InTights and Infirmation
from the
Hairy Land
from
Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz
"Your Composter, Arthour, s-collar, chulent aficionado, Bore-guide and Rubble and fund-raising friend in Karmiel"
from the
Hairy Land
from
Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz
"Your Composter, Arthour, s-collar, chulent aficionado, Bore-guide and Rubble and fund-raising friend in Karmiel"
March 23rd 2014 -Volume highest 10, Tissue 3 Ply -12th of Adar 5776
Purim/Tzav
Rabbi Schwartz's annual Top Ten List...
Purim 2016 Shushan Take II
It’s been a crazy year. Last year at this time of year Israel was in election mode. As everybody was running around clamoring to find the clown-didate and party that would bring our country peace and prosperity, security fences. Party being the key word it seems. Of course that most important-pressing issue whether black hatted-yeshiva guys go to the army or not. Because that is certainly the biggest impediment to peace in the Mid-East. I mean we all know what great soldiers these guys would make. These guys can certainly out-learn any of those predators that are running around our streets.
The United States at that time was of course busy with much more important issues as well. At the forefront was whether it should be a crime or not to beat up innocent African American drivers while the Secretary of State is blowing up US embassies from her private E-Mails. On the side that they were permitted to beat them up the next question was whether they should be entitled to free universal health care or not that doctors and other rich people should pay for. After all their ancestors centuries ago enslaved these people. And only the Jews should be enslaved without any entitlement or right to a land of their own.
This year has been a bit of V’Nahapoch Hu- A switch around. The United States is the one in full election mode dealing with important issues such as security fences around their borders that would prevent people the ability from visiting their hubcaps every once in a while (Jackie Mason’s line- I can’t take credit). As well the Unites States is grappling how different the next president should be from the previous one. It seems that at this point everyone seems to feel that he should be white, although Trump looks a bit orange around the edges. Some feel the time has come for them to elect a woman, but since Bill Clinton is not running, they figured they should perhaps go with the next closest thing to a woman, his sometimes wife Hillary. Others however feel that since the whole country seems to be following the footsteps of Israel with its insane politics already, they might as well just vote for a Jew already. They have a point in that. I mean the only real world leader left today is Putin who pretty much wipes out anyone he wants to. Americans admire that. The US/Russia competitive thing has been going on for a long time. So many Americans figure the best way to beat them is if we put our own communist in office. Karl Marx wasn’t available so we’ve got another good yeedle, with a nice Jewish name like Boinie. The question of course is will that mean there will be chulent in the White House?
Israel this year though is dealing with its own significant issues. It’s a hard time for our country. You can see that by opening up the daily newspapers. Most headlines the past few months in the secular newspapers are talking about how the Kotel should allow prayer services for women with Torahs and pink Tallits-which is certainly better then pink Torahs. This is a significant issue, because there are like ten of these women in Israel and they feel kind of left out. In addition there might be more soon, because if Trump wins, who knows how many American pink Jews might come to the Holy land. Canada is too busy taking Syrian refugees, there may not be enough room there for the mass exodus from the States.
Another key issue is that religious soldiers should have to shave off their beards, this makes sense as well, because to a large degree the soldier’s job is to merely point out the offending terrorist to a civilian security guard so that he may kill him, as the Soupcreme Crud has ruled that no soldiers should do that themselves. Sweden might get upset by that, and we know how important not offending the Swedes is. They might even sic Bork-de Bork that chef from the Muppets on us. Now if the soldier has a beard, the civilian may have a hard time making out what he is saying. And anyways they might naturally be hesitant taking orders from a religious soldier. Who knows what he might tell him next, maybe to vote for Gimmel or shutdown his Facebook account. Along the same lines there is also major concern in this country about the outbreak of violence when Jews try to defend themselves against knife attacks, whether they should read the offending terrorist his Miranda rights in Arabic before he puts a bullet in his or her head. Perhaps the arab is just trying to give the Israeli a haircut, or cut his falafel for him. These are things that we should find out before we shoot them. Haircuts are expensive in this country. Unless you’re a former Prime Minister, President, Chief Rabbi or mayor of Jerusalem who receive theirs for free when they go to prison.
