Incense and Pontifications
from the
ScrollyLand
Your Fiend in Karmiel
Rabite Ephraim “Mishpacha columnist of the
year” Schwartz
March 21st 9102 BW (BackWards) – Volume 9(9 bottles of beer on the wall) Tissue 20 14th Adar 5779
Rabbi Schwartz's long awaited for annual Purim
E-Mail and Top Ten List...
Out of This World
We went to the
moon. How crazy is that? I knew that Israelis are smart. We invented Waze, I
guess Israelis, after hearing upon asking for directions too many times, the
typical yashar yashar v’sham tish’al- straight-straight-and-then-ask-someone-else,
response, had no choice but to come up
with something better. Something that could really make your life miserable
when it doesn’t work.
We also invented that
annoying mobile-eye thing that keeps beeping incessantly every time you drive
close to the person in front of you who is going 5 miles an hour, because it’s
hard for him to eat a shwarma, light a cigarette and accelerate at the same
time. In areas of medicine they’ve come up with drugs for Gauchers, Parkinsons,
some type of camera in a pill and robot eko-skeletons. Heck we’ve almost got
the whole cancer thing figured out, so people could start smoking again. As a
backup plan we’re one of the leaders in marijuana development so that there
will be something to smoke just in case. Hey, Our mission is to make the world
High, right? Higher and Higher Higher and Higher hiier and hiiier and hiiier…
as Shlomo Carlebach would sing.
Now as you know these
weekly missives that you receive are not just merely the fruit of a weary tired
tour guide and Rabbi who doesn’t want to do the dishes or put his children to
bed and finds refuge behind his laptop. Sometimes they take a long time to go
to sleep and therefore it’s their fault these E-Mails are so long. OK so maybe
the E-mail writing thing a little about getting out of all that. But they are
also about chulent. Sorry it’s been two paragraphs and I had to get that word
in. But really, as you know these E-Mails are about sharing some inspiration of
Eretz Yisrael to those of you that are stranded in exile. As well it’s about
inspiring those of you exiled here in Israel to feel as blessed as well. Despite
the fact that you haven’t a good corn beef sandwich in a while and you’ve
gotten robbed by every utility, bank and government agency. So your kids are
going off the derech- because of course that only happens here as the
Rabbis in America who dissuade you to make Aliyah tell you-, you are in debt,
and you live in a country where unlike America where you have to choose between
the lesser of two evils to run your country, here we have about 37 different
incompetent, uncouth, ganavim to choose from. But at least you’re
getting a mitzvah by living here and we have better falafel. See how
blessed my E-mail makes you feel?
So I take this job
seriously. I spend countless hours each week finding jokes for you. Youtube
clips, and finding oddball facts about Jewish history and personal anecdotes to
somehow trick you into unintentionally reading a Torah thought on the parsha.
Particularly Purim time when I get more
readers than usual, I want this column to be well-researched and accurate. So
being that I’m writing about Israeli innovation, as a segue of course to our
top ten list, I figured I would pull out my googler rebbe and see what great
things Israel has accomplished. I’m sure you’ve been wondering what all those
Nobel Prizes were about.
Did you know that Israel
invented the golden hamster- first domesticated for pet use by a Hebrew
University of Jerusalem zoologist in 1930? I’m not making this up. It’s right
there on Wikipedia. Who else could invent a rodent that runs around in a circle
chasing its own tail? Only a country that has experience with beauracracy that
has you doing that from the moment you get your first teudat zehut.
We also invented the
world’s smallest video camera? It’s about a 1/3rd of an inch. It’s
good for endoscopies and finding whatever money might be left after in your
bank account after the Israeli tax authority steals their share, or if Ocasio-
Cortez or Bernie Sanders becomes your next president. We invented the
microprocessor and USB sticks or as they call them here deesk-un-kee. If
you’ve noticed a theme here. We make things very small. We don’t have a lot of
room in our country and we know how to make it on the bare minimum. Yooo dohn’t
need dees is what they tell you when you wonder why pieces of whatever
appliance, shower piece or self-construct thing you buy that are left over in
the box. Eet is extra they tell you. Until the whole thing falls apart a
week later. At least they think you can make it on the bare minimum.
