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Inslights and Perspiration
from the
Holy Gland
from
Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz
"Your tour-guide, Rabbi, mortgage broker, clothing sales shlepper
and most importantly your friend in Karmiel"
March 4th 2015 -Volume 5, Issue 18 -13th of Adar
5774
PURIM-OR THE DAY AFTER NETANYAHU’S ADRESS
To Jew or not to Jew that is the….Top Ten List
So I was in the States a few weeks ago,
for those of you who have been bored enough to be following the life and
times of Ephraim Schwartz which are covertly hidden in what a purports to
be a weekly Torah E-Mail, in case your boss or wife-which in some cases
is one and the same- is looking over your shoulder asking you why you’re
not doing the jobs they asked you. “Oh I’m learning the Parsha”
you say. Some of you even fool yourselves into thinking that the reading
of my jokes and stories absolves you of your obligation to review the
weekly portion. That only works if you read it twice with targum
translation though. Anyways you faithful know that I was in the States,
the rest of you shame on you!
While I was there it struck me how
American everyone is there. Not the goyim, they were mostly Mexican and
Russians, I mean the Jews. Everyone had their nice big comfortable
American cars, or mini-vans and gas guzzling Suburbans with not a care
that some of us here suffer with French made cars and American knockoffs
that still have to pay 7 dollars a gallon for gas. There were like a
million restaurants all American of course I mean Mexican, Italian, and
Israeli American and of course your good old Kosher fast food BBQ joints
all packed. Bagels, Bialys, Danishes and real doughnuts. Papers were all
in English-although some of the chareidi ones could work on their English
a bit (as if I’m one to talk...). There was American flags on people’s
doors and bumper stickers, people were talking about American sports and
politics shows and music. It was strange coming from our very Jewish
country to see how acclimated and assimilated everyone seemed to be. It
made me think about our history. The glatt kosher restaurants and
newspapers our people had in Germany before the war, in Spain before the
Inquisition in France before the Crusades. How French, Spanish and German
our people must have felt. Like it was paradise to go on forever.
Truth is the same thing even happened
before medieval times the times of the Temple, there were Jews felt more
Greek than the Greeks and more Roman than the Romans. Till they started
to burn our Temple and kill us that is. That always seems to put a damper
on our attempts at assimilation. Each new society mind-bogglingly enough
failed to learn from their predecessors and though that “this time it
will be different”, “this place is better” and the always
popular “Never Again!” 60-70 years of no one trying to kill us
generally does that to us. Now Hashem knows that history was never our
strong subject, he chose us for our good looks our chulent making skills
and for some reason our chiropractically incurable stiff-necked-ness. He
also knew about our proclivity for liking to eat big meals regularly. So
instead of making us sit through history classes regularly he gave us
holidays so that we would hopefully remember some of the fun events that
happened over our 3000 year existence. Hey its spring time eat some
cracker like substance over a big meal without bread and remember
something about Egypt and slaves. Hey its winter let’s eat some oily
pancakes and doughnuts and remember something about Greeks. It’s the heat
of the summer let’s not eat and remember a Temple or two burnt by the
Romans and Babylonians. This time of year we are told to eat a lot of
candy and cake and drink ourselves into a stupor to remember the last
established holiday while we were in exile in pre-nuclear Iran (thank you
very much Mr. Netanyahu for reminding the US congress and boosting
yourself in the polls too bad you’re not running in American elections.
It sounds like you would be a shoo-in). We had a big party while we were
assimilating there and then we were saved and most Jews decided that’s
not too bad and decided to stay there for the entire second Temple
period. Sadly they disappeared as most of our people have if the goyim
don’t kill us and exile us fast enough. Sighhh…
I know, I know you’re sick of these
anti-living-outside-of-Israel rants. As if Israel was like the only place
Hashem promised the Jews should live or something. C’mon get a life.