The religious newspapers on the other hand are very concerned with rumors that there are people that are using iPhones and are part of illegal whatsapp groups that are not Glatt Kosher certified and Chalav Yisrael. This is a problem, because obviously if they have I-phones they should not be allowed into any schools nor should they be allowed to marry off their children. And there is certainly not enough money to start new schools for all of these children or marriages for the trayf phone-holders; only America has 7 foot tall philanthropists that sing songs favored by Ukranian choirs that can pay for this. The religious sefardic newpapers have their hands full as well as they seek to determine who the real representative of Sefardic Jewry should be. Personally I think they should just have a matbucha making contest or an Araq drinking match. The Ashkenazic Jewish community, so as not be left out of the fun have their own major fights going on as well; Jerusalem or Bnai Brak which is the real holy city? Which Rabbi and Rosh Yeshiva should be the true Daas Torah for Klal Yisrael-as only Ashkenazim truly have the right to this title, obviously. Again I think this could be resolved with a simple Shtender throwing contest, or a poster hanging contest-which team can plaster a wall with excommunications the quickest. But no one seems to be asking me. Probably because of my phone...
And Hashem? He’s pretty much just crying about the whole state of affairs. Don’t my children realize that they are being killed in the streets daily? Don’t they see that these animals that are loose in their cities are not discriminating based on Kippa size, head or hat covering, religious or political affiliation or party, region of the country or even the world that we are living in? When are we going to wake up, when will the world wake up and realize that there’s a problem that will only be eradicated if we can see beyond our differences and unite to destroy the descendants of Haman? Hello-oh is anyone home down there?
Which brings us to this year’s Top Ten list. Hashem has decided to try to wake up and convince the Jewish people to get our act together, by orchestrating that world events should pretty much be similar to what they were 2300 years ago back in the times of Mordechai Esther Achashverosh, Haman and of course Charvona Zachur LaTov; that last pre-Temple return and building era. It’s Purim 2016 today. Not everybody has the incredible deep and penetrating Kabbalistically oriented and Chullently inspired insight that your “friend in Karmiel” has. So this year I have dedicated my annual Top Ten List to reveal and share with you the.....drumroll....
TOP TEN WAYS THE STATE OF THE WORLD TODAY IS THE STORY OF PURIM-ALL OVER AGAIN
1) Evil king of Persia threatens to wipe Jews off the face of the earth....Anyone paying attention to Bibi Netanyahu’s nuclear Iran red lines, besides a Bibi-happy congress. Persia is Iran for those that don’t know. That was pretty easy.
2) Haman, the guy who gets elected to Achashverosh’s palace, and who hopes one day to usurp him, had a thing for throwing the dice, lotteries and gambling. Ummm anyone out there know of anyone who made a lot of money in the casino business? I’ll give you a hint. He’s got the same letters as PURIM in his name if you replace the ‘I’ with a ‘T’.
3) Next up, you’ve got this woman out there with an “ee” sound at the end of her name whose husband who is the king likes to party and orgy a lot. She only sticks with him because she’s pretty sure that she’s better than him. Her day will come. She is a pretty big feminist and feels the need to stand up for women around the world, let them know that just because their husband cheats on them with every intern, doesn’t mean that you should leave him if there is a chance that you will one day be able to have your head held high. Yeah, she got her wish all right. Her head was strung up pretty high. Vashti I was talking about, why who did you think I was referring to?
4) Now after the King knocks off his wife, he needs a new one. Who better to go to then this Casino-magnate adviser that he has. After-all he’s been through a few wives and models before. He advises the King to do the other thing that he is good at, Reality TV shows where you ‘interview’ the candidates until you narrow it down the one that will make the best ‘Apprentice’ to you.
5) The next scene of course is that it seems that there are a lot of people that are rallying around these new leaders, some of them even turn quite violent. Even the Jews join the parties. Some of them for 180 days or more. Some of them (The Newer-and smaller State of- Israel Fund) willing to even sell out the Temple mount, the place where the Temple once stood in the process, by “eating off” the politically correct vessels we were merely occupying. Yet there’s one Jew associated with tribe of Benjamin, or Bibi as his brothers didn’t call him. Who decides the party is not for him. He’s not bowing down, unless of course they offer him a Nobel peace prize or his wife can get some recycling bottles she collects. He stares at a lot of people silently in the UN. He draws these graffiti like red lines all over the place-erasing all the previous Na Nach Nachman scribblings that were there previously. And he raises the prices of cottage cheese. But nobody really seems to care He’s Bibi and we love him....everyone that is but the Dark Lord in Washington. (I had to get in some Star Wars mention here...)
