Holy Earth- Parshat Tzav- Parah 2024 5784

 

Insights and Inspiration

from the

Holy Land

from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

"Your friend in Karmiel"

March 29^th 2024 -Volume 13 Issue 25 19^th of Adar II 5784

Parshat Tzav-Parah

Holy Earth

Yeshiva trips are a bit different than the family missions that I’ve been “guiding”. I don’t do a lot of them and truthfully, I don’t enjoy them as much. It’s not only because they pay less or pay late. Money has never been much of a consideration in doing what I do in life, much to my parent’s and probably my wife’s occasional consternation. If it were, I probably wouldn’t have chosen a career for 15 years as a Rabbi and outreach professional in an industry that is by definition quite religiously non-profit. Literally. As well being a tour guide in Israel, a country that seems to be subject to regular wars and Corona viruses that close it down every few years or so, isn’t the most financially strategic position to achieve and type of nest egg. Yeah, money was never really my motivation.

 

I’m more of a do-what-I-enjoy-doing type of guy. I like connecting with people, sharing with them the things I’m passionate about, introducing them to much of the beauty of the gifts that we as the Jewish people have. Whether it’s Shabbos, Torah, Eretz Yisrael or chulent and thereby appreciating my own life and faith even more so through them. Really simple isn’t it. The whole life of Ephraim Schwartz in one sentence.

 So that being the case I really don’t enjoy the yeshiva trip thing so much. First of all Yeshiva guys are generally not that interested in hearing a tour guide tell them anything. They think they know it all. They discussed the war endlessly and have figured it all out in the coffee room and late-night dorm or dira discussions over sunflower seeds and cigarettes.  Add to that that they’ve usually had boring guides or Rebbeim in the past and have developed a tendency to tune out anything that’s being said to them, particularly over a microphone on a bus. I know and can relate. I was and pretty much and still am the same way. It’s like I told some people in my shul who were complaining about the guys that leave for my sermons on Shabbos and make a break-off Minyan and wanted me to put a stop to it. I told them, that if I wasn’t the one talking, I probably would be out there with them and kind of have to hold myself back each week from walking out on my own speech. It’s just habit.

As well unlike my clients who are paying me to take them on the trip and have an added financial incentive to actually enjoy, learn, experience and listen to what I’m saying. After-all they just paid a lot of money for the day. Yeshiva guys didn’t pay a shekel. They’ve just escaped from jail. Lecturing and talking to them while they are prisoners on my bus impedes their day off when they just want to have fun. The only thing that they have going for them in terms of any relatability is that in some way they feel like hostages- just on the way to the Gaza strip rather than being held in Gaza. The problem is that the guy with the microphone- me- is their captor. Yeah… It’s a rough job and I don’t do it often.

 But yet throughout this war there have been the few times that I have taken yeshivos and there is something special that happens on these trips as well. Something that doesn’t happen on the family, couples, or group missions that I do. See, the regular missions that I run are really more about the people that we visit rather than the ones that are with me in my car or the bus. The families that we give chizuk or support to. The bereaved, the families of hostages, refugees, farmers or even reservist wives and children. Those are my real clients, I tell anyone that comes with me. It’s them that I care about, and I want to help and visit as many as I can in a day. I have no time for lunch or bathrooms or dilly dallying.

 When I take yeshiva guys though, than it’s about inspiring and educating and connecting them. It’s more like tour guiding in that way. I never really had any aspirations in life to be a Rosh Yeshiva, yet for those few hours that I have them on the bus with me, I find myself sliding into that role. I have a job to do. I can share or inspire them with something that perhaps they won’t get anywhere else. Something that their own Rabbis or Rosh Yeshiva won’t be able to convey to them. It’s kind of cool. I think about my own Rebbeim that are probably turning over in their graves watching me. But the truth is they were probably already doing that when I became a Rosh Kollel, Rabbi or outreach director. I wasn’t the one they had banked on to be the carrier of their legacies. I do it a bit different than they did. But hey, it works and considering what could’ve happened had I gone over to the other side, this can’t be too bad.

 So I take the job I have seriously when I have these guys. We have meaningful days and I try to convey to them important messages about the situation we are in now, the responsibilities they have and even some of the good sermons I gave on Shabbos that they probably would’ve walked out for and missed in the breakoff minyan. As well I try to perhaps step them out of the comfort zone and even more importantly out of their own Rosh Yeshiva’s bubble and expand their thinking to new ideas that I believe are essential for them and for all of us. I speak about Aliya and the mitzva to move here that they don’t necessarily get in yeshiva. I speak about the heroism of our soldiers, their mesirus nefesh,-their sacrifice and their holy work. I talk about the incredible mitzvos that farmers and others that are just working the land, that even a secular jew here fulfills that the Chasam Sofer describes as being equal if not even greater than Torah study. But most of all I try to convey to them a sense of appreciation for every single yid and to break down that elitist attitude that perhaps yeshivas 70 years ago felt the need to impart to their students to give them a sense of self-respect and mission in a world that didn’t appreciate the concept, but that today is perhaps a little too over boarded in my generally never humble opinion.

 And so it was I found myself a few weeks ago having a disagreement with one of the accompanying Rabbis or Rosh Yeshivas that was on the bus with us about our next and final destination for the day-before our evening BBQ with the soldiers. We had visited a kibbutz and seen the destroyed houses. We had gone to the car-park and seen the shot up and burnt cars. We visited Sderot, the police station and we even did some agriculture with a farmer helping him with his clementine crops. The next stop I had planned was the Nova festival site. I wanted them to go there and had planned to daven Mincha there as well. The Rosh Yeshiva though objected. He precluded and tempered his hesitation with the disclaimer that of course everyone that was murdered there died or more accurately was killed al kiddush hashem- they were martyred. They’re kedoshim. Yet he just didn’t feel comfortable bringing these boys to a place where there was what he described as a “chilul Hashem” as well. After-all it was simchas Torah. There was a concert going on. There were drugs, frivolity. Perhaps dancing around a golden calf like environment. This wasn’t a place he felt that his boys need to go to and daven at. I of course disagreed.

 I explained to the Rosh Yeshiva, that I felt it was important to come for a few reasons. The first was because I wanted the boys to connect to the faces behind all that we saw, discussed and witnessed. This wasn’t just a trip in history to understand what the Crusades or the pogroms back in Europe looked like. This wasn’t a modern-day Israeli version of the “March of the Living”. These were people. This is family. Our brothers, our sisters. The hostages that are still sitting in Gaza, that are suffering and being tortured or worse have faces, holy faces, that needed to be embedded in their minds and hearts and then their prayers. The students need to see those neshomos and that light on those posters and pictures that dot that holy bloodstained earth. That’s the first reason I wanted to bring them there.

 Now I said holy bloodstained earth and I saw the Rabbi cringe a bit, which was kind of the point. At the time though I hadn’t yet seen this week’s parsha. I was still unfamiliar with the incredible Chasam Sofer  and what the Torah describes as to what in Hashem’s eyes is considered and makes a holy place. He Jew-splains it better than I ever could. It is the parsha of sacrifices. It’s the parsha that will take us to the Temple.

