Insights and Inspiration
from the
Holy Land
from
Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz
"Your friend in Karmiel"
August 22nd 2025 -Volume 14 Issue 42 28th of Av 5785
Chummus, techina, matbucha, Turkish salad, eggplant, smoked and fake liver flavor, roasted garlic, and sechug. Herring- maatjes, mustard flavor, wine flavor-you know the good sweet one, shmaltz and of course don't forget the sour cream one- pareve of course, we need to eat flayshigs afterwards and all types of crackers. And why not pick up some ptcha or galleh depending on where you're from for those that like it. And now the real fun begins. Cold cuts- so so many cold cuts, roast beef, pastrami, corned beef, turkey- honey smoked, bbq and I like those good old fashioned meal mart ones in circles that you can eat out in the middle or roll up around a good Flaum's or Schwartz's pickle. Liver, can't forget that. Yes both chopped and roasted with sweet fried onions in wine sauce. Meatboards, jerky and hard salami and now for the hot stuff. Chulent with lots of kishka of course. ,yapchik, overnight potato kugel, Yerushalmi Kugel. Am I forgetting anything?
I'm not a big cake and dessert person. But of course there has to be sunflower seeds, pistachios, real cold watermelon, sorbet and lots of those jelly candies that my dentist loves that I eat. I even think he invests in the company. Especially those Coca Cola shaped bottle ones. I think we've got everything covered now. We should be good to go. My shopping list is now complete. My preparations for the month of Elul and all of the necessary things I need to get ready for the High Holidays in this upcoming month of Teshuva and repentance is set to go. Let the zman begin!
What?! Did you think I was preparing a shopping list for some obscene American food fest Kiddush? Or maybe even shalom zachor? I don't know what goes on and what the standards are in Lakewood these days… But from what I hear… who knows? But chas v'shalom, that I should ever shop like that for something as minor as a kiddush. Especially since my gastric stomach surgery. No, no, no… this is not a food shopping list. It's for my sefarim shank. It's my Mussar sefarim. It's how I can best get ready to obtain true deep meaningful yiras shamayim- awe and fear of heaven. It's how to prepare for the Yom Noraim- the upcoming High Holidays of Awe.
Huh? You're looking at me strangely now. What am I talking about? You've gone to many yeshivos and you've never seen herring on the sefarim shanks? You've heard many shmoozim and lectures from big rabbis and mashgiachs- (no not the kosher food types (although seemingly that title for them would make more sense to you after reading this E-Mail and will never let you look at them the same way again)- and none of them after told you to be me'ayen and delve into the great works of the Kishka Gaon, and the yaptchiker rav and the Mussar giant of galleh. Well, then it's a good thing you came here. See, because unlike them, I read the parsha this week, that Hashem has us read every year before the month of Elul begins. The Parsha that Hashem calls Re'eh- See. Check out the great smorgasbord. Learn this well. Because this is the way, you will find Me. This is the way you will become the people and nation that I want and meant you to become.
Think I'm making this up? Let's crack the parsha a bit. We'll start with the verses I'm talking about which pretty much reads like I wrote it above and then we'll explore the entire menu together.
In the fifth aliya, after listing all of the kosher and non-kosher foods that we're meant to and allowed to eat- or not, Hashem commands us of the mitzva of Ma'aser Sheni. The mitzva is that four out of every seven years (the 1st, 2nd. 4th and 5th year of the shemitta/sabbatical cycle). We are meant to take 10% -a tithe, of all of our produce and bring it up to Jerusalem and eat it there. If you had a real good year and have too much to shlep with you, or alternatively you'd like to have something else that's good to eat besides those tomatoes and watermelons that you grew, then it's no problem. You can just redeem it and cash it in and then use the money to buy some great shwarma, herring or meat-boards when you get to Yerushalayim. What's the function of this mitzva? Hashem tells us, it's to prepare for Elul.
Devarim (14:23) You must eat this tithe of your grain, wine, and oil—as well as the firstborn of your cattle and of your flocks—before Hashem, your God, in the place to which He will choose to reside His Name…
See, I'm not making this up. And it's not only the grain, meat, fruit, cattle and first born prime rib either that you tithed for it continues and tells us that you can and should purchase
Ibid (14:26) whatever your soul desires—cattle, flocks, new wine or old wine, or whatever your soul desires.
