Insights and Inspiration
from the
Holy Land
from
Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz
"Your friend in Karmiel"
May 28th 2020 -Volume 10
Issue 32 5th Sivan 5780
Shavuot Edition
Birthday Mystery
Happy Birthday Aliza! I know women for some reason don't like
remembering birthdays. But my wife just gets younger every year so it's really
not a problem. One would think that having to serve as a full time mother and
father and grandmother as well as rebbetzin and American clothing
entrepreneur (new and second hand in great condition delivered to your door
at great prices… Sorry for the ad but times are rough. If you no longer
wish to see ads in future E-mails just click on the link at the end and make a
donation or sponsorship- now back to you regularly scheduled E-Mail…) that it
would age you. But not my wife. She just gets younger every day. I think I get
the credit, but she seems to feel it's her chiropractor. Ah well… Well she
deserves a big happy Birthday shout-out and kind of enjoys them. So Mazel Tov
on your 21st B-day again
until 120!
Now I on the other hand, do not really celebrate birthdays. It's
not that I have anything against Birthdays or parties in general. I like them
and would have a birthday party every day of the year if I could. With
presents. Frankly I think having a Hebrew Birthday and an English one is not
enough. We should have a Chinese and Muslim one too… Don't they also have a
different calendar? The reasons I don't celebrate birthdays is also not because
of some insecurity that I may have that I am not aging well. I am aging just
right. I draw my timelessness from my wife. Rather the reason I'm not a
birthday celebrator is because of my Mom. See, my mother always taught me that
Birthdays are not days that we deserve to celebrate or receive presents. What
did we do to be born on this day? She was the one that did all the work. The
hours of labor, months of pregnancy, forget about all the heartache raising me.
Birthdays should be days that we celebrate our parents who brought us into this
world. Why does the birthday boy get the cake and gifts? Mom should. At least
that's what they told me when they would take all my presents my friends bought
me and put them in the closet downstairs to give out to other friends on their
birthdays. Their parents felt the same way, by the way so I think they
eventually made them back to that closet. There are probably a bunch of old
Atari games sitting there still. Happy Birthday!
Now it's interesting thing about birthdays particularly at this
time of year because as Shavuos approaches we are also told that much of the
holiday is also meant to serve as a birthday (and death-day-yahrtzeit)
party for one of the most important figures in Jewish history. None other than
Dovid Hamelech. In fact, one of the reasons why we read the book of Rus on
Shavuos is because the Book is really the pre-history (or origin story like in
superhero comics) that leads up to the story of his birth. In some communities
they even have a custom to read the Book of tehillim written by Dovid Hamelech
on Shavuos. Happy Birthday Dovid Hamelech!
Now there is a problem with this custom and tradition that I noted
one year. See the Talmud tells us that Shavuos could fall out on a few different
dates. Yet it must always be 50 days from Pesach In the times of the Beit
Hamikdash whether a month would have 29 or 30 days would be based on the court
establishing it based on the testimony of witnesses that would see the new
moon. So if Nisan and Iyar were both
short months then Shavuos would fall out on the 7th of Sivan which
would be 50 days from Pesach. If they were both full months, then Shavuot would
be on the 5th of Sivan. And if, as we have it today when we have a
set calendar in place, one month is full and one is short then it is on the 6th
of Sivan. So if Shavuot could be on any of those three days, when was Dovid's
birthday? Did he celebrate all 3?
The truth is there is a bigger problem than when to just make Dovid
Ha'melech's party. What about the day that the Torah was given? What was in
fact the calendar date? It would seem sometimes they would say the word in
their prayers and Kiddush "zman matan toraseinu- the time of the
giving of our Torah" on the 5th of Sivan some years, the 6th
other years and sometimes even on the 7th. Now I know for Americans
and those that are living in the Diaspora that are used to having an extra day
of the holiday even though it's not the real day; by Pesach, Sukkos and
Shavuos, this may not be so troubling. I mean you're used to saying that Pesach
is the time we left Egypt for one additional 8th day-despite the
fact that its only supposed to be a 7 day holiday and similarly for Shmini
Atzeret when you chutznkim clearly celebrate simchas Torah on the 9th
day of Sukkos. Certainly for Shavuot when you've been saying zman matan
toraseinu for two days every year although the Torah was clearly only given on
one day would make you too used to it to these inconsistencies in your davening
to be troubled by this question. It's the price you pay for living in Exile
still…But for us living in Israel who will be joining you this year in a
two-day weekend celebration-although our second day is Shabbos. We ask
questions like this. Will the real day of Shavuot please stand up?