 The parsha begins with the discussion of three sacrifices, their status and the location of where they were offered. But it’s the nuances that count and that one needs to pay attention to. The first, the Olah offering we are told is slaughtered and entirely burnt up on the North portion of the altar. The Chatas- sin offering that follows is called ‘holy of holies- kodesh kadashim’ and the Torah tells us is slaughtered and sacrificed

 “in the same place as the Olah is slaughtered so should the sin offering be slaughtered”

 Similarly, the next up is the Asham guilt offering which is also ‘holy of holies’ where we are also told

 “in the same place as the Olah is slaughtered so should the guilt offering slaughtered”

 That law of where they must be slaughtered, rather than anywhere in the Temple is one of the unique differences between kodshim kalim and kodshei kadshim- more lenient and stricter- holier sacrifices. Yet what the Chasam Sofer notes is that although we derive the location of the guilt and sin offering from the Olah, the fact that the Olah is considered kodesh kadashim is only derived as the Torah tells us from the Chatas and the Asham- the sin and guilt offering. In fact the Torah goes out of its way to describe its holiness as

 “Kodesh Kadashim Ka’chatas Vi’Kasham- holy of holies like the Sin and Guilt offering.

 I know that generally speaking, all this talk of korbanos and sacrifices kind of turns off the brain in most of us and makes us all a bit blurry, but just stick with me one more minute because as the Chasam Sofer teaches us, all of this back and forth comparisons the Torah goes out of its way to teach us and reference is to give us one of the most important insights of our lives. Particularly today.

 You see, he notes the Olah sacrifice is really not brought that often for a sin. It’s really only brought as an individual offering for one who has hihurei aveira- someone who only contemplates sin, or for failure perhaps to fulfill a positive commandment. It’s not for someone that has necessarily done anything bad. Overall, he’s a pretty holy person. In fact, it’s also brought by someone that entered the Temple while he was still not entirely purified. He wasn’t a guy that was hanging out in the bowery. He was someone that’s an overall pretty righteous guy. He wants to go to shul, to learn, to the Beit HaMikdash and bring offerings.

  On the other hand the sin and guilt offerings are for the guys that have done bad things. They’ve violated serious aveiros, they were negligent in their observance. They may have stolen or sworn falsely. They may have gone to a dance festival on Simchas Torah, not really ever having learned or appreciated what a holy day it is, because they weren’t raised that way.

 One can’t possibly imagine that those guys or girls’ “atonement” or teshuva would be the same as the tzadik who just had some negative thoughts. Who perhaps maybe didn’t fulfill the mitzva of loving their neighbor like themselves to the highest degree. Who maybe wasted some precious Torah time during seder, or thought about getting a non-kosher phone. These festival going people might feel that their atonement needs to be in a much deeper place or level. They can’t come to the same place as the FFB holy yeshiva guys that might have just had some bad thoughts. The torah thus tells us that’s not true. The chatas and asham are in the same exact place as the Olah. Their place is together. Their atonement is one. Their teshuva is just as beloved and just as easy as the Olah one. Their place is just as holy.

 But it’s even more than that he points out. For as we noted the only place where the Olah-righteous one’s sin offering is in itself derived to be “holy of holies” is actually from the chatas and asham’s. The Tzadik and yeshiva guy is only holy because he realizes that the power of teshuva is given for the worst of sins, and he is no different than them.  It’s only when they realize that in fact- and this is very deep here- that although to be holy means one has to do teshuva and elevate oneself, but that’s not the highest level or even the objective.  The real game is to achieve the Holy of Holies. That state  isn’t just a higher level of kedusha. Rather it is the recognition that the lower level of sin from where you came and lifted up from is in fact holy as well. We sin because Hashem puts us in that situation, He wants us to not only atone, but to even see that sin we did, the thoughts we had, the distance that was between us, was only so that we could get closer. That makes it kodesh kadashim. Only after experiencing the darkness, can we appreciate the greatest light.

 To a large degree those that were at the Nova festival this past Simchas Torah were what we call in halachic Talmudic terms, tinokos she’nishbu- children who were captives and never really given the benefit of appreciating how precious, special and incredible our Torah and it’s lifestyle is. They’re like the Biebers babies- those cute little redheads who if god forbi- lo aleinu if we don’t get back from those animals in Gaza and they’re raised as Hamas’niks, as incomprehensible and horrific as that is to even think about, would not be responsible for any sins that they do. That’s the status of anyone, our Rabbis tell us that haven’t had a real healthy Jewish education. And yes you can be medayek in my words- to include that to even those raised frum but didn’t receive that and left it.

 Yet there was some holy spark in their “captive- hostage” neshomas that told them that on Simchas Torah they had to be happy. They had to celebrate. They had to dance and rejoice. Hashem saw that holy spark that remained and could never be extinguished and brought them to that festival. He brought them there so that they could protect the rest of the country. As Hamas who was planning on heading up to Ashkelon and Ashdod and massacre those cities as well would get stuck for hours over there and therefore unable to carry out a larger pogrom than the one they did. He brought them there so that their last acts on this world would be to save Jews, to give their lives protecting one another, so they could die as so many did with Shema Yisrael on their lips. He brought them there because out of everyone in Klal Yisrael it was those special and holy neshomos that He wanted closest to Him next to His throne of Glory.

 Those are the only neshomos that Hashem is taking in this last sprint before the redemption. Every day I visit families who have lost someone and each one is greater and holier than the next. Because we are on our way to the Holy of Holies, where we will see the light from the darkest of places and moments. We are on the cusp of entering the era when we understand that there is no difference between the sacrifice and sins of the tzadik and those of the chatas and asham. They are all just a tool to bring us to the same place- the place of the chatas is the place of the asham. The Olah is holy because he recognizes that the chatas is as well. That all our sacrifices are equal and beloved. Because they all bring us to Hashem Echad. We all need to do teshuva and we all need to see that spark that Hashem has revealed in all of us. We and the bochrim in the yeshiva (and the Rosh Yeshiva himself I somewhat respectfully intimated) don’t, need to just “call” them “Kedoshim- martyrs”. We need to really see them as the Kedoshim they are. As Hashem sees them. As the tinokos she’nishbu-the holy precious children that Hashem chose to save and be His sacrifices for the rest of us.

 This week as well we read the parsha of Parah- the third supplemental parsha before the month of Nisan and the rebuilding and rededication of the Temple, God willing this year. It is a parsha that tells us of the ultimate purification for death that is done by the sprinkling of the ashes of the Red Heifer. Rashi tells us that the mother cow should atone for the sin of her child, which is the sin of the golden calf. The sin where we danced and sang and partied, because we thought that Moshe was gone. That there would not be a redemption. That perhaps we needed a new path to Hashem. The Talmud tells us that the truth is that sin was really not fitting for our exalted level right after the giving of the Torah and revelation at Sinai. It compares it to the sin of King David and Batsheva which was really way below his level as well. Yet the reason it happened and we fell, the Talmud teaches us, is that it was divinely orchestrated in order to teach us that we can do teshuva. It’s why the mitzva of the Parah Aduma was given in Marah even before Sinai and the Golden Calf sin. It’s the refuah- the antidote before the machla- the malady. It’s the light that comes out of the darkness. It’s the holy of the holiest.

