Something Fishy- Parshat Shemini 2019 /5779

Insights and Inspiration

from the

Holy Land
from

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

"Your friend in Karmiel"

March 29th 2019 -Volume 9 Issue 26-22^nd of Adar II 5779

Parsha Shemini /Parah

Something Fishy

We had been married a few weeks. Sheva Brachos were over. We finally had our kitchen set up in our small apartment in Flatbush. Our lives were getting normal. Well... as normal as two young, twenty-something-year olds can when be, when after knowing each other for about two and half months, having met less than a few dozen times (including our engagement period), and having spoken less than a hundred hour, we were embarking on spending the rest of our lives together with one another. Like forever and ever and ever and ever-rest of your lives together. Pretty much the typical yeshiva young couple dating and engagement thing. But hey, she was the first girl that wasn’t my sister that seemed to like talking to me. Not that my sister liked talking to me, or even admitting that I was her brother. She still doesn’t by the way. So we settled into our lives. We found out who we each really were and we started to set up our home.

So it was only natural as things came together, that my wife told me one of those early nights that I shouldn’t get caught up late in Kollel. She was making dinner for the first time. This was exciting. Dinner in my own house, cool! Now I would no longer be a yeshiva guy, standing in line waiting for dinner with my plate in hand, or alternatively more often having to run out and pick up some fast food on the road. I was a married man. I had a wife, and she was making me dinner. I was finally an adult. So all day I dreamed of that dinner. This was what it was all about. I didn’t even eat lunch. I skipped all the way home like little red riding hood. It was our night.

I walked in and the table was all set. There were candles, our new wedding china and silverware and a folded napkin. She brought out a nice well garnished slice of salmon. Rice with vegetables, I think the vegetables were just for show. There were even goblets with wine. So we ate, we schmoozed, I finished the fish, and I complimented it. Then I waited. She looked at me strangely. What was I waiting for?

“Oh!” I said “is that it?” Now my wife was a bit perplexed.
“Of course that’s it, what do you think?”
 Oh, nothing, I tried to catch myself, It’s fine. Everything was delicious. Amazing. Really!
It wasn’t working. She wasn’t letting up. What do you mean “That’s it”?

It’s really fine, I tried explaining. It’s just that where I come from fish is usually just an appetizer. Y’know, something you eat before the you bring out the main course, which is usually a dead warm-blooded animal on a plate. It could’ve had wings, but preferably one that walked on four legs. Maybe on Thursday we would order pizza, but that was only because we would be able to have some Thursday night chulent “to’ameha- Shabbos tastings afterwards.

Now it was my wife’s turn to be shocked.
“Well where I come from, fish is a meal. You eat flayshigs on Shabbos, maybe once or twice during the week. But quiche, fish, pasta, and stir-fried vegetables with tofu were all dinner fair.”

I looked around for hidden cameras. Was this a joke? Was I being scammed? I saw my whole life pass before my eyes. Why hadn’t we discussed this? Did we really spend so much time talking about the philosophical differences between watching a video on your computer versus going to the movies, or the advantages of living in America instead of Israel, or whether corporal punishment is a good way to raise children and if we were believers in nature or nurture, and we didn’t discuss perhaps the only real important topic of ‘what’s for dinner?’ Fish was something you ate before the soup. It was decorated with a carrot on top and buried in horseradish. Sometimes it had tomato sauce that you dip your challa in. It was a cousin of the stuff that came in cans that I ate for lunch every day. I was feeling faint.

The night did not end pleasantly. I told her that she could make what she wanted, as our apartment was strategically 5 minutes away from a flayshigs fast food joint (Kosher Delight ob’m). It seems every apartment in Flatbush is. That did not go over well at all. I thought I was being generous and non-demanding in that concession. I didn’t understand, that I was married to someone who actually believed that my carnivorous ways were unhealthy. That wanted to spend many years together with me. And she had a vision of making healthy meals for her husband each night. It’s 25 years later (this week! Mazel tov!). Guess what I ate for dinner last night? Well at least there’s a place that sells Thursday night chulent down the block.

Now I guess you can understand why I became a tour guide. A man needs shwarma. Not me of course, I’m fine with fish. But my tourists, certainly deserve to eat a good laffa with meat inside of it for dinner. And I would never let them eat alone. That would just be rude. Oh, the sacrifices I make for you.

Which of course brings us to this week’s Torah portion. The parsha that tells us about what animals we can eat and which we can’t.  So what’s up on the Torah’s menu for the Jewish people?  I just want to point out that it starts off with the main course which is obviously flayshigs.

Vayikra (11:2) These are the animals you may eat, among all the cattle that are upon the earth. Any one among the animals that has a split hoof which is separated into hooves and that brings up its cud.- that one may you eat.

Next up we have fish. Which is obviously the appetizer and the Torah tells us that we require fins and scales- snapir and kaskesess. Interestingly enough the Talmud tells a secret that every animal that has scales has fins, although not everyone that has fins has scales.

The Torah then tells us which birds we can’t eat, and which bugs we can. That’s obviously for those that can’t afford to eat meat as the main course and fish as the appetizer.

Now as I ate fish last night, and as it is my anniversary coming up, I decided that it is worthwhile to explore the fish thing a bit in honor of my wife. Fascinatingly enough, the ARI’zl and other works of kabbalah note that fish are in fact the highest and holiest of animals to eat. As opposed to steaks and lamb chops which require proper halachic slaughtering to be kosher, fish just need to be yanked out of the water and they can be immediately thrown on the grill and be enjoyed. You can even eat them raw in sushi, herring or lox. He explains, rather mystically, as he generally does that cattle are created out of the element of earth. They are more physical. They need more action to uplift them. Birds and poultry are a combination of earth and water and wind and thus require shechita. But not as extensive as the four legged animals. It’s why they are kosher if you only cut either the wind or food pipe (although we do both of course) as opposed to cows and sheep that need both. We don’t have to remove the fats, the sinews of birds. They are holier than cows. Perhaps that’s why they’re not as tasty?