One of the reasons why it is really pretty important to know what
day we received the Torah is because, you see, Shavuos is our national
birthday. We have a law that a non-Jew that converts is like a new born baby.
The day he accepts the entire Torah goes to the Mikva and joins our nation is
the first day of the rest of his life. I once had a convert friend of mine who
was about 70 years old and he had converted when he was well into his 50's.
When asked how old he was he would say he was 20 after-all he was only
"born" Jewish 20 years before. That's one way to shave off some
years…So it would then seem that the day that we accepted the Torah as well
would be our birthday. So what date is it? When's the party?
I'm really not kidding about the party, by the way. I rarely do.
For the Talmud tells us that opposed to other holidays where there is a debate
whether they are days that should be celebrated for "Hashem" with only
spiritual endeavors, or lachem- for us with eating drinking and
partying, on Shavuot there is no debate. There always has to be a party with
eating and drinking. Why? Because it is the day the Torah was given. Why is
that a reason for us to celebrate physically? Shouldn't that be a spiritual
expression? The answer is because the giving of the Torah meant it's our
birthday and what's a birthday without a party. But yet it still seems that it
would be a lot easier to celebrate if we nailed down what date on the calendar
that happened.
Rebbi Nachman of Breslav has an interesting insight about
birthdays. He is quoted as saying your birthday is the day of the year that
Hashem decided that the world could not last another minute without your
existence. As believing Jews we understand that there is nothing in random in
this world. Everything has a plan. Hashem sits up in heaven and not a blade of
grass grows without His divine say-so. A China Man doesn't sneeze in Wuhan
after eating a bat without some type of global world plan that will be impacted
as a result of it. Some time we see that hand, most times we can't. But
certainly there is not a child born where one doesn't witness and feel like
they just experienced a miracle. And they are right. Every child is a miracle.
It is Hashem bringing them into the world. And the reason He is doing so is
because that soul has something special that only it can accomplish. No one
else around in the world could do what he or she could.
Reb Moshe Shapiro in an incredible lecture tells us the secret of
Dovid Ha'Melech's birthday. He suggests that Dovid's birthday is 50 days after
Pesach. To a certain degree the day Hashem decided the world couldn't exist
without Dovid is above mere calendar dates. The day that it was decided that
the world could never exist without him being born goes way back to the garden
of Eden; to the 6th day of Creation. The same day that mankind in
the form of Adam was born.
The Medrash tells us that Hashem showed Adam all of the generations
of the world. And then he heard this beautiful neshoma singing out. It was the
soul of Dovid. When Adam asked how long he would live. Hashem answered that he
was meant to live for only 3 hours. Adam immediately asked Hashem if he could
"gift" him some of his own years. When Hashem agreed, Adam gave Dovid
70 years of his own life. Adam thus lived only until 930 years, while Dovid
lived his 70 years, which were in reality the years of Adam's before he sinned.
It is non-coincidental I believe that the 6th day of
Creation in the Torah as well is called Yom Hashishi. "THE" 6th
day. The 1st, 2nd and 3rd day as well as the
other days of creation are not called THE with caps. They are just yom
echad, sheni and shlishi. Friday is called The 6th day
and Rashi notes it is a reference to the day that Hashem would give the Torah,
the future 6th of Sivan.
"The Torah added the letter “hey” on the sixth [day], at
the completion of the Creation, to tell us that Hashem stipulated you were
created on the condition that Israel accept the Five Books of the Torah.”
[The numerical value of the “hey” is five.] Another explanation for “the sixth day”:
They [the works of creation] were all suspended until the “sixth day,”
referring to the sixth day of Sivan, which was prepared for the giving of the Torah.
