Insights and Inspiration
from the
Holy Land
from
Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz
"Your friend in Karmiel"
June 28th 2024 -Volume 13 Issue 36 22nd of Sivan 5784
Parshat Shelach
Old School
He was from a different generation. He was as old school as they got. Born right after the war in Italy, my Uncle Sammy z”l who passed away this week, had a bit of that Italian in him but mixed with the old haymish Hungarian and Czech roots of my grandparents. He wasn’t a Torah scholar. He wasn’t learned. He went to work at a young age and didn’t have much time or even zitz fleish for learning. But he was as holy of a Jew as I knew. The type, that for all our advanced yeshiva and Kollel Torah educated generation has advanced, still has trouble producing someone that possesses that natural pure faith, commitment and unwavering moral compass that the last generation had. That my Uncle Sammy, Yehoshua ben Eliyahu z’l who will always be the hero and role model that I aspire and emulate becoming, had.
It wasn’t only that he would rise early every
day to daven with a minyan and wouldn’t miss one in the evening. It was that he
would make sure to be the first one there and the last one to leave, setting up
the chairs, the lights, the tables, the books and the AC. It was him sitting
after davening, or when he was at home in his spare time and recite the entire
book of Tehillim daily. I don’t know if he concentrated or even understood all
the words he said. It didn’t matter to him. These were holy words. This is what
a yid says and does and Hashem likes when we do that. That was enough of a
motivator. It wasn’t personal prayers or long davening with squinted eyes and a
lot of shukkeling. It was Na’aseh V’nishma- first we do, first we
understand what our job is to accomplish. The why, the what, the depth, the understanding
the complexity are all nice. He respected Torah and its scholars. But for him,
it was more about the doing then anything else. He saw himself as an essential
link in a chain that went back to Har Sinai. He lived with a responsibility to
that heritage and gift that was passed down to him.
His yiddishkeit was his identity that he wore
proudly. His love for Eretz Yisrael and his concern always for its well being was
palatable every time he spoke of it and visited. He was as New Yawk as a NYer
could ever be- He had a Newspaper stand in Manhattan for years and was a taxi driver-
you can’t get more NY than that, at least old school NY (today you need a Free
Palestine flag to qualify). As well he was as American Jewish as well as you
can get- working for Manishevitz and Chap a Nosh- there’s nothing more American
than Manishevitz. Yet with all of that, he knew more than perhaps the too many
today that wear black hats and shtreimels or on the other extreme
leather yarmulkas and that live in Five Town mansions with picket white fences that
take 3 trips a year to Israel for the holidays and go to Israel Day parades,
that NY is not his home. That America is not his country. That we are in galus
and that the only place where a yid really belongs is in Eretz Yisrael.
But it was more than his observance or even
his values. It was how “Jewishy” and essential “tradition” was to him. He was the
American equivalent of Tevye on the roof. Friday night had to have gefilte
fish, chicken soup, potato kugel and chulent. It wasn’t Shabbos without
it. A bris had to have bagels and lox. A
family vacation had to be either in the Catskills or Israel… maybe Miami. A yid
always goes to shul, puts on tefillin, respects his rabbis, gives tzedaka, does
chesed without any sense of payback or a sense of tzi kumt mir.
They take care of their parents. They support their children and give them
everything. They always make brachos, they bentch, they’re wary
of goyim and they’re always always there for one another. No matter what,
a yid doesn’t say no when another Jew asks for help. We’re all family. Those
are not just values. Those are not good character traits. Those are all parts
of a yid’s identity, as much as your fingers and toes are, as much as
your parents are, your DNA is. That’s an old time yid. That’s my Uncle Sammy.
Old time yidden, don’t have to “find
themselves”. They don’t even understand the concept of therapy, of emotional
healing, of “at-risk”, or of political corrected-ness or even a “meaningful”
Judaism. Being Jewish means that we have a role, a job an identity and an un-shirkable
responsibility. A mandate from Hashem, a legacy passed down from generations, a
light that we need to bring out to the world that will bring Mashiach. There
are no questions. There are no answers necessary. We have been Chosen. We have
a path before us. It’s a good one, that could be at times challenging. But gam
zu le’tova. It’s all good. And so walk we must wherever it leads.