Fish however are the highest of the high. They are created out of the element of water. Water is mercy. Water is what the world was before anything physical came into it. Water is torah. Fish you can just slam in your bagel with cream cheese. Even more mystically the AR”I suggests that tzadikim that are reincarnated, and have to come back to this world for some small tikun-rectification- that they did not accomplish in their life, come back as fish. The rest of us? Mooooo…baahhhh… Shwarma, steak, hamburgers and schnitzel. We need a Jew to really slaughter us, kosher us and cook us in a chulent before making a bracha on us at our Shabbos table. Fish? A little chrayn and that hidden soul is good to go up to heaven.

But it is deeper than that. Twenty thousand leagues under the sea, deep. (Curious how many of you got that reference, and how many of you went to Lakewood schools J). The signs that the Torah tells us of the animals being kosher are called simanei taharah- signs of purity. Hashem created animals for us to eat and some for us not to eat. Some have the power to elevate us. Some have the power to “stop up our hearts” spiritually- not physically. Tumah- is stoppage. Timtum halev- the blocking of the heart is what happens when we eat non-kosher. So Hashem gave us signs so that we know what to eat and what not. The question though is, what are the significance of the signs. Wouldn’t it have been much easier if he had put just a big OU or OK on the kosher animals. Maybe a triangle K or Rabbanut Rammalah on those questionable ones- Shhhh I didn’t say that. What’s with the fins and scales, or for that matter the hooves and cud?

The Shel”a Hakadosh explains that as we noted fish are connected to the holy people, the talmidei chachamim, the scholars. They swim in the ‘sea of Torah’. They are surrounded by the divine ocean of mercy. There are two attributes that they possess; fins and scales. The scales are attached to him. They are his protection. The fins on the other hand (or flipper) flap. They are what allows him to swim higher and higher. What are they symbolic of? The scales are, a Jews protection is what is attached to him. It is the traditions that he received from his teachers, his parents. They are the yiras shamayim- the fear of heaven that protects him from sinning. The Baal Hasulam suggests that they are the challenges- the dvarim kashim- that he overcomes, that reinforces him. (the name kas-kashim). That is what makes him Kosher. If he has scales you automatically know that he has fins. He can breathe. He can swim in any current. For the fins, they suggest represents that personal growth. The Torah that you find, the Torah that has yet to be revealed as you plummet with those scales attached to you to the new places. To changing waters, challenges and new worlds that your previous generations never encountered.

You may even reach a world where in the words of the Sulam- is Soneh po ohr elyon- it is hated the upper light- which he suggests is the root of the word snapir. There are worlds like that, there are fish in the sea that only have those snapir. They don’t have scales. They don’t have tradition and the fear of Hashem to protect them. Not all that have snapir/ fins have scales. But the Torah tells us that the fins themselves have the ability to be the sign of holiness as well. The Torah could have just told us any fish with scales and we would know automatically that it was kosher, because every fish with scales has fins. But it wanted to teach us about how we can become purer. How we can swim and what was out there in the murky waters that we would have to avoid.

Similarly, one can understand hooves and cud in the same way. The land animals that we eat are the ones that interact with this world. They are pure if they have split hooves. They realize that there is good and evil, and the two shouldn’t mix. They shouldn’t be PC’d over. They need to tread on this world separating into two, either the things that can be elevated or the things that should be left behind and smashed down and left on the ground. Once you know this and have only walked on a trail of separation, a good holy discerning path, then the things you ingest spiritually in this world, much like Elsie the cow should be regurgitated, again and again and again. Hafoch bo vhafoch bo d’kulo bo-turn it around and around for all can be found in it, our sages tell us about the Torah and its study. Don’t take anything for granted. Ask. Chew on it. Bring it up again and again and keep tasting its sweet succulent juicy flavors. Animals that just swallow it down in one shot, are not kosher. It’s a sign of impurity. We are a holy people and we eat only holy food.

So where does that leave us? Hungry, I guess. It’s almost Shabbos, don’t worry. The chulent is on the pot. The chicken is in the soup. The gefilte fish is heating up.  There’s even some salad on the side, or at least some chummus and matbucha. Shabbos is the day we are meant to express ourselves as the world comes to its holy culmination. We bring all the levels of creation together in a masterful feast, as we sing songs to our Creator for giving us this special world. Not everyone is as lucky as me, to have the best cook in the world preparing that Shabbos meal for them. But that’s your fault. You should’ve checked it out beforehand. See that much-my wife’s cooking skills-I at least clarified while we were dating! Happy Anniversary, dear and I look forward to many more delicious meals together. You can even serve fish- as an appetizer.

Have a tasty Shabbos!

Rabbi Ephraim Schwartz

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RABBI SCHWARTZ’S FAVORITE YIDDISH PROVERB OF THE WEEK

“Bemokem she-eyn ish iz a hering oych a fish.” Where there is no worthy man, even a herring is a fish.

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TOUR GUIDE EXAM QUESTION OF THE WEEK

answer below at end of Email

Q.  Places where the poetess Rachel lived:

A. Degania and Motza

B. Jerusalem and Tel Aviv

C. Kinneret and Yavne’el

D. Alumot and Kfar Tavor

RABBI SCHWARTZES COOL VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5S_uY4riOw  – Classic Gefilte Fish Yiddish song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qu0h5ThceEw   –Lior Suchard mind-blowing mentalist cool!

https://youtu.be/i87AqI-os4E – Avraham Fried preforming for Chayalim on Purim

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWdX2PW4QbQ    -Lech Al Zeh- New Arie Goldwag composition with Dovie Fisher

https://youtu.be/PVa3BwXy7v8 – The three stooges fish song! Golden oldie

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S “LOMDUS” CONNECTION OF THE WEEK

Parshat Shemini– The Beis Midrash is not the only place where one can shine their lomdus skills. True lamdanim whenever they open their mouths express themselves lomdishly. It is fascinating to read some of the public speeches by some of our great lamdanim. Dinners, appeals, weddings, bar mitzvas and funerals. If there’s a speech to be made it should have some lomdus in it. For lomdus is truth and if one wants to convey a truth there is no better way then lomdus to do so.