The two interpretations of Rashi are fascinating the first one
notes that the letter hei represents us accepting the Torah. The second
is the 6th of Sivan that was "prepared" for the
giving of the Torah. Reb Levi Yitzchak of Berditchev suggests that the 6th
of Sivan is when Hashem wanted to give the Torah. It is the day of the light of
the Torah. But the accepting of the Torah? That is different for every Jew on
the day that he accepts it. It's why we don't say in our prayers, that Shavuot
is the day of kabalat Hatorah-receiving of the Torah. It is the day of matan
torah- the day when Hashem sends out that light which we can each tap into;
the day of the giving of the gift of the Torah. When we can each be born.
Both the Torah and Dovid were created at the beginning of time. They
came from there because their job was to return us after we had sinned to that perfect
world once again. The function of the world was to reach the heavens and bring
it down here to this world. Torah is the way that we could do that. Dovid, who
represents kingship in this world will be the king whose only desire is to
build a home for Hashem in this world. Dovid who wrote the book of Tehillim describes
himself as V'Ani Tefila- I am prayer. His entire life was focused on
removing sin, longing for Hashem, returning to His palace, bringing the world
to its fulfillment. It is his descendant Mashiach that will ultimately return
the world to its original glory before sin entered the world. To the time once
again when the spirit of Hashem will live in the garden with man.
There is no
birthday for Dovid as there is no birthday for the Torah that the Jews accepted
and became a nation. It's not a day on a calendar. It is once we traverse the
49 steps and days from the lowest levels of this world and impurity of Egypt to
the Mountain where we see Hashem's presence (presents?) revealed to each and
every one of us as we stood together. It is when we reveal the spark of Rus the
grandmother of Dovid and Mashiach that comes from the lowest of nations
Moav-which in gematria is 49 as well. It is the 50th day. The day
after the counting of Malchus She'bmalchus that the 49th corresponds
to. When the Kingdom above matches the kingdom below. It is the day when heaven
and earth will be connected.
Do you know why birthdays are depressing for some people? Because they
look back at their lives and they either see how much they have accomplished
and wonder if their best days are behind them. Or alternatively they see how
much they wanted to accomplish and wonder if they ever will. At the end of the
day a birthday for all people is looking at that clock on our lifespan and
watching all the sand in the timer drop down to the bottom. But what if we were
eternal? If the clock just had an endless amount of sand being poured into it
so it could keep going and going and going. Then birthdays are not so
depressing anymore.
Do you know who is eternal. Dovid Melech Yisrael Chai V'kayam.
Do you know what else is eternal? Torah- it is Chukas Olam-our eternal
code that was created before time. And finally do you know what else is
eternal? You got it. Am Yisrael Chai. When we accepted the Torah we
linked ourselves with that book, that wisdom and that light that would shine
our way back to Gan Eden. That would herald in Mashiach ben David who would
lead us, and behind us the rest of the world, to that perfect world. To the
time when Hashem is echad and His name is echad. It is one with
us. It is one with the world. Then once again the world will celebrate the
ultimate eternal birthday party it has been waiting for.
Have an Happy
Shavuot and a fantastic Shabbos,
Rabbi Ephraim
Schwartz
********************************
RABBI SCHWARTZ’S FAVORITE YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK
" Tzu
Vos loyftz du? vet moshiakh geboyrn vern mit a tog shpeter." Why are you hurrying? so the messiah will be born a day
later…
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S
TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK
answer below at end of Email
29) The
Declaration of the Establishment of the State of Israel was proclaimed on:
A.
November 29th
- 4 Iyar
- 5 Iyar
- May 15th
RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO OF THE WEEK
https://youtu.be/Xsysf84ooGo - Yiddish old folk songs done with a big
band… How many can you recognize?
