Large Gifts- Parshat Re'eh 2020/ 5780

 

Insights and Inspiration

from the

Holy Land

from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

"Your friend in Karmiel"

August 14^th 2020 -Volume 10 Issue 42 24^th Av 5780

 

Parshat Re'eh

Large Gifts

Eli had always wanted to marry an American girl. Israeli girls were just not his speed. They were a little closed minded, in the circles he was dating at least and he just felt more comfortable with Americans. When he was in yeshiva he would find that he was drawn to the American guys there. He would learn with them. Hang out with them and hock around bein hazmanim vacation time with them. His English wasn't perfect. His friends would tease him about his gaffes here and there. But he worked on it over the years. He definitely still had the "eezraylee ehksent" but for a kid that was born in Israel to two Israeli parents his progress was certainly respectable. It probably helped that he lived in Beit Shemesh which is kind of a little America as well.

When he went out with Miriam Goldberg it was love at first sight. She was looking for an Israeli guy that she could relate to and that would insure that she would get married and live in Israel for the rest of her life. She was raised in Brooklyn, and unlike most NY'ers that can't seem to see themselves living anywhere else, despite paying lip service to "loving Eretz Yisrael" and "I wish I could live there", she meant it for real. Her year in seminary was life changing. She fell in love with the land, the people, the simple lifestyles of all of those families that she would spend her shabbosos with. Everything had more meaning here. Was more real. It was where she was meant to be. And when she met Eli she knew she had found her bashert.

Miriam's parents weren't as excited by her decision. Don't get me wrong, they loved Eli. But Israel was so far. They weren't youngsters anymore and they knew they would miss their little girl. Their future grandchildren wouldn't see them more than once a year if they were lucky. They were jealous of their machatunim, Eli's parents, that hosted their children all the time and lived around the corner from them. They would move themselves to Israel, but they had good jobs, the younger siblings were "the wrong ages" (not that I ever bought into that concept). So they compensated. These were the days before Zoom or even Facetime video chats. But they called regularly and they sent lots and lots of care packages and presents.

The Goldberg's were always a generous people. Eli was overwhelmed by the gifts they gave him when he got married. He knew it wasn't easy for them and he always expressed his gratitude. Their anniversary gift for their 3^rd anniversary though forced him to hit the dictionary again after one of the most embarrassing moments of his marriage. One that almost jeopardized everything.

See the had sent them this really beautiful album of all of the highlights of their wedding. The family pictures, the moving chuppa shots and the amazing memories of all of the dancing with all their friends were the best anniversary gift ever. Eli didn't want to wait to tell his in-laws how much it meant to him. So he quickly called them. The conversation though didn't exactly go the way he had hoped it would.

As I told you, Eli's English still wasn't the best. He wanted to tell his mother-in-law how much he appreciated how generous she has been, but the word ""generous" slipped his mind. Now in Hebrew when someone is generous the slang word to describe them is "largeet" kind of like the English largesse. But it didn't really come out the way he wanted it to.

"Ma, hi it's Eli calling."

Hi Eli, how are you? To what do I owe the pleasure of this call?

 I just wanted to tell you that you are so large." He enthusiastically exclaimed.

Silence…."Oh" and then after an awkward silence she repeated it again "Oh"

"Really", Eli said "I'm just looking at this photo album you sent us right now and it's amazing- you are so very large!"

Eli was a bit puzzled at his mother-in-laws silence, though it wasn't until he gave the phone to Miriam and heard her "What!!" exclamations did he understand that there might have been some type of mistranslation that happened. Needless to say, he's still working on his English.

There is always wisdom in Jewish slang. And in fact the word 'large' in Hebrew, which as well can be used as a term for generous, is in this week's parsha with a fascinating mitzva that contains, as usual, some fascinating and timely lessons for us. The word I'm talking about is "anak" and the mitzva is ha'anaka giving "gifts" to one's Jewish 'slave' upon the completion of his servitude. And yes, I did say this was a timely lesson.

Now I know that we don't have slaves anymore. Although it seems that there are some that claim to be descended from them that still feel they are due reparations and thus taking those said payments from your local Mall, supermarket, starbucks and anyplace else that is obviously guilty of this egregious sin. Or not… Maybe if their zayides would've gotten ha'anaka they wouldn't be so bitter. Or not.