Where would Israel be without Jews in AIPAC paying off people in congress
to clap when Netanyahu speaks? I know it’s getting old already. I mean I
would probably hate reading me by now when I lived in America. Mashiach
is not here yet. Israel is not perfect…not even close. So stay in
America…enjoy the bagels. Just use me as tour guide when you come visit
and bring some bags of clothing for my wife as well. But in order to help
you exist in the United States of America and not assimilate I decided
out of the goodness of my heart and burning in my chest (I just had
meatballs for supper) to dedicate this year’s annual Top Ten List to give
you a nice handy list to keep in your pocket at all times to remind you
why it’s better to be a Jew than a Non-Jew. Now many of you, my precious
readers, I know are very religious, despite the fact that many of you
would find it easier to sacrifice your son on altar to Baal rather than
move to Israel. Some of you go to the Mikva regularly and fool yourself
that you’re now pure enough to last a lifetime albeit in what the Talmud
calls the land of impurity. You’re not too worried about your children
assimilating and leaving the path of Torah tradition because your Rabbi
told you that that only happens to people who move to Israel when their
kids are “the wrong ages” never in Lakewood, Boro Park or any other
religious community in “God’s other promised land”. But who knows maybe
they’re wrong. It certainly doesn’t hurt to have something worthwhile
that you can hand to your children as you try to explain to them why it
is worth giving up all the “wonderful things a true blue goyishe life can
afford them, although it is not enough to that they should pick up their
family ever and move to Israel for. So here it is my dear readers who
have not yet unsubscribed…
RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TOP TEN REASONS WHY IT IS BETTER TO BE A JEW THAN
NOT
10) Chulent. Yes, that
wonderful food that no goy has ever been able to make and that most can’t
even imagine eating. They can try making some type of bean stew, but they
could never leave it cooking over night or over two nights as we in the
Schwartz house like to put ours up on Thursday already so we can have
chulent for breakfast Erev Shabbos. It is truly the gift that keeps
giving and giving and giving until you have it again the next week. Yes
chulent alone is a good enough reason to be Jewish
9) Jewish music-
especially since I started composingJ. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy some goyishe
music here and there. But there’s nothing like a good Jewish niggun
to raise your soul. Or a kumzitz when twenty yeshiva guys who have had
way too much chulent sit around in a small room with candle singing their
hearts aflame like coyotes crooning to the moonlight. It’s really
beautiful, goyim don’t do that. They just have the Karaoke thing and you
have to be pretty drunk to do that.
8) Jewish dancing- kind
of a continuation of the above. But goyim have all these complicated
dances and moves and they’re pretty much trying to impress and feel up
the opposing gender as much as possible in the process. It’s kind of like
a mating call for them. Jewish dancing is all about the opposite of that,
its about getting sweaty while shuffling around in a circle squished
together next to someone who smells worse than you and then running
around faster and faster until you have a cardiac arrest. Its really
quite fun. The best is the guys that break loose from that tight death
clamp of a circle to get to the middle and they flap and flail they’re
hands and feet around as they look like they are having some type of
horizontal epileptic attack. This is fun Jewish style. A non-Jew will
never get too experience this.
7) Shnorrers/Jewish
beggars- Non- Jews that can’t or won’t work go homeless. They sleep on
street corners outside subway stations and heat themselves by the steam
coming up from the manholes. Jews, even the ones that can work are never
homeless, they just run around town in the morning from synagogue to synagogue
harass people enough while they are praying until they pay them to go
away and then they go back to their fancy homes and live another day.
Along the way they enjoy some nice hot coffee and snacks that many
synagogues provide. It’s a wonderful way of life for many. Gentiles don’t
have that luxury. The nice part as well is that the Jews that give the
charity feel good about it as well, because it’s a mitzvah in fact one
that promises a return by Hashem Himself. So it’s a win-win all around.
6) Jewish Geography-Two
goyim meet in an airport one does not turn to the next one and say “Shalom
Aleichem my name is Bob. What’s yours? Where are you from? Oh Atlanta, do
you know Frank?” They each read their own newspapers and much on
their trayf sandwiches. Not so our family. Every Jew knows someone, who
knows someone that you must know. They want to tell you about that
connection. And another one and another one. Jews never get stranded
anywhere. Everyone knows someone somewhere that would have no problem putting
him up for Shabbos. And worse comes to worst there’s always Chabad. Motel
6 is for gentiles. We always have the Shabbos lights on for you.