https://youtu.be/jsX5LzGmRBw - Nissim Black latest video
hit-with my good friend Jacob Lunon guest feature nad Amar Studemire cool!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vrq0aWO0ZE
– Here's a Carlebach Dovid Melech Yisrael that I guarantee
you have never heard before… I don't know where this even came from…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6x7c_fGKk7I – And of course nothing beats the classic Diaspora Yeshiva
band Dovid Melech
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S PARSHA/MITZVA CONNECTION OF THE WEEK
Parshat Naso-Priestly
blessing – Birkat Kohanim-All our mitzvos are amazing. But IMHO some are more
amazing than others. Like Shabbos for example is just fantastic. Our holidays
are a party. Even the sacrifices sound pretty cool, especially the ones we can
eat. In that category is the mitzva in this week's parsha of being blessed by
the Kohanim. I mean, like how great is that? We are commanded and get a mitzva
to receive the special blessing from Hashem through the Kohanim. It's like
someone is paying you to win a prize. Or paying you to tour around Israel and
show off what an amazing country we have. Hey, I know someone that used to have
that job…
So the Mitzva
on the Kohanim of blessing the Jewish people the Rambam actually writes that it
is 3 possible commandments
Rambam (Hilkhot
Tefilla U-nsiat Kappayim 15:12) Any kohen who does not ascend
to the dukhan, even though he has violated one positive commandment, it is
as if he violates three commandments, as it says, 'In this way shall you
bless,' 'You shall say to them,' and 'So shall they put My name.'"
The Sefer
Chareidim learns that this is a mitzva on the congregation as well to get
blessed. Now this may not be just a simple mitzva. See the Kohen would do this
mitzva daily as part of the service in the Beis Hamikdash. Today we know longer
have the Beit Hamikdash anymore. We cannot bring sacrifices, although we pray
for the day when we can. Yet when the Kohen blesses us it is as if he is doing
the one part of the Temple service that still remains. Yes, he cannot say the
explicit name of Hashem as he was able to back then when he blessed the people.
But this is still the exact identical fulfillment of a positive commandment of
Temple service blessing as it was during the Beis Hamikdash. It is for this
reason there are some opinions that even the washing of the hands that the
levi'im do for the Kohanim before they bless the people (or if there are no
Levi'im incidentally some suggest the bechorim should wash them) is to be done
as it was done in the Temple and specifically for the same reason. It is a
temple blessing they are giving over to us.
In a nutshell
the basic laws are that the Kohanim remove their shoes they stand at the front
of the shul and after being called (if there is more than one) they make them
blessing and turn around lifting their hands and reciting in a loud voice word
by word after the chazzan the blessing. The congregation need to be standing as
well for the blessing and must be in front of the chazzan not behind him. So if
the bima in your shul is sticking out it is important for the Rabbi or whoever
else is in the front of the shul to move out and get blessed. In the times of
the Temple the Talmud tells us if one would look at the Kohanim while they
blessed and said the actual Name of Hashem they could go blind. Today no one is
going blind if you peek. However, the custom is not to look at the Kohanim and
parents even place their children under the tallit during the blessing. It is
of course important to answer Amein after each blessing.
The only
question that remains which is truly one of the more fascinating halachos and
stories is why they don't do this mitzva even outside of Israel. There seems to
be no difference between Israel and the diaspora regarding this mitzva. And it
seems in the times of the temple and even afterwards they would do it there as
well. In fact Sefardim do recite it outside of Israel as well and they
certainly get a mitzva and blessing. The Maharil mentions that there were Kohanim
that didn't do it because it would be too cold to go to the Mikva first, or
possibly because people would have to go to work and the couldn't concentrate.
Which both seem like bizarre reasons to stop doing this mitzva. The Rema writes
the custom of ashkenaz to recite it only yom tov is because people are happy
and have time to enjoy the blessing as opposed to during the week. It is told
that the Gaon of Vilna decided he wanted to institute the recitation of the
blessing once again during the week, but the next morning he was arrested. His student
Reb Chayim Volozhin decided he would do it and then the shul burnt down. It
seems from heaven they didn't want those outside of Israel to get the blessing
unless they came here. I think that's a good punishment personally-along with 3
day yom tovs. But hey, I only felt that way since I moved here.
God willing may
we soon experience the priestly blessing in the Beit Hamikdash soon!
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL
OF THE WEEK
The Return of the Ark -831
BC
– This is a story that I actually do have the opportunity to
share with my tourists often. At least I used to when they were still able to
come here. It's actually one of my favorite ones because it is so dramatic and
the location is so precise. Great views to visualize it. A tour guides dream.