But of course nothing
comes close to flying to the moon. Russia, the US, China and small little
Israel. But unlike those freiyers (Israeli lingo for suckers) we got someone to
sponsor it. Whadaya think? The Israeli tax payer is gonna pay for a mishegas
like that. It’s not just that we’re too cheap to pay for it. It’s that if there
is an opportunity to make a buck on something by putting a sponsorship plaque
on it, we Israelis can’t resist. Hey, remember we’re the ones that convinced
millions of American for decades that their Bar Mitzvah boys would like nothing
more than a certificate that says “A tree has been planted in Israel in your
honor”. Worst gift ever, by the way. There are millions of people walking
around with silly red strings that we convinced them will bring them good luck.
They have even convinced the entire country here that it makes sense that they
should charge you a fee to deposit money in your own bank account. We are
certainly not going to miss out on an opportunity to sell people “the moon”
literally.
Now just because this
launch and landing takes place in Adar should not be a reason for you to think
this is a Purim joke. There is a lot of significance between Purim and the Moon
launch. Not just that Ha”moon” tried to destroy us, that hamoontash are shaped
like rockets, and that we were saved by Queen Eh-STAR. Nor is that you are
supposed to drink until you are flying high and seeing stars. It’s not even
that we named our first rocket ship Beer-(reishit). After the Gold-“Star” beer of course. Rather Purim is about
revealing the hiddenness of this world.
Finding Hashem where His name is yet to be found. We have been very
successful in revealing Hashem in this world. He is in Lakewood, Boro Park,
Williamsburgh and Karmiel of course. It is now time before Mashiach comes, to
reveal him in that “final frontier” outer space. (Start humming the Star Trek
tune now….) So it is certainly appropriate to, in this last month before
Mashiach god willing comes, to head up in to space and reveal Hashem.
So in honor of this
special historic moment, I have chosen to dedicate this years Top Ten List to
give you none other than the…. Drumroll…. Badadadabadabada… the
TOP TEN REASONS ISRAEL WENT TO THE MOON
10)
Distraction- We’re in
election season right now. It is truly miserable to read the news. Gantz called
Bibi a baby. Bibi said Gantz is gantz stupid and a dummy head. Deri made
fun of both of them in Ladino and they were upset that they didn’t understand
him. They complained to the Supreme Court. They sent everyone Jewish to their
rooms. The Arab parties complained that it was apartheid. Why do only Jews get
sent to their rooms? The left wing party Sheretz agreed as well and demanded
that Arabs get equal treatment and proposed a two-room solution. The Arab room
should be far away from Ramat Aviv and Hertzilyia though, and should be open on
Shabbos. Lapid made fun of the chareidim and called them scardey cats. They spat
on him and called him a Haman. Blintzman, the minister of health threw a
hamatash at him. He ducked it hit Bentit. Unfortunately he didn’t move out of
the way far far right enough. Shaked said he has to go even newer right. Is
your head ready to explode yet? That’s what the daily news here looks like. We
need a distraction from the fact that every single candidate in this country
are less mature than my 1year old grandson. So yes, if it means sending someone
to the moon. Then so be it. It may make us dream that one day we will be able
to send all our politicians there.
9)
Weightlessness- I’ve given up. Diets are just not working. Atkins,
no gluten, no sugar, only coffee, only rice, only chulent, 6 small meals. I
tried them all. Some work for about 5 minutes or so until those pounds come
back with a vengeance. A diet is just like my body inhaling for a bit until it
all exhales back out again. I hike all over the country and am on my feet most
days. Now admittedly it is good for business to be a little out of shape. When
I take my tourists somewhere they know that they will not be doing anything
that they can’t handle. If Schwartz can do it so can we. Although I usually
tire them out anyways. But I can’t afford to upsize my wardrobe anymore. And
I’m not doing what all my disappearing formerly fat friends have done. I will
not go under the knife and have a doctor suck out my kishkas or tie my tubes or
put a zipper on my stomach or mouth. I like my kishkas. And I refuse to eat a
half an ruggeleh or a spoon of chulent and lean back and say smugly that
I am full, as they regularly do. I like a laffa for my shwarma and I have not
done anything bad enough in this world to deprive my stomach of that pleasure
of it slowly going down and settling comfortably in that special room I have
reserved for it in my boich.
So there is one solution. The moon. There I am weightless. I can
fly. My scale won’t krechtz like its having a hernia every time I step
on it. I will weigh nothing. I know I told you that I’m not planning on leaving
Israel anytime soon. But I’m hoping while we’re up there we will figure out how
to bring some of that weightlessness back down here. Hey, we brought the Torah
down to Earth, what’s wrong with a little anti-gravity for my pants.
