Insights and Inspiration
from the
Holy Land
from
Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz
"Your friend in Karmiel"
March 25th 2022 -Volume
11 Issue 25 22nd Adar Beis 5782
Parshat Shemini- Parah
(Don’t miss my Mishpacha article, my special
Pesach book offer and amazing Yerushalmi Tiverya video below!!)
Funerals are not my thing. I don’t like
them. In general I really don’t like people dying and having to deal with the
ramifications of mortality and the frailty of life. I find life to be much more
upbeat if I can live with the delusion that I’m going to live forever. That I’ve
got all the time in the world. That the
people that I love and care about will always be with me. That they’ll be part
of mine and my children’s lives. And that I’ll be part of theirs. Death really
sucks, doesn’t it? And funerals that pretty much force us to face the inevitability
of our pretty short stint down here on this planet and the ticking clock of our
existence highlight that most disturbing reality. So I try to avoid them. Bury
my head in the sand- although that’s probably the wrong metaphor to use when I
want to fool myself that I’m immortal.
But this week, there was no not going.
It was Reb Chayim. Reb Chayim ,who was supposed to herald us in to the
Messianic Era. Reb Chayim, who I refused to take tourists to for Brachos, no
matter how much they wanted pay me. I have enough problems on my plate when I
come to heaven after 120 years- which is a very very long time away- than to deal
with stopping the man whose Torah study is holding up the entire world for a
photo-op with your Bar Mitzva boy for his album and to show his friends.
Although I did have some great guys that were more than happy to step on 25 widows
and orphans that were waiting on line for blessings, or the hundreds of others
that were seeking his blessing for children, for medical issues or guidance on
other life and death issues, and sneak you in the backdoor so you can get on with
your touring without any delays. Generally people were happy with that solution
ignoring the incongruency of their seeking of Divine intervention on the
shoulders of the truly needy. But a photo op is a photo op.
I personally had met and spoke to Reb
Chayim once and his words actually gave me tremendous strength and chizuk at a
time in my life when I didn’t even realize how much I needed it. But that wasn’t
the reason I felt that I needed to go. It wasn’t the reason why I ripped my
clothing upon hearing of his passing. It was because I was first the time in my
life I was truly terrified for the world, for Eretz Yisrael, for the upcoming
few weeks and months in which I feel we were really truly arriving at the end
game of history. Sure, I’ve been talking about this for a while already. For years.
Starting
from the Gaza Wars, the Arab Spring, Trump’s election, the ingathering of Exiles,
the shattering of all societal norms and values and the incredible widespread
teshuva movement and Torah study and proliferation unlike we’ve ever seen in
our history. But Corona definitely pushed us into a whole new world mind-set; the
masks, the quarantines, the closed borders and the tragic pandemic victims. The
war in Ukraine and Russia that is pushing us closer and closer to the nuclear
brink and is threatening for the first time in my lifetime. Pundits are for the
first time even seriously talking about the words World War Three, which was
pretty much only a science fiction movie thing or something that our prophets
told us about that we would hypothetically teach with great insight with all
types of cute connections and gematrios with modern connotations. Yes,
it’s been ramping up. Things were happening in the world. But at the end of the
day. There was always Reb Chayim.
In my view, Reb Chayim was the iron dome
that was protecting Eretz Yisrael. Maybe it was when I was a bochur back in the
90’s during the Gulf War when I remember hearing how Reb Chayim told Bnai Brakkers
that there was no need to evacuate yeshivas. Not a scud missile would fall on
that holy city. They hit Tel Aviv, they hit Ramat Gan, they hit everywhere
around. But the Torah that Reb Chayim learned was the cities true patriot missiles.
He didn’t say that he knew it was because of him. But I knew it. Everyone knew
it. He was the holy sefer torah in the Aron and no one could touch his resting
place. But it wasn’t only that. Story after story, miracle after miracle,
salvation after salvation. He didn’t use many words, but what ever few words he
did always contained some type of divine message. It’s the shechina speaking
through his lips.
People would say ehhh… he has controllers…
gabbaim that just make things up from him and manipulate his “message’.
To me that was as if they were saying that about Moshe Rabbeinu. It was heresy.