We
left off last week with the Ark being left in the fields of the Plishtim after
it wreaked havoc on their cities. It seems that it continued to damage from
there as well and after 7 months they pretty much had enough. So they went to
their magicians and Priests which are kind of like the same thing as both deal
with fake realities and lies. The Priests were not fond of the idea of sending
it back to the Jews but the problem with being the religious leaders of a
superstitious people is that you really don't want to get on their bad side. So
they came up with a plan. They would send the Aron back to the Jews but hedge
their bets against it actually going back. They would hitch it up to a wagon
led by two nursing cows who just gave birth. They would keep their baby cows
behind. Obviously the tendency of a mother cow would be to go back to its
babies-unless it was quarantined together with them for two months or so J-so
if they went against their nature then it would be a sign that Hashem was
behind everything and they would send back the cows.
So off they went
probably along Highway 38 to Beit Shemesh. They sent with the
cows some nice presents that they thought Hashem would appreciate; some golden
mice and golden hemorrhoids..
Those were the things that plagued them. Yeah the Plishtim weren't really known
for their appropriate gifts, although you do have to give them credit for
originality. This road is an uphill climb from the coastline where the Plishtim
were. It was another challenge against these cows. As well, the cows chosen had
never had a yoke put on them so they certainly wouldn't travel on the rough
road. But they did.
It
was the time when the Jews were cutting the wheat in the fields by Beit Shemesh
and they looked up towards the road and there was the Ark and the cows much to
their surprise. This is really a great time of year to tell this story. Tel
Beit Shemesh right across the street from Beit Shemesh has much of it
excavated already. One can see the old city walls and houses that were there.
And as you sit on the hill one can see the wheat fields and can picture the
cows and wagon coming up the road. They also, by the way have an amazing huge
water system underground there. The Jews see the Ark and they start to rejoice.
They take the wagon and break it down and use its wood for an altar to bring
the cows as sacrifices to Hashem in appreciation. What an amazing day… until it
wasn't.
See
all of a sudden a plague broke out amongst the Jews. It was bad. How bad? It's
a strange verse the navi tells us that 70 people were killed and 50,000 were
killed. Well which one was it? So the Talmud brings two opinions the first is
that only 70 people were killed but they were each as great as 50,000. The
other opinion is that in fact 50,000 were killed and each of them were as great
as the 70 members of the Sanhedrin. Why did this happen. Again, the Navi is not
clear. It seems that there were two problems the first was that one is not
supposed to look and gaze at the Ark uncovered. They should have covered it up.
Alternatively, some suggest that they opened it up to look inside at the
Tablets (this would of course not follow the opinion that Shaul had taken them
out that I mentioned in a previous column). An entirely different approach was
that this was a punishment for them leaving the Ark by the Plishtim for so long
and not attempting to retrieve it. If their sheep or goat would be taken they
would run after it why not the Aron. Regardless this was a very bad thing.
So
the Jews like the Plisthim decided they didn't want the Ark there so they sent
it on over to Kiryat Yearim. Today that is the name of Telshe Stone
(where my inlaws live) right outside of Yerushalayim. The ancient biblical city
of Kiryat Yearim though was in the village right next door in Abu
Ghosh. There is a catholic church there called appropriately Our Lady of
the Ark of the Covenant. Well appropriately besides the "Our
lady" part which is for the big statue of Mary and her mamzer in
her hand. The church was built in 1924 not far from a Byzantine church nearby
as this was the location where the Ark then rested for the next 20 years until
Dovid will return it to Yerushalayim. Obviously today because of the church
excavations really have not been done much on the site. Although some
prehistoric remains and graves have been found there.
This
column always works out with some hand of Hashem. Isn't it cool to read about
the return of the Ark with the ten commandments returning to us right before
Shavuos when we first received them?
RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE BIRTHDAY JOKES OF
THE WEEK
(Because even I'm sick of Covid Jokes already)
One year, Louis
didn't know what to buy his mother-in-law for her birthday, so he bought her a
large plot in the cemetery.