8)
Peace. I’m sick of the whiny Palestinians killing people. We threw
you out of your land boo hoo…. You’re stuck in a refugee camp with smelly
outhouses to go to the bathroom in weah weah…You get stopped at checkpoints to
see if your carrying a knife too bad… so sorry… You’re a dumb loser people that
haven’t figured out how to get rid of your loser leaders and make something out
of yourselves. Guess what we haven’t figured out how to get rid of our loser
leaders either and we still built a country. We appreciate you babysitting our
country for us for a couple of centuries or more until we got back here. But
it’s time for you guys to get with the program and get out of here or at least
leave us alone.
Now I know that no one else wants you either.
And that’s very sad. But not our problem. But we’re related. You are our
cousins and therefore we are going to do something very generous. We are going
to give you your own planet. You were always asking for the pie in the sky
anyways so here you go. Let’s have a two galaxy solution. See we have a job to
do here on this world. We have to spread the light of Hashem. All over the
place. You guys are really making it very difficult with all your mishegas.
So take your own moon. Bow down five times a day and allah akbar on all
the microphones you want. We’ll even pay for your rocket flight.
{I have now as of the last paragraph offically disqualified myself from ever running for the Knesset
in Israel- according to the Israeli Supreme Court.}
7)
Feminists- Their whining is
just annoying already. It’s not fair. My picture isn’t in Mishpacha…
weahh weahh…
There are only men’s pictures in chareidi kupat
cholim advertisments for hemmoroids medicine. Oy! A tragedy!
We also want to put on teffilin and talis.. how
come only men can? Why do you get to be
on that side of the wall, the Kotel, and we have to be on the other side. Just stuff it like a kishka already. Yeah well I can’t give birth to a baby and do
you hear me making a fuss about it. I couldn’t nurse any of my beautiful precious
children. Am I protesting?
We all have roles in life given to us by Hashem.
Ours is to play on our cellphones and make very important things happen there.
Yours is to make chulent and do other stuff around the house. Oh for the good
old days when a man was a king in his castle. And he could just motion with his
hand and his wife would come and bring him a tea. Soreir b’baiso -all the
way. Just like good old Shushan. Y’think women back then complained that they
didn’t have enough of a voice? That they couldn’t run for Knesset on a Chariedi
slate? I don’t think so.
Well you know what? Enough is enough. Memuchan
said that women are meant to be seen and not heard. We’re very frum and counter
that by making sure women are not seen or heard. We will build mechitza walls
so big Donald Trump will be jealous. We will erase every woman’s name from the
Torah like it was Amalek. And we will even stop advertising pictures of salad,
broccoli, cauliflower and Quiche and other foods that only women eat. We will
create and discover different planets for us to exist on. Steven Gray said this
a long time ago. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. You already speak
the language. Don’t worry we will come home for dinner, chulent, laundry and to
find out where we put our keys.
6)
Shidduchim- Perhaps the
most major problem in the Orthodox world today is that Orthodox yeshiva boys
don’t want to start dating at age 21½ and they wait until they are 22 ¼. I know
this because there are advertisements in most reputable Jewish magazines that
tell me this each week. Every Shabbos after Kiddush I ask my son if he is ready
to date yet to solve this problem. He is only 9, but you never know. I am not
waiting for other people to come up with a solution. I told him that there are
even extra points for marrying a girl older than himself. I even started
bringing him to visit some old ladies in the local nursing home- as I believe
the bonuses are for every decade the girl is older than the groom. You get like
$18 and a free disc and Shir Chadash sefer.
It has gotten so bad that women are lying about
their age on their shidduch resumes so that the boys will date them. Lying is
bad. This might even make the wedding a mekach ta’ut- under false pretenses.
What is the solution? We Israelis have solved it. Outer Space. See light years
are much longer. So if you have a daughter that is, god forbid, 21 and not married
yet. Just stick her in a rocket circle the earth once or twice and boom now you
can say she is 19 in light years. You turned back time. Space is timeless.