6) This Benjaminite wants to get an appointment with the leader of the not- so-free World back then, Achashverosh- who interestingly enough according to the Midrash had a spurious and suspicious lineage. It seems that he was a stable boy (in Nigeria?) for Nevuchadnezzar. Anyways it seems that the King refuses to meet with him. Although the press secretary reassured everyone that there was no personal animosity between the two. Hmmmm...sounds familiar? Seems like the Amalekites have no problem meeting with this King/President. Maybe he just loves Persia/Iran too much...
7) So the King pretty much sells out the Jews to the entire world, and all the NATIONs seem pretty UNITED on the notion that there will be no more Jews left. It’s a pain in the neck for them to keep passing these resolutions all the time against the Jews. It’s time to get back to the important business of....ummm what else do they do? So their knives start sharpening, their scissors are snapping, and they are stock piling their rocks and nuclear weapons. And private E-Mails that describe the ultimate destruction of the Jewish people and a mass collaboration with our enemies went out rapidly from the Secretary of State Departments private E-Mail. You’ve heard this story before right? Now what?
8) Now there’s one Jew, a former Kibbutznik, who felt that the only solution for the Jewish people was to marry a nice Catholic girl who kind of looks like Zeresh and then take all the money away from the wealthy people and give it to the poor people. This didn’t really have anything to do with the global threat of terror facing our nation, but it just sounded like a fun idea that would distract everyone from the looming threat. Lots of poor people agreed with him. After-all charity is an important Jewish solution to up-coming attempted Genocide. He didn’t realize of course that there were a lot of rich Jews as well and that it would pretty much be stealing from them. Now he figured if he spoke in his native Russian language, they wouldn’t recognize his plan. Little did he know the rich Jews knew Yiddish and pretty much figured it out. The plot was revealed and it was recorded in the Books that were National Best Sellers “The Audacity of Dope” and “It Takes a Pillage”.
9) So finally a Jewish woman gets up. Her name is Esther. Esther her second name, known only to those of us who were her children in Detroit was Baila. She is a very inspiring person and has an interesting way of ‘motivating her progeny. I still have a hard time sitting down. She decides that the only solution is if we all join together and pray. We should fast on her behalf and she’ll take care of all the problems as Hashem will help us. Now Esther, wasn’t generally known for encouraging fasting. She serves huge meals with lots of healthy foo like chicken livers, schmaltz soup, and hot dogs with scrambled eggs called Lecho- which is the sound some people made an hour later. The only time we didn’t eat was when we were sent to bed without dinner- the ultimate Schwartz threat. Despite that fact that there were starving people in Ethopia that would appreciate our food more then we would. But I’ve gotten distracted down nostalgia lane. Unfortunately, the people start to debate, where they should pray. Some suggest Robinson’s arch, others say that’s not really the Kotel. Other people say let’s go to our forefathers graves in Hebron and of course all the anti-settlers as well as the frightened American tourists refuse to go there. The Bnai Brak people all refuse to come to Jerusalem, the Jerusalem people refuse to go to Bnai Brak. The next debate is who should lead the services. Should he be allowed to own an I-Phone, what newspapers does he subscribe to? Who did he vote for in the elections? How could he have voted? What Nusach should be prayed; Ashkenaz, Sefard, Ar”I, maybe Carlebach? Also the concept of fasting for three days isn’t really selling well. After-all many stores are complaining that although they are opened on Shabbat and holidays, they are already closed on Yom Kippur and that is devastating enough for their businesses. The Chasidim are concerned with what they will eat after the fast. Things are not going well...How will this Purim story end?
So here we are. We are up to the 10th similarity between Purim 2300 years ago and today
10) There the story of the salvation of the Jewish people started when the Non-Jewish wicked King married Queen Esther. This year the salvation of the Jewish people will as well begin with a wedding. This time it is a wedding of Shoshana to Yaakov- both are Jewish incidentally. At this wedding Jews of all stripes will come from all over the world to celebrate. For the night we will forget all of our differences and just party and celebrate the creation of a new holy family in Israel. The wedding will take place-B’Chutzot Yerushalayim- as that great prophecy of Isaiah was about the time of redemption- Od Yeshoma bi’arei Yehudah u’vchutzot Yerushalayim- It will be heard once again in the cities of Judah and the outskirts of Jerusalem- Kol sason v’kol simcha kol chatan vkol kalla- the sound of happiness and rejoicing the sound of the bride and the groom. Hashem looks down on this joyous festive occasion and smiles and celebrates with us. He even gets a big kick that there’s chulent there as well. He says, Y’see I knew you could get this right. I knew that my children could come home. You could all get along. You could sing songs to My name. Let’s go build the Temple. I’m ready to come home.
