Un-marriage-ables- Parshat Ki Teitzei 2020/ 5780

 

Insights and Inspiration

from the

Holy Land

from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

"Your friend in Karmiel"

August 28^th 2020 -Volume 10 Issue 44 8^th Elul 5780

 

Parshat Ki Teitzei

Un-Marriage-ables

"But we're in love, Rabbi" She told me. As if that was somehow supposed to impress me and change my mind. It didn't. The truth is I felt bad for Michelle. She was a great girl. Raised in a non-observant, but very "Jewishy" home, she had really been coming a long way in her Jewish journey in growth in yiddishkeit. She was a regular at my classes and Shabbos table. I had high hopes for he to go off to Israel and to study in a yeshiva there for girls. But then Derek came along. Over the past few months she had been spending more and more time with him, and it seems that "things" had been getting more serious. When we finally had our sit down to talk about their relationship I saw that she was clearly torn. She had never imagined herself with a non-Jewish partner, but yet… she was in love.

 

"I've dated a lot of Jewish guys, but I've never connected to any of them the way I do with Derek. He's deep, he's sensitive, we connect on so many levels. Sure I know it won't be easy. He's definitely not interested in being Jewish. But he has tremendous respect for my choices and connection to Judaism. Doesn't love conquer all? If we care and love each other enough, maybe we can make it work."

 

My heart went out for her. She really liked him, and he really was a nice, great guy. He just wasn't from the tribe. He wasn't her bashert. But you really can't convince a girl in love that love really isn't enough. That despite what Hollywood, novels, and society have been telling the world for centuries marriage is so much more than love, and as powerful and overwhelming a feeling that love is, it doesn't possess the ingredients to build the amazing Jewish home that she had dreamed of. The love she was feeling really didn't have the power to accomplish anything meaningful.

 

I had to be harsh. She knew I cared, so I could get away with it. So I told her about Dor Yehsorim.  See when Orthodox young men and women meet for the purpose of marriage there is a test that they take to see if the two of them are compatible. This is not an internet dating site, don’t worry. Tay Sachs, is a terrible diesase that can only occur if both parents possess a certain gene found in Ashkenazic Jews. Statistics are that if they are both carriers there is a 25% chance that their children will have this terrible debilitating disease that usually ends with the child dying at a very young age under terrible conditions. If only one parent has the gene though it is not a problem, it cannot be transmitted. So all young men and women take this test when they are in school and are given a number and when a shidduch is mentioned the numbers are exchanged and without revealing if either is a carrier they tell you whether the match should move forward.

 

Now I shared with her a story of a couple that didn't do the test initially. However, after their engagement they got tested and whadaya know? They found out that they were both positive for the gene. Now what? Should they go forward with the marriage or not? Maybe love conquers all?

 

What if the fiancé was diagnosed with a terrible disease? AIDS? What if you found out that they were bi-polar (and didn't take meds)? They couldn't have children? They had a gambling problem or a drug addiction.  Does love conquer all…? It obviously doesn't, despite how much love one has for another and how great they make you feel and how they may even be fantastic people that you would want to help and sit by their bedside. They're not what you would choose as marriage material. Because marriage is bigger than that and finding the right person for that particular role is gonna take other more important qualifications than love.

 

What's it gonna take? Well this week's Torah portion of Ki Teitzei has a lot of tips and mitzvos of who not to marry. Let's check out some of them and see if we can create a Jewish dating profile of what to look for and not to look for.

 

Well, the first story in the parsha is the mitzva of Yefas Toar. She's a non-Jewish women that in fact one is permitted to take for a wife, after a quickie one month conversion. She is captured during war, and it seems that this mitzva is a concession to soldiers who seem to have major testosterone flowing during warfare. The Torah rather than putting this soldier through what would seem to be too difficult of a challenge, permits her to the soldier if he can put up with her whining and mourning for her family that she lost in war for a month. It's pretty brutal. Certainly not politically correct. But thank God, the Divine editor, of our Torah has no fear of being "cancel cultured". He wasn't writing a column in the NY Times. He was writing lessons for us. And he speaks truth to us, as He knows us. After-all He did make us.