5)
Extreme Tourism. OK I’ve taken you ATVing, Rapelling, Zipline. We
have ridden on camels, gone skiing already, We even did that crazy fly -through-the-air
speedboating in Akko with the Nachman music blasting. I’m running out of things
to take you to. How about a trip to Outer Space? May the Schwartz Be with
You. Just like the movie. I’m sure I’ll be able to make up some stuff about
how this fits into tanach somehow. “See Eretz Yisrael how Hashem sees it all
the time” I can even point from the window and tell you that if it were a
clear day I could show you the Hermon with its snow-capped mountain, just like
I do on a regular ground tour. We’ll sell little ‘I didn’t climb Masada, but
I saw it from the moon’ T-shirts. I might even make some commissions. How
about make your Bar Mitzva in Israel an “out of this world experience”.
Now I gotta just convince some really rich Jews to be the first and everyone
else will have to do it just to keep up with the Cohens. Yes, this is a good
idea.
4)
Charity- This is a fantastic idea. See in the olden days people
would just give tzedaka. It was a mitzvah. Then things changed. Organizations
decided that they had to make a dinner if they wanted to get money out of you.
Then there had to be a very important speaker like a Hillary Clinton, Joe
Liberman ,Colonel Kentucky Fried Bernie Sanders or another losing presidential
candidate. Yeshivish places just go with Rabbi Frand or Yourmeanma Mizarachi,
not to be confused with the “Holocaust-only–happened-to-Ashkenazim because they
eat chulent instead of Chamin guy who was thrown out of England last week.
The next
fundraising innovation was concerts. Originally they were held in yeshiva
auditoriums with Uncle Moishy Real important organizations had MBD (Might Be
Done?) or Avraham Fried- who for some reason now thinks he’s Israeli- I moved
on from not understanding his Yiddish songs- (a tateh beet stew -got more
garnish song, or nisht go-on-a-diet yidden) to not understanding
them in Ivrit. Today the venue you need to make it in can be no less
than… (You know I googled to find something so outrageous to write here, but
the truth is there really have been concerts in the largest venues in the world
already from Carnegie, to Felt Forum, to Radio City and Citifield.- so the best
I came up with is -).. Coliseum in Rome. It would be appropriate because than
the singer could tell the crowd “your killing me”.
The next upgrade in charitable schemes were of
course the raffles and Chinese auctions and Fiveish. Because we will not give tzedaka
anymore until we have a chance at winning a brand new cruise ship and our own
private airplane from a green spongepants boruch guy dressed like $5
bill.
That of course led us to the more recent Charidy
mishegas. Now. 24 hours only. Every dollar you give is matched by Rechnitz 3
times. And some mortgage guys will also match it. And so will some chasidish
guy too. Basically today is your chance to make more money than you ever did in
your life if you give us NOW. In fact, you’re the only guy that hasn’t given.
Because everyone else is matching. 3 hours left. 2 hours left. 15 minutes left.
Give Ok we have extended our time. It’s bonus. Yeah…. We need to send this
program to the moon too.
The absolute worst though in my humble opinion
is the Rav Chaim Kanievsky scam. If one would believe the ads about him it
would seem that Reb Chaim is just pretending
to be learning all day. What he is really
doing is just taking photo ops for Kupat Hair – an organization to help bald
people get transplants- in between running around to graves and davening for
you personally at Amuka, Meron, the Dead Sea, Bnai Brak, Eilat all the holy
places. You name it- he’s davening for you there. My tefillos are not enough.
You need Reb Chaim. Thank god that’s all he has to do with his life. Well it
seems that he has already davened everywhere. We’ve exhausted all our charity
ideas for you. So how about this new one?
If you give us $18000 then Reb Chaim will daven
for you on the moon- really really really close to Hashem by the way. We will
follow it up by a concert of Shwekey, Leiner, Shapiro and MBD singing Rabbi
Schwartzes original songs particularly Eliyahoo yahoo yahoo song while hanging
on different stars- get it they’re stars? If you donate $10000 then Rechnitz
will eat a matching dinner. In fact he will eat 4 matching dinners for everyone
you sponsor. How about that for a fundraiser? $5 donation you can watch in
afterwards on Youtube
3)
It’s cool. See Israelis think Americans are cool. Despite the fact
their President has orange hair and can only communicate in 140 characters or
less on his non-kosher phone. Despite the fact that the most popular person in
congress is a Muslim terrorist sympathizing teenager that wears a snood and is
trying to convince the world that her people were killed by Jews in the
holocaust. We did this because we control all the money of the world. That
money really should be divided up amongst all the suffering colleges students
of the America that will never get jobs. They even think Americans are cool despite
the fact that they still can’t figure out how to make Dortios Kosher. How’s
about that?