But that's not the timely reference I'm referring to. See Judaism even when we had Jewish 'slaves' it was really a bigger pain in the neck than anything else. The Jewish slave mentioned in this week's Torah portion was a criminal that had stolen and didn't have the ability to pay back his debt. The Torah reaching to the depths of the persona of a criminal understands that this man's criminal behavior is more likely than not a result of his circumstance and upbringing. Throwing him in the slammer is not gonna do the trick for him. He needs rehabilitation. He needs to learn responsibility, to learn family, he has to be given respect. He has to be given love. So he is 'sold' into slavery. But he's not out picking in the cotton fields in hot sun. It is forbidden to give him hard labor. He needs to be provided for and eat from the same home and have the same quality of life as his "owner" does. The Talmud tells us that having a slave is kind of like having an owner as if there's only one pillow guess who gets it? The slave.

So in truth this is in no way slavery. In fact, what it really is this criminal being adopted by a family and working to pay of his debt. If he has a family, the owner has to provide for his family as well. So he is now for the first time earning an honest living and with that he is receiving the satisfaction that comes with a hard day's honest work. It is truly an amazing system and one that has the most potential to giving him the tools to making it on his own when his debt is paid off, or the maximum six-year sentence that he needs to serve if it isn't paid off by then. The truth is someone that takes this guy into his house under these terms has to be a tzadik. They have to have the most incredible Jewish heart; as those people I know that take in foster children into their home do. It's an incredible chesed and although many of us admire people that can do that, I don't know if I could do it myself.

But then comes the kicker. The mitzva of ha'anaka. After extending one's home and one's family to this person; helping him, assisting him, giving him gainful employment and caring for his every need, the time is finally. His 6 years are over and it's time for him to make it on his own. One would think that the eved should express his gratitude, maybe buy his hosts a good-bye gift, promise to write and to keep them posted. But the Torah tells us that is not the case. You haven't finished your job or your responsibility to him yet. You still have to give him a gift. In the words of the Torah it is sheep, from your grain, from your vineyard. The word for this obligation that the Torah uses though is not the typical matana- which would mean gift. Rather it is ha'anaka. That means something more. You have to make him "anak"- great.

The Torah in this mitzva is teaching us such a powerful lesson. When a person works for us and gets paid for his job, you've helped a fellow Jew and given him parnassa. But we are meant to do more than that. We are obligated to let the person know that he did a fantastic job. That his service meant more to you than just the job he did. You want to show him extra appreciation. In doing so, he feels anak- he feels large. He feels he can do great things. That feeling, that simcha, will propel him to be even better. It will build his necessary self-esteem and motivate him to become better and better. That is what our obligation is to our fellow Jew. That's how we build a "large" nation.

I can tell you on a personal level, it's one of the things I miss the most about tour guiding this summer. Not just the tips that I would get, although those are certainly appreciated and missed. But the appreciation and feedback that I always got from so many of my tourists. The follow-up E-Mails, the whatsapp messages and many times even the E-Mail sponsorships. I generally don't have a problem feeling 'large'-my pants and shirt buttons are good at reminding me. But it's just an incredible feeling that propels me and gives me more energy to be better and better. The feedback that I get from my sermons, from my E-mails, from my family, from Mishpacha readers. It's awesome. It's humbling. And it's energizing. And it's such an easy mitzva that we can all do.

The year of Corona has been a year for a lot of reflection. On the one hand all of us are more isolated from one another then we probably have ever been. On the other hand, we all have more time on our hand to think about how we can make ourselves better and greater. There is a world out there that is so angry. Everyone is putting the other down. Perhaps it's time to build a world that is larger. A world where rather than knocking down those that think differently than us; that have 'poorer' upbringings than us- materially, politically and most importantly spiritually, we instead focus on building them up. On finding the good in them. On revealing the greatness that they may not see in themselves, but that we could bring out in them. Maybe it's time we fulfilled the mitzva of ha'anaka.