 

This woman, seemingly an innocent victim, the Torah seems to say is a bad idea to marry, although she is not prohibited. The following portion describes the wayward children that come out of such a marriage and the case of a husband who eventually hates his wife. Yes, she's a yefas to'ar- she's beautiful and yes, right now you feel you can't live without her. And yes, that love even allowed you to put up with her in the worst of times. You saw her crying, you saw her mourning, you saw her disheveled. All those wonderful life cycles that our smart women only show us after they have a ring on their finger and are good and married. Who knows what the shidduch crisis would look like if the average yeshiva bachur got to see that before they were married. Shhh… let's not tell them. But guess what? even having been through all of that together doesn't allow that love will conquer all. You can marry her if you like…but don't come running back later crying why it didn't work out.

 

Later on in the parsha the Torah goes even a step further and discusses a Jewish woman that one "couldn't resist"- as obscene as that sounds, and he either seduces or takes advantage of her without the sanctity of marriage. The halacha is that she is now his forever (as long as she wants). It has nothing to do with whether he loves her or not. In fact, the few cases Tanach mentioned after such incidents took place the "boyfriend" or seducer generally is disgusted by her afterwards. Building a home with her, the torah tells us is not predicated on his love for her or how much he may desire her anymore or not. It's about responsibility that one has for the woman he has committed a marital act with.  In a regular marriage a man has a choice if he wishes to stay married or not. Each day he's there it's because he chooses to be there. But in these cases, since he took away her choice about being in the situation she is in, he no longer has that choice anymore. Only she does. So it's not a marriage built upon love necessarily. Yet the Torah tells us that one can still build and make a marriage out of that. It may not be what he's looking for. But tough luck. It's what he chose, it's what he's obligated to do. As my mother taught me. "You make your bed- You lie in it"

 

These laws all seem to address that marriage is not and should not be about the desire for the other person. Good looks or attraction does not a good Torah marriage make. Our sages tell us that it is forbidden for someone to marry somebody without seeing their spouse first. I'm pretty sure that Zoom dating isn't good enough. The reason given is not so that he can be sure he is attracted to her. Rather fascinatingly enough, in the words of the Talmud it's "so that he shouldn't be disgusted by the way she looks". Reb Matisyahu Solomon, the mashgiach in Lakewood asked a boy once in yeshiva how his date was. The young bachur responded ambivalently that she "nisht shlecht" (not bad). He told him "Az vos ken zein shlect mit a nit shlecheter- What can be bad about something not bad!" Baruch Hashem all Bnos Yisrael have a natural beauty and chein. It's not something to worry about or even to put on one's "must-have" list. It's not what will make a good Torah marriage, and if desire and love are all you have on your "list"". It's too short.

 

The Parsha then takes it a step further as it details men and women that are not permitted to marry into the Jewish people. All of them are forbidden to marry someone and become part of "Kahal Yisrael- the community of Israel. The Torah starts this list with a man that has been injured in a dramatic way that he can no longer have children. I'll leave out the gory details. Interestingly enough though this only applies if this is not a natural born condition. Someone born with a fertility problem even of a physical nature can get married with a regular Jewish girl.

 

Reb Mosh Feinstien explains that the reason for this prohibition is because when getting married is not just two people living alone together on an island happily ever after. Marriage is about becoming part of the community. It's about building eternity. It's about raising a family. Someone who was born unfertile has their bashert that was born with them. Someone that underwent something that left him that way, may get married to woman that is forbidden to join the community, as we'll see. He can even be righteous person and marry a righteous person, such as a convert. But joining Kahal Hashem, means that there was nothing that was done to you to prevent you from making that family. Our sacred bris is the only sign and mark we make on our body to remind us of the importance of procreation in our place as the community of Hashem. Because a Jewish marriage is not just about love.

 

That idea follows to the next law, which again seems to be go against modern political correct thought, is the prohibition to marry a mamzer (male) or a mamzeres (female)- this is someone who was born of a forbidden relationship whether an extramarital one or one with a forbidden family member. A mamzer/es can never marry anyone that doesn't come from a similar background. Not only the mamzer but all of their future descendants are prohibited to marry anyone that is not as well invalid to marry into the disti

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RABBI SCHWARTZ’S FAVORITE YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

 " Der shainker hot lib dem shikker, ober di tochter vet er im nit geben." The saloon-keeper loves the drunkard, but he wouldn’t give him his daughter in marriage.

 RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

answer below at end of Email

The “Sigd” holiday belongs to the following community:

A. Yemenite

B.  Ethiopian

C.  Karaite

D.  Samaritan

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO  OF THE WEEK

 https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/lulay-heamanti-kavey - In honor of Elul enjoy my most beautiful & inspiring Rabbi Schwartz composition Lulay He'amanti arranged and sung by Dovid Lowy

 https://youtu.be/maaumNbBGDE -Hillel Kapnick inspiring beautiful song U'Teshuva from his new Elul Disc

 https://youtu.be/kqzMDBdeQC0   – Yaakov Shwekey's latest song L'Dovid in honor of Elul

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=biP3Cirl9DY –Shlomo Katz awesome Everlasting love farbrengen

 RABBI SCHWARTZ'S PARSHA/MITZVA CONNECTION OF THE WEEK

 Parshat Ki Teitzey – Shiluach Hakein-Sending away the mother bird- Pigeons are annoying birds. They chirp outside my window early in the morning, they leave droppings all over the floor outside my house and last month I found a strange smell in my office, and it turns out that one of them made a nest outside of my window and I've got spoiled bird eggs sitting there. Yet, these fine feathered  'boids' as they say in Brooklyn actually get a mitzva of their own and it's one that the Torah tells us merits long life, and in these scary times that can't be such a bad thing.

 In the short verses about this strange mitzva the Torah tells us

 Devarim (22;6-7) If, along the road, you chance upon a bird’s nest, in any tree or on the ground, with fledglings or eggs and the mother sitting over the fledglings or on the eggs, do not take the mother together with her young. Shalayach Tishalach –Send away the mother, and take only the young, in order that you may fare well and have a long life.

 So in a nutshell- or eggshell to be more accurate, if one finds a kosher birds nest; kosher birds being robins, doves, pigeons, mallard ducks or even Canadian geese what my father calls "katchkas", then there is a mitzva to send away the mother bird and to take the eggs or chicks. It's not necessary to keep the eggs or chickens, just pick them up and put them down again after sending away the mother bird. You do this, the Torah tells us that you'll be granted long life, according to one opinion in the talmud this means in the eternal world. Not bad, for what our sages describe as a pretty easy mitzva.

 Now we don't have reasons for mitzvos. We have taam'ey hamitzvot- tastes of the mitzva, which are ideas that we can take out of the mitzva that has meaning for us. There is certainly a component of mercy as not to take the babies in front of the mother. Yet our sages say we can't certainly say that is the reason as it is arguable, after all why take the babies at all? Others suggest that there is an idea of not destroying an entire species, much as the mitzva of not slaughtering a mother cow and their calf in the same day. Yet, the Ramban tells us that there are all types of deep kabbalistic mystical reasons behind this mitzva that are not for the layman. The Zohar though does say that the cry of the mother bird does elicit Hashem's compassion for his children, and he showers us with mercy when it we fulfill this mitzva.

 One of the important things about this mitzva is making sure you've got the mother bird. As both of them sit on the nest this is not easy to tell. Most laymen can't tell the difference but here's a tip. The ladies usually sit on the nest by night and the men by day. Whether there is a lesson here as to which parent should be in charge of putting the children to sleep is up to you to decide. It's also not a mitzva that you should wait around to do. After the chicks are born it's usually only about two weeks or so before they start to fly and then the mitzva can no longer be fulfilled.

 Now the Torah is quite specific that this mitzva is for one that encounters a bird on the road. This means that the bird, nest, eggs or chicks have to be ownerless, on public property. A nest found on private property, including your own, like the one on my home office window, would belong to the owner of the property and therefore wouldn't be obligated in the mitzva. Yet more often than not we find people fulfilling this mitzva on birds they find be their house. The way this can be done, some authorities offer, is by being mafkir them, declaring it ownerless in front of three people. In doing so one can then send the mother away in fulfillment of the mitzva.

 If you are a bit queasy, it's not neccesary to acutally hold the mother bird in ones hand. You can chase the mother bird away by making noise or tapping the nest with a stick. It is neccesary to pick up the birds or eggs though. A blessing is not recited though on this mitzva according to most authorities.

 RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

  Dovid rise to Glory - 878 BC- Dovid's return to Shaul after the slaying of Golyas and the trouncing of the Plishtim was with great fanfare. Shaul's palace was most likely in Tel Al Ful near Givat Zeev. It can be seen supposedly from Givat Shaul in Jerusalem which is one of the reasons it was called Givat Shaul although it's quite far away. But it was also called Givat Shaul after the Rishon Litziyon in the times of the Ottoman Empire Reb Yaaakov Shul Elishur. The women would come out to the streets and cheer how Shaul had killed thousands but Dovid had killed 10's of thousands. This obviously was upsetting to Shaul, who already had been informed that his kingdom would be shortened as a result of his failure to wipe out Amalek. Yet Shaul's resentment of Dovid it seemed went a step further than plain old jealousy. There seems to have been some depression that infected Shaul, perhaps as a result of having lost the divine spirit that rested upon him. Ironically it was only Dovid that could calm him as he played the harp for him. Yet it was twice during those moments of Dovid playing for him that Shaul attempted to "by mistake- On purpose" try to kill him with his spear. But it didn't work. Hashem was watching out for Dovid and Shaul was realizing the game was over.

 The next plan for Shaul was to perhaps have Dovid killed in some crazy military mission. Now earlier on the Navi told us that the soldiers ha told Dovid that whoever kills Golyas will have his daughter's hand in marriage. It's not clear if that was a guarantee given by Shaul or if it was just 'the word on the street'. Regardless Shaul was not that forthcoming. Technically Shaul's oldest daughter, Meirav, after whom the yishuv by Mt. Gilboa where  many of Shaul's family is remembered is named, should've been wed to Dovid, but Shaul had her married to someone else. So the next in line was Michal, who anyways was pretty in love with Dovid. But Shaul wasn't going to make it easy for Dovid. He had word sent to him, that rather than the typical dowry that one should give for a daughter's hand in marriage, Shaul wanted revenge against the Plishtim. How about 100 foreskins of the some Plishtim terrorists. Mazel Tov!

 Now Shaul had expected that Dovid would never make it out of this seeming suicide mission, but never bet against Dovid. He came back with 200 orlos. Take that. This obviously exacerbated the situation even more between the two and things were going to start getting nastier and nastier. So if there's one lesson you should learn from here… never ever complain about your father-in-law again Dovid had worse…

 RABBI SCHWARTZ’S MARRIAGE JOKES  OF THE WEEK

 Mr & Mrs Goldberg had just got married. On their way to their  home, Mr Goldberg said to his new wife “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?” 

Abe steps out of his building to hail a taxi and immediately finds one. As he gets in, the cabbie says, “Perfect timing, just like Saul.”

“Who's Saul?” asks the passenger.

“Saul Gold, of course,” says the cabbie. “Now there was someone who got what he wanted — like a taxi just when he needed it. Not like me; I always have to wait ages when I need something.”

“Nobody’s perfect," says the passenger.

“Except Saul,” says the cabbie. “Saul was a great athlete and could have played in the NFL. Not like me – I'm just a couch potato. Saul danced like Astaire. Not like me. I've got two left feet.”

“Sounds like Saul was really someone special.”

“You can say that again,” says the cabbie. “He even remembered everyone’s birthday. Not like me. I always forget important birthdays and anniversaries. And Saul could fix anything in the house. Not like me. If I change a fuse, the whole neighborhood has a power failure. And Saul knew how to treat his wife. He could always make her feel good and never answered her back even if she was in the wrong. He always complimented her on dinner. Not like me. I'm always getting into arguments with my wife.”

“What an amazing person. How did you meet him?” asks the passenger.

“Well, I never actually met Saul,” replies the cabbie.

“Then how do you know so much about him?” asks the passenger.

“I married his widow,” replies the cabbie. 

 A family of Schmohawk Indians were sitting around the fire one night. There was papa Geronowitz, mama Pocayenta and the daughter, Minihorowitz. 

"So, nu," says Minihorowitz, "You'll never believe." 

"What?" says Pocayenta. 

"Today, at high noon, someone proposed to me." 

"So what did you say?" says Pocayenta." 

"I said yes" 

"That's wonderful," says Pocayenta. "She said yes! Did you hear that Geronowitz? Our little Minihorowitz is getting married." 

"I heard," says Geronowitz, "I'm kvelling. So who's the lucky boy?" 

"Sittin' Bialy." 

"Sittin' Bialy?" says Pocayenta," of the SoSiouxMe tribe?" 

"That's the one," says Minihorowitz. 

"Oy, Geronowitz! The SoSiouxMe's! There are so many of them. How can we feed them? How can we get them all in our teepee for the wedding?" 

