Insects and Isolation
from the
Lonely Land
from
Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz
"Your friend in Karmiel"
March 6th 2020 -Volume 10 Issue 21 10th
Adar 5780
Parshat Tetzave/ Purim
Corona Nation
ANNUAL TOP TEN LIST
Now it is my anniversary this week. I love my wife. Sure I'm not around a lot and might be a bit demanding at times; times being like morning, breakfast lunch, dinner and bedtime. And no I haven't bought her flowers in a long time or really anything besides the groceries she asked me to pick up for her and it seems I got some of those wrong as well. But I did take her to Africa last year for our 25th anniversary. I even made sure we got Malaria vaccinations before we went. (hmmm I wonder if those will work for Corona). But I'm a good husband. I did not deserve to be possibly "corona"sized. I have tours to go on. A shul that depends on me to put them to sleep each Shabbos during my sermons. I can't afford to be in isolation. People are counting on me. Oh evil woman what have you and your farkakteh corona-practor done to me.
Ok, so the truth is I'm not in isolation. I did put on a gas mask for about an hour (it was in my Purim box) and forbade my wife from holding my grandson as well. But then she called her brother the world famous Dr. Hillel Isseroff and expert on free medical advice to the poor Israeli Schwartz family that doesn't trust Israeli doctors who are all overweight and smoke. Now although his usual advice to me is to diet and to my wife to get off all of these "fake" Chinese medicines she likes to take. It seems that when my wife called him as I was putting on my hazmat space suit he told her that I should to a psychologist because I was not in any risk. I don’t like shrinks. And that was even before I got married and found out my father-in-law was one… So I took off my mask climbed out of my sealed room with my grandson in hand. There was only room for one other besides me so I chose him. I would've take Elka but she also ate the contaminated chulent. I figured the rest of my kids could fend for themselves. I kind of raised them that way moving them around the country. And I exited. Corona scare in the Schwartz home over.
Now being a Rabbi I knew there must be some message for me to take from this scare. It is Purim time and I have had thank god a pretty busy few weeks with tourists and really did not have any time to think or write my annual Purim E-mail for all you faithful readers. You know the one you look forward to each year and actually read besides the jokes on the bottom. So I saw this as a sign from Hashem that this year's Purim E-mail should be dedicated to providing a community service to all of you. You never know if you may end up in isolation or not as this plague and virus seems to be taking over the world. It's boring in isolation. In fact, they say that the first Corona related death just happened in Israel when a wife strangled her husband to death after spending three days in isolation with him alone in a room… (joke). Now you see why I'm on tours all the time. So in order prepare you for that situation I have dedicated this year's annual Purim E-Mail and top ten list to…. Drumroll…..
Top Ten things to occupy yourself with
while in Quarantined Corona Isolation
10) Pull up all those old weekly E-Mails of mine that you
never read, but were wont to delete. You promised yourself that you would read
them one day. You know when you had a few spare hundred hours or so free to get
through more than the first 30 paragraphs or so. You know they're funny,
they're inspirational and that there are some important life changing messages
there that you know you need to read. Well now is your chance. Sit down on the
couch. Make yourself a bowl of chulent and enjoy. Your opportunity has arrived.
9)
Once you have finished number one you
can move on to all of my Mishpacha magazine columns that you have never read.
They've been clogging up your newspaper rack in the corner of your living room
and your wife wants you to clean it out already, but you have refused to
because you haven't read my articles yet. For those of you that never got a
subscription. Shame on you. Why not? Do you only need to subscribe to magazines
that have pictures of ladies in sheitels in them? Well don't worry you can read
my columns on line by clicking right here https://mishpacha.com/contributors/rabbi-ephraim-schwartz/ (they
even have pictures of the lady writers in sheitels there as well…shhh.. don't
tell them in Lakewood). But more importantly then reading the columns is the
letters to the Editor that you need to write complimenting them on what an
incredible columnist I am. How the only reason you buy their magazine is to
read me each month. How you you wish I would be there every week. How the
Kichels should even make a cartoon about me. That's much more important. I
understand that you don't want to ever sponsor my weekly E-mails. It costs you
money. But what does a few minutes time in your isolated cell cost you to help
out a Rabbi in Israel who needs some more beans in his chulent. So write write
write. And don't leave your name anonymous. People will assume it's my wife or
mother writing. Make up a name. Like Yankel Feferkorn, Shlomo Rechnitz or Chaim
Kanievsky. That should work.
