E-Mail instead?
Better yet just send me their E-Mail addresses and I will subscribe them
without them ever knowing. It would be kind of like a Matan B'Seter for
you; an anonymous gift that Maimonides describes as being the highest form of
charity-although not specifically referring to my E-Mail.
I know that this may
seem like a daunting task for you. I know how hard it is for you to click on a
link. Our Shul bank account can testify to that as well. But think about the
great Purim story. Queen Esther also felt that she was not up to the task. Yet
Mordechai in his moving eternal words of inspiration to her encouraged her.
"Who knows maybe it is for this reason that you were chosen for royalty…
And if you do not do it you and your fathers house will perish" Isn't
that touching? It is one of those beautiful moments in the Book of Esther. But
really think about it. Everyone in the story has a role to play. Had Vashti not
been having a bad tail day, or if Haman had just worked things out with
Mordechai, or had the Jews not eaten from the feast of Rechnitz, I mean
Achashveirosh, there would never have been a Purim story. We would have no
excuse to get drunk and eat till we puke, get cute little baskets and have
Yeshiva students banging on our door asking us for money to support their
parents and grandparents in Kollel (which incidentally holds up the entire
world and the Israeli army and even the United States Marines). But everyone
played their part. The Jews were almost killed and then saved (for like the
millionth time in history). All because we knew what we had to do.
Now I know it may not be
easy to convince you to share this great little secret that we have with the
world. It's our little private thrill. But think of yourself like a JehoXXXva's
witness. Don't be selfish. Share the light and the love. Knock on doors. Print
up little cards and stick it on people's windshields. Put links and other
annoying things that scroll down on peoples E-Mails, google searches or
websites. Spam the world…make it a better place for you and for me and the
entire human race… there are people…OK enough (even Rebbetzin Michaela
Yankelson is singing about this). So to make this easier for you I have
dedicated this year's long awaited Rabbi Schwartz Top Ten List to…..drumroll…
THE TOP TEN REASONS TO READ THE RABBI SCHWARTZ WEEKLY INSIGHTS AND
INSPIRATION
10) It's Free. Do Jews need
a better reason that? Now I know that there are some non-Jews that are
receiving this as well. But after a while of reading this you are pretty much
Jewish already according to some new guidelines of the Rabbinic council of
Reconservastructionformadox Judaism and according to the Yated Open Orthodoxy
as well. To be safe though, if you fall in love with a Jewish woman and want to
marry her according to all opinions one should immerse themselves in the mikva
(preferably the Ari'Zl's, that a good tour guide can take you to- I happen to
know one), circumcise yourself and accept all the mitzvas in the Torah.
Although we are told Purim was like a second receiving of the Torah- so just
get drunk on Purim and donate here and that’s good enough as well.
9) You need a good excuse
to surf the internet at home. Currently there are many religious schools that
forbid this. They permit one to surf only for the purposes of earning a living
to support your children in Kollel, to attend demonstrations and to hang signs
on the wall. You are uncomfortable lying
about this unlike the rest of the parent body of the school. This is your way
out. "You need the internet in order to read Rabbi Schwartz's Weekly
E-Mail". This is a matter of life and death and it outweighs all the
mitzvos in the Torah and even some school Takanon rules as well.
8) You have a pretty boring
life. Your children listen to you and you have no favorites. You do not have a
shul to run, no tourist or Israeli stories and your toenails all grow straight.
You have a need to learn and live vicariously and experience the life and times
of "your friend in Karmiel". Just in order to appreciate your simple
existence in even more. You are also nervous that your children will ever
amount to much. This E-Mail gives you hope that even those guys that sit in the
back of the room and pretty much spent more time inside the principals office
then out can also one day turn out to be a rabbi our in some hicktown traveling
around the States until he finally ends up in Israel in a place no one has ever
heard of nudging people for money every week or for tours. OK maybe don't think
about that. It's nice just living it vicariously. See what I do for you…
7) I have a daughter to
marry off IY”H soon. This coming year I will be promoting her and our famous
family shamelessly in order to help solve the Shidduch crisis problem in Klal
Yisrael, by insuring that there will be at least one less girl on the market as
we search for her true Bashert-someone who will support her father in Kollel
and help his mother-in-law shlep luggage for sales across the country. Think
like the Bachelorette show and Achashveirosh's pageant minus the eunochs and
with some diveri torah in them as well. The more people that get this E-Mail
the wider exposure she will have-which they tell me is very important. So think
of this as fulfilling the mitzvah of Hachnasat Kallah as well.