I don’t think its coincidental, that he was
taken from us on this week’s parsha. Last week’s parsha and this week’s parsha both
mention his namesake; Yehoshua, the unwavering dedicated servant of Moshe. In
last week’s parsha Yehoshua makes his appearance when the word gets out that Eldad
and Meidad are prophesying in the camp that Moshe will die and Yehoshua will
bring us into the land. Yehoshua is upset by that and asks Moshe to either
imprison or destroy them or according to Rashi just worst of all throw them
into jobs that demand public service. Moshe rebukes Yehoshua and tells him not
be concerned for his honor. Halevai that every Jew becomes a prophet. This
first glimpse of Yehoshua is of someone who doesn’t want leadership. Can’t
imagine or even hear that Moshe will not be with them forever and that doesn’t necessarily
see the potential of a new generation “making it” without Moshe.
In this week’s parsha again we find our
Yehoshua, as being selected by Moshe to be one of the 12 spies into the land. Yet
as opposed to the other spies he sends, when it comes to his loyal student, he
davens for him. He adds on the letter “yud” to his name, which is that
letter from Hashem’s name to protect him from falling into the conspiracy of
the spies. Out of all the spies, it is him that Moshe is most nervous about.
The other ones seemingly, as Rashi tells us, were all righteous, Moshe selected
the best of the best- although he knew that there would be danger and temptations
that would confront them spiritually. Yet, Moshe didn’t daven for them. They
weren’t “at risk” as much as Yehoshua, in his mind. Yehoshua, was his boy. This
was the first time, perhaps in his life, that he would be separated from Moshe.
Even when Moshe went up to the heaven at Har Sinai, Yehoshua stood at the foot
of the mountain awaiting Moshe’s return. Yet now he would be venturing out of
the walls of yeshiva. Going “out-of-town. He would be out on the front lines in
a new world that was different then the yeshiva he was used to. He wasn’t cut
from what the others were and thus he was most vulnerable.
Fascinatingly enough it would seem that Moshe
was correct in his assessment of Yehoshua- although perhaps incorrect in overestimating
the other spies’ ability to not fail and falter. We see this in the difference
between Yehoshua and Calev. Although in general and in past years I believe
that most of us lop the two together as the “good spies”, there really are
differences between the two if one pays attention to the texts and chazal
midrashic interpretations derived from those texts. Let’s take a look at a few.
The first is that our sages tell us, as I note
in our prayer column of the week, that Calev goes to Chevron to daven that he
shouldn’t fall into the conspiracy of the meraglim. Yehoshua, doesn’t.
It seems he hangs with the other spies. As well, when they return it seems that
Yehoshua was together with all the spies when they were giving the report about
the land. In fact, the Midrash tell us that Yehoshua only attempted to speak up
when they started talking about the land of Milk and Honey and the dangers that
awaited them, and the spies quickly shut him down. They accused him of trying
to usurp Moshe- ironically enough, as they knew that he was meant to bring them
into the land and thus it was for his own political gain that he was trying to
convince them to go to war (hmmm… sound familiar?). Alternatively, they told
him that since he didn’t have any children to lose, since at that point he was
childless, he had no right to say whether they should enter or not. He didn’t
have skin in the game like they did. Maybe if he had children that were in the
army and had to fight against those giants he would have a different opinion. And thus Yehoshua is quiet. He accepts the
fact perhaps, that he’s not the person that they will listen to.
Calev, on the other hand, takes the mike and
stands up to everyone else. He tells them “Yes, we can!”. Hashem is with
us. “Just don’t!” Don’t rebel. Don’t lose faith. Don’t think you’re too
small. We can do it. Hashem is on our side. Yet he as well is not successful.
It seems that the desire to stone our leaders is too great, and thus we fall.
That’s always when we fall.
Fascinating enough the difference between
these two next generations leaders really date back to their ancestors. Not
only to their ancestors though, but also to their descendants, to the future anointed
saviors called Mashiach, that come from the tribe of Yosef-from who Yehoshua
descends through Ephraim, and from the tribe of Yehuda through King David.