8)
While you are in your isolated room you
can do what Jews all over the place have been doing since this thing started.
Figure out how much money is being lost and can be made on this world pandemic.
So the Lufhtansa canceled all their flights. Figure each flight is average $150
if you multiply that by 100 flights and by three months and then deduct how
much they save from firing people they lost only 76 billion dollars. The start
on the cruise ships. Move on to the Pesach programs that got canceled. Talk
about how you should've shorted their stocks. Think about what else will go
down. Perhaps investigate and pretend like you're thinking about investing in
the face mask companies or the pharms that are going to come up with a cure.
How about the price of gold? This is a very Jewish thing to do in the wake of a
global crisis. It's almost as traditional as reciting tehillim. This can definitely
take up plenty of time in your room.
7)
Become very religious and figure out
why Hashem is bringing this plague to the world. Is it because of long
sheitels. Is it because of the internet? Smartphones? Are people not saying asher
yatzar the blessing when they come out of the bathroom with enough proper
intent. Or is it just the run of the mill lashon hara on whatsapp groups that
are like a pillow that you open up and the feathers fly all over and you can't
gather them back in again. If you live in Israel you can blame this on the army
draft for yeshiva bachurim and think about how you will protest despite the
skunk smell that will be sprayed on you. Once you have pegged the right reason
for why this is happening then you should find a gematria or verse that alludes
to your "corona" sin. This will be very meaningful. It will inspire
you do teshuva. It always does.
6)
Once you have the sin, now you need the
person to blame this on. Now blame is not sufficient it is important to come up
with a conspiracy theory as to why they are responsible. If you are half of
America then you know it's Donald Trump's fault. But why? Did he do it to avoid
people focusing on the down turn in economy. To scare people into voting for
him. Because he wanted to find another one of his son-in-laws a job or just
because he was developing a chemical disease to kill all the illegal immigrants
with. It doesn't make a difference if it's true. Nobody cares about that. This
is a virus and you can make it go viral.
Now if you are from the other half of America it is
either the socialists fault trying to set up Trump and kill the economy, it's
Hillary who did this because the "suiciding" her rivals thing was
becoming too obvious already. Maybe it is the blacks, the gays, the transqueenders,.
It might even be those liberal Jews. It could be the ant- gun people trying to
put Rifle industry away, because you can't fight chemical warfare with a 22.
Regardless come up with a candidate and then yell at them. Make up silly
childish names for them. Shrimp, crooked, scrawny, dumb, bad. These intelligent
nicknames might make you president one day as well.
5)
Now if you are Israeli we have how our own
category of people to blame it on. And you should spend your time in your room
figuring out who's fault it is. Half the country thinks it's Bibi's fault. The
other half blames it on Gantz. The other half blames it on Lieberman and the
other half blames it on some short little lawyer with a really big white
yarmulka and the five people that voted for him Itamar Ben Gvir. Now I know
that there are a lot of halves there. But Israelis are not really good at math.
It seems they can't count past the number 60, certainly when it comes to seats
in the Knesset. The one thing that is certain is that the Corona virus is certainly
not the problem that the Arabs caused. Only Jews it seems could really do harm
to us as a nation. We have always been the only real problem in Israel. If you
don't know that you shouldn't move here. So figure out who's fault it is. It's
what you would've been doing and talking about anyways wherever you go in this
country. And usually when you have this conversation/ heated argument, your
talking to yourself anyways so you may as well just do it by yourself in your
room. It's the same thing.