The following year,
Louis bought her nothing for her birthday and his wife was quick to comment
loud and long on his thoughtlessness to her mother.
"So, why
didn't you buy her something?" she snapped at him.
"Well, she
hasn't used the gift I gave her last year," he replied.
The Jewish
Chronicle had heard that Benjy was coming up to his 108th birthday so they sent
one of their reporters to interview him.
"How do you account for your longevity?" asked the reporter.
"You could say that I am a health nut," Benjy answered. "I have never smoked or drunk alcohol, I am always in bed by ten o'clock, I’ve been going to Israeli dance classes since I was a teenager and I've always walked three miles a day, even in rain or snow."
"But," said the reporter, "my uncle Shlomo followed exactly the same routine and he died when he was 70. So how come it didn't work for him?"
"All I can say," replied Benjy, "is that he didn't keep it up long enough."
"How do you account for your longevity?" asked the reporter.
"You could say that I am a health nut," Benjy answered. "I have never smoked or drunk alcohol, I am always in bed by ten o'clock, I’ve been going to Israeli dance classes since I was a teenager and I've always walked three miles a day, even in rain or snow."
"But," said the reporter, "my uncle Shlomo followed exactly the same routine and he died when he was 70. So how come it didn't work for him?"
"All I can say," replied Benjy, "is that he didn't keep it up long enough."
Avrahom walks
into a department store and goes straight to the perfumery
department. He says to an assistant, "Today is my wife Sharon’s
birthday and I would like to buy her a nice bottle of French perfume.
The assistant says, "That will be a nice surprise for her."
Avrahom replies, "It sure will – she’s expecting a diamond necklace."
The assistant says, "That will be a nice surprise for her."
Avrahom replies, "It sure will – she’s expecting a diamond necklace."
At his 100th
birthday Moshe was asked to explain his longevity.
"Onions." Onions?
"Yes, onions. Every morning I eat a whole onion for breakfast. At noon I eat 2 onions. In the evening I have 2 onions, and before bed 1 more onion. Then at night when the Angel of Death comes and calls out "Moshe, Moshe", I face him directly and answer "Whoooooo?"
"Onions." Onions?
"Yes, onions. Every morning I eat a whole onion for breakfast. At noon I eat 2 onions. In the evening I have 2 onions, and before bed 1 more onion. Then at night when the Angel of Death comes and calls out "Moshe, Moshe", I face him directly and answer "Whoooooo?"
Not long after
attending her grandson Paul’s 12th birthday party, Rebecca has a heart attack.
Whilst in hospital, she starts to plead with her cardiologist. "Oy, doctor
David," she says, "you’ve just got to keep me alive for the next 12
months so that I can attend my bubbeleh grandson Paul’s barmitzvah. He’s my
first grandchild."
"I’ll do my utmost to get you there, Rebecca," says doctor David.
"Thank you doctor," says Rebecca. And 12 months later, Rebecca does indeed attend Paul’s barmitzvah.
Ten years later, whilst Rebecca is seeing doctor David for a check-up, she says, "I have another request, doctor."
"And what do you need me to do this time, Rebecca?" he asks.
"In a year’s time, please God, my grand-daughter Suzy is marrying a lovely, lovely, man, a real mensh, and I desperately want to attend their wedding. So please, doctor, please ensure that I stay alive long enough to attend their wedding."
"I’ll do my utmost to get you there, Rebecca," says doctor David.
"Thank you doctor," says Rebecca. And 12 months later, Rebecca does indeed attend Suzy’s wedding.
Over the next twenty years, Rebecca regularly visits doctor David for check-ups, and she always religiously follows his advice. Then one day, she suddenly phones doctor David. "Hello doctor," she says. "It’s Rebecca here."
"Are you OK Rebecca?" asks doctor David, sounding worried. "Is anything the matter?"
"Nothing’s the matter doctor," replies Rebecca, "I think everything is OK and I'm feeling fine. But I’m calling because I have another request to make. Do you remember when you enabled me to attend my grandson’s barmitzvah?"
"Yes Rebecca, I do," he replies.
"And do you remember when you enabled me to attend my grand-daughter’s wedding?"