Not because I don’t believe that people can’t make things up in the names of
Rabbis. Not because I don’t believe that Rabbis can’t be manipulated. Not because
I donate to Kupat Ha’Ir- which I don’t… and certainly wouldn’t if I needed a
salvation. I think all that stuff happens all the time sadly and tragically
enough. But Reb Chayim was a level above that. Hashem wouldn’t let something
bad come out in his name that he Reb Chayim didn’t intend. It’s why I took the
stinkin third vaccine even though I didn’t really buy into it. But I saw Reb Chayim
said so and frankly I knew too much to mess with his words. It’s why I voted
for whatever party he told me to. I would’ve voted for Lieberman had he said so.
For Biden… Ok maybe not Biden… No, I take that back… Even Biden. Because the man
was a walking Sefer Torah. His lips were the Urim V’Tumim. And you
really can’t manipulate or control that message.
But now he was gone. There really is no
one left in Klal Yisrael that looks like Moshe Rabbeinu did. That smiled the
way Moshe Rabbeinu did. That it is unquestionably a man who personified
everything a Jew should be, that a leader should be, that we could be. There
was always Reb Chayim and now there isn’t. It’s a cliché to say it’s a
different world without him. They say that about everybody. But it’s not a
different world without Reb Chayim. It’s the end of the world as we know it. And
thus the stage is set for the new beginning that have waited 2000 years to finally
commence. And that is both exciting and
terrifying.
The funeral was a sea of black. You’ve
seen the pictures. But on the ground it wasn’t as black and white as the aerial
photos. There weren’t 850,000 chareidim there. I don’t even think there are even
close to half of that many Chareidi men in Israel. On the ground it was more
colorful, there were Sefardim, Ashkenazim, knitted kipas and many many “amcha”
Israeli even traditional and non-religious. The last times I remember that was
by the funerals of Chacham Ovadia and Reb Shlomo Zalman Auerbach. But there I
understood it. Chacham Ovadia was the Sefardic Chief Rabbi, Reb Shlomo Zalman
was a Rosh Yeshiva. He was a Yerushalmi with old long old Yishuv roots. Reb
Chayim was none of those. He sat in a room all his life and learned. He didn’t
give classes. His sefarim are on more obscure topics that most don’t learn. He
wasn’t even a rah rah rah political rallier that many other Jewish leaders,
like Rav Shach became at the end of their lives. He sat and learned. He was the
Aron Ha’Bris- the Ark of the covenant of the Jewish people.
Someone sent me his daily learning
schedule and it’s insane. He would awake a half hour before midnight and recite
Tikkun Chatzos, then learn 11 pages of Zohar, 10 chapters of Tehillim, 8
chapters of Tanach, 10 chapters of Mishna Berura, 8 chapters of Rambam, 10
simanim of Shulchan Aruch and Tur, 8 pages of Talmud Bavli and 8 of Yerushalmi
and of Tosefta. Oh and let’s not forget about 8 chapters of Midrash, of the writing
of ARI Z”L and the Ramchal. And then in the spare time he would write his books.
This was every day. Every day! That’s not someone who is manipulated or who any
word out of his mouth isn’t holy. Isn’t changing and protecting the world. And perhaps
it was particularly because of this holy isolation with Torah that he engaged
in, every Jew from all over regardless of background understood that he is all
of ours. For the Torah is all of ours and Reb Chayim is Torah.
Nothing in Judaism is coincidental. It
is not coincidental that Reb Chayim passed away on Purim Yerushalayim. Watch my
Whatsapp video below about the significance of the day and of the Purim story
and take a step deeper to understand that without Yerushalayim we have nothing.
We don’t realize that until everything is taken from us as it was in the Purim
story. And now we even have our Torah that we are so comfortable with and feel
good about taken from us as well. Perhaps to realize that ki mitzion teitzei
Torah- that Torah as well without Yerushalayim isn’t real. We all need to
focus on that. Because now that’s the only thing we need to daven and hope for.
That was my drasha last week.
But it is also not a coincidence that
this Shabbos after the levaya is parshas Parah- the week that we
have the supplemental reading we read before Pesach of the purification process
of the ashes of the Red Heifer from the tumah of death. That parsha in
the Torah in Chukas begins right after the Torah tells us of the passing of
Miriam in the previous parsha. In the words of Rashi, this is to teach us that
the just as the Parah aduma atones for our sins so does the passing of the
righteous. And once again Hashem is trying to teach us this lesson with the
passing of the most righteous of our generation as we read the parsha of
Parah.