4)
Here's another good idea for you to do
in isolation. Pretend like you are not in isolation. What do you do when you
are not in isolation anyways. You play on your phone. You send pictures. You
whatsapp. You read news stories. Blogs. You even text your wife and kids who
are usually just sitting across from you by the dinner table. You've kind of
been in isolation already anyways. It's like your own private bathroom stall
that you escape to all the time. Make yourself at home here. You've kind of
been living this way anyways.
3)
Hey I've got another great idea here to
occupy yourself with while you're in isolation. How about coming up with all of
the excellent reasons why you are not living in Eretz Yisrael yet. Is it
because you like to pay a million dollars for tuition for your children when in
Israel it's like 5 bucks and-keep-the-change. Is it because you feel you want
your daughters to suffer through that great shidduch crisis, the off the derech
thing. Is it because you like the thrill of not knowing if someone will pop
into your Chanuka lighting with a machete, or will beat you up on the way home
from shul, or waiting by a bus stop? Maybe its just because you are so excited
about your Islamic member of congress or anti-semitic and anti-Israel
candidates for president. You read so many childhood stories about the
holocaust in Europe and you kind of feel you missed out on it all… Or is maybe
because you just can't give up a good piece of pastrami. Whatever your reason.
It is important that it be good. Hashem will ask you after 120 years- if Corona
doesn't get you first, and you will need to have one. Now's the time to start
thinking of one.
If you're Israeli though you can just think about why all
those above reasons you moved here for and don't suffer from anymore still
leave you with the myriad of things to complain about here. Why you still want
Mashiach to finally make us stop going to elections. Why someone here can't
finally teach the natives the concept of customer service, basic civility, sour
pickles and to stop putting cumin in their chulents. Yep lots to think about in
your room. Make it count.
2)
Plan your next trip to Israel. Express
regret that you even considered touring in other countries besides the holy
land. Who needs the Swiss alps we have the Chermon. Who needs Cancun's beaches
we have the Mediterranean and the Red Sea by Eilat. We even have the Dead Sea. Why
just lounge around on the shores of Mexico on the sun and sand when you here
you can do all that and cure your psoriasis at the same time. Disney world? Mickey Mouse? Goofy? pffff… we
have the Knesset, the Supreme court and the loony guys in black hats that
demonstrate against the army. That's much more entertaining. Africa? the
jungle? I'll take you to the West Bank or East Jerusalem plenty of wild animals
running around there. Remember all those great things Rabbi Schwartz made up
about Israel on your tour with him or the articles he wrote that you read.
Dream about it. Hashem put you in isolation and is pretty much shutting down
tourism in all other places. He's even using reverse psychology on you Jews
telling you that you may not be able to even come to Israel soon as well. So
book your tickets quick. Worst comes to worse if you get Corona while you're
here. Har HaMenuchos is right up the block and they won't have to bring you in
the cargo plane or with techiyat hameisim. Maybe the Ministry of tourism
should start using that slogan.
Finally, the number one thing to occupy yourself with
while you are in quarantined isolation is….
1)
Why you didn't sponsor a weekly E-Mail
yet. The Torah tells us that Hashem puts a metzora into isolation because he
was too stingy. He first makes it appear on his house, then his clothes and
then on his body. These are all signs he should give tzedaka. Take out the
money your hiding under the mattress, in the walls of your house, in your
pockets. Bring it all out. I tried to do a similar thing to you. To be subtle.