5) Israel- whether you
live here or not, only Jews can experience the sense of coming home that
occurs when one comes to the Holy Land surrounded by your people, your
army, your holy and historic places. Greeks can go visit their “old
country” Germans can enjoy a good knockwurst at their old German
hangouts, but only Jews no matter where they’re from will feel their
souls uplifted even as they are being ripped off at the shuk, or yelled
at by a taxi driver. Just to have that sense even once in your life that
your ancestors longed for for thousands of years is something that
someone who is not a MOT will ever get.
4) Kosher- not that it
tastes any better than non-kosher food. In fact many people that were not
raised on kosher and then started a kosher lifestyle have told me that
they still miss some of those creepy crawly bottom feeders or some good
“other white meat”. I don’t mean kosher cuisine as well or Jewsuine I
should say like Gefilte Fish, Kugel, Matzah Ball soup, lukshen, or
schmaltz herring. Goyim can get that as well, although they probably
won’t appreciate it much more than chulent. I mean the joy of knowing
that everything you put in your mouth is GOD approved. It’s right for
your soul. There is also nothing more exciting and exhilarating than
being stuck out in some fardurbeneh place and as you look from
aisle to aisle all of a sudden you come upon a jar of Manishevitz
something or other or some Empire chicken or even a kosher restaurant.
That is a pleasure that a non-Jew can never appreciate.
* true story- the Schwartz family was
camping out in Zig Zag (that’s really its name) Oregon one summer and sure
enough in the local grocery in this little hick town under the ethnic
food section they had not only cans and jars of every imaginable kosher
food from soup croutons to borsht but they even had boxes and boxes of
hand made shmura matza, for a dollar a box! We’re probably the
only family that came home with more food than we left with…J
3) Shabbos-Goyim have
Sunday, they mow the lawn and fix their cars and go to the mall. Whoopee
doo… We have Shabbos. We eat, pray, sleep eat some more, sleep some more
and we sing with the family around the table a lot. We do this every
single week. It’s heavenly. The truth is I really don’t do the sleep
thing that much or very well anymore, certainly not during the week. I
think I used up all my sleeping points in my high school and yeshiva
years. But Shabbos comes around and I’m out like a light on the couch
after our multi-course meal of a million salads, fish, soup, chicken, kugels
leafy salads my wife always puts on my plate, for decoration I think, and
of course sunflower seeds a bissele cake and tea for desert. Goyim
only get to exercise their stomach muscles like that on thanksgiving. We
do it every week. But it’s also so incredibly holy. No phones, no computers,
no business or work except for Rabbis like me that have to prepare and
give their sermons- but that’s a labor of love for me at least- although
some of my congregants might feel otherwise. It’s a day of bliss. One
that non-Jews are even prohibited by Jewish law from fully observing. If
you could only be Jewish for one day a week. Pick Shabbos
2) Torah study- now
until recently this had an added benefit of getting one out of Israeli
military service. All you had to do was register in a yeshiva attend
classes and live in poverty for the rest of your life. From what some of
my parents friends told me it helped quite a few get out of active
service in Vietnam as well in the US. Talk about shared traditions and
values Mister Netanyahu. But the truth is for anyone that has ever
engaged in serious Torah study it is perhaps one of the most fantastic
experiences one can ever have. We’re not just reading some silly novels
about changing thrones or witches that play some silly English ball games
on brooms, nor are we studying laws, history or Bible. Jewish Torah study
is literally like listening to a tape recording of works on thought,
history, spirituality, ethics, and morality with all kinds of neat
stories, parables and hidden messages from thousands of years of Jewish
sages. All incidentally passing down traditions and ideas that we’re
given to us by God Himself on Sinai. When we pray, a Rabbi once told me,
we are talking to God, but when we study Hashem is talking to us. Now how
awesome is that! Even more awesome though is that if you get really good
at the Torah study thing, you can eventually become a teacher yourself.
In fact you’re meant to become. All Jews were given the mandate to teach
the world that wisdom. The really good ones even figure out a way to make
a living out of it. Maybe become a rabbi that doesn’t have to be a tour
guide as well to pay his bills or beg each week in his weekly E-Mails.