"We'll think of something," says Geronowitz. 

"Geronowitz, get me a buffalo for the wedding. I can make buffalo tzimmes from the meat and we can make an extra teepee from the hide. Get me a buffalo." 

So Geronowitz goes out to hunt a buffalo. A day and night goes by and Geronowitz has not come back. Another day and half the night and Geronowitz comes home exhausted, staggering and empty-handed. 

"Geronowitz I've been worried sick. Where have you been? Where's my buffalo?" 

"It's like this," he says. "On my first day out, I hunted high and I hunted low and I finally found a buffalo. But this buffalo was scrawny with no meat on his bones for buffalo tzimmes and barely enough hide for a rain hat. So I settled in for the night to try again the next day. 

The second day, I looked high and I looked low, from this way and that way and I finally found a buffalo. He was big with lots of meat and lots of hide, but I tell you, Pocayenta, this was the ugliest buffalo I ever saw in my life. This, I thought to myself, is not the buffalo for my daughter's wedding. So I carried on looking. I went up hills and I went down hills and I found a big buffalo. It was, as buffaloes go, a beautiful buffalo. If I say so myself, it was  the perfect buffalo. This, I said to myself, is the buffalo Pocayenta wants for Minihorowitz's wedding. 

So I reach into my backpack quietly for my tomahawk as I tip-toe over to the buffalo. I raise my tomahawk slowly over the buffalo's neck when suddenly, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I see it." 

"See what?" says Pocayenta. 

"I've brought the dairy tomahawk!" 

 Sadie sits down next to an attractive man on the train and says, "You look just like my fourth husband". The man replies, "Your fourth husband? So how many times have you been married, lady?" 

"Three," replies Sadie. 

 A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. 

He then says, "Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry." 

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." 

"That's amazing, Mom. You're right. How did you know?" 
"I don't like her."

 Christine and Daniel fall in love and decide to get married - but only on condition that Christine becomes Jewish. So she goes to see Rabbi Levy for some advice. 

Rabbi Levy tells her, "You will have to learn how to keep a kosher home, light shabbes candles, keep two sets of crockery and a few other simple things." 
"That sounds easy to me, rabbi," says Christine, "I can easily do that." 
Then Rabbi Levy says, "The last thing is, you must go to a mikva." 
"A mikva?" says Christine, "what's that?" 
"It's a pool of water," answers Rabbi Levy, "and you must immerse yourself completely for a few seconds." 
"I'm sorry, rabbi, but I have a phobia about putting my head underwater. I'll go into the water up to my chin but I won’t put my head under the water. Will that be OK?" 
"I suppose it will do," replies Rabbi Levy, "you’ll be mostly Jewish but you will still have a 'Goyisha kop'."

 Sharon had lived a good life, having been married four times. Now she stood before the Pearly Gates. The angel at the gates said to her, “I see that you first of all married a banker, then an actor, next a rabbi and lastly an undertaker. Why? This does not seem appropriate for a Jewish woman.” 

“Oh yes it is”, Sharon replied. “It’s one for the money, two for the show, three to make ready and four to go.”

Moishe had just had a medical check up. "I hate to be the one to break it to you," said the doctor, "but you've only got about 6 months to live." 

"Oh my God" gasped Moishe, turning white. 
A few minutes later, after the news had sunk in, Moishe said, "Doctor, you've known me a long time. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?" 
"Have you ever married?" asked the doctor. 
Moishe replied that he had been a bachelor his whole life. 
"You might think about taking a wife," said the doctor, "after all, you'll need someone to look after you during the final illness." 
"That's a good point," said Moishe, "and with only 6 months to live I better make the most of my remaining time." 
"May I make one more suggestion?" asked the doctor, "marry a Jewish girl." 
"A Jewish girl? Why?" asked Moishe. 
"It'll seem longer."

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Answer is B –  Another fairly easy one for anyone living in Israel, although I doubt if any Americans knew this. Sigd is a Ethiopian holiday that is 50 days after Yom Kippur, according to the new calendar they established about 150 years ago. It is a day of prayer, fasting and celebration. It's not sure what or why it was established but it seems that it had to do with the removal of Christian persecution and the reunification of their Beta Israel community and their reconnection with Torah like in the book of Nechemia that inspired them.  Another one right again and the score is Schwartz 31 and 11 for MOT (Ministry of Tourism) on this exam my grade is looking up..!