I sent you a virus to your computer. I put you on a million tzedaka cold call
lists. In Israel I put you on election robo-call lists. These were messages
from Hashem and me for you to repent and to sponsor a weekly E-Mail. But you
didn't get it. We called this disease CoVid 19 this stands for Cash Or Virus
(In Dollars) 19 is chai plus 1. It's also the gematria of Tet Yud which spells
Tea which is a great drink and also sounds like a letter that is the first
letter of Torah; taf. So this is clearly a sign that you should have
been sponsoring an E-mail. This is something you should pre-occupy yourself
while in this obviously spiritually isolated state before you may rejoin the
camp. You can immediately rectify this by clicking on the link below…
So there you have it folks. Another Top Ten Purim E-mail
list. This week we read Parshat Tetzave. It is the garments of the Kohen and
the Kohen Gadol. It is the parsha of the process of inaugurating all of the
vessels for the Temple as well as the priests. We read this each year right
before Purim. Purim is also a story of palaces, fancy inaugural clothing and
Kings. It is a season when we are meant to be thinking of the great Coronation
of the King of Kings. We are his Corona nation. We are the ones that are meant
to be singing His praise to the world. The most popular Jewish children's
costume has always been the King and the Queen costumes. Every Jew is a ben
melech. We have all been corronated. May this year Purim as we dress up as
Kings and Queens and in Hazmat costumes, may Hashem finally realize how
isolated we are without Him. And may he finally take us all out of the 2000
year old quarantine we are suffering from and be returned in joy to
Yerushalayim our home. Hachooo....
Rabbi Ephraim
Schwartz
*******************************
RABBI SCHWARTZ’S FAVORITE YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK
“Az
meshiach vet kumen, vellen alleh krankeh oisgehailt verren; nor a nar vet
bleiben a nar."- When the messiah comes, all
the sick will be healed; only a fool will stay a fool.
RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO OF THE WEEK
https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/layehudim
– In honor of Purim my
latest composotions listen and dance and dance this song should be the
highlight of your seuda. Thank you Dovid Lowy for incredible arrangements and
Vocals!
https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/techelet-mordechai
– My Last years Purim
composition Techelet Mordechai- Arranged and sung by Yitz Berry-( cover of
Mishpacha this week!) Also an amazing song just picture a bunch of drunk
yeshiva guys singing it…
https://youtu.be/NYnh9fBrGQs
- Simcha Timcheh- by YY Weingarden
interesting leibidig Yiddish song
https://youtu.be/6TFkdL28S8E - Loving
this Yiddish video Levush Malchus
https://youtu.be/pCn_NTfH5NQ - The
Ruach in this Eitan Katz Jerusalem Concert with great Chernoby niggun rocks!
RABBI
SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK
answer below at end of Email
17) Which was the latest revolt among the
following:
- The Great Revolt
- The Kitos War (mered ha’tfutzot)
- The revolt against Constantius
Gallus
- The Bar Kochba rebellion
RABBI
SCHWARTZ'S PARSHA/MITZVA CONNECTION OF THE WEEK
Mechiyat Amalek– Jewish 'Jihad' of Amalek – We are a peace loving people. We have more songs about
peace then any other nation in the world, all our prayers end with a prayer for
peace, as is the blessing we give our children and receive daily (here in
Israel) from our Kohanim. Yet this Shabbos we have a biblical mitzva to read
about our biblical obligation to wipe out the entire nation of Amalek. This is
not just against the ones that come to kill us. This is men, women, children
and even their cattle. There shouldn't be any memory left of them in the world.
Not even a museum of ancient Amalekite artifacts. We need to make the world
Amakek-rein as the Nazi's ym"sh would say. This is an eternal battle and
our full redemption will not come until they are eradicated. Pretty crazy.
Is this mitzva
relevant today? Well
this is actually an interesting debate, on the one hand we have a tradition
that Sancheirev, the Assyrian King during the 1st temple came and
conquered much of the world and mixed up all the nations. So we have no way of
knowing if Amalekites would be the people that were living in their country or
not. At the same time the Rambam who brings that disclaimer when he discusses
the mitzva to wipe out the 7 Canaanite nations who inhabited Israel does not
bring that down when he discusses the mizva to wipe out Amalek. Reb Chaim
Brisker thus derives from there that there would be a way to identify Amalek
today. In fact the Gaon of Vilna we have a tradition in 1700's said that
Germany is Amalek. Not a bad prediction 200 years before the Holocaust. Rav
Soloveitchik writes that any nation that makes it their mission to wipe out the
entire Jewish nation is Amalek and there would be a mitzva to wipe them out.