The parsha we read this week where this mitzva is found is called, Re'eh- to see. Hashem is telling us to see in each of us the power we have to find and bring bracha and god forbid the opposite. It is a parsha that is read in the 7 week's of consolation for the destruction of the Temple. The temple destroyed by baseless hatred will be restored in the merit of ahavat chinam- baseless love. Do you know what baseless love is? Ha'anaka. Gifts that make people great. They're not required. It's above and beyond. They were just doing their job. But it's that little extra way in which we express our appreciation. The "large-ness' that we share with others and the greatness we bring out in them. That's free-love. That is what will bring the Temple.

When we left Egypt Hashem promised us that we would leave with great wealth. It was his gift to us. It wasn't just the monetary wealth-although that helped- it was the Torah, it was the wisdom, it was our chosen-nesss. The final redemption we are told will be even greater than that first exodus from slavery. It's time for our ma'aanak (grant) . Bibi gave us his-which was quite pithy, Trump's was a little bit more. But we're waiting for that big Divine payoff. May this month of Elul be the large one we have been waiting for.

Have a large Shabbos and blessed month of Elul,

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

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RABBI SCHWARTZ’S FAVORITE YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

 " A guteh vort iz karanter vi a nedoveh.!"- A kind word is better than charity.

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

answer below at end of Email

40) Flamingos can be watched and observed at:

A. Ein Tamir

B. Solomon’s pools

C. Rosh Hanikra

D. Salt ponds North to Eilat

 RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO  OF THE WEEK

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SoVNvG6cTfc   - Yaakov Shwekey "We Love America" sung for Donald Trump-Lyrics by the one and only Sruli Besser.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aS-4U5GgdjM  – Avraham Fried latest song Otototo

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kp9VGPpAh8Y – Yishai Lapidot and Shuki Salomon Shir Shel Simcha get on your dancing shoes…

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cadNezinSzk –The Kosher Song?

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fAnjOZ24QjY--Shlock Rock Kosher Cake…

 RABBI SCHWARTZ'S PARSHA/MITZVA CONNECTION OF THE WEEK

 Parshat Re'eh – Kosher- Last week we covered the mitzva of bentching. Now that we know what to say after we eat this week we learn what we could and should eat. This week the Torah covers a whole slew of mitzvos that relate to eating. Fascinatingly enough it always seems to connect it to using the food for a higher purpose as well. Fruits and vegetables we have the mitzva of the tithes. Meat we have the mitzva of eating sacrifices, of slaughtering animals, of not eating blood. We even cover some kosher bugs if you like. There are at least 20-25 mitzvos that have to do with eating. It's definitely a foodies parsha. Let's try to cover the basics and let's try to categorize our menu.

 Fruits and vegetables are all kosher. They're straight from Hashem. One has to wash them for bugs of course. Now in Israel our fruits and vegetables are holy. Here we're not merely eating and making blessings. Here we are meant to raise a country with a higher spiritual purpose. We need to give our tithes to the Kohanim and Levi'im who don't have a portion in the land because they are dedicated to serving and inspiring our spiritual obligations. We need to give to the poor. We have the laws of the sabbatical year/ shemitta year to remind us that in Eretz Yisrael,  our land is holy. Hashem is in charge and we can and should step back for a year and recognize and integrate that and we will only see blessing as a result.

 Moving onto the next course we have fish. Gefilte fish in Israel has scales and fins inside of it to remind you of what species are kosher. Just joking… But for someone raised on American Gefilteh Fish there definitely is a difference. We are told that the closer a species is to Hashem the less one needs to make one kosher. So a fish pretty much just needs those two signs. The truth is that all fish that have scales certainly have fins as well. Why then does the Torah tell us both? It could just say scales and we would know fins. The Lubavitcher Rebbi suggests in a beautiful sicha that it is precisely to teach us that lesson. See scales represent the armor. The integrity of a person that protect him from giving into his baser desires. The fins represent the ambition; the wind that drives him. We can have ambition but without integrity one would be considered non-kosher. Yet, if someone has integrity and is making sure that he's doing the right thing then they will automatically as well have the ambition to become better and better and are always Kosher. Obviously shell fish, and bottom feeders are not kosher. So don't boil any lobsters anytime soon.