Who knows? The sky is the limit. But once again this is an opportunity
that is only open to the people of the Book.
1) And the number one
reason why its better to be a Jew than not is... drumroll....
Miracles- yup. Miracles. Goyim have
miracles too, don’t get me wrong. Not any of the baloney made-up yoshki
or muchamed stuff, but Hashem breaking the laws of nature to take care of
his children; and all mankind is His children. But the Jewish people are
like the kings of miracles. Our entire existence after 3000 years of
everyone and his horse trying to kill us is nothing short of pure
unadulterated extraordinary Divine manipulation. It doesn’t make any
sense otherwise. The fact that we haven’t assimilated and disappeared
despite our various really try-hard-to-dump this chosen-people-thing time
and time again and generation after generation, but have been
unsuccessful is only because Hashem inevitably steps in and somehow finds
a way to protect us from ourselves. Being Jewish means that one is
connected to Hashem and to the Master Plan of Creation. We are the
world’s miracles, because the world needs to see miracles to appreciate
the Divine, to tap into the ultimate goodness of a God-filled life. So
being Jewish means being part of a miraculous existence and that my
friends truly rocks!
So there you have it our Top Ten list
of the year. I know there were many things that I left out that were
equally important. Jewish wives, Jewish Mothers, Jewish children and of
course Rabbi’s sermons, kiddushes, Jewish politics, the joys of Yiddish,
Teshuva/repentance. But hey God had a lot of commandments and yet
only shared Ten as well to start off with as we stood on Mt. Sinai. The
rest of course we are meant to study and find for ourselves. Much of the
other reasons can actually be found in this E-Mail’s numerological Gematria
values and its Midrashic accompaniment. Much more can be
discovered if you read this by your Purim feast and finish off the bottle
sitting in front of you. Regardless Perhaps the last and greatest reason
to appreciate our yiddishkeit is because god-willing very soon Mashiach
will be here. It will be quite embarrassing if you threw it away like the
day before he comes. Almost as embarrassing as the fact that you chose
bagels and customer service over living in God’s chosen land. Sorry I
couldn’t resist one last line. But really drink a LChaim- Cheers to being
Jewish and God willing very soon the whole world will be drinking
together with us as we welcome Hashem and you back forever to Our Home.
Have an exuberantly joyous Purim,
Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz
(PS For previous years funny Purim
Rabbi Schwartz's Top Ten List click on the link below
(Top ten reasons to use Rabbi Schwartz as a tour guide)
(Top ten symbols suggestions for
israel's government ministries)
(Top Ten reasons to read Rabbi
Schwartzes weekly E-Mail)
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RABBI SCHWARTZ'S YIDDISH QUOTE OF THE WEEK-
"Odem yesodo meofer vesofo leofr,” beyno—lveyno iz gut a
trink bronfn.."- A man comes from the dust and in the
dust he will end”—and in the meantime it is good to drink whiskey
And one more
“Az men krigt zikh miten rov, muz men sholem zein miten shainker”- If you’re in a fight with your rabbi,
make peace with your bartender
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S MIDRASH OF THE WEEK-
The megilla tells us the story of Purim but the midrash Ephraim
shares with us the reasons behind the story. Why were the Jews punished
so our Parsley Sages (Rose married Time) explained it was because the
Jews ate from the feast of Achashveirosh. Now the problem with eating at
the feast and the diabolical plot all revolved around the fact that Haman
knew the Jews could never turn down a free meal. Especially a kosher one.
Some Jews actually came just for the photo-op on the Persian Rose Garden.