Not only is there a mitzva to kill them and any memory of them, but it is meant
to be done with perhaps the most anti- Jewish trait that of with a hatred and
animosity to this nation that exists purely to destroy us whose job is to bring
the light of Hashem to the world.
This mitzva is
one that is incumbent on every Jewish male and according to the Rambam, who
rules that this is milchemet mitzva (A war that is not merely
permissible but obligatory) women would be obligated in it as well. It is therefore some authorities rule a mitzva
for women to also fulfil the mitzva of annually remembering what Amalek did to
us. Seemingly this mitzva on a biblical level could be fulfilled at home and
with a Chumash and there are many that say this is sufficient for women who for
whatever reason can't come to shul. Our sages however ruled that for males the
ideal way to fulfil this mitzva is by hearing he reading from a sefer Torah
with a minyan and thus many women will come have custom to come to shul to
fulfil it this way as well and should preferably do so.
Now I don't
believe that today we will find an Amalekites to kill but there is a spiritual
message in this mitzva as well Reb Tzadok Ha'kohen suggests. He notes that
Amalek represents a spiritual force that is a blockage on the revelation of
Hashem. He compares Amalek in the nations of the world to the arla/
foreskin on the body of a man. Each man is a miniature world and the foreskin
which has to be removed-without any mercy is that Amalek. Is there anything
more heartless then taking a knife to a little baby's most sensitive spot and
cutting it. But yet we do that because we understand that it is our covenant
with Hashem. It is the way that connect our core to Him and we promise as did
Avraham Avinu that we will do whatever He commands as much as it might be
against our nature and instinct. For ultimately He is our King and we
appreciate that His commands to us are only for our good. That is the mitzva of
mechiyat amalek that we can fulfill on a spiritual level. Eradicating
those instincts, that Amalek blockage within each of us that tells us to ignore
Hashem's will and to create in our own image our own humanistic secular code of
morality. Ultimately it is that Amalekite code that will be evil and cruel and
Hashem's Torah that is supreme.
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN
ISRAEL OF THE WEEK
The Pilegesh/ Concubine
of Givah 939 BC- This is perhaps the most tragic and
devastating story in sefer Shoftim/ the book of Judges. It is also the last one
that will lead into the period of the Kings of Israel. As in many stories in
Tanach one needs to listen to echoes of previous biblical stories because as we
know history, and particularly Jewish history repeats itself.
The
story has a lot of similarities with previous stories of Micha and the tribe of
Dan, as well as Shimshon. In the Micha story we spoke about Yonatan (the
grandson of Moshe perhaps) a Levi and his travels and the trouble it causes. As
well in the story of Shimshon we have the folly that happens as a result of
women that seduced him and led him to the path of his ultimate death. Here as
well we have those factors. We have a man who lives in Mt. Ephraim, perhaps a neighbor
of Micha who was also there. He has a concubine from the tribe of Yehudah and
the city of Beit Lechem, again interesting enough that were Yonatan in
the previous story story as well. The concept of a concubine in Torah law is
that she is a woman that is technically as a wife without the benefit of a
proper marriage document. She is not permitted to be with another man after she
enters this relationship. The Torah frowns on this type of a relationship as it
lacks the sanctity of kiddushin. However in ancient times women would enter
this relationship in order to avoid remaining single and in order to have the
benefit of having children or a modicum of provision for themselves that they
wouldn't otherwise perhaps be able to get.
Well it seems
that this couple was made for each other. He wasn't a great guy, she wasn't
neccesarily the most faithful and she leaves him and heads back home to Daddy. After
a few months he goes there to reconcile and her father very gratified invites
him in. He hangs out there for a few
days and his father in law who can't seem to part from his daughter keeps
inviting him to stay longer and longer. Finally at the end of the week he
realizes if he doesn't leave now he's never getting out of there so he picks up
with his servant and concubine and heads out. Now the way to get from Beth
Lechem up to Mt Ephraim would be up through Jerusalem (maybe
on the new Begin Highway) and then up through the hills of Jerusalem to the Shomron.