Not sure what it is your heart desires? Check out the menu at the first part of this E-Mail or go to Yanky Lakewoodstiens Shalom Zachor tonight. Or better yet check out that exotic menu of beef, poultry, birds, venison, fish and even chocolate covered grasshoppers that Hashem provided you with in the previous aliya. Wouldn't it be cool if some big gevir making a wedding had a buffet like that for you to choose from? But what does this have to do with Elul and Mussar, you're wondering? Well check out the reason why Hashem gives us this important mitzva and has us read and learn it now.
L'ma'an tilmad li'yirah es Hashem Elokecha kol ha'yamim- in order to learn how to fear and have awe of Hashem all of your days.
What days? All of your days. What days? Certainly these up coming yamim nora'aim- the days dedicated to learning yirah, preparing for the fear and awe of Hashem. Do you want to prepare yourself for Elul, Hashem says. You don't need a Mesilas Yesharim, a Sha'arei Teshuva, an Orchos Tzadikim, a Chovos Ha'levavos or a Derech Hashem. Yiras Hashem isn't in your Bais Medrash sefarim shank, it's in your refrigerator. It's in the makolet in Yerushalayim. It's in the shwarma store next to the Bais Ha'Mikdash. That's where Hashem tells us each year we need to go to prepare for Elul. To become a nation that fears and is in awe of Hashem.
If you think I'm getting carried away here and am missing the boat. I'm not. In fact in another few weeks as we get closer to the High holidays we start saying selichos and viduy. Sefardim already start this week. Ouch! Yet before we Ashkenazim start the Torah tells us that we have to say viduy. Hashem teaches us the proper confession that we are meant to say. Do you know what it is? It's the viduy ma'aser. It's the confession that we didn't really crack the refrigerator Mussar shelf enough. It's that we tell Hashem that we brought all of our great food and money and spent it in Yerushalayim and had amazing meals there. Reb Leizer Sorotzkin in his great work Oznayim La'Torah tells us there that is a much harder and more important confession to make then the typical aii yah yaii yaii Ashamnu Bagadnu Gazalnu song we sing and bang our chests with. True Yiras Hashem is an amazing smorgasbord and kiddush. Aren't you glad you get this weekly E-Mail?
The question though is why? What's pshat? Why is this so revolutionary? And perhaps why have you never heard this before from any Rabbi or Mashgiach. I can't answer that last question, but it's probably why we're in galus so long. I'm kind of sick of this galus thing already, though. The introduction to parshat Ki Tavo in fact is the conclusion of Ki Teitzei, which mentions the mitzva to wipe out Amalek. To kill every single man woman, child and baby of that nation that wants to destroy us. This mitzva is how we do that. This is how we beat them. It's not Torah, it's not Mussar, it's not even guns, missiles or Donald Trump. It's taking all of their food and humanitarian aid and eating it ourselves and starving them to death…. Ok just joking about that last piece. Sort of. OK maybe not…
But seriously, the mitzva is to understand and appreciate that which Amalek tries to destroy in us. That we are the sons of Hashem, as the Torah tells us in the introduction to this mitzva. That we are sitting on the table of Hashem. That the food that we are eating is called manas ha'melech- it is the menu and portion of the King. We're His family. It's His royal spread that He's prepared for us. If we have a meal like that. If every delicious bite that we take we feel He's putting it in our mouth. He has it on a spoon and we're sitting in His High chair and He's waving that spoon around like an airplane even and making funny noises while He Hand feeds us. That Totty prepared the meal just for us. Then Amalek disappears. Then they have no strength. Then we are in awe of Hashem. Then we are happy. Then there is no more sadness, no worry, no hostages, no war, no Corona. There's just peace. There's just love. We are Home.