 Next we have birds. We kosher eaters pretty much only eat chicken, turkey and on special occasions duck or goose. But in ancient times, doves and pigeons seemed to the kosher bird of choice. Think about the next time you're in the park. How do we know which ones are kosher and not? The Torah gives us 24 different names of birds or better yet "flying animals with wings"- that includes the non-kosher bats which are technically no birds. Now we don't exactly know specifically which birds are which for a lot of them and the Torah's list is not necessarily meant to be comprehensive. Rather they are viewed as classes of birds Kosher and non- and we derive general rules from them.

 Our sages tell us that signs of a kosher bird are first of all that it is not a bird of prey. Some of the signs of birds of prey are ones that have claws that they attack with. Thus webbed feet birds are a good sign. Three other signs that they mention are that they have an extra toe that sticks out longer. They have a crop that holds the food before it goes into the digestive tract. And a pupik or gizzard- great in soup, which is a muscle that can be peeled inside of the stomach that grinds the food up. It's a debate whether all of these 3 signs are required or not. But the truth is that this debate is more hypothetical then practical as we generally only eat birds that have a tradition behind them. Although turkey is a "New World" American bird without an ancient tradition neccesarily from America, as America is really not that ancient, there are some that suggest it comes from India and there was an old tradition from there. Others permit the turkey based on the fact that it has all the signs and as well it can be interbred with Kosher birds.

 Kosher mammals the main course of our meals have the obvious signs of split hooves and that chew their cud. Once again the Rebbi sees in this a spiritual message. The hooves are separated. There is left and right. There is right and wrong and the distinction is clear. The path a person takes has to always be clear. One has to always be cognizant of this. That's a sign of someone that is kosher. Chewing the cud similarly is that everything that one ingests should never be taken for granted. One needs to constantly reexamine it. Check if its right if it's something they should be bringing and incorporating in themselves or not.  If it has these two signs, one can eat them. They're kosher.

 Yet both birds and mammals can't just be eaten. They need to be shected properly. The Torah tells us that the slaughtering should be done "as I've commanded you, but if one looks in the entire Torah, you won't find any laws of shechita. This is obviously a testimony that there was an oral tradition that accompanied the written law that taught us exactly what should be done. Shechita is the most humane way of killing an animal. The knife has to be sharp without any ridges, it has to be done in shot the cutting of both pipes. One can't even press down on the neck. It's a fast, clean swipe. Afterwards the animal is checked for anything that might have made the animal non-healthy that would cause it to die. A hole in the lung, a broken leg and its internal organs are all checked. This law pretty much our kosher animals were treated humanely as in humane treatment would lead to sickness and disease that would then make them "trayf".

 But we're still not done yet. See there is a prohibition on cattle to eat various fats and they have to all be removed. As well the gid hanasheh/ the sciatic nerve has to be removed. We Jews have thing about sciatica that goes back to Ya'akov's battle with the angel of Esau. In America where it is easy to resell parts of the animal the tradition is to sell off the whole hindquarters of the animal where the majority of the fats are. In Israel, where we thank god don't have enough gentiles to sell it to, they remove them and we thus get filet mignon here that you can't get from the American slaughterhouses. Now venison, deer meat, does not require the fats being removed, either do birds, but they have another mitzva of covering up the blood that comes out when they slaughter them called kisuy ha'dam.

 Finally, the last piece of koshering meat is eliminating the blood. We do this by a two pronged process. First we remove the major arteries and veins and then we salt and soak the meat to remove any other blood. This has to be done within the first 72 hours of the slaughter and it is the way that most commercially sold meat is prepared. Alternatively, if you want to shecht and eat your met without this process one can roast the meat that automatically takes out all of the blood.

 There are other laws of Kosher that are rabbinic in nature as well. Wine of a non-Jew or that has been handled by one. Milk and cheese that was not prepared with a supervision that ensures it is done "kosherly". Milk and meat can't be mixed, obviously. Foods that are "fitting for the table of king"-not nosh has to be cooked by a Jew. And that probably sums up the basic rules. Food is essential to us Jew. The first sin in the Garden of Eden was when they ate the fruit they shouldn't of. Every time we fulfill the mitzvos of eating we are rectifying that sin. So we make sure we have lots of opportunities to do.

 RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

  Dovid and Goliath Part I- 878 BC- Everyone has a turning point in their career. For Dovid it came in the form of perhaps one of the most famous battles of all time. The faceoff between him and the giant Goliath of the Philistines. It's one of my favourite stories to share with my tourists because the spot is so easily identifiable and one can really feel that they are living the story once again. It's a tour guides dream, when the land and terrain do half the work for you.

 The story begins with Goliath the general from the Philistine city of Gat, coming up to the Elah valley with a huge army to do battle with the army of Shaul. The city of Gat today is located at a place called Tel Tzafi not far from Kfar Menachem. It's a huge Tel but not too much to see there besides the incredible views to all sides. The Ela valley is right on Highway 38 and the Plishtim camped on one mountain and the Jews on the other mountain. The two mountains being Socho and Azeka and both of those are still there today and are actually fascinating to visit. As they have this story written there.

 The valley is called Efes Damim, or no blood, and the reason is because Goliath stood in that valley and challenged Shaul and his army to have a one on one fight out that would settle the whole thing. If Goliath wins the Jews would be their slaves, if the Jewish representative one then the Philistines would be their slaves. This fight-out between the two people would settle the whole thing without any un-necessary blood being spilled. What an idea.

 The problem was that Goliath was terrifying he was 6 ammos/ cubits tall which would put him between 9-12 feet he wore at least 200lbs of armour. His spear alone weighed about 400 lbs. This is not someone anyone wanted to mess with. So for 40 days he came out twice a day blasphemed Hashem, Shaul and the Jewish army and no one said boo. Enter Dovid the future Melech.

 Yishai, Dovid's father had sent him to check up on his three eldest brothers that had been consigned in the army and to bring them some supplies. Dovid arrives and saw the scene and asked what the scoop was. He was told that Shaul had promised that anyone that would slay Goliath would be granted great wealth. Shaul as well would give his daughter in marriage to him and his father's house would be exempt from all obligations to the king. Dovid was not impressed. He thought that this was an obligation to remove this disgrace and it was a mitzva to do so. His brother heard this conversation and tried to tell Dovid to be quiet. He wasn't a soldier by any means. But Dovid continued to talk and ask until he was ultimately brought to Shaul.

 Shaul asked Dovid what made him think he was capable of this fight. Dovid told Shaul two stories of how when he was shepherding he was attacked by a bear and a lion who took a sheep from him. He literally saved the sheep from them by grabbing their beards and killing them. Dovid was not scared of Plishti. He would be just like them. But Shaul was not impressed.

 It was only when Dovid continued and said that Hashem who saved him from the hands of lion and bear will help him kill the Plishti was Shaul convinced. This was not going to be a battle that was won by brute force or strategy. The moment called for a miracle and Shaul needed to know that his warrior would be someone who recognized and was worthy of that. Stay tuned next week for the showdown!

 RABBI SCHWARTZ’S GENEROUS JOKES  OF THE WEEK

Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighborhood on Long Island. A neighbor, a very friendly and generous black woman, stopped by one Saturday and offered,

 "Mrs Cohen, I have to go to NYC this afternoon to meet my daughter. Can I get you anything?" Mrs. Cohen thanked her and counter-offered, "Listen, I have a commuter's ticket for the train. Why don't you use my ticket, and you'll bring it back tonight. After all, it's paid for. Why should you pay extra?"

The neighbor thanked her and with the ticket in hand, made her way to the train station. When the train arrived, she boarded, and as the conductor walked through, he happened to glance at the ticket, noticing the name "Sadie Cohen.".

The conductor asked, "Excuse me, madam, are you Sadie Cohen , the person whose name appears on this ticket?"

The woman smiled sweetly and nodded her head in the affirmative. More than a little suspicious, the conductor asked, "Would you let me compare signatures? Would you mind signing your name?" 

The black lady turned indignantly to the conductor and snapped, "Man, are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?

 A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: "What is the usual tip?" 

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." 
"Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars." 
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund." 
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry. 
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

 A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business. The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $600.00 a week, sir. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $6,000 in cash and screams, "Here's ten week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back! No room in this company for people just leaning against walls. Out of there!”
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's. He was waiting for his tip."

 A shnorrer / panhandler stops a man and asks for some money to buy something to eat...