 The Parah Aduma process is that the pure Kohen becomes impure by purifying others. It doesn’t make sense. But it does. Because holiness-kodesh is perhaps staying away and separate and aloof from all influences. It means staying locked away, and a Kohen is meant to do so and remain pure. Yet to ultimately remove death. In order to reach kodesh hakadoshim, we sometimes have to go out of the camp. We have to go out to the field far away; Chutz La’Machaneh We have to step into the tumah in order to bring out its light. Because our daily Olah- which on a communal level is the most commonly brought sacrifice, brought twice daily, can only be the holy of holies its meant to be if it understands that its power is from the chatas and asham of the holy sinners of Hashem’s nation.

 This is the parsha that we can only best appreciate the Shabbos after Purim. The Shabbos after we just celebrated how the darkest genocidal decree flipped around and turned into an eternal holiday. It’s after we’ve united with our shekalim, we realize we’re each only a half without the other, without Hashem. It’s once we’ve begun eradicating Amalek. With our Torah reading. With banging out Haman’s name. (PS In our shul this year we also banged every time it says the word “Chamas” in the megilla- four of them!). We drank until Ad d’Lo Yada- until we understand that the blessing and curses, the good and the bad, the tragedy and celebration, the chatas the asham and the olah all come from Hashem. We become purified with that knowledge and then we welcome in next week Parshat Ha’Chodesh. The new month a new era. The festival of redemption. For then the entire earth will be filled with His glory. The Beit Ha’Mikdash will be built. The sacrifices will have all been brought.

 Have a Parah-purifying Shabbos,

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

************************

CHIZUK/TZEDAKA OPPORTUNITY OF THE WEEK

 

SAVE A FARM- The farms in the south of Israel are in dire straits. With the harvesting season for vegetation already here, the farmers have a very narrow window of opportunity to harvest their farms before they rot in the field. For most, the IDF does not allow them entrance to their farm for security reasons. For others, the farmers themselves fear for their lives and the lives of their families as rockets continue to fall in their fields. And without workers, harvesting fields and hothouses is an impossible task.

 The survival of the Israeli farmer is very much at stake. Farmers have already been severely hit by years of Covid. This was followed by a sabbatical year of Shmitah - when no produce was grown on their fields during the seventh year of the Shmitah cycle. Now, with the struggles brought on by this sudden onslaught by Hamas, farmers will not be able to survive.

 They need help now! Help for agriculture and animals to survive. Help for their family members to survive. Help to build back morale - for the very ones who literally and figuratively help sustain the people and nation of Israel.

 Some damage cannot be undone. In all probability, the country is facing a long war. Whatever funds the government will allocate will be going to the war effort - as they should. The government's commitment to pay the farmers restitution may take half a year or more and will surely not cover their loss in its entirety.  Historically, the government has allowed agricultural imports from Israel’s Arab neighborhoods and other Middle Eastern countries at a lower cost than Israeli-grown produce.

 However, it is the farmer who has sacrificed for so many decades to keep the farmland in Israeli hands. These farmers, with their fields close to the Gaza and Lebanese borders, act as a safety buffer to the Israeli cities. The farmlands are intricately linked to Israel's first line of defense. As this war has proven, the farmers are paying a very high price for their unwavering commitment.

 If we don't help Israeli farmers now, we will surely lose some of these farmlands, which in turn means that Israeli produce will be affected for years to come. More importantly, it might affect the future defense of Israel irreparably!

 PLEASE SEND ME SCREENSHOTS OF YOUR DONATIONS SO I CAN FORWARD TO OUR fARMERS  and let them know that our Readers love THEM and appreciate WHAT THEY’RE GOING THROUGH AND WHAT THEY DO FOR OUR COUNTRY

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjitGHEQsaE     

 And here’s the link to donate

https://www.saveafarmfund.org/donate.php

 YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

" Bei nacht zeinen alleh ki shvarts.”- At night all cows are black.

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

answer below at end of Email

33.The energy production process in plants is called ___________.

Where in Israel "Sudanian Flora" can be found?

A. In the Judea lowland

B. In the Negev

C. On the peaks of the upper Galilee

D. Along the Great Rift (Syrian-African rift)

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO OF THE WEEK

 https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/yiddelach   – In Honor of PURim MY latest new release… Its; the only song I’m posting this week. You just have to listen to it five times… If You want the Rap at the end… IT’s amazing… Tell me how much you love it…

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZsOsTjKVS0   – Incredible and inspired Dror Yikra by my dear friend Reb Ari Lindner with words for the prayer for hostages and Chayalim- well worth the listen.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pNrpzwsEkEc -  Hillarious Ari Lesser Purim Rap, LChayim Rap

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JsGt2TGGy_o   – Lipa’s Purim Hoshia Es Amecha Purim Amalek!

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UOSbMFTmIg&t=198s   – Bardak’s Purim On the way to Megilla…

  RABBI SCHWARTZ’S PARSHA PRAYER INSPIRATION OF THE WEEK

Thank You Hashem- Purim is over. Pesach is on the way and hopefully with that the Geula- our redemption. Yet our sages tell us that even after the redemption the holiday of Purim will continue. It will never ever be over. We will still celebrate it. As well our sages tell us that eventually all of the sacrifices will eventually as well no longer need to be brought once Mashiach comes. There won’t be sin offerings, Olah offerings, guilt or even the daily offerings. There is one sacrifice though that our sages say will be forever and that is the thanksgiving offering that is mentioned in this week’s portion: the korban todah.

 Now the commentaries all deal with the questions of what this means that the holidays will no longer be around or the sacrifices won’t be around in the future. They have different approaches, to answer the question. Some suggest that there are two periods of times. One is the Messianic era when everything remains the same, and the other- what our sages call l’atid la’vo- the ultimate end of days of the resurrection of the dead then everything besides Purim and the thanksgiving offering will be around. Others take a different approach and suggest the joy and revelation will be so great in the Messianic era and thus there will be no more sins. Therefore the other holidays will be batel- they will seem and be considered meaningless and there will be no sin offerings compared to the great days that we will be experiencing. But Purim and Toda are different. They are eternal.

 What makes these two so special. Perhaps the answer is that they encapsulate what the entire Messianic era is all about. Purim is when everything was turned around. When we celebrated and were able to thank Hashem for what literally appeared to be the mass genocide of our people. We saw that it was really for good. Similarly, when one makes the thanksgiving offering it only comes when one has undergone a terrible circumstance. In fact we are told that there are four such scenarios. One who travels over the sea and is in danger. He’s not on solid ground. It’s just him on the raging waters. As well even when one is on the ground but goes through the wilderness. He’s away from everyone. It’s him in the desert and there’s nothing or no one to help him. That sense of loneliness and darkness and then finding Hashem in those places brings one to thanks.