Yosef, much like Yehoshua is dedicated heart and soul to Moshe, is dedicated to
his father Yaakov, to tradition, to the old school. He lives separate from all
the other tribes and their goings on. In fact, the Maharal even suggests that the
reason why Moshe davened for Yehoshua specifically, is because being a
descendant of Yosef, he might fall into that old trap and sin of bringing bad
tidings back, as Yosef did. Yehoshua, as Yosef doesn’t see the glory or the kedusha
in all of the other tribes. He doesn’t get their world. For him, its all about
Torah. It’s tradition. It’s responsibility. It’s old school. His job is to just
reflect, much like the moon, the light of Moshe. To be a window into the past
world and generation. Not to create a whole new world for the new generation.
It is perhaps for that reason why Moshe adds
the letter “yud” to his name, which not only represents the holy spark
of the pinteleh yid in each Jew, but as well the commentaries correspond
to the number 10, meaning to find the spark in the other ten spies and uplift
them.
Calev, on the other hand, is from the tribe of
Yehuda. He’s a leader, a lion, a fighter. Unlike Yehoshua who is disconnected
from the people and is therefore limited in how he can influence them, Calev is
one of them, much like Yehudah his zaidy was. He has ruach acheres- he has a
different spirit that he can breathe into them. In Calev’s heroic action of
standing up to them, although he doesn’t save them, he does uplift Yehoshua.
For when Moshe and Aharon fall on the floor and cry, Yehoshua joins Calev and
they rent their garments together. They stand together and warn the nation not
to rebel. Just as when Yosef and Yehudah embrace and join together back in
Egypt so long ago, and Yosef tells them not to fear that Hashem brought them
down for their benefit, so too here as well these two united descendants of Yehudah and
Yosef tell the nation that redemption can come and its in our hands. That’s the
power of when the old school and new school come and work together. It’s what
we need to happen and appreciate before the geula can come.
Klal Yisrael today once again stands at the
doorway to redemption. The old generation is dying in the wilderness. The new
generation is a different one. It has its own kedusha. Its own strength.
Its own light of Hashem that it needs to reveal. Mashiach ben Yosef, the old
generation, has merited the first stage of redemption with our return to Eretz
Yisrael. They were filled with the passion of Yosef for Eretz Yisrael. Like
Yosef who spent most of his life and death in galus, yet whose descendant,
Yehoshua, brought those bones of his back to Eretz Yisrael to be buried here,
this past generation also returned to the land on the ashes and bones of our
ancestors because of the passion and love of the land that the old generation
had instilled in them. They were ready to fight and conquer the land. They knew
that we had no home anywhere else. That we needed to be united as brothers.
That we needed to take responsibility for one another. That we each had
different roles to serve, but that each of us had a part to play, with none
that are less or greater than the other.
Yes,
Mashiach ben Yosef, that descendant of Yehoshua has come already. They handed
that torch to us, a generation that perhaps is more educated and knowledgeable
having spent years in the midbar learning the Torah of Moshe, that their
fathers who came out of the ashes never had the opportunity to learn, but as
well may have lost the passion and understanding that the endgame is not the midbar.
It’s Eretz Yisrael. It’s coming home. It’s loving a land. It’s seeing how
Hashem can only be revealed in one place.
The only thing left for us is to greet Mashiach
ben Dovid, is to have that leader that uplifts us and can quiet all the
malcontents amongst us. The naysayers. The perhaps even great men, who don’t
think we are worthy. That don’t think we can function in a world without Moshe,
that don’t see a future or holiness in a generation that isn’t standing at the
mountain, awaiting his return. That doesn’t necessarily get what Moshe told Yehoshua,
that halevai the entire nation should reveal the prophecy that we have.
That are too old school perhaps, or that are too new schools and still
influenced by the nations of the world and frightened by the terrifying giants because
they don’t understand how great we are. How much Hashem loves us. How He has
removed their shade from them. Their masks and true colors are showing. (Even if they are still wearing face masks). They
don’t have any merits anymore. They don’t have any sparks to uplift there in
exile. We can come home. We can be redeemed when Yehoshua who brought us into
the land, joins with Calev who will finally conquer Chevron for us and slay all
the giants before us.
Rabbi Dovid Goldwasser spoke by my Uncle Sammy’s
levaya. He recounted a story that was told by the eulogy of the Malbim
(although I haven’t been able to track down the source- points to anyone that
can…). A rabbi spoke there and said that there were people that were once
walking in a forest. It was nighttime and they took torches and candles with
them to light up the way. But as time went on each of the torches went out and
got extinguished until finally the last burnt out and darkness took over. At
that point one of the wanderers began to cry. They asked him why he was crying.