6) You always wanted to tour Israel with Rabbi
Schwartz yet you cannot afford his exorbitant prices. You could barely afford
to donate or sponsor a weekly E-Mail. Yet why should you miss out on
experiencing some of that inspiration of the Holyland? Why shouldn’t you know
the “cool places in Israel”? Why shouldn’t you also get a chance to quiz (or
torture) your family on all the trivial questions that the ministry of tourism
forces its tour guides to learn (where did Jexsux go to the bathroom? What tree
is found in the sewers of Beit Guvrin? What did the Nabateans eat for breakfast
etc… ad nasueum). This weekly E-Mail gives you all of those deep insights and
more into the land of your heritage without ever having to step foot in it and
deal with those pushy Israelis and you won’t even have to buy Rabbi Schwartz
dinner at the end of the day at Decks. It's almost like fulfilling Yishuv Eretz
Yisrael while you still can have someone bag your groceries and not turn on a
switch 4 hours before you take a shower.
5) You are a Rabbi and need
a weekly sermon or an inspiring quote. You want your congregation to think you
have a sense of humor, are insightful and inspirational and that you actually
looked at the Torah portion before you got up to the podium. You are a Yeshiva
student and need a Dvar Torah for your Shabbos table to impress your parents
that you are learning something while in reality you were sleeping all week. You
have a Bar Mitzvah, Sheva Brachot a funeral or your aunt Tilly’s dogs third
yartzeit and they asked you to speak and you have no clue what to say. You are
the Prime Minister of Israel, the chief Rabbi or Supreme Court chief Justice or
for that matter even the President of the United States and you want to impress
the Jewish people that you actually care about them. Regularly reading this
E-Mail will train you and give you the necessary skills to adapt any silly
thing that happened in your life into some meaningful earth shattering anecdote
that somehow ties into the Torah portion. Especially if you throw in the words
“Divine” and “loving Father in heaven” a lot. If it doesn’t you could just
steal one of these and pass them off as your own. “Ha’Goneiv Min Ha’Ganav
Patur” (I’m not translating that)
4) You like to see cool
videos on YouTube, yet you certainly don’t want to waste your time surfing and
searching for them all day. You also have heard terrible things that are out
there on the internet and you don’t trust yourself to go through the cesspool
of human waste that it is posted out there on the World Wide Web. Rabbi
Schwartz, just like Nachshon Ben Avinadav that first Jew who jumped into the
Red Sea in order for it to split, has offered his soul up as a sacrifice for
his faithful readers spending hours upon end-ignoring his wife's many calls to
help with the children- scraping the bottom of the internet in order to find
the one or two kosher videos for you to watch with a clean conscience and a
holy soul. How awesome is that!
3) You are sitting in a
doctor’s office in what seems to be an endless line. You are at some shiur or
class that your wife made you go to and the speaker is just boring like heck
and you know it will not be polite to start snoring. Your stomach has the runs
and you have already read everything in the bathroom including
YaMishpachAmiBinOdia Press, and you have already checked your E-Mails, and have
no interest in checking out those silly newsblogs anymore and you know you’ve
got another 20 minutes at least before Asher Yatzar. Aren’t you glad you
subscribe to the 50 page weekly Insights to keep you occupied.