The man replied, "I'll tell you what I can do, seeing as I'm on my way to the pub, how about I buy you a drink?"
The homeless man proclaims, "but I do not drink, I'm just looking for money to get something to eat."
"Well how about a couple of good cigars I've received from my latest business trip?"
The homeless man replies, "sir, thank you but I do not smoke, I only want something to eat."
"How about we head to the track and I'll place a bet on some horses, I received a tip and you and I can split the winnings?"
The homeless man again protests, "I really appreciate your generosity but I do not gamble, I'm just looking for some food to eat."
"Okay I'll tell you what we are going to do, come back home with me tonight and my wife will make us some dinner. I would really like her to meet you."
The homeless man starts to feel a tad suspicious and says, "do you think she would mind a man of my low stature sitting at your table for dinner?"
"Doesn't matter. She needs to know what happens to someone who doesn't drink, smoke, or gamble."

 A Christian Farmer is overjoyed to see his cow is pregnant. Not being in need; he plans raise the cow and sell the proceeds for pure profit. Time passes and the cow ultimately gives birth to two calves. The Farmer is even happier! Rejoicing and Thanking the Lord, he tells his wife,

"God has been so gracious to us, when I sell these two calves at market, half the proceeds will be given unto him"
The Farmer's Wife commends his for his generosity.
One day several weeks later, the Farmer returns home saddened and reserved.
His wife asks him what happened
"The Lord's Calf died"

 A rich man was driving in his Cadillac when he sees a poor man eating grass on a hill

“What are you doing” - Says the rich man.
“I have 3 days without food for me and my family, so the grass on this hill is our last resource”
“Say no more, get in” -says the rich man, exited.
“Ohhh, thank you very much. Do you mind if I tell to my wife and 2 kids about your generosity??” -Says the poor man.
“No, tell them. I will be waiting in the car”
The family gets in, and when the wife saw all the empty places, ask the rich man:
“Both my parents have more that one day without eating something, can I tell them about your generosity?”
“Is fine, tell them, don’t worry”
The wife’s parents get in in the Cadillac, saw the remaining places and ask the rich man:
“One of my daughters start eating grass yesterday, because of the absence of food, can I invite her to the car?”
“Yes, I don’t have a problem, tell her!”
The daughter get in, and dare to ask the rich man:
“My boyfriend is so poor, he can’t afford food...”
“He was eating grass too?” -Interrupted the rich man.
“Yes, his only choice right now...”
“Ok, hurry up, tell him to get in” -Finished the rich man.
So a couple of hours in the car, with everyone in, the poor father with a wife and 2 kids break the silence:
“I thank Hashem that there are men as good as you, for your great generosity to attend so many people and feed them in times of poverty.”
The rich man look the poor man, and all the passengers in his Cadillac, then he says:
“Don't worry, poor man, it has been almost eleven months since I cut the garden at my house.”

 A group of men is at the gym club when a cellphone rings. One of the men answers:

"Yes?" he answers
"Hun, is that you? I can hardly hear you."
"Hello!"
"Are you at the gym?"
"Yes!"
"I'm in front of the fur shop and they have this beautiful mink coat. Can I buy it?"
"How much is it?"
"About five thousand dollars."
"Okay, but buy a matching purse that goes with it too my love."
"Well, it also turns out that I stopped by the car dealership today saw they have a brand new BMW on sale, it's the last one."
"How much is the sale?"
"Only sixty thousand dollars!"
"Fine, buy it, but you have to get it with all of the accessories, and if it costs a little more, I won't get mad."
The woman, realizing all of her requests were being approved, decided to take a risk.
"Honey, remember that I told you that my mother wants to come live with us? Is it okay if I invite her over for a month, just to try it out, and after a month we can talk about it again."
"Okay, fine, but don't ask me for anything else okay?"
"Yes, yes, I love you so much."
"Love you too, bye."
As soon as he hangs up the man turns to look at the group and asks:
"Does anyone know whose cellphone this is?"

 It doesn't matter how much kindness and generosity you teach your children..

 Kids that speak yiddish are always going to be Kinder

 A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns. After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $100 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

 A man is driving late at night when his car breaks down in the woods near Tzfat by a little shack.He knocks on the door and an old saintly looking kabbalist opens it and he's see there's a group of them studying the kabbalah.. He tells the kabbalists about his situation, and how he can't call for a mechanic at those hours of the night, so he asks them if he can stay the night in their home. They happily agree, and give him a room with a bed to sleep on.