They
think Russia is cool as well by the way. Well… Putin really is kind of cool.
Russians themselves… not so much, particularly the former defense ministers of
this country.
So there is nothing more important to the State
of Israel than to be Kool. And if the US and Russia did it then so must we.
As well it is actually not that cool here- I mean
meteorologically. Israel is a hot country. A warm, sticky, sweaty country whose
citizens don’t really know how to operate a deodorant can. As well, Israelis
are very cheap with their AC. They put it on a Shabbos clock so that it will go
off after they fall asleep. To save money. Eets naht soo aht- . They all
have fans- eet ees good enahf. Cool Americans put their AC on after
Pesach and turn it off Sukkos time. But Israelis think they are just freiers
for doing that. Outer Space is free Air Conditioning. How’s about
figuring out how to get some of that down here as well? Free AC, Israelis love.
That might be something…
2)
Jewish pride-We are a very insecure people. As Richard Nixon used
to say. You would also be paranoid if everyone was out to get you. We are
always questioning if we’re doing the right thing? Are we allowed to shoot
someone who comes running at me with a knife? Maybe he’s just hungry and there
is a steak nearby. Maybe Alluah Akbar is like an asher yatzar
blessing for muslims when they come out of the bathroom. Maybe he found his
missing knife in the bathroom. Are we allowed to put a new gate around my yard?
Is it illegal construction in occupied territory? Should we prohibit building
anywhere in Israel because someone might confuse it with land in the West Bank.
Maybe there is an Arab that can’t afford to build and we will make him feel bad
by building. Maybe we shouldn’t even sell hammers.
We are insecure about our religion, or lack of
religion, our politics, our entertainment, our cellphones, our media or lack of
media. Our army service or lack of army service is another point of insecurity.
As is the lack of demonstrating against our army service, or lack of
demonstrating against the demonstrators against our army service.
People aren’t even sure which bathroom they
should go in anymore. We need a resurgence of Jewish pride. And what can make
us more proud than the knowledge that despite the fact that we can’t figure out
anything here on this god given country and planet that Hashem has given us. We
are pretty much tanking it. Between global warming, Dead Sea shrinking and
unfiltered internet on non-kosher phones. But who cares? At least we can fly to
another galaxy. Why fix the world we were given when we can just discover new
worlds to settle instead?
Imagine the pride as the
Israeli flag flies on the barren empty craters of the moon. When the first Chabad
house opens up there. When we make it flourish astroponically. When we make the
first daf yomi siyum hashas there- Antarctica was nothing- {And you, as well
can be part of this Siyum celebration- if you read three letters on the first
page of the Daf there are others that will read the next three letters and
another the next three and you will all be counted as if you finished the shas-
so buy your tickets now. That’s the main thing This E-mail has been paused to
bring you this paid sponsorship by the Siyum Hashas-without-really-learning-it
foundation}So yes, let’s go to the moon and bring back some of that good old
fashioned Jewish pride.
1)
And the number one reason to go to the moon….drumroll…. drumroll..
is to celebrate Purim there. We have an obligation to spread the miracles of
this great holiday to the entire universe. The walled cities do it on the 15th
of Adar, Non-walled cities on the 14th. In Uman I think they do it
all year round. We are supposed to party. We are supposed to drink and drink
until we are so high we are floating on top of this world. We are meant to
reach the point when we don’t know the difference between Hamoon and Mordechai,
between Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker, between Trump and Obama, between Bibi,
CC, DD EE all the way to PP. Until we don’t know the difference between Heaven
and Earth. We have then united them all. Ein od milvado- there is
nothing besides Him. Purim is about bringing all the olamos elyonim down
to earth and raising this land all the way up to Hashem. Our rocket ship is
called Beer-reishit. It’s not just because beer gets you get high. It’s because
it’s the beginning. The beginning of a new era. The era we have all been
waiting for. The era the world is ready to enter.
May we be zoche to fly all the way there this
Purim.