2) You enjoy Jewish mysticism
and Kabbala and you know that each letter in the weekly Insights are actually
acronyms for the deepest secrets in the universe (besides the jokes-they’re
just jokes). In fact if you read the E-Mail and record it and then play it
backwards one can hear the words “The Rebbe is dead and he is not Mashiach
either” played repeatedly as well as the Rebbetzins famous chulent recipe. Hidden
between the simple inspiring words are in fact concepts and principles that
when read and meditated upon can bring all types of salvations. There are
countless stories of miracles that have occurred from readers of this weekly
E-Mail. Barren women who have had children, singles finding their Bashert, poor
people suddenly finding a pot of gold buried under the homes, Israeli ministers
developing a conscience and Shani Schwartz passing her driver’s test, all as a
result of reading this E-Mail. Some have even reported receiving E-Mails that
have informed them of bank accounts they never knew about in Nigeria and lotto
winnings in the UK in their spam folders. Check it out. You may be amongst
them.
1)
And the number one reason to read Rabbi Schwartz’s weekly Insights
and Inspiration is… drumroll….
Guilt; that most powerful of all Jewish motivators. You know that
I check each week to see who is reading this. You know my mother is also very
interested in this as well and she is a nice lady. You haven’t donated to any
of my myriad of organizations that I have founded over the years (until they
fire me). You don’t really feel guilty about much else in your life on a
regular basis and you miss that warm fuzzy sense of Jewish guilt and shame that
all of your teachers, Rabbis and parents have embedded in you in your most
formative years. The weekly Inspiration from Rabbi Schwartz is guaranteed to
make you feel guilty each week. Guilty about not living in Israel, guilty about
not being high on God, Guilty about not loving Shabbos or chulent, guilty about
not being the perfect parent and spouse, guilty about being a vegetarian, a
liberal, a communist, a chariedi Jew, a religious Zionist, an American, a tea
party conservative, about being too religious or not religious enough. Guilty
about having once studied with me or taught me, having once hired or fired me,
or guilty about being related or even knowing me. We are dedicated and
committed to providing you with all the necessary guilt that not even a million
Yom Kippurs would ever atone for. Thank God there is Purim which is holier than
Yom Kippur and you can absolve that guilt with one great Purim Seuda. But until
next Purim subscribing to the weekly E-Mail is really the only means available
to make sure that you will have enough guilt to get drunk for in order to
celebrate the holiday properly.
So there you have it our Top Ten list of the year and the secret
to achieving world peace, inner tranquility and a portion in the World to Come.
I know that you, my faithful readers, do not require any additional reasons to
bear with me and read each week. It is really great to have you all on board
and meaningful (and surprising!) that you take your time out each week to spend
a few minutes or more with me. My Simcha/Joy is your simcha and may it be
Hashem’s will (our Divine Father in heavenJ) that all of our Simcha together will bring the
day that we have waited so long for with the coming of Mashiach and the final
return of the Shechina to Yerushalayim once again rebuilt.
Have an exuberantly joyous Purim,
Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz
*********************************
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S PURIM QUOTE
OF THE WEEK-
"Revach V'Hatzalah
ya'amod la'Yehudim Mimakom Acher."- A local volunteer paramedic when
asked how he could drink on Purim-
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S PURIM GEMATRIOT
OF THE WEEK-
So these are a few of
the funnier meaningless gematriot that are out there that I felt its important
to share with you
As long time readers of
this weekly E-Mail might remember or just douglas adams hitchikers guide fans
may know the answer to life the universe and everything is of course the number
42 which is of course the travels of the Jewish people but did you know that it
is also the gematria of Google 3+6+3+30=43
Now for those more
knowledgeable of you , you may have heard that Amalek the evil nation that
Haman was from and that we remember to destroy this Shabbos is the same
Gematria of Safek/doubt Amalek=
70+40+30+ 100=240 Safek=60+80+100=240 but did you know that Amalek is also the
Gematria of Dollar= 4+6+30+200 as well
as Mas Hachnasa (Israel income Tax authority) 40+60+5+20+50+60+5.
And finally for those of
you cannabis lovers that find getting drunk on alcohol to be challenging and
that try other forms of “highs” (not that there is any halachic basis for it)
420 is gematria of ashan/smoke non coincidentally of course.