"Yes Rebecca, I do," he replies.
"And are you aware that I've just celebrated my 80th birthday?" asks Rebecca.
"Yes Rebecca, I know," he replies.
"Well, I’m ringing you because I’ve just taken delivery of a new mattress," says Rebecca.
"Mazeltov," says doctor David, "but why are you phoning me about your mattress?"
"Because," replies Rebecca, "the mattress came with a 20 year guarantee!"
"I’ll do my utmost to get you there, Rebecca," says doctor David.
"Thank you doctor," says Rebecca. And 12 months later, Rebecca does indeed attend Paul’s barmitzvah.
Ten years later, whilst Rebecca is seeing doctor David for a check-up, she says, "I have another request, doctor."
"And what do you need me to do this time, Rebecca?" he asks.
"In a year’s time, please God, my grand-daughter Suzy is marrying a lovely, lovely, man, a real mensh, and I desperately want to attend their wedding. So please, doctor, please ensure that I stay alive long enough to attend their wedding."
"I’ll do my utmost to get you there, Rebecca," says doctor David.
"Thank you doctor," says Rebecca. And 12 months later, Rebecca does indeed attend Suzy’s wedding.
Over the next twenty years, Rebecca regularly visits doctor David for check-ups, and she always religiously follows his advice. Then one day, she suddenly phones doctor David. "Hello doctor," she says. "It’s Rebecca here."
"Are you OK Rebecca?" asks doctor David, sounding worried. "Is anything the matter?"
"Nothing’s the matter doctor," replies Rebecca, "I think everything is OK and I'm feeling fine. But I’m calling because I have another request to make. Do you remember when you enabled me to attend my grandson’s barmitzvah?"
"Yes Rebecca, I do," he replies.
"And do you remember when you enabled me to attend my grand-daughter’s wedding?"
"Yes Rebecca, I do," he replies.
"And are you aware that I've just celebrated my 80th birthday?" asks Rebecca.
"Yes Rebecca, I know," he replies.
"Well, I’m ringing you because I’ve just taken delivery of a new mattress," says Rebecca.
"Mazeltov," says doctor David, "but why are you phoning me about your mattress?"
"Because," replies Rebecca, "the mattress came with a 20 year guarantee!"
A husband was giving
a speech on wife’s 50th birthday, he said:
Forget about
the past, you can’t change it.
Forget about
the future, you can’t predict it.
Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
Q: What's the
easiest way to remember your wife's birthday? A: Forget it once
Q: Why did the little girl get soap for her
birthday? A: It was a so a prize party!.
Q: What did the
witch do on her birthday? A: She spellabrates.
Q: What does a clam do on his birthday? A: He
shellabrates!
Q: What does a
cat like to eat on his birthday? A: Mice cream and cake!
Q: Why are
birthday's good for you? A: Statistics show that the people who have the most
live the longest!
Patient:
Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time,
take off the candles.
It's my wife's
birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. 'Oh, I
don't know ,' she said . 'Just give me something with diamonds. That's why I'm
giving her a pack of playing cards.
A couple had
been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She
wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around
town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything
she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she
said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And
my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." So, for her birthday, he
bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
You Know your
Old when
In a hostage
situation you are likely to be released first.
You and your
teeth don't sleep together.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I
wake you?"
You begin every other sentence with,
"Nowadays..."
The clothes
you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
There's nothing
left to learn the hard way.
When you
realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
When you're
told to act your own age, and you die.
**********************************
Answer is C– There are some questions that if
you don't know the answer to them then you really should find another field to
go into. This is one of them. Not knowing Israeli independence day is like not
knowing what July 4th is. November 29th or as they call
it here chaf tet b'novemeber was the day that the UN voted to recognize the
original two state solution and when the war of independence started. I guess
sometimes Yom Haa'atzmaut is celebrated on the 4th of Iyar maybe
when it falls on Shabbos, I know sometimes they push it off but I'm not sure.
Anyways This one was a giveaway as it's obviously hei- the 5th
of Iyar. So the score now is Schwartz 20 and 9 for MOT (Ministry of Tourism)
on this exam. Let's keep this well needed streak going!