The Jews sing Shoshanat Yaakov, after the finish reading Megilas Schwartz-which is pretty long-although there are some that just skip down to the jokes and others that leave early and make an early Minyan before the speech. It’s the first time that they understood that this song was always about that ultimate wedding of Shoshana and Yaakov. Our sages tell us that when Mashiach comes all of the other holidays will become null. Only the holiday of Purim will remain. A Jewish wedding is forever. This is the holiday when we all become one with another. The wealthy, the poor, our friends and our neighbors we are all giving gifts and exchanging packages. We are all dressed up because the externalities don’t make a difference any more. We are wedded to our Father in Heaven as we receive and accept His Torah once again. This love if forever and thsu Purim is forever. May Hashem see to it that this Purim is the first as Jews redeemed once again in our Temple.
Have an exuberantly joyous Purim,
Rabbi Ephraim ben Esther Baila Schwartz
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(PS For previous years funny Purim Rabbi Schwartz's Top Ten List click on the link below
(Top ten reasons to use Rabbi Schwartz as a tour guide)
(Top ten reasons to use Rabbi Schwartz as a tour guide)
(Top ten reasons to read Rabbi Schwartzs Email)
(Top Ten reasons why its better to be a Jew then not)
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Thanks
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PURIM SCHEDULE
Maariv followed by megilla-6:10 PM
PURIM MORNING
SHACHARIS 8:00 AM FOLLOWED BY MEGILLA
SHABBOS PARSHAS TZAV/ ZACHOR AND PURIM
Candlelighting 6:27 PM
Friday Evening Services- 6:40 PM
(or whenever the minyan decides
to show up hopefully before shekia)
Shabbos Morning Services - -8:30 AM
if you want to hear Rabbi Schwartz
recite Brachos
Borchu for most people, although there -9:00 AM
are quite a few just getting started)
Torah reading many move to hallway -9:30 AM
to catch up with friends they haven't
seen in a while
Rabbi's speech & simultaneous breakoff - 10:15 AM
for the hungry Israelis that are used to
eating Shalosh Seudos already by this time
Kiddush - -11:00 AM
Featuring the Rebbetzins world famous chulent
basically an excuse for her to sleep a little longer
and for Rabbi Schwartz not to suffer from withdrawal
until she gets up and prepares lunch.
Mincha Shabbos afternoon 6:10 PM
Shabbos ends- 7:42 PM- followed by a late night movie showing of Spaceballs- May the Schwartz be with you...just joking... they barely let smartphones here forget about Mel Brooks...lantz mahn..
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And click on our link to make your donation which will go directly to needy families in Karmiel.
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THE OLD YISRAEL INTERNATIONAL MOVEMENT
(OYIM.ORG)
IS PROUD TO OFFER YOU A SPECIAL OPPORTUNITY THIS PURIM
Send shalach manos to our brave Neturie Karta and Shalom Achshav Breaking wind and Silence soldiers who put their lives on the line daily meeting with enemies of the state of Israel
in order to achieve everlasting peace and terror in the new Jewish state of Uganda. Your shalach manos may even make them smile although that is very not common. It is made out of 100% pashkivilim recyclable paper and no products are made in the West Bank occupied Israel instead we have found some poor Palestinians to steal the food, and include a picture of some martyr inside each one. We will inclide shovels so they may dig their tunnels to Gehenom with. And we have included a copy of Terrorism for Dummies and that Gaza best seller “when 69 virgins just isn’t enough” Each Shalach Manos will be packed in a katyusha shell to give them the full simcha experience. Every few Katyushas will still be live ammo which will also give our dear friends an extra boom during megilla reading for haman.