Have an ecstatically
exuberant Purim,
Rabbi Ephraim “Hit the
Trail Mix” Schwartz
This week’s Email has
been sponsored by Harav Hagaon Tzadik Doreinu Reb Donald- Duvid’l Trump and his
chashuve rebbetzin Melatonia. Rabbi Schwartz I love your weekly E-Mails. They
are my guiding force in everything that I do. Much like you, I am very
underappreciated. Despite my trying to tell everyone how they should just
support me and that we could make the world great again if they would just send
in a weekly donation to the White House or even post some likes on my facebook
page. No one seems to care. So I know what you go through. And I want to share
my support for you with this sponsorship. I really wanted to move my embassy to
Karmiel. I heard the city is giving you
a hard time and figured you could use the basement for a shul. But y’know
Bibi… he needs a place closer to pick up his cigars and champagne. Well good
luck and one small piece of advice. Do you think you can start making them a
little shorter. Like 140 characters or so. It’s a pain to scroll down to the
jokes every week through all of it. Or maybe just put the jokes on the top.
Thanks,
Fraylichen Purim
Your bestie
Donald
***************
Dear Friends- Please do not send any money in to
sponsor any E-Mails. We don’t want your money. We enjoy having the merit of
spreading Torah all to ourselves. We don’t think your birthday, your
anniversary, or even the yahrtzeit of your most loved pet is a worthy enough
cause to merit having this tremendous merit.
What makes it even more important NOT to send in
money is that the funds help support projects and inspiration that convince
people to move to Israel. And that help families that move here have a
comfortable easy landing and assistance. This is bad for you. Imagine if
everyone left you behind and came to Israel. What would happen to your real
estate values. Who would support AIPAC? Who would marry Donald Trumps other
children? We need Jews in America to prevent any congress people from being
anti-semitic wrongfully. We need to control everyone with your purse strings
there. That’s a much more worthy cause. You may not have money to bribe the
board of education to let you teach Torah in your yeshivas. You need it more
than we do.
So PLEASE DON’T SPONOSR THIS E-MAIL OR MOVE TO
ISRAEL.
MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN-
That is why you were put on this world…
Or not?
**********************************************
RABBI SCHWARTZ’S STAR TREK VULCAN PROVERB OF
THE WEEK
“Dif tor heh smusma...”- Live Long and Prosper
(then make the Kohen symbol with your hand)
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S POOR GLIDE EX-HAM QVETSHTION
OF THE WEAK
answer below at end of Email
Q: What is Rabbi
Schwartzes favorite publication
A. Shtetl and Country (Catskills)
B. The New Pork Times
C. Yourdead Ne’eman.
D. CNN-Chulent News Network.
E. Mishpacha magazine as of two months ago
RABBI SCHWARTZ COOL VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
https://youtu.be/EnqXhHqg7ow - Purim
in text messages really cute
https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/techelet-mordechai - For the last time this year. Sing this by your
Sedua and I will be your friend- Techelet Mordechai- the Next big Jewish Purim hit!!!
https://youtu.be/SuyprtLP70E – Last Years Purim Seuda and the debut of Rabbi Schwartzes New
song with a slightly inebriated Rabbi and Yonah and Tzvibel on the vocals!
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S LOMSHTUS OF THE WEEK
So Purim is the time
when the real lamdanim come out. It’s when you make fake lomdus. You’ve heard
of fake news? Well fake lomdus is when you show off what a lamdan you are by
making up difficult nonsensical questions and answering them lomdushly. For example
Why does the megilla
start with letter Beis and not Aleph? One answer is that it doesn’t. Another is
that the Beis is really an aleph in gematria because they are allowed to be one
off.
Or how about this one.
Last week’s Torah portion was Parshat Zachor, why is there no Parshat Nekeyva?
But doesn’t zachor mean remember? That’s one answer another answer is that it
says that after matan Torah every woman became pregnant. If that’s the case
then 9 months later would be the 7th of Adar making that Shabbos before
Purim the Shabbos that had the most Shalom Zachors. Another reason that I would
never say is that Parshat Parah is instead of Nekeiva. Getting the hang of it?
Ok here’s another famous
lomdshtusish one. It says in the Megilla that “vachamaso boarah vo”, ie
that Achashveirosh’s mother-in-law was named boarah vo. (But doesn’t Chamoso
mean his wrath was burning in him? That’s one answer. Chamoso also means
mother in law) Later it says “Vachamaso shachacha”, meaning that his
mother-in-law was named Shachacha. How could Achashveirosh have 2
mothers-in-law? The answer must be that vashti had 2 mothers. And in fact we
see it says “Gam Vashti Hamalka asisa mishtei nashim- Vashti was made
from two women.