But perhaps the most obvious message in
the Divine taking of Reb Chayim this particular week is the Torah portion that
we read of Parshat Shemini on the day of the greatest joy in the history
of the world being shattered by the death of Nadav and Avihu at the inauguration
of the Mishkan; the tabernacle when Hashem’s shechina descended to the
world. At this pinnacle of celebration of what the universe had waited 2500
years for since it’s Creation, Hashem took the two children of Aharon as His
sacrifices to sanctify His name. B’Krovai Eh’Kodaish- Hashem becomes
sanctified when he reveals His strong hand of Din- justice on those that are
the holiest and closest to Him. V’al pnai ha’am eh’koveid- and I will be
honored before the entire nation. Moshe says to Aharon that he thought it would
either be me or you that would be taken, but it seems that they were even
greater than us.
It is a powerful and frightening story.
It is the story of the death of the righteous at the moment of the revelation of
Hashem. It is almost as if Hashem’s entrance into this world requires this
offering; this sacrifice. It is only then that His presence and greatness can
fully be revealed. But why and but how, is the question that is more troubling
this year than ever before? Perhaps even more striking about the specific case
of Nadav and Avihu, is what did these two great people do wrong?
There doesn’t seem to be much clarity
besides that they brought a foreign fire into the Mishkan and even that itself seems
to have many different approaches amongst our sages about what specifically
does that means. There are some that say they brought incense from their own, that
they brought fire from outside the Temple, that they brought fire after the Divine
fire came down when they weren’t commanded to, although in general we do
require human fire. Some that they entered the Holy of Holies. Almost every
commentary has their own approach and those are just the ones that are trying
to work with Pshat- the simple text. On the more mystical or midrashic
level we are told of a whole plethora of other options. They did the service after
having imbibing wine. They put on the clothes of the Kohen that they weren’t
meant to. They never got married, they never had children. They were being
punished for having looked at the glory of Hashem by Har Sinai as they ate and
drank. They ruled a law in front of Moshe and Aharon they’re Rebbeim and
perhaps they even commented that they were waiting for them to die in order
that they would take their place in Jewish leadership. Whewww…. Does that give
you any clarity or inspiration? For two people that Moshe himself declared were
even greater than himself and Aharon that seems like a nice dirty laundry list.
Rav Shamshon Rafael Hirsh suggests an
approach that perhaps encompassing all of these ideas into one. He notes that
the Torah states that says it quite succinctly.
Vayikchu Bnai Aharon-
They viewed themselves as the children of Aharon. They were above asking advice
from anyone else. They were the children of the High Priest. They were great
and holy people. They were-
Nadav V’Avihu-
They were individuals that stood out. They didn’t see themselves as the role
that they were given as Kohanim to be mere messengers and agents of the nation
that they were meant to represent. And what
did they take?
Ish Machtoso-
Each man their own fire pan. It was their own sacrifice. It was personal. It
was not commanded. It came from a holy place and a desire to come close to
Hashem as much as possible. But they were missing the point of the Temple, of
the Mishkan, of the role that the Kohen was supposed to serve. Of the fire that
was meant to be brought in the Temple particularly on this special day.
In the words of Rav Hirsch, the temple
is the revelation of Hashem amongst all the people. The Kohen is medium that
doesn’t have any personal agenda at all. When he brings an offering, it is from
the nation. Particularly the Ketores- incense offering is brought on Yom
Kippur in the Holy of Holies when the Kohen Gadol goes in and the entire
nation’s heart and soul are there with him. We are all one and embodied in the Kohen
Gadol. The earth of the Mishkan is entire world in one place and the entire
nation of Hashem standing there bringing Hashem’s fire down. For them to bring
their own offering and fire is to miss the point. It’s not about them it’s
about Klal Yisrael.
There are some that see in that sin an example
of one who has drunk wine. Drinking wine brings out your own internal, your own
sod. Others see it as the sin of not getting married and not having children.
Being focused on your own pursuits to not expand oneself with joining with
others that will complete you. They wore clothing of the Kohanim that they
shouldn’t have because they were acting out of self-interest, their own
personal spiritual pursuits. They didn’t advise with one another, with Moshe,
with their father. They wanted to rise themselves as high as they could because
there was a spiritual fire burning in them. But it was a foreign fire. It wasn’t
the fire that came from above to the entire nation as one. It wasn’t a fire that
would reveal the God of Israel in all of them. It was a fire that wasn’t
commanded, it wasn’t in the Torah. It wasn’t the fire of Torah that would truly
make everyone see their own potential and Torah. It was a fire of death and not
a fire of Chayim- of life.