This week’s Torah portion has a fantastic idea that was revealed by Reb Nochim Partzovitz at the funeral of Reb Chaim Shmuelevitz. Of course as every good lamdan does he began with a Rambam. The Rambam says

(Aveilus 13:10) One does not cry over a deceased person more than three days. However, when the deceased is a talmid chacham- a scholar then each is according to his wisdom but one does not cry for more than 30 days.

So Reb Nachum noted that this law seemingly is derived from the last verses in the Torah that describe the mourning for Moshe. There is tells us

Devarim (34:8) and the children of Israel cried for Moshe for 30 days. And the days for the crying of the mourning of Moshe ended.

What is interesting he notes that in our Torah portion it doesn’t mention how long the crying and mourning for the children of Nadav and Avihu is meant to be. In fact, it seems that the crying and mourning for them is eternal as it says.

Vayikra ( 10:7) And your brothers the house of Israel will cry the fire that Hashem has burned.

The Torah leaves it open-ended, not like the typical 30 day period delineated by Moshe and other tzadikim. He therefore explained that the crying for their deaths is not over the mourning of their loss. For the loss, one is only permitted to cry for 30 days. Here the Torah added a new dimension to mourning though “crying for the fire, Hashem burned”. When one witnesses the sanctification of Hashem’s name, His measuring level of din-judgement, then Hashem’s name because exalted. We are meant to examine our deeds and repent and praise Hashem. He notes that it is for that reason that this is in fact the only place where the Torah commands us to cry-

(Ibid) the house of Israel shall cry

as opposed to other places where the Torah just tells us that the crying was reactionary

(ibid). And they cried for Moshe.

This is what we are meant to incorporate when we are faced with the death of a righteous person. This is a crying that is meant to be eternal. The loss of the tzadik? That is only a 30-day cry. The awe of the Shechina- and the precise exacting judgement of Hashem- that is a fire we are always meant to be keeping in front of our eyes.

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ERA’S AND THEIR PLACES AND PEOPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

Division of the Land 1265 BC – One of the most important things I like to point out to my tourists, wherever we are touring is that every Jew has a portion of the land of Israel. When we came into the land it took us 7 years to conquer the land and 7 years to settle it. The land was divided into 12 portions for the tribes. The tribe of Yosef received a double portion for Ephraim and Meanashe, while tribe of Levi didn’t receive any portion, rather the received cities throughout the country where they lived to inspire the Jewish people. 9 and a half tribes received their portion on the western side of the Jordan river, While Reuvein, Gad and half of the tribe of Meanshe were on the eastern side.

 The division was done in a fourfold process. A pretty impressive miraculous feat. The Kohen Gadol Eliezer the son of Aharon called up each tribe by name and announced what portion they would be receiving. They would approach they would put their hand into the box and take out a random paper there and whadaya know it had their name on it. They would then put their name into the other box and whadaya know again it had the name of their portion on it. Not a bad mentalist trick that not even Lior Suchard (video below) could pull off.  Then they lottery paper itself called out the names and the portions. Take that Harry Potter sorting hat- Everything comes from us people. What, you thought JK Rowling came up with the idea? Finally, the heads of each tribe would divide the land according to each family. Everyone got a portion. We all have a piece of Eretz Yisrael.

The “sefarim” tell us that just as each one of us has a soul with its own unique purpose and sparks that it is meant to elevate and shine forth on this world. The point of connection of each soul is the biblical portion in Israel from where he is meant to derive that spiritual energy from and connect it to Hashem. So when my tourists are here I ask them to try to be cognizant of that little spark inside of them that will start to beep and shine up when they are at a certain spot. That may be their spiritual point of connection. On the other hand it might just be heartburn from the shwarma they just ate. But who knows? But the truth is if they do identify that point of connection than it could reveal to them, what tribe they are from. And once you know that than the sky is the limit in being able to biblically become more self-aware. Each tribe has its own strengths and challenges. Its own spiritual journey. So over the next few weeks I will share with you the different portions and cities of each tribe, just as I do with my tourists. Who knows? Maybe you will find yourself.

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE FISH JOKES  OF THE WEEK

What did the fish say when he posted bail? "I'm off the hook!"

 Why don't fish like basketball? Cause they're afraid of the net

Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!

 What do you call a fish with a tie? soFISHticated

What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish? A Loan shark!

How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles

Why do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.

Why don't fish pass their exams? Because they work below C-Level.

Why did the fish cross the road? To get to the other tide.

How do shellfish get to the hospital? In a clambulance.

What do you call a fish with two knees? A tunee fish. 

What party game do fish like to play? Salmon Says.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh!

How do you keep a fish from smelling? Cut off his nose. OYYY! This is getting painful already!

What was the King of Russia's favorite fish? Tsardines!

What do fish need to stay healthy? Vitamin Sea.

 What is a dolphin's favorite TV show? Whale of fortune!

What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather!

Which day do fish hate? Fry-day!

What kind of fish chase mice? Catfish.

. What do you call an underwater social network? Fishbook

A fish and a crab were playing with a ball. Then the crab wouldn't toss the ball back to the fish. The fish cried, "You're shellfish!".

If you think of a better fish pun. Let minnow.

"Noah," says the Lord, "for the next flood, I want no animals on board, just fish. And not any old fish, but only carp, in glass tanks."
"And this time," says the Lord, "think big, Eight decks at least."
"I got you," says Noah, "what you want is a multi-story carp ark."

Sadie went to her doctor for a checkup. Afterwards, the doctor said to her, "I must inform you that you have a fissure in your uterus, and if you ever have a baby it would be a miracle."
As soon as she got home, Sadie said to her  Bernie, "You vouldn't belief it. I vent to the doctah and he told me - 'You haf a fish in your uterus and if you haf a baby it vill be a mackerel'"

As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain that they were very thirsty after walking so far. They couldn’t even drink from the walls of water on either side of them because they were made up of salt- water.
Whilst Moses was looking around for some fresh water, a fish from the wall of water told him that he and his friends were willing to help. They would use their gills to remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths like a freshwater fountain for the Israelites to drink from as they walked by.
Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer with gratitude, but the fish said there was a condition. That fish always had to be present at the Seder meal that would be established to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part in the story.
When Moses agreed to this, he gave the fish their name, which remains how they are known to this very day, for he said to them, "Go Filter Fish!"