In the middle of the night, the man wakes up hearing a strange noise. He follows the noise and sees that its source is a strange door made of wood, but it's locked. The following morning, the kabbalists give the man breakfast and fix his car. He thanks them and asks them:

"Honorable Rabbis, I cannot thank you enough for your generosity, but I must ask you a question. Last night I heard a strange noise coming from behind a locked wooden door, and I'm dying to know what the source of the noise is."

The leader of the kabbalists responds:

"We cannot tell you, because you are not a mekubal

The man thanks them again and leaves disappointed. A year goes by, and the man coincidentally breaks down in front of the same shack. He knocks on the door again and they greet him as an old friend, giving him once again a bed to sleep on. In the middle of the night, the man hears the same strange noise, and follows it again to see it's coming from the same wooden door, which is still locked. In the morning, the kabbalists once again gave him breakfast and fixed his car, and as he was about to leave the man once again implored the Rabbis to know what was behind the wooden door:

"Thank you once again, great Rabbis. It has been one whole year and I still wonder what the source of the strange noise is, as I've heard it again last night."

The Rabbis all look at each other and smile. The leader once again steps forward and tells the man:

"We cannot tell you, because you are not a monk."

The man leaves frustrated once again, and doesn't stop thinking about the strange noise for months. Two years later, the man coincidentally breaks down in those same woods  by their house once again, and once again they give him shelter. The man hears the strange noise in the night again, and in the morning asks them:

"Please, kind Kabbalists. I must know the source of the noise, I beg you."

They explain to the man once again:
.
"We cannot tell you, because you are not a Kabbalist."

The man asks them what he has to do to become a mekubal. They tell him he  study all of the Torah and it's wisdom. Afterwards he must travel the world and count all the leaves in the world's trees, all the blades in the world's grass, all the grains of the world's sand, and all the drops of water in the world's oceans. He must return with the exact number, and only then will he become a mekubal and be able to learn the source of the sound.

The man sets out on his quest to become a mekuabl, and 65 years later returns to the Mekubalim as an old man.

"I have studied all of the Torah and it's teachings and I have traveled the world," he said. "I have counted every leaf in the trees, every blade of grass, every grain of sand, and every drop in the ocean. There are 1572794709088 leaves in the world's trees, 3651870612479 blades of grass in the world, 6810379165872 grains of sand in the world, and 10752899766394 drops of water in the world's oceans."

"Congratulations," the head mekubal said. "You are now a mekubal. Please, come with us."

They took the man to an initiation ceremony. He went to the Mikva, a natural spring that was quite cold and dipped numerous times. He fasted for three days and recited all of the psalms. He was ready. The man requested to be taken to the wooden door to learn the source of the strange sound, so he was finally taken to the door and they gave him the key. The man opened the wooden door, just to find a door made of stone behind it. He asked for the key to the stone door, and they gave it to him as well. He opened the stone door to find a door of coal behind it.

One by one, the man kept unlocking and opening doors. After the door of coal he found a door of glass, then a door of iron, then a door of steel, then a door of bronze, then a door of silver, then a door of ruby, then a door of sapphire, then a door of emerald, then a door of gold, then a door of platinum, then a door of diamond, and finally a door of obsidian.

"This is the final door," said the head mekubal. "Behind it you will find the source of the strange sound."

The kabbalist handed the man the key to the door of obsidian and, as he opened it, the man finally found the source of the strange sound...
But I cannot tell you, because you are not a kabbalist…. (That's the second time you fell for one of these!- I did to…)

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Answer is D–  This one was easy and a pretty dead giveaway for anyone that took the tour guiding course. We spent four days in Eilat on that trip. There's not a lot to see and talk about in Eilat, although there are lots of amazing hikes there. The flamingo like those salt pools because they are full of these crabs called "sea monkeys" or Eilat Artemia that live there. These crabs have lots of Beta-carotene which it seems give them their pink color. So I got this one right and the score is Schwartz 29 and 11 for MOT (Ministry of Tourism) on this exam my grade is looking up..!

 

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