The next two circumstances the Gaon of Vilna says are even closer to home. The first is when one is in jail. He’s a prisoner. A hostage perhaps. There one is amongst people, yet he is locked in. They’re not helping him, He feels abandoned. It’s far deeper and much more painful. The final one is when one is sick and suffering. He has everyone in the world there for him. The best doctors in the world. But you know what. Even in that situation he is in peril. Because ultimately only Hashem has the power to cure and give and restore life. All four of those transformations and ordeals obligate a thanksgiving. That’s the Korban Todah that was brought and as well it is the special Gomel blessing and prayer that we still recite today.

 The Baal Haturim says that when we recite the thanksgiving blessing in Shemona Esrei that concludes

‘V’chol ha’chayim yodu sela”- all with “chayim- life” will praise you. The word “ch’ay’i’m’ is an acronym for these four things. Chet- is chovesh/prisoner, yud- yam/ sea, yud (again) yisurim. Sickness and tribulations, and finally mem-midbar/wilderness. We recite this blessing three times a day because all of our troubles in life can fall into the lack of seeing Hashem in any of these scenarios. So from now on, when we say this prayer perhaps we could pause a moment and think about how this prayer is really eternal. It’s a taste of Mashiach. In that merit may we experience the end to all of our tzaros now!

 RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

722 BC-Chizkiya the righteous King-  So much bad news in this column. It got worse and worse and worse. Reading this column has been almost as bad as opening up the newspapers these days. But then there’s a light. A miracle. Something amazing. Purim is over and now let the good times roll. And they do in this column as well with the advent of the great righteous king Chizkiya There are sages that suggest he was the most righteous of all of the Kings of Yehuda, even greater than Dovid and Shlomo as he never really sinned as opposed to them. The truth is from where he was coming there really was only one direction we could’ve gone and that was up.

 Achaz, as we said, Chizkiya’s father was the worst of the worst. desecrating the Temple, bringing idolatry literally into the house of Hashem. Desecrating the service, banning Torah study, holidays, killing Jews, civil wars, hostages. It was insane. Chizkiya’s first act as king? Desecrating his father’s funeral and grave. Can you imagine? All have gathered for the royal funeral of the king of Israel that reigned for decades, and his own 25-year-old son who takes over, hauls his father out of his fancy coffin and has him shlepped around the city on a blanket of reeds like a pauper and doesn’t even bury him with the kings of Israel. That’s a statement! There’s a new sheriff in town. He does all of this under the guidance of his Rebbi and mentor the prophet Yeshaya- Isaiah.

 After that he then begins his major campaign. For 8 days he removes all of the idolatry from the Temple. He rededicates it. He gathers in all of the Kohanim and the nation and begins a national religious reform. He destroys all of the altars that no king had ever been able to do before and destroys all of the idolatry. This was truly Messianic. In fact, our sages even noted that Chizkiya really had the ability to be Mashiach. Why it didn’t work out we will talk about. But in the meantime we enter perhaps one of the greatest eras of the 1^st Temple, at least for the Judean kingdom. The ten tribes are gone already, yet Chizkiya reaches out to the individuals that remained. He brings achdus amongst the people. There are no longer us and them. North and South. Or even frum or not. We are one nation and Chizkiya as we will see bring the people together and bring us back to Torah.

 And so we enter this next era and hopefully with this era we will enter a new era in Klal Yisrael today as well!

 RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE COW JOKES OF THE WEEK

“Why was the calf afraid? He was a cow-herd

Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn? He was too much of a bully!

What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow? Cowboom!

What would you hear at a cow concert? Moo-sic!

What’s a cow’s least moosical note? Beef-flat!

What do cows do for entertainment? They go to the mooooovies.

What do cows like to do at amoosement parks? Ride on the roller cowster

What kind of cows do you find in Alaska? Eski-moos!

 

(Who’s old enough to get this one ?)

There was a herd of cattle all standing on a hill when an earthquake struck. All of the cows fell down, but the bull remained standing. The farmer noticing this went out and asked the bull, "Why didn't you fall down like the rest of the herd. The bull replied, "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

 The World explained with Cows

Socialism -- If you have 2 cows, you give one to your neighbor.

Communism -- If you have 2 cows, you give them to the government; and the government gives you some milk.

Fascism -- If you have 2 cows, you keep the cows but give the milk to the government, who then sells you the milk at a high price.

Nazism -- If you have 2 cows, the government shoots you and keeps the cows.

New Dealism -- (FDR Version) If you have 2 cows, you shoot one, milk the other one; then pour the milk down the drain.

Capitalism -- (Reaganomics) If you have 2 cows, you sell one and buy a bull; you then sell all the excess milk to the government who in turn ships it to fascist and communist governments.

Anarchism -- If you have 2 cows, your neighbor on your left takes one cow, and the one on the right takes the other; while your backyard neighbor takes the milk, the bucket and the stool.

Utopianism -- If you have 2 cows, Mother Nature zaps the cows, turning their udders into eternal milk-shake dispensers.

Radical Feminism -- If you have 2 cows, you declare an amazonian state free of bull oppression and sit around waiting for the cows to procreate on their own.

  Knock knock.

Who's there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No, silly. Cows go MOOOOOO!!

**********************************

 The answer to this week”s question is D– Ok so the exam is over finishing off with another 50/50. The first part every fourth grader should now. We all learned about photosynthesis. The second part I had no clue. I guessed wrong with the Negev. I was debating between that and the rift , ah well I guess its been that way for most of this exam. So lets tally up my final score. As of now its

 Rabbi Schwartz at 24 points and the MOT having 9 points on this latest Ministry of Tourism exam. That would give me a passing score of 72% if I it was tallied out of the 33 questions. But its really only tallied from the 30 questions as you can skip 3 questions. So it would give me an 80% on this exam. 13 years ago when I did the xam I got an 88 on. So not bad still. Next week new exam!!!

 

Being Meshuga- Purim 2024 5784

 

Insnorts and Indigestion

from the

Oily Land

from

Hagaon Hagadol Doctor of Geopolitics and Musical wonder

Ephraim Schwartz

"Your Shnorrer in Karmiel"

 October 167^th  2024 -Volume 613 Issue 666 -97^th of Adar IV 5784

PURIM 2024

Being Meshuga

(Annual Top Ten List)

We are at war now in case no one out there has chapped yet. I know it’s strange for people to  brains around the concept. We really haven’t had a war like the one that we’re having right now in my lifetime. Sure, we’ve had had “operations” and even extended battles that we liked to call wars a bunch of times in the past. But we only called it that because it was good for business. It was good for the travel business that could make money on “solidarity missions”. It was great for the tzedaka business because after-all who doesn’t want to support a nation at war. It was really great for the tefilla and kabbalot industry where Rabbis could get people to come to shul, to stop talking during davening, throw out their i-phones and wear short shaitels in order to bring salvation to the Jewish people in those terrible times of crisis that we called wars. But between you and me, all of those battles in the past were really just fun little swat the annoying mosquito Arabs that are pains in the tuchas activities. As someone splained it to me here once, In America everyone understands that every so often you have to take a lawnmower and cut down the overgrowth in your backyard. Here our backyard is Lebanon, Gaza and even the West Bank. So every few years we gotta trim those hedges as well. But it wasn’t war.