The honor of Hashem is revealed on that
holiest of day and moment when He shows us how precious we all are. When he
will even take the holiest and closest to him in order to show that any fire
that doesn’t bring out the light of the entire Jewish nation is not the one He
is looking for. Because it’s about all of us. It’s because we all have a spark
that we need to bring up. That we can bring up. We are all Reb Chayim’s. We don’t
have to leave our room. We all aren’t meant to be leaders, to be Roshei
Yeshiva, to be community activists. But we all have a letter in the Torah that is
ours. That only we can reveal. That Hashem’s name is in it and that is mirrored
in our soul. When we reveal that the shechina and fire from above will descend.
We will finally be redeemed.
The passing of a Gadol- a Tzadik reveals
that spark to us. It shows us what we can become. How powerful that light of
Torah can shine. But the Tzadik is part of us. We are all connected to him and
part of us had died. It was the part that gave us light that we have to now ignite
in ourselves. The Shechina is coming. Hashem wishes to be honored al pnai ha’am
echabeid- on and from all His nation. For now Va’cheichem Bnai Yisrael yivku es Ha’sreifa asher saraf Hashem- we cry,
we mourn, we lament the loss of the fire Hashem has taken from us. May that mourning
be the last before the great day of rejoicing.
Have a meaningful and holy Shabbos,
Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz
*************************
HEY
GUYS!
PURIM IS OVER AND PESACH IS RIGHT AROUND THE
CORNER? ARE YOU READY YET?
WELL
IF YOU HAVEN”T ORDER RABBI SCHWARTZES
MOST ENJOYABLE BOOKS YOU”LL EVER READ ABOUT PESACH VOLUME I AND II
THAN
I DON”T THINK SO….
Five years ago Rabbi Schwartz published his original work
aptly titled
"The
Most Enjoyable Book You'll Ever Read About Pesach"
http://holylandinsights.blogspot.com/2016/04/rabbi-schwartzs-new-bookmost-enjoyable.html
That totally sold out and has been since reprinted
Last year during CORONA he came out with his second volume
“Your Most Enjoyable You’ll
Ever Read About Pesach Book 2.0.
https://holylandinsights.blogspot.com/2022/03/rabbi-schwartzs-next-most-enjoyable.html
From the slave pits in Egypt to the jungles of Africa, the
streets of Jerusalem to the locked-down houses in Karmiel, Rabbi Ephraim
Schwartz with his enthusiasm, inspiration and laughter, guides you through the
holiday of Pesach as you've never experienced it before.
Whether you've joined him on tours, read his
Mishpacha magazine columns, been inspired by his teachings, or whether
you just like his picture on the cover of this book, you are sure to be
enlightened, inspired and entertained. Forget about the lockdowns, forget about
the masks, step into the light of freedom and appreciate Pesach in the most
enjoyable way
GREAT CHAPTERS INCLUDE
IMAGINARY WORLDS
SCAR-PLACE
JUNGLE TIME
CORO-NACHAS
THE FIRST SEDER
ZAYDIE MAYSEHS
PLAGUE-DEMIC
HITTING THE JACKPOT
GALUS AMERICA
THE MORNING AFTER
and much much more
It's the perfect Pesach Prep book, an amazing Seder
accompaniment and the perfect way to enjoy your holiday as never before
From the back cover
Quotes- That Were 'Never'
Said
Our father is a very wise man and we love
listening quietly at the Shabbos table to his Torah E-mails -My children
This book will cure Corona; if you read it you
will not need a vaccine, you will not need to be locked down, and your children
will go to school forever. Trust us we know what we are doing- The Ministry of Health.
This book contains no pictures of women and
barely mentions any female names— besides the ones who make chulent- Most
Jewish magazines
The best part of the lockdown is the quality
family time we've enjoyed while developing new healthy eating habits. Please
pass the Brussels sprouts -
the Author.