AM YISRAEL CHAI
TO CONTRIBUTE PLEASE SEND AN EMAIL
TO
OYIM.ORG.PALESTINE IMMEDIATELY
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RABBI SCHWARTZ'S YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK-
"Az ikh nem a trink bronfn vert ich an andereh mentsh, un der anderer vil oych a trik bronfn."- When I take a drink I become another person, and the other person wants a drink too.
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S AMALEKITE PERSONALITY AND QUOTES IN HONOR OF THE YARTZEIT OF THE WEEK
“So how’s it hanging?”
“Bet you can’t say all of our names in one breath”
“Why does Dad smell like garbage?”
Parshandatha, Dalphon, Aspatha, Poratha, Adalia, Aridatha, Parmashta, Arisai, Aridai, and Vajezatha the ten sons of Haman (boooooo...) 14th of Adar this Thursday-So these miserable little kids, who spent years in therapy dealing with the bizarre nature of their names. They had a father who pretty much had them bow down to him every morning and a mother who pretty much was their fathers number one fan club until she wasn’t. These kids had pretty high aspirations in life, 50 cubits high to be precise. They were always head above shoulders of everyone else in their class until the very end. They hung out quite a bit and ironically Esther thought it would be cute if they hungover for another day on the 15th of Adar as well. Hey Jerusalem needed an excuse for another day of party.
Now I’m sure there are some bleeding heart Jews that feel bad for these 10 little dopplegangsters. So our sages assure us that they were pretty much as bad as their father Haman was. Just take a look at the some of the clues in their names and the way that three of them have small letters written in the Megilla
PARSHANDAtA (spelled with a small tav). He tried to destroy the Torah by stopping the reading and the learning of the Torah. The Torah is spelled with a small taf for Torah tht he would minimize.
PARMAshTA (a small shin). He tried to destroy the observance of Shabbos.
VAYzATA (a small zayin). He tried to destroy the observance of the major Jewish holidays which are celebrated on seven days.
Here’s my interpretation of the rest of their sins based on their names-
DALPHON- probably killed dolphins
ASPATHA- made fun asmathics- he would actually say his name is gasp-atha the g is not pronounced in Persian
PORATHA- He was a socialist Democrat his slogan being poor for others- the New yawk accent made it Otha’s
ARIData- Yeah like you guessed, horrible armpit smell, for not using arid antiperspirant
ADALIA- He was the worst offender. There was a mitzva of Ad Dlo yoda to drink until you do not know anymore between blessed and cursed and he would stop everyone and say Ad Dalia distorting the text and making people think they should only drink until Dalia- the bartender stopped pouring.
ARISAI- his name was actually a self-fulfilling prophecy. He would stop people on the corner and pick them up and hold them above the ground and say “Are we this high?” Maybe this high? Mida Kneged Mida he was actually hung the highest of all of his brothers.
AriDai- similar to his older brother he would just Are we die? Are we die? To the Jews before he would kill them. Yeah English wasn’t their first language. It was kind of like Persiabonics. Alternatively all of these names are various types of Pasta and Chinese dishes that these children enjoyed eating. Which is why Jews to get back at them eat and love Chinese. “I’ll have your hot and sour arisai soup with dalphon noodles please”. Or “I’ll have some Parmashtana cheese in my Adalia shaped Pasta with a sprinkling of aspatha”
May their bones rot in hell forever.
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RABBI SCHWARTZ'S RASHI OF THE WEEK-
So Rashi comes home one day and his wife asks him what he thinks of her new dress. Rash takes a look at it and points out that although it is a beautiful color it seems that sleeves are slightly long and narrow. In addition he tells her that the truth is the dress is somewhat redundant as in her closet there is a similar dress already that she had recently purchased that was just as pretty. Finally he notes that there is a store not too far away that seems to have the same style clothing at a better price.
Rashi’s wife throws up her hands in frustration. “Do you really have to comment on everything?!!”