This though is different. This is insane. This is Messianic. This is over 1500 civilians dead. It’s dying soldiers every day. It’s hostages-just like in biblical times. Its pogroms like in the Crusades and the Cossacks. And it’s antisemitism like we’re back in Germany in 1939. Colleges, University leaders, Swastikas on shuls, everyone needs a gun, governments that are turning their back on us right and left- mostly left though. It’s insane. It’s meshuga. It’s surreal. There are 19- and 20-year-old kids in this country writing out last wills and testaments. That’s not normal. Even worse is that they’re actually being read and put on bumper stickers after they’ve horrifyingly been needed and read by their funerals. Hundreds of thousands of refugees, burnt kibbutzim, daily missile barrages, the worst atrocities that aren’t even conceivable and all from a few miles that’s shorter than Kings Parkway to 12^th Avenue or Jackson to Freehold in traffic. It’s been 167 days that what was once thought to be one of the strongest militaries in the world hasn’t been successful in wiping out a bunch of stupid teenagers with rockets. It’s absolutely crazy. It’s a real war. A war on all fronts. And the war has made us crazier then ever.

There are a lot of songs that have come out of this war. Am Yisrael Chai, Acheinu, Gam Ha’shaot Ha’chashuchot she’balayla etc. and other inspirational tunes, lyrics and prayers that highlight different aspects of the war. Yet the one song that I think best “taytches’ it all up is the song “Mi Meshuga- Ani Meshuga- who’s’ crazy? I’m crazy” song. We have the craziest nation in the world. We’re in the craziest situation we’ve ever been in. And thus there’s nothing like losing it in the heavy lyrics and beat and jump up and down and just scream “Mi Meshuga? ani Meshuga”- I’m crazy I’m crazy I’m crazy… Because we really are a crazy nation and people. We do things that are crazy because we experience things that are crazy.

Think about it for a second. Who flies into a war zone to bring schnitzel to a soldier? What army in the world has soldiers literally dancing and putting up Tik Tok videos daily as they sing and dance and read from ancient books or pray and daven in tefillin and Talit in Gaza with missiles flying all over? Which nation has tens of thousands of little kids writing letters and praying for above crazy soldiers and the soldiers hanging those letters on their tanks? Who thinks about beef Jerky for soldiers and make sure they have BBQ’s pizza and cigarettes? How not normal is that thousands of senior citizens are out and up early morning every day picking crops for farmers they don’t know or making cheese sandwiches for children of refugees or mothers of reservists? You realize this is crazy right? This is not normal? People are going daily to funerals of people they don’t know, paying shiva calls and paying random bills for soldiers and other needy families. Mi ki’amcha Yisrael is a tame description of our people. Mi meshuga ki’Yisrael is more appropriate.

But it’s crazy times. And crazy times makes us do crazy things. And what’s even most amazing is that there is not a Jew out there that thinks what we are doing is crazy. We think this is normal. We don’t’ understand even understand how we could do it otherwise. Our barometer of what’s normal is tuned differently. The war has done this to us. Hashem has brought us to this place. He understands that for us to get to where we need to be right now, we have to get a little meshuga and Baruch Hashem we are slowly getting there. The craziness has a goal. It has a destination.

I have little patience though for everyone to get to that destination. I don’t think Hakadosh Baruch Hu does either. He’s actually been waiting about 2000 years for us to finally get there. The thing is, He’s pretty sure that we’re the crazy ones that haven’t jumped on the plane yet and come here yet. Yeah, He knew that we were stiff-necked when He hooked up with us in the first place. To be honest it’s kind of what attracted Him to us in the first place.

It’s like one of those stupid things that happens when you’re dating, and you just love the fact that the woman you’re going out with is not just some push-over but actually has a strong opinion about things. Or how the guy that you’re seeing has such an easy-going personality and is able to make a joke about everything and be so upbeat. And then you marry them and hit yourself on the head trying to understand what was wrong with the woman that would just say yes and agree to everything, or what you could possibly find attractive about a guy that just doesn’t take anything you say seriously and can’t have a deep emotional discussion with you. Welcome to my life. Yeah… Hashem pretty much goes through that with us.

But He’s apparently pretty over that by now. It’s enough already. It’s time for Him to come home. For us to come home. So, He pretty much understood that for that to happen things have to get crazy. Biblical crazy. Ten plagues crazy. Corona wasn’t enough. Dead Gedolim didn’t do it. Shidduch crisis, tuition crisis, shechita bans, shul shootings, yeah yeah yeah… vayter ge’gangin as they yiddish…na’avor gam et zeh… So, He had no really choice but to go totally Meshuga. To take us back to the Crusades, to the Cossacks, to 6 million crazy. To bring out our crazy. Because that’s the only way He understood we could get to the end of the story. That we would finally turn the one page of our exile that we seemed to be stuck on. We’re kind of like Joe Biden in that way that can’t get the next sensible word out of our mouth because we’re stuck in a stutter and just say stupid things. You just want to slap the guy and say be quiet and read the teleprompter telling you what the next word is. Yeah… that’s the slap we’re getting. Because crazy isn’t what we’re doing now, crazy is not doing what He wants us to do next.

So on that order I decided this year to help out Hashem a little bit, who sometimes because of this whole Hidden thing He has going on and doesn’t like to say things clearly to us and prefers to let us figure it out ourselves. I think it has something to do with this free-will concept which is really getting out of hand and hasn’t been doing the job. So as God’s helper on this world with a large social media following between my whatsapp statuses and weekly E-Mails-although from your sponsorship and donations to my pleas and cries one might debate that… - I decided to help Hashem out a bit. To say it like it is. To reveal the craziness of not coming to Israel now and finally making this over. So welcome to our annual 2024 PurimTop Ten list of the year. Drumroll… baaa dumm dumm… Here we go.

The Top Ten Reasons You’re Crazy if you don’t make Aliya now

10) Ever watch those Holocaust movies and start yelling at the screen at those people sitting there in Poland, in Hungary, in Germany, in Amsterdam. Dude… get out of there. They’re coming for you. Hellooo don’t you see the parades outside your doors with those swastikas. Doesn’t the fact that they shot up your shul tell you something? Don’t you like see how every stinking country where we were comfortable…too comfortable… it all changed very quickly and you couldn’t get out. Don’t you remember how you couldn’t get to Israel over Corona? I mean even if the first guys didn’t chap. Poland didn’t get it let’s say. But really by 1940 don’t you think Hungary should’ve stopped saying… Oh noo… it’s not going to happen here. Our goyim are better. Crazy, right? And they didn’t even have an Israel to come to. I mean you yourself was saying “how can anyone stay in France” with all that anti-semitism? Duhh… remember that conversation. 70% of your neighbors want you dead. Believe the polls. Listen to the News. Stop banking on Trump. The game is over get out before Lakewood becomes Auschwitz, Boro Park is Birkenau, Detroit and Denver are Dachau, and the five towns are Treblinka and Theresienstadt. Leave now. I don’t want to have to make pilgrimages to the mekmos hakedoshim in America of the “glory that once was”. It’s over. Leave.