There's a saying that Kallah teachers don't teach enough to their students, and that is that "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach". There is a similar lesson as well that too many Rabbis and yeshivos don't teach to their students and that is this lesson. The way to Hashem's heart is through our stomachs. Torah, Mussar, Elul is all the intellectual and spiritual. It's the brain, it's regret, it's remorse, it's fear and trepidation. It generally doesn't taste too good. But Hashem wants our heart. He wants our kishkas. He wants His children like every good father does, to have taste that love. To see how much He cares for them. To feel truly happy. To come Home and sit with Him at a good Shabbos table. To bring their friends along with them and have them join us for supper at the Waldorf. So that they can as well see and enjoy how much I love my children. Even if it costs an arm and a leg to treat them all there. Money is no object. Our Father is a billionaire. He wants all of His children to feel and to say "What an awesome Dad, you have!" I have…
Parshat Re'eh is the parsha that tells us to come see. To come to Yerushalayim. To see the blessing, to receive the blessing. To visit Hashem on our holidays. To bask in His glory and sit at His table with Him. Galus- Exile. That's not home. Do you know anyone that chooses to stay on vacation forever? That thinks it's their home? That struggles, that works, that tries to make a life for themselves, all the while their Father is waiting for them to come see Him. To cook for him, to serve him, to eat and rejoice with Him. Can't you see that? If you can't then you need to give some ma'aser. You need to give the ma'aser to yourself. Ma'aser sheini, a trip to Abba's table.
Rav Kook notes that every ma'aser and tithe that we give whether it's to the Kohen, the Levi, the poor person, all the charity that the Torah tells us in this week's parsha that we need to give to the widow, the orphan, the downtrodden, they're all about us filling a void for someone. It's taking care of someone that's lacking something. Ma'aser sheini, when we eat that smorgasbord, ourselves is the highest level. It is by that ma'aser above all others that Hashem gives the promise give a tithe so that you will become rich. It's not said about the charity we give to others, rather it's the one that we take for ourselves. It's the recognition that there is a Yerushalayim inside of me that is empty and that needs to be full. That my Father is not with me at the table. That I'm far away from Him. That I want, that I need to see Him. Because He is awesome. Because it is only there that I can experience joy. So I can eat lifnei Hashem. Before the King, from the plate of the King. From my Father's table.
Amalek, says we don't have that table. The world that opposes us will do every thing it can from us getting back there. The Satan will even make it comfortable for us in other places and give me other Mussar sefarim to learn, that teach me about regret, shame, repentance, fear of anti-Semitism, gezeiros, cruises, and political correctness to distract me from thinking about that good meal at my Father's table. In his heavenly dining room, He is waiting for us to join Him in His palace. This Monday Iy"h we will start blowing the shofar… It's not just a call to wake up, it's not just a call for and blast for Mashiach, it's not just about remembering that sacrifice of the binding of Yitzchak. It's a dinner bell. The shmorg is about to start. Are you ready to open your fridge and pull out that Mussar sefer sitting there and bring it to Totty… If you are then hopefully this year we will truly merit to be with our King at His table re"joy"ned. V'samachta B'Chagecha- V'hayisa Ach Samayach, with only happiness forever.
Have a feastfully delicious Shabbos,
Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz
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YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK
“Ess, bench, sei a mensch!"- Eat, bless (Hashem) be a mentch!
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK
31. A 1950s State of Israel national project which proved to be a large scale ecological mistake was
______
The rock typical of "Abrasion Platforms" (“Tavlaot Gidud”) is:
A. Sandstone
B. Basalt
C. Tuff
D. Scoria
RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO OF THE WEEK
https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/ponecha-your-face – This week we kick off our Rabbi Schwartz Elul play list with my incredible composition and with Dovid Lowy on arrangements and Vocals. Es Panecha- I search out Yur face Hashem
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5StSBbMKeI8 – Bardak's latest Dad's Summer Camp,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9K4y409u2iw&list=RD9K4y409u2iw&start_radio=1 – Motty Shteimetz's latest release Melech!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2akXVQU8mhU&list=RD2akXVQU8mhU&start_radio=1 - And the latest TYH release of this riddiculus new genre of dumb jewish swishy swishy yum yum songs with Zum Gali Zum Gali
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK
Hostage Return, but Ultimate Failure - 586 BC - After the assassination of Gedalia ben Achikam, the day after Rosh Hashana and just a few months after the Churban, Klal Yisrael was in a bad despondent mode. Yishmael Ben Netanya after murdering the other Jews in Mitzpa, took hostages and captives with him back towards Amon. Amon of course is Jordan today. In fact it's why the capital is called Amman. Gedaliah's surviving adviser who had warned him about the impending attack and who Gedalia disregarded, felt it was up to him to return the hostages home. He took the special forces unit and chased after Yishmael, ultimately catching up with them by the pool of Givon, which is in the modern village of El Jib near Nebi Samuel and freeing them, Yishmael however escaped back to Ammon.