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Answer is B–  I answered this too quick. Got it wrong. It was really a trick question. The famous poetess Rachel composed el artzi, ani v’ata and v’lu as well as hundreds of other “classics”. If none of these Israeli songs are familiar to you, don’t feel bad, I think it’s only old school Sabras and tour guides who are forced to learn this stuff that do. No I knew that her main hang was in Kinneret. So I just went with that answer. Turns out she wasn’t in Yavnie’el. The right answer was Jerusalem and Tel Aviv where she spent the last years of her life. Oh well, I probably should’ve spent more time thinking this question through. But in real life I don’t think I wil ever have a tourist who even heard or is interested in Rachel, let alone care where she lived. Your allowed 5 freebees so I’m still doing well over here though. So the score is Schwartz 18 and 4 for MOT (Ministry of Tourism) on this exam so far.

Out of this Wrold- Annual Top Ten Purim List- Purim 2019/ 5779

Incense and Pontifications

from the 

 ScrollyLand

Your Fiend in Karmiel

Rabite Ephraim “Mishpacha columnist of the year” Schwartz

March 21^st  9102 BW (BackWards) – Volume 9(9 bottles of beer on the wall)  Tissue 20 14^th Adar 5779

Rabbi Schwartz's long awaited for annual Purim E-Mail and Top Ten List...

Out of This World

 We went to the moon. How crazy is that? I knew that Israelis are smart. We invented Waze, I guess Israelis, after hearing upon asking for directions too many times, the typical yashar yashar v’sham tish’al- straight-straight-and-then-ask-someone-else, response, had  no choice but to come up with something better. Something that could really make your life miserable when it doesn’t work.

We also invented that annoying mobile-eye thing that keeps beeping incessantly every time you drive close to the person in front of you who is going 5 miles an hour, because it’s hard for him to eat a shwarma, light a cigarette and accelerate at the same time. In areas of medicine they’ve come up with drugs for Gauchers, Parkinsons, some type of camera in a pill and robot eko-skeletons. Heck we’ve almost got the whole cancer thing figured out, so people could start smoking again. As a backup plan we’re one of the leaders in marijuana development so that there will be something to smoke just in case. Hey, Our mission is to make the world High, right? Higher and Higher Higher and Higher hiier and hiiier and hiiier… as Shlomo Carlebach would sing.

Now as you know these weekly missives that you receive are not just merely the fruit of a weary tired tour guide and Rabbi who doesn’t want to do the dishes or put his children to bed and finds refuge behind his laptop. Sometimes they take a long time to go to sleep and therefore it’s their fault these E-Mails are so long. OK so maybe the E-mail writing thing a little about getting out of all that. But they are also about chulent. Sorry it’s been two paragraphs and I had to get that word in. But really, as you know these E-Mails are about sharing some inspiration of Eretz Yisrael to those of you that are stranded in exile. As well it’s about inspiring those of you exiled here in Israel to feel as blessed as well. Despite the fact that you haven’t a good corn beef sandwich in a while and you’ve gotten robbed by every utility, bank and government agency. So your kids are going off the derech- because of course that only happens here as the Rabbis in America who dissuade you to make Aliyah tell you-, you are in debt, and you live in a country where unlike America where you have to choose between the lesser of two evils to run your country, here we have about 37 different incompetent, uncouth, ganavim to choose from. But at least you’re getting a mitzvah by living here and we have better falafel. See how blessed my E-mail makes you feel?

So I take this job seriously. I spend countless hours each week finding jokes for you. Youtube clips, and finding oddball facts about Jewish history and personal anecdotes to somehow trick you into unintentionally reading a Torah thought on the parsha. Particularly Purim time when I  get more readers than usual, I want this column to be well-researched and accurate. So being that I’m writing about Israeli innovation, as a segue of course to our top ten list, I figured I would pull out my googler rebbe and see what great things Israel has accomplished. I’m sure you’ve been wondering what all those Nobel Prizes were about.

Did you know that Israel invented the golden hamster- first domesticated for pet use by a Hebrew University of Jerusalem zoologist in 1930? I’m not making this up. It’s right there on Wikipedia. Who else could invent a rodent that runs around in a circle chasing its own tail? Only a country that has experience with beauracracy that has you doing that from the moment you get your first teudat zehut.

We also invented the world’s smallest video camera? It’s about a 1/3^rd of an inch. It’s good for endoscopies and finding whatever money might be left after in your bank account after the Israeli tax authority steals their share, or if Ocasio- Cortez or Bernie Sanders becomes your next president. We invented the microprocessor and USB sticks or as they call them here deesk-un-kee. If you’ve noticed a theme here. We make things very small. We don’t have a lot of room in our country and we know how to make it on the bare minimum. Yooo dohn’t need dees is what they tell you when you wonder why pieces of whatever appliance, shower piece or self-construct thing you buy that are left over in the box. Eet is extra they tell you. Until the whole thing falls apart a week later. At least they think you can make it on the bare minimum.

But of course nothing comes close to flying to the moon. Russia, the US, China and small little Israel. But unlike those freiyers (Israeli lingo for suckers) we got someone to sponsor it. Whadaya think? The Israeli tax payer is gonna pay for a mishegas like that. It’s not just that we’re too cheap to pay for it. It’s that if there is an opportunity to make a buck on something by putting a sponsorship plaque on it, we Israelis can’t resist. Hey, remember we’re the ones that convinced millions of American for decades that their Bar Mitzvah boys would like nothing more than a certificate that says “A tree has been planted in Israel in your honor”. Worst gift ever, by the way. There are millions of people walking around with silly red strings that we convinced them will bring them good luck. They have even convinced the entire country here that it makes sense that they should charge you a fee to deposit money in your own bank account. We are certainly not going to miss out on an opportunity to sell people “the moon” literally.