9)  We need you here now. We really do. We need your money. We’re in trouble. We need all that money you’re wasting on your shuls, your tuitions, your building campaigns, your fancy weddings, lawns, cars, meat boards. We need you to sell everything that you have and built there over the past 70 years and bring that money here now. I mean it’s really a waste because the goyim there are just going to take it from you anyways. They’re just going to burn it all up. They’re going to confiscate all the art you bought. They’re going to requisition all of your possessions. They’ve always done that. It’s what always happens. And stop stop stop stop saying Oh no… this time’s different. It will never happen here. Just stop already. Don’t you know how stupid and crazy that sounds.  It’s sounds about as dumb as a two-state solution or a cease-fire agreement. Break that stiff-neck of yours. Sell it all bring it here. We need it.

8) The truth is it’s more than just your money we need here. We need your brains and your clear thinking attitude that the Israelis here don’t have. You get it over there- just like we get your situation from over here. We’re really smart about what other people should do. Ein adam ro’eh es mumo- we just don’t see our own blemishes.

You guys get it over there that what’s going on over here is ridiculous. You’ve been talking about it in the coffee room in Lakewood for months already over your water cooler at work and at your Shabbos table. You know that we should just stop playing games and just blow the whole thing up and kill everybody. We need to stop with this ridiculous humanitarian aid to the animals that are killing us. You understand that we need to literally start hanging Hamas guys up from the gate that we have in prison and chop them into little pieces hundreds of them each day until we get our hostages back. You see the craziness in the fact that it’s 167 and we haven’t really done anything significant yet in ending this already. In the 6-day war we quadrupled our country when we faced an army ten times our size. This should’ve taken a day and a half. So we need you here to tell them that. They can’t hear you in your coffee room. Stop yelling at the TV screen of what you perceive as the impending holocaust here and get into the room. It’s crazy to be over there and just watching this happen. Do you really how stupid you look?

7) Besides your money and your world-view we actually need your hands and man and woman power as well. There are sandwiches that needs to be made, there are jobs that need to be filled while everyone is out fighting for our lives. There are crops that need to be picked that are just heart wrenchingly dying on the trees wherever I drive in this country. We need doctors, nurses, therapists… so so many therapists OTs PTs and every other T. We need smart computer people, we need developers, construction guys. We need bus drivers or even people that can just drive a car and deliver things to people. The lawyers can stay there though. The politicians as well. When I say we need you, I don’t mean for a four-day mission so you can go back to the States and show everyone pictures of the chayal you sponsored a bbq from or the one you visited in the hospital. We need you here for good. This isn’t ending. Your four day missions are cute and very inspiring, invigorating and chizuk giving, but it’s not enough.

The truth is it’s really not even anything. It’s like giving your kid a nice breakfast and telling him to fend for himself for lunch and dinner. Are you really areivim zeh la’zeh or not? Do you really feel that what we are going through is your tzarah, your kid, your brother, sister or mother or not? If this was your brother and he needed you to move here-which we do and you didn’t come and you sat back and watched it happen, wouldn’t that be crazy?  Meshuga?

6) Now, if your doing the Jewish thing now, you’re telling yourself that you really don’t have money, so that one doesn’t count. You don’t have any particular skill set that you can bring, you sell stuff on Amazon. You don’t even feel you have an opinion that will make a difference with by coming here. So you’re really not that crazy. Well hope about this one? We need your body. We need to populate this country. We just cleared out the whole North of Gaza that needs to have Jews in it before the maggots come back. We need you in the West Bank and need to make that as populous as Jerusalem. Don’t tell me that you only can live in those large Jewishly populated places like Lakewood or Boro Park. You moved to Jackson, Tom’s River, Century Village, down to Mill Basin and stinking Waterbury. So move to the Shomron. Move to the Gush. Move to Karmiel, the Galil, the Golan. Fill the country with Jew so that there’s a humanitarian and housing crisis that will require we take over every Arab village. Settle the land. Is it your home or isn’t it? Hashem is screaming this at you. He gave half of you and really every Jew a natural draw and nack for the real estate and construction industry. Do you really think He did that so you can build a new neighborhood in Freehold? Another condo in Phoenix? What don’t you get about this?

5) Ok let’s start getting a bit spiritual here as well. You know that joke… everyone does, about the guy on the sinking boat. Where Hashem sends him the rescue boat, the helicopter, the life preserver and he keeps saying Hashem will save me… Hashem will save me… and then he comes up to heaven and God says who do you think sent you all of those things? Well that loser is you. You literally daven three times a day to return to Israel. You say it every time you bentch. You say l’shana ha’bah bi’yerushalayim at your Pesach Seder and even really mean it. You get down on the smelly floor on Tisha B’Av and mournfully tell Hashem how much you want to come back to Israel. Ummmm… yeah… helicopter, life preserver, rescue boat… He gave it to you buddy. Wake up. We’re here. There are flights. There’s plenty of land. There’s opportunity. There’s yeshivos, falafel stores, there’s even Heinz ketchup and in some places you can even find American cheese. What the heck are you wating for? Your prayers have been answered.  How crazy is it to stay on that sinking boat when Hashem has literally sent you everything you need and more. How can you even get up tomorrow morning and say v’li’yerushalyim ircha b’rachamimm tashuv- and not think you’re the guy on that boa in the joke? Crazy… right? Except it’s not and really never was a funny joke in the first place.

4) Taking spiritual to the next level though is really more than about being honest with your prayers. It’s about doing the mitzvos and experiencing your Judaism the way that its meant to be felt. Let’s be honest here. Let’s look at the Torah, at Chazal, at the commentaries, at the basic premise that literally every single great Rabbi and leader of Klal Yisrael since Moshe Rabbeinu understood to be true. The mitzvos were given to be observed here in Eretz Yisrael. The function of Klal Yisrael we are repeatedly told since the beginning is that we all move to Israel and keep the mitzvos here and thus the shechina will reside with us and shine out the light to the rest of the world. If Hashem wanted us to just keep the mitzvos and Shabbos, and Sukkah and Tefillin and listen to His commands He could’ve saved us forty years in the wilderness and just cleared out Mitzrayim for us. He’s not the Israeli army, He doesn’t have a hard time clearing out a country for us. If He wanted us in Europe, in Poland, in Lakewood to just build shuls and Beit medrashes, if He wanted just a lot of acolyte followers that does what He wants, He could’ve just left Avraham Avinu in Charan. Our first Patriarch was doing great there with his kiruv organizations. But it was never about that. It was about fulfilling the mitzvos here.