THE BOOK IS ALREADY IN AMERICA
(taking up place in
my brother in laws house who is on standby to ship them all out…)
SO…please respond to this E-Mail to Rabbi Schwartz
The book is one for $20
(65 NIS) donation to the Young Israel of Karmiel and Rabbi Schwartz'es weekly
insights or both for $36
(plus $5 shipping in
States where necessary)
Please be in touch and support our local Shul and give your
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If you missed the VOLUME I original Book
"The Most Enjoyable Book You'll Ever Read About
Pesach"
you can order both for the special price
$36 (120 NIS) !!
With the same instructions as above!
***********************
IT’S THAT TIME OF MONTH!!
RABBI SCHWARTZES LATEST MISHPACHA MAGAZINE TOUR
Check out this month’s fantastic amazing enlightening tour of
the incredibly historic city of Torah
TIVERYA
https://mishpacha.com/bread-upon-the-waters/
Great stories and history that you never knew about this city!
A tour like you’ve never seen before.
Like the column?
Tell them, share, like, comment and make sure to come soon and
visit
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A LETTER FROM GOD
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RABBI SCHWARTZ’S FAVORITE YIDDISH
PROVERB OF THE WEEK
Fun naches lebt men nit; fun tsores shtarbt men nit...- One is not kept alive by ‘nachas’, nor
does troubles alone cause death.
RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO OF THE
WEEK
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DPoHlvPvEc
– If you have not yet seen this yet. You don’t want
to miss it… Rabbi Schwartz at the Artscroll Siyum Yerushalmi video touring
Tiverya
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnBS8bEPVm8
– The Funeral of the
century of Reb Chayim Kanievsky ZT”L
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyJmo2o38lU – Incredible backstory of Reb Chayim and
the grasshopper (Hebrew)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0py6mgJ74ws
–
with his wife the late Rebbetzin reciting Birchas Hatorah
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZyAqe-uc_Y
– Incredible glimpse into greatness English video of footage, stories and
interview with his son
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM
QUESTION OF THE WEEK
answer below at end of Email
20)
A Shi’ite terrorist organization operating in our area: _________
A key figure in the Shi’ite
religious conception is:
A)
Omar
B)
Hussein
C)
Abu Bakr
D)
Uthman (Osman)
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S PARSHA/SHABBOS CONNECTION
OF THE WEEK
The 8th Day of the Week -Parshat Shemini- Hold on a
second. Isn’t there only 7 days of the week. Well it depends on how you keep
Shabbos. Didn’t you always wish you had an extra day. Don’t the weeks go by so
fast. I know I certainly wouldn’t mind an extra day. Well this week you’ll
learn that it’s not that far off.
See our parsha this week is called Shemini, for it was
the 8th day after the 7 day of inauguration of the Mishkan. Moshe
had put it up and taken it down every day and the Shechina had yet to descend.
On the 8th day which was the first of Nissan it all came together. The
Divine presence finally came down. We had finally arrived. The moment of
Creation’s purpose had become realized. Hashem’s presence was here in this
world. What is the significance though of the number 8? Why is that the title
of the Parsha? Seemingly it is more significantly the 1sst of Nissan the day
when all ten crowns were given to the world as Rashi says. A better name might
be ‘Ba’yom-on the day’ for the Parsha.
Yet through out Judaism we find the symbolism of the number
8 as being above Creation; above the physical world. The 8th day of
Sukkos is when we are alone with Hashem on Shemini Atzeres. Our Bris is on 8th
day because we rise above the rest of the physical world making a covenant with
Hashem. Our miraculous holiday of Chanuka is 8 days. 8 is above all. Yet Shabbos
it would seem is only day 7. But it’s not.
The Nesivos Sholom notes that Shabbos has two aspects to
it and in fact it is the 7th and 8th day together. There are
two mitzvos of Shabbos as we know Zachor and Shamor- to observe
and to remember Shabbos. The positive commandments and the negative
commandments. We have Shabbos of Creation which commemorates the 7th
day when Hashem rested from creation and sanctified the world. And then we have
Shabbos that is Zecher l’yitziyas Mitzrayim- that reminds us of how
Hashem miraculously took us out of Egypt. How he chose us from all nations. How
he gave us a special present from his hidden treasure room called Shabbos. That
is the 8th day. That is as well the Shabbos experience that rises
above this world.
In one of our Shabbos songs we say kol mikadesih shevi’I
karu’I lo- all who sanctifies the 7th day is as it is fit-
however it continues ko shomer Shabbos- he observes the Shabbos- then schoro
harbei me’od- he will have great reward. If you only observe the Shabbos as
the end of the 6 days of Creation as the 7th day so to speak then you
will get as much as you put into it. As much as you deserve and prepared in the
6-day world out of it. If however you observe Shabbos as the special gift of Hashem.