Didn’t he know that candles don’t last forever. That ultimately, they go out.
He answered tearfully that yes, he knew that. But he had been hoping that at
least when it went out they would already be out of the forest….
I had thought that Uncle Sammy would be here
to see that glorious day that stands before us. That we would be out of the forest
before his light was extinguished. That he would get to see and greet Mashiach that he davened, prayed and
believed in so much. That he would finally realize his dream of living here.
That perhaps Moshe would die, but that at least Yehoshua would be machnis-
would come in. Would see the redemption. But we were wrong. Hashem had a
different plan. He wanted Yehoshua, to join his namesake in Shamayim, to
join my Saba and Savta and all of the generations that he was so connected to.
To join all those kedoshim of this generation, of this war who have been
killed al kiddush hashem because they were Jews, because they wanted to
reveal the shechina in our land in this final battle against Amalek.
Hashem, wanted him together with them and to look down upon us and bring that
day faster.
May Uncle Sammy, be a meilitz yosher
for all of us, may we and all of those that loved and were loved by him be
consoled with all the mourners of Tzion. And may his holy neshoma be bound b’tzror
ha’chayim with the bonds of eternal life. May his neshoma have an Aliyah.
Have a blessed Shabbos and a Chodesh Tamuz tov,
Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz
************************
YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK
" Aider
es kumt di nechomeh, ken oisgaien di neshomeh.”.- By the time the
consolation comes, the soul has already left
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK
answer
below at end of Email
11.The person who was named as “The Lord of Armageddon“ was_______.
Which of the following figures is represented by the image of a
winged lion in
Christianity?
A) Matthew
B) Luke
C) Mark
D) John
RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO OF THE WEEK
hhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHTmvS6mPy8 – Yechadshehu
for Rosh Chodesh Davening- one of my favorite versions by Yehuda!.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfUecfoMm8E
- For all those Daf Yomi
people- enjoy the Bava Metzia review song!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBOgKW1i80E
– Mordechai Shapiro latest video
release Nagila
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GedpXTWwotc
- Eitan Katz’s latest sampler
amazing album Chabad songs- well worth the download
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8r8E_PzgvU
– Yehuda Green’s latest sampler
album- with my Rosh Yeshiva’s Amar Abaya song on it for the title!
RABBI SCHWARTZ’S PARSHA PRAYER
INSPIRATION OF THE WEEK
Grave Prayers- The one fundamental principle about our prayers
is that they are directed to Hashem. The Rambam even considers as one of the
thirteen principles of faith and one who doesn’t believe in this is considered
a heretic. “Lo livad raui li’hitpalel- it is only to Him that it is
befitting to daven. That being the case it is important to understand and to
get to the bottom of one of the most common Jewish customs, which is that we
pray at the graves of the righteous tzadikim and our ancestors. Where does it
come from, what our intents supposed to be, and how does it work?
So the first source for this custom is from our Parsha, where our Rashi
notes that in describing the spies itinerary to Israel it strangely uses the
singular form of “va’yavo ad Chevron”- insinuating that only of the
spies popped off to Chevron. Our sages pick up on that nuance and not that only
Calev went to Chevron to pray by the graves of our Patriarchs that he should
not be susceptible to the conspiracy of the spies to badmouth the land. And so there we have it. A Biblical source for
the Jewish custom.
The truth is throughout generations we find that Jews have prayed
at Mearas Hamachpela. The Zohar Ha’Kadosh
even writes that Avraham Avinu sensing that this was the opening to Gan Eden
would pray there daily and that’s why he wanted to buy it as a burial place. We
find that the prophet Yirmiyahu goes there to daven before the destruction and
awaken the Avos to daven before Hashem to have mercy on us. The Rambam even
established the day that he went there on the 9th of Cheshvan as an
eternal holiday for his family, as well did the Ramban who even suggested that he
wanted to be buried there as well. Yet the question is how do we daven to dead
people and why is it permitted.
In regards to the how, so the Maharil writes that one is forbidden
turn and make requests of the dead as there is a prohibition in the Torah “to
seek out the dead- doresh el ha’meisim”. Rather, he suggests that one should
turn to Hashem in the merit of the tzadikim that are buried there. The Minchas
Elazar though points out that we find that in many places in Chazal, our sages
did beseech and direct their prayers to the righteous themselves. Thus he
understands that the prohibition is to ask the dead directly to bring about
salvations, however it is permitted to aske them to be our advocates before
Hashem on our behalf. The Sdei Chemed takes this a step further and writes that
the prohibition is to direct oneself to the dead person, yet since his spirit
is part of Hashem it is permitted to communicate with the nefesh- the spirit
rather than the dead person.