Now just because this launch and landing takes place in Adar should not be a reason for you to think this is a Purim joke. There is a lot of significance between Purim and the Moon launch. Not just that Ha”moon” tried to destroy us, that hamoontash are shaped like rockets, and that we were saved by Queen Eh-STAR. Nor is that you are supposed to drink until you are flying high and seeing stars. It’s not even that we named our first rocket ship Beer-(reishit). After the Gold-“Star”  beer of course. Rather Purim is about revealing the hiddenness of this world.  Finding Hashem where His name is yet to be found. We have been very successful in revealing Hashem in this world. He is in Lakewood, Boro Park, Williamsburgh and Karmiel of course. It is now time before Mashiach comes, to reveal him in that “final frontier” outer space. (Start humming the Star Trek tune now….) So it is certainly appropriate to, in this last month before Mashiach god willing comes, to head up in to space and reveal Hashem.

So in honor of this special historic moment, I have chosen to dedicate this years Top Ten List to give you none other than the…. Drumroll…. Badadadabadabada… the

TOP TEN REASONS ISRAEL WENT TO THE MOON

10)  Distraction-  We’re in election season right now. It is truly miserable to read the news. Gantz called Bibi a baby. Bibi said Gantz is gantz stupid and a dummy head. Deri made fun of both of them in Ladino and they were upset that they didn’t understand him. They complained to the Supreme Court. They sent everyone Jewish to their rooms. The Arab parties complained that it was apartheid. Why do only Jews get sent to their rooms? The left wing party Sheretz agreed as well and demanded that Arabs get equal treatment and proposed a two-room solution. The Arab room should be far away from Ramat Aviv and Hertzilyia though, and should be open on Shabbos. Lapid made fun of the chareidim and called them scardey cats. They spat on him and called him a Haman. Blintzman, the minister of health threw a hamatash at him. He ducked it hit Bentit. Unfortunately he didn’t move out of the way far far right enough. Shaked said he has to go even newer right. Is your head ready to explode yet? That’s what the daily news here looks like. We need a distraction from the fact that every single candidate in this country are less mature than my 1year old grandson. So yes, if it means sending someone to the moon. Then so be it. It may make us dream that one day we will be able to send all our politicians there.

9)      Weightlessness- I’ve given up. Diets are just not working. Atkins, no gluten, no sugar, only coffee, only rice, only chulent, 6 small meals. I tried them all. Some work for about 5 minutes or so until those pounds come back with a vengeance. A diet is just like my body inhaling for a bit until it all exhales back out again. I hike all over the country and am on my feet most days. Now admittedly it is good for business to be a little out of shape. When I take my tourists somewhere they know that they will not be doing anything that they can’t handle. If Schwartz can do it so can we. Although I usually tire them out anyways. But I can’t afford to upsize my wardrobe anymore. And I’m not doing what all my disappearing formerly fat friends have done. I will not go under the knife and have a doctor suck out my kishkas or tie my tubes or put a zipper on my stomach or mouth. I like my kishkas. And I refuse to eat a half an ruggeleh or a spoon of chulent and lean back and say smugly that I am full, as they regularly do. I like a laffa for my shwarma and I have not done anything bad enough in this world to deprive my stomach of that pleasure of it slowly going down and settling comfortably in that special room I have reserved for it in my boich.

So there is one solution. The moon. There I am weightless. I can fly. My scale won’t krechtz like its having a hernia every time I step on it. I will weigh nothing. I know I told you that I’m not planning on leaving Israel anytime soon. But I’m hoping while we’re up there we will figure out how to bring some of that weightlessness back down here. Hey, we brought the Torah down to Earth, what’s wrong with a little anti-gravity for my pants.

8)      Peace. I’m sick of the whiny Palestinians killing people. We threw you out of your land boo hoo…. You’re stuck in a refugee camp with smelly outhouses to go to the bathroom in weah weah…You get stopped at checkpoints to see if your carrying a knife too bad… so sorry… You’re a dumb loser people that haven’t figured out how to get rid of your loser leaders and make something out of yourselves. Guess what we haven’t figured out how to get rid of our loser leaders either and we still built a country. We appreciate you babysitting our country for us for a couple of centuries or more until we got back here. But it’s time for you guys to get with the program and get out of here or at least leave us alone.

Now I know that no one else wants you either. And that’s very sad. But not our problem. But we’re related. You are our cousins and therefore we are going to do something very generous. We are going to give you your own planet. You were always asking for the pie in the sky anyways so here you go. Let’s have a two galaxy solution. See we have a job to do here on this world. We have to spread the light of Hashem. All over the place. You guys are really making it very difficult with all your mishegas. So take your own moon. Bow down five times a day and allah akbar on all the microphones you want. We’ll even pay for your rocket flight.

{I have now as of the last paragraph offically  disqualified myself from ever running for the Knesset in Israel- according to the Israeli Supreme Court.}

7)      Feminists-  Their whining is just annoying already. It’s not fair. My picture isn’t in Mishpacha… weahh weahh…

There are only men’s pictures in chareidi kupat cholim advertisments for hemmoroids medicine. Oy! A tragedy!

We also want to put on teffilin and talis.. how come only men can? Why do you get to be on that side of the wall, the Kotel, and we have to be on the other side.  Just stuff it like a kishka already.  Yeah well I can’t give birth to a baby and do you hear me making a fuss about it. I couldn’t nurse any of my beautiful precious children. Am I protesting?

We all have roles in life given to us by Hashem. Ours is to play on our cellphones and make very important things happen there. Yours is to make chulent and do other stuff around the house. Oh for the good old days when a man was a king in his castle. And he could just motion with his hand and his wife would come and bring him a tea. Soreir b’baiso -all the way. Just like good old Shushan. Y’think women back then complained that they didn’t have enough of a voice? That they couldn’t run for Knesset on a Chariedi slate?  I don’t think so.

Well you know what? Enough is enough. Memuchan said that women are meant to be seen and not heard. We’re very frum and counter that by making sure women are not seen or heard. We will build mechitza walls so big Donald Trump will be jealous. We will erase every woman’s name from the Torah like it was Amalek. And we will even stop advertising pictures of salad, broccoli, cauliflower and Quiche and other foods that only women eat. We will create and discover different planets for us to exist on. Steven Gray said this a long time ago. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. You already speak the language. Don’t worry we will come home for dinner, chulent, laundry and to find out where we put our keys.