The Shabbos that is above this world. Then your reward as well is beyond this
world. It is infinite. It is above the 7 heavens. It is the taste of Olam Ha’bah.
It is perhaps why we
are told there is a double portion on Shabbos, why we take two loaves of
bread, and why we are given a second soul- a neshoma yeseira. Shabbos is the
day that is a doubled day. It’s a day when we reach the 8th. When we
move beyond the world. Have a long great weekend by celebrating it!
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN
ISRAEL OF THE WEEK
Kings, Sins and
Wars- 780 BC- The story of both kingdoms, Yehudah and
Yisrael continues its downhill slide. Rechavam rules for 17 years
and is replaced by his son Aviya and Yeravam for 22 years. In the
kingdom of Yehuda the navi tells us that there were houses and Asheira trees
of idolatry on every hilltop as well as houses of ill repute and licentiousness.
All of the abominations of the Canaanite nations that lived in the land
before them. Sadly, and tragically one can almost say that much of that is
still true today.
Hashem didn’t wait long with Rechavam and Yehuda to
punish them. He sent Shishak the King of Egypt to come up to attack
them. He came with 60,000 soldiers on horses and 1200 chariots a huge army and
they captured the cities of Yehuda. In Yerushalayim the prophet
Shemaya rebuked the Jews and they did teshuva and they were spared. But
Shishak cleaned out the treasures of the Temple and of Shlomo including
taking Shlomo’s famous throne and golden shields. He then returned home
to Egypt.
It’s always nice when archeology and Tanach meet but we in
fact have a record of this journey and battle of Shishak discovered by a
Temple to the Egyptian god Amun in Karnak Egypt by Thebes.
There it lists 150 cities that he
conquered on this war rampage. As well in Megiddo there was a stele that
was discovered that seemed as if it was a victory seal from Shishak’s
conquest.
Besides the battles and conflict from the external forces
there was internal strife as well. Rechavam’s son Aviya decided
to wage war against Yeravam and the Northern kingdom of Israel. In
Divrey Hayamim we are told about the 400,000 soldiers of Aviya and Yehudah
against the 800,000 of Yeravam’s soldiers of the 10 tribes. The battle
took place on Har Tzemarim in the Mountains of Ephraim which
seemingly is near the border of Binyamin by the city of Beit El.
Can you imagine a battle that big between brothers? It makes Ukraine and Russia
look like a neighborhood street brawl. And yet despite being outnumbered Aviya
viciously ambushes Yeravam’s army and wipes out a half million Jews.
According to Chazal he wickedly disfigured their bodies so that they’re wives
would remain agunas never to get married again. Of course he did this all in
the name of Hashem and for the honor of the Temple and Jerusalem. There is no
evil like religious fanaticism that can be self-delusional and bring out this
kind of atrocity. Perhaps even a greater irony our sages point out is that
after capturing Beit El he didn’t destroy the Temple or golden calves Yeravam
had placed there. So much for frumkeit…
Yeravam survives the
battle and rules for a few more years, but when he dies the kingdom will deteriorate
even more as we fall further and further away from the reason why we were
brought to the land.
RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE FUNERAL JOKES OF THE WEEK
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. – I’m not really
a mourning person.
When Berel was younger,
he just hated going to family weddings. All of his uncles and aunts used to
come up to him, poke him in the ribs, giggle, and say to him, "You're
next, Berel." But they stopped
doing that after Berel started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
A
man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral. This friend asks his wife "Can
I say a word?"
“Of
course” she says.
The
man stands up and says "Plethora"
The
man’s wife says “Thanks, it means a lot”
They
asked me to speak at this funeral, and I said “Of corpse”!
Moe
Levine used to run the local bus service line from Monsey to Manhattan. When has
passed away at age 65, the newspaper obit read.
"The
funeral will be held on Thursday at 7:30, 8:10, 10:20, 5:30, 8:40 and
10:50."
Sally
Roth, on elderly lady from New York was getting her final affairs in order. She
prepared her will and made her final arrangements. As part of these
arrangements she met with her Rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service
she wanted, etc. She told her Rabbi she had two final requests. First, she
wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over
Bloomingdales.