There is one more issue that seems to be problematic, which is that
we have a concept that it is forbidden to preform mitzvos in front of a dead
person. It is called “Lo’eg li’rash- mocking the dead”. Since they can’t
do mitzvos anymore to preform them “in their face” is liking rubbing salt in
their wounds and is prohibited. It is for this reason that one doesn’t enter a
cemetery with their tzitzis out or in tefillin. As well the Shulchan Aruch
rules that it is prohibited to read kriyas shema in front of them and the misha
berura even includes reciting kadish or any holy matter. So how do we do this
and get away with it.
Now in truth we find that when King Chizkiya (from our Navi column above) died they
actually built a beis midrash on his grave, as well we find that by Rebbi Yehudah
Ha’Nasi as well. Tosfos in Bava Kama (16b) explains that this not directly over
but outside of 4 amos from his grave. The Ri Migash suggests that it is
permitted in those circumstances where it gives honor to the departed and not
for the sake of the mitzva of learning. The Chida thought takes a different approach
and notes that there is a concept that the righteous are considered living even
after their death, and we find that Rebbi would even comem back and make
Kiddush for his family long after he died. Thus he says that the general rule
of lo’eg l’rash doesn’t apply to them.
So although there does seem to be ways out of the halachic issues,
our general rule in halacha is puk chazei d’amei davar- go out and see what
Klal Yisrael is doing, for if we are not prophets, we are the children of prophets
and what is accepted practice amongst the nation, must have some basis to it. In
Israel in many places the ancient graves are painted blue-techelet. The old
timers in Tzfat have told me that the reason is because just as Techelet reminds
us to look at the sea and then think about the sky, the heavens and the throne
of Hashem, similarly when we come to the graves of tzadikim. We are not
davening to them, but rather they and their inspiration and connection to us
direct us to focus our eyes to heaven and turn our prayers to Hashem. May the
merit of those prayers be accepted readily.
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR
PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK
701 BC-Yeshaya’s Prophecy – We’re almost at the end of what I think is the longest biblical saga that this column has covered (I’ve been milking this for about 8 weeks now or so…). But this is a big amazing story. And before we get to that final last miraculous salvation of Hashem, we first have to have it prophesized by a good prophet. The one at the time is none other than Yeshaya, or as Shlomo Carlebach likes to call him “The holy prophet Isaiah”.
Yeshaya has been the prophet since King Uziyahu, he prophesied
through his entire reign, as well as his son Yotam, and through the evil
king Achaz and his last Kingship that he served was of course Chizkiyah.
We don’t have much information about his early life, however the Talmud tells
us he was from Yerushalayim, and was according to some opinions even
related to the royal family, his father being the brother of Amaztia,
the son of Yehoash. That would make about 50 years of prophecy!
{To recap the kings of Yehuda quickly- Yoash,
good king. Amatzia pretty good king. Uziyahu also good king and
the start of Yeshaya’s career. He got tzora’as and had big
earthquake was king for 11 years. His son was Yotam- really really good
king ruled for 25 years (although some
together with father. Achaz really bad king. Made civil wars and hooked
up with Aram ruled for 7 years and saw beginning of exile of ten tribes,
and finally Chizkiya good king ruled for 28 years.}
Yeshaya is in fact one of the prophets whom archaeologists have found
evidence to his existence- not that we need any. When they found in Ophel in
2008 in Jerusalem a bula- a burnt seal with his name on it. Cool!
The majority of haftorahs that we read are from
the book of Yeshaya. Certainly the ones that have to do with our exile
and redemption. Much of the prophecies we are witnessing today. When Chizkiya
sends messengers to Yeshaya about the threats and danger of Sancherev’s
army, Yeshaya tells Chizkiya to take a chill pill. There’s nothing to
fear. Sancherev will get called back to fight against Kush and then you
will have respite. But don’t worry, he’ll be back and then he’ll get miraculously
wiped out.