You know this. Stop playing dumb. Stop pretending that your Sukkah, your fancy “mikdash me’at’s that you build, the matza that you eat and even the tzedaka you give there are anything more than Splenda mitzvos. They taste like sugar and our sweet and even drinkable in your coffee and you even get lots of credit in shamayim for keeping the biblically and rabbinically commanded mitzvos- as the Ramban says- so that when you merit to live in Israel, you’ll know how to do them, but they’re not the real thing. You get that right? It’s why you daven that Hashem brings us home. It’s why pretty much every gadol always wanted to come here. Forget about the shemitta, the terumos and maasros, the mitzva to settle the land, that your really can’t even pretend to do over there. So c’mon. you’re a religious Jew. You follow the Torah and “give up” so much and sacrifice so that you can do things properly. You pay fortunes of money for “hiddur mitzva” so that it’s only done the best and fanciest way? So, isn’t it crazy that you wouldn’t just actually come here and do it in the place where you really get the most out of it?

3) Next up that is particularly relevant and that you should think long and hard about this week during Torah reading is that only in Israel now you can fulfill the mitzva of wiping out Amalek. I know a lot of you have gotten their gun licenses already. You’ve been practicing on the range. Are you really saving those bullets for the dumb pink haired college Free Palestine loser that’s going to come knocking on your door. He’s not Amalek, he’s just a loser without a job, a life and a brain. Here with Hamas and Hezbolla we have the real thing you can kill. That we need you to kill. We’ve been waiting a long time for this milchemes mitzva. We’ve had to satisfy ourselves with twisting a gragger by some of the Haman’s that the reform gabbai in your supposedly chareidi shul allows you to bang and make noise by. Come to Israel now and you can hear the sweet bloodcurdling sound of bullets smashing through and exploding in their heads. You can hear Amalek’s screams pierce the heavens as you chop them into little pieces. You can have fun dropping bombs on their heads. That sweet whizzing sounds as you launch RPGs at their hospitals. It’s a real purim party! It would be really crazy to stick around and just write Haman and Amalek on the bottom of your shoe and dance on him when you can actually be stomping on their baby’s heads. Wouldn’t you agree?

2) Getting to the end now of our Top Ten List and it’s time for Jewish guilt. Think of how disappointed all of your ancestors for thousands of years are in you. Think of them all sitting their next to Hashem by His throne of glory and literally not being able to get over how pathetic it is that the dream that they all had their entire lives of being able to move, to settle, to live and breathe every day the holy air of Eretz Yisrael is being squandered by their children and grandchildren because they like the Pizza better in America, or because they’re scared that they don’t know the language well enough or won’t have the same customer service they’re used to and might have to god forbid bag their own groceries. Think about how Moshe is sitting up in Shamayim remembering his 515 prayers non-stop to Hashem to be able to have the opportunity that you have and how really ticked off he must be at you. I mean if you thought he got angry at Gad and Reuvein and they just wanted to stay in the Golan Heights, imagine if they would’ve told him that they prefer Cedarhurst or Baltimore! Really?!

Can you imagine how aghast the Gaon of Vilna and the Baal Shem Tov must feel that people that are claiming to be their students or chasidim won’t even teach their children about how central our return to Israel even before Mashiach comes was to them and how much they gave up just to be able to do that. Or how about the Rambam, what he must be thinking about those guys that spend all day mulling over his every letter, but don’t get how he literally established a yom tov for generations in his family just because he visited here and how he mourned and felt miserable each day that he didn’t come.  Forget about the 6 million souls that sang ani ma’amin what they must be thinking. I mean you gotta admit, that you can’t really have many fans in heaven right now that are proud of your “lifestyle choice of dwelling”. To disappoint daily every single holy soul that came before you and brought you to this era where Hashem has given us the bracha and dream that they only wished they could have is really a little bit meshuga don’t you concur?

1) and so here we’ve arrived. I mean literally arrived. The number one reason why you’ve gotta be crazy not to make aliya right now is because there is no experience in the entire world that will be more amazing and powerful then getting off that plane and knowing that after 2000 years you’ve finally come home. The tears will flow. Your heart will explode. Walking down that tarmac will literally feel like you’re walking down the chupah to the shechina. All your bubbie’s and zaydie’s neshomos will be standing in the aisles waiting for you, shepping nachas. The air you breathe will all of sudden start to change you. You will see that flag waving, that blue and white magen David on a talis and you will feel a holy love for a land that red stripes and stars could never make you feel. 3000 years ago, there were prophets that saw that scene. They told people about it. They saw you. They saw those El Al wings of eagles that you landed on. The sun is shining brighter than it ever did before. The Shechina is coming as well, because all of His children are around the table, waiting for Totty to come down. We realize then and experience what normal real was meant to feel like. That everything until that moment was crazy. Tikun Olam has happened when you come. The world isn’t broken anymore. It isn’t crazy anymore. The nations are all coming. Crazy is over. It’s not meshuga. It’s Mashiach. And you brought him. The crazy is over and new world has begun.

Have a safe flight and fraylechen Purim

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

This week's Insights and Inspiration has been sponsored by my children who love me, who appreciate all my hard work for them, who think I’m the smartest father in the world, who want to be just like me when they grow up, who wish my E-Mails would be longer and longer. My parents chipped in as well because they love when I mention them and share all the personal details of my upbringing with the world. Even Rivky and Gitty my sisters wanted to kick in some money just to tell the world hwo lucky and proud they are to have me as their brother. Gedalia as well and Jodi can’t thank  me enough for marrying them off and making them live in Norfolk Virginia and preparing the whole city for them.

Needless to say once again I lack a sponsor and so I just make things up so I don’t look bad… Yeah… you know how that goes..

************************

CHIZUK/TZEDAKA OPPORTUNITY OF THE WEEK

 

Just when you thought that I had shnorred enough I’ve come up with a new way to hit you up for money with this new column… Yes I think that there are no causes in America worthy of any of your charity. I kind of feel its like Mitzrayim over there that I singlehandedly have the job of emptying out so that you can finally get out of galus already. See how much I care about you

 Chesed Amusei Beten- This is one of the most incredible and important organizations out there that everyone of you should immediately contribute to- after you donate to my shul of course. Theres a major stomach crisis in klal Yisrael right now. People in the Frum world are so fat that they can’t fit into plane seats anymore. Their pants are splitting right and left and it’s quite embarrassing. Things fall on the floor, usually a few French fries or something important like that and people can’t bend down over their huge belly to pick them up and its mamash baal tashchis. Forget about the shidduch crisis and tuition crisis, girls can’t get into cars, kids can’t fit through school doors. People need stomach surgeries, because Ephraim Schwartz is really the only skinny person in the world left.

 So with complete and cow udder dedication, Rabbi Schwartz who is always considered about the well being and health of the pants of klal Yisrael has started this organization in order that other people as well can have their stomach chopped in half and eat only three bites. Sure there are starving children in Africa and Ethiopia that are dying because we don’t finish what’s on our plate, but who cares about them anyways? They yelled at us in the international courts.  But this organization costs a lot of money. But it’s an investment that will pay off. Imagine how fast all the meatboard and chulent stores and bagel shops will close down. Prices will drop. We all gain… I mean not weight but gain spiritually from this endeavor.