6)       Shidduchim- Perhaps the most major problem in the Orthodox world today is that Orthodox yeshiva boys don’t want to start dating at age 21½ and they wait until they are 22 ¼. I know this because there are advertisements in most reputable Jewish magazines that tell me this each week. Every Shabbos after Kiddush I ask my son if he is ready to date yet to solve this problem. He is only 9, but you never know. I am not waiting for other people to come up with a solution. I told him that there are even extra points for marrying a girl older than himself. I even started bringing him to visit some old ladies in the local nursing home- as I believe the bonuses are for every decade the girl is older than the groom. You get like $18 and a free disc and Shir Chadash sefer.

It has gotten so bad that women are lying about their age on their shidduch resumes so that the boys will date them. Lying is bad. This might even make the wedding a mekach ta’ut- under false pretenses. What is the solution? We Israelis have solved it. Outer Space. See light years are much longer. So if you have a daughter that is, god forbid, 21 and not married yet. Just stick her in a rocket circle the earth once or twice and boom now you can say she is 19 in light years. You turned back time. Space is timeless.

5)      Extreme Tourism. OK I’ve taken you ATVing, Rapelling, Zipline. We have ridden on camels, gone skiing already, We even did that crazy fly -through-the-air speedboating in Akko with the Nachman music blasting. I’m running out of things to take you to. How about a trip to Outer Space? May the Schwartz Be with You. Just like the movie. I’m sure I’ll be able to make up some stuff about how this fits into tanach somehow. “See Eretz Yisrael how Hashem sees it all the time” I can even point from the window and tell you that if it were a clear day I could show you the Hermon with its snow-capped mountain, just like I do on a regular ground tour. We’ll sell little ‘I didn’t climb Masada, but I saw it from the moon’ T-shirts. I might even make some commissions. How about make your Bar Mitzva in Israel an “out of this world experience”. Now I gotta just convince some really rich Jews to be the first and everyone else will have to do it just to keep up with the Cohens. Yes, this is a good idea.

4)      Charity- This is a fantastic idea. See in the olden days people would just give tzedaka. It was a mitzvah. Then things changed. Organizations decided that they had to make a dinner if they wanted to get money out of you. Then there had to be a very important speaker like a Hillary Clinton, Joe Liberman ,Colonel Kentucky Fried Bernie Sanders or another losing presidential candidate. Yeshivish places just go with Rabbi Frand or Yourmeanma Mizarachi, not to be confused with the “Holocaust-only–happened-to-Ashkenazim because they eat chulent instead of Chamin guy who was thrown out of England last week.

 The next fundraising innovation was concerts. Originally they were held in yeshiva auditoriums with Uncle Moishy Real important organizations had MBD (Might Be Done?) or Avraham Fried- who for some reason now thinks he’s Israeli- I moved on from not understanding his Yiddish songs- (a tateh beet stew -got more garnish song, or nisht go-on-a-diet yidden) to not understanding them in Ivrit. Today the venue you need to make it in can be no less than… (You know I googled to find something so outrageous to write here, but the truth is there really have been concerts in the largest venues in the world already from Carnegie, to Felt Forum, to Radio City and Citifield.- so the best I came up with is -).. Coliseum in Rome. It would be appropriate because than the singer could tell the crowd “your killing me”.

The next upgrade in charitable schemes were of course the raffles and Chinese auctions and Fiveish. Because we will not give tzedaka anymore until we have a chance at winning a brand new cruise ship and our own private airplane from a green spongepants boruch guy dressed like $5 bill.

That of course led us to the more recent Charidy mishegas. Now. 24 hours only. Every dollar you give is matched by Rechnitz 3 times. And some mortgage guys will also match it. And so will some chasidish guy too. Basically today is your chance to make more money than you ever did in your life if you give us NOW. In fact, you’re the only guy that hasn’t given. Because everyone else is matching. 3 hours left. 2 hours left. 15 minutes left. Give Ok we have extended our time. It’s bonus. Yeah…. We need to send this program to the moon too.

The absolute worst though in my humble opinion is the Rav Chaim Kanievsky scam. If one would believe the ads about him it would seem that Reb Chaim is just  pretending to  be learning all day. What he is really doing is just taking photo ops for Kupat Hair – an organization to help bald people get transplants- in between running around to graves and davening for you personally at Amuka, Meron, the Dead Sea, Bnai Brak, Eilat all the holy places. You name it- he’s davening for you there. My tefillos are not enough. You need Reb Chaim. Thank god that’s all he has to do with his life. Well it seems that he has already davened everywhere. We’ve exhausted all our charity ideas for you. So how about this new one?

If you give us $18000 then Reb Chaim will daven for you on the moon- really really really close to Hashem by the way. We will follow it up by a concert of Shwekey, Leiner, Shapiro and MBD singing Rabbi Schwartzes original songs particularly Eliyahoo yahoo yahoo song while hanging on different stars- get it they’re stars? If you donate $10000 then Rechnitz will eat a matching dinner. In fact he will eat 4 matching dinners for everyone you sponsor. How about that for a fundraiser? $5 donation you can watch in afterwards on Youtube

3)      It’s cool. See Israelis think Americans are cool. Despite the fact their President has orange hair and can only communicate in 140 characters or less on his non-kosher phone. Despite the fact that the most popular person in congress is a Muslim terrorist sympathizing teenager that wears a snood and is trying to convince the world that her people were killed by Jews in the holocaust. We did this because we control all the money of the world. That money really should be divided up amongst all the suffering colleges students of the America that will never get jobs. They even think Americans are cool despite the fact that they still can’t figure out how to make Dortios Kosher. How’s about that?

 They think Russia is cool as well by the way. Well… Putin really is kind of cool. Russians themselves… not so much, particularly the former defense ministers of this country.

So there is nothing more important to the State of Israel than to be Kool. And if the US and Russia did it then so must we.