And here’s on last
one. How do we know that Esther was a righteous woman? The Talmud writes that
the more righteous someone was, the closer to them the manna would fall. The wicked
would have to walk a great distance, the average person would walk a short
distance, and the tzaddikim would have the manna fall at their doorstep. The
pasuk in the Megillah (7:8) states: “And the King returned from the palace
garden to the hall of the wine feast, and the manna (Haman) was falling on the
couch that Esther was upon…” The manna didn’t just fall on her doorstep, it
fell right on her couch!
Let me know what Purim Lomshtus you come up with?
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S EAR-A’S AND THEIR PLAYTZES
AND PEEPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK
Drunk People (Purim)- One of the great Rabbis said that there were
never Jewish drunks. I don’t know where he was hanging out on Purim. Let’s see
how many drunk people you can name in the Torah. I’ll give you a few
headstarts. We have Adam Harishon who according to many drank from the tree of
knowledge which of course was grapes. After all we are meant to drink on Purim
ad dlo yada- till there’s no more knowledge. We have eradicated that first sin,
by dirnking as commanded unlike Adam.
Of course than you’ve
got Noach the first person to get really plastered on Purim. In fact he becomes
so drunk, he doesn’t wake up until Purim as from all the fighting going on. As
it says V’Noach Maoyvehem- And noach awoke from the enemies. He also teaches us
that it is alright to get drunk in front of your children and that it is the
childrens job to clean up after their father and put him to sleep.
Next we have Lot. Which
qualifies above rule. Don’t let your daughters put you to sleep. Although it
seems that they could help you get drunk. In fact there is even a source there
for celebrating two days of Purim. As Lot drank two days in a row. He was
probably in a city where they weren’t sure whether it was walled or not. I mean
there certainly was a stone wall. But he wanted to make sure it was really
stone. So he got stoned. Hey, there is no judgement here. OK, it’s Purim and
the man just found out his wife was going to be a salty tourist site for
eternity.
OK So I got you
started what Tanach drunks can you come up with?
RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE SPACE JOKES OF THE
WEEK
: How do you know when
the moon has enough to eat? A: When it’s full.
What kind of music do
planets sing? A: Neptunes!
What do planets like
to read? A: Comet books!
Where would an
astronaut park his space ship? A: A parking meteor!
The first 3-man space
shuttle came splashing down from the moon and the ship the U.S.S. Seagull
picked up the capsule.
The first man who got
out of the capsule was Protestant and his minister asked him, "How was
it, my son?"
The Protestant
astronaut answered with a big healthy smile, "It was truly a great
experience." The second man was Catholic and when he emerged from the
capsule his priest blessed him and asked him, "In the name of the
Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost --How was it?"
He replied, "It
was fabulous, Father!"
The third man was Jewish and with great effort
left the space ship. He was still huffing and puffing as his Rabbi came up to
him and asked, "How come -- nu, what happened? The other two astronauts
came out composed and refreshed -- and you, nu?"
The Jewish astronaut
answered, breathing heavily, "Every 90 minutes,
shacharit-mincha-ma'ariv, shacharit-mincha-ma'ariv!"
The Jewish astronaut
just returned from Mars and was asked all about his journey. He mentioned that
while he was there, among other things, he was actually invited to a Martian
Bar Mitzvah.
An intrigued reporter
jumped right in: "Please, tell us all about it. Was it nice? Was it
fun? How was the food?"
The astronaut replied
that it was just "OK."
"What do you
mean?" snapped the newsman.
"Was it the food?"
"No", said the astronaut, "the food was
fine."
"Were the people
not nice?" countered the reporter.
"No, the
people were very friendly."
"Well, then, what
was it?" asked the reporter. "Why was the Martian Bar Mitzvah only
OK?"
The astronaut looked
at him and replied, "There was no atmosphere."
Two astronauts land on
Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.
“Give me the
box of matches,” says one. “Either it burns and there is oxygen, or
nothing happens.”
He takes the box and
is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a little green Martian
appears, waving all six of his arms and yelling…”No, no, don’t!”
The two guys look at
each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars?
Still, he takes
another match…and…
A crowd of hysterical
green Martians is coming to them, all waving their arms: “No, no, don’t do
that!”
One of the astronauts
says, “This looks serious. What are they afraid of? Nonetheless we’re here
for science, to learn if Man can breathe on Mars.”
So he strikes a
match–which flames up, burns down, and NOTHING HAPPENS!
So he turns to the
Martians and asks, “Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?”
The leader of the
Martians answers, “It’s Shabbos!”
************
Answer is none of the
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