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S IMPORTANT JEWISH EVENT OF THE WEEK IN HISTORY-
It was Purim 1986 Long Beach New York. I was junior in High School. It was my first Purim in yeshiva. Only “the out-of-towners” were allowed to stay. The highlight of a Long Beach Purim was collecting. The Israel Purim Fund (IPF) conceived in Ling Beach was charged with raising money for Pesach and Sukkos for needy families in Israel. We had our lists, our cars and our costumes already and we headed out on the road, with our deignated driver of course, to do our duty for the families in Israel. Things weren’t going that great for us. After a few hours of knocking on doors, we were still quite short of our goal. Then we came to one guys house, who made us an offer that he would give the strongest-or stupidest one of us $50 for every shot we took of his finest Arak. Not one to shirk from a challenge, and having had a few shots already. I turned to him and asked him if we would give us $500 for the rest of the bottle. He looked a little taken aback and asked what I meant. Rather then going through the tedious process of explaining I just grabbed the bottle and glug glug glugged it down. It was a better night from then on in. It pretty much culminated a few houses later, when I couldn’t see out of the beak of this smelly chicken costume I was wearing and I asked this really 7 foot tall friend of mine-some of you might know him... to lead me into the house. He did. Right over the side of the couch, after which our rather shocked host’s children promptly jumped up and down on my chicken costume. After which my guts started to turn... It was a memorable evening. The first time Rabbi Schwartz got drunk on Purim. Truly a historic event that has been repeated over time and time again-although not in front of my mother- by my children.
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RABBI SCHWARTZ PURIM YOUTUBE CLIPS OF THE WEEK
Donald Trump and HaRabi Mi Lubavitch...almost... great song!
A ‘Gevalt’Purim story by the’ holiest of the holies’ Reb Shlomo Carlebach
Non-Jews do Purim...
New York Boys Choir Marbin BSimcha
Mix of Jewish Purim Songs
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RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTIONS THAT I THINK SHOULD BE ASKED THAT THE MINISTRY OF TOURISM STILL HASN’T FIGURED OUT THE CORRECT ANSWERS TO.
1) Why are the currency exchange rates in the hotels such rip-offs?
2) Why are the lights to the bathrooms outside of the bathroom? Part B to this question why are the bathroom doors the only ones with windows.
3) If this is a Jewish State, why are there so many churches here? Mosques? Don’t we Jews believe that its kind of like idolatry?
4) Why do Jewish sites in the State of Israel make such a big deal and romanticize the Crusaders-weren’t they kind of like the Nazi’s of the middle ages? Didn’t they like decimate all your Jewish communities in Europe an Israel?
5) Is there a reason why your national parks close like in middle of the afternoon at 4:00 or 5:00 PM times when tourists would like to come visit them, particularly during high seasons. I mean no one is really coming at 8:00 or 8:30 AM when you open, so why not just stay open later so people can actually come there and eat lunch in the same day.
6) It is very nice that you guys write signs for your tourists in English, but does it cost that more to actually get someone that speaks and writes English to write them for you? Part B to this question: what is it with the letter Q. Quiryat Arba, Quiryat Shmona, Bnai Braq Quarmiel-ok at least you didn’t get that one wrong. Part C: how many ways can you spell the city of Tzfat, Safed, Safad, Sfat, Tsfat, Tzefat, Can’t somebody figure this out already?
7) Finally, why are you letting bad people kill your people in your streets, that scare us off from coming to your country. You all have guns. Isn’t the point of them to use them to get rid of them?
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RABBI SCHWARTZES AMALEKITE EXECUTIONER JOKES FOR PURIM
There are three Amalekite women, one is a blonde one is a brunette and one is a red head. They are all standing before their Jewish firing squad Purim morning. The guard brings the brunette up to the executioner. He asks do you have any last words? She says No. Then the executioner shouts ready...aim... EARTHQUAKE! screams the brunette, Everyone looks around and she escapes.
Then the angry guard gets the red head. The executioner asks her the same thing. She says ‘No’. The the executioner yells ready...aim...and then the red head shouts TORNADO! Everyone looks around and she escapes too.
By then the blonde understands why the two other women were screaming. When the executioner asks the same question she as well responds not. The guard then yells ready...aim...and the blonde yells FIRE!
How is an Amalekite like an apple? They both look good hanging from a tree.
So Haman’s dumb blonde Amalekite daughter decides to kill herself after puring garbage on him by mistake. She goes to the park and finds a tree and strings herself up.
A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself."
"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker. "I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe."
"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker. "I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe."
Haman’s grandson comes running into the kitchen and says, "Mommy, mommy! Grandpa hanged himself in the living room!"
His mother runs into the living room, and sees no one there. Angrily, she says, "Listen. You should never lie like that to me again, do you understand!?!"
"I'm sorry," says the boy. "I was just kidding. He’s hanging in the backyard."
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