As well it is actually not that cool here- I mean meteorologically. Israel is a hot country. A warm, sticky, sweaty country whose citizens don’t really know how to operate a deodorant can. As well, Israelis are very cheap with their AC. They put it on a Shabbos clock so that it will go off after they fall asleep. To save money. Eets naht soo aht- . They all have fans- eet ees good enahf. Cool Americans put their AC on after Pesach and turn it off Sukkos time. But Israelis think they are just freiers for doing that. Outer Space is free Air Conditioning. How’s about figuring out how to get some of that down here as well? Free AC, Israelis love.  That might be something…

2)      Jewish pride-We are a very insecure people. As Richard Nixon used to say. You would also be paranoid if everyone was out to get you. We are always questioning if we’re doing the right thing? Are we allowed to shoot someone who comes running at me with a knife? Maybe he’s just hungry and there is a steak nearby. Maybe Alluah Akbar is like an asher yatzar blessing for muslims when they come out of the bathroom. Maybe he found his missing knife in the bathroom. Are we allowed to put a new gate around my yard? Is it illegal construction in occupied territory? Should we prohibit building anywhere in Israel because someone might confuse it with land in the West Bank. Maybe there is an Arab that can’t afford to build and we will make him feel bad by building. Maybe we shouldn’t even sell hammers.

We are insecure about our religion, or lack of religion, our politics, our entertainment, our cellphones, our media or lack of media. Our army service or lack of army service is another point of insecurity. As is the lack of demonstrating against our army service, or lack of demonstrating against the demonstrators against our army service.

People aren’t even sure which bathroom they should go in anymore. We need a resurgence of Jewish pride. And what can make us more proud than the knowledge that despite the fact that we can’t figure out anything here on this god given country and planet that Hashem has given us. We are pretty much tanking it. Between global warming, Dead Sea shrinking and unfiltered internet on non-kosher phones. But who cares? At least we can fly to another galaxy. Why fix the world we were given when we can just discover new worlds to settle instead?

 Imagine the pride as the Israeli flag flies on the barren empty craters of the moon. When the first Chabad house opens up there. When we make it flourish astroponically. When we make the first daf yomi siyum hashas there- Antarctica was nothing- {And you, as well can be part of this Siyum celebration- if you read three letters on the first page of the Daf there are others that will read the next three letters and another the next three and you will all be counted as if you finished the shas- so buy your tickets now. That’s the main thing This E-mail has been paused to bring you this paid sponsorship by the Siyum Hashas-without-really-learning-it foundation}So yes, let’s go to the moon and bring back some of that good old fashioned Jewish pride.

1)      And the number one reason to go to the moon….drumroll…. drumroll.. is to celebrate Purim there. We have an obligation to spread the miracles of this great holiday to the entire universe. The walled cities do it on the 15^th of Adar, Non-walled cities on the 14^th. In Uman I think they do it all year round. We are supposed to party. We are supposed to drink and drink until we are so high we are floating on top of this world. We are meant to reach the point when we don’t know the difference between Hamoon and Mordechai, between Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker, between Trump and Obama, between Bibi, CC, DD EE all the way to PP. Until we don’t know the difference between Heaven and Earth. We have then united them all. Ein od milvado- there is nothing besides Him. Purim is about bringing all the olamos elyonim down to earth and raising this land all the way up to Hashem. Our rocket ship is called Beer-reishit. It’s not just because beer gets you get high. It’s because it’s the beginning. The beginning of a new era. The era we have all been waiting for. The era the world is ready to enter.

May we be zoche to fly all the way there this Purim.

Have an ecstatically exuberant Purim,

Rabbi Ephraim “Hit the Trail Mix” Schwartz

This week’s Email has been sponsored by Harav Hagaon Tzadik Doreinu Reb Donald- Duvid’l Trump and his chashuve rebbetzin Melatonia. Rabbi Schwartz I love your weekly E-Mails. They are my guiding force in everything that I do. Much like you, I am very underappreciated. Despite my trying to tell everyone how they should just support me and that we could make the world great again if they would just send in a weekly donation to the White House or even post some likes on my facebook page. No one seems to care. So I know what you go through. And I want to share my support for you with this sponsorship. I really wanted to move my embassy to Karmiel. I heard the city is giving you  a hard time and figured you could use the basement for a shul. But y’know Bibi… he needs a place closer to pick up his cigars and champagne. Well good luck and one small piece of advice. Do you think you can start making them a little shorter. Like 140 characters or so. It’s a pain to scroll down to the jokes every week through all of it. Or maybe just put the jokes on the top.

Thanks,

Fraylichen Purim

Your bestie

Donald

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Dear Friends- Please do not send any money in to sponsor any E-Mails. We don’t want your money. We enjoy having the merit of spreading Torah all to ourselves. We don’t think your birthday, your anniversary, or even the yahrtzeit of your most loved pet is a worthy enough cause to merit having this tremendous merit.

What makes it even more important NOT to send in money is that the funds help support projects and inspiration that convince people to move to Israel. And that help families that move here have a comfortable easy landing and assistance. This is bad for you. Imagine if everyone left you behind and came to Israel. What would happen to your real estate values. Who would support AIPAC? Who would marry Donald Trumps other children? We need Jews in America to prevent any congress people from being anti-semitic wrongfully. We need to control everyone with your purse strings there. That’s a much more worthy cause. You may not have money to bribe the board of education to let you teach Torah in your yeshivas. You need it more than we do.

So PLEASE DON’T SPONOSR THIS E-MAIL OR MOVE TO ISRAEL.

MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN-

That is why you were put on this world…

Or not?

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RABBI SCHWARTZ’S STAR TREK VULCAN PROVERB OF THE WEEK

“Dif tor heh smusma...”- Live Long and Prosper

(then make the Kohen symbol with your hand)

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S POOR GLIDE EX-HAM QVETSHTION OF THE WEAK

answer below at end of Email

Q: What is Rabbi Schwartzes favorite publication

A. Shtetl and Country (Catskills)

B. The New Pork Times

C. Yourdead Ne’eman.

D. CNN-Chulent News Network.

E. Mishpacha magazine as of two months ago

RABBI SCHWARTZ COOL VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

https://youtu.be/aVz1kBnIDd0     – May the Schwartz Be with YOU

https://youtu.be/lQaIsfJpXDY   - Trump Purim Story

https://youtu.be/e6FnuyPUncg  - The Yapchik Purim Klezmer

https://youtu.be/EnqXhHqg7ow - Purim in text messages really cute

https://soundcloud.com/ephraim-schwartz/techelet-mordechai - For the last time this year. Sing this by your Sedua and I will be your friend- Techelet Mordechai- the Next big Jewish Purim hit!!!

https://youtu.be/SuyprtLP70E – Last Years Purim Seuda and the debut of Rabbi Schwartzes New song with a slightly inebriated Rabbi and Yonah and Tzvibel on the vocals!