Along the way it is getting dark and perhaps close to
Shabbos and they need a place to stay. But where?
Now I love when
Tanach gives us locations and descriptions. It enables us tour guides to talk
about the roads and places where biblical stories took place even as we travel
along the road and tourists of course love that. So here it tells us they were
opposite Yerushalayim which was a Jebusite city at the time. They nixed that
idea. Can't trust those gentiles. We need a Jewish place so across the mountain
from Yerushalayim which is surrounded by mountains one can see other hills. I
love to stand in Ir Dovid, which was the Yevusi city and point
out the hills around Yerushalayim to appreciate the topography. One hill that
can be seen in the distance is Nebi Samuel- the grave of Shmuel
HaNavi. That was the first place the Crusaders came to Israel and saw Yerushalayim
from and earlier archeologists associated that with a place called Rama which
was one option for them to sleep over in. Although today most historians
associate it with an arab village called A-Ra'am (sounds like Ramah) not
far from Ramalla.
Option 2 was to
stay in Givah in the portion of Binyamin which is actually right off
Highway 443 by Pisgat Ze'ev. There is an archeological hill there called
Tel Al Ful which seems to be this biblical city. Pre- 67' this was in
Jordan and from the top of this hill one of the highest amongst the hills of
Jerusalem one can see the Dead Sea area and Jordan, Jerusalem and
on a clear day even the Mediteranean. It's such a great view that King
Hussein started to build a palace there but was never finished because we
liberated it from them. That becomes the place where they decide to camp the
night. What happens next? Stay tuned next week…
RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE CORONA JOKES OF THE
WEEK
I was on the highway speeding home from the
airport when I was stopped by a police on a motorcycle. As he approached my
window I told him that I just came home from a trip to Italy and was heading
for quarantine. You should've seen him speed away.
I'm planning a
trip to Disney Land. But I got smart this time I'm paying a Chinese guy to come
with me and sneeze on everyone in line. That's my version of the speedy line
pass…
Israel Ministry
of Health warns that because of the contagious nature of the Corona Virus one
should avoid all hugging, kissing and physical contact and embracing of others.
Ashkenazim can continue as usual (as they don't usually do this)
Because of the
Corona Virus the ministry of Health recommends that Pesach Seders should be limited
to 6 attendees. The Ashkenazim are wondering where they will get so many people
from…
My mother-in
law was complaining that she was not feeling well. I locked her in my miklat
(bomb shelter). The requirement is 2 years isolation… right?
Wanted Ad :
Looking for someone with Corona virus. Pay 5000 shekel a month. Job description
walk around the tax authority offices, Bituach Leumi collections, and a few
select members of Knesset houses.
It is recommended
to eat a lot of Garlic because of the Corona virus. It will not help for the
virus but at least it will keep people away from you….
You know those
people that come back from a vacation to Europe and then they say Walla I need
a vacation from my vacation. Well now they have one…
What do you
call 5 Chinese people in a family car? Toyota Corona
What goes with
the Corona Virus? Lyme Diesease…. Oyyy
The Corona
virus won't last long… It was made in China
**********************************
Answer is C– This one wasn't that easy. I
processed of deductioned a lot of it… And the truth is I probably should have
known it. It is history and Jewish as well. But the easy one is that this was
certainly not the Great Revolt which was in the year 67 and led to the
destruction. As well it was not Bar Kochva in the year 135 65 years later. I
wasn't sure if it was Kitos or Gallus. I really to be honest don't speak about
them much. But I went with Gallus, because his name was Consantinius Gallus
which reminded me that he was the son of Constantine who I remembered lived in
the year 300 or so when the Romans became Christian. It was the right answer.
And the revolt which took place in Tzippori and Tiverya to liberate
Yerushalayim was actually mentioned in Chazal. The Kitos revolt was before the
Bar Kochva one and was the famus one where the people of Lod were massacred it
took place in 115. So I guessed right and the the score is Schwartz 11 and 6 for MOT
(Ministry of Tourism) on this exam.
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