 So please click on this link and make a fat donation today

 www. ThinlikeRabbiSchwartz.Causematchidy.Jew

 

YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

" Fun shikker and fun shenker shtinkt mil bronfen. The drunkard and the bartender both smell of whisky.

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

answer below at end of Email

97 Yoshka pished at the site of the church located in ___________.

Chareidim don’t serve in the Army because?

A. They’re too fat

B. It’s a gezeira that they might come to vote

C. The Army is scared that Thursday night chulent gas is against international rules of War

D. They do serve, who do you think comes up with all our winning strategies in the coffee room of Zichron Moshe?

 RABBI SCHWARTZ’S COOL VIDEO OF THE WEEK

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/yiddelach   – In Honor of PURim MY latest new release… Its; the only song I’m posting this week. You just have to listen to it five times… If You want the Rap at the end… IT’s amazing… Tell me how much you love it…

 https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/techelet-mordechai  – Remember this great Rabbi Schwartz Purim composition! Get into the groove it’s the ultimate Purim Seuda song.. Techlet Mordechai

 https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/layehudim   -  And here’s my La’Yehudim song and composition. These are the only songs you need to play the entire Purim… Now jut play again and again…

 RABBI SCHWARTZ’S PARSHA PRAYER INSPIRATION OF THE WEEK

 Purim Prayers- It is the holiest day of the year. Yom Kippurim is only a day “ki” Purim like Purim. Purim is the real deal. It’s when all of the gates in heaven are opened and one needs to utilize this special day to daven for things that we never thought of davening before. See on Yom Kippur we can only achieve teshuva and repentance for the sins that we committed when we regret them and feel bad for them and promise never to do them again. On Purim we daven that we are able to get away with murder. That we can throw up on people that have been annoying us all year around. That we can make fun of those Rabbis that were pains in our neck. That we can break our neighbors porch and relive ourselves on their annoying rose garden. The power of Purim is that we can do all of those things at it mamash becomes a mitzva of being happy on this special holy day.

 As well there are personal needs that we request on Purim that we can daven for. We can pray very hard that we get a laxative quick. That we don’t have such bad heartburn. That Hashem magically brings us another bottle of wine. Somehow directs our stumbling drunken feet to the house of a great party with lots of meatboards. That our wives and children don’t hate us tomorrow and that we don’t say anything to revealing that might make them hate us forever. Or even better yet that they get as drunk as we do and forget it all tomorrow morning.

 Now for these special prayers and requests to work on Purim one has to daven differently then you do the rest of the year. Whereas on Yom Kippur Hashem likes to see us in a white Kittel, on Purim He appreciates clown costumes or some cheap thing you picked up in the thrift shop for $5. La’Mehadrin is that it should be very sweaty by the time you come to daven and have wine stains on the collar. Chasidim must bring a gartel to shul, but on Purim the obligation is to tie it around the drunk guy swaying fitfully next to you’s feet. He’s been crying in your ears for so long and Hashem is frankly getting a headache from him and would love to see him fall on his face when he tries to take three steps backwards.

 Now on Purim Hashem is a little bit hard of hearing. He’s like in Karlin all around the world and so He really needs you to shout your prayers to Him out loud. Silent Shmona esreis are for the rest of the year. Even better is to break into songs at appropriate times, He likes Carlebach ones the best. There really is no need for a Chazan on Purim for your prayers, cause everyone is one person on this special day and therefore everyone should just sing over him regularly. It does get confusing though at some points so if possible someone should randomly call out page numbers through out the service and just so everyone knows he could probably stand on the bima when he does so, although the rest of the year that is strictly forbidden.

 Finally the last and most important part of prayer is to make sure that you have destroyed the yetzer hara and Amalek before you daven. You need to reach a place of ad d’lo yada- where you are like Adam Harishon before he sinned. So therefore in order to get to that special holy place it is important to feel like Adam Harishon who had no shame about his body before he sinned. He didn’t need any fig leafs to cover himself up with. He was like a baby the day he was born. And you should as well reach that special high. You don’t even need a Mikva. Hashem is your Mikva. He will purify you. So let yourself go. Feel Free. The salvation is on the way. Skinny Dip while you daven. Your in the garden of Hashem.

Happy Purim, have fun!

 RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

2025 CE-War ends- After 168 days since the terrible attack on Israel from Hamas the war in Israel has finally ended. The Navi told us that there would be miracles that were even greater then when we left Egypt but who would’ve thought it would be this. See, after 167 days of fighting endlessly in Gaza where so many soldiers were killed and there was no hope or sight of any return of our hostages all of a sudden a plane flew into Ben Gurion airport. It was full of people that were inspired by this weekly E-Mail they received from this incredible tour guide, song writer and purported Rabbi from Karmiel. They said they were here to finally take care of the problems we’ve been having.

 

Obviously it was a long flight and many of them hadn’t had shwarma in a long time so they stopped off at Halo Teiman on their way over to Gaza with their driver in the minibus. They fressed there for a few hours because they knew that they needed extra energy and then they headed over to the border. Of course they stopped a few times along the way to get snacks and take pictures with some chayalim, but eventually they had kfituzus haderech and made it over to the border. Once there they quickly took out their gartels and davened Mincha and were then ready for action. They climbed on the nearest tanks. Took some more pictures. Video chatted with their friends back in Boro Park and then got off the tanks and went back to the minibus to get some more food.

 By this time Hamas who had heard about this impending attack from Yair Lapid, Chuck Shumer and some college students in Harvard were wondering what was going on. They all climbed into a tunnel together and prepared to attack the unwary chasidim. What they didn’t chap was Hashem had miraculously sent an important business call to one of them, who was working on big deal that he was handling and they all got distracted and forgot there’s a war that needed to be fought. Hashem saw this tremendous faith of klal Yisrael that were able to be so clueless and ignore all of the dangers surrounding them and jump into that phone call like Nachshon ben Aminadav. Hashem was so inspired by this incredible heroism and mesirus nefesh that he preformed a miracle and the ground opened up and swallowed all of the Hamas up. The war was over.

The chasidim finished their phone calls and sang songs to Hashem about Rebbi Nachman and Reb Shayaleh that had saved them from all their troubles as he always did. They even included Rebbi Shimon Bar Yochai into the song too. It was greater than the song of Moshe at the sea. We had been saved once again. Immediately the Chasidim started to look at the new real estate development opporotunities that were on the new beach front properties available now from the river to the sea. And thus Shneller’s Gaza Estates were founded.

 RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE JOKES OF THE WEEK

V”NAHAPOCH HU!

NO JOKES TODAY…

HA HA HA….

OK I told you that there would be jokes and I lied. Eleven pages is long enough.. you’re not getting this far down in the E-Mail anyways… So enjoy. Bentch and send me money quick!

Fraylichen Purim

Your favorite Rabbi