“Cremation!” said Rabbi Rosenberg. “God Forbid, do you realize
that this is forbidden by the Torah?”
“I
do indeed,” said Mrs. Roth.
“I’d
like to speak with you about this Mrs. Roth,”
said Rabbi Rosenberg. “Before we do that, may I ask, why Bloomingdales?”
"That
way,” said Mrs. Roth, “I know my
daughters will visit me twice a week."
Howard
was 90 years old, very ill and in the hospital, and his Rabbi went to pay him a
visit.
As
the Rabbi walked up to the bed, Howard 's condition began to deteriorate, and
he motioned frantically for something to write on. When the Rabbi gave him a
pencil and a piece of paper, Howard used his last ounce of energy to write a
short note. Then he died.
The
Rabbi placed the note in his jacket pocket and said prayers.
Later,
at Howard’s funeral, as the Rabbi was finishing the eulogy, he suddenly
remembered the note.
"I’ve
just remembered," said the Rabbi to
those present, "that Howard handed me a note just before he died. I
haven't looked at it yet, but knowing Howard, I'm sure there's a word of
comfort in it for all of us."
The
Rabbi opened the note and read, "Help, you're standing on my oxygen
tube!"
Sam died. His will provided $50,000 for an
elaborate funeral. As the last attendees left, Sam's wife Rose turned to her
oldest friend Sadie and said, "Well, I'm sure Sam would be
pleased."
"I'm sure you're right," replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered
her voice to a whisper. "Tell me, how much did it really cost?"
"All of it," said Rose. "Fifty-thousand."
"No!" Sadie exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but
really... $50,000?"
Rose nodded. "The funeral was $6,500. I
donated $500 to the shul for the Rabbi's services. The shiva food and drinks
were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Sadie computed quickly. "$42,500 for a
memorial stone? Oy vey, how big is
it?"
"Seven and a half carats
Friends and family were at Finchley cemetery for
Moshe’s funeral. Just before the funeral service commenced, Rabbi Zeller goes
over to Ruth, a very elderly widow, and asks, "So how old was
Moshe?"
"He was 99, kin-a-hora," replies Ruth, "two years older than
me."
"So you must be 97?" says Rabbi Zeller.
Ruth replies, "Yes, hardly worth going
back home is it?"
Moishe meets Arnold at their social club and
asks how Abe’s funeral went the other day.
"It went OK, Moishe," replied Arnold, "but at the end of the Rabbi’s
eulogy, I had to try and stop myself from laughing aloud."
"Why was that?" asks Moishe.
"Well," says Arnold,
"throughout his marriage to Miriam, she was always telling me what a mean
man he was. He never had a steady job and the money he brought home to her
wasn't enough for food and clothing, let alone holidays. Yet he drank heavily
and often stayed out all night gambling. Altogether, a good husband he was not.
But at the funeral, the Rabbi spoke of how wonderful the deceased was - so
considerate, so beloved, so thoughtful to others. Then, when the Rabbi had
finished, I heard Miriam say to one of her children, "Do me a favour,
David, go see whether it’s your father in the coffin."
“According to most studies, people's number
one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does
that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral,
you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”― Jerry Seinfeld
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his
way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat
next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be
sitting there.
‘No,’
says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘
This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the Final and not use it?’
The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat
belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This
is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’
‘Oh,
I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else,
a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?
’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says.
‘They’re all at the funeral.’
*******************************
Answer
is B – I would’ve skipped this
one. I really don’t know Islam well and it really never interested me much.
Just a bunch of Arab vildeh chayas killing each other and us. The truth
is although politically I should know the differences between Shia and Sunni Islam,
all I pretty much remember is that one broke off after Muhammed died and didn’t’
accept his successor and backed his son-in-law Ali instead. Which is which I
really don’t know and which terror organization is which I also forget. I know
that Hezballah is one and Hamas is another. I guessed Hamas was Shiah but I was
wrong. Turns out they’re Sunni while Hezballah is Shi’ite. So got that wrong.
And then again I didn’t have much of a clue about Part B so I guessed Omar
which sounded familiar, but I was wrong it was Hussein the son of Ali who was murdered
that was the correct answer. But as I said I would have definitely skipped this
one as I really had no clue. But still the count must go on. So the score is
now Schwartz 16 and 4 for MOT (Ministry of Tourism) on this exam.
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