Here we once again come to a turning point or perhaps more accurately a failed opportunity. Much like the Palestinians and perhaps even the Israelis today, we never fail to miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity. The Navi Yirmiyahu and his student Baruch Ben Neriyah tell Yochanan and the Jews that they should stay in Israel. Don't run away. Don't leave the country. We can rebuild. We can start again. Hashem will be with us. Yet, Yochanan and the Jews with him are too fearful. They are scared that Nevuchadnezzar will come take revenge upon them, for the murder of his appointed regent Gedalia. Thus they decide to flee to Mitzrayim. To Pharaoh, he will protect us from Nevuchadnezzar. There we will have food, we will have security. Hashem has left the holy land. We need to start again with our Torah in Africa, Spain, Portugal, England, Amsterdam, Poland, Hungary, Czechoslavakia, Volozhin, Vilna, Mezibuzh, Mezritch, America, Lakewood, Jackson… Egypt.
Yirmiyahu pleads with them to stay. He tells them Hashem regrets having destroyed the Temple. He will protect us from Nevuchadnezzar. Egypt is a bad move. It's not safe. Nowhere else will be safe. They will ultimately kill us there. They will kill us everywhere. Hashem wants us in His Home. In His palace. Please don't leave. Please stay. Here it will be good. But the people don't listen. They not only go down to Egypt, but they even take Yirmiyahu and Baruch with them. And thus the era of the first Temple ends. Not with the churban, but rather with our obstinate stiff-necked refusal to believe that Hashem wanted and wants us to remain here in Israel. To be at His side. What happens to the Jews who get exiled to Egypt. Stay tuned next week, but I imagine can you probably figure it out.
RABBI SCHWARTZ’S REALLY TERRIBLE BUFFET JOKES OF THE WEEK
Why did the chicken return to the buffet? To get to the other sides
I always feel like a 9 or 10 after I leave a buffet.... Because I over ate.
With all the instant messaging and texting lingo going around - with abbreviations like "LOL" and "OMG" and "BTW" - I asked a young lady named Kaila if she would be going to shul this Shabbat, and she replied to me "JFK."
"JFK? What does that mean?", I asked.
Kaila answered politely, "Just for Kiddush."
I was at a Chinese buffet filling up my plate when I noticed something move in one of the food trays.
I disregarded it and continued filling up my plate before heading back to the table. After I finished I went up again and made sure to keep an eye on that tray and lo and behold something moved again! This time I get a better look and it appeared to be a pair of eyes pop up, see me and quickly hide under the food again. I knew I had seen some eyes so I went over to the server and said 'excuse me but there's something alive in that tray.'
He replied, 'oh, that's the Peking duck.'
Mahatma Gandhi decides to open an all you can eat buffet. After thinking about a slogan for a while he settles on: “Gandhi’s, when hunger strikes.
I was too late to the cannibal buffet. They just gave me the cold shoulder
A group of sheep walk into a buffet. The waiter approaches the group and says, "the ladies can eat, but the men will only be able to order drinks".
"Baaa... care to explain yourself?" asks one of the rams
"I'm sorry Sir, but as the sign stated on the door, this is an all ewe can eat buffet".
Did you hear about the clock that went to the buffet? It went back four seconds.
A scientist wanted to go to a buffet restaurant but they were closed for the day. So he got into his time machine and went back two hours. And after he ate a plate of spaghetti he was still hungry.
So he went back four seconds.
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The answer to this week”s question is A- Oy another week another only 50/50 score on this question. The first part I got right. It was easy. I tour the Hula valley all the time and talk about the swamp that was once there, that they drained and afterwards realized that it was a mistake and waited another 40 years until they restored it. But it did lead to the first National Park and Nature reserve of Israel and the entire Park system that we have here today. Part II I didn't have a clue, although I was thinking that it was sandstone but figured that was too natural and chose tuf instead. I should've gone with my first instinct though, as sandstone and the entire Sharon coastline by Herzelia and Netanya is made up of this stone that is formed from the wave and water abrasion. Really doing bad on this exam. The score is now Rabbi Schwartz 19.5 Ministry of Tourism 11.5 on this exam so far.AS of now I'm not passing, if I'd have to answer all the questions. B"H I have two more Q's left and we'll see. But either way I get to deduct five questions so I should be fine.
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