They would actually sell their grandmothers down the tubes for that
opportunity. Those Jews eventually ran for the Israeli Knesset. But
anyways back to our story. The Jews ate for free. They got so accustomed
to that when the vessels of the Temple were brought out they got used to
attending Temple for free as well and not paying Synagogue dues. Even
worse than that when Haman bribed the king with 10,000 shekels to kill
the Jews. The Jews didn’t’ even try counter-bribing. I mean c’mon 10,000
sheks is only about $3000. My shul costs more to run than that. But the
Jews sadly had become accustomed to a free ride. They couldn’t even save
themselves. Maybe they figured if they had a Jew from the tribe of
Binyamin (also known as Bibi) go speak in front of congress or the UN and
a lot of gentiles clapped that would be enough and they wouldn’t have to
pay anything. But it didn’t work. Finally Esther decrees a fast. Now when
Jews don’t eat we realize it must be serious. When it’s for three days it’s
really serious. So We did Teshuva. We contributed to needy families in
Israel/particularly those in the North and Hashem saved us. The
conclusion of the story is that Hashem put into place a new system in
Persia and for all of Jewish life. He had the King declare taxes. Those
taxes would of course have exemptions for charitable giving kind of like
the 401c3 that we enjoy here for all checks made payable to American
Friends of Young Israel and mailed to me. The Jews thus realized that
they should always give tzedaka because if not the tax man will take it
away. The End of the Megilla with its Midrashic interpertation
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S COOL AND UNCOOL THINGS OF THE WEEK TO DO IN ISRAEL-
COOL-Get out of your car and pray on the side of the road
UNCOOL- doing it next to someone who also stopped to take a leak
COOL- burying your head into the Wailing Wall and praying to Hashem
after putting in a letter
UNCOOL- sticking in a piece of gum your chewing into the crack so
that the cool guy’s hair gets stuck
COOL- Stopping your car in the middle of the highway to get out and
dance with some wacky breslaver chasidim
UNCOOL- letting the air out of their tires while they’re not looking
COOL- taking out an Uzi and blasting the heck out of some stupid
terrorists that have just thrown rocks at your car that are trying to
kill you and your family.
UNCOOL-driving off sighing and calling the police to help out the
situation.
COOL-voting in Israeli elections and arguing with everyone you meet
about why their particular party stinks.
UNCOOL-actually believing that anyone that is running for office in
this country will not rob you blind and can be counted on to offer any
type of protection or security from arabs or nations that will try to
destroy us.
COOL- having a talented Rabbi, Author, composer, Kiruv professional, restaurant
and wine connoisseur with the first name Ephraim and the last name
Schwartz be your tour guide in Israel.
UNCOOL- having anyone else or at least the people that don’t give me
a commission for recommending me J
RABBI SCHWARTZ PURIM YOUTUBE CLIPS OF THE WEEK
Vnahapoch Hu New tune
coolest IDF megilla reading!
cool Chabad Purim invitation
shlomo carlebach purim kumzitz
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTIONS I WASN'T BUT SHOULD'VE
BEEN ASKED OF THE WEEK
1) How soon is it to the next bathroom stop? A: being as the last one
was 10 minutes ago and I repeatedly asked if anyone needs to go
then...soon J
2) When can we eat? A: Being that the last food break was 10 minutes
ago and you are still chewing and haven't stopped noshing since we have
gotten back in the car...soon J
3) What type of tree is that? A: an avocado tree (all trees I do not
know are avocado trees) Follow up question- Why are there oranges growing
from the avocado tree?
4) Is that really true? A: No, after years in the Rabbinate and being
involved in Jewish outreach work as well as being a highly experienced
tour guide I have become adept at making up stories and sources at random
intervals in order to pique your interest and inspire you.
5) Are we supposed to tip? A: Of course, especially the tour
guide J
6) Is this dangerous? A: No of course not, I wouldn't knowingly take
you anywhere dangerous. (Now only if I knew where we are...where was that
turn I was supposed to make again...)
RABBI SCHWARTZES TERRIBLE PUNS FOR PURIM
So Yankel turns to his friend and tells him about his visit to
the doctor this past week.
“The doctor said he has to limit my drinking. I can only drink one
shot a day”
“So how are you doing with it”
“Not bad, I’m already about July 7th 2055!”
So the Israeli Knesset member turns to his fellow Knesset member and
asked him if he fasted Yom Kippur this past year. The Jew answers no, why
should he fast he hasn’t stolen all year around.
“What a freyer you are?” He tells him “In order not to fast one day,
you don’t steal all year!”
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