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S LOMSHTUS OF THE WEEK

So Purim is the time when the real lamdanim come out. It’s when you make fake lomdus. You’ve heard of fake news? Well fake lomdus is when you show off what a lamdan you are by making up difficult nonsensical questions and answering them lomdushly. For example

Why does the megilla start with letter Beis and not Aleph? One answer is that it doesn’t. Another is that the Beis is really an aleph in gematria because they are allowed to be one off.

Or how about this one. Last week’s Torah portion was Parshat Zachor, why is there no Parshat Nekeyva? But doesn’t zachor mean remember? That’s one answer another answer is that it says that after matan Torah every woman became pregnant. If that’s the case then 9 months later would be the 7^th of Adar making that Shabbos before Purim the Shabbos that had the most Shalom Zachors. Another reason that I would never say is that Parshat Parah is instead of Nekeiva. Getting the hang of it?

Ok here’s another famous lomdshtusish one. It says in the Megilla that “vachamaso boarah vo”, ie that Achashveirosh’s mother-in-law was named boarah vo. (But doesn’t Chamoso mean his wrath was burning in him? That’s one answer. Chamoso also means mother in law) Later it says “Vachamaso shachacha”, meaning that his mother-in-law was named Shachacha. How could Achashveirosh have 2 mothers-in-law? The answer must be that vashti had 2 mothers. And in fact we see it says “Gam Vashti Hamalka asisa mishtei nashim- Vashti was made from two women.

And here’s on last one. How do we know that Esther was a righteous woman? The Talmud writes that the more righteous someone was, the closer to them the manna would fall. The wicked would have to walk a great distance, the average person would walk a short distance, and the tzaddikim would have the manna fall at their doorstep. The pasuk in the Megillah (7:8) states: “And the King returned from the palace garden to the hall of the wine feast, and the manna (Haman) was falling on the couch that Esther was upon…” The manna didn’t just fall on her doorstep, it fell right on her couch!

Let  me know what Purim Lomshtus you come up with?

RABBI SCHWARTZ'S EAR-A’S AND THEIR PLAYTZES AND PEEPLE IN ISRAEL OF THE WEEK

Drunk People (Purim)- One of the great Rabbis said that there were never Jewish drunks. I don’t know where he was hanging out on Purim. Let’s see how many drunk people you can name in the Torah. I’ll give you a few headstarts. We have Adam Harishon who according to many drank from the tree of knowledge which of course was grapes. After all we are meant to drink on Purim ad dlo yada- till there’s no more knowledge. We have eradicated that first sin, by dirnking as commanded unlike Adam.

Of course than you’ve got Noach the first person to get really plastered on Purim. In fact he becomes so drunk, he doesn’t wake up until Purim as from all the fighting going on. As it says V’Noach Maoyvehem- And noach awoke from the enemies. He also teaches us that it is alright to get drunk in front of your children and that it is the childrens job to clean up after their father and put him to sleep.

Next we have Lot. Which qualifies above rule. Don’t let your daughters put you to sleep. Although it seems that they could help you get drunk. In fact there is even a source there for celebrating two days of Purim. As Lot drank two days in a row. He was probably in a city where they weren’t sure whether it was walled or not. I mean there certainly was a stone wall. But he wanted to make sure it was really stone. So he got stoned. Hey, there is no judgement here. OK, it’s Purim and the man just found out his wife was going to be a salty tourist site for eternity.

OK So I got you started what Tanach drunks can you come up with?

RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE SPACE JOKES OF THE WEEK

: How do you know when the moon has enough to eat? A: When it’s full.

What kind of music do planets sing? A: Neptunes!

What do planets like to read? A: Comet books!

Where would an astronaut park his space ship? A: A parking meteor!

The first 3-man space shuttle came splashing down from the moon and the ship the U.S.S. Seagull picked up the capsule.

The first man who got out of the capsule was Protestant and his minister asked him, "How was it, my son?"

The Protestant astronaut answered with a big healthy smile, "It was truly a great experience." The second man was Catholic and when he emerged from the capsule his priest blessed him and asked him, "In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost --How was it?"

He replied, "It was fabulous, Father!"

 The third man was Jewish and with great effort left the space ship. He was still huffing and puffing as his Rabbi came up to him and asked, "How come -- nu, what happened? The other two astronauts came out composed and refreshed -- and you, nu?"

The Jewish astronaut answered, breathing heavily, "Every 90 minutes, shacharit-mincha-ma'ariv, shacharit-mincha-ma'ariv!"

The Jewish astronaut just returned from Mars and was asked all about his journey. He mentioned that while he was there, among other things, he was actually invited to a Martian Bar Mitzvah.

An intrigued reporter jumped right in: "Please, tell us all about it. Was it nice? Was it fun? How was the food?"

The astronaut replied that it was just "OK."

"What do you mean?" snapped the newsman. "Was it the food?"

"No", said the astronaut, "the food was fine."

"Were the people not nice?" countered the reporter.

"No, the people were very friendly."

"Well, then, what was it?" asked the reporter. "Why was the Martian Bar Mitzvah only OK?"

The astronaut looked at him and replied, "There was no atmosphere."

Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.

 “Give me the box of matches,” says one. “Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens.”

He takes the box and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a little green Martian appears, waving all six of his arms and yelling…”No, no, don’t!”

The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars?

Still, he takes another match…and…

A crowd of hysterical green Martians is coming to them, all waving their arms: “No, no, don’t do that!”

One of the astronauts says, “This looks serious. What are they afraid of? Nonetheless we’re here for science, to learn if Man can breathe on Mars.”

So he strikes a match–which flames up, burns down, and NOTHING HAPPENS!

So he turns to the Martians and asks, “Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?”

The leader of the Martians answers, “It’s Shabbos!”

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Answer is none of the above – Who has time to read? I barely make it through reading this whole Megila of an E-Mail by the end of the week...

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