Sure enough, just as the prophet predicted, it
came to be. The Navi tells us that Sancherev went back to put down a rebellion
and the Jew went out and planted and grew their crops and not long after he
returned on Erev Pesach in one day journey miraculously arriving to lay siege
once again outside the city gates. It was Pesach night. It was the night when
Hashem protects us. And next week we will god willing conclude this story!
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S OLD SCHOOL JOKES OF THE WEEK
My Dad is from the old
school, ......where you keep your money under the mattress–only he kept his in
the underwear drawer. One day I bought my dad an unusual personal safe–a can of
spray paint with a false bottom–so he could keep his money in the workshop.
Later I asked Mom if he was using it.
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “he put his money in it the
same day.”
“No burglar would
think to look on the work shelf!” I gloated.
“They won’t have
to,” my mom replied. “He keeps the paint can in his underwear drawer.”
I asked my daughter if
she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said
that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. That fly didn’t stand
a chance.
An elderly couple was
celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood
sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they
entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love
you, Sally.
On their way back
home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their
feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it
home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We've
got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders
keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two
police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and
knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out
of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No
Jerry said, She’s
lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don't
believe him, he’s getting senile
The agents turned to
Jerry and began to question him. One said: Tell us the story from the
beginning.
Jerry said, Well,
when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ......
The first police
officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!
My therapist asked me if I ever wake up
grumpy. I told her that I usually just let Dad sleep in.
While on a road trip, an elderly couple
stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they
left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, Sadie unknowingly
left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been
driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had
to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turnaround, in
order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, Berel,
her husband became the classic grumpy old man. He fussed and complained, and
scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he
chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single
minute.To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As Sadie got out of the car, and hurried
inside to retrieve her glasses, Berel yelled to her, "While you're in
there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
My new neighbor is a grumpy German. I guess
you could call him a sour Kraut.
What do you call a loaf of grumpy bread? Sourdough!
A little boy asks his mother what the
difference is between a Democrat and a Republican?
The mother thinks hard and comes up with this
explanation for the child.
A Democrat is like that very nice aunt you have
that always promises to take you to Disneyland. But something always comes up
and you never actually go.
A Republican is like a grumpy uncle. Every
time you ask him about Disneyland he says absolutely not, we don't have enough
money. But then later you find out that he went without you anyway.
An elderly woman appears in court for stealing
A can of peaches from the grocery store. The
judge asks "how many peaches were in that can?"
To which she replied "about 6 your
honor."
"Very well then. 6 days in lock-up for
you. I hope you've learned your lesson." When you suddenly hear her grumpy husband in the crowd "she
also stole a can of peas!!"
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control
P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do
that for years!"
(sorry couldn’t resist… too many terrible
jokes until now..)
Hymie goes to the doctor for his annual
head-to-toe checkup. The doctor comes in with a folder full of test results and
says, “I’ve got two major concerns.”
The old man says, “Ok doc, let’s hear it.”
Doctor says, “Well, as you know we ran a
full body MRI, and we discovered that most of your major organs are riddled
with cancer.”
“Oh no!” the old man exclaims. “And there’s more?”
The doctor says, “Unfortunately, yes. With
your age and lifestyle, you’re also showing pretty advanced signs of
Alzheimer’s.”
Hymie
says, “Wow. That’s a lot to take in. But at least it’s not cancer.”
Yankel is selling watermelons. His pricelist
reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one
watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says
the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and
another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns
around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought
three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."
Yankel smiles and mumbles to himself, "People
are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep
trying to teach me how to do business..."
**********************************
The
answer to this week”s question is C– I
can’t seem to get out of this 50/50 rut I’m in. Not that I thought a Christian question
would help me much. Well I got the first part wrong because I thought this was
a Christian Tanach question and I guessed “Gog”. I guess being in an “end of
days” war zone right now who can blame me. The correct answer though was
General Allenby who conquered or perhaps better said “colonized” the land of
Israel from the Turks after the battle in Meggido where he got this monkiker
that I never even heard of before. I happened to get the second part right just
by luck. I thought of all the names of Yoshka’s evil idolatrous acolytes Mark
had the most lion sounding name and I was right. So at least I didn’t get it
all wrong- although this is a question I certainly would’ve skipped. And so my score
is not Rabbi Schwartz 7 and Ministry of Tourism 4 on this exam so
far.
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