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S PURIM
PLACES IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK-
The best place in Israel
to be on Purim is really where the best food, wine, music and dancing is. The
benefit of Israel is that we can do this twice! Once outside of Jerusalem and
other walled cities and once after we recover from our hangover in the cities
with walls around them. The reason for this custom with walls from the times of
Joshua is because after the first day of reveling people could barely walk in a
straight line. Then Joshua turned to Moshe after the first Purim that they
celebrated together and said "Moshe, this was fun let's do it again!"
Moshe said in words that Jews in Jerusalem celebrate until today "ARE YOU
OFF THE WALL?!" Joshua who always interpreted everything Moshe said quite seriously-understanding
that this was the word of Hashem derived that only those that were off the
wall-meaning from the top of the walls and without celebrated Purim on the 14th.
Those within the walls would celebrate on the 15th and could have
two days of Purim if they came off and within the walls" And that's the
other side of the story….
RABBI SCHWARTZ PURIM
YOUTUBE CLIPS OF THE WEEK
Lipa Shmeltzer "Charlie
Chaplin the reveal"
The Muppets- "the
haman remembrance"
AKA PELLA "What does
Haman say"
Israel purim street survey
(in Hebrew)
And last but not least
kinderlach chagiga (see if you can figure out where this is by the cameo
appearances) free hamantash to those that guess right!
RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TOUR
GUIDE EXAM QUESTIONS I WASN’T BUT SHOULD’VE BEEN ASKED OF THE WEEK
1) How soon is it to the
next bathroom stop? A: being as the last one was 10 minutes ago and I
repeatedly asked if anyone needs to go then…soon J
2) When can we eat? A:
Being that the last food break was 10 minutes ago and you are still chewing and
haven’t stopped noshing since we have gotten back in the car…soon J
3) What type of tree is
that? A: an avocado tree (all trees I do not know are avocado trees) Follow up
question- Why are there oranges growing from the avocado tree?
4) Is that really true?
A: No, after years in the Rabbinate and being involved in Jewish outreach work
as well as being a highly experienced tour guide I have become adept at making
up stories and sources at random intervals in order to pique your interest and
inspire you.
5) Are we supposed to
tip? A: Of course, especially the tour guide J
6) Is this dangerous? A:
No of course not, I wouldn’t knowingly take you anywhere dangerous. (Now only
if I knew where we are…where was that turn I was supposed to make again…)
RABBI SCHWARTZES
TERRIBLE PUNS FOR PURIM
1)
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher? she got fired
cause she couldn't control her pupils!
2)
During the war, my grandfather refused to fight in windy
countries. He was a draft dodger.
3)
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and
nail.
4)
When I backed into the meat grinder yesterday at my butcher
shop, I got a little behind in my work!
5)
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
6)
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been
stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
7)
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought
she'd dye.
8)
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
9)
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that
said 'Keep off the Grass'
10)
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the
hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
*************************************
Note: Inslights & Perspiration is sent to e-mail addresses that have been submitted to Rabbi Schwartz by your worst enemies. To unsubscribe at any time thereby insulting us, shaming your parents and all that Jews have perished for thousand of years in wars for, send an e-mail to rabbschwartzwillignorethis@shushanhabira.com with the words "unsubscribe insights" in the Subject line and/or the first line of text. We will probably not unsubscribe you and will send you tons of spam offering you all types of Mortgage opportunities and pills at discounted prices that you should never have to take. All of the above is obviously a spoof and Mazel Tov on making it to the bottom of this email.
Note: Inslights & Perspiration is sent to e-mail addresses that have been submitted to Rabbi Schwartz by your worst enemies. To unsubscribe at any time thereby insulting us, shaming your parents and all that Jews have perished for thousand of years in wars for, send an e-mail to rabbschwartzwillignorethis@shushanhabira.com with the words "unsubscribe insights" in the Subject line and/or the first line of text. We will probably not unsubscribe you and will send you tons of spam offering you all types of Mortgage opportunities and pills at discounted prices that you should never have to take. All of the above is obviously a spoof and Mazel Tov on making it